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Paul didn't take the quiet moments for granted.
Paul was lying on the settee in the main room of his home, Kurt neatly settled against his chest and tucked into his arms as the pair simply enjoyed each other's presence and closeness. It was something many couples took for granted, being able to spend time so close to their partner, but it was something Paul would never take for granted. Each moment was something to be treasured, something that Paul was so thankful for - even if it had to be hidden from the outside world. The curtains were drawn, the door tightly locked, all precautions that Paul and Kurt were used to being taken. All precautions that were necessary due to the nature of their relationship. Paul hated it, but Kurt didn't seem to mind it as much. Kurt was always just happy to spend time with Paul, and Paul couldn't deny that Kurt's presence made his fear and frustration lessen.
"Can I ask you a question, Paul?" Kurt asked, idly pulling on one of Paul's hands to hold it in front of him. Paul let his appendage be puppeted, just happy to be close to Kurt as the younger man gently ran his fingers over Paul's. Kurt's fingers brushing against the many callouses and lines of Paul's hand, against the evidence of how long Paul had been playing.
"Of course," Paul murmured, "you know you can ask me everything."
Kurt could ask him to move the sky and the stars, and Paul would find a way to do it. Anything Kurt asked of him, Paul would find a way to accomplish.
"If you had to, what type of ring would you choose to wear?" Kurt asked, gently tugging on Paul's ring finger as he spoke.
"Well," Paul hummed for a moment as he thought, not quite expecting that question, "I suppose it would have to be fairly low profile, if it would be a ring I'd wear on the daily. I wouldn't like it to impact my playing. Probably something dark in color, and not too extravagant, to not draw attention on stage. Can I ask why you want to know?"
"..." Kurt exhaled heavily as he tilted his head back against Paul's chest, looking up at the older man through his eyelashes as he moved to hold Paul's hand against his chest, his fingers wrapping tightly around Paul's "I was thinking, about..."
Kurt trailed off, his eyes darting to the side and his lips pursing.
It was obvious something was on his mind.
"You were thinking about...?" Paul carefully prompted him, watching Kurt's tumultuous expression as the younger man's eyes returned to look into Paul's.
"I was thinking about marriage," Kurt answered, hesitantly, "I was thinking about marriage, and us."
Paul barely kept a grimace from his lips, his eyebrows twisting upwards as he fought to find the right way to bring his thoughts to spoken word.
"Kurt..." Paul started slowly, before trailing off. He didn't know what to say, or how to say it. He didn't know how to not break Kurt's heart.
Kurt was younger, he hadn't seen how the world treated men like them in the way Paul had. He hadn't yet seen countless friends get arrested or quietly move away, he hadn't read the obituaries that told a false story of a friend who was happy and without reason to have done what they did.
Kurt didn't know the world like Paul did, but Paul couldn't fault him for that. He hadn't lived the experiences that Paul had, he hadn't seen the cruelty of the world in the way Paul had.
"I just was wondering what you thought," Kurt continued, a frown present on his lips, "about getting married. About us, us getting married."
Paul tightened his grip on Kurt's hand, fighting down the slight tremble that threatened to rise.
"I don't think..." Paul's heart twisted, sinking low in his chest as he thought about the hostile world that lay outside the protection and privacy of his home, of the many traditions and customs that were simply unavailable for those not in traditional relationships, "I don't think that will ever be an option for us, Kurt."
Paul hated himself the moment the words left his mouth, the moment he saw Kurt minutely flinch, his expression twisting into one of sadness and despair. Paul knew it was hard, to live the way they did. It was hard to walk in the park and see the other couples walking hand-in-hand, sharing gentle and romantic moments that Paul and Kurt could not, not in public, "I'm sorry," Paul hugged Kurt to his chest, his vision blurring as his lips twisted downward into a sorrowful frown, "I love you either way."
"I know..." Kurt's expression was somber, his eyes dark as his voice shook slightly, "just, if it was possible. What would you think?"
Kurt's expression was pleading, and Paul could tell that this topic was one that had been gnawing at him for a while. Marriage was a topic that Paul wasn't a stranger to, and he would be lying if he said he didn't fantasize about a world where he and Kurt could be married, a world where they could be accepted. A fairytale world.
It will never be possible, not for men like us.
Paul kept his thoughts, his dark and ugly thoughts, to himself and simply held Kurt closer to him. There was no harm in playing into a fantasy, in imaging a better world, if only for a moment.
"Well, if it were possible," Paul leaned to press a gentle kiss against Kurt's hair as he spoke, taking comfort in the warmth of his lover, "then I think I would like it very much."
If only it were possible.
"I would like it, as well," Kurt murmured, reaching up to rest a hand against Paul's cheek, warmth blooming as Paul smiled down at him, "I love you, Paul."
"And I, you," Paul returned, closing his eyes and allowing himself to picture a world where they could just be.
A world where their story would end happily.
He knew that it was an unobtainable fairytale world.