Chapter Text
Dazai and Fyodor fell through the bottoms of their respective cells and landed gracefully on the floor. Well, Fyodor landed gracefully, sticking the landing like a professional gymnast. (A certain clown knew that Fyodor was just as flexible as a gymnast, too.) Unfortunately, the same could not be said for Dazai. The human mummy plummeted to the ground, bounced off his ass, and landed a few feet behind on his face. He groaned in pain, but no one cared. Nikolai dashed up to Fyodor and clasped his gloved hands over Fyodor’s barren ones in excitement.
“Fedya! I missed you so much! Everything was so awfully boring without you!”
Sigma, in the background, just looked like he wanted to pull a Dazai and die as Nikolai continued snuggling into Fyodor. Dazai tried to feel bad for Sigma, he really did, but the entire situation was just so funny. Dazai snorted. Anyone watching this out of context would never guess that the people in this room were mass murderers and terrorists. That being said, despite Dazai's initial amusement at his frenemies' antics, no one protested when the two psychotic Europeans skipped off to another room to murder the security guards with their smothering PDA and also possibly guns.
In the security camera room, Fyodor managed to hack the monitors so Nikolai could link them to his computer. The aforementioned clown stepped over the carefully but grotesquely arranged body of one of the prison guards, making sure not to ruin his artwork. Nikolai had bullied Sigma into revealing his favorite TV show, which turned out to be Total Drama. Obviously, so he had more material to bully Sigma with, Nikolai decided to watch the show curled up against Fyodor's side. The security guards would have complained about this disgusting display of affection, but they were all dead.
"Ne, Dos-kun, what's your Netflix password again?"
Fyodor affectionately rolled his eyes. "I don't have one."
He snatched up Nikolai's computer and hacked into a poor random person's account, created a new profile titled "Terrorists <3", and handed the computer back to Nikolai, who began to squeal about how sexily competent Fyodor was. After he snapped out of his little fanboy episode, Nikolai finally searched for a certain Canadian cartoon. He opened it up, started from Season 1 Episode 1, and set the subtitles to Russian ( since Fyodor didn't speak Ukrainian) because subtitles are inherently better than most dubs.
~~ many hours later ~~
Fyodor was starting to get sleepy. He always enjoyed watching brainrot with his favorite clown in the world, but he had a long day. First he engaged in mind-numbing banter with that slimy little fish Dazai, that too in their made-up language, and that took a lot out of his mental capacity for the day. Then Nikolai broke them out without any warning, and that surprised him, as much as he hated to admit it. He thought Nikolai would give them more warning. Finally, being in jail was tiring in and of itself. The ability-restricting cells definitely weakened him, and his anemia was making itself slightly more prominent. His eyes began to flutter shut, but he forced them open. He couldn't possibly fall asleep if there was danger around. Quickly scanning his surroundings, he made a note of the bodies of the guards neatly stacked into some sort of gruesome structure. How very Nikolai. Speaking of the clown, he had barely moved from when they began binging Total Drama, raptly watching and digesting everything on screen. Despite himself, Fyodor couldn't help but smile. Well, if he had Nikolai by his side, maybe he would be safe. He knew that no matter how much Nikolai talked about killing him, he would never do it while Fyodor was in a weakened state, and he would never let anyone else take that privilege from him. Maybe it was okay to take a quick nap...
Nikolai was entranced. Actually, that was an understatement. Nikolai was so enraptured by the show that he was taking honest-to-god notes, using the asleep Fyodor's head (which was now in his lap) as a desk. Fyodor kept lightly snoring through it, which was good. Nikolai would sooner die than let his precious pookie wake up from such a restful sleep. But enough about Fyodor. Nikolai knew now that Chris McLean was his new hero. Torturing contestants in a game show by putting them through ridiculous, potentially deadly challenges? How had Nikolai not thought of that?
"Manhunt...though it would be more interesting to use poisons rather than tranquilizers...and Fedya could easily drive the 'hunted' insane...or we could use Bram's vampirism..." muttered the clown as he furiously scribbled his ideas down.
~~insert sexy transition here~~
Somewhere in the distance, after being forced to twirl around with a hyper-excited Dazai and getting awful motion sickness, Sigma felt a strange prickle down his spine. Something awful was going to happen. He didn't know what it would be, but he knew it would be best to escape before the crazy Europeans pulled a new stunt. As much as Sigma already loathed the bandaged bastard, somewhere deep inside, he couldn't help but think that maybe Dazai's suicidal tendencies were the way to go.