Work Text:
Sirius wakes up with a shed of hope that his lover returned to him during the night, that if he turned around Remus would be there, as beautiful as the first time they slept together, he might have been mumbling in his sleep, turning around, maybe fighting the wolf, but never the less, beautiful. After gathering enough courage to face the truth, he looked to his side, only to find a bed just as empty as it had been the last three months.
The last time they were together Remus was preparing himself to leave for a mission in Cardiff. That's all it was, a simple, brief, diplomatic mission to ensure Welsh werewolves were going to fight against Voldemort when needed. These trips lasted less than a month, Sirius inicial thought was that something had gone wrong, maybe Moony had found a Death Eater on his way there, but Dumbledore told him Remus mission had been successful.
After trying to mail Lupin's old cottage, the one he inherited but never went to, they lived together after all, Sirius only received a small piece of paper with a simple:
"We were childish Sirius,
We are amongst a war, we have to fight, now with James and Lily away form the order, we can't be voulnerable"
He didn't write "pads", nor "padfoot", not even "Siri", he didn't write "in love", he didn't even sign the letter. It might be overthinking, but Remus had always been careful with his words, he knows what he writes and the consequences of it.
This was ridiculous, they had been friends since they were eleven, they had been dating since sixth year, and after two years of being together Remus just decides their love makes them "vulnerable"? Sirius simply doesn't get it, so he keeps sending letters, begging to meet in person, but never get an answer. The one time he attempted to go the Remus' cottage no one answered, besides the lights being on.
Tired, confused, sad and, mainly, desperate, he dicedes to write one last letter
"28/06/80
Dear Remus,
I believed you. But now I know I should have believed him, I hate to say it, but my brother was right. I shouldn't trust boys with too much free time. I shouldn't have let myself go and fall for you, but how could I?
How could I stop myself from falling? Falling for those dark brown eyes, that seemed so empty at first glance, but were so deep. I felt like they lit up whenever you looked at me, like the first time we met, I could tell that you were really scared, but I felt like you trusted me, and that moment I believed I could trust you.
Or like that time you couldn't leave the castle due to full moon cramps and I brought you a box of your favourite chocolates, you hadn't got out of bed or talked to anyone that day, but you lifted your head, just enough, so I could see your eyes, and whispered a soft "thank you", that was the first day you made me believe I was special.
Or like the time we were in the astronomy tower and I, slowly, got closer to you, our first kiss, I don't think I will ever forget your face that night, the way you looked at me when we finally understood why our friendship was so different from other's, that was the night everything started to make sense, you asked if I wanted anything more, more committed, and I believed we were forever.
Or the way you looked at me when I got to the dorm after fighting with Regulus, we had been dating for five months and I decided to tell Reg, maybe it was a bad idea to not take you, but I felt like it was my responsibility, maybe if you were there he would have been more subtle about how much he disapproved of us being together. I didn't want to believe when he explained that you always went out with someone for a bit and left them before catching feelings. Even though he warned me, I didn't want to believe him, you made me feel special, I wanted to believe I was special, different from the rest. I guess he was right after all, wasn't him? Turns out you are just a problem that leaves me crying up at night.
And it hurts, it truly hurts, because I love you, I love you more than anything, and I thought you loved me back, which you said you did, so why are you pushing me away? You have tried to do this before, when we told you we were becoming animagus, but it was harder for you to ignore me when we lived in the same room, and I catch myself wondering: how long were you waiting to get away from me?
And it hurts, it truly hurts, because I can't help but wonder, last year, when we spent Christmas at the Potter's house, were you tired of me already? All those nights we had spent together, talking and cuddling, were they all just a part of an elaborate lie? Those moments in which I poured my heart out to you, telling you things I had never told anyone, were you wishing you could leave? Were you simply pretending to listen? No, I refuse to believe so, those moments I finally felt like I was free, free from my past, I had nothing to hide from you anymore, so I could just be myself. Now I realise you never did that with me, you never opened up, you never truly let me in, and now you are forcing me out of your life.
I won't lie, I am writing this for very selfish reasons, I can't imagine how my life would be with out you. You made me feel protected, I belived I would have a safe space no matter what, but once again I'm all alone. But I do truly worry for you, once you told me I was the most important person in your life, and if you can just push me away after going through a hard time, I wonder what you can do to someone any less significant.
So I write this letter as an ultimatum, because I feel like I deserve answers; do you really want me out of your life? Do you want to end our relationship? Did we ever reallly have anything, or was I just convenently there?
I hope you find the time and effort to answer this letter, take as long as you need, Moons.
Yours if you want,
Sirius"
With tears in his eyes he seals the envelope and hands it to his owl, who goes flying in the dark of the night to the house it has gone to many times before.