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Luca watches as Shu smiles and tucks his hair shyly behind his ears. He always found that cute and he has the urge to pull him closer. Shu’s laugh was infectious and he can probably listen to it forever. While the ravenette has always been more of a listener himself, Luca actually found his random mumblings adorable. He loves the way Shu’s face lit up whenever he talks about things that interest him.
Even now when the autumns leaves were scattered across the street, he listens to Shu’s ramble about the outing they were planning. How he was looking forward to going to an onsen in the snowy mountains of Hokkaido and cheekily looking up with the not so innocent face which always tugs at Luca’s heart strings.
So beautiful.
Luca smiles softly as they continue to walk. Autumn season was Shu’s favorite and it was one of the rare instances that Shu would voluntarily touch grass. Luca cherishes these moments and knowing Shu was having fun was enough to bring another smile on his face. There was always something magical about autumn that Luca couldn’t quite put his finger on, but maybe it’s just being with Shu that makes it magical.
It’s like a scene out of a romance anime and as cliché as it sounds, Luca would do it over and over again if it means seeing Shu happy.
Luca looks over at Shu, his eyes unable to keep them away from the beautiful man in front of him. He could see the warm flush on Shu’s face from the cold, his lips surprisingly still plump, probably from the ChapStick he put on before heading out, most likely from the kisses he got before they left the house.
Shu looks back with a wide smile on his face, a sheepish grin forms its way as he catches himself rambling and Luca feels his breath stop for a moment. Shu just looks so happy, the smile reaching up to his ears was one that he hasn’t seen for a long time.
“I love you” Shu mouths the words happily.
Luca’s eyes chases those words from Shu’s lips and looks down, his heart beating a thousand miles. It takes him a moment to compose himself, the word repeating over and over again.
“Mmmh, but I love you more.”
He lets the words sink in and he stands frozen for a while, not daring to look up, too scared to face reality. Because once he does, the illusion will shatter, once he looks up he knows Shu will no longer be looking back.
Because now Shu’s holding the hand of another man and looking as in love as he did years ago when it used to be Luca’s name he would whisper like a vow. When it used to be them who would walk around on an early autumn day just because Shu wanted to feel the crunch of dried up leaves as he steps on them and when it was him that brought that beautiful smile on Shu’s face whenever he indulges him on his ramblings.
But it’s been years since then and he knows he no longer has the right to have Shu look at him that way.
He stops in his tracks and watches as Shu’s silhouette slowly fade away from his gaze. And just like he anticipated, the illusion shatters, the make-believe that it was still him next to Shu shatters just like how he crushed Shu’s heart all those years ago.
Before he dared to take another step forward, he looks up and locks eyes with the man who now gets the privilege to be loved by Shu, a knowing look on his face.
In another life he and Luca would have been the best of friends, he would have probably been his best man, but now there’s been too much history between them. He doesn’t say a word, doesn’t look Luca at contempt, he just nods his head and acknowledgement and turns his back as he jogs up to Shu who was a few meters away, his hands enveloping the other’s in a warm hold and Shu hums to himself but he doesn’t look back. He tangles their fingers together in content and continues their stroll.
Luca watches them disappear from his view and turns around; he promises himself this will be the last time.
Shu is happy and that’s all that matters. He deserved to find happiness after everything he went through. Luca only wishes that this man treats Shu better than he ever did. Because Luca no longer has the right to envelop him in his warmth, he no longer has the right to look into his eyes and say the words he always wanted to say but never did.
He no longer has the right to wipe Shu’s tears away. He no longer has the right to stay by his side. He no longer has the right to utter Shu’s name in that desperate way he knows even Shu can’t resist. Because he had all the chance in the world, he used to have all the time in the world. And in exchange, Shu only needed that one confirmation, that one assurance, that one admission and yet, Luca couldn’t give it to him. Even though Luca knows how much those three words meant to Shu.
He didn’t want to hurt Shu by making half-assed promises just because he was indecisive but his fears were for nothing because he ended up hurting him regardless.
Maybe in another lifetime he can make things right. Maybe in another lifetime he can finally be the man that can stand besides Shu, proudly holding his hands and not wavering in his affections. Maybe in another lifetime he’ll have the courage to love Shu the way Shu loved him before. Loyal, fierce and unwavering, until Luca pushed him away.
If only he was strong enough to love Shu then the way he finally realized how much he loves him now.