Chapter Text
Cedar Creek Cemetery, Brisbane
Fido was almost certain he had enough for a full bouquet of roses. Normally when he leaves for the day, he does his best to scrounge up some emergency funds in case he was in dire need of something. Anything, really.
Yet as the falling emerald leaves of evergreen fluttered with the shimmering magenta petals of jacaranda trees, it shrouded the meandering path of crunching gravel as they landed by his feet. All the while, that single rose he bought weighed like a brick in his withering paw.
Gravestones littered the soft, smoothed, sculpted hills all around him. Fido always thought it looked like someone was rolling the earth between their fingers. It all still looked the same, just like the last time he reached the top of these gentle lofts of grass years ago.
Even from up here, he could see just how pronounced these tiny hills are. How they always were, always have been. Looking down from the peak of this mini-mountain, his foot squished yet another divot into the gravel, watching the hill roll off into the next part of the graveyard.
Through the dense specks of green adorning the trees' branches, he sharpened his ill stare. Amidst the garden of smaller spires, cloaked statues, graves and moss-ridden crosses, there she was.
No different to most of the other gravestones, right in the middle was a sight that always made his already sullen and dropped face curdle even further in wincing pain. After living seven odd years far away from this place, he was back bearing his hurt eyes upon that marble grey slab sticking out the ground, veiled in the heart-wrenching aura stabbing his frail chest.
Fido let out a long, quiet, sigh, tightening his revered hold on the still thorny stem of his rose. His meagre, single, rose. Weak and alone.
Roaming down to the foot of the hill, rearing himself off the gravel path, he gingerly ventured onto the lush sage graveyard meadow.
Not to fool himself into thinking this was ever a pleasant walk to begin with. He continued each aching step, one after the other anyways. He knew these few steps would never get any better. Biting the bottom of his quivering mouth, he sucked in a turbulent breath before letting his free paw double his shy grip on his flower.
Fidgeting his brown paw, Fido reached round the back of himself, pushing through the last tortuous steps above her grave, he pulled out an old, cracked phone. Rubbing the textile scratchiness of the broken glass around his light chocolate thumb, he let out another rough breath. Devout in the way he held it against his hazel furred chest, he hoped to God it still worked.
Thankfully, without much fuss, the screen brightened into the same old image: A joyful couple. One of them jumped over the other's back, grinning and latching her loving paws all around the softer one caught in her playful grasp.
A reminiscent smile and a heartsick stare was all that greeted the broken phone. Kneeling down towards the pile of decayed pink leaves pooling above like a tiny mound just by the base, the Labrador swished his paw side to side, sifting through the paper-thin petals. Sweeping the last bits, he unearthed a wrinkled, almost rusted, lonely buried rose.
His face puffed in a faint profound shock, a sharp ache infiltrating his throat whilst his cold paw froze. Glaring his large and amazed pupils at the deceased flower, alongside the anguished dance of his shivering pupils, he finally unclenched his throat with a shrill gasp.
It was still here. After all this time. It was still here. How on earth was it still here?
Mustering all his docile grace, Fido gently swapped the dead rose, cautiously placing it aside. The Labrador stood the fresh crimson rose upright against her gravestone, meticulously rearranging it time and time again with discontent.
He shifted the stem for a final time.
With nothing more than a faint nod, he placed the phone beside the flower, resting in its grassy bed. Blinking at the sight of the evening sunlight blotted around her gravestone, he stroked the top along his fingers before dragging down the side.
Bit by bit, he slowed himself on the slab, caressing his palm against the rough cobblestone. He just couldn't believe its been seven years already. Or that he was here, in the flesh. It all seemed surreal. As if none of the years that have tantalisingly lumbered him by; every painful ache he endured, every moment he begged to have her back, every day he needed her by his side never happened.
With a gentle breeze running up his back, his paw making the journey stopped halfway down. The brown Labrador squinted his eyes at a few specks of grime stuck in the engraved name and numbers:
Ellie Fisher
21-4-1988 ~ 22-10-2016
Scrubbing the last minuscule dot away, he gently held the side of her grave. Dragging his hazel paw down once more, he finished his yearning stroke, reaching the dirt below as he rubbed the strands of grass between his fingers. He could try all he wants, nothing could compare to the real feel of her feathery fur. To deem mere grass, or anything else he's tried, as a substitute was just an insult.
Clenching his eyes shut, he gripped onto the stone with the might his heart could afford him, bowing his accepting head down. Reeling his paw back in, he channelled all memory he could into his delicate paws, as if she was right next here, he still looked upon her with a wistful smile. At least he still had that: Memory.
Fido pulled out his own phone, not bearing much difference to the one by the grave. Clicking it on and masterfully tapping to unlock, he ignored the brief flashes of notifications bearing words like 'URGENT' and 'Mr. Fisher' trapped in squared text bubbles in front his stock home screen.
With a frustrated blink of his otherwise docile eyes, his brain managed to store their contents deep in the back somewhere:
~Mr. Fisher
It has recently come to my attention that we've received another manuscript ..... high profile client ....... need to take a look URGENTLY ........ add to the others ......... apologies for the impromptu demand ........ the new deadline is less than a week but blah blah, blah, blah, blah.~
It was like they didn't have any other editors!
Fido closed his eyes with a short discharge of annoyed air. Whatever. He could deal with all their crap when he get's home to Winnie.
Still swiping through his phone, he tapped on the literal phone icon with a warm rush burrowing out his chest.
Despite all that's happened, the past year and finally moving back here, she's been nothing but his beacon of light in this grim world. Winnie. His Bugalug.
Even as he left her with one of Bandit's neighbours, 'Pat' Fido thinks his name was? Hopping into his car and driving away, her little innocent wave and grin gleaming at him through in his rear-mirror; He was glad she was doing more of that. Smiling, being happy, being the kid she deserves to be.
God knows the chocolate Labrador doesn't exist for any other reason than to make her smile every single day. Even towering above the gut wrenching stone, Winnie was always enough to slow his nerved breathing
Yet, he loaded up his contacts nonetheless, he didn't have to bother shortcutting to a reduced list of favourites, skimming the already deprived list available to him: 'School', 'Bossguy', 'Bandit Heeler' and-
Fido's finger hesitated and trembled over the final of his few contacts. A series of numbers that made his skin turn to ice and fur into icicles shards in the warm Brisbane evening: '22-10-2016'
With a final deep and penetrating breath into his body, he zipped the tip of his finger right onto the name, fading the phone into action. Holding his phone up against his flopped ear, letting the buzz burrow into his ear and vibrations into his paw, he watched the phone beneath him ring to life.
He simply gazed his desolate eyes at her grave the entire time, letting the tech take its time before eventually, the buzz stopped.
A confident, brash and gruff voice answered the phone, "Hey, its Ellie. You hear a beep, you leave the message and I listen. Get back to you soon."
Fido sunk on his knees even further into the grass, letting his body collapse on himself with another burst of hurt rummaging his drooped ears.
*beep*
The hazel Labrador perked his ears up, half-lid eyes rising to attention, "Hey! Its me again... I just figured you might wanna know what's been happening since last time I called?"
Fido scratched the back of his head before locking eyes on the slab of stone ahead, "I think I'm doing better than last time? I'm not really sure most days, but ..."
All pleasantries vanished. Only the creeping dread in his pensive voice remained, "I don't-" He caught his tongue,
"I don't wanna say I've moved on just cause I've left Darwin; it still doesn't sound true, but its been easier. Cause, really, moving back here was the best thing for her. Winnie's already made a friend, she's settled quickly and all before she starts school too! Just seeing her being able to flourish and be herself. I think you'd be really proud of her."
Another wry smile grew on the Labrador, a disbelieving puff came out his charcoal nose, "Really though, its so relieving that this move is doing good for her." His mouth twitched, hesitant of his thoughts, "You know me, if she didn't like it here, it woulda been straight back to Darwin,” Past the anguish, Fido tightened his now stern tone, “But I knew it was time to start thinking about her, what's best for her."
Fido shuffled himself on his knees, inching closer to the grave, "I won't lie to you, Ellie. I ran away. When you ..." Fido caught his lips in his teeth, "I went home and took her with me. All because I wanted to 'put myself first'." A nauseated scowl burned under the Labrador's stubby beard, recoiling at such a sickening want.
"But it was never about me, I know that now. I spent the time I needed back home to ... deal with everything, but I couldn't lie to myself forever. I couldn't keep her there forever." The chestnut dog had to breath some sense of calm into him, gulping his tense throat.
"Not that I'd doubt her for a second she wouldn't make it out eventually. I know she's stronger than I'll ever be," Fido's chestnut muzzle jerked in stunned awe, "None of this ever seemed to bother her. Even when it should have. The times that seemed harder to hide everything, never affected her. Not one bit. Hah, kinda like you, actually. Nice to know where she got it from."
His nervous chuckle died down, instinctively wiping the underlining of his eye, "Oh, I wish you coulda seen her, Ellie. Just the way you were back then- not as 'bold' and 'loud' as you, but," Fido had to collect his thoughts, launching them towards the grave like an emotional catapult, "I'm glad its natural for her. The friend-making business I mean. You know its never been easy for me. I never had the knack for it like you two do. Just as long as those who did somehow manage to enter my life were happy, then I was happy. Like you. Like Winnie."
He pressed the phone harder against his ear, making the boney part ache in his conviction, "Nothing made me happier than seeing you two smile. Even with the little time we all had together, I've always felt like I knew how to do that..."
The chocolate Labrador suckled on his guilt-ridden lips laced with remorse, "But that's sorta why I'm here. When Winnie met her friend, her Dad was there too. Bandit. Lovely guy; the kind you can tell is one in a million," Fido's gaze started to wander, deep in thought.
"He invited the two of us to breakfast and- And as soon as you stepped into their house, you could just feel how much it felt like a home. His wife was there, his two kids. We started talking and it made me realise something. Something I think I've known since ... Since you passed."
Fido's brow grew tense, scratching his jittering chin, "Winnie doesn't have a family. A proper one. That thing that all happy homes have, I can't ever give to her: A family. Sure, I think I've done a good enough job on my own but ... How can I ever hope for Winnie to be happy when she has no idea what having a mother is like? I'm not enough, Ellie. I know I'll never be enough. One day, she's gonna realise that. And then I'll lose her too. Forever."
Fido inhaled another stretching and harrowing breath of warm air, slowly letting it out to relieve the sustained pounding spasm wrenching his heart. He wiped his sweltering eye, flicking his wrist before doubling up with another damp wipe across his hazel fur, "That's-" He coughed, "That's why I wanted to tell you I wanna try dating again."
A stuffy gulp rolled down his throat, croaking out his hoarse voice, "It'll be hard, but for Winnie's sake, I know I have to. If I can find anyone like Bandit or Chilli, I'm sure Winnie would love that."
The chestnut Labrador felt the gravity of his thoughts pull his regretful gaze to the grassy ground, grabbing and twisting the rose in his fingers, "I hope you know you will always be the only woman for me. I stand by what I told you. But I never said anything about the other team," A rare wave of playful banter washed over Fido, drowning out the light breeze and the chirps of the Galahs.
Like the many times before, as soon as that phone goes up to his ear, delusions of her petite face swarm his mind. For a moment, the graveyard disappeared. That was all he could see in his fabricated reality. Her face.
He just wanted to know why he couldn't stay there.
"Not that they would be any better than you! I could never really expect that from 'em, but..." His etched smile gently vanished into nothingness, "I know you'd want him to be."
Just like that, the gravestone snuck back into his reality. Like dust scattering in the breeze, the almost ghost like figure in Fido's vision blew away. The rustling leaves and branches above him alongside the amber evening filled his disenchanted mind. His dismal brows dipped on his forehead, "Its a tough ask though."
Keeping his vigilant look upon the faint cracks in her stone, he almost felt like he was expecting a response somehow. He didn't know how much longer he could take this. The silence. Everyday; the silence.
This would usually be her turn to provide some other perspectives, make him see the whole picture. Before he rushed into anything. But with no words conjuring anywhere else but him, a docile blink was all he produced at the unsurprising silence.
"And Winnie... As much as I believe this is something I have to do for her, I'm just thinking about how it'd affect her. Cause when I'm out doing God knows what, who's gonna take care of her? I can't bother Bandit and his mates all the time. What if- What if we hit it off and he isn't interested in her or doesn't want to have to do anything with me? What if she doesn't like him? How am I gonna spend time with her when both her and I have to find the time to get to know this guy? Where does it all leave her, Ellie?"
A fresh gust of sweet honeydew brushed pass the chocolate Labrador's nose from the swaying branches above, making his nostrils twitch on his shaking head, "I can't do that to her just cause I 'want' something... I can't. Not again. I won't make that mistake again."
Although, he couldn't possibly deny the throbbing cries of his lonely heart rioting within his paralysing thoughts. Seven years he's been in the trenches with himself, banishing any sliver of selfish desires wailing out his longing soul. Hunched over her grave in a daze of frantic taps on his lap, he brought the phone up to his ear again,
"I miss feeling loved. Your love, Ellie. The kind that made me feel invincible; let me stand on my own two feet. I wouldn't be the man I am today without you. And I just want someone who can make me feel that way again... God, I miss you."
With another deep sigh flushing out his inflated lungs, he still couldn't escape the bloated dread building up inside him. Reaching to fiddle around and repeatedly fix the rose, twirling it around, he couldn't distract himself from the way his skin started to crawl. Or his sniffling nose.
He didn't care how relieving it was to get all that off his chest; just omitting Winnie from what made him feel loved was enough to smear another disgusted frown upon his offended glare. The searing rush of repulsion instantly made him retreat back to the sole definitive reason for his being.
Fido cleared his throat of lingering gunk, "But I promise, Winnie will always come first. I promise our daughter will always feel loved. I'll say it a thousand times to you again, I'll never break that promise. Never."
A pained conviction pressed against his fragile and shuddering voice, wrangling his soul out the way to let it pass, "So if I have to chose between anyone and Winnie, I want you to rest assured I will pick Winnie every time. No matter what."
Sniffling his nose, wiping just below his eye and sucking air through gritted teeth, the hazelnut Labrador let his paw tumble onto his lap, hanging up the call. The chiming beeps sealed his false, yet heartfelt, conversation into a series of 1s and 0s on a slab of circuitry.
"No matter what..." His voice shuddered, littered with fear. He didn't know why.
Recollecting himself, he squished his eyes closed once more, expertly wringing out the sorrow. The same way he's done many times before.
Collecting the fractured phone off the grave, stowing both his and her's away, he pushed himself off the ground. Stealing one last precious moment to look at the one rose left in her company, he nodded, feeling sure she could still feel how close he was despite each step away.
Moving pass the other collection of stone ornaments peppered around him, he eventually spotted an oak bench.
The brown Labrador trudged his exhausted frame onto the gravel path once more, glad for the massaging pebbles against his feet. He soon closed his eyes before blowing out a consoled sigh and crashing down onto the old, rustic bench.
Quietly observing the peaceful prairie of death in the angelic golden glow of the setting sun, there was a strange sense of serenity surrounding the cemetery. Leaning over his lap, back bent on the bench, he lazily crossed his wrists over each other.
He didn't know how much longer he was gonna spend here tonight. As nice as it was to look back on everything, he'd feel awful if Pat felt like he had to make Dinner for the night. Maybe he should call the house phone and ask Winnie to order in? Make it easier for them. Probably not much in the fridge anyways.
Another sigh leaked out the Labrador.
What was he gonna do with himself? Everywhere he turned to, he couldn't find the best way to make everything perfect for his Bugalug. Every road somehow seems to end up to Winnie's detriment. Always something in the way of him being the father she needs him to be. A choice between two things that will only make it easier to lose her.
Fido found his saudade eyes fall upon her gravestone at the centre of the garden adorned with her curved cherry rose. With another shake of his head, there wasn't a doubt in the brown dog's mind that she would know exactly what to say. He only wished he could hear it.
...
"Fido? Mate, is that you?"
The chestnut Labrador cranked his neck up to the blue Heeler rounding the corner of his eye, wide and stunned before settling his jittering nerves.
"Oh, Bandit! Hey."
Immediately sitting up, straightening his back and clearing his throat in the span of a single second, Fido raised his flopped ears towards Bandit's relaxed waving paw, "Good to see ya, Mr. Fisher!"
"Yeah! You too." Sticking out his outstretched paw, Fido instinctively held it out to meet the Heeler's handshake, still as firm and assured from when they first met last month.
Bandit pulled back, standing calmly now, "Heh, sure wasn't expecting to see you around here. I don't usually see others around," He gazed out towards the small hills, turning back to his mate, "If you're okay with me asking, what brings ya round?"
"Aaaaah..." Fido's hung mouth creaked like a rusty door in the night, desperately trying to dig out a polite way to avoid the question whilst he struggled to calm his frantic eyes, "Umm, I ... I was meant to meet someone here but," He averted his buzzing eyes to the ground, mostly to save face as Bandit mirrored the Labrador's actions, glimpsing around the graveyard, "I don't think they're gonna show."
With a slight pause of uncertainty shared between the two new friends, Fido blinked, seizing the opportunity to take the unwanted limelight off himself, "How 'bout you?"
The blue heeler bobbed his head, placing one paw on the side of his hip, "Visiting my Dad. He passed not too long ago. Still trying to make sense of it."
Fido, quickly forgetting the whole reason he came here, scooted over to make space on the bench, looking up with his attentive and compassionate pupils, filled with sensitivity, "I'm sorry, Bandit ... Could you use some company?"
After a short glint of hesitation and unsure eyebrows shooting the Labrador's direction, Bandit quickly conceded with a grateful shrug, "Eh, sure. Why not?"
Moving across Fido, the blue Heeler plopped down on the bench, making himself cozy before leaning back into the tough wood.
The Labrador was completely oblivious to the soft wag at the tip of his tail, watching the blue dog set down beside him. It was a nice feeling to have someone this close to him again; A tiny smile formed on Fido's appreciative lips, "So. This is why you couldn't babysit Winnie tonight."
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"No! No, I understand completely. If I'd known, I never woulda asked."
"Nah, you're right, mate. Probably have been easier to say 'yes' if I'm honest."
"Oh." Fido started picking at his nails, unsure of what to make of that, "Were you and your Dad not close then?"
"Ah, no, we were. That's kinda what I meant about 'trying to understand'." Bandit turned to face Fido, nothing but his close regard making the Heeler relax into the bench that bit more, "My Mum was the one to do most the parenting. The typical sort of motherly stuff, despite some flaws. But I appreciated it."
The chocolate Labrador leant further in, "So what happened with you and your Dad?"
Bandit held his paws up, flicking them around as he spoke, "My Dad was never really any good at that stuff, and I wish he was. But I'm still glad he was there. Both of them. I knew he wasn't the perfect man, but he did a good job in the end. He learnt from Mum and Mum learnt from Dad. In the end he taught us a lot, how to live our lives, to be good people. In his own way, he did mean the best for us. Does that make sense?"
Fido felt his soul implode, his words rampaging right into him and ripping him apart. His attentive gaze carefully morphed into a whirlwind all for him to get swept up and lost in, opting to glare at the grey gravel, "Yeah, I know how you feel, mate. Sometimes, that's all I hope for Winnie. That when she's older, everything I've done will make sense too."
Bandit scratched the bottom of his muzzle, twisting his head in pure pensive thought, turning to Fido with "Hm, must be a 'Dad' thing. I hope my kids can feel the same way one day. That's all we can do for now though. Hope."
As Fido returned to connect his warm eyes into the blue Heeler, he couldn't help but snap a quick peek towards the only decorated grave on the grassy patch just ahead of the two dogs. Zipping his head back to Bandit, Fido bowed his head in solemn agreement, picturing nothing but his Bugalug's adorable smile beaming up at him.
The Labrador stroked the side of his patchy bearded muzzle, feeling that promise swell inside him, "Yeah, true."
A speechless moment was shared between the two dogs, opting to simply let their vision upon the desolate collage of mossy stone ahead of them, "Whoo, man, that feels good to get off my chest."
An altruistic chuckle leaked out Fido's mouth, "Thanks for telling me. I know that must've been a touchy subject but ... Glad I was here to help."
"Yeah, good thing you were! You really know how to have a good chat, don't ya?"
A modest, yet cheerless, smile sprouted on the Labrador, "Nah, its nothing, really. Just doing what's right. Besides, you did most the talking."
Beaming up a friendly grin towards Fido, Bandit gave a kind tap just in front of his shoulder, his earnest tone plummeting into the brown dog, "You should come over for brekkie again sometime! Bring the wife, have some more chats. I know Chilli's been looking forward to meeting her."
The tight corners of Fido's lips had a strange split second of loosening before abruptly winding back up into a thankful grin, hoping Bandit's continued enthusiasm meant he managed to keep his disguise on, "Oh, right! Uh- I mean, yes. Sure thing!"
"Cool!" Clasping his paws together, he brought his fairly spread legs together and heaved himself off the bench, stretching his back and yanking on his tight sinews, "Phew! We should probably get back to the kids; Getting real dark already," Dusting himself off, the heeler pointed his thumb over his shoulder, "You parked up towards Canvey?"
"Yeah, closer to the main road."
"Awesome. Wanna have some company?" Bandit lent his paw down, offering it to the slouched chocolate Labrador.
With a surprised blink and a glimmer of confusion, it all transformed into a minute shy smile, "Sure! Why not?"
As Fido hoisted himself back onto the crunchy gravel and started making his way down the twisting pebble trail, the inquisitive Heeler found himself slowly lagging behind.
Only until he was a couple arm lengths away from the Labrador, he began cautiously veering his gaze away from Fido and back to the legion of gravestones amongst the small pocket they'd been overseeing. Darting his scrutinising pupils across the foot of the hill, he managed to pluck out his confirmed suspicions.
It didn't take a genius to notice the way his demeanour switched.
Laying his knowing look upon the rose covered grave, he mushed his eyelids together, sharpening his vision to the only thing he needed to see.
Just the name was enough to put 2 and 2 together. Fisher.
Furrowing his wondering, regretful, lips at the grave, he swivelled and jogged his pattering feet back up towards, carrying nothing but this curious worry for his new brown mate.
"Hey, Fido?"
The Labrador flung his head back, stopping in his tracks with an innocently puzzled expression.
"Can you do tomorrow morning?"
Spawning another sad smile, Fido kept his somber eyes fixed on this truly wonderful man before nodding back at Bandit joining him right by his side, "Yeah. I can do that."
***