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There had been a time when the thought of existing in a world with Satoru was impossible, too far away, and not realistic. Now that it happened you couldn't come to terms with it.
At first, you could only rationalize. Over and over you told yourself he was going to come back. You would have a second chance. Then when you got this second chance everything would be different.
This time around you'd speak your mind; say everything you held yourself back from telling him.
Even now you wonder if you saying the thoughts that haunted you throughout your youth would've made a difference. At least in this lifetime, you thought that.
The lack of Satoru's presence in your room made it all more real.
Despite being a door away, he never really stood in his room.
He never explained why he didn't like it but you knew the real reason. Satoru couldn't be alone for too long because when he did his thoughts never stopped racing.
They ate away at him. All the regret would creep in slowly and then suddenly. When it became overwhelming he'd toss and turn for hours in bed.
But instead, he was by your side almost every night sleeping on the pull-out couch in the corner of your room.
Ever since that day, the day he officially became the strongest everything had changed with you included.
Satoru no longer needed Geto or you, he did almost everything completely alone.
From missions to even training, all alone. You remember it as clearly as the day when you first realized it.
"Suguru?" You said softly as you approached him. He looked up and met your eyes that's when you noticed something was up. You were surprised to see him. It had been a while. It seemed that he had been sent away on multiple occasions recently.
When you came back, he was leaving, and when Satoru was coming back you left.
It worked almost too well against the three of you which made you question if they were doing it on purpose.
Suguru hummed acknowledging your presence.
"When did you get here?" It had been so long, that you felt nervous. Could you still hug him? Greet him the way you used to or had that changed too like everything else?
You wanted nothing more than to reach out for Suguru but you stopped yourself.
"Before you and after Shoko." He motioned his head in Shoko's direction. Your eyes followed and that's when you saw her speaking to Satoru.
Turning back your focus went to Suguru.
There was so much you wanted to tell him but again you couldn't.
Looking up at him you noticed you weren't the only one feeling this way.
Just like he did, you retreated after the loss of Riko Amanai.
It was almost as if it awakened something in you both. You no longer had the desire to continue at Jujustu Tech. If they had Satoru, you were sure they'd be fine. That's what you told yourself, you weren't needed. You were a grade 2 sorcerer, no matter the efforts you dished out it never changed.
Deep down before Riko, you knew you had been falling behind but this proved to you.
You were a dead weight that lingered behind Suguru and Satoru wherever they went.
Being capable of doing the job wasn't enough at least not for a Jujustu Sorcerer. Just being capable meant a premature death at the hands of some curse or worse, curse user.
"How come you're here too?" Suguru asked you as he snapped you out of your thoughts.
"Luck? I'm just as shocked as you." You shoved your hands into your pockets. Creating as much distance from Suguru as possible. That included holding yourself back.
The way he didn't bother to move forward or reach out to you only proved you weren't the only one feeling this way.
Suguru hummed as he nodded his head softly.
Despite being further away you could hear Satoru's laugh causing you to turn towards it.
It seemed like he had been practicing and finally had it under control. Shoko tossed an eraser and as expected it never reached him.
Instead, the eraser met an invisible wall before bouncing against it to only fall.
Out of the three of you, Satoru was the only one who had benefited from everything to your knowledge.
When just as you were, he was questioning everything. Satoru just hadn't noticed he was yet.
"When's your next mission?" You turned away from Satoru.
"Tomorrow," Suguru whispered.
"You just got back?" You said sadly.
"It's getting worse," He didn't need to say it. You knew he was talking about all the curses popping up around after Riko and Toji.
"I know, I know," You turned away from Suguru and back towards Satoru.
That's when he noticed the both of you had been there watching this entire time. Satoru lifted his arm waving in your direction. He was greeting you both, far more enthusiastic than Suguru and you combined.
It made sense after all now he was the strongest, no longer burdened by his friends carrying the title with him.
Suguru didn't respond which was unusual but nothing was okay so you didn't question it.
Satoru noticed no one moved forward. He huffed and took it upon himself to go over.
"Why are guys over here?" He held his hands on his hips still housing that stupid grin. Satoru was completely obvious and it felt like a tease.
"It's hot out and I'm exhausted." You looked at the tree you were standing underneath with Suguru. Satoru's eyes followed yours then he looked back to you and Suguru, he hummed.
A moment of silence passed over. Making you wish that Satoru would notice your silent begging.
"Suguru did you lose weight?" He squinted as he stared at his best friend. Suguru shook his head softly, so softly you barely noticed.
He turned to you this time to say something but you didn't let him.
"I'll see you later." You mumbled.
Perhaps you could've told Satoru about the problem but you couldn't. He wouldn't understand where you were, he wouldn't know why you felt this way.
Satoru pouted as he watched you walk away from him and Suguru.
Now that you thought back to that day you punched and kicked at yourself for not just admitting it.
Maybe if you had said something, it would've brought more attention to Suguru too. You could've helped him, stopped him but how were you supposed to know he was heading down the genocidal path?
You were planning on leaving behind becoming a Jujustu Sorcerer not committing mass murder.
Though you should've been angry or shocked when you found out about Suguru but you weren't. Instead, you wanted to tell Suguru.
'Good for you.'
He seemed to have sorted everything out and he was back to normal. As normal as he could get any more at least.
While you were continuing a downward spiral.
As time passed you caught yourself after every mission locking yourself away. Shutting everyone and everything out even Satoru.
Despite him being the only thing left, the only consistency, he still reminded you about your youth and everything that happened.
The thought of being around him when you went through those dark patches made you even more sick.
That was until he had finally noticed.
He was too late, years too late but better late than never?
"Why won't you speak to me?" He tried to be gentle but you could hear the frustration in his voice.
You didn't respond as you continued to stare off at the wall in front of you.
Satoru bent down to your level resting his hands on your knees as he tried to look through you but still nothing.
In that moment you were glad he ditched the glasses you had gifted him. His six eyes had become a challenge and the glasses weren't strong enough anymore.
If you could see the way his eyes stared at you with worry and hopelessness you would've cracked.
He gently reached out for you but retracted his hand before he could even touch you. You found yourself silently begging again. For him to touch you, hold you but like last time your mouth never opened
After that, you retreated even further. Suguru was being brought up more by now, the higher-ups were furious nothing was being done.
Satoru wasn't making any progress in finding him because he didn't want to. The higher-ups tried to get your help but you didn't say anything.
You of all people weren't going to hunt Suguru down like a wild dog. They were forced to give up on that dream.
Satoru was becoming more alarmed with each mission you were sent on you were getting worse. He found himself in your room often.
That's when he started coming over every night, to not just help ease your thoughts but his too. He never admitted to it though, after all, he was the strongest.
There was no room for a weakness like that.
Without saying anything he'd come in and sleep beside in your bed, keeping a distance but enough for you to feel his warmth.
There had been a time he had walked in on you curled up in front of the toilet after you had thrown up last night's dinner.
There was so much he should've or could've said but he didn't. He held himself back from speaking while you continued to silently beg for him to do anything.
It had gotten even worse until it got better. You had to quit the missions, Satoru made sure you weren't going to take another one again. He had to fight the higher-ups and explain how badly they were harming him and they didn't like that.
They didn't care about your mental state or your well-being either.
Another reason why you wanted to tell Suguru,
'Good for you.'
He left and you were still stuck drowning because all you did was silently beg.
Yaga even visited you when he noticed you coming around.
"You know you don't have to truly leave." He spoke so gently that it amazed you to think this was the same man who would so often yell at you.
You weren't the most well-behaved student when you were younger. Yaga had to suffer through your tardiness and overly welcoming personality for two years until everything happened.
As much as he hated having to yell and reprimand you, he missed it dearly when he noticed you had gone quiet.
"What do you mean?" You asked him. Yaga sighed as he sunk into his seat. Your hands are folded gently in your lap.
"You can become a teacher." He said gently. The thought of becoming a teacher seemed like a joke.
You? A teacher?
"You're joking?" Your folded hands fell to your sides.
"No, I think we could use you." He said truthfully.
"How?" This time you retreated into yourself.
"I like to think if there was someone like you around when everything happened maybe then—" He couldn't finish his sentence. You knew exactly why he couldn't. Yaga blamed himself partially for Suguru and you.
You wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault. Yaga did the best he could do given the circumstances but like always you said nothing.
"I'll sit on it." You told him.
Yaga didn't say anything else he just left, he left you alone again.
Satoru was the first to find out you had become a teacher. He was excited, way more than you were.
This gave him an even bigger excuse to keep a watchful eye on you.
When he noticed how well you settled into your new job he was finally satisfied. It seemed like things were finally set right and you were going to be fine after all.
That was until you made an awful discovery. After spending nights with Satoru in your room and him helping you each time you came back sick from your missions something changed.
At least for you. You wondered if it was always there but it wasn't, you were sure of that.
That was until you realized how wrong you were. You had always loved Satoru it just had taken a while to notice.
You brushed it off over and over until you ran out of space to push it more.
But you couldn't say anything, at least not in this lifetime. Not in one where he was the strongest or he was your best friend.
That didn't stop your silent begs for him to notice you were completely in love with him.
He had his issues, he didn't need his best friend to become one of those too.
You knew deep down that Satoru never recovered from Suguru. It was even more evident after the declaration of war.
For the first time, you were the one comforting him. It made you realize how much you had taken for granted, Satoru was hurting and he had been the one caring for you the entire time.
You couldn't let your own emotions take over that night. Instead when he came back he walked into your room without saying a word.
Just by the way he stood there you already knew, Suguru Geto was dead.
He didn't need to say it for you to know.
You helped him undress, slipping him into his usual night clothes. He was much larger than you and it was a task but you didn't complain. You were silent as you helped him into your bed.
For the first time, the gap between your bodies was closed. You lay there holding Satoru close to your chest while he clung tightly to your body.
It was the most you had gotten out of each other after all these years.
The first time and last you did something that wasn't a silent beg. Satoru slept peacefully in your arms that night while you couldn't.
You laid awake afraid that when you woke up he would be gone.
After that night it had become a weekly occurrence, the distance between your bodies would close in. Satoru would hold you close to him while you drank in his warmth.
Neither of you said anything about it because when the morning came you had gone back to normal.
It continued to be that way for a while and you wanted so badly to ask if it was just you that felt comforted and at peace. If it was just your heart that raced and pounded against your chest when you were that close. Like always you didn't mention it knowing better.
Knowing that Satoru Gojo couldn't afford the heartbreak of telling you he didn't or did.
There was no room for Satoru Gojo as the strongest to be so vulnerable, not now when you were so far from your youth. A time when he was so ignorant.
That's when you came to terms that in this lifetime there were going to be things you couldn't have and that meant Satoru.
But that didn't mean not having him, meant it in that sense. One where he was completely gone.
You were at Jujustu Tech when the news about Shibuya broke. They wanted you on duty, even despite how long it had been since your last mission.
That's when you knew things weren't going well. When you arrived you were too late. Satoru Gojo had been sealed.
To make it even worse, you had found out it was a curse user named Kenjaku who hijacked Suguru's body.
You saw it for yourself. Kenjaku knew who you were, he had seen you in Suguru's memory. You were no threat, not worth his effort. Just as quick as you saw him, he had left.
For the next few days, you worked yourself endlessly trying to get Satoru free. Even if it meant fully immersing yourself back into being a Sorcerer. There was no time to pity yourself for how bad things were getting.
By the time Satoru was unsealed he noticed everything had changed. He missed out on so much and he was only gone for 19 days.
In those 19 days, you had changed. Your skin had new scars and open wounds. The bags under your eyes had returned and the skin around your nails had been chewed raw.
You didn't care about anything else but that Satoru was freed.
When you saw him you didn't say anything, you ran to him pulling him down to your height.
You hugged him as tight as you possibly could doing the same thing you always did, silently begging him to notice.
For him to notice how badly you missed him, you needed him, and doing this alone wasn't an option.
"You look different," Satoru's hand touched the ends of your hair. It was short, way shorter than before, and bluntly cut. He wanted to ask what had happened but by your looks, you weren't in the mood to explain.
There was a new wound across your face, going diagonally across from your eyebrow to your lip.
His thumb traced across the skin underneath your eyes that sat a few shades darker than your complexion.
Your skin was cold and though the same look wasn't in your eyes anymore. This new one scared him.
You wanted to tell him you weren't any different, not internally at least. That you still loved him just as much and you missed him but you would never gain the courage.
The next few days had gone in a blur, and Satoru didn't have the time to adjust to the new changes.
When he found out about Megumi he was crushed but he didn't show it.
Megumi had been taken over by Sukuna and now he had to fight him.
You were nervous for not just Satoru but Megumi. This fight meant either one of them wasn't going to make it. You were going to lose Satoru or Megumi, the kid you had flourished from a young age.
The same kid whom you had taught for the past year.
"I'll win," Satoru was trying to convince but you were sure it was more for himself.
You were selfish enough to want him to stay, not to fight Sukuna but you knew he wasn't going to back down.
It didn't stop the dreadful feeling creeping through your stomach. The way he was standing here felt an awful lot like a goodbye.
"I'm Satoru Gojo, after all," He gave you a cheesy grin and you returned it with a soft smile.
When he went to pull away to leave you stopped him. Just this once you needed to be selfish, to stop silently begging him. Maybe now he could and would listen to you.
You weren't sure what had gone over you and even he was taken back. He stared at you with wide eyes full of shock.
"Not yet," You said softly. He didn't know what you were talking about.
Without saying another word you reached over pulling Satoru close, and you buried your head into the fabric of his jacket. Snuggling the scarf he had wrapped around his neck.
You had gifted it to him back in your youth.
Satoru reached out wrapping his arms around you. He buried his face into the top of your head.
If you hadn't known any better you would've guessed he was silently begging you as well. He wasn't so sure of himself this time.
For the first time, Satoru Gojo was doubting he was the strongest. All he needed was your words, he needed you to confess and that would be enough for him.
But you didn't, you never did, and neither did he.
He pulled away first using the pad of his thumb to wipe away any of your stray tears.
You laughed softly at his gesture and his gaze softened.
He wished he could tell you how much you meant to him.
"Promise me, you'll win." You held onto his hand not wanting him to move from your face.
"I already told you, I'm Satoru Gojo. I won't lose."
Your hand slipped down falling back to your side and he pulled away.
"I'll see you later then."
Later? Yeah, saying that was better than a goodbye.
Satoru gave you a weak smile. He wanted to admit it, tell you everything he had felt but he couldn’t. If he was going to fight against Sukuna and potentially lose, he couldn’t say it.
If he had admitted he loved you right now, you would’ve fell to your knees and begged him to stay and he would’ve listened.
He couldn’t be selfish, he didn’t have the capacity to be selfish for a man in his position.
"See you," He pulled fully away turning away. You watched at Satoru leaving you standing there alone. You wished for nothing more than for him to change his mind but he never did.
You were there when it happened, you saw it all.
Your entire body had gone numb and everything you had eaten the previous day threatened to spill. Doubling over you held onto your stomach as you tried to swallow the bile.
It wasn't until a pair of hands reached out for you. You didn't care or bother to check who it was.
Not until their voice alerted you.
"Sensei?" They were worried.
It was Yuji Itadori and in that moment you never felt more guilty. You were his teacher, you should've been supporting him. Instead with tears welling in his eyes he was there trying to help you.
"I'm okay," You strained out.
He knew that you weren't and he didn't want to push you.
Days had gone by and unlike last time you didn't retreat. You had gone back to normal or as normal as it was before.
It worried everyone but Shoko the most.
You were such an idiot, so selfish and so self-centered to have forgotten about her.
Shoko was the only one who could share your pain and you had spent the last few years isolated from her.
You wanted to beat yourself up for it. She was there too.
"You can't keep overworking." She blew the smoke into the air. You ignored her as you continued sorting through the mess you had made.
"I mean it," She sighed as she continued to watch. You had gone erratic and impulsive now. Mostly to keep you busy because if you stood still for even a moment you'd get sick.
To continue you picked up smoking, you were never fond of the smell of cigarettes but now you didn't care. Satoru would've scolded you for smoking if he had seen you.
Shoko tried to help by bringing you a box but she noticed how quickly you were blowing through it and then stopped.
With the smoking came the drinking, you weren't excessively drinking because you didn't have time. But you didn't drink at all before mostly because Satoru hated it.
It seemed like you had begun doing everything he hated.
You did it as a way to distance yourself. If you worked hard enough you could find a way to bring Satoru back, there had to have been a loophole.
If you stood still for just a moment you would notice how insane you sounded. Bringing someone back from the dead wasn't normal.
The only thing you could find was the same spell that had been used for Toji Fushiguro. Making Satoru a killing puppet that attacked anything wasn't what you would want.
Shoko worried even when she shouldn't have. She pressed the tip of her cigarette against the railing.
Successfully turning it off she found herself approaching you.
"This isn't healthy." She said with a frown.
Shoko took the cigarette from between your fingers. Instead of delicately turning yours off as well, she didn't. Shoko took the cigarette and flung it to the floor.
She used her heel to stomp out the flame. You gasped as you watched your cigarette crumble back the fine tobacco.
"Shoko," You sighed as you stared down at the dark stain from where the cigarette had burnt the wood tile.
Before you could bring out another she had stopped you. Shoko held the box in her hands keeping you from smoking.
Her gesture wasn't much but it was enough to push you over the edge.
Frustration burned through your skin.
She could tell you beginning to grow impatient with her and she didn't care. Leaving you to rot here alone was the same as signing off your death.
Shoko didn't have the room in her heart to bury another friend.
"What's the matter with you? Why are you treating me like a child?" You snapped at her. She remained silent knowing better than to feed into your anger right now.
"It's not like anyone's helping me so how am I supposed to rest?" You grumbled. Still, she remained as stoic as ever, your words meant nothing to her.
If she knew losing Satoru would have this much impact on you, she would've never pushed for you to go up to him.
"I don't know, Shoko." You shook your head as you stole glances at the white-haired boy.
"Don't be such a baby," Shoko pushed you forward. You playfully swatted at her hands but that didn't stop her. The mischievous glint in her eyes proves you.
"He's a total loser because he's so cocky it's suffocating." You tried to get her to sympathize but she wasn't having it.
"A loser that has the potential to be your friend, you can't just have one friend." She rationalized.
You groaned knowing she was right. There weren't that many options either in your grade. It was Satoru Gojo and Suguru Geto or nothing.
"You've become a real pain in my ass, you know." Shoko's voice brought you back to reality. You rolled your eyes at her comment and she huffed.
"Seems like you're the one who's enjoying it?" You remarked. Shoko sighed not wanting to go back and forth.
She gave in and allowed you to grab the pack of cigarettes again. You didn't rush for it like she expected.
"You gotta get out of here, it's gross." She scrunched up her nose as she looked around your room.
It was odd to see it messy but given the circumstances, she tried to not judge too much.
"It's fine," You moved away from Shoko as you threw yourself down onto your bed.
She didn't say anything as she walked over sitting on the edge of your bed.
Shoko was waiting for you to push her away but you didn't. As much as you tried to not admit it, you missed the company of someone else.
But that someone else was dead.
You watched carefully as Shoko tried to decide if it was worth her staying.
With your silence, she was getting the hint that she overstated her welcome. Not that she needed your approval, she couldn't push you in this state.
When she got up to leave you stopped her. Instead of making your past mistakes you didn't silently beg for her to stay.
You used your words. "Don't go," Your voice sounded small and you hated yourself. You weren't the only one grieving and you were still being selfish.
"Okay, I won't." Shoko sat back down. You pulled her near you and she got the hint.
Shoko carefully laid down on your bed.
With her back flushed against your bed, you laid on your side facing her.
There was a distance between your bodies that you didn't bother closing in.
She looked over at you and she was sure your hard expression was gone.
"I'm sorry," You broke the silence. Shoko snapped her head in your direction.
"You lost him too but you're still worried about me." Your voice wavered. She didn't dare to move or even breathe.
"Because you're my friend too," Shoko's voice was soft.
"I should've been a better one, it shouldn't have taken this." You said sadly not able to look at her.
It shouldn't have taken losing Satoru for you to be there for Shoko.
The sound of broken sobs forced you to look up at her. Shoko lay there using the back of her palm to try to quiet her sobs. It didn't work because you heard all of it. You watched as the tears began rolling down her cheeks staining your pillow.
"I'm so sorry," You reached out for her.
Shoko doesn't pull away, instead, she latched onto you.
You couldn't be so sure how long you laid there with Shoko but it didn't feel enough.
But it helped to ease the pain just a little to know that you weren't alone anymore.