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If you are reading this, it means the worst has come to pass and I am gone. I always knew there was a high chance that this is how my story would end, although I had hoped to save you the heartache…
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I’d be leaving. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was headed. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that you might never see me again. I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I’m sorry for all the things left unsaid. I’m sorry for not marrying you. I’m sorry for not having kids with you. I’m sorry for not giving you the life you deserved. I’m sorry… well… for everything.
I wanted our last day together to be a happy one, I hope one day you can forgive my selfishness. I wanted to show you the stars, you know. I had hoped that once I came back, I could somehow persuade The Forum to use the Ragnarok at least once with you on board. I wish I could’ve shown you the world beyond the night sky, I was probably thinking of you the whole way there and how far away you are from me now.
I had to restart writing this letter about 20 times now. Well, I stopped counting after 20 anyway, but the words still elude me. I guess I should try to answer what I reckon you’re asking me. “Why didn’t you take me with you?” I couldn’t risk it darling, I just couldn’t. There’s no telling what lies at my destination, what threats we would face, I couldn’t put you in a dangerous place like that. I’m saving the star for you after all, can’t let the most precious thing on it be gone.
All of this sounds wrong. I can’t leave such a pathetic letter behind for you when I’m gone, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to write anything proper down. This was a dumb idea anyway, I’ll come back and it’ll all be alright. You’ll never read this letter and this secret can live with me, as will you.
I started writing this at 10, it’s 3 am now. I should probably get some sleep, you’ll be here soon and I’m about to have the best day with you. It’ll all go well, I’m sure of it.
You’re my everything. I love you. I hope you can find happiness after me… I couldn’t bear to leave you to a life of sadness…
Forever yours,
Alex
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The man folded the piece of parchment, sealed it in a letter and stood up from his desk. “That should be the last of them. I hope Tataru’s not a deep sleeper.” The creaking of the large door rang down the hallway, he only hoped he wouldn’t disturb anyone’s rest. As he made his way to Tataru’s room, he noticed light seeping through under the cracks of far more doors than should be normal around these late hours. “Guess I’m not the only one who has better things than sleep to keep them occupied.” the man thought to himself. As he finally reached his destination, a lump formed in the back of his throat. Tataru has always been the most kind and understanding with him, but this is asking far more than he ever has. Feeling anxiety taking him over, he quickly knocked on the door before he could convince himself otherwise. To his surprise, the light turned on and small patting of feet made their way towards the door. “Whatever it is, couldn’t it wait ‘till the morni- oh, Alexander! Come on in.” The lalafell rubbed her eyes while she gestured for him to enter. “I’m sorry to disturb you during such late hours, I just…” the man’s eyes darted everywhere before finally landing locked with a pair of violets “there’s something I must ask of you”.
.
.
.
“And you are quite sure about this? It’s a nice thought of course but…” she sighed “don’t even put ideas about that in my head. All of you will return safely and that’s that!” As she took the letters from his hands, her face quickly changed form to something Alexander had never seen before. “I won’t open them or let anyone see them until…” her gaze slowly met with a pair of blue and orange. “But promise me you will come back, please? I couldn’t bear to ever have to give these out to anyone but you upon your return.” The man chuckled as a defeated smile appeared on his face. “You know I can’t make such promises, but I do promise you that I’ll try to save everyone.” “Everyone, yourself included!” she pointed at the man as she spoke. “Thank you Tataru.” Alexander’s hand stopped on the door handle. “And one more thing.” he said as he turned to face his friend. “You couldn’t possibly ask me for more!” she retorted. “ Please take care of Rou in my absence. I’m not sure how he’ll react when he’ll hear where I’ve gone.” Tataru’s face froze, “So you’re not going to tell him after all… But isn’t he coming tomorrow?” A smile crept its way to Alex’s face. “You know me too well.” he let out a sigh. “I want my last day with him to be a good one.. Please just… take care of him for me?” She saw a desperation in the man’s eyes she had never seen before. “I’ll try.” she responded. “Thank you.” he smiled, and with that he was gone, filling the room once more with silence. Tataru looked down at the letters in her hands and sighed. “Even I can’t talk you out of this, can I?”
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“Goodbye, I love you.”
Still feeling their kiss on his lips, the scene replayed in his mind again and again. “What if that was our last- no” he stopped himself. Things won’t end here, it’ll go just as it usually does, he’ll manage. The past couple weeks proved the man was lying to himself, he hasn’t been managing at all, but then again, that is exactly why he was doing this, that he and everyone else can finally live in safety and peace again, knowing their star and their loved ones are safe.
“We’re about to leave the atmosphere and start the hyper-hopper engine! I’d go near the windows if I were you” Mappingway’s voice chimed through the ship’s speakers. Everyone made their way to the front of the ship just in time to witness the clouds disappearing around them, only to be filled with thousands of lights flickering amongst a deep dark sea. It was everything and much more than what Alexander was hoping to see, it was mesmerising, the tiny lights dancing in front of his eyes, it was like he was in one of the fairy tales his mother described before bedtime. He often wondered if she saw into his future to pluck these stories from, somehow always matching his journey. As he stood there, his mind wandered to someone else though. “I wish you were here right now” He wanted nothing more than to be able to show this magical sight to Rowan. He can’t, of course he can’t. He couldn’t risk the other man ending up hurt due to running after him.
.
.
.
“We’re slowly nearing our destination, everyone please prepare for, well, anything!” Sleepingway’s voice echoed through the halls of the Ragnarok. “Oh, we really must be getting close for him to have woken up” Alisaie chuckled. The voices around him pulled the miqo’te out of his thoughts, something he was quite thankful for. As they made their way to the middle of the ship, everything went dark. He froze up once he saw Meteion, and he soon found himself gasping for air. He had to do something but his body wouldn’t obey his commands. He faced a similar powerlessness in Garlemald just days prior, he couldn’t be this weak, could he? Meteion’s words drove his sight towards the feathered child. “You approach the bounds of my Ultimatum, where emotions dictate reality. Where resignation and acceptance unite to embrace the end. Where those who yet valiantly cling to life cannot thrive.” He wondered what those words meant as he saw Thancred stumble his way towards the dark figure and pull out his gunblade when-
Everything went black.
Once he awoke he took notice of Thancred missing, that fact coupled with their surroundings helped set his mind at ease that it was a good idea to leave Rowan behind after all…
He stepped outside the ship with the others to the surface of the dead star in search of their lost comrade, though Alex wondered what else they might find on their search instead.
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As he lay there, at the edge of the universe, he can’t help but listen to the other man lying only a few yalms from him. “What of you, my mirror? Born into this world, bestowed name, bid to seek out strife and adventure… Was this life a gift…or a burden?”
Memories from his journey raced through his mind. Familiar places, faces of friends and foes, love and loss. “Heh…a bit of both, I guess.” he thought to himself.
“Did you find…fulfilment?”
He closed his eyes and in the darkness he saw dark hair with shades of dirty blonde and a pair of blue eyes looking back at him, he smiled. “...I have, …I did find fulfilment. I would’ve preferred at least sixty or more years with him…but…I always knew it was gonna end one way or another. I’m glad my end could come, having finally experienced his love.”
“I…”
He heard as the other man drew his last breath, something he’s been looking forward to for a long time now, but as he lay there, he felt no accomplishment, no anger or malice, he just found himself thinking back to his partner again.
“I wish I could tell you this myself but…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was headed, I do hope you can forgive me one day…my love”
As he lay there, he finally felt the pull of sleep catching up to him, eyes growing heavy, he closed them one last time. His work is done, the star is saved, he can finally rest now.