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« Can you fucking hurry up? »
He Tian hums, feigning compliance but Guan Shan could swear he slows his movements even more.
« Gotta carefully disinfect your ear. » he explains.
Guan Shan sighs and looks away, as far away as he can from He Tian’s face though he can’t escape the closeness much. That’s a lie. He could. He Tian’s other hand is barely even holding his jaw, his fingers are brushing over Guan Shan’s chin in a muted attempt at keeping him steady but there’s nothing forceful here. Guan Shan could push it down, he could turn his face away too, they don’t need to be facing each other to go on with this endeavor. They don’t have to sit on a bed, naked knees pressing together to carry this through, but Guan Shan doesn’t move. He remains there, back stiff in apprehension yet slightly leaning into He Tian’s careful gaze, into his touch, hands curled to fists over his thighs. He Tian’s too big, he must have a gravitational pull, that must be why Guan Shan can’t fucking seem to keep him at arm’s length. It’s science.
He Tian puts the antibacterial wipe aside and unlocks the piercing kit. Conscientiously, with stupid focused eyes and stupid pressed lips and stupid long fingers, he places the tip of the needle against Guan Shan’s ear. He repositions it a few times to ensure the piercing ends up sitting properly on the edge and Guan Shan feels a shiver of nervousness run through him, making him grip the fabric of his shorts with tense fingers. He Tian follows the movements and looks him in the eyes. For a second, Guan Shan forgets he’s supposed to be looking away.
« Will you regret it, little Mo? » He Tian says, and Guan Shan rolls his eyes. What an idiot. Guan Shan is not worried about regret, it’s merely the weariness of the pain that’s tightening his muscles.
He doesn’t need to go over his reasoning again, though if there is even an ounce of rationality there, he isn’t sure. He asked He Tian to pierce his ear on a whim the first time, after having considered it for days, then he bought the piercing kit on a whim after he went to the shop with the exact amount of money he knew it would cost. He gave it to He Tian on a whim that other evening, and tonight again, he offered to do it because he knew He Tian had carried the piercing kit in his pocket the last three days. On a whim. An impulse he had chewed over wide awake at odd hours of the night, for hours and hours.
Maybe when a whim matures for so long, it becomes a thought through decision. Whatever. He is sure. He could just take off the earring if he felt like it in the future anyway, but what it was meaning to him, and the steps that took them here, they’ve plucked holes in his walls far more difficult to close off than a stupid piercing could be. It’s like a leak. He’s tried to keep it in but something warm and exciting and numbing drips, drips, drips out of him. It comes to pool in his stomach, comes to flood his head and grows bigger and bigger.
So there. It’s too fucking late for regrets. He Tian had collapsed onto him like the goddamn comet he is and it’s derailed Guan Shan from his fated orbit, leaving them to rotate around each other, misshaped meteors getting smoother at each revolution. They were far down a road neither had had the guts to name yet and Guan Shan had run through the whole spectrum of emotions. He’s been anxious, and confused and agitated. He’s been set aflame and soothed to sleep. He’s been wistful and eager and restless. He’s been fearful too, but never regretful.
« Cut the crap, just do it already. »
He barely has the time to finish his sentence before He Tian punches the needle through his skin, strong and precise. The pain is nothing like what he remembered from his other earrings. The thumbtack had been dull and it got pushed into his skin slowly, Guan Shan had felt it push through each layer of skin like a screwer through raw meat. This time however, the pain is sharp and it ends quick. He clenched his fists even tighter, clenched his jaw and closed his eyes and just like that, it is done. He knows the healing process will be long, cartilage doesn’t heal as fast as the flesh, but it flashed so fast, he barely had time to register the worst of it.
« Does it hurt? » He Tian wonders, slowly taking the kit away.
« ’s fine. » Guan Shan mumbles and it’s not a lie. Tension is slowly washing away from his body, leaving him oddly relaxed from a relief he didn’t know he expected. His ear only feels terribly hot and a sort of numb tingle starts to grow along it but it’s very bearable. He Tian still glances at him with a slightly dubious eye. His hands drop and they find their way around Guan Shan’s neck, bandages rasping against bandages as He Tian bends even closer.
« Pain, pain, go away. » he sings low and quiet and Guan Shan indulges in another eye roll before the heat from his ear slowly creeps into his cheek when he feels He Tian’s face hover along his ear shell, when he feels him breathing down his neck. His muscles tense up again and when lips close on his skin, Guan Shan freezes.
« Dont’… » he says in an exhale, an old reflex and He Tian recoils, just a little bit.
« Don’t what? » he asks, keeping perfectly still.
« Don’t touch it, it’ll get infected. »
He Tian capitulates quickly, weirdly enough. Guan Shan hears a faint chuckle on his side and He Tian returns to face him. His face is close.
« Still no regret? »
« No. » Guan Shan snaps too loud and He Tian smiles, that fucker. He smiles wide and unguarded, like he can’t help himself. He leans over until their foreheads touch, and he closes his eyes and he smiles and Guan Shan forgets how to breathe altogether. Their noses nearly touch, He Tian’s hands move from his neck until they’re cupping Guan Shan’s jaw. He starts tracing his thumbs over his cheeks as to wipe away tears he didn’t shed. The pressure is soft and warm, just like the way He Tian’s knees are still digging on the flesh of his thighs and the sting on his ear already feels miles away, replaced by something of an itch in his fingers.
They’re so close. Last time they were this close, well, they didn’t stay that far apart. Despite himself, Guan Shan waits. He expects. He wants maybe, a little. His eyes flutter shut too and he works on keeping each inhale long and purposeful though he can’t keep the tremor in his hands completely down. But He Tian, goddamn He Tian seems to be attached to always take him the unexpected way. He backs away, drops his head onto Guan Shan’s shoulder, the one away from the piercing and before Guan Shan can taste the disappointment, He Tian presses them backwards onto the mattress.
« Time to sleep. » he claims almost giddily and Guan Shan drops without even thinking of putting a fight. Because the moment is over and he’s exhausted, because He Tian’s head comes heavy on his shoulder. Because he’s still a little breathless too.
He lies stunned over the cover, diagonally across the bed, too far from the pillows, one arm sprawled out with He Tian’s head resting on it, the other arm on his stomach, right under where He Tian’s hand rests over his sternum. Guan Shan feels his heartbeat bouncing on it and he hopes he won’t comment on how loud it is but the teasing never comes. He Tian lies on him, limp and calm. Guan Shan feels him breathing against his neck, sighing contently. For a moment Guan Shan wonders if they’re actually going to sleep like that. It’s an awkward position and he’s definitely going to lose blood flow in his hand soon, He Tian’s legs must be dangling from the bed but still, he doesn’t feel like fighting it. He’s too tired, too heavy to care. They’ve had a long night and he’s not too upset about the idea of sleeping away the rest of whatever the fuck just happened. Having to guts to carry through with it doesn’t mean having the guts to face its implications and he can always shove He Tian away later if his arm starts hurting.
For now, aside from what they can hear of the trees rustling and the frogs singing outside, the room is quiet the way fancy houses are, with their overly high walls and thick doors.
After a few minutes, He Tian lifts his chin, making the muscles of Guan Shan’s arm spasm ever so slightly. He Tian brings his hand up along Guan Shan’s chest, over his neck until his fingers start to trace Guan Shan’s ear lobe, avoiding the sore zone.
« Will it hurt for a long time? » he wonders quietly.
« A few weeks I think. » Guan Shan answers with a yawn, keeping his eyes closed.
« There’s nothing to make it hurt less? »
« Just gotta keep it clean and let it heal. »
« What kind of earring do you want? »
« Dunno yet. »
« Will you change it to a ring? »
Guan Shan sighs.
« You said to sleep and you’re the one starting with all the questions. » he berates.
« Sorry, sorry. » He Tian hums happily, almost giggling and nuzzles back against Guan Shan’s arm, a little closer this time.
The room falls back into comfortable silence. For about five seconds.
He Tian shifts again, fully lifting himself on his elbows this time and Guan Shan grunts in exasperation. For a moment He Tian says nothing. He stays hovering above Guan Shan’s face, leading him to crack an eye open to check what he’s up to. Black tired eyes stare at him with the same focused intensity they carried earlier.
« One more. » He Tian says.
« What? » Guan Shan replies a little sharp but He Tian stays unshakeable, steady and determined. Another second of silence passes before he speaks again, as if he’s gauging the situation.
« I want to kiss you. » he finally lets out, with disarming casualness.
Guan Shan’s heart skips a beat, his eyes drop and in his head echoes an immediate, loud and deafening ‘me too’.
« That’s not a question. » he mumbles instead, trying to match He Tian’s relaxed tone but he nearly stutters.
« That’s not an answer. » He Tian tilts his head, almost playful. He overlooks Guan Shan, with his stupid taunting eyes and a small smirk devoid of any embarrassment. Unfaltering, with this goddamn composure Guan Shan wants to claw away from him sometimes, he waits.
It seems to be how they do it now. He Tian can push them along the cliff, he can get them to dangle their legs over the ravine but he leaves the decision to jump open. The winds are strong and the void alluring, so Guan Shan jumps. He nods. It’s a flick of the chin really but it’s as clear of an invitation as he can make it and He Tian answers in no time. Guan Shan sees his grin widen before he closes his eyes again, waiting for the fall.
The first time they kissed -the first time that mattered- a couple days ago, it had muffled everything around him. It’s different this time, he feels more aware of the little things. There’s no urgency, no one threatening to barge in, no leftover adrenaline pumping through their veins, no blood on their teeth. It’s slow, but the good kind of slow, the kind that knows more is to come. He Tian’s lips are soft against his, his black hair fall over Guan Shan’s eyelids and he exhales long against his cheek, like a sigh of relief. Guan Shan isn’t sure what to do with his hands so he grips He Tian’s arms as an anchor. He remembers accidentally catching couples making out in empty classrooms or before the school gates and struggling to understand the appeal of being all over someone’s face but fuck, does he get it now.
Guan Shan kisses back, following He Tian’s pace and a part of him wants to get pissed at how confidently He Tian is leading but when a hand find its place under his jaw again, He Tian’s long fingers shake against his skin, ever so slightly. It surprises Guan Shan and it’s just enough for him to trust something he feels in his guts. He Tian used to be a flat entity in his mind, almost a bodiless shadow, perpetually sneering but he’s slowly been taking all sorts of dimensions. They match. From desire to nervousness, they match. As if their bodies were finally talking with the same frequency, in a way that makes up for all their words’ shortcomings. So he can relax and sink further and further into the mattress. And he can kiss He Tian, because He Tian wants to kiss him too. And it feels good, and right and good and even better when He Tian changes the angle a little.
This new realization emboldens him and he reaches to hold He Tian’s face too, to press him closer, to feel all of the edges of his jaw, of his cheekbones. Guan Shan expects the flick of tongue against his lips, but he’s not quite ready for the low grunt in He Tian’s throat when he mirrors it. Intriguing. He does it again, indulges in He Tian opening his mouth, behaving for once in his goddamn life and Guan Shan forgets how to be shy for a moment as wet noises fill up the quiet room. It’s not a battle for control, more of a pendulum that dances back and forth between new waters. It’s a game, and they’re on the same team.
Tentatively, Guan Shan bites on his lip and He Tian gasps. Properly gasps and Guan Shan makes a mental note of that, one he adds to the pile of He Tian Trivia he’s been accumulating the last few months, first despite himself, then with burgeoning curiosity.
They part, just a little to get some air but Guan Shan quickly brings him back down because he knows he’ll soon say something stupid and He Tian smiles against his lips, that idiot. Then he starts to deviate. He pecks the corner of Guan Shan’s mouth, then his cheek and goes to nip at the skin of his jaw. He follows the line up, to the juncture of his ear with lips and teeth and a little bit of tongue and Guan Shan extends his neck to give him more room. He knows he’s also being uncharacteristically pliant but it feels too nice to pretend he wants any less. He Tian continues his route but remembers Guan Shan’s earlier guidelines, he skips over the new piercing and gets to suckling on the skin behind it. When he comes back into his line of sight, he looks so smug Guan Shan figures him right away.
« You left a mark. » he sighs, an accusation that comes without any bite or surprise.
Another mark, Guan Shan specifies to himself.
« It’s small. » He Tian says to defend himself but the flash of his teeth says otherwise.
« You’re an asshole- » he starts but his complain is cut short by another kiss.
Guan Shan could not tell how long they stayed like that. Eventually He Tian returns to lying down by his side, a hand on Guan Shan’s neck, another around his back, Guan Shan’s arms around his neck, fingers roaming through black hair. They keep kissing until they’re both rendered boneless and sleepy, until inquisitive touch turns into blind presses of the lips, until they’re forehead to forehead and breathing in sync. Close for the hell of it.
« We gotta sleep for real. » He Tian mumbles, with a low voice against his skin.
« Hmm. »
Grunting like it takes him a colossal effort, He Tian slowly lifts himself to reach for the discarded blanket that fell on the floor earlier and Guan Shan bites his tongue to not whine about the sudden aching lack of warmth. He takes the opportunity to crawl up and lie properly on the pillows. He had expected He Tian to return at his spot but instead he climbs back in bed behind Guan Shan this time, his large hand sliding across his side.
« Lift your head. » he says and Guan Shan complies as He Tian slides his other arm under his neck. He settles back on the bed, nuzzles himself against Guan Shan’s neck, holds him like he’s already done, because that’s a new thing they do too apparently. They kiss and they sit thigh to thigh and they sleep close together. What the hell.
« Good night. » He Tian says.
« ‘night. » Guan Shan mutters back.
He Tian suddenly feels huge, arms tightening around him like vines and Guan Shan reaches for the sleeve of his robe, grips it because he needs to hold something though he’s not quite brave enough to reach for the hand. It’s absurd, really, considering what they’ve just done but he only has enough courage left to pull on the fabric a little. A message, a reassurance he can’t word at that moment, maybe a bit of a question too. There’s not really any gap left to be filled but He Tian manages to press his chest against his back even more and Guan Shan feels this undying smile widen against his neck as they grow fully tangled. Guan Shan closes his eyes and breathes out a long exhale, like a final dot to the night. Waiting for sleep, he struggles to even think about the last few days, to organize all the events in order in his head. They don’t feel overwhelming like they did earlier, just mushy. Unimportant almost and he’s now a lot less thrilled about the idea of returning to his empty bed. Whatever that implies, he can’t point just yet. Where it leads, he doesn’t know but He Tian’s arm is heavy over his bruised ribs, his breath is hot and damp in his neck, his body radiates heat like a fucking boiler and Guan Shan can at least face that he wouldn’t hate letting himself melt against it, charring be damned.
Whatever. It’s time to sleep, for real this time.
*
Guan Shan wakes up alone, foggy and heavy all over. From the way the sun peaks through the louvered shutters, he can already tell it must be late in the morning, meaning he actually got to sleep uninterrupted. He quickly realizes how warm the bed feels and sluggishly pulls himself on his feet. He yawns gracelessly as he drags himself to the bathroom attached to the bedroom. He’s got half lidded eyes he struggles to open fully, hair peaking in every direction and pillow streaks on the cheek. He slept good. Not enough, but good. When he comes to scratch the base of his nape, a bruise makes itself known as he unintentionally press on it and all of the events of last night come back rushing to him, running red over his face.
He quickly takes the hand mirror and finds an angle to examine the remaining evidence. First, he has to note the piercing looks good, clean and properly placed, but the stain behind it sure as hell doesn’t. Bright and loud. How the fuck is he going to hide that? He could lie and say it’s from yesterday’s agitated events but its shape leaves little room to interpretation. Goddamn He Tian. Guan Shan thinks he should have left some on him too, that would have served him well, though he quickly backtracks when he imagines He Tian would absolutely parade marks like these around. Guan Shan lets out a long sigh and hastily throws cold water over his face, forcing his senses to refocus. When he peels from his borrowed clothes, his stomach rumbles and he thinks he could use some breakfast, he should send a text to his mom too.
In the shower, he finds his fingers idly running behind his ear, pressing on the red before he can stop himself.
*
He manages to find the others after a concerning amount of time roaming between identical corridors and slick floors that nearly get him lost. When he catches a glimpse of Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi however, he ducks and walks the other way, suddenly hyper conscious of what he knows is written all over his face. He does not trust Jian Yi to see a fucking hickey and refrain from squealing.
He sneaks to gardens that seems blissfully empty and finds a ledge against a wall between large bushes of fern that keep him hidden. He doesn’t know if it’s meant to be a bench or if it’s there purely for aesthetic purposes, rich people houses make no fucking sense but the rock won’t hurt from him sitting on it for a moment. The gardens are wide, all granite flowerbeds clashing with the bright green of the plants growing in all direction though it all feels neatly organized, perfectly ordered, not a leaf out of place. Some white flowers on a bush in the corner have yet to bloom as they remain in the shadow but the sun is slowly creeping in from behind the trees, soon the whole garden will be bathed in the late spring sunlight. Guan Shan’s hand returns to itch at the spot on his neck while he touches as the tip of the bushes next to him but his peace is quickly disturbed.
He Tian creeps to him, again with a big dumb smile on his face. It’s all neatly aligned white teeth but despite the daylight he hasn’t reverted to the advertisement worthy grin he offers most people. This one is real, almost too big for his face, as if he couldn’t control it. It reaches his eyes, turn them into crescents and digs dimples in the top of his cheeks. It’s a nice smile. Objectively speaking.
He comes to sit on the ledge too, mirroring Guan Shan as he rests his back against the wall and from there, he must have a perfect view of his work.
« Good morning. » he hums and Guan Shan stubbornly glares at the plants though he can hear the mischief in his voice.
« Shut up. » he grits, bracing himself for whatever nonsense He Tian has in store.
« For my defense, it wasn’t that visible in the dark. » He Tian explains. Guan Shan still doesn’t believe him one bit. « Do you like the garden? » he continues, already diverting the topic.
« ’s not bad. » he mumbles.
« We can go pick up plums for later. » He Tian offers, it makes Guan Shan snorts.
« Your brother grows plums? »
« That and a bunch of other things, I’ll show you later. »
« What are we doing now? » Guan Shan asks, eyes unfocused and the question feels a lot bigger than he intended.
« Relax. » He Tian answers simply. « Enjoy the sun a bit. I’ll manage to find some make up from the staff when we go back. »
So Guan Shan rolls his eyes because He Tian always seems to have the easy answer. He still drops his head back against the wall.
They sit in silence for a moment and when Guan Shan glances at his side, He Tian is still smiling. Guan Shan takes a moment just to watch him for once, usually it’s the other way around. He Tian breathes slowly, chin up and proud, eyes closed, long eyelashes spread over his stupidly smooth skin, hair perfectly combed, shadow of leaves dance over his face. And that goddamn smirk. The sight tickles Guan Shan, pulls at his skin and the warmth returns but not to drip, to crush over him like a wave. So he leans forward before He Tian can open his eyes again and he kisses him. To get rid of his smirk, or to get a better taste. Maybe to feed it some more. He doesn’t fucking know anymore. But he knows he likes the tiny jolt of surprise He Tian makes against him, he knows his mouth is soft and responsive.
When he moves away He Tian’s eyebrows are risen and his eyes flutter open slowly. There’s a pink hue on his cheeks. He lingers mouth agape, like he doesn’t know what to say, like all of his smart words can’t flow so easily anymore and it’s Guan Shan’s turn to smirk. That’ll teach him. They’re still two on the game.
Guan Shan leans forward, puts his elbows on his knees and He Tian follows along, dropping his head on Guan Shan’s back with a grunt like he’s deflating.
« Are you trying to kill me? » He mutters.
Not just yet, no. He Tian’s arms come to circle his waist again, Guan Shan takes in the weight of them, notes how familiar it already feels.
He glances back forward, where all of the white flowers have now bloomed.