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This is a story about fate, for one who believes in such notions. For one who doesn't, this is perhaps a story about healing. Nonetheless, this is how it goes.
Two lost wandering souls find each other in a foreign, distant land. Neither of them have a home, and they are not looking for one. But, as they say, the most precious treasures are found not in the process of searching. And so, when their hands touch like the faintest breeze, or when their eyes meet in the night and reflect each other's constellations, they come to think of this moment, this feeling as home.
But this story is not one without pain. This is a story that has started centuries ago, and its roots are buried deep under bloody soil, into a past left untold. The roots grow unbidden, and when the past catches up to them, there is no running away from it. So they run away from each other instead.
Their real story starts then, in the aftermath.
-
To my dear former travelling companion,
I shouldn't be writing this letter, and yet here I am, staring out into the endless waves in hopes that they might provide me with the right words to say. It feels like aeons since we last saw each other, and yet I still can't tame the storm in my head, much less convert it to words on paper. The poet in me must be slacking off these days. At least that is what Captain Beidou said. She also said that I'm too mopey and I need to pull myself together. I thought she sounded just like you then, except with less bite and more humour. And that made me realise how much I wish I could hear your lovely voice again, even if just to insult me.
Anyway, I know you care little for such information. But I hope my ramblings won't make you stop reading now, if you ever started in the first place. Because I need to talk to you like this, even if it's nothing but my own turbulent emotions. So please bear with me for a moment. I know you can be patient when you need to.
There are so many things I regret about what happened. Thinking back on it now that the initial shock has settled into acceptance, I realised too late that I had more fault in this than it seemed. I was so eager to know more about you that I didn't stop to consider whether you were ready for it. I apologise for pushing you so far. You were right when you warned me that there were so many things about your past that I could never have anticipated, and I can tell how deeply it hurt you to have that conversation. I'm so sorry for causing you pain.
I can't stop thinking about that look in your eyes when you turned away from me. It haunts me. I don't want that to be the last thing I ever see of you. I don't know when or if we'll see each other again, but I want you to know that I still don't hate you. I don't think I ever will.
I really wish you were here right now, for I feel like this letter is too little to convey my thoughts. You don't have to write back. I understand if you're not ready to face me yet. I just hope you'll be alright.
Sincerely yours,
Kaedehara Kazuha.
-
To Kaedehara Kazuha
I can't believe you're the one apologising to me of all people. You're a fool for not hating me. Any sane person would despise me in your place. Even among your kind, you truly are a strange one.
Really, why do you keep trying? What is it that you still see in me? I can't seem to figure out the answer. Are you still trying to delude yourself into thinking that I'm a good person?
Don't be stupid. I have nothing to give you.
Oh, also, I'm not signing this off. I don't have a name to use anyway.
-
To my dear nameless wanderer,
Believe me when I say I was elated to hear back from you. Thank you for giving this – whatever we have – another chance.
You might be right about me being a fool. I don't have an explanation as of why I don't think ill of you, at least not one that would satisfy you. All I can say is that I don't believe you can simply be judged as a good or bad person, especially by someone like me, a human who will never get to experience what it's like to live through centuries of anguish.
And, before your mind goes there, I'm not pitying you either. Your crimes are not justified by your suffering. But you know that too. Your guilt bleeds through your words to me, so real that I can feel it through the paper and ink. So what is even the point of me holding resentment for you when you already hold more than enough of it yourself?
You did kill people and you did destroy my clan in the past, and I've felt the consequences of it in my life. But you never did anything to hurt me, and I know you never would. During the time I spent with you, I got to know you as just yourself, and what I saw in you still rings true and can't be negated by the past. How can I hate you when my heart remembers how your eyes shine like gems when you forget to hide your wonder for the world, or how your hand felt in mine when I fell asleep next to you, or how you looked after me so gently when I was injured?
I care about you deeply. No matter how much you wish that wasn't true, my feelings are not something you can decide for me. I think you have been punished enough. I will not add to your burden. Rather, I wish to share it, if you would allow me to.
It's okay if you still need time. I will wait for you.
Always thinking of you fondly,
Kaedehara Kazuha.
-
To the most stupid human I know
Why are you always like this, Kazuha? Are you incapable of not being the sappiest person in Teyvat? I would ask if you're possessed, but this is how you've always been. Unbelievable.
I still don't understand how you can see me the way you do. But I give up on trying to persuade you, it's a lost cause. I guess I'm just stuck with you now. I'll call you a fool until the end of time, because you really are. You're stupid and irritating and too damn trusting for your own good, how have you even survived to this age?
You're right about one thing, though. I would never hurt you. I can never pay for all of my crimes, but if you want me to stay with you, then the least I can do is protect you. It's my penance, I guess. Just give me some more time, I promise we will meet again if this is what you wish for.
I can see you smiling like an idiot while reading this. Stop embarrassing yourself.
-
To my favourite person in the whole world,
Oh, but you know me so well indeed, my dearest companion. How can I possibly stop smiling when I alone have the privilege of reading these words from you? Good thing that I couldn't care less about embarrassing myself if it means I get to bask in this feeling you gifted me with. I must admit that I think of you more and more often, and I find myself yearning for your response. Next time we meet, as promised – and oh, how I treasure your promise in my heart – please give me something of yours, so I can hold on to it to remind me of you no matter where I go.
The thought that you might think of our relationship as nothing more than repaying an old debt saddens me greatly. You can believe that you owe me something, if that is what brings you peace. But let me show you how much more we can be, you and I. If you wish to cherish and protect me, then know that I will always do the same for you. I might be but a mere mortal, but I would gladly venture to capture the moon and stars for your sake. Please never think you don't deserve it.
I am currently back in Inazuma for a short while. Although I love to roam the world, even the most unshackled of souls misses their home from time to time. The sakura are simply radiant at this time of the year, I wish you were here to witness nature's beauty with me. I close my eyes and imagine what you would look like with rosy petals sticking to your hair.
I wonder what you think now about our homeland. Where was it that you last visited? The Inazuma of the present is flourishing like no other time, and I delight in this turn of events. We all fought so hard for this nation to finally prosper. How different was this place in your past? What kind of memories do you have of these islands of lightning and thunder? I want to know how you experience the world through those beautiful eyes of yours.
I wonder if you have ever been to Chinju forest, or Asase shrine, or the moon-bathed waterfalls of Watatsumi. All of these places that I have explored in the past, I'm certain they will look infinitely more marvellous with you by my side. One day, let us traverse this nation together, and may any painful memories you hold of it be overshadowed by the new ones we shall make. Our future is bright, my dear, and I'm looking forward to showing it all to you.
With heartfelt admiration,
Kaedehara Kazuha.
-
To my stupid little Kazuha,
I have a hard time thinking of Inazuma as my homeland. It is the nation of my birth, and the place where I first came to know this world, but it is also a reminder of a cursed past that will always haunt me, even if no one remains to remember it but me. But since you wish to know more, allow me to share my thoughts.
Most of my memories of Inazuma are confined to the single island of Kannazuka. Of all of the nation's islands, one would say it is the most unremarkable. My first real recollections of my life begin at a dark, abandoned domain known as the Shakkei Pavilion. It was my prison, in a sense. I don't think I was ever meant to wake up from my slumber there. But wake up I did, and once I left, I never looked back. There was nothing for me there but the reminder of my abandonment.
Oh, but there was a single maple tree there, did you know? When I first saw you, that is what I was reminded of. It was bittersweet, in a sense. I have never believed in fate, but who knows, maybe I woke up only so I could meet you one day. And that is the sappiest thing I have ever thought of, never speak of it again. You're such a bad influence.
And then, there was Tatarasuna. You know most of the details about that one already. It was the only place that I could possibly call home in all of Inazuma. But of course, nothing remains of that now but the ruins of that wretched furnace. I wish I could blow it up with one of those cannons nearby. Would you help me out? I know you would. No matter how hard you try to hide it, you do have a little bit of a destructive spirit in you.
Would you like to know how the Isshin blades were forged back in the day? I can show you, if you want. It's your legacy that I destroyed with my own hands, so it falls on me to restore it. It's good that you're a fast learner.
As for the rest of Inazuma, I will admit that I never cared to see much of it at all. Every time I returned, it was only to wreak havoc, no time for sightseeing. But if you wish to show me around, I wouldn't refuse. Though I can't promise you it will change my mind about the place. I'm afraid some of these scars run too deep to be erased. But I trust you with them. Only you. No one else.
Remember that, Kazuha.
-
My dearest Kunikuzushi,
Is it weird for me to call you by that name? Please tell me if that's something you don't like, I will stop then. But I couldn't help but think that, actually, it's such a beautiful name. And it's fitting for you, in a poetic way. Have you heard those ancient tales of legendary people whose beauty could topple entire nations? I feel that's the kind of beauty you possess, devastating and lethal. You wrote of your first impression of me, so I will tell you mine as well – I could only think of how I have never seen a being so utterly divine. You're perfection incarnate.
But that's not your only destructive power. Your soul is very much the same. I have always been fascinated by great ambitions, and it feels to me like you're the epitome of that ideal. Only someone with such powerful desires could have survived the things you did. And you still burn with it all. How can you be so godly and so human at the same time? I will always be enraptured by you.
I have found in you my ultimate muse. I shall write poetry about you, so much of it. It is only right, for the divine to be presented with honorary hymns. I worship you, Kunikuzushi. I never held such reverence for gods but I do for you. When you told me I'm the only one trusted with your scars, I felt as if I had been blessed by the heavens. To capture your gaze is the highest of achievements, higher than ascending to Celestia. I will do everything in my power to prove myself worthy of you. I know your trust has been betrayed before, but not this time. I would rather die than hurt you in any way.
You may not believe in fate, but I do. And it feels like it's been smiling upon me. My life before I met you had its own joys, but it always felt like there was something missing. You have filled that void in me that I could never even find. Please, never leave me, my star.
I miss you so dearly,
Your Kazuha.
-
To Kazuha,
You can call me whatever you wish. I never had a real name anyway, I'm so used to being ascribed a thousand meaningless titles. But you will find a way to give meaning to anything, won't you? When I called myself Kunikuzushi, it was only meant to be a symbol of my vengeance, a reminder to the world that I will bring downfall to anyone who wronged me. Your interpretation is something that would have never crossed my mind.
Don't say you worship me like a god, Kazuha. It's too much to bear. I spent centuries chasing divinity like a crazed maniac, but no matter what I sacrificed, it was never enough, I was never enough. If you had said those words to me back then, I would have grabbed them like a lifeline. I would bleed you dry, destroy you, destroy everything I have and everything I ever was just to numb the hollow ache in my chest. It's still here, the pain, it will always be. The absence of a heart, the void that keeps growing. How foolish I was to believe I could just fill it with a gnosis.
You didn't see me then. If you had, you wouldn't say those things. I'm not something worth worshipping. I have always been an incomplete being, a pathetic little thing that held nothing but endless rage and sorrow. How ironic for a god to construct a puppet in their image, only to mess up this badly. I was useless from the moment I was born.
Do you know how many times I have yearned for death, for the sweet release of oblivion? I am incapable of dying though, it's a cruel joke. So don't be alarmed, I'm not trying again. But sometimes, when my traitorous mind gets too loud, I still think about it.
Why would you worship such an imperfect thing?
-
My most cherished treasure,
I'm sorry, my sweetheart. I never meant to make you feel like this. You have never been this open about your sorrows, so I can tell I struck a nerve. I wish I was there to hold you and tell you this in person, but this will have to suffice for now. Please read my words carefully.
I cannot even begin to grasp how you feel, so I won't lie to you by telling you I understand. I will probably never understand. But I will always be here for you. You're not useless to me, you're not incomplete, you're not a burden. If only you could see yourself the way I see you. You're so beautiful, so strong. I'm so happy you exist.
If your creator cast you aside for not meeting her expectations, then I think she's foolish beyond reason. And if people only used you as a tool for your nature and never stopped to care about the person within, I pity them for being so blind. You don't have to be defined by what others think you ought to be. You can just be you, with all your faults and all your insecurities and everything that makes you who you are. And if the pain of existing gets too much, it's alright to be bitter and sad. Your emotions don't make you weak.
Divinity is subjective. You don't have to meet their standards to be divine. And you don't have to be divine at all to be worthy of love. You have always been worthy. I hope that one day you will see that. But until then, I will be here to catch you when you fall.
And who ever said you don't have a heart? Sure, you may not have a physical heart, but that's nothing but an ordinary organ. You don't need it. Your real heart has always existed from the moment you were born.
Please take care of yourself,
Your Kazuha.
-
To my dear Kazuha,
Damn you and everything that comes out of that stupid sweet brain of yours. I can't believe you seriously replied to all my useless ramblings. You're so fucking stupid, you're actually insane, I don't even know why I bother with you and your never ending nonsense.
But thank you. I appreciate your words. I am trying to live with myself, slowly making progress. In the past, I would have scoffed at the idea of accepting help, but now, maybe I can afford to have some, if it's from you.
I'm not good with words like you are. Actually, I'm not good at anything associated with human connection. You know that though. And for some reason, you don't mind. Are you a masochist?
Anyway. I made this for you I happened to make this little ornament thing in my free time. I have no use for it and I thought you might like it, so I'm sending it together with this letter. No need to thank me for it.
Take care, I guess.
-
To the light of my life,
I know you said not to thank you for the gift, but I'm thanking you anyway. It's very beautiful, where did you learn to make things like these? You're so skilled with your hands, my dear. I wonder what else you can do with them that I have yet to discover...
Your gift has found its home now. I have attached it to the hilt of my favourite blade, that way I will be able to carry it with me everywhere, and when I miss you the most, I can look at it and imagine your face so adorably tense with concentration as you were making it. I'm so hopeless for you. You drive me insane.
You're the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning and when I fall asleep at night. I close my eyes so I can fool myself that you're by my side, watching over me silently like you always did. Did you know I noticed that you liked to watch me sleep? It made my heart warm up like a tiny sun. But I wouldn't tell you because I was afraid you would stop doing it out of embarrassment. Don't be embarrassed, my darling. When we meet again, I will do my best to make you work on that habit of yours.
I miss you so terribly, dear Kunikuzushi. I miss your touch, your eyes, your voice, I miss everything about you. I even miss your sarcasm and your insults, and the look of disgust you gave me that one time I tried to feed you my cooking. You're my whole world.
Forever yours,
Kazuha.
-
Dear Kazuha,
You don't have to miss me any more.
Come meet me in Sumeru as soon as you can. I need to tell you something in person.
I'm waiting for you,
Kunikuzushi.
-
When the lush green shape of Port Ormos appears in the distance, Kazuha feels like his soul is being pulled by an invisible string, guiding him back to his home.
As soon as he received that last letter, he had practically begged Beidou to make a detour to her route so that he could be by his side as soon as humanly possible. Thankfully, the captain had understood. The two of them share a bond akin to family at this point, and she has watched him pine after a shadow for several months. When he came to her, she just laughed heartily and commanded her crew to steer the ship towards Sumeru.
Kazuha couldn't be more grateful to have a friend like her.
The journey there wasn't that long, and the Alcor was gliding across the waves with the help of the east wind they had encountered. It was almost like the universe was taking pity on Kazuha's poor lovesick heart. And yet, he felt every single minute spent on sea was torturously slow. He spent the whole time gazing at the horizon, his fingers fiddling with the small ornament hanging from his sword.
Wanderer's gift is made of crimson thread tightly woven with small, sparkling beads. The colour is perfectly fitting with Kazuha's autumn aesthetics, but the shape of it is that of a lotus, which reminds him of the same flower patterns all over his partner's attire. Kazuha thinks it is perfectly symbolic of them together, as one. And there is nothing that could make him happier.
As soon as his feet touch down on the land of wisdom, he feels lighter than a feather drifting in the wind, although his heart is pounding heavily in anticipation. Beidou waves at him excitedly from aboard the ship, and he turns around one last time to bid her goodbye.
“Go get your man!” she cheers at him, her voice booming through the busy docks. He can't help but laugh in response.
Get him I will, he thinks, unbidden.
It doesn't take long to find the person he's looking for. He stands out amongst the crowd like a lone indigo rose in a field of wild weeds. Their eyes meet across the sea of people, and Kazuha spends only a split second marvelling at how Wanderer's starlit eyes widen in recognition before he starts, running, finally closing the last of the distance between them.
Kazuha tackles him into a tight hug, and he can feel how the other staggers for a second before managing to regain his balance after the collision. But Kazuha couldn't care less even if they fell to the ground in the middle of the street, he's drunk on his own overflowing love as he breathes in Wanderer's familiar scent. He almost cries in relief.
“Watch it, stupid! You almost knocked my hat off.” Wanderer exclaims in an exasperated tone, yet all the annoyance melts away a second later when he puts his arms around Kazuha in return. “Welcome back.” he whispers softly, for only him to hear.
Kazuha pulls back just enough to look at him again. He raises both hands to gently cup the pretty face in front of him. “Hello, beautiful...” he says, out of breath.
“Well, hello to you too.” Wanderer replies with a smirk. “Took you long enough.”
“I know” Kazuha complains with a sigh. “The journey felt like an eternity. And I spent the whole time thinking about you.”
Wanderer grumbles something inaudible under his breath, covering his face in embarrassment. Kazuha laughs, his entire chest burning up as he pulls the other's hands away again. He doesn't let go of them. Instead, he holds them in his own, greedy to touch the soft, pale skin.
His companion clicks his tongue in annoyance, but he doesn't make a move to pull away his hands from Kazuha's grip. “Stop smiling so much, you'll break your face.”
Kazuha huffs, amused. “I'm sorry, I can't do that. I'm so happy to see you.”
Wanderer doesn't reply, but his lips turn up into a tiny smile that seems to say I'm happy to see you too, moron. Kazuha is so obsessed with him.
After a while of Wanderer attempting to pry Kazuha off of him and failing miserably, the two find themselves in a quieter street, under the shade of a large palm tree. Their hands are still connected, and Kazuha admires the way their fingers fit together like they were made to be joined like this.
“So” Kazuha says, breaking the comfortable silence. “You wanted to tell me something.”
“...Right.” Wanderer says, and then he takes a deep breath. They both know he doesn't need to breathe, but rather he does it to ground himself. Kazuha looks at him softly, encouragingly.
He's not prepared for the words that come out of his lips.
“I am ready to devote myself to you.”
Kazuha sucks in a breath, his face colouring bright red. “W-what?”
“I mean... uh shit, what am I saying?” Wanderer curses, teeth worrying at his lip nervously. “You wanted to travel with me again, didn't you? Well, I'm ready for that. I spoke with Lesser Lord Kusanali and she has allowed me to go freely. I can be with you from now on.”
And just like that, Kazuha's biggest dream has come true. It's a simple, quiet dream. A dream of two souls witnessing the world hand in hand.
“Where will we go?” he asks, still smiling lovingly.
“Anywhere you want.”
“Anywhere we want.”
“Right. We.” Wanderer repeats quietly, as if tasting the word in his mouth. Kazuha laughs softly. It's all so perfect.
“I also have something to tell you.” he says, drawing closer to him.
Wanderer hums in anticipation.
“I love you.” Kazuha breathes out. “I love you so much.”
Wanderer's expression grows beautifully vulnerable for a second, and Kazuha can feel his grip on his hand tightening as he prays to the heavens to immortalise this moment forever. Then, ever so composed, his beloved turns softness into playfulness, smiling coyly at Kazuha. “I know, stupid. I could tell from your ridiculous letters. You're so hopeless.”
Kazuha nods in agreement. “Hopeless for you, always.”
“Shut up.” Wanderer whispers, still smiling.
“I will shut up if you kiss me.” Kazuha challenges.
And so, they do kiss. It's soft, inexperienced and clumsy, but perfect nonetheless. Kazuha thinks he's absolutely addicted to the softness of his lips, the hint of a cool breeze and the faint taste of aromatic tea. His heart beats in the rhythm of a symphony and he's so, so in love.
Wanderer is the one to pull away after a few moments and Kazuha is jolted out of his stupor by the melancholic look on his face.
“What's wrong, my love?” he rushes to ask, gently running his finger's across the other's cheek. “Did I do something I shouldn't have. Please, forgive me, I – ”
Wanderer shakes his head. “No. It's just that I... I feel like...”
Kazuha sees the way his lover is frantically trying to look for words and his brows furrow in worry.
“It's alright.” he says quietly.
“No, it's not!” Wanderer responds, a little too loud, and his eyes are ever so slightly watery. “I... you told me you... love me and I... don't I have to say it back? But I can't...” he says, voice growing small and fragile.
Kazuha's heart breaks and melts in his chest. Of course his love would think he has to do things a certain way, as if this is transactional, as if Kazuha will leave him if he doesn't try hard enough. It's a ridiculous notion, and yet here he is, tearing himself apart like a child begging not to be abandoned, clutching at the barest hint of affection like it's about to be ripped away from him at any moment.
He pulls Wanderer into his arms before he can spiral further, and he feels the other cling to him tightly, shivering like a leaf in the wind.
“You don't have to say it.” he whispers, placing a kiss on Wanderer's silky hair. “This is enough. You are enough.”
Wanderer lets out a shaky exhale. “But I want to... I feel it as well, it's just that... I'm not used to this... I have never...”
“I know” Kazuha says with a smile. “You can say it when you're ready. I'm not going anywhere, love.”
They both grow silent after that, just relishing in each other's warmth. Kazuha keeps gently combing his fingers through Wanderer's hair until his shaking subsides. They don't have to say or do anything else. It's just them and their wild, impossible love against the world.
But it's all going to be okay. They have plenty of time.