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Sakuragi Hanamichi is quicker to anger than a jackrabbit on steroids. This is a fact. His anger manifests itself in only one, predictable means: violence, both verbal and physical (on himself and others, usually the latter). Whenever someone makes him angry, his first (only) reaction is to jump to fisticuffs with the offender until one of them stumbles away with a severe limp. Another fact- the one with the severe limp is never Sakuragi.
Now however, while he is positively puce with indignation and fury, he has yet to throw even a single punch.
"You..."
Before him, Rukawa Kaede sits in complete stony silence, looking bored and utterly unapologetic.
"You. Dammit, you stupid FOX. I can't believe that you--" Sakuragi squeezes his eyes shut, unable to believe the words about to come out of his mouth.
Rukawa summarizes his justification in four words. "Sendoh is a pervert."
Sakuragi explodes. "YOU WERE BREAKING AND ENTERING INTO MY CUSTOMER'S HOME--"
"--It's for your safety, idiot."
"--INSTALLED A CAMERA IN HIS BEDROOM--"
"--They were precautionary measures."
"--AND THEN WATCHED THE GODDAMN VIDEOS WITH MY HARD-EARNED HOME THEATER SYSTEM!"
"If you must know, I'm not doing this for enjoyment - I almost lost my lunch when I saw what Sendoh was hiding in that drawer."
Sakuragi almost asks what it is Sendoh's hiding and shuts his mouth quickly, because that's what the sneaky fox wants- to distract the tensai from the fact that Rukawa, for all intents and purposes, has gone completely insane. "IF YOU GET CAUGHT AND I LOSE THIS JOB THIS IS ALL GOING TO BE YOUR FAULT YOU CRAZY-- "
The wall gets its twenty seventh crack in the week.
"POSSESSIVE--"
A table is upended.
"--STUPID FOX!"
The third hard object is thrown at Rukawa's head (a clipboard this time), and Sakuragi stomps to the nearest wall and gives it a resounding headbutt. He is acting like a psycho. Good.
Rukawa scowls and rubs his forehead, where the clipboard hit him. "If you'd just keep your services inside the clinic, this would have all been avoided," he says, in the tones of someone who is convinced that he is being perfectly reasonable.
Hanamichi gapes at him, his mind threatening to short-circuit at the absolute, colossal nerve. "Are you actually telling me that this is MY FAULT?" he all but screeches.
Rukawa is admittedly one of the worst students in Shohoku High, but he is smart enough to know that the answer to that question is not 'yes.' "No. Like I said, it's that no-good, pervert Sendoh's fault."
"Just because he's always availing of the full-body special does NOT mean that he's a pervert."
"He is. He keeps making those stupid orgasm faces when you rub his neck muscles."
Sakuragi feels his mind's eye melt. "HOW DO YOU EVEN- ARGH- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
Rukawa sighs, wondering how his boyfriend could possibly be this blind and delusional to the intentions of men who are not Rukawa. "Look," he says instead, going for a different tack. "It's not like I've been caught."
"AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?"
"Keep yelling do'aho, people from Tibet will hear eventually."
Sakuragi abruptly shuts his mouth. "You are trying to ruin my life."
Rukawa rolls his eyes. "I just want to make sure no one tries to take advantage of your stupidity." He realizes this is not the smartest thing to say and hurriedly adds, "You almost fell for the trap of that American gaijin, Okita."
"What." Sakuragi blinks. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"He almost convinced you that a handjob is a legitimate form of 'sensual massage.'"
"Wait wait." Things are moving too fast for Sakuragi to follow. "I never told you about that. How did you-" Sakuragi's face suddenly contorts in that rare moment where his mind starts adding two and two and then rapidly concludes that the answer is four. "YOU MEAN THERE ARE OTHERS?!"
Rukawa shrugs. "I don't take any chances."
"Who," Sakuragi is shaking. "Else."
"Maki, Fujima, Okita, Hanagata," Rukawa ticks off the list with his fingers, oblivious to the way Sakuragi's face goes redder and redder with each name.
"Mitsui-senpai, Kogure-senpai, Mito-"
"YOHEI?"
"Oh, and Akagi."
Sakuragi chokes back a scream. "You put a surveillance camera in Gori's BEDROOM? Are you kidding me?"
Rukawa wrinkles his nose in distaste. "Not him. The sister."
Sakuragi's world then erupts in a violent burst of hellfire and brimstone. Flaming debris and molten chunks of hot rocks fall around him as he flails around, torn between searching for a suitably pointy object to hurl at his stupid boyfriend's face or running out the door and buying the cheapest one-way ticket out of Japan before Akagi finds him and makes him take a sight-seeing trip through a meat chopper.
Rukawa just watches him and his silence is what causes Sakuragi to snap back to reality and lunge forward, fisting his boyfriend's collar and dragging him off the chair. "This is the part where you tell me you're just fucking with me, and that everything is just a great practical joke," he grinds out, the vein on his forehead throbbing dangerously. "If not, I'd better be waking up any time soon. Otherwise..."
Rukawa's gaze is implacable. "Otherwise what?"
"Otherwise, I'm never having sex with you again."
Rukawa wishes he's a better liar. God knows how much effort he made figuring out how to keep Sakuragi in the same room as him long enough to fuck before they killed each other all those months ago. He still doesn't understand why Sakuragi is so mad- Rukawa's methods may be a bit unconventional but it is all done In the Name of Love. And Protection from the Likes of Sendoh and the Evil that He and His Kin Represent of course. "Hanamichi," he says, using the name he reserves for extremely delicate situations like this one. "It's not wise to make life-changing decisions when you're upset."
"UPSET?" Sakuragi shouts, before he remembers he's not supposed to be yelling and lowers his voice with great difficulty. "I'm beyond upset. I'm furious. I want to murder small animals. I want to carve out your spleen with a butter knife."
Rukawa looks far too unconcerned for someone who was freshly threatened with disembowelment via dinner cutlery, but then again, Hanamichi's death threats are things he deals with five times before breakfast. "Alright. I'm sorry," he concedes, more out of lack of energy to keep arguing than any real remorse. "I'll take them out first chance I get. Happy?"
Sakuragi huffs, but he lets Rukawa go. "You'd fucking better. And don't get caught. If you do, I'll deny everything."
Rukawa sits down and makes a big show of deleting the videos from his laptop. "I did find out some useful things you know."
Sakuragi groans. "I don't want to know. Really."
"Mitsui-senpai calls Kogure-senpai the most disgusting nicknames--"
"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW KITSUNE!"
"Kogure-senpai can touch his knees to his ears--"
"OHMYGOD EWWWW SHUTUP SHUT UP-"
"Fujima's into BDSM and Maki likes to call himself Daddy--"
"SOMEONE PLEASE END MY LIFE!"
"And they want me to become the bacon in their double down sandwich."
"LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR - WAIT WHAT?"
Rukawa shrugs, making it clear that he gives this information as much weight as a cold fart. "They want me in a threesome."
Silence. Then Sakuragi growls. "I'm going to kill them."
Works every time. Rukawa fights down a self-satisfied smirk and stands up, wrapping his arms around Sakuragi from behind instead. "See," he says in the most soothing voice he can manage under the circumstances. "The end justifies the means."
The threat of other people's designs on his boyfriend seems to mollify Sakuragi enough to not attempt to shrug out of Rukawa's grabby hands. Or at least that's what Rukawa thinks until Sakuragi straightens up, and very quietly says, "Kitsune, I am still really angry right now, and I still want to smash your face in so I am going to pretend that that's your pencil case jabbing me in the back."
Rukawa bites back a curse as he looks down. Stupid teenage hormones. Brain really needs to lecture Dick about waking up at the most inconvenient times which may result to Body receiving a sound clobbering. "Will you stop being mad at me if I give you a blowjob?"
"Stop trying to seduce me when I'm mad at you! That's cheating!"
Rukawa responds by licking that tiny spot where Sakuragi's ear meets his neck, a move that has been proven to render higher thought functions impossible, though considering this is Sakuragi, higher thought function is usually unlikely anyway. So really, it comes to no surprise when Sakuragi closes his eyes and grudgingly relents.
"You have the rest of the month to clear all the evidence," he says gruffly, trying to compensate for the blush on his cheeks. "And I want a blowjob for each day that that task is not completed."
Rukawa tries not to think what this would mean for his jaw. "Deal."
"Haruko-chan's camera should be the first to go."
"Fine."
"Okay." Sakuragi takes a deep breath and checks his watch. "I have to go. I have a client call in 30 minutes."
Rukawa fights down a growl of displeasure, and grudgingly disentangles himself from Sakuragi. "Who?"
"Okita. And no, I'm not going to give him a 'sensual massage' if that's what you're going to ask."
"Hn. I'll be watching him anyway."
This time, Sakuragi does deck Rukawa, though not as hard as he is capable of doing, because the tensai is a considerate boyfriend and it won't do to have his kitsune nursing a handicap for the promised oral sex later. "You have the rest of the month Kitsune," he calls out as he grabs his things and stomps out the door. "And I expect that blowjob when I get back."
Once the door slams shut, Rukawa reaches into his pocket for his phone, which immediately starts to ring. "Detective," he answers, rubbing his jaw where Sakuragi had hit him, and glaring balefully at the closed door. "Yeah, he found out... Yes, plan B, and don't get caught..."
-fin-