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Kelley felt her body tense as soon as she stepped out of the cab. She looked around and shivered as the crisp air greeted her.
Seattle was beautiful in the fall, she had to admit. With people walking around with scarves and Starbucks in hand and the leaves turning a deep orange, this was the perfect autumn day.
Normally, she’d be excited about a cozy fall environment, but as she walked down the street, she dreaded the next few days.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise to her, really. She had been dreading this victory tour match ever since it was announced. Brazil would be challenging, but she felt alright. All the work they would do from here on out was to help prepare the team for the Olympics.
But Kelley knew deep down that the uneasiness settling within her wasn’t because of Brazil. It was because they were playing in Seattle.
Hope’s city.
It seemed that wherever she looked, there Hope was too. Kelley knew that the media was going to focus in on her. She, along with Pinoe, were Seattle’s most prized possessions when it came to women’s soccer. They couldn’t help but use them as a major promotional advantage. Kelley knew this would be great for the growth of the game in the Pacific Northwest, but a part of her also wished they hadn’t chosen Seattle.
Simply because Kelley couldn’t bear the fact that Hope was playing in her hometown- a place that was so familiar to her and included all her friends and family.
And being in this city only reminded Kelley of how this wasn’t her life.
This was Hope’s life.
A life she wasn’t willing to share with Kelley.
She had made that very clear by suddenly ending whatever was going on between them as soon as they arrived home from London. It was quite a mess. Hope cut things off without very good communication, leaving Kelley in the dark and completely heartbroken. Kelley tried everything she could to salvage them, but Hope wouldn’t have any of it. No matter how many times Kelley attempted to start a conversation, Hope would shut it down or it would end with harsh words.
Kelley finally reached the team hotel. The entire team and staff were supposed to reconvene there that afternoon to go over the logistics for the weekend. It wasn’t like she couldn’t be around Hope- she had survived the whole victory tour thus far. For all the other matches, she didn’t have to think much about their relationship (or rather how things ended). But with Seattle came a lot of Hope and that meant she was forced to think about her whether she liked it or not.
The team had a general idea of how things ended between Hope and Kelley simply because they were around them so much and witnessed their every moment together. Some tried to stay out of it while others couldn’t help but put their two cents in.
Of course, there were her close friends on the team who would be on her side no matter what- people like Alex, Tobin, Ashlyn, and even Christen. The majority of the team sympathized with Kelley, not being able to imagine what it felt like to be suddenly rejected by someone you had grown very close to and thought you could trust. Other people, most veterans like Christie and Abby, had warned Kelley beforehand about Hope since they were more familiar with her impulsive and blunt behavior. They had a feeling this was how things would end up- that Kelley would be blindsided, resulting in her putting way more into the relationship than Hope. With this being said, they hated seeing the lively personality of their younger teammate simmer down, causing an obvious imbalance on the team.
About half of the team were already in the room when Kelley arrived. As much as they tried to hide it, Kelley knew they were being extra careful around her- as if she was a fragile piece of glass. The room had gotten a tad quieter and whispering started to occur. It was pretty obvious that they were acting strange, but Kelley chose to ignore their reaction and act like nothing was wrong.
Even though she was breaking inside.
Kelley grinned and walked over to her friends, striking up a couple conversations here and there. She enjoyed being with her teammates- plus, soccer was a great stress reliever and took her mind off of things. She was doing pretty well until the other half of the team arrived.
The other half that included Hope.
Kelley could feel the eyes of many of her teammates drift towards her. Christie, who was currently beside her, gave her a small reassuring side hug- although Christie had warned her about Hope’s tendencies and track record, she treated Kelley like another daughter. They had the chance to grow close since they played on Sky Blue together, giving Kelley amply opportunity to vent and share her feelings.
At first, Kelley looked away, preferring the least amount of contact as possible. But she realized how stupid that actually was given that there was no way of completely avoiding each other, so she looked back up, instantly locking eyes with the taller woman.
Hope’s blue eyes stared straight through her and before it became extremely awkward, Hope let out a soft smile and nodded.
Kelley looked away again.
There was no way she was just going to let Hope smile like that- like everything was alright. Kelley still wasn’t ready to forgive her for essentially tearing down Kelley’s quick trust for people and faith in love.
Luckily, the meeting ended early. Everyone had talked about strolling downtown for the remainder of the evening, but Kelley refused knowing she needed as much time alone as possible. She even discussed with Jill to allow her to stay with some old college friends rather than at the team hotel. She loved her friends on the team, but she knew that the only thing they would want to discuss was Hope related. She’d deal with enough of that the next day, especially during open practice, so she stood her ground and left the hotel alone.
Counting down the minutes until she could leave Seattle.
-
The following morning, Kelley arrived early for team breakfast. The less people she had to eat with, the less of a chance she would have to talk. She grabbed her plate of food and sat at a table alone. Not long after, Alex and Christie joined her, which she didn’t really mind. They knew more than most people, so she wouldn’t have to do much explaining.
After some small talk, Alex nudged her friend, “How are you doing? I know not to push you, so it’s fine if you don’t want to share…but I’m worried about you, Kelley.”
“I’ll be okay.” Kelley mumbled softly.
Christie sighed, “It’s okay not to be okay, you know? This whole weekend is going to be Hope this, Hope that…so if you need someone to talk to, we’re here.”
Kelley weakly smiled at her two friends and thanked them, “I know…I appreciate you guys for listening to me, and knowing when I need my space. You’re right- this is going to be a tough match for me. This is the one time I don’t want a start for a game…”
“Don’t let this get in the way of the game, Kell…you know how important it is to keep these two things separate.” Christie reprimanded, knowing how valuable Kelley was to the team.
Kelley looked down and played with her food. She sighed, “It’s just…so hard. I hate this.”
Knowing that her friend was close to tears, Alex put a hand on her shoulder for comfort. “You’ll make it through this, I promise you. It may take a while and this isn’t helping, but at least you don’t have to visit here often.”
The three teammates sat in silence. The rest of their team began to trickle in, causing Kelley to panic a slight bit. She needed to leave soon if she was going to keep up avoiding Hope. She got up to leave when Christie quickly stopped her.
“Wait, Kell…I hate to bring this up, but I think you should know this. I think Hope is going to approach you sometime this weekend…it’s just in her nature to do so. I don’t know how you feel about that, but if you need me to put a stop to things…”
“Thanks, Christie. I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”
Kelley left before the room got crowded and waited patiently in the lobby. Eventually, the vans were packed and they were ready to head to open practice. She waited on the side for everyone to get in, purposely choosing the van that Hope didn’t. Once settled in her seat, she put her headphones in, hoping the music would drown her thoughts and make time go faster.
-
It’s finally game day.
Leaning her head against the window of their bus, Kelley felt her phone buzz in her pocket for the third time that ride. She usually challenged herself to stay off her phone to get her in the proper mindset for each game, but she couldn’t ignore the buzzing anymore and fished the device out of her pants.
She almost dropped her phone when she saw what was plastered on her screen.
Hope Solo
iMessage (3)
Not being to help herself, Kelley sighed and slid her thumb across the screen to read the messages.
Hope Solo: Hey- can we talk sometime before the game?
Hope Solo: Kell? Please.
Hope Solo: Kelley, we really need to talk.
Kelley felt herself get worked up, so she shoved her phone into her bag, completely ignoring the texts. What did Hope need to talk about? What was there to talk about? From their track record of conversations, Kelley knew for a fact that Hope didn’t deserve her time of day.
Word came that she was part of the starting eleven, and although that wasn’t exactly what she wanted, Kelley knew she needed to focus on the game- and she Hope would too. She was actually getting pretty pumped for the game, feeling herself loosen up a bit. She played DJ in the locker room and allowed herself to laugh for the first time that weekend. God bless her love for soccer.
After warming up on the field, the team headed back to change into their game day kits. Everything was going fine until Kelley realized she had forgotten her jacket in the locker room. She quickly ran back.
“Looking for this?”
Hope was standing in the middle of the locker room, holding up a blue jacket. Kelley was surprised by the taller woman’s presence. She was stunned by everything about her- her stature, her eyes, her voice.
“Uh, yeah…thanks.” Kelley managed to get out as she reached for her jacket.
“Hey, for the record, I didn’t steal it so we’d end up alone together. I forgot mine too and noticed yours laying here…” Hope tried explaining herself.
Kelley nodded, without saying a word. She turned around, ready to leave, but had a feeling this wouldn’t be the end of it- and she was right.
“Wait, Kell.”
Kelley froze and closed her eyes. She sighed, “Is me ignoring your texts not a clear enough message for you?”
“We need to talk.”
Kelley took a deep breath and faced the older woman, “What is there to talk about?”
“Are you okay?”
Kelley chuckled, “Really? That’s what you’re going to ask me?”
“Kelley, please don’t make this harder than it is for me.”
“For you?!” Kelley raised her voice, not believing what Hope had just said. “From what I remember, I was the one left in the dark! You have no idea what you’ve done to me.”
“Kelley, stop it! Why do you have to bring that up every time? I know I hurt you. And I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. I just…I hate that I did that to you, but you have to let it go!”
“And you have to let me go!” Kelley retorted.
“Look, I just wanted to check in. Is that so wrong?” Hope pleaded softly.
“Please, let’s not do this tonight.”
“But I want to…I need to.”
“Not now, Hope…just drop it.” Kelley ran back into the tunnel, leaving Hope without another word.
The game began and Brazil scored within the first three minutes. It was sort of a shock to everyone, but they knew they had the rest of the game to pick themselves back up. They just needed to warm up and focus.
But that never really happened.
Because the tension on the field- not between their team and Brazil, but rather their own players- was too much to handle. Too much to ignore.
Kelley cursed for the tenth time as she saw Hope kick the ball towards Pinoe. Whenever Hope had the ball, she sent it down the left side of the field, as far away from Kelley. Most of their plays started on the left side, but obviously that hadn’t been working. With five minutes left until the end of the first half and them down a goal, Kelley thought Hope would’ve changed it up. Jill even pulled her aside to get the word out on the field that they might need to improvise and find the perfect holes to score.
Kelley put her hands up in the air and glared at Hope, who remained stoic. She was open- everyone knew she was open and ready for the ball, and yet nothing came her way. The game wasn’t fun anymore- she was so over it.
The referee finally blew the whistle and Kelley was one of the first to jog off the field. She needed to let out some steam before they had their halftime meeting.
But that never happened.
Kelley blew up the moment the goalkeeper stepped into the locker room.
“What the hell was that?!”
Hope stared her down, “Leave me alone, Kelley.”
“No. Why didn’t you kick the ball to me?! I was wide open!”
“I was just going by the plays.”
“Oh bullshit, Hope!” Kelley rushed up to the taller woman, about ready to yell in her face. “You’ve directed us not according to play before! What made tonight any different?!”
“You don’t get a say in what I do in the goal.”
Kelley’s eyes widened, “For fuck’s sake, yes I do! We’re a team.”
“Just cool it, Kelley.”
Most of the team had stayed quiet through their encounter, but Carli spoke up, “Kelley, I think you just need to calm down…”
“Stay out of it, Carli. You know she’s in the wrong.”
“Drop it.” Hope glared.
Kelley started to nod in understanding and snickered, “Oh, I see what’s going on…you’re pissed at me, aren’t you? You’re pissed because I didn’t let you talk earlier, huh?!”
Carli frowned and looked at a few of her teammates. No one knew they had talked before the game. Now it was Hope’s turn to look away in silence.
“That’s it, isn’t it?! Grow the hell up, Hope! You’re going to cost us the game!” Kelley exclaimed.
“Well maybe you’re the one who needs to grow up. We could’ve had a conversation about…”
“No, don’t even go there. I’ve given you so many chances and now-”
Abby had just walked in on her two teammates fighting and quickly broke them up, “Hey! What’s going on here?”
Hope folded her arms and Kelley tried to get her breathing back to normal. Abby pried, “Does anyone want to tell me what’s going on?”
Becky chimed in, “The tension between these two on the field is ridiculous.”
“Really, guys? You brought it to the field?” Abby sighed in disappointment.
“Look, Hope’s just upset that I won’t talk to her, which is my right honestly-”
“Hey! Don’t pin this all on me- I wanted a nice and simple conversation, that’s all.”
“There’s nothing simple about us!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…look, you two need to pull your shit together for the second half. This game is only going to get more interesting and we need to be on our toes, you hear?” Abby advised her two younger games.
“I just want to get this over done with.” Kelley sighed heavily and stormed out of the room, needing some fresh air.
Hope watched Kelley vanish for the hundredth time, becoming more and more aware of the damage she had done to the young defender.
-
The second half was more or less better than the first. They eventually scored a late goal, and thank goodness they did. Not only did they preserve their winning streak, but they also scored that goal for Boxxy.
As they honored Boxxy, Kelley did her best to suppress her own issues deep down. This game was for her retiring teammate and she wanted to honor that as much as possible. She stood close as the tribute video played, making sure her teammate received all the attention she deserved.
But once that video was over- Kelley was brought back to reality.
The team walked around the field and in her peripheral vision, she saw a red kit begin to approach her. She sighed, knowing what was about to happen next.
Kelley reached out until her hand found its place in Hope’s, and she inhaled deeply.
That’s how they ended most games together lately. A quick touch, nothing more. Before they’d run and leap into each other’s arms or simply hug each other tight, since God knows Kelley was awful at keeping her hands to herself. But nowadays, it was a quick touch- without eye contact or much facial expression.
And though it was a small gesture, Kelley’s heart broke over and over again. The slightest touch of Hope reminded her of everything they had shared together- everything they once were.
And what they were not anymore.
Kelley waved to the fans with a small smile on her face. She clearly wasn’t happy and everyone knew it. So she thought it was best to head into the tunnel early, only signing a few things for fans as she headed back. Normally she was much peppier, but tonight, she wasn’t up for it. Quickly packing her things, she felt a few tears roll down her face. Before anyone could notice, she had left the stadium.
-
The team arrived at Sea-Tac airport bright and early the next morning.
Kelley had a rough night, so she was especially grateful for her college friends allowing her to stay with them this time around. Everyone looked pretty tired, and desperate to find coffee before they reached their terminal. No one said much to neither Hope nor Kelley, knowing the tension was still quite evident between the two.
Although they were pros at staying mad at each other, Hope couldn’t help but glance over at Kelley multiple times as they walked through the airport. The normally spirited younger woman looked exhausted and completely distraught.
It took everything in Hope to refrain herself from going up to her.
But it also took everything in Hope to get over herself and confront the freckled face once more.
Looking around to make sure no one was watching, Hope quietly approached Kelley, who was sitting quietly in the corner at their gate.
“You’ve been crying, haven’t you?” Hope spoke softly.
Kelley’s dulled eyes looked up at her, “Is it that obvious?”
Hope sat down next to her and shook her head, “No…well I mean, you don’t look the greatest, but I’m probably one of the few on this team who can tell if you’re truly upset- and unfortunately, I know that because I’m the reason for it.”
Kelley sighed and played with the drawstring on her hoodie.
Hope pleaded softly, “Kell, please look at me.”
“What do you want from me, Hope? I…I just don’t understand you.”
“I need to make sure you’re okay.”
“Why? That’s not your job.”
“I know…but I just feel like I have to.”
“Well, I’m not alright. I don’t know if I’ll ever be again…” Kelley replied honestly.
“I still care about you.”
“See? Why do you say things like that? You can’t just go around saying that and not expect me to…” Kelley’s voice trailed off.
“To what?”
“To fall for you again…” Kelley took a deep breath and explained, “Hope, I don’t think you know how serious our relationship was to me…it was never just a one-time fling. I thought that what we had was real.”
“It was.”
“But not real enough, huh?”
Hope shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“As much as I want to hate you, I can’t…I mean, I do, but I just…there’s just something about you that makes everything around me a blur.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing…”
“I know how hard it must be for you…to see me play in front of my friends, my family…Jerramy.”
Kelley winced, “Please stop talking. I don’t need to hear how you chose them over me.”
“It’s not like that!”
“Then what?!”
“I…I don’t know.”
“Jesus Christ, Hope…that’s not a reason!”
“Can’t we just look past this? I miss all the good times I know we’re capable of having together.”
“Those are memories now.”
“They don’t have to be...I don’t want them to be.”
Kelley was getting mixed messages and sensed herself getting upset. “Can you leave me alone now? Was that enough for you?”
“Well, I…”
“We’re not getting anywhere, Hope. Only time can heal us.”
“It doesn’t have to be this way.”
“But it is. You made it this way.”
“Kelley…”
“Maybe next time, you should think before you let things slip out of your reach…because I’m far gone now, Hope. There’s no coming back from this.”
Hope looked at Kelley’s lifeless stature as she just stared ahead, ready to fly to Orlando- ready to move on. Sensing that the rest of the team were eyeing the two alone, Hope slowly got up and left. She didn’t need Christie or Alex or anyone else to remind her how different Kelley was- how broken she had become.
It finally hit Hope that Kelley was never going to be the same.
They were never going to be the same.
And just like Kelley, Hope desperately needed to get out of Seattle.