Chapter Text
“You’ve more than earned it, Elliot—” Cragen’s lips were in a tight, thin smile, neither approving nor disapproving. “I’m assuming you’ve talked to Olivia, of course.”
Off Elliot’s silence, he repeated the question. “You did talk to Olivia. . .”
Elliot could only shake his head. “I never took you for a coward.”
He couldn’t argue, was entirely passive in the face of captain’s—soon to be former captain’s—criticism. Because, of course, he was right, he was a coward. “Captain, I . . .”
“I’m not going to pretend to understand your relationship,” Cragen said, “but I’d think you owe her at least that much.”
He did.
And yet.
And yet.
That was the problem.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about calling her since the day he’d walked out of IA. But he couldn’t.
Cragen hadn’t been wrong when he said he couldn’t pretend to understand their relationship. The complexity lay in the fact that—for longer than he would ever be willing to admit—he’d been in love with her.
Fact of the matter was he still was.
That was the problem.
If he called her, if he let her know he was going, they would have had to face what they meant to each other.
He didn’t have it in him to listen to her cry. And if she had begged, he would have given in.
And so, he walked away. Like a coward.
And he missed her. He ached for her. He dreamt of her. He was haunted by her memory.
Every day he thought of her. There was a piece of him missing, like a phantom limb, and so it was a few weeks later that he found himself sending a letter, “Semper Fi,” he wrote hoping she would read between the lines, because buried between Semper and Fi he’d written I have a secret. And right before his name, he’d buried I love you.
It wasn’t enough; it would never be enough.
He hadn’t been able to stay, but leaving was the worst thing he’d ever done.
He could only hope she would understand. He could only hope she could read between the lines.
~end