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Remus didn't want to die yesterday, but now within his aching bones, he had never wished for something more than death.
Maybe it was the absconse of Padfoot by his side and the tang of something metallic on his tongue. He didn't want to think it was blood, but what else spiked the unwanted familiarity in his chest?
So, Remus was found curled into a ball and sobbing with his face squished into his knees, rocking back and forth like a drug addict during withdrawal. Thinking this, he was reminded of Lily telling him off for smoking. This was what he'd become, then — a boy with no sanity; a boy who was more of a monster than a boy at all.
When Madam Pomfrey found him, she had nearly dropped to her knees and sobbed too. Due to her professionalism, she seemed to pull herself back from such an emotional display. "Remus," she murmured gently, coming over to pry Remus's hands away from where they scratched at his skin, nails dug in firmly. "Don't do this to yourself, lovely boy. You don't deserve this, dear, I know, I know." She sounded heartbroken for him.
"I'm sorry," Remus choked out. "I've done it now, haven't I? I've bitten somebody, because I'm a bloody dangerous werewolf, and now the school is going to expel me. Well, if they don't kill me first."
"Oh Remus," Madam Pomfrey cried out, aghast. "Don't say such things! You've done nothing wrong, you poor dear. I've gotten you a blanket and some warm tea in my wards. Come along now, stop suffocating yourself with such merciless thoughts!"
Yet Remus groaned when Madam Pomfrey tried to hoist him up, even with her careful touch. "Make it stop," he grunted. He hoped it wasn't a broken hip he was feeling. "Make it stop."
Immediately, Madam Pomfrey took out a vial and passed it to him. "Drink this," she supplied.
Remus didn't question her, gratefully tipping the contents of the vial into his mouth. There was almost an instant boost of energy, enough for him to support most of his weight, and to dull the other pains banging on in his body.
"What happened?" He finally managed to ask, sweating as Madam Pomfrey escorted him out of the shack.
"I'm sure you'll hear it from Minerva soon enough, sweetheart. For now, please just rest. It's hardly something so important to cast worry on so early. You deserve some peace and quiet and time to heal."
"I don't want to continue with solitary confinement," Remus found himself suddenly telling her. "It's awful. I want other options- just, please. I know I'm dangerous, but I hate the shack. Everyone calls it the Shrieking Shack because of me. Please, I want another option."
Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips in a way that told Remus she didn't have any other options to offer him. "I'm so sorry, Remus." She bent down and kissed the top of his head. "No kid deserves this, but you are so brave dealing with it all. Promise me, Remus, that you will live on and live a great life at that."
Remus raised his gaze to meet hers. For a moment, there was silence, before he was nodding. Because he quite liked the thought of living on, despite the fear that cut through him too. He wanted to live on — not just for Sirius, for James, for Peter — but for himself as well.
"Good," Madam Pomfrey said, voice firm. She lowered Remus onto the patients' bed. "I'll be back with more healing potions. Lie here and scream for me if you need." With that, she hurried off, not wasting even the littlest of time. Remus smiled at her rushing form. He admired her wholly, and for everything she had done, he only became more grateful.
Often, Remus would start jotting down things in his journal after a full moon, ever since Sirius had given him a pretty black journal magicked to spell out 'Anything for our Moony' whenever he'd whisper the spell to open the book. Of course, the journal had been made so it looked blank, though really there was a lot of writing in there — you just had to know the right spell. Remus made sure nobody would ever know it.
Sighing, Remus supposed it wouldn't hurt to begin journaling as he laid there with nothing to do. Carefully, he whispered the secret spell, and peeled open the pages, watching with satisfaction as its blank white pages shimmered and slowly ink filled its emptiness.
5th Year; 3rd Full Moon
And he began to write.
Since my friends became Animagus, it's been easier. Less scarring. I was worried tonight, because they didn't tell me, but tested it out anyway.
I think I bit somebody, or something.
I told them to stay away, but they didn't and now... now I have no idea what's happened. Madam Pomfrey reckons Minnie will tell me. I just hope I haven't lost my friends, and I think I'm very lucky the situation doesn't seem too bad, seeing as Dumbledore hasn't come in personally to finally expel me.
I'm a werewolf, for Merlin's sake. And only Sirius, James, and Peter know.
Speaking of Sirius, I hate him so much it's making me think he's lovely. That's what I called him yesterday. I'm going crazy.
I'm not stupid. I know I'm a fucking queer.
I just really hope it's not Sirius Black I'm fancying.
Besides, I've done something now. I can taste the blood at the back of my throat. It's... frightening. Seems fitting to be the most cowardly when I'm the most likely to be a killer out of my friends, doesn't it? I probably already am a killer. I'm already enough of a monster to be one.
I've asked Madam Pomfrey to put me somewhere other than the Shack, but it seems I have no other options.
I hate the place. Like crying out in empty rooms; with no-one there except the moon.
But I guess now that's changed? We'll see if my stupid friends haven't gone and gotten themselves hurt because of me... it'll be my fault, then.
It already feels like it's all my fault.
Remus stopped then, quill poised in position. He was unsure what to write next. It seemed he didn't need to though, because it was just then that Sirius pushed aside the curtains and raced across to Remus's bedded self.
"Remus!" Sirius cried out.
Remus immediately shut his book closed, knowing the pages would turn back into their blank state. "Sirius."
Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank Merlin, you're okay. Moony, you're okay!" He began laughing, Remus imagining light filling the room at the lovely sound of it.
"Yes, I am," Remus murmured, slightly amused. He frowned. "Sirius, did something happen?"
Sirius stopped laughing, lips dropping their smile. "It's nothing bad, Moony, promise."
"Tell me tomorrow?" Remus asked softly, noting the fact that Sirius didn't seem like he wanted to do much explaining currently.
"Yeah," Sirius chirped in reply, smiling in return.
"Well, if that's all you come to say... or are you planning to give me a goodnight's kiss as well?"
Sirius's cheeks burned red in an admittedly adorable way. Remus couldn't help it sometimes; he was falling for Sirius Black, very painfully and frustratingly and- and beautifully. Sirius Black was beautiful.
"Moony," Sirius whined. He shuffled on the spot, looking surprisingly awkward for a boy who was always confidently and outwardly unapologetic, at least most of the time. "I just wanted to see you," he whispered at last, like it was a sin to want something so simple and innocent.
"Alright, Sirius," Remus sighed. He smiled despite himself. "Do you want to sleep here? Poppy- I mean, Pomfrey might be here soon. She did say she had to go get some vials for me."
Sirius blinked at Remus for a few seconds achingly long, before responding cheekily with a, "in favour of getting the great Madam Pomfrey mad? Of course I'll sleep with you, Moony."
Remus pretended the words didn't sound suggestively like something else. "Alright," he just sighed again, moving to the side as to make room for Sirius.
"Tell me a cool story, Moony," Sirius mumbled into the darkness of their curtained space when he shuffled in.
"Okay," Remus said, and with some caution, he told Sirius the story of Achilles and Patroclus, his latest subject of reading.
And when Sirius leaned in to kiss Remus's temple after with an explanation of it being his 'goodnight's kiss,' Remus couldn't hide the fondness of his gaze, or the tears that pooled his eyes. He felt luck was on his side when Sirius was too busy with his own brain to notice.