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Akito hates that this song isn’t coming together. He’s been writing and rewriting it all day and still nothing. Not helped by a horrible headache that comes and goes.
And he’s got to pick out outfits for their shows. All their friends have distinct performance wear that helps them stand out while looking like a cohesive unit. If Vivid BAD SQUAD is going to leave a mark they should have something too.
And they just finished their event so they need to consider another one, and start thinking about what to change and perfect. They still haven’t gotten the right “atmosphere.”
And he needs to practice more, he’s been falling behind again since Toya and Kohane saw RAD WEEKEND for themselves and got a new boost of energy.
And-
Someone’s shaking him.
Akito looks up to see Kamishiro-senpai staring at him, looking concerned.
“…re …ing here?” Kamishiro-senpai’s being really quiet for some reason, and the headache’s back so Akito really doesn’t feel like dealing with whatever he’s talking about.
“‘M busy, can you leave me alone?”
“…vry…gone…lunch.”
“Huh? What? I’m not hungry.”
“Aki-kun… gers… up?” Kamishiro-senpai asks. It takes Akito a second to figure out he’s asking how many fingers he’s holding up and Akito finally looks up at him.
“I dunno, twelve?” Akito says, squinting. “I don’t care about your magic tricks right now man, I’m working on something.”
“Really?” Kamishiro-senpai says, louder now. “ Because it just looks like you’re scribbling on a blank sheet of paper.”
Akito blinks and looks down. Instead of notes, there’s just a scrawled mess, just like senpai said.
“Huh.”
“What are you working on?” Kamishiro-senpai asks.
“Uhh… something.” Damn it, what was he thinking about a second ago? It’s kinda foggy. “A show, I think?”
“All right, can you hold still for me, please?” Kamishiro-senpai holds something in front of Akito’s face.
“Yeah. That’d do it. You’re running a 40 degree fever. Where’s Aoyagi-kun?”
That cuts through the haze in Akito’s mind.
“He’s busy…” Akito mumbles before slumping over. He just wants this headache to go away.
“Hmm, ok. Well let’s get you to the nurse’s office at least.”
Kamishiro-senpai is practically dragging Akito down the hall, and he collapses onto the cot.
Now that he thinks about it, his entire body hurts. He thought he was just sore from practicing last night. He’d wanted to forget that nightmare…
God, Akito knows these notes. He knows these words.
He just can’t sing them.
Why? Did he not practice enough?
Everyone in the audience is staring at him, their eyes drilling into him.
When they get off stage, no one even needs to say anything.
He’s failed them.
“Hey, Akito,” An says cautiously. “We were, um, thinking that maybe you can sit out the next show?”
Akito’s heart gets stuck in his throat.
“I’ll do better next time, don’t worry.”
“You said that last time,” Kohane says.
“I…”
“Look, Akito, it’s not that we don’t appreciate you helping us get this far…” Toya says.
But you can’t get us any further.
Even without Toya saying them out loud, the words hang around Akito like a heavy blanket.
He can’t look any of them in the eye, so he just runs out.
He feels like he’s running forever, but when he looks up he’s still in the same place.
He’s always in the same place.
Akito digs the palms of his hands into his eyes. He’d woken up after that and ran through their entire setlist until the sun rose.
Thinking back on it, he never did get back to sleep.
The sound of Toya’s footsteps helps bring Akito back to the present.
“Akito!” Toya gasps, collapsing at his side. “What’s going on?”
“Nothin’. ‘M fine.”
“Akito, come on.”
“It’s really nothing.”
“You’ve been practicing too much again,” Toya sighs. “Why? Why do you keep doing this to yourself?!”
“‘S nothing to worry about.”
“Nothing to worry about?! You’re in the nurse’s office because your fever’s so high you can’t do anything. It’s a miracle you even made it to school today in your condition instead of collapsing on the sidewalk!”
Akito winces. “I just… gotta push through…”
“Push through what?! You can’t brute force yourself into surpassing RAD WEEKEND, Akito, we’ve been over this!”
“Not that… it’s just… when I feel insecure or get worried about you leaving… I can’t let my hang ups hold us back… so when I get worried I just focus on practice instead.”
“Partner… why can’t you just talk to us about this?” Toya looks close to tears.
“Nothing to talk about… I know it’s stupid, but I still worry about it… and I don’t want to accidentally sabotage us because I’m all insecure ‘n shit. It’s my problem. I know I shouldn’t be worried but I am. But I refuse to let that be the thing that ruins us.”
“You’re not going to ruin us, Akito,” Toya says. “And I’m not going to leave, ok? I love you.”
“Don’t promise me that. Don’t force yourself to stay with me.”
“Sorry partner, I can’t do that. I love you and I’m going to stick with you.”
“If you find something better…”
“Shhh…. Try to quiet the noises in your head, we can’t compete with all that.”
Akito closes his eyes. “Sing me to sleep, partner?”
“Of course.”