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November 11
Cold rain soaked through Yuna’s hair and ran down her cheeks instead of the tears she knew she should be crying. Instead of weeping and begging for forgiveness, she looked up at Seungmin standing silhouetted in the golden light of the open door. Her heart hammered in her throat because he couldn’t really mean it.
But she stood in the freezing rain as it bled through her sweater and chilled her bones. Seungmin held out his hand expectantly, still under the overhang, protected from the rain. Yuna could grasp the hand. It wasn’t too late to cry. It wasn’t too late.
She opened her mouth to say something to make it better. I’m sorry maybe. Or I love you.
“I didn’t know you were keeping count.”
**~**
2 Years Ago, April 30
Thunder rumbled in the distance, but no one else seemed to notice. They fussed over the decorations and the flowers and calling the caterers and finding Yuna’s shoes.
Yuna tried to tell her mother about the storm, but she waved it off saying, “Indoor wedding. Doesn’t matter.”
The mirror told Yuna she looked beautiful. The driving rain outside the windows told her to run. Nobody gets married in a storm. Yuna wouldn't call herself superstitious, but it had to be a bad omen.
In the end, Yuna did not run. She’d put this off for as long as she could and Seungmin would be good for her. Everyone said so. He was kind enough. Successful enough. Everyone liked him. He liked Yuna enough to want to marry her.
She liked Seungmin. Seungmin was pleasant to be around, easy on the eyes, always held the door and brought her flowers. She liked him.
Lightning struck outside the chapel while Yuna dragged her feet down the aisle.
**~**
1 Year Ago, September 17
Starry eyes, freckles, the sweetest smile. His nametag said ‘Felix’ and his posture said ‘Good Boy’. He held the door for Yuna without giving her a second glance.
She ignored him for most of the dinner party. Forgot him between tiny bites and polite small talk and sips of over-sweet champagne.
Seungmin spoke in legal terms he never defined for Yuna. His friends thought he was clever and Yuna wished she didn't have to smile and nod and pretend to understand her husband.
She would give back every penny of her weekly allowance if he would just… know her. Or try to. If he would speak with her and listen.
The clock ticked down to the single long restroom break Yuna allowed herself at these events. As soon as it felt appropriate, she excused herself. Her husband didn't seem to notice. She wondered if he ever noticed her absence.
Before she reached the powder room, a server backed into her, but managed not to spill the drinks on his tray.
Blond hair, freckles, big brown eyes looking into her, not through her. "Apologies, Miss." He meant it, voice rich and deep and subtly accented. Like he meant to hide his differences and blend in with the crowd. As if he ever could. As if the sun could pretend to be a cloud in the sky. Impossible.
Yuna folded her hands together with her own apology. "I should have been paying attention." She didn't correct him. She didn't tell him Mrs, not Miss. She found something thrilling in the idea of dissattachment.
His name tag said 'Felix' and she wondered about his life. She wondered if he was lonely. Maybe he wanted a friend too.
**~**
2 Years Ago, June 3
Summer rain tapped on the windows, begging entrance to the big, beautiful house where Yuna spent most of her time alone. She watched it run down the glass from her favorite seat in the informal dining room.
Her husband was supposed to be home. He got a call and had to work late. He wished he could be home. He would take her out this weekend on the boat. She liked the lake, didn’t she? She’d be happy on the boat.
Yuna scoffed at the rain out the window. She would be lonely on the boat. Just like here. Just like always. Lonely.
She pretended to be asleep when Seungmin opened their bedroom door. It was too early to be asleep, but he moved carefully so he wouldn’t wake her.
Her throat felt hot and she wanted to cry. If she cried he might hold her, he might touch her, he might notice her. He might ask her what was the matter and she might tell him how lonely she felt. He might tell her to find some friends and she might explain that she had tried, but no one wants to be friends with a lonely wife. He might pat her head and laugh and tell her to go back to sleep. She needed her sleep so she wouldn’t overreact.
Yuna didn’t sleep, but she pretended until long after the sun set and he slipped beside her in the big bed. So big she felt lost most nights. So big she couldn’t always tell if he was next to her or not.
He didn’t say goodnight.
**~**
November 10
Sometimes Seungmin forgot he left the courthouse. Sometimes he made objections and rested his case and presented evidence to the ladies and gentlemen of the invisible jury of angels Yuna supposed would judge her.
Yuna had a headache, but she tried to pretend she didn’t.
“Where were you the night of January fifth?” Seungmin asked as though his wife were at the witness stand and not sitting across from him at the dinner table picking at her green beans and pretending not to have a headache.
“January fifth?” she repeated. “What was that? A Tuesday?” She didn’t remember January fifth.
“Friday,” Seungmin corrected, cutting his steak into tiny pieces. He always cut his meat into the tiniest pieces, as if it wouldn’t fit in his mouth otherwise. It would. Yuna felt certain he could fit the entire filet in his mouth at once if he really wanted to.
“How am I supposed to remember a Friday in January?” Yuna took a drink of water - not wine. It wasn’t a wine night.
Seungmin frowned. And despite everything, she really didn’t like it when he frowned. “It was the week after New Year's. I was at that conference in Japan.”
“I’m sure I was here.” Pretending not to have a headache. Wishing to be anywhere else. “It’s not like I have anywhere to go.”
He met her eyes like he didn’t believe her. “Where were you April twenty-ninth?”
Yuna’s breath caught in her throat at the accusation. “What are you talking about?”
“Where were you?” Seungmin set his knife down. His dark eyes pleaded with her for something, but she didn’t know what. “Where were you January fifth? February twentieth? March third? May eighteenth? June sixth? July thirteenth? August eleventh? September twenty-fifth? October tenth?” he listed, growing in emotion. “Where were you, Yuna?”
She stared at him, speechless. “What are you saying? What are you asking me?”
“Where were you April twenty-ninth?” His voice bled with sorrow that Yuna had never seen before. Never knew he could possess.
She searched for words and found none. “I didn’t know you were keeping count.”
**~**
1 Year Ago, April 30
Yuna bounced in place, unable to hold her excitement. Seungmin suggested that she choose where they spend their anniversary. He'd only blanched a little when she declared that she wanted to go to the amusement park.
It would be perfect. They would be stuck in line together most of the day and he would have to listen to her. They would have to have a conversation.
Only it didn't work like that. They spoke the same shallow, rehearsed lines as always.
"How is work?"
"New case, same circus. You know how it goes."
"But nothing you can talk about."
"I'm sorry, honey. I know you want all the interesting gossip, but I don't do those kinds of cases anyway."
"I understand."
"Are you still watching that show?"
"No, I've been going for walks while the weather is nice."
"Good. It's good to be out in the fresh air."
Circular, shallow talks. Words that meant nothing. Yuna screamed at herself to say something different, to shake them both awake.
"I think it's silly that the movies always romanticize arcades when they’re really only frustrating," she blurted.
Seungmin blinked at her and stood up from where he'd bent to insert a game token into a machine rigged to never give you any of the hanging plushies. "What?"
"Arcades," she repeated lamely, instant regret filling her stomach with weight. "They're not romantic."
Seungmin squinted at her. "You wanted to come here."
"To ride the rollercoasters." She pointed up at the twisting loops of metal rails suspended in the air. "It's a rush, you know?"
Seungmin nodded slowly, appraising her as if she were a stranger he'd never met. "Sure. It's a rush." He tilted his head. "But that's not romantic either."
"Isn't it?" Yuna looked up to watch a car of screaming people rush past over the rails. "It's exciting and it's an experience that you have together."
He didn't seem to understand. The game token he set on top of the machine stayed there. A couple not much younger held hands and fed each other pinches of cotton candy as they pointed in wonder at the rollercoasters. A seed of longing took root in Yuna's chest.
She slipped her hand into her husband's and asked for cotton candy. Seungmin obliged - he always gave her what she asked for - but didn't want to get his fingers sticky with it, and his dentist told him to cut back on sugar. So Yuna ate her own cotton candy while they stood in line for two hours for a ride that lasted forty-five seconds.
It was not romantic.
**~**
1 Year Ago, October 2
His nametag said Felix. Yuna remembered him. He did not remember Yuna.
Seungmin liked this restaurant, so they came back, just the two of them, for date night. Date night happened twice a month and consisted of going to a restaurant and not saying anything important and most times, going home and having sex that left Yuna feeling halfway between life and death.
There are many ways to kill the one you love. The slowest way is never loving them enough.
She still looked forward to the closeness with her husband. It felt like the only time he actually saw her.
Felix called her "Mrs" and Yuna thanked him for bringing their food quickly. Seungmin made small talk and told Felix about a nice place by the lake he should take his girl to.
Felix ducked his head, embarrassment on his freckled cheeks. "I don't have a girl right now."
But that couldn't be right, because Felix smiled sunshine and he saw strangers when he looked at them. His girl was lucky. Yuna had wanted to be friends with her. With both of them. They could come over to Seungmin's big fancy house and eat hors d'oeuvres and talk about things that interested them. Felix and his girl. Who must be as lovely and bright and glimmering as he was.
Seungmin laughed and patted Felix on the back. "You'll find her." As if he'd only temporarily misplaced her and might stumble upon where he accidentally left her under a couch cushion or on the bathroom sink.
Thoughts swam around in Yuna's mind and she refused to catch them and look at them closely.
Felix smiled at her - not in her general direction, actually met her eyes and smiled just for her - but she kept her thoughts swimming in shadows and reached out to touch Seungmin's hand across the table.
Seungmin smiled in her general direction.
**~**
2 Years Ago, May 20
Yuna sat on the edge of the large bed and waited for her husband. So large. Why did Seungmin need a bed this big?
He walked through the door already loosening his tie, but shuffled to a stop when he noticed her. "Everything alright, honey?"
"No," she said calmly. "Sit down, let's talk."
Seungmin sat, gentle concern on his handsome face. "What is it?" He asked. "I called an exterminator for the fruit flies."
Yuna waved that away. "No, this is important. We haven't really sat down and talked since we got married." Because Seungmin was busy. He was the best attorney, and so he was always busy. Helping people. Saving the world, probably. "I feel like I don't even know you," she laughed to lighten the mood. "We're still just strangers playing house."
Seungmin looked confused. "What do you mean?" He took her hands in his. "You're my wife, Yuna, of course we know each other."
"Well, yes," she agreed, looking at their hands, the way their fingers intertwined. "I just don't feel like we ever talk about anything real."
"Real?" He repeated, tasting the word. Then he hummed in low understanding. "I'm sorry I can't tell you about my cases. It's client privilege- just a legal thing. It's not that I don't trust you."
"I know that." Seungmin had such a handsome face. "It's not that." And he looked so concerned, so attentive, but he still didn't see her. "I don't do much, so I guess I don't mean just talking about day-to-day things." She shifted her hands so she could squeeze his and tried to position herself in his gaze so he would look at her, not through her. "I just mean that I feel lonely because even when you're here it's like you're really somewhere else."
He reached up to touch her face. "Oh, honey. You shouldn't be lonely." His gentle smile looked so handsome. Anyone would want to be married to him. Yuna was so lucky. "How about this," he pulled her into a light embrace. "We can have date nights. You like romantic gestures, right? We'll go on dates. Every other week. How does that sound?"
Yuna nodded against his shoulder, relieved. He understood. "That's perfect. That's- Thank you, Seungmin."
He kissed her when she lifted her head. Sweet and chaste and fond. "Of course. I love you, Yuna."
His loose embrace cradled her as she sank into his chest. "I love you too."
She could finally breathe. She wouldn't be lonely anymore. Her husband would take her out on dates and they could talk and laugh and fall in love.
Everything she ever wanted.
**~**
January 5
Cold winter sunshine froze Yuna's fingers through her mittens. Puffy coats bounced off of other puffy coats on the ice, clumsy and crowded.
Yuna teetered on her skates, but Felix caught her arm. The only graceful being on this ice. Jack Frost. With mirth in his sunshine smile.
"I can't believe you've never been skating before." He acted like it was some standard rite of passage she'd managed to skip.
"There are so many people," she mumbled. "I think it'd be easier to go faster."
Felix hummed. He pulled toward the middle of the rink where fewer people dared to go. He skated backward, pulling Yuna along, faster and faster.
She shrieked with glee when he let go and she flew across the ice, dodging a small child and twisting herself to a stop before she collided with the wall of people around the perimeter.
Her cheeks ached with the burden of her wide smile.
Felix patted her back and told her she was a natural. He met her eyes and seemed to see her in the way that she must be invisible to… everyone else.
**~**
March 4
"When the rain stops, we should go to the park," Yuna suggested while Seungmin adjusted his tie in the mirror.
He didn't look at her, but his eyes narrowed at his own reflection. "We have dinner reservations tonight. At your favorite."
Yuna pulled the duvet up over her knees and rested her chin on it. "The new one?" A trendy little overpriced spot. It was never Yuna's favorite. She mentioned once that they had good biscuits and Seungmin only heard her, didn't listen, so he thought that made it her favorite. She didn't bother to correct him. "That's fine. Maybe tomorrow? The rain should stop by then and there's an ice cream place…" she trailed off when disappeared into the closet for a jacket.
He hummed. "They'll have ice cream at the restaurant tonight."
Yuna sighed and rested her cheek on the knees she hugged to her chest. "I don't want ice cream, I want to see the flowers with you."
He hummed again as though he understood. "I'll make sure this trial doesn't go long. I know the judge. He'll call it so I can make it in time for dinner."
Yuna sat in bed for a long time after he left, just wishing.
At the lunch table that afternoon, a large vase of flowers waited for her. She checked the note tucked under the vase, hoping against hope.
Just her husband's scrawled signature, like flowers for his wife was a court document, just something else on the checklist. Just a cold, unfeeling scribble of ink.
Yuna sat down to eat her lunch and wished she hadn't gone to the park with Felix yesterday.
**~**
November 10
Seungmin set his hands on either side of his plate and drummed his fingers. "So you're not even going to deny it?"
"Deny what?" Yuna leaned over the table. "You haven't even told me what I did."
"Why don't you tell me what you did?" This much emotion in him looked strange and wrong and counter to everything Yuna knew about him.
"I'm not on trial." She laughed breathlessly. "And if I were, you'd have to tell me what my charges are."
He leaned forward too, but the table kept them apart. He enunciated each syllable to emphasize his case against her. "High infidelity."
**~**
May 18
Sunshine and cocktails at the crowded beach. Felix didn't have a boat. Yuna didn't care for boats anyway.
He twined his fingers through hers and squeezed, leaning over the rickety table to speak next to her ear. "When you leave him, you should keep the ring."
When. A sure thing. And maybe it was. Maybe Yuna would have to leave her husband. She couldn't keep up this awful in-between.
Only she thought she probably could. Seungmin didn't notice her. He didn't care where she went or when or with whom. Sometimes when he asked her how her day was so he could check that off his to-do list, she made up names and places that didn't exist. He didn't bat an eye. He didn't care.
"You like the ring?" Yuna watched the diamond sparkle in the sunlight. "It's expensive."
"Not to sell." Felix hung his head, ears pink and cheeks pushed up by his bashful smile. "It's so pretty, I just- I don't know." He looked away from her, out at the ocean. "Sometimes I pretend I'm the one who gave it to you."
Yuna brought their clasped hands to her lips. Felix shone like a beacon. Like a lighthouse. Guiding her to somewhere that felt more like home than Seungmin's big house ever had.
**~**
August 8
"The lock is broken," Yuna told her husband. "Could you have someone come fix it?"
Seungmin jiggled the doorknob to their bedroom. "Is it broken? How do you know?"
Yuna frowned. "I lock the door sometimes." She sat down on the bed. "When you're not here. Makes me feel safer."
A noncommittal hum from the bathroom as Seungmin removed his suit with polished precision. "Do you feel unsafe?"
Yuna exhaled sharply, exasperated. "I don't know all the housekeepers and people are around the house all the time. I just want to be able to lock the door."
Seungmin emerged from the bathroom in a coordinated pajama set. "It will be fine. Nobody ever hurts an attorney's wife. You're untouchable, honey."
And he must have meant that because he didn't touch Yuna when he crawled into the opposite side of the bed. Part of her wanted to stretch over and take his hand, just to see how he would react.
She didn't.
She wondered if Felix thought about her before he fell asleep. Instead of statistics and laws and whatever other nonsense Seungmin must think about.
**~**
November 10
"You think I'm cheating on you?" Yuna demanded. "What gives you that impression?"
Seungmin tilted his head, disappointed. "You didn't even try to hide it."
Stunned, Yuna blinked rapidly. "I didn't think you cared."
"You didn't think I cared?" Seungmin sounded angry now, another emotion she didn't know he was capable of. "You thought I wouldn't mind if my whore wife just went off with some nobody, some restaurant server? You thought I wouldn't care that you've been freeloading this whole year?"
All the air had been punched out of Yuna's stomach. "I didn't know you were keeping count," she whispered.
Seungmin sprang from his chair like he couldn't bear to be sitting anymore. "I spoke to Felix Lee today." He held up a game token from the amusement park. "Do you want to tell me where you were April twenty-ninth?"
**~**
April 29
Felix's hands cupped Yuna's face while they both laughed.
"I didn't see that loop coming." He dropped his head onto her shoulder, gasping from laughing. "I have to buy the picture."
Yuna's stomach hurt from all her laughter and her cheeks ached from smiling. "You have to," she agreed, peeking up at the display of ride photos.
Felix's face had twisted out of proportion to look like a cartoon character while Yuna in the seat next to him looked like a child on Christmas morning.
Felix bought the photo.
He swung Yuna's hand between them as she giggled and fed him cotton candy.
**~**
November 10
"Do you really want to know where I was April twenty-ninth?" Yuna asked, standing to match Seungmin's height.
He waited for her answer, daring her to tell the truth.
"I was happy, Seungmin," she said, her tragic smile betraying her. "I was happy."
**~**
November 11
Freezing rain soaked through Yuna's sweater and made her shiver, but Seungmin's outstretched hand didn't waver, demanding.
"I didn't know you were keeping count," she repeated, helpless. The cold rain ran down her cheeks instead of tears, but she wished she could cry.
Seungmin said nothing, glowing gold in the light of the doorway.
Yuna knew what he wanted. Not her hand. No. Not anymore.
The ring slid off too easily in the rain and splashed in Seungmin's palm. He closed his fingers around it and disappeared back into the house.
Yuna stood in the rain for a long moment wondering how things would have been different if she knew...
"But, oh, you were keeping count."