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Here I stand/Here I'll stay.
Finally, after weeks filled with anxiety, depression and an aching loneliness, finally Holly walked into 12 Grimmauld Place, family home of her Godfather Sirius Black. After all the obligatory greetings Holly finally saw Padfoot, waiting at the very back of the greeting line, seemingly unsure if he should approach. Holly took that decision out of his hands, rushing over to him the first chance she had.
"Sirius!" she said, sinking into his warm embrace with all the youthful abandon of a daughter greeting her father.
"Prongslet," he whispered back for her hearing alone. "Oh, how I've missed you."
This comment sparked something in Holly's mind but she didn't voice it, not wanting to ruin the moment. At that moment she was once again ushered down the hallway, everyone moving to the dining room. "Why are we eating so early? This is odd for you lot," Holly mentioned as she took her seat, catching the fleeting looks between the adults in the room. "What? What did I miss?" Apart from everything, she thought to herself.
Several cleared throats and an awkward silence or two later, Sirius finally met her gaze. "Grimmauld Place is the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, the collection of witches and wizards that Dumbledore rallied to fight Voldemort. They are having a meeting tonight." Holly's eyes blew wide open as the rest of the adults sprang forth in a flurry of whispered, accusatory words. Holly ignored them all for moments, eyeing Hermione, Fred and George with a hurt look upon her face. From the uncomfortable visage they collectively wore, she knew her point landed. Not a word, from any of them.
"So, let me get this straight," Holly began, interrupting the present conversation. "Not only have I been ignored and pushed aside all summer, despite the fact that I saw a friend die in front of me and survived my third encounter with Voldemort in as many years, but you're all actively keeping me from taking my seat at the table as well?"
Remus shook his head. "It isn't like that Holly, not at all."
"Yes, yes, Remus is right dear," Mrs Weasley commented. "You're just too young, none of you should be exposed to this yet."
"Mrs Weasley, with all the love and respect in my heart, that is completely false," Holly argued back, not backing down even with the looks of censure she was receiving. She had done some serious thinking this summer and she wasn't going through what she had gone through in years past ever again. She was going to rally all her strengths and she was going to stand her ground, against Voldemort and whoever else sought to hold her back. "If there's anyone that needs to be kept abreast of Voldemort's actions and activities it's me, the one who is going to end up killing him."
"They're both correct though Holly, you are still only a student," Sirius said, trying to put his hand on Holly's shoulder, though she shook it off. "Besides, Voldemort hasn't taken any actions, he's biding his time. And there's certainly no reason you have to be the one to kill him."
"I don't understand how you can all think that when it seems pretty obvious to me that Voldemort has it in for me," Holly commented. "Did no one ever know wander why that was, honestly?"
In the stunned silence that followed Holly realised that, clearly, they had not. "Why doesn't matter at this moment Potter," Moody said gruffly from the end of the table. "What matters is keeping tabs on the both of you to protect you and apprehend him."
Holly scoffed, a laugh mixing with the derisive sound as she stared incredulously at the people around her. "No Mad-eye, what matters is understanding both the why and the who of this situation to better put a stop to that. And to do that you all need me! But where were you all this summer? Certainly not protecting me, other than spying for hours and end and never actually checking to see how I was doing. For all I saw, there was not a footprint to be seen, not a word from anyone about the circumstances of my sad excuse for a life. At first, I started getting angry, wondering why I had been written off like garbage."
"-Holly, dear, please-" Mrs Weasley tried to interrupt her impassioned plea, but she wasn't going to be held back now.
"No, no, please don't try and say I misunderstood or that I shouldn't have worried or literally anything else Mrs Weasley, please," Holly huffed, holding her emotions together, if only barely. "The Dursley house has never been a loving home and yet this summer took it to a whole new level – not only was I depressed and suffering mentally, but I was now stuck in this kingdom of isolation, of which I was the Queen and subject all in one. So, no I'm not a child and no I don't want my decisions made for me and yes, I'm old enough to hold those opinions."
Holly finished her tirade, breathing heavily with all the emotion and energy she had exerted over the last few minutes. Everyone around her was stunned – Ron had even stopped eating he was so surprised – but she didn't have eyes for anyone except Sirius. She could tell he was arguing internally with himself and she saw the exact moment the shutters came down.
"Fine," she said. "That's fine. If that's how you want it, I'll stay out of the way from now on."
Abruptly she turned, walking away from the dining room and everyone in it, not looking back once. As she reached the staircase, stomping up each step, she heard the sound of rushed footsteps following her. Recognising the sound of her friends' steps she slowed down enough for them to catch up. She reached the landing and realised she didn't know where to go, but luckily Hermione was on top of that and steered her towards a door on their left. "We're rooming together in here," she told Holly.
Holly nodded, walking to the window at the other side of the room and back again. Pacing had long been a past time of hers when she needed to think. Something about being cooped up in a cupboard for so long and being held back by the demands of others made the act of walking continuously very freeing.
"So," George began after a brief silence. "That was certainly dramatic."
"And rightfully so I say," Hermione replied, crossing her arms as she sat on one of the beds. Fred and George took the other, Fred brushing my shoulder gently on one of my turns. "It's one of my biggest regrets that I listened to Dumbledore and the Order this summer. You're my friend and I should've been there for you."
She paused in her pacing to meet Hermione's eyes, trying to convey how she felt about the situation. "It was a pretty awful thing to do, but I forgave you as soon as we hugged downstairs. You've been my most loyal friend for as long as I can remember Mi."
"Chopped liver, are we?" George scoffed, though the smile he gave her promised no malicious intent.
"Seriously Holly, I hope you know how much we regret going along with their plans," Fred said, looking at her earnestly. "We know you've more than earned the right to have a say on how things are handled."
"In fact," George added. "We think you haven't said nearly enough. We think you should be speaking up a lot more and I bet we wouldn't be the only ones thinking that."
That brought her to a stop. "What do you mean?"
"Well, we've been talking a lot this summer and we don't think you should necessarily be following Dumbledore blindly like a lot of the Order seem to," Hermione said with a shrug. "Even if you won't publicly declare it, we just thought that Dumbledore's ideas often seem to involve him moving people around like pieces on a chess board."
"That's certainly true," she responds. "He still hasn't fully explained the Voldemort saga from first year to me. If I hadn't had been curious enough to plan it out with you guys, I'd be even more in the dark."
"Absolutely!" Fred agreed. "Why not test the limits of what you can do?"
"You know guys, you're starting to make a lot of sense," she said, coming to sit beside Hermione so they faced the boys. "I think it's time that I break through some of these rules and see what I can do."
"And we'll be right there beside you every step of the way," Hermione promised, taking her hand and meeting her eye with a fervent look.
Maybe they could do this, push through the chains that had once seemed so immovable. They were going to at least try. Doing nothing was not an option.
The first few months of the school year had been hell for the most part, and that was saying something since Holly had faced death and destruction in some capacity for the last four years. The only saving grace amongst Umbridge's reign of terror was PR – Potter's Rebellion. A defence organisation that she and Hermione had toyed with naming the Defence Association but that Fred and George convinced her to lay claim to personally. For now, it was just a bunch of students learning defensive magic, but what it represented to Holly was so much greater than that.
Nothing phased her as long as she had PR to focus on. She didn't even blink an eye when Umbridge gave her detention after detention, nor when she got banned from the Quidditch team with Fred and George. Not that those things didn't hurt very really parts of her, but she was motivated to keep pushing through because, for the first time ever, she had something greater than herself to fight for. These students, who had quickly become loyal friends, needed her. This, as Hermione was fond of telling her, was becoming a need she felt compelled to satisfy.
This time was different though. The group was something totally unique and beautiful, full of life, possibility and the faintest hint of hope. What the four of them had thought of as a study group of five to ten people to avoid the repercussions of Umbridge's horrible teaching, was fast becoming an option for frustrated students that were old enough to understand what was going on or unfortunate enough to grow up in the middle of the wrong side.
They had started off small, with Holly teaching them herself from her own research and lived experience. Now they were moving on to greater feats of magic with more of a focus on specialisation. They were starting to incorporate transfiguration and potions in their defensive spell work and were even incorporating strategy and battle planning into their training. In case we need it, Hermione had said and with which Holly had agreed. Today they were on their fifth lesson around the Patronus charm, which Holly had been holding off in teaching them because she needed to know that they were ready. She needn't have worried because everyone had shown an amazing amount of strength and magical capacity during the last few lessons. Fred especially had impressed her.
Flashback –
"Oi Potter, what do you think of that?" he called out to Holly, who was making the round during their third lesson on the charm.
"Now I'm impressed," she said, working her way around a practicing student to stand by Fred.
"Alright, alright," Fred said, leaving his Patronus to drift off into vapour. "Don't get too excited there."
She just laughed, shoving Fred lightly on the shoulder. "You know full well how impressive I find you Weasley, your ego needs no help from me. Besides, you're exceptionally gifted with magic and you know it."
"There, that's more like it," he replied, putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her in to his body. "Was that so hard love?"
Flashback –
Smiling to herself at the happy memory, her attention got caught by the Saint Bernard that was running around the room, having sprung forth from Neville's wand. All of a sudden, an unexplainable warm feeling burst forth from her chest and Holly knew she had never felt more joy or pride than in that moment. That moment, more than any other, convinced Holly she was doing the right thing. That what they were fighting for was worth the pain and the struggle. Looking around at her peers, friends and students, she knew she had to be honest with them.
"Alright everyone, eyes on me, I've got one last thing to say before we finish for the night," she called out loudly, hustling up to stand on the elevated platform at the front of the room.
"What's wrong Holly?" Hermione asked, moving to stand at the front of the large group.
Holly just grinned at her friend and nodded. "Everything is more than okay Mi, I just wanted to share with the group how extremely impressed and proud I was of them."
"Going soft on us now Potter?" Blaise Zabini asked from her right, smirking as she met his gaze head on with a twinkle in her own.
"I just might be Zabini," she replied, sending him a genuine smile before turning to face everyone. "I'm not sure if you all recognise what you have achieved this year, but it is truly unbelievable. Watching you all and seeing how far you've come makes my heart jump with joy; it is uplifting in a way I didn't realise it could be to work with you all on this mission. But I wanted to match your courage and bravery and share with you the true reason I began this collective."
She could see people pressing closer, eager to hear the rest of the story. Unlike all the times she'd been on their end, listening to Dumbledore rattle off yet another platitude, she could feel the energy and spirit rolling off these students. It was that, more than anything, that told her she had to be honest with them.
"You see, for a long time I was alone," she began. "I didn't have anyone to stand beside me and protect me. Then I made three exceptional friends and my life improved in ways I only ever dreamed about."
"Love you too Potter!" George called out from someone in the back, getting a laugh from the group.
"Cheers Georgie," she responded merrily. "But even with these friends and this new support system, I still felt unable to let people in. I couldn't let them see what was going on in my head and heart because I was terrified of my entire life. So, I was the good girl Dumbledore wanted me to be, solving problems year after year and only coming back for me every time. Then this summer changed everything for me – I finally realised I'd had enough. No one believed me at first, thought I'd come around to their way of thinking. But now they know that I won't be going back to what once was. Through your strength and your energy, I am finally able to let go of the bindings that held me back and move on with my life, loving and protecting those I care about."
She took a breath, tears beginning to pool in her eyes as she thought of all she had now. Fred stepped closer to the platform, holding his hand out to take hers and which she gave him gladly. "I've got you Hol," he whispered so only she could hear. She squeezed his hand back, returning her gaze to the rest of the room.
"I just wanted to share that with you all, let you know that you have all given me the conviction to let all my doubts go and fully accept my strength and power. Now that this is out in the open and now that I've seen the way you've committed to the ideas, I've shared with you all, I know I can't hold it back anymore. You deserve to have a teacher and a friend that is as dedicated to you as you are to them. With all of you standing beside me, I finally feel supported enough to joyously jump into this challenge that lies ahead. Even though Dumbledore's golden girl is gone, I'm swearing to you all that I will always be here to stand before you, ready to protect you. Here is where I stand and here is where I'll stay."
No one said anything for a brief moment before George started clapping from where he was walking through the crowd, heading towards the three of us. Slowly but surely others joined in (to my brief embarrassment) and once more her heart filled with joy. But it wasn't simply joy that powered through her veins – it was determination. She was determined to keep her promises, to never go back to the person she once was. She was no longer a follower but a leader, one that would devoutly fight for what she believed in.
As the people around them continued their clapping, Holly met Fred's eyes, seeing a particular softness in them that she knew was reserved for a select few people. It was that look that fully convinced her, making her jump for joy quite literally into Fred's arms.
We can actually do this, she realised.
"Well, I've got to say Potter, now I'm impressed," Fred said, pulling back from the embrace enough to meet her eye and grin. Returning the grin, she parroted his quip back to him.
"Don't get too excited Weasley, we've only just started."