Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles.

The sun was shining as bright as ever, with the palm trees swaying in the slight breeze and the air as pristine as could possibly be.

Inside a building, deep within the city, dwelled two fine, fine young people. One of them was a man, with a reasonably bald head, wearing a nondescript gray jacket as he looked his guest dead in the eyes. His guest, you see, was none other than Fred Armisen, the hit celebrity. And Fred here was getting a bit purple in the face as he chewed his last hot wing.

For the generic bald man, whose name was Sean Evans, this was nothing. But for Fred Armisen?

The two men had just chewed on a chicken wing each, bathed and glorified in the sauce, “The Last Dab Reduxx”, which was more than two million scovilles! And Fred Armisen finally gave in, becoming a sputtering mess as Sean Evans clapped him on the back.

“Whoa, whoa! Take it easy there!” he laughed. Fred Armisen grimaced in pain from the wing. He reached his sweaty, greasy hand for the glass of milk that was already half drunken, and guzzled it with a ferocity that is seen only once in a lifetime. He slammed the sauce-covered glass down and began to wipe his hands on the napkin which lay before him.

“Never,” he began. He struggled to find the words and took a hard, uncomfortable swallow.

“...Never, ever, in my entire LIFE, am I doing that again,” he said. But while he wanted to feel angry, he too found himself laughing, and the two men, Sean Evans and Fred Armisen, broke out into hysterical giggling together, giving one another a hug of friendship.

“You did it, Fred Armisen, you did it!” cried Sean Evans. “You were uncertain at first, and had no clue what you bargained for, but you DID it! You powered through. You ate the wings and put the DAB-“ he slapped his hand down hard on the table as he said “dab” “-on that last one. As a phoenix, given life anew as it rises from its own ashes, you have been reborn remarkably better than you ever were once before.”

Sean Evans paused to catch his breath. Fred Armisen was crying.

“This camera, this camera, and THIS camera,” said Sean Evans as he pointed to the cameras recording the entire ordeal. “Let the people know what’s going on in your life!”

Fred Armisen glanced nervously at the cameras, trying to find the right words to say.

“I...I-I’m live-streaming...” He gulped for air and spoke again.

“I’m live streaming me p-playing Red Dead Redemption 2! C-come to my Twitch channel and check it out!”

Fred Armisen stood up, clapped his hands three times in a distinct, loud way, and dabbed. And the cameras turned off.

Sean Evans bid his guest farewell. He smiled at him as he left the building, but... this smile quickly sank into a frown. Today had been another day filming Hot Ones. And, while it was fun, and he was notoriously good at what he did, Sean Evans felt a certain longing. A longing for something new. Something different. Something...that wouldn’t be the same old, fake interview promotion that happened literally every freaking time.

He walked back to the room where he had dined, feeling defeated. The wings had had no effect on him whatsoever. What a bunch of losers his interviewees were. Always whining and screaming and getting hysterical about a little ol’ hot wing. What, could they not handle two million scovilles or something?! Because Sean Evans sure could, and you know what? It wasn’t hard at all!

He sat in a chair and sighed. A huge sigh it was. One of his assistant filmers and editors, Henry, gazed down at him. He had been busy editing the recent video they had just filmed of Fred Armisen, but upon seeing his longtime friend (and rival) looking so defeated, he knew he needed to offer a hand to help.

“What’s the matter, Sean?” said Henry.

Sean Evans was so bored out of his mind and tired he didn’t even bother to look up. He just stared a blank stare, lost within the depths of his own, semi-endless mind. “Oh, I don’t know, Henry. I just...” he stopped. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. Th-this thing, i-it-“ he stuttered as he spoke.

“...I just need someone different.”

Then, a fiery light flickered within his eyes, and he turned sharply to Henry.

“Give me my laptop. Quick!” He snapped his fingers to get his assistant into action as quickly as possible.

“Oh, uh, right away chief.” Henry retrieved the sleek, silver device from its resting place and carefully bestowed it upon Sean Evans.

Sean quickly opened the thing up.

Who could he search up? Who did he want next?

Sean Evans had always found that, sometimes, he could find the most cunning of inspiration at the most trivial and silly of times. In an effort to instigate a moment such as this, instead of trying to find anyone, he quickly went to YouTube to look at truck videos.

“MAN RIDES ON TOP OF HIS TRUCK LISTENING TO FLORIDA GEORGIA LINE 2018” popped up. It had over 6 million views, so it must have been good. Sean Evans clicked it.

“Hmm...Florida Georgia Line...Florida Georgia Line...” Sean Evans ran that option through his quick- witted mind. They could be good. It wasn’t common to have a duo in for Hot Ones. “Who knows? Maybe they’d bring something brand new to the table! Or should I say... the wing-table!” Sean Evans chuckled at the little joke he made inside his own mind.

Ah, but no. They wouldn’t be good. Maybe someone else...?

Sean Evans was about to search up Jason Aldean music videos to see if maybe HE’D be a good option, when suddenly his truck video ended and an ad loaded in its place.

“Ugh. Stupid ads!” shrieked Sean Evans as he was about to click out of it.

But then he stopped.

“Hey! Searching for a great used car?” The voice was sly. High pitched. There was a certain kindliness to it that would suggest a humble hard-worker; yet hidden beneath this kind exterior lay a certain, manipulative cunning. Whoever this voice belonged to would make a great, great businessman.

Sean Evans was immediately enthralled and captivated. For here he was, staring wide-eyed at a bipedal, talking fox. This fox wore a white shirt, and in great big black lettering were the words “CAR FOX”.

The Car Fox continued. “You got it! Just say, ‘show me millions of used cars for sale’ at the all new CARFAX.com, where now you can search with the power of CARFAX! Just say, ‘show me cars with no accidents reports.’ BOOM! Or how ‘bout, ‘show me cars with only one owner? Pre-tty cool!” He said this last part with vivid relish. “Plus, we’re the only site where you get a free CARFAX report with every car listed. So find the cars you want, avoid the ones you don’t. Start your used car search at CARFAX.com!”

And the ad came to a close, prompting the awfully-cringe music video to Jason Aldean’s “My Kinda Party” to begin playing.

At this, Sean Evans let out a shriek of despair and started insulting the atrocity that was Jason Aldean in every conceivable way. But then he stopped.

...No. I can’t lose my composure, he thought to himself as he took a few deep breaths and closed out of the video and deleted his subsequent search history.

Henry entered the room, his mouth half full with greasy hot dog. “...Ya havin’ any luck there, chief?”

He asked. Sean Evans was focused. More focused than he had been in a long, long time. Still staring intently at his screen, he cracked a sly little half-smile and shook his head. “I know what needs to be done.”

Henry swallowed. “Well, that’s great! So, uh...” He scratched his mop of a head nervously.

“...Who’d you find?” He asked.

And Sean Evans turned in his seat, his laptop in tow with an image of CARFAX’s very own beloved Car Fox on the screen.

“We have to get the Car Fox on the show.”

There was a fire in Sean Evans’s eyes. And they knew what needed to be done.

The plane had arrived at its destination: L.A. And as its doors opened, a colorful crowd of people emerged and poured out. Tourists, businessmen, housewives, stowaways...the kinds of people you’d expect from an everyday airplane.

And if you’re eyes were trained well, you’d see that one of these people wasn’t even a human...but rather, a bipedal fox! He wore his usual attire: his white tennis shoes, his tan pants, his shirt that proudly proclaimed “CAR FOX” in bold letters...

And he wore sunglasses. A slick pair of shades that would have given any popular high school male a run for his freaking money.

He carried with him a lightweight briefcase, as though he were out on a business trip like many of the others who were visiting L.A. Or perhaps it merely served to hold his belongings? In any case, the Car Fox cut quite an interesting little figure, trotting along as he did. Those short legs certainly could carry him far, and swifter than expected to boot!

He took in his surroundings with awe. The bright blue sky, the shining sun...the shimmering sand along the beaches, lined with palm trees swaying in the gentle, relaxing breeze. He had never been to L.A. before, and this was, so far, every bit as magnificent as he imagined it to be. The Car Fox had only ever starred in commercials filmed on the east coast, like in New York or Tennessee or someplace like that. Never anywhere near L.A. Not in a bajillion years. Being here in L.A...THE L.A, it...it reminded him of that Rhode Island gig that he scored that was unfortunately cancelled a few years back.

Nobody questioned the little fox. One kid even saw him and exclaimed, “L-look! It’s the CAR FOX!!!!!!!” And he screamed his heart out and ran full force toward the Car Fox, his arms flailing behind him as though they were boneless. And The Car Fox just smiled. “Hey there, buddy!” he said, his hands instinctively placing themselves on his hips as he stood there, proud. The little boy panted with his head down, gasping for breath and trying to form the perfect words to say to one of his idols. He looked up and gulped. He reached his arm out to the Car Fox.

“Can you...” he began. “Can you SIGN MY ARM?!?!” He was a desperate lad.

And the Car Fox just smiled, chuckled, and took out a pen from his pocket and wrote, “SHOW ME THE CARFAX” on his arm in a perfectly italicized Bahnschrift Light SemiCondensed font.The little boy was on the verge of crying some succulent tears of joy.

“Th...THANK YOU, MR. CAR FOX!” He squealed and ran away.

A crowd of people had formed on the outskirts of the event that just took place, and cheered and clapped. The Car Fox could only give a lighthearted chuckle as he headed toward his destination.

This had to be the most impatient Sean Evans had ever been and ever would be in years to come. He was pacing around the lounge, nervously. What if he forgot all the questions he was supposed to ask?! What if something embarrassing took place and the Car Fox laughed at him? What if the Car Fox choked and died? Then it would be Sean Evans’s fault! HE’D have killed the Car Fox!

Oh no...

What if...

What if...

What if...the Car Fox didn’t like Sean Evans?

At this thought, Sean Evans nearly went blue in the face and passed out head first into one of his favorite couch pillows. No...no, it’ll be okay, he tried to convince himself. Everything was all set. He knew what questions to ask and how to keep the conversation going. Everything was set up: the laptop with pictures from the Car Fox’s Instagram, the sauces, those specially cooked, specially-requested boneless chicken nuggets that were shaped like various cars...

There was a knock on the door and Sean Evans squealed with pure delight.

But, lo in behold, it wasn’t the Car Fox that walked in, but Henry! Sean Evans scowled with furiousness. “Sorry I’m late,” said Henry as sweat streamed down his face. “I swear it won’t happen again.”

“HENRY!” Shouted Sean Evans.

“The Car Fox is supposed to show up at any time, and we were all set hours ago! Everyone else is here already, cameras prepared!!!” He sighed and sat down.

Then he shook his head and sighed. “You know the drill, Henry. You show up late, and I...” Sean Evans reached into his wallet to hold up a dollar bill. “I’ll detract from your paycheck.” He tore the dollar bill in half.

Henry gulped nervously. “Y...yes, boss...!” He ran onto the set to film with his mates.

Sean Evans simply sighed as he sat on his chair. But then...

Ding Dong! The doorbell rang!

“HAHA! OF COURSE! OF COURSE THE CAR FOX IS POLITE ENOUGH TO RING THE DOORBELL!” Sean Evans screamed with ferocious delight. He hastily ran to the door, and sure enough...

He opened it to find himself looking down at the chubby, red and white-furred fox. He looked so much better than he did in those commercials and on Google Images. His bold shirt spoke volumes about his character.

And the Car Fox simply looked up at Sean Evans, dead in the face, and smoothly removed his shades, revealing a pair of extremely beady eyes, set deeply in his wide, furry face.

No words were spoken. The two simply stared at each other, dead in the eyes. A smile crept onto both of their faces simultaneously, and they burst into laughter together.

And then they embraced. “It’s wonderful to see you, Car Fox!” cried Sean Evans with joy.

The Car Fox chuckled. “You didn’t think I’d miss a chance to be on Hot Ones with THE Sean Evans, did you?!”he proclaimed.

Already, a friendship had been formed. And Sean Evans just said, “Come, come,” and ushered him inside.

As they walked to the set, with the dining table and its array of hot sauces and chicken nuggets, the Car Fox was met in awe with the sight of various cameramen and helpers around the set. Sean Evans quickly rushed to his side of the table and sat down, and he could barely contain himself. The Car Fox jumped up onto his seat, and the two were sitting across from one another, face to face.

It was happening alright.

“You guys good?” asked the lead director of the show.

Sean Evans and the Car Fox simultaneously both said “You bet!”

The director simply smiled. “Alright then. And...ACTION!”

This would be one to remember.

Chapter Text

Sean Evans began. “Hey what’s going on everybody, from First We Feast I’m Sean Evans, and you’re watching Hot Ones. It’s the show with hot questions and even hotter wings. And today,” he paused, his hands making all sorts of iconic gestures, “I am joined by the Car Fox!”

The Car Fox just chuckled and blushed and narrowed his beady little eyes at the table, uncharacteristically embarrassed at the praise Sean Evans was giving him.

Sean Evans continued.

“You may know him as that handsome chap of a fox that appears in all those CARFAX commercials on TV. And who could forget that iconic catchphrase of his?” Sean’s gaze intensified, and the Car Fox suddenly got a wide-eyed grin as he realized what was coming.

They exclaimed it together. “SHOW ME THE CARFAX!!!”

And Sean Evans squealed with delight as he sat back in his chair, laughing like mad, clapping his hands together. The Car Fox wasn’t much different. He sat in his seat, chuckling it up like mad.

They loved it.

Sean Evans brushed a tear out of his eye and got back on point. “Oh, what good fun that was. But back to the point, Car Fox – how are you with hot food?”

For this show, it was the question to end all questions.

But the Car Fox handled it with a certain smugness that would catch any mafia boss off guard. “Oh, well, I wouldn’t say I’m the best when it comes to hot food…” he chuckled his signature chuckle. But then his brow narrowed, and a sharp light gleamed in his eye, showing that he meant business. “But I wouldn’t call myself one to back down from a challenge either!”

Boy, was he confident. He radiated pure energy. More so then any other guest thus far, to the point where even Sean Evans was momentarily taken aback and left cowering in his seat, if only for a second or two. The cameramen loved it. “Oooooh!” they all chanted together at the Car Fox’s proclamation. Some even clapped. “Yeah, you go and get it, Car Fox!” cheered the cameraman Slick, nicknamed as such for his style.

Sean Evans regained his composure and laughed. “Well, I guess we’ll see if you’re up to the challenge then!” He hoped with all his heart that he would be. It would be bad if he wasn’t…

The two were then instructed to leave their seats, for now the crew needed to film the opening sequence, showcasing all ten sauces and all ten car-shaped chicken nuggets, followed by a quick, smug-looking shot of Sean Evans and the Car Fox, back to back with one another with their arms folded.  And now, it was time to begin the feasting.

They resumed their seats.

Sean Evans picked up his first chicken nugget. It was quite limp and boneless, being dunked in a bowl of sauce and subsequently put in the microwave to heat it up. He figured it’d be best to put the whole thing in his mouth at once, leaving behind no leftovers whatsoever.

Before digging in, the Car Fox analyzed the bottle of sauce. It was the weakest sauce, coming to a mere 1,800 scovilles. The Car Fox seemed more amused than anything. He chuckled. “’The Classic’ huh?  Is this stuff even spicy?”

Sean Evans just laughed. “Try it and see.”

The Car Fox grabbed his chicken nugget and, as his mouth was actually kind of small, he just nibbled on it, quick as a flea. He was just nibbling and nibbling. He nibbled on the nugget’s headlights and its wheels, coming to a pause when all that remained was the engine. He then put the wing back down where it had rested before.

Sean Evans eyed the Car Fox curiously. “So, how’s that one for ya?” he asked.

The Car Fox merely looked up, as though lost in thought. It actually seemed a bit on the spicy side to him, despite it not actually being all that spicy, but he was reluctant to admit the truth.

His beady little eyes glanced back at Sean Evans, and he chuckled a bit. “Heh…Off to a good start! I liked it! I liked it a lot!” He clapped his little paw-hands together rapidly to show his appreciation for the sauce.

Sean Evans gave a sigh of relief. Glad he’s one of the good ones, he thought. But something made him uneasy nonetheless.

In any case, it was time to pop the first question.

“What does this jingle mean to you? ‘For a great low rate you can go online, go to the General and save some time!’” He had spent countless hours rehearsing that one.

The Car Fox immediately lost his smile and began to scowl furiously. “Oh, lord, I HATE the General!” he screamed. Sean Evans snickered. It was the reaction he had been expecting. “I hate him so much! He’s bad for my business!” The Car Fox began pounding his little paw-fists on the table in anger, causing the chicken nuggets on his end of the table to bounce a little. Sean Evans tried to calm him down.

“Whoa, whoa, slow down there, it’s alright, it’s alright, shh…it’s okay, it’s okay! You know what?” Sean Evans paused. The Car Fox merely glanced at him, a scowl still on his face..

“I hate the General too! I hate him so much! I wish he’d just leave our solar system and not come back!” Sean Evans was very expressive with his hand motions. This got the Car Fox to cheer up a bit. “Heh, alright, alright, thanks…” he paused. “Truth is, I feel bad for acting the way I just did. I’m sure the General’s not a bad guy, but…” he stopped. “You just can’t deny that CARFAX is the way to go! You know?” He awaited Sean Evans’s reaction. Sean Evans simply nodded. “…I agree with you. One hundred percent, I agree with you.”

At this, the Car Fox smiled again.

It was time for the second wing.

Chapter Text

The sauce label read “Sauce Bae Skinny Habanero”,  and it was 2,500 scovilles. Sean Evans readily grabbed his nugget and popped it into his mouth. Once again, the Car Fox grabbed hold of the hot sauce. He took a deep whiff of the stuff. “Hm…! Pineapple flavored,” he chuckled as he set it down. Sean Evans munched away. The Car Fox grabbed his nugget, purged in the sauce. It…it’s only 2,500 scovilles, silly, he thought to himself. Yet he hesitated, and a bead of sweat dripped from the end of his vulpine nose onto the nugget he held. Sean Evans took note of this, and he began to worry. Was this boisterous little fox not up to the challenge after all?

But the Car Fox laughed. “It’ll take more than a little pineapple nugget to do me in!” he proclaimed with great enthusiasm. He popped the sucker right into his mouth, and he voraciously chewed, trying his hardest to ignore the repulsive pineapple taste and its accompanied spice which were carefully laced onto the soft, squishy meat. He took a hard swallow. Already, his vision was deteriorating, and everything in his sight gained a murky, greenish hue. Only the man in front of him, the glorious bald-headed man, Sean Evans, remained as pristine as ever amidst the enclosing darkness.

Sean Evans gulped. “So, how’s that one for you?” he asked.

“…Oh.  OH! This one…” began the Car Fox. “It’s really got a pineapple-y kick to it, doesn’t it?!” He spoke too enthusiastically and violently. It was obvious he was trying to cover up some dark secret. He lurched forward in his seat and eyed the other eight wings extremely intently. Sean Evans pretended not to notice anything was off, and asked the next question.

“So, I’ve seen a few of your commercials. You’re a pretty popular little guy, given how you always carefully instruct unsuspecting people on what is undoubtedly THE way to go when they want to find a great deal for a great used car.” He stopped, glad to know that he had the Car Fox’s unyielding attention.

“Would you say that any one of the commercials you’ve been in has stood out to you in particular? And if so, why?”

The Car Fox gave his signature chuckle, a lighthearted sound that had come to sound like absolute music to Sean Evans’s ears. He responded, though he clearly gave a great deal of effort to do so.

“It’s rather unfortunate, because…because this commercial actually never aired.” He looked lost in thought at the memory. “ But there was this one we filmed, back…back in Missouri, which is actually where I’m from.”

He began to recount it all. “The filming actually took place in a forest.”  The Car Fox began to tear up. Whether it was from the hotness or the recollection of the memory was uncertain.

Sean Evans was quite surprised to say the least. He raised his eyebrows and made that one frowny look, as though impressed by what he was hearing. “..Go on,” he said.

The Car Fox took a deep breath. “Anyway, this…this forest…this forest…it…we filmed it in this forest. No set. No props, no nothin’. And…get this…Adam Sandler himself was in this commercial!”

The Car Fox immediately sat up and gave quite a hearty laugh. He chuckled it up. He clapped his hands and beamed so joyously that he was contagious, and Sean Evans found himself likewise beaming and laughing and clapping his own hands in the same exact way. The cameramen all stifled their laughter, watching the two laugh and clap, laugh and clap, perfectly in sync, mirroring one another’s movements.

The Car Fox resumed speaking, and Sean Evans immediately stopped laughing and clapping. “So the purpose of this commercial was to advertise this new ‘Dual Mode’ feature that CARFAX was adding. It would allow you to select not one, but two cars to buy at once! And in our commercial, Adam Sandler was lost in the woods, and he needed a car to drive away. However, he couldn’t decide between the two cars that I, the Car Fox, was offering him. So he just said, ‘Know what?! I’ll get BOTH!’”

At this Sean Evans burst into laughter. The Car Fox chuckled. “I know. Pretty funny, right?”

And then he sighed. “Unfortunately, CARFAX’s Dual Mode feature didn’t work out. So, the commercial was canned.”

Sean Evans agreed. “Yeah, it’s really sad that beautiful things like this sometimes just don’t get to see the light of day.”

The Car Fox looked at him, wide-eyed, and smiled. “I know, RIGHT?! Looks like that’s one thing you and I can agree on!”

The two laughed a mirthful laugh together.

Onto the third wing.

Chapter Text

The third car-shaped chicken nugget had been doused in the sauce, “Heartbeat Hot Sauce: Pineapple Habanero.” Number of Scovilles? 12,200.

The Car Fox took a glance at it and gave a comical, heaving sigh. “Another Pineapple one, huh? Ick!” He stuck out his little tongue and flicked his paw-hands around, showing his disgust.

Sean Evans chuckled. His appreciation for the little fox was only growing. “Wait until you see how hot it his!” he said, shoving the liquidy, pineapple-flavored sauce-covered chicken nugget into his mouth, the sauce so thick and liquidy it spewed out everywhere as he chewed it, getting on his fingers and clothes. The Car Fox eyed the yellow stuff which lay thick on Sean Evans’s big tongue with awe.

Tentatively, he picked up his own nugget, and nibbled it a bit before he had to put it back down. Oh, no… he thought, his mind becoming a soggy, mushy mess. Sean Evans took no notice of this and asked the question.

“So I heard you struggled with obesity in the past. Is that true?”

No reply from the near comatose Car Fox.

Sean Evans continued. “As someone who has quite obviously overcome obesity, what advice could you maybe give to people who are struggling now?”

“Um…Sean?” asked the cameraman Keizer, who always acted as the voice of reason amidst the crew.

Sean Evans continued, his irritation, worry, and anger no longer suppressible. “A-answer me! Please! ANSWER ME, CAR FOX!”

The Car Fox merely slumped in his seat, his eyelids half-closed.

Everyone in the room was getting worried. Something was wrong.

“S-sean…” began a cameraman.

Sean Evans was about to burst into tears…his hands covering his mouth, his face reddening in sadness and shame…

“We need to call an ambulance,” said Henry.

Sean Evans glanced at everyone nervously. It was as he feared…

But then time seemed to stop.

Sean Evans entered a strange state of clarity amidst the ensuing chaos. Suddenly, he felt calm. The tears stopped welling in his eyes. He no longer shook. His anger melted away, absorbed by the cool clarity that had overtaken his mind and body.

At that moment in time…Sean Evans could have literally done anything.

Anything.

He could have destroyed worlds. He could have built worlds. He could have ended world hunger. He could have ended all war and conflict.

He could have brought even the dead back to life.

And it was at this moment of pure, enlightened clarity, that Sean remembered something…

Something that he had been told…

No…

Something he had been entrusted with, ten years prior…

He couldn’t remember exactly who revealed it to him. An old man, perhaps? The details had grown hazy as the years passed. Had it really happened, or was it a dream? What were the circumstances that surrounded the incident?

It was impossible to tell now. It wasn’t what mattered.

What mattered was the skill that had been imparted to him during that time:

The Act of the Blood Oath.

Suddenly, at this very thought, Sean Evans found himself back on the set, the crew freaking out and the Car Fox laying in front of him.

No words escaped Sean Evans’s lips as he reached behind his back.

No questions were asked as he pulled out the knife from its secret hiding place.

In a mysterious surge of strength, Sean Evans raised his blade up, and a light from above made it gleam like a star on a cold, black night.

With a cry that is undoubtedly the most powerful noise comprehensible by any living creature in the universe, Sean Evans plunged the knife deep into the center of the table, symbolically cleaving time and space in two, and a pure white light enveloped him and the Car Fox.

The Car Fox stirred. Where was he? What had just happened?

His eyes were closed, and he debated opening them up. He liked this feeling. He felt warm, and cozy…

He felt great.

He opened his eyes to find that he was being cradled by someone.

He looked up.

It was Sean Evans.

Sean Evans was cradling the Car Fox in his arms.

As they made eye contact, a smile slowly spread to Sean Evans’s face. The Car Fox found himself grinning as well.

“…You’re late,” said Sean Evans, as though he were playfully scolding the Car Fox.

The Car Fox scowled. “The Car Fox is never late, Sean Evans, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.”

The two continued to stare into one another’s faces, unblinking and unflinching. Their grins only widened and they burst into giggling, finally breaking out into full on laughter.

The Shire music began to play.

“It’s wonderful to see you, Car Fox!” cried Sean Evans, tears streaming down his face as he embraced the Car Fox in a full on bear hug. Compared to the comical little fox, Sean Evans was quite like a bear.

The Car Fox chuckled. “You didn’t think I’d miss a chance to be on Hot Ones with THE Sean Evans, did you?!” he exclaimed.

It was a touching moment. The two friends simultaneously both thought, Oh, how wonderful it would be if this moment could last forever…

The Car Fox finally broke free of Sean Evans’s tight hugging and looked around.

“Where are we?” he asked.

It was a good question. From what the Car Fox could see, they were in some sort of meadow. It seemed quite peaceful. The trees were a beautiful, bright green color. Everything looked so vivid and serene. No animals were in sight, and their sounds could not be heard. This place was quiet. Not at all like Los Angeles. 

The Car Fox looked defiantly at Sean Evans, a smirk sneaking onto his wide face as he placed his hands on his hips, both proud and accusing. “Alright, who are you and what have you done with Sean Evans? This doesn’t look like L.A. to me!”

At this, Sean Evans sighed. He still smiled though.

“I gotta admit, I’m a bit surprised myself. I had no clue what to expect.”

He glanced around thoughtfully, and the Car Fox could tell that he, too, didn’t quite know everything that was happening.

The Car Fox began to think. “What happened to me? I remember biting into that third wing, the pineapple-covered 12,200 scoville chicken nugget, and then…” he paused.

He looked up. “I don’t remember anything after that.”

Sean Evans sighed. “The truth is…and I hate to admit it, but…”

He looked at the Car Fox, and was reluctant to injure the chap’s pride.

“You’re just not built to handle hot wings.”

The Car Fox was taken aback.

“…Excuse me?” he asked.

Sean Evans tried to play it safe. “Look, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Really, it’s not anything anyone should care about too much. It’s literally just hot food. That’s it. That’s all it is. You think I’m proud of my talent?” he asked.

The Car Fox had no clue what to say.

Sean Evans continued, pacing around. “You think I’m proud of myself just because I was born equipped to handle spicy food?” He paused.

“Nuh-uh, pal. Nuh-uh. There’s plenty of other talents I’d rather have than this one. Like being a good salesman,” he pointed at the Car Fox.

The Car Fox stopped to think, and nodded. He was a pretty good – no, really good salesman.

Sean Evans stopped. “Look. I’ll answer your question.”

He glanced around. “This is the ethereal plane…well, our ethereal plane, that is.”

The Car Fox was confused. “Ethereal plane?” he asked.

Sean Evans nodded.

“Yep. Everybody has one. You, me, and even side characters like Henry and Adam Sandler. Everybody’s got one.” Including Jason Aldean, Sean Evans shuddered at the thought of that one.

“This forest we’re standing in is our ethereal plane. Since I brought you here, our ethereal planes have been combined, and this atmosphere is the result.”

The Car Fox looked around in awe.

“…Wow,” he uttered.

Sean Evans nodded with a smirk on his face, clearly proud of his handiwork.

The Car Fox hastily turned to Sean Evans. “How’d you do it? How’d we get here?”

Sean Evans glanced around, lost in thought.

“…I don’t know. It all happened so fast…I…”

He continued. “A long time ago, someone taught me how to do this. I don’t know the details, but…”

He turned to face the Car Fox directly. “If we’re gonna do this thing… if we’re gonna have a good Hot Ones episode, and you’re gonna make it through…”

He paused, and a somewhat devilish look came into his eyes.

“We’ll need to perform a Blood Oath.”

The Car Fox swallowed. “A WHAT Oath?!” he exclaimed.

Sean Evans sighed, tired of explaining everything. “Look, you can’t handle hot wings and that’s a fact. So, we need to perform a Blood Oath so that I’ll be able to share the pain you feel – you know, take it off your shoulders a bit.”

He paused to move his neck from side to side, for it had grown quite sore from looking down at the Car Fox so much. “That way, it won’t be too much for you. You’ll make it through, and we’ll have a good show.”

The Car Fox thought about it. He had a concern. “But what about YOU? Won’t it make things harder for you if we do this?”

But Sean Evans just laughed and smirked even harder. “Oh, trust me, Car Fox. I’ve been craving a real challenge for a long, long time.”

At this, the Car Fox was slightly intimidated. But also relieved.

“Well…okay. Let’s do this, then!” The Car Fox smacked his paw-hands together, psyched and pumped and hyped to get a move on.

Sean Evans reached behind his back and pulled out the knife. “Okay…you ready?”

The Car Fox was nervous, but ready. He may not have been able to handle a hot, sauce-dunked, car-shaped chicken nugget, but a knife wound? Easy.

“Shouldn’t hurt all that much,” muttered Sean Evans.

“Lay out your arm like this.” He instructed the Car Fox. The two both held out their forearms together.

Sean Evans took a deep breath, and then spoke.

“Oh, ancient spirit…through the power of bonds and triumph, entwine our beings together! Let us share our pain…Let us share our strength! Let us overcome our trials…TOGETHER!”

And Sean Evans slashed his and the Car Fox’s forearms together in one swift motion. A vivid, red fluid spewed out of them, but it wasn’t blood, and it didn’t hurt all that much. If anything, it was spiritual energy…

The Car Fox watched in awe as the spiritual energy spewing out from him and Sean Evans intertwined, forming what appeared to be a phoenix, flying high into the air before it let out a cry of power and combusted into ashes.

The Car Fox felt strong…really strong. And Sean Evans felt the same.

The deed was done.

The Car Fox looked to see that a strange marking was seared into Sean Evans’s forearm where he had slashed with the knife. It looked to be a wing, presumably of the phoenix that had been borne from their Blood Oath.

Turning his own forearm over, the Car Fox was shocked to see that the same image was seared into his skin, though it was inverted, as though it was the opposite wing.

Sean Evans noticed. “This mark is proof of our Blood Oath. Of our bond,” he said.

The Car Fox glanced up. “What if somebody notices?”

Sean Evans laughed. “They won’t notice as long as you don’t show them.”

He leaned in close, and the Car Fox realized he liked the feeling of Sean Evans’s breath close on his furry face. “It’ll be our little secret.”

And then, the Car Fox found himself falling.

The crew were relieved when the Car Fox opened his eyes, tired though he seemed. “Heh, looks like you don’t have to call an ambulance after all,” joked Slick, jabbing Keizer with his elbow. Sean Evans sat there with a look of uttermost calm. The Car Fox seemed to try and focus. He mumbled a bit. “Hey…Sean…” the words quietly escaped his lips. Sean Evans smiled in relief. “Glad to have you back with us, man,” he said, clapping the Car Fox on the back. The Car Fox sat jolted in his seat. As Sean Evans touched him, a wave of energy coursed through his entire body.

He was ready for anything.

He smirked – at Sean Evans, at the nuggets in front of him, and at all three cameras too. “Well, let me tell you – it’s good to be back!”

He looked quite triumphant. “That third nugget was a piece of cake! Easy! I could handle a thousand of those bad boys!” He looked around, daring anyone to challenge him. Nobody could match his level of passion. “So, lay it on me! What do we have next?”

He looked at Sean Evans.

“Oh, in regards to your question? Beat obesity through willpower and eat what’s instructed of you. That’s what I did, and look at me now!” he gave a hearty chuckle.

Sean Evans smiled and clapped. “That’s what the people need to hear, Car Fox! You go get ‘em!”

The Car Fox bowed, filled with pride. “Thank you,” he said.

It was time for wing number four.

Chapter Text

“Oh boy, I really hope that this one’s a spicy peppermint sauce instead of another pineapple one…” said the Car Fox with a gloomy sigh.

Sean Evans just laughed. “Ha! Maybe you’ll be able to help me make one!”

The two chuckled together.

But no, the fourth sauce was the “Hot Ones Fiery Chipotle Sauce”, sitting at a nifty li’l 15,600 scovilles.

The Car Fox read the label and was immediately relieved, as could be seen from his cute little sigh and his cute little grin that overtook his foxy face.

Sean Evans was glad to see him so chipper.

The Car Fox immediately dug into his nugget.

His eyes were closed with delight, and for the first time, he seemed to enjoy what he was eating. “Mmm, mmm, Mmmmm! Now, this is what I like!” said the Car Fox delectably, pointing with his finger at the dripping nugget as saucy saliva drizzled off of his canines and onto his prized CAR FOX shirt, staining it with grease and passion.

Sean Evans picked up his own squishy, 1990 Chevy Sprint-shaped nugget, coated in the exact same, delicious, non-pineapple sauce, and took a bite.

He almost puked the whole thing out onto his plate. What the heck?! Dang! This thing was WAY hotter than expected! He grimaced as he swallowed the wretched meat chunk. The Car Fox took notice of his pain and chuckled. “You good there, chief?” he said in a playful, mocking tone. “Look at how the tables have turned!”

…Was it true? Was the Car Fox…actually taunting Sean Evans?! Impossible...! U-unthinkable!

Sean Evans could only painfully smirk as he eyed the Car Fox and licked the sauce still clinging to the edges of his mouth with that big, sweaty tongue. “Well, now…I haven’t felt anything as spicy as this puppy since I was a kid!” Sean Evans laughed.

The Car Fox just eyed him.

Sean Evans stared back.

The Car Fox raised an eyebrow. “So…”

Sean Evans scowled. “…What?”

The Car Fox reached out his hand, as though he were expecting payment of some sort. “Cough it up, big guy, cough it up. Do you got a question for me, or what?”

Sean Evans shamefully sighed. Crap. This sucked! He must’ve had stage fright or something, because he couldn’t remember his question! Looks like he’d have to make one up…

Luckily, improvisation was second nature to Sean Evans. He just chuckled a bit and said, “Oh, stop. Of course I’ve got a question, silly guy!”

Think…THINK!

“So…” he began.

“I’m sure you’ve traveled far, being the celebrity that you are. You’re known for originating in Missouri, and have gone from New York to Virginia to South Carolina to Ghana, Africa of all places! Be real here: is there a place you haven’t been? If so, where would you like to go? And how has L.A. so far been different from all the other places you’ve visited?”

The Car Fox sighed.

“You know…I don’t tell this to a lot of people, but I really wanted to go to Rhode Island. That place is, like…” he couldn’t find the words to describe it. Sean Evans merely nodded solemnly. “That was my dream! Go to Rhode Island, tell the natives there all about CARFAX and the great deals you can get from us…I mean, right?”

Sean Evans held out his fist for a fist bump. “I got you, man. I got you.”

The Car Fox wiped a tear from his eye, and Sean Evans was alarmed. “C-careful, Car Fox! D-don’t get s-sauce in your e-eye like that!!!”

But the Car Fox chuckled. “Heh. Don’t worry! My fur’s already soaked up all the sauce!”

Sean Evans let out a sigh of relief.

The Car Fox continued. “But anyway…yeah, though! L.A’s awesome, man! I love it here! It’s like, even better than Rhode Island! And I thought that’d be impossible!”

The Car Fox sighed. “But you know what?”

“…what?” asked Sean Evans.

The Car Fox looked at him, quite lovingly. “It’s awesome because you’re here. You’re the best part of L.A. in my book, Sean Evans!”

Sean Evans felt himself blush. Oh, Car Fox…L.A. wouldn’t be the same without you either…

The two stared at each other for…what was definitely way too long. The editors made a point right then to cut out the extra time when they would post the video to YouTube.

It was time for the fifth wing, and even better…

It was time for Explain That ‘Gram.

Chapter Text

The next sauce was the “Dirty Dick’s Hot Pepper Sauce With a Tropical Twist”, which was 21,000 scovilles. The hotness was slowly, but surely, beginning to spike.

The Car Fox eyed the sauce, and then turned his gaze to Sean Evans, who held his limp 2018 Ford Flex-shaped chicken nugget apprehensively, as though he were lost in thought. Nervously, Sean Evans took a bite of the stuff, and his face scrunched up in pain as he forcibly chewed and swallowed the gosh-darn thing. Yep, it was hot, alright. Sean Evans, the man himself, who had built up an immunity to hot and spicy wings long ago, was struggling in a way he never had before. It didn’t feel good. Is this…? He thought.

Is this how…they all felt? My interviewees? I once laughed at them for being weak, but now…

Could it be? Was Sean Evans having a change of heart?

Was the ice that had grown thick and solid over his heart starting to melt out of empathy?

…

And, to think, it wouldn’t have been possible if not for his bond with the Car Fox…

The Car Fox dug right in. “…Yep,” he said, chewing his nugget. “This is gettin’ hot, alright. How you holding up there, Sean?” he asked, genuinely concerned and not mocking him this time.

Sean Evans swallowed and coughed and laughed, all at once. “Hoo, boy, I’ve been doing this a long time, and let me tell you…”

He didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t even try.

The Car Fox went on. “Man, these sauces are tough! How do you even do this on a regular basis?” He politely reached for the signature red napkin to wipe his face with, and, for the first time, took a swig from his tall glass of milk. “I’ve heard that milk is great for subduing spicy food, but this doesn’t seem to be helping any!” He chuckled, milk dripping from his furry chin, mixing with the sauces that were already in there to combine into an undrinkable, messy liquid.

Sean Evans laughed, and as he did so a tiny chunk of chicken nugget spewed out of his mouth and landed right on the Car Fox’s little nose. The Car Fox hastily maneuvered his tongue and licked the saucy little crumb right off.

“Yeah, you can’t always believe what you hear, right?” said Sean Evans. “But seriously, milk does help with spicy food. It may not feel like it, but you’ve just gotta trust it, alright?”

The Car Fox chuckled and burped. “Oh, man, these nuggets are really getting to me! You might not want to look in the bathroom once I’m done in there after the show!”

At this, everyone in the room, camera crew included, burst into unconditional laughter.

Sean Evans proceeded to move on with the next segment of the show. His brother, Gavin, knew what to do, and had already rolled the chair with Sean Evans’s laptop over to his side.

“So, in case you didn’t know,” began Sean Evans. The Car Fox had a smile creep on to his extremely wide face, for he had watched the show a few times and knew exactly what was coming.

“We’ve got this segment on our show called ‘Explain That ‘Gram’, where we take a deep-dive into our guests’ Instagram and pull up pictures that need more context.” Already he began to open up his laptop. “Does that sound good to you?”

The Car Fox chuckled. “Oh boy, I can’t wait!” He clapped his hands eight times at 149 beats per minute.

Sean Evans pulled up the first image.

“Alright, Car Fox, first things first. Do you remember this image?”

The Car Fox took a single glance at it before entering a chuckling fit. “Oh…! OH!”

He slammed his little fist on the table because he was laughing so hard.

“That was when I did the Dolly Parton Challenge! Oh, man, that was the best!”

Sean Evans pressed him for information, as though he were performing a cross-examination on a witness in court. “What can you tell me about this? Give me the context behind it.”

The Car Fox drank a sip of water to help calm himself down.

He began after a quick gulp. “Okay, so you know the Dolly Parton Challenge, right?”

Sean Evans quickly slammed his fists into the table so hard that it caused one of the sauce bottles to wobble around. “Dang straight I know what the Dolly Parton Challenge is!!!” he shrieked at the top of his lungs, ready to take on the world should anyone have dared to tell him otherwise.

The Car Fox chuckled. “O-okay…so, yeah. This was my take on the Dolly Parton Challenge!”

He paused and swallowed some milk before continuing.

“You know, it was really fun to do. That leather jacket I’m wearing in the Linkedin photo felt so nice! Unfortunately, I had to return it to the store I stole it from after the photo shoot…”

At this, he sighed. Sean Evans felt his heart immediately reach out to the Car Fox. Sympathy was a strong emotion indeed.

“You know, that jacket felt so nice…Oh…Ohh…Ohhhhhhhhh…” The Car Fox started to moan. Really loudly. You could tell that he really, really wanted the jacket at the moment. Sean Evans began to tear up.

“Hey, i-it’s okay…I’m here for you, man…” Sean Evans rubbed the Car Fox on the forearm, gently.

The Car Fox wiped the tears from his own eyes. “Th…thanks, Sean Evans!”

Sean Evans cleared his throat. “So…how much did the jacket cost?”

The Car Fox resumed crying. “A THOUSAND GRAND!!!”

And then he started to freaking howl.

The Car Fox raised his wide head, pulled it back as far as it could go, his beady eyes narrowing at the ceiling, and he howled. He howled a terrible, anguished howl. It was hard to listen to.

And, against all odds, and to everyone’s surprise, Sean Evans did the same. He looked up as well, and howled. Whereas the Car Fox’s howling was high and anguished, Sean Evans’s was low and beautiful, as though he were trying to soothe his hurting colleague. All the crew members teared up at the heart-wrenching moment…except Gavin Evans, who hated it and wanted to leave.

“…Can you, like…please stop this?” said the irritated Gavin Evans.

At this, the howling stopped, and the Car Fox gave Gavin a really weird look. He gave a devilish smile and narrowed his eyes; the Car Fox indeed had the look of a criminal mastermind right then and there. “Who’s this?” he asked, amused.

Sean Evans laughed and replied. “Oh, it’s just my brother, Gavin. He helps out on the show!”

At this, the Car Fox just burst into laughter. “Pfffffftttt!” Spit spewed out of his lips as he did so. “Gavin Evans?” he laughed. “Gavin Evans, huh?”

The Car Fox looked back and forth between Sean and Gavin.

“I can tell you right now…that Gavin Evans does not have the same, nice ring to his name that Sean Evans has!”

At this, everybody began to laugh really, really hard…except Gavin, of course. Once again, just as always, he was overshadowed by his brother, having been reduced to the butt of every joke.

After that, though, it was back to business. Sean Evans resumed where he had left off. “And what could you tell me about the other parts of the Dolly Parton Challenge? You know… the Facebook, Instagram, and Tinder parts?”

The Car Fox chuckled.

“Oh, boy…I love that Facebook photo. Turned out pretty nice, right?” The crew unanimously agreed, wholeheartedly. “Those pair of shades I wore were…were nuts! And…and…”

“Whose house was that?” asked Sean Evans.

“Pardon?” asked the Car Fox, doing that thing where you cup your hand around your ear as though it would make you hear better, even though that’s definitely not how it actually works.

“Whose house was that?!” screamed Sean Evans, his impatience growing. “Cripes…why the heck did I have to start with this photo, which clearly demands the longest explanation of them all?!”  thought Sean Evans, who was extremely eager to move on to the more interesting pics of the Car Fox.

The Car Fox chuckled. “Ohhhhhh! Now I get what you’re saying!” And then he belched. Sean Evans could smell the tropics on the Car Fox’s breath, and he took a deep whiff. Oh, man…that smell. He kept taking in the tropical, hot, saucy smell of the Car Fox’s breath, the scent causing a massive blood flow in Sean Evans’s body.

The Car Fox continued. “Yeah, uh, that’s, uh…that’s uh…” He paused.

…He didn’t continue with his “explanation”.

…

At this Sean Evans furiously just picked up his glass of milk and chucked it at the ceiling, causing it to explode and a deadly combo of milk and shattered glass to rain down on them both. He let out an extremely loud, blood-curdling shriek, and undoubtedly suffered excruciating pain to his vocal chords and lungs as a result.

“HURRY IT UP, HURRY IT UP! We’ve got a show to run, DANG IT! Hurry the hell up!”

He was grabbing the edges of the table with his saucy hands, looming down at the Car Fox, his face purple with absolute rage.

The room was dead silent. The crew was absolutely terrified. Nobody in the world had ever seen Sean Evans get this upset. Wow.

But the Car Fox wasn’t terrified. Not even a little bit confused. He just gave Sean Evans, the purple-faced mess, a defiant smile. Oh, no. He wasn’t fazed in the least. “Ha!” he chuckled, that stupid, signature chuckle. “Hold on, there big boy. Believe me, I understand how you feel. Do you think I myself am not eager to get to the good stuff?”

Sean Evans calmed down. “…Look, I’m sorry for that outburst. It’s just…you…”

He paused. The Car Fox eyed him curiously.

“Car Fox…I…”

The Shire music began to play.

“You fill me with the strangest sense of excitement that I’ve ever felt…and, to be honest, when I look at you, I…”

Was Sean Evans really about to admit his deep, innermost feelings right then and there?

He began to blush, and sweat ran down his face. Was it from the wings, or from the passion? Who’s to say? But the Car Fox, right then, began to blush and sweat also.

“Oh, Sean Evans…You know I could never stay mad at you…” The two comrades looked down, both deeply ashamed of their behavior. The fifth wing had certainly done a number on their mental health. Sean Evans then remembered that “Dirty Dick’s Hot Pepper Sauce With a Tropical Twist” was notorious for having some nasty side effects that caused anger and impatience, increasing one’s irritability.

“You know what? Let’s move on from this picture,” said Sean Evans.

He scrolled to the next one. “Let’s see…aha! This one seems pretty intriguing!”

The Car Fox gave a light chuckle.

“What can you tell me about this picture?” asked Sean Evans.

“Oh, that’s me on Saint Patrick’s Day!” said the Car Fox.

“Is that a real four-leaf clover you’re holding right there?”

“Ha ha! No, that’s CGI. Can’t you tell?”

Sean Evans was dumbfounded. His mouth hung open as he gaped at the Car Fox. “You’re telling me that that’s CGI? It…it looks so real!”

The Car Fox winked. “Well, if the great and mighty Sean Evans is fooled, then it must be a sign that our technology’s improving!”

They shared a laugh right then and there.

“I notice that you’re wearing a slightly different shirt in this photo than you usually do,” said Sean Evans meticulously.

“Well, duh. It’s St. Patty’s Day! Gotta wear green or else I’m in for a pinching!” The Car Fox did a fake growl after he said that for emphasis, and that really got Sean Evans going.

“What can you tell me about this photo of you at the beach?”

The Car Fox frowned. A bit of sauce dripped off his nose, but he caught it with his tongue before it hit the ground. “Oh…THAT. I forgot all about that, and honestly, I’m glad I did.”

Sean Evans sure was intrigued. He was so excited his heart rate spiked. “What do you mean? That looks like it’d be fun!”

The Car Fox gave a spiteful laugh. “Well, it was, until I tried surfing.”

He leaned in close, and once again Sean Evans could smell the sauce on his breath, and the scent of it carried him to faraway places…

“My fur got soaked! SOAKED! It was awful!”

Sean Evans chuckled. “Well, isn’t that to be expected?”

The Car Fox scowled. “No, no, you don’t understand. My fur? It got wet.” He pushed himself away from the table and spun around in his stool.

Sean Evans sighed. “I’m afraid I don’t see the problem here.”

The Car Fox then lunged toward Sean Evans and got his paws around his throat. He managed to avoid knocking over the sauce bottles, fortunately.

“When your fur gets wet it stays wet! For a long, long time! And then of course I got back into the van to drive away and my wet fur made the van all wet and IT WAS A GARBAGE TRIP!”

The Car Fox got angry, and Sean Evans was terrified. Finally, the Car Fox calmed down and quit choking Sean Evans. But he didn’t say a word, and the scowl on his face was apparent.

“O-okay…” began Sean Evans. “Um…onto the next picture, then.”

At this, the Car Fox regained his smile. It made Sean Evans glad to see his best friend overcome the issues brought upon him by the last ‘gram.

“O-ho!” exclaimed the Car Fox. He clapped.

“What can you tell me about this?” asked Sean Evans cheerily.

“You know what I love to do?” asked the Car Fox.

“What?”

“I love to help people!” The Car Fox twirled on his stool playfully. “And this photo, I feel, showcases it better than any other.”

He leaned in close, and he eyed not only Sean Evans, but every crewmember as well as he did so. He smacked his lips together.

“Did you know…that you can get a free CARFAX report for every car listed on CARFAX.com?”

Sean Evans quickly smiled and nodded his head up and down quite rapidly; a sense of terror was building up inside him and he did not want not get on the Car Fox’s bad side.

“Y-yeah…yeah, Car Fox! I-I did know that! CARFAX is a great way to get info on used cars for sale!”

Unfortunately, Sean Evans unknowingly misspoke there. The Car Fox scowled, and he narrowed his beady eyes at Sean Evans, giving him a sick look.

“Oh, no no no no no, Sean. CARFAX isn’t simply a great way to get info on used cars for sale. It’s the best way. In fact, it simply outclasses literally every other conceivable option out there.”

The Car Fox sat there, unblinking, and Sean Evans couldn’t avert his gaze.

“Yeah…yeah, of course, Car Fox…” He felt as though he would puke. The stress the Car Fox was giving him right then and there was nearly killing him. It was even worse than the wings!

But the Car Fox eventually smirked. “…Ha! Now that that’s out of the way…”

He reached his paw out toward Sean Evans and turned it so the palm face upward, and he made a beckoning motion once more, as though he were asking for money. “One ‘gram left to go, huh?”

Sean Evans held a neutral expression.

“Um…no. First of all, what makes you think we’ve only got one more picture taken from your Instagram after this? Our deep-dives go deeeep, let me tell you,” he chuckled. “And second of all…You didn’t even explain the context of this picture where you’re blurred out. ‘You like to help people?’ What does that mean? Elaborate.” Sean Evans crossed his arms in defiance, showing that he could not be swayed from the topic.

The Car Fox chuckled and sighed. “Alright, alright, you got me. I didn’t want to have to explain, but…

“Basically…right there, that guy holding the clipboard and pen? He’s the manager, although down at the CARFAX INC. Headquarters we like to call him the ‘Chief of the Village’. Anyway, He was totaling up some of the money we made, and we reached $2,000 that month! So, when I heard the news, I jumped up all excited, and I said, ‘Hooray for CARFAX!’”

At this, the Car Fox got out of his seat and started jumping around the set, imitating what he had done by throwing his arms up whenever he leaped up. “Hooray for CARFAX!” he exclaimed.

“Hooray for CARFAX!”

“Hooray for CARFAX!”

Sean Evans didn’t say a word, but a smile crept up onto his face and he began to clap. A nice, even-paced clap that you hear at stadiums when somebody is chanting that gradually picks up. And the crewmembers began to clap along with Sean Evans as the Car Fox continued to leap around the room.

“Hooray for CARFAX!” he shouted.

“Hooray for CARFAX!” he exclaimed.

“HOORAY FOR CARFAX!!!!!!” His final cheer was so loud, it could be heard across the entire building and likely outside.

At this, the crewmembers began to clap excitedly in a cheer-like fashion, as though to congratulate the Car Fox.

“Go get ‘em, Car Fox!” screamed Henry.

They whooped and cheered, and gave the Car Fox a standing ovation for his little “performance.” Only Gavin Evans rolled his eyes.

The Car Fox bowed his head, clearly proud of his handiwork. He then leapt back onto his stool, and once more had his usual fierce look of determination.

“Alright,” began Sean Evans. He took a deep breath…and let it all out.

“Last one.”

“What can you tell me about this one?”

The Car Fox didn’t say a word.

…

“Um, Car Fox?” asked Sean Evans, concerned.

The Car Fox went into a fit of maniacal chuckling before responding.

“Oh, Sean Evans…let’s just say we don’t talk about this one, okay?”

Sean Evans laughed. “Okay, Car Fox. Anything for my best friend.”

They were more than ready for their sixth wing.

Chapter Text

Sean Evans wanted to get the sixth chicken nugget over with as quickly as possible. He picked up the chewy sucker, a 1976 Mitsubishi Lancer-shaped nugget, and popped the whole thing in. He chewed as quickly as he could, fighting the urge to regurgitate the whole thing as he did so. His face went purple and sweat stung his reddening eyes as he wrestled the nugget with his sweaty tongue inside his mouth.

The sauce used was the “Double Take Salsa Co. Scotch Bonnet Mustard Hot Sauce”, steaming at a furious 37,000 scovilles. The chicken nugget glistened in the yellow muck it had been dipped in. The car’s wheels looked like they were made of gold.

Sean Evans nibbled at a wheel and felt a burning tingle on his taste buds. Ohhh, WOW. It was hot alright. Sean Evans wondered if his stomach would be able to handle it.

The Car Fox clapped his hands together, psyching himself up. He reached for his golden car-shaped chicken nugget, and in one fell motion he consumed the 37,000 scoville chunk of meat. He chewed furiously. He moaned. “Oh. Now this? This is pleasure, Sean Evans. This is pleasure.” He swallowed and burped.

Sean Evans closed his eyes and leaned in close, ready for the scent of the Car Fox’s sauce-tinted breath to waft into his nostrils. “Oh no, Car Fox. You’re wrong. This is pleasure right here,” said Sean Evans, his eyes closed, his face reddening, the scent deep inside him now and etched permanently into his amygdale.

Sean Evans opened his eyes and popped the question.

“Hey, Car Fox.”

The Car Fox looked up, his eyes glistening with tears and sweat. “W-what is it, Sean Evans?”

Sean Evans sighed. And then he just smirked.

“I gotta be honest. You’re really handsome. You look fabulous right now. I mean, you always have, but now? Now, more than ever…” he paused and took a deep breath. “You look exquisite.” His words came out in a breathy moan.

“I gotta ask…as someone who’s bald and honestly doesn’t have much going for him in the hair department, how do you get yourself to look so…” He moved both his hands in a circular motion for emphasis. “…To look so…” he shook his head, trying to find the right word.

The Car Fox’s interest was piqued. He had an excited smile on his face.

“PERFECT?” said Sean Evans, having finally admitted it. The Car Fox did look perfect to him. He was the embodiment of perfection, in fact. And it was a good question to ask. From his CAR FOX shirt to his beady little eyes, how did the Car Fox manage to look perfect?

The Car Fox chuckled.

“Oh, Sean Evans…” he shook his head and burped. “What am I gonna do with you?”

               But he answered as best as he could.

“First of all, before I dress each day, I make sure that my fur is soaked with gasoline and car grime. Really helps with our aesthetic, you know? Sometimes I’ll get in a real beat-up car – it’s a used car, obviously – and I’ll open up the hood and just roll around on the engine. I’ll spray myself with brake fluid. Really makes me smell like a car.”

The Car Fox closed his eyes and sighed.

“Sounds like heaven,” laughed Sean Evans.

The Car Fox chuckled. “It sure does.”

He continued. “And after that, you know, I’ll take one of my many custom-made CAR FOX shirts and I’ll go and just drench it in oil. Wait for it to dry. Put in on, and voilà! I am good to go. But wait! What about these pants of mine, you ask? Well, these bad boys can only be worn after I’ve had one of my coworkers drive a car over them. Make sure that some of the tire marks are clear as can be…on the inside, of course.”

Sean Evans was mightily intrigued. “Can you elaborate? What do you mean, inside?”

The Car Fox was more than happy to explain. “Oh, it isn’t so hard to grasp, Sean Evans. Having tire marks on the outside of my pants doesn’t look professional at all. Which is why the pants are inside out when we run ‘em over!” The Car Fox swiftly drove his hand across the table, to show the motion of a car driving.

Sean Evans was impressed. “I-I get it now, Car Fox! I get it! W-when you do it l-like that, the tire marks are effectively INSIDE YOUR PANTS!!!!” Sean Evans was shrieking. He was freaking out with excitement.

“But Car Fox…”

“What is it, Sean? It isn’t so hard to understand, you know…I just explained all that I could…”

Sean Evans laughed…and then drove his fist into the table. “Car Fox…I ain’t interested in your fur or your clothes or the fact that you smell like a car…which you don’t, by the way. You just smell like sweat and hot sauce. What I am interested in…” he waggled his index finger around in a circular motion centered around the car Fox’s face.

“…Is your general appearance. Why do you look the way you do? Because, to be honest, you’re the hottest fox I’ve ever seen. You look so much different, and better, than the others. Why is that? Do you have perfect genes or somethin’?”

The Car Fox gaped at Sean Evans, his best friend, wide-eyed. “…Oh. That’s what you were referring to.”

Sean Evans crossed his arms and stared down the Car Fox defiantly. “Why don’t you spill the beans? Not literally, of course, just figuratively.”

The Car Fox smiled. “Well, to be honest, yes, my appearance is heavily derived from my genes. Surprising, no? Honestly, I had no clue that my genes would work in my favor like this. I do look quite different from most foxes, don’t I. Truth be told, my genes are mostly mutated.”

The entire crew gasped in awe.

Sean Evans gave a fist-pump. “YES! I thought so!” he shouted.

The Car Fox chuckled.

“Yep. Most of my genes were just randomly mutated. It happens all the time in nature. Survival of the fittest, they say. The one who’s lucky enough to have the randomly mutated genes that’ll aid him in the environment is the victor!”

“And clearly, I am victorious! For my genes determined my appearance, which allowed me to get my job at CARFAX, and be sitting here now, eating hot wings with the Sean Evans!”

The room was silent. His monologue was the most powerful thing they had ever heard.

Sean Evans’s heart was pounding. He wasn’t even breathing.

…

The Car Fox burst into laughter. “Oh, boy, you should see the look on your face!”

Sean Evans relaxed. “So, that whole thing you just said was…”

“A joke? Pre-CISELY!” The Car Fox laughed and began clawing the table.

“I don’t know why I look perfect to you, Sean Evans! I just do!”

Sean Evans was dumbfounded. “You mean…there’s no reason for why you look so stunning?”

The Car Fox laughed. “Wait, are you joking right now? Why would there be a reason for anything like that at all? Whether or not I look handsome or ugly or even like a fox at all is completely subjective. Whether or not my beady little eyes are fitting or atrocious is all up to one’s opinion.”

The Car Fox stood up and looked at the ceiling, his head and arms tilted as far back as they could go. “IT’S ALL UP TO ONE’S OPINION! ALL OF IT!”

He sat back down. And then he chuckled.

“But, I suppose I should be honored that you, personally, think that I, the Car Fox, look perfect, Sean Evans.” The Car Fox bowed, and was deeply humbled by the fact that Sean Evans thought he looked perfect when so many others seemed to think the exact opposite.

“Awwwww!” went the crew.

Sean Evans was getting flustered, as evidenced by his reddening face. He rolled his eyes. “Alright, then, Car Fox.” He sighed. “You know, I think I’m much closer with you as a person than I was when we started. I’m glad you’re having fun.”

The Car Fox sighed very dreamily. “Now that is a sentiment I share, Sean Evans.”

Sean Evans laughed, and said to nobody in particular:

“Guess what, boys? It’s about time we dive into the seventh wing!”

Chapter Text

“Oh, boy…” the Car Fox smacked his lips. He lifted up his seventh chicken nugget, a 1990 Chevy Caprice shaped one, and popped that sucker into his mouth, where he chewed voraciously. For a split second, the sclera of both his eyes turned blood red before they faded back into a healthy white color.

Sean Evans gulped with fear. This was the Wiltshire Chilli Farm Trinidad Scorpion Hot Sauce, which was a tear-jerking 104,000 scovilles – a massive jump from the 37,000 scoville-covered they had finished off shortly before. This would be a hot one for sure. Extra hot.

The Car Fox was visibly wheezing and coughing to get the mushy sucker to slide down his gullet. He guzzled some water to get it down. Sean Evans couldn’t bear to look. If the Car Fox is in pain, then…

He grimaced as he pushed the soggy, sauce-drenched meat down his throat with only one finger. He barely even chewed; the nugget was so soggy it was just a giant mushy clump that put up no resistance as Sean Evans swallowed. And it burned.

“Oh, crap…” Sean Evans gagged. His throat tightened and his eyes watered. He was also on the verge of pissing his pants, which he hadn’t done in two months! The seventh nugget was the first one so far that he could feel drop into his lower intestine, because it was just that hot. And we haven’t even reached Da’ Bomb yet…!

Sean Evans was terrified. Uncharacteristically of him, he was terrified. Oh lord, Da’ Bomb…

He began to wheeze out of worry.

The Car Fox belched, and in a hazy state said, “Heh! Having an asthma attack there, buddy?”

Sean Evans laughed. “Leave it to the Car Fox to ease the tension around here!”

The two laughed together.

Sean Evans wiped at his face with a napkin. Unbeknownst to him, some nugget chunk was caught in his beard, dripping sauce down his sweatshirt, staining the gray cotton with blood-red liquid.

“So, I gotta tell you a little joke, Car Fox…” Already, the sauces were playing with their minds. The massive spike in scovilles they experienced awakened them to an altered state of consciousness, and it was as if they were getting high off it. The most surreal experience was yet to come.

The Car Fox farted and burped at the same time, and the camera crew pondered whether or not they should edit it out or not. Henry didn’t seem to be paying any attention. He was just staring at his phone.

“Whaaaat? What’s ‘da joke, Sean Evans?” slurred the Car Fox.

Sean Evans already began to chuckle.

“On…wait, no…on the Apollo 11 mission, you know the one, right? On July 16, 1969, when the rocket got launched for the Apollo 11 mission…what did the Japanese say?”

The Car Fox couldn’t guess. He simply shrugged, a neutral expression on his face. “I dunno, Sean Evans. What did the Japanese say?”

Sean Evans giggled. He pounded the table. “BURASUTAFU!”

This just about killed the Car Fox. He burst into laughter. He was laughing so hard, one could see his heart beating through his CAR FOX shirt. It undoubtedly hurt to laugh so hard, yet the Car Fox wouldn’t have given up that moment for the world.

The two laughed extremely hard together. They couldn’t contain it.

The crew was laughing hard as well. Even Gavin Evans thought it was funny, as he covered his mouth with his hand in an effort to stifle his own laughter.

The Car Fox pounded the table. “Burasutafu?! As in, ‘Blast Off’?! That’s genius, Sean!” The two comrades shook hands. Their relationship level must have just increased tenfold.

It was time. The eighth wing was incoming.

It was time…for Da’ Bomb.

Chapter Text

The Car Fox and Sean Evans both simultaneously gulped nervously.

For there it was, right in front of them…

The eighth sloppy, mushy, liquidy, boneless chicken nugget. Could it even be called a chicken nugget at this point? It was nearly unrecognizable. Just a wet pile of hot sauce covering what could technically be classified as a sub-form of meat.

Sean Evans was terrified. It was Da’ Bomb. 135,600 scovilles. While it was nowhere near the hottest, the taste was absolutely terrible. It was as though one were to drench their tongue in literal acid.

The Car Fox eyed the bottle nervously.

“…Da’ Bomb,” he said with caution. The bottle literally had a nuke on it. “Give it to me straight, Sean. Can this stuff kill you?”

Sean Evans simply stammered. “I-I don’t…I-I mean…”

The Car Fox suddenly lunged across the table, his paws enclosed around Sean Evans’s throat, effectively choking him. “Can. It. Kill you?”

Sean Evans coughed up his answer. His purple face looked disgusting in that moment.

“N-no…of…course…not…Car Fox…!”

The Car Fox let go. Sean Evans was left gasping for air.

“…Sorry ‘bout that,” said the Car Fox. “Don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

Sean Evans began to cry. “Don’t fret, C-Car Fox! The sauces give you an altered state of consciousness when you get to the hot ones. H-honestly, it’s no big deal. I know you mean well…” He sniffed.

The Car Fox sighed. “Sorry.”

All was silent. There was no movement between either of them for a good long while.

And then, as though they shared the same mind, or perhaps simply because their Blood Oath had bound their subconsciouses together, the two, both in one fell motion, picked up their soggy “wing” and popped it into their mouth.

“Holy…” started the Car Fox.

“…This is…” Sean Evans couldn’t finish saying it. It was too much.

The Car Fox fought the urge to spit the stupid thing out. It would’ve been the sensible thing to do, that’s for sure. But for the sake of the show, and for his camaraderie with Sean Evans, he persevered. He chewed and chewed ‘til he could chew no more. And finally, after what felt like a thousand hours of being roasted in the fires of Hades, he swallowed.

Sean Evans arguably had it worse than the Car Fox. So used to being well equipped to handle hot wings was he that, now, deprived of his original talent, it was literally as if an atomic bomb had gone off inside his mouth. …No, a hydrogen bomb!

The Car Fox saw his best friend in pain. What could he do to help?

And then, he found his answer.

Fighting through his own pain, the Car Fox spoke as well as he could.

“…Get your free car today at CARFAX.com!”

Sean Evans looked up, his face and tongue both blue with excruciating pain. “…Cwut?” he asked. He had intended to ask “What”, but it came out wrong.

The Car Fox chuckled. “You heard me!”

He stood up on his stool, and put his hands on his hips as he confidently looked Sean Evans dead in the eyes.

“Get your free car today at CARFAX.com!”

Sean Evans suddenly found himself chewing faster. The Car Fox saw it was working!

“Get your free car today at CARFAX.com!”

“Get your free car today at CARFAX.com!”

He leaned in real close to Sean Evans this time, and screamed at the top of his burning lungs:
“YOU CAN DO IT, SEAN EVANS! I BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU CAN HANDLE DA’ BOMB! YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, CAN DO IT! Even though I myself have had struggles…you helped me the best you could! So it’s time I returned the favor!”

He was millimeters from Sean Evans’s aching face. He shrieked, in the best spokesman voice he could muster: “GET YOUR FREE CAR TODAY AT CARFAX.COM!”

And Sean Evans finally swallowed. Without having thrown up.

The two were crying, as was everybody in the crew, except for Henry, who was tapping furiously on his phone while he had a churro in his mouth.

Sean Evans reached for his glass of water and guzzled it down. He would have gone for his milk if he hadn’t destroyed his glass of it earlier. He didn’t care that by the time he was done there was only 1/8^th of his glass of water left. He had survived Da’ Bomb, and that’s what mattered.

Sean Evans just barely mustered up the strength to ask the Car Fox his question.

“You’re always so positive, Car Fox. No matter what situation you’re in, you’re well known amongst the public for your cheery disposition and always having a smile on your face. You’ve pointed countless people in the right direction by telling them to go to CARFAX.com to find all the info they need on used cars for sale.”

The Car Fox giggled with delight.

Sean Evans continued, struggling to speak, his hands doing their signature twirl as he tried to physically convey his rasping words. “Has there ever been a moment in your life where you weren’t so bright and cheerful? How did you get through it, and what advice could you offer up to someone else in need?”

The Car Fox chuckled. “TBH, Sean, there are only two times in my life I can think of where I wasn’t happy: back when that Rhode Island gig got canceled, and this moment right here, doing the show with you.”

Sean Evans was in awe. He tried to speak. “REALLY?” is what he wanted to say, but instead it came out like a frog croak, for a saucy bubble had built up inside his throat. “AR! AHHHR!” Sean Evans began to shriek.

The Car Fox chuckled. “Calm down there, buddy. You okay?” He offered Sean Evans his glass of milk!

Sean Evans drank from the Car Fox’s glass of milk in a hurry. He started panting.

“Oh, boy, thank you! I feel much better.”

But then he stopped, and a tear rolled down his cheek. “Are you okay with this, Car Fox? I drank this milk that is so rightfully yours…”

But the Car Fox laughed. “Don’t worry about it, Sean Evans! Anything for my favorite person!”

Sean Evans sighed with relief. “Okay, good…You were saying?”

The Car Fox resumed speaking. “I’m almost always happy, Sean Evans! I spend my days doing what I love: working for CARFAX! And that’s what’s important to remember! Just do what you love!”

Sean Evans pondered that one. Do what I love…? Do I love eating hot wings? I don’t know…

Now that the dreaded “Da’ Bomb” was out of the way…they would move on to the ninth wing!

Chapter Text

This one was a toughie for sure: the ninth sloppy clump of chicken. Richly covered in the “Mad Dog 357 Hot Sauce - 25th Anniversary Edition” hot sauce, this one was hot. 1,000,000 scovilles to be exact.

“Oooh…” said the Car Fox, unable to hide his nervousness. “I sure ain’t lookin’ forward to ‘dis one, Sean Evans.”

Sean Evans chuckled. “What happened to your speech, man? You don’t even sound like the Car Fox I know and love anymore!”

The Car Fox sighed. “Look, these sauces are killing me! I can barely even think straight, let alone talk! And something tells me that this one right here could be the one to do me in for good…”

Sean Evans patted his significant other on the back. Indeed, they were closer than best friends at this point. “Don’t worry, Car Fox. Believe me. It may technically be hotter, but this one is way easier to eat than ‘Da Bomb!” Sean Evans made a fart noise with his mouth right then, as though to imitate the sound of an explosion. He failed, obviously.

The Car Fox nervously picked up his nugget…before hastily putting it back down. “Ah! This thing’s burnin’ me fur! It really is super hot! Both in taste…and in touch!” He sat there, quivering, scared of what he would have to eat.

Well…here goes. Sean Evans nervously picked up his wing. “Down the hatch!!!” he screamed, shoving it right down, swallowing it whole. He found that that was the easiest way to eat these nuggets, unlike the wings he was used to eating prior to this, which he preferred to chew.

It was hot alright. But it at least tasted infinitely better than wing number eight.

The Car Fox picked up his nugget, and simply sighed. “Tell me. What kind of car is this supposed to be?” He had a point, for his nugget definitely did not resemble a car at this point.

Sean Evans gagged before speaking. “Looks like one of those dumb Chevy’s to me. Lord Almighty, those cars suck.”

The Car Fox glared at Sean Evans. “I don’t know if you’ll want to hear this, Sean Evans, but at CARFAX, we don’t believe in such a thing as a car that sucks. It’s impossible. Every single car has the potential to be great, Sean Evans, whether you like it or not.”

Boom! Roasted. Sean Evans looked down sheepishly.

The Car Fox smiled. “Oh, don’t fret, Sean Evans. You were simply misguided into believing that Chevy’s are bad cars, even though bad cars simply aren’t real. At CARFAX, we’ll help you find all the accident reports you want on your car of choice.”

The Car Fox suddenly leaned in close to Sean Evans. “Look, I’ll be honest with you…while I don’t believe that cars can be bad, I guess…” he stopped.

Sean Evans raised his brow. “What? Finish your sentence, Car Fox.

The Car Fox chuckled. “Just between you and me, if…if I had to choose a car that’s worse than any other, I suppose…well, let’s just say…it’d be a Kia Soul.”

Sean Evans laughed. “Now that we can agree on!”

A moment passed, and the two lovebirds began to chat it up. The Car Fox seemed to have no trouble whatsoever eating his nugget.

Sean Evans cleared his throat. “So, Car Fox, I-“

“Now wait here just a moment,” interrupted the Car Fox. “I know that you usually ask me the questions around here, Sean Evans, because that’s how Hot Ones works…but would it be okay if I asked you the question this time around?”

Sean Evans was dumbfounded. “I-I…uh…I…”

“Capiche?” said the Car Fox.

Sean Evans looked down. “O-okay…” To tell the truth, his feelings were quite hurt, though he’d never admit it.

The Car Fox smiled and patted Sean Evans on the head. “Good. Glad to see that you understand. Now then…”

He cleared his throat.

“So, Sean Evans…You grew up in the suburbs of Chicago, correct?”

Sean Evans sighed and rolled his eyes, fighting the lingering spiciness in his mouth. He took a hard swallow. “…Hmph. Looks like somebody’s been doing his research,” he said, annoyed at the Car Fox.

“Yes, I grew up in Evanston, Chicago. What of it?”

The Car Fox stared at him wide-eyed, his mouth gaping in awe. “Evanston?! You grew up in a town…called Evanston?”

“Yeah, so what?” Sean Evans was getting really tired of the Car Fox’s antics.

“So, you’re name is Sean Evans…and you grew up in Evanston, Chicago? Is that place named after you or something?”

Everyone in the room laughed, except for Sean Evans and Henry, who sat there, sweating profusely, tapping away at his phone with an excessive amount of force. Gavin Evans was nowhere to be seen. He had probably ditched a while ago, unable to take anymore.

Sean Evans thought about the Car Fox’s words, and he began to laugh as well. “Alright, alright, you got me,” he said. “Yeah, kids at school used to give me flak for that all the time. ‘Oh, hello, Mr. Sean Evans of Evanston,’ they’d say. ‘Think you own the place, don’t you?’” Sean Evans imitated the school kids with a mocking tone.

But then Sean Evans sat there, confused once more. “So, what do you really want to know, Car Fox? Why’d you ask me about my hometown?”

The Car Fox chuckled. “Well, I just want to know if it’s worth a visit! Now, I know it’s probably not as cool as L.A. (or Rhode Island), but maybe a visit would be cool. What do you say?”

Sean Evans laughed nervously. “Oh, I don’t know, Car Fox…I-it’s pretty boring in Evanston, you know. N-not a lot of sights to see or anything…Yeah, uh, it’s pretty boring.” He gave a low whistle before continuing. “Yeah, you probably shouldn’t go there.”

The Car Fox looked down, disappointed. “…Oh. I see…”

Sean Evans felt bad for him. “Hey, chin up! Let me ask you something. Where are you from?”

The Car Fox was taken aback by this. He literally sat back in his stool, as though Sean Evans’s question had generated a gust of wind that forced him back. “W-what?!” he asked, bewildered.

Sean Evans raised an eyebrow. “Looks like we’re even now,” he said, a smirk creeping onto his sweaty face.

The Car Fox took a few deep breaths. He took a hard swallow, coughed, and reached for his water glass. He drank some of it before he began to speak.

“I don’t actually know entirely where I’m from, Sean Evans.”

…

Sean Evans entered a fit of maniacal laughter before lunging at the Car Fox’s throat across the table. “Oh, Car Fox, don’t give me any of that BS. You know exactly where you’re from and you’re not telling me.” His big, bare hands were closed around the Car Fox’s neck. “Now,” he breathed, his breaths ragged. “You’re going…to explain…EVERYTHING.”

He let go. The Car Fox entered a state of heavy breathing before swallowing and continuing.

“Fine, fine,” he said. “Look, I was born at CARFAX HQ. Columbia, Missouri. I was…”

He paused.

“Get on with it,” said an irritable Sean Evans.

“I was bred there.” The Car Fox’s words came out quickly and simply. There was nothing to it.

…

“…Wow,” said Sean Evans.

The Car Fox chuckled. “Yep. I’m considered the perfect end result of the breeders’ labor.”

Sean Evans was dumbfounded. “This isn’t like…some…wicked eugenics thing, is it?”

The Car Fox just chuckled, easing Sean Evans’s worries. “Oh, no! Nothing as wicked as that! It’s like…you know…breeding dogs for desired traits? They…you know…bred me to be the perfect CARFAX representative that I am?”

Sean Evans laughed. “Sounds like you don’t even know yourself how this worked.”

The Car Fox chuckled. “The guys at HQ sure do keep a lot of secrets, don’t they…”

Sean Evans was eager to learn more. “Are you the only one? Did this take generations? Are there others?”

The Car Fox chuckled. “Oh, yeah. This took ages for them to do. I’m simply the latest and greatest of them all! Although, of course, my relatives are still technically working for CARFAX…just none of them are in the spotlight like me.”

“I’ve seen that one commercial where it looks like there’s a female fox working at CARFAX, too. She one of your relatives?”

The Car Fox laughed. “Oh, her? Yeah, she’s pretty cool.” And then he leaned in close to Sean Evans. “But not as cool as you.”

Sean Evans got real anxious real fast. “Um, is it just me, or is it getting hot in here, folks?”

Everybody laughed.

This was it. This was the end of the race.

The Last Dab was next in line.

The tenth wing.

It would be a day to remember.

Chapter Text

“Alright, Car Fox, this is it,” said Sean Evans.

The Car Fox couldn’t contain his excitement. “Oh boy, Sean Evans. It sure has been a trip, hasn’t it?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth, Car Fox!” laughed Sean Evans.

It was here. The sauce use for the final sauce was none other than “The Last Dab Reduxx”, which was 2,000,000 scovilles. It would be a bite to remember.

“This is it. The final wing. The last dab.”

The Car Fox looked down at the tenth chicken nugget hazily. Though they had gotten progressively grosser and sloppier, this tenth one looked ever so pristine. He could even make out the car’s exact model: a 1997 Subaru SVX. Even the license plate was readable – it simply read, “Hot Ones”. This nugget had been expertly made for sure. Needless to say, the Car Fox was impressed.

“We call it the last dab because we like to put a little extra sauce on top.”

Sean Evans uncapped the lid of the sauce bottle. He gently put a tiny bit of it onto the top of his own chicken nugget, which was a clear-cut 2001 Nissan Xterra. The Last Dab…How hard would it be this time around?

He handed the bottle to the Car Fox.

The Car Fox took a whiff. He coughed, though a grin was spreading across his foxy face. “Man…” he said. It was true. This sauce was definitely different from all the others. This was it, though. The last one. The final wing. After this…

“Well, here goes!” The Car Fox tapped on the sauce bottle, easing the liquid out onto the hood of his Subaru-shaped chicken nugget.

Sean Evans looked at the Car Fox.

The Car Fox looked at Sean Evans.

And they were about to toast: to a good episode, to a good time together, to brotherhood, to good fortune…

But a rumbling stopped them from doing so.

Everything began to shake. It felt as though the building itself they were in would give in.

“W-whoa!” The Car Fox lost his balance and fell out of his stool.

Some of the sauce bottles tipped over and shattered upon hitting the hard ground. Sean Evans struggled to stay seated as everything began to falter.

The crew themselves were having trouble balancing; they were teetering around as though they were on a balancing pole.

Suddenly the shaking died away.

…

“…Everyone okay?” asked Sean Evans gently.

Nobody seemed to be hurt. The Car Fox hurriedly got up and dusted himself off.

“Heh…are earthquakes common down here or something?” he chuckled.

“…No…I’m not entirely sure what that was…” Sean Evans said, very confused.

Nobody seemed to know.

Suddenly, Gavin Evans burst into the room. He was out of breath and struggled to speak; sweat streamed down his reddened face as he looked up at everyone.

“Guys…I’m sorry to intrude, but something terrible is going on outside.”

That sure didn’t sound good. Sean Evans and the Car Fox simultaneously shared a slow, cautious glance at one another before they immediately took off.

They ran through the lobby and pushed through the doors to the outside.

Apparently, somebody had just erected a stage right outside the Hot Ones Headquarters’ front doors. There was a crowd of people gathered around it. They seemed like average, normal people, wearing casual clothing and sunglasses in the hot sunny weather.

The crew, and Gavin Evans with them, quickly emerged behind Sean Evans and the Car Fox to see what the fuss was all about.

They noticed that the stage had several very large speakers strewn across it. There were no chairs of any sort. It looked like a typical stage you’d see a band playing on in a concert. There were two black curtains at the back of the stage.

And from behind these curtains…he stepped out.

“Oh…no…” Sean Evans covered his mouth with his hands, for he was in shock. The Car Fox’s beady little eyes went wide with terror.

It was Jason Aldean.

He was on the stage, a guitar in hand. “How’s it goin’, my fellow countrymen?!” he asked the crowd with a booming voice. They immediately went wild with enthusiasm.

Jason Aldean looked rather bloated. His pair of light-blue skinny jeans was bulging all around. He wore a white button-up shirt that stuck out at his stomach, and there was a noticeable brown stain around its collar, presumably from beer or whiskey. He wore dark brown suspenders to keep his pants up. The tan cowboy hat he was wearing didn’t do much to obscure his red cheeks, both of which were so plump and livid it made his already-narrow eyes look like tiny slits. Had Sean Evans been closer, he would have been able to spot the remnants of some escargot caught in his light facial hair.

“This…this is a nightmare…” Sean Evans could barely speak.  Why on earth was Jason Aldean right here at Hot Ones HQ?! He had interrupted the Last Dab with the Car Fox!

The Car Fox noticed Sean Evans’s fists clench with fury.

“…Well, well, well…” began Jason Aldean. Boy, was he confident. He spoke in a cocky, undermining tone. “If it isn’t Sean Evans.” He stepped off the stage, and immediately the crowd moved out of the way, forming a path for him. He casually strolled right up to where Sean Evans and the Car Fox were standing.

“What are you doing here, Jason Aldean?” asked Sean Evans. He meant business. “Nobody interrupts me and the Car Fox! NOBODY! Least of all you.” He would have spat in Jason Aldean’s face right there had he not known better.

Jason Aldean looked from Sean Evans to the Car Fox, and then back to Sean Evans. “…Heh.” He snickered. “So, that’s what’s goin’ on here, eh?”

“…What do you want?” Sean Evans couldn’t take anymore. He was straight and to the point.

“What do I want? What do I want?” Jason Aldean retorted. “Well, a little birdie told me that you don’t like me very much. That you insulted my music. That you,” he poked his foul index finger right into Sean Evans’s chest, “were initially considering having me on an episode of Hot Ones with you before you went with this guy!” He motioned toward the Car Fox, who immediately felt a certain kind of rage boil up inside.

“Who…who told you that?” Sean Evans was dumbfounded. Who would have…no, who could have told Jason Aldean about all that?

“…I did,” said a voice from behind the curtain.

Sean Evans looked up.

There he was, stepping from out behind the curtain…

…Henry.

“Oh, no, I tried to stop him! That’s why I had left!” shrieked Gavin Evans.

“…Henry?!” Sean Evans and the crew were dumbfounded.

Henry had a look of absolute neutrality on his face as he stood up there on the stage.

“Y-you…you were there when I insulted Jason Aldean, weren’t you…” said Sean Evans.

“That’s right,” said the unmoving, apathetic Henry.

Sean Evans couldn’t comprehend any of the events that had happened right at the Last Dab. First, everything in the building had begun to shake like mad. Then, they had exited to find a stage right outside. And then out strolled Jason Aldean! And now…

“Henry, you traitor!” Sean Evans shrieked. “You’re pay’s getting cut in half big time, mister!”

“…Hmph,” grunted Henry, clearly unenthused. “Like I care.”

For the first time in his life, Sean Evans had been completely and utterly betrayed. “What’s wrong with you, Henry? I thought you were my supporter! My friend! Why would you sell me out to this atrocity? His music is trash! Did you not also agree that the music video to My Kinda Party was the worst thing ever?!”

Jason Aldean was hurt. “Hey, that’s rude, pal! I know I ain’t no Billie Joe Armstrong or nothin’, but insult my music again and you’re gonna pay for it!”

It was right then that the Car Fox’s rage reached its peak. He looked up at Jason Aldean. “Geez, clean your act up, man! No wonder Sean Evans didn’t want to have you on the show.”

Dead silence. Not a word was said for a full ten seconds after that, for Jason Aldean was letting the Car Fox’s words sink in.

“Nobody,” he began. “Nobody, and I mean, nobody, talks to me that way! Least of all a stupid little urban city-dweller like you!”

“Oh, that’s it!” Sean Evans shrieked. “Get out of here, Jason Aldean! Leave, and never come back! I’m not having you on Hot Ones. It just isn’t happening, alright? Sorry to disappoint, but you need to pack your things and go.” He turned to Henry. “And you. You better have a good reason for doing this to me, alright? What was your reason, huh? Money?”

He advanced on Henry, who cautiously backed away.

“Food? Clout? Leverage? WHAT REASON WOULD YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?!” Sean Evans bellowed in Henry’s face.

Henry began to quiver.

“…Blackmail…” he said quietly.

“What was that?” Sean Evans inquired.

“B-blackmail…he…he discovered that I…” Henry was crying.

“Oh, that’s enough outta you!” Jason Aldean immediately dog-whistled to his stagehands, who began to drag Henry away.

“N-no! Sean! Please! I-I…I didn’t mean to! Please!” They dragged him away, onto the stage, and threw him behind the curtains.

Jason Aldean laughed a horsey laugh. “Oh, boy. Now that’s what I call entertainment!” The crowd laughed alongside him.

Sean Evans’s anger spiked. “What the hell’s this about, huh? You blackmailed one of my Hot Ones crewmembers into telling you that I don’t want to have you on for Hot Ones?!”

Jason Aldean simply laughed. “Pretty much.”

Sean Evans’s face was white with rage. “You want to be on Hot Ones that badly, huh? Seriously? And what’s this stage for?!” He motioned toward the elephant in the room. None of it made any sense. “You seriously think I’m gonna have you on for Hot Ones?! Especially now, after you’ve blackmailed and kidnapped one of the crewmembers and interrupted my Last Dab with the Car Fox?!”

His breaths were ragged. Nobody said a word.

The Car Fox was glaring at Jason Aldean. His hatred toward him grew at every passing second.

Jason Aldean laughed. That stupid, annoying laugh. You could see his stomach and cheeks jiggle around when he laughed.

“I wasn’t expecting it to be easy, now…but trust me, Sean Evans, pretty soon you won’t be able to say no to me.”

“And why’s that?” asked the annoyed Sean Evans. How could I possibly be convinced that having this guy on Hot Ones is a good idea?

But Jason Aldean was done speaking. With a smirk on his face, he simply tipped his hat to Sean Evans, turned around, and advanced onto the stage.

There was nothing but silence.

The crowd waited with apprehension.

And then, in a booming voice once more, Jason Aldean said it. “How many of y’all think I should be on Hot Ones with Sean Evans?!”

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”  The crowd roared with absolute approval. The Car Fox shook his head sadly. Sean Evans found himself on the verge of throwing up, and it wasn’t even because of any lingering spiciness from the ninth wing.

And then, Jason Aldean did the worst thing he could.

He began to strum his guitar, and he began to speak.

“You boys ever met a real country girl?” he asked. It was an awful intro to the song.

“Oh, God…” Sean Evans could only cover his face with his hands out of embarrassment. The Car Fox shook his head with disapproval. The entire crew hated this, but the crowd itself was in love.

“…I'm talking, true blue, out in the woods, down home, country girl…” Jason Aldean spoke these words incomprehensibly. It didn’t matter, for the crowd immediately became enamored.

And then he began to sing.

“She's a hot little number in her pick-up truck

Daddy's sweet money done jacked it up

She's a party-all-nighter from South Carolina, a bad mamajama from down in Alabama…”

“No…No, no, no no no no NO!” Sean Evans shrieked.

“We have to do something! We can’t let this go on!” The Car Fox yelled. But what could they do?

Jason Aldean continued on.

“She's a raaaagin’, Caaaajun, a lunatic from Brunswick, juicy Georgia peach

With a thick southern drawl, sexy swing and walk, brother she's all-“

Oh, no…

“Coouuntryyyyyy!

From her cowboy boots, to her down-home roots, she’s

Coouuntryyyyyy!

From the songs she plays to the prayer she prays,

THAT’s the way, she was BORN and raised!

She ain’t afraid to staaaaAAAAYYYY!

Coouuntryyyyyy!

…Brother, she’s country!”

Sean Evans was practically on the ground. This was ear-rape to the Hot Ones gang. They couldn’t take anymore. They retreated back into the building.

They just sat there, panting, unable to drown out the sound of Jason Aldean. The crowd was clapping in rhythm to his song, and a few backup dancers had entered the fray, dancing and clapping right behind him on stage, the female ones wearing bikinis and the guys wearing tank-tops and sunglasses.

“Well, now I have a pretty good idea of why my superiors at CARFAX wouldn’t ever let me listen to Jason Aldean,” said the Car Fox.

Sean Evans was quivering and crying on a sofa. How could this be happening?

“My only regret is that our Last Dab got completely ruined, Car Fox…” said Sean Evans. He had lost all hope.

“…That’s not true, Sean Evans.” The Car Fox was beaming.

“H-huh?!” sniffled Sean Evans. His face was wet with tears. They were running rampant.

“I mean, sure, it didn’t go as perfectly as it could have…” began the Car Fox. He began strolling back and forth across the lobby. The entire crew had their eyes on him the whole time.

“But that doesn’t mean it’s ruined.” The Car Fox, at least, held hope.

Sean Evans didn’t understand. “What do you mean, Car Fox?”

The Car Fox chuckled. “You’re such a downer, Sean Evans! Think about it,” he said. “If we manage to run that Jason Aldean guy out of here, then we can get back to our last wing and end the show on a positive note!”

Sean Evans simply frowned…and then nodded. The Car Fox could be right. If they could just get Jason Aldean out of there.

“I hope you know,” began a crewmember, “that I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

“Me, too!”

“Me, three!”

“And I as well!”

Sean Evans felt a pat on his shoulder. He looked up to see Gavin consoling him. “Bro. We got this. We can run Jason Aldean out of here and you can get your happy ending.”

Sean Evans sniffed and smiled, wiping a single tear of joy from his eye. “Th-thanks, you guys.”

Already, he was formulating a plan.

He turned to two of his subordinates.

“Slick? Keizer?”

They turned to him.

“You know what to do.”

“Yes, sir!” they saluted Sean Evans and ran deep into the building somewhere.

The Car Fox smiled. “I think I need to make a call or two.”

Chapter Text

Jason Aldean was just getting started. He was already getting into the chorus for a fourth time, spreading the song out much longer than it was supposed to go, making up new words to the verses as he went along. While would have undoubtedly been cringe to most people, the crowd couldn’t have cared any less – to them, more Jason Aldean meant more joy in their lives.

Suddenly, the Hot Ones crew stepped out, minus Slick and Keizer.

Jason Aldean smirked and stopped singing so he could speak.

“Well, looks like some folks just couldn’t say no to me in the end,” he chuckled. The crowd roared with laughter.

Sean Evans and the Car Fox simply stood side by side, looking defiant. Nothing could stand in their way now.

“What’s it gonna take to get you to leave, Jason Aldean?” asked the Car Fox.

Jason Aldean laughed that stupid, annoying laugh. Somehow, he had torn open a hole on the right knee of his pair of skinny jeans when he did so.

“I told ya. Nothin’s gonna stop me here today! I ain’t leavin’ until I get to do Hot Ones with Sean Evans!”

It was Sean Evans’s turn to laugh. “Well, I got news for you, Jason. Never…and I mean, ever, in a million years, am I going to invite you to be on Hot Ones with me! Are we clear?”

Jason Aldean just let his face sink slowly into a frown. He shook his head, disappointed.

Sean Evans turned his head, toward the building, and called out in a clear, true voice:

“Somebody, roll out the Mise En Place!”

Immediately, Slick and Keizer stormed out of the building as fast as they could, pushing the thing in front of them until it reached Sean Evans.

The Car Fox was in awe. “Whoa! What is this thing?!” he asked, as though he were a bright-eyed little kid.

Sean Evans looked down at his partner with a smile on his face, and winked. “You’re about to find out.”

Jason Aldean was not impressed by what he was looking at. Mise En what?! Whatever it was that they had just rolled out looked stupid. “Whatever,” he thought. “I’ll just keep singin’ ‘cause it’s what I do!”

He resumed his song.

Luckily for the Hot Ones Gang it was a verse, and not the chorus.

“We can’t let him get to the chorus,” said Sean Evans. “I’m not sure why, but the chorus has a profound weakening-effect on us. If he gets to that part of the song one more time, we’re screwed. So let’s do this as fast as possible!”

The Mise En Place was nothing more than a little square table on wheels that happened to have a stove on it. It was equipped with a variety of food items, like eggs and cheese. Upon its ebony cloth laid a couple of frying pans and some salt and pepper, alongside other condiments.

Sean Evans immediately began to make preparations on the thing, and the Car Fox was in complete awe as he watched. He turned the stove on, measured the salt and pepper, counted the number of eggs in the carton…it sure was busy work.

Meanwhile, Jason Aldean resumed singing his made up verse to his song, She’s Country.

“She’s a cute li’l lass wearin’ green and blue boots, better watch out ‘cause right now she’s out loose

Getting’ rich offa her old papa’s money,

With a giant sunflower she’s got all kinds o’ power…”

Somehow, despite how long he’d been singing that day, his voice sounded the same. It wasn’t weakening in any way.

He would have continued the verse had he suddenly not felt the splattering of an egg on his shirt.

“Gu-OOF!” Jason Aldean was taken aback. He stopped playing his so-called “southern” guitar and he stopped singing. The crowd lost their hype, and they were simply staring ahead, noiselessly. Even his backup dancers had stopped dancing.

He looked down at his shirt to find slimy yellow egg yolk running down it. He looked up.

And there he was. Sean Evans, a huge grin on his face, an egg in his hand. The Car Fox was smirking, and he, too, held an egg in his hand that he looked like he was about to throw.

“HEY!” screamed Jason Aldean. “That ain’t nice! Apologize to me this instant!”

Sean Evans scowled. “Oh yeah? Why don’t you apologize to us for all of the awful crimes you’ve committed? Like interrupting my time with the Car Fox, or blackmailing and kidnapping Henry!”

But Sean Evans’s pleas fell on deaf ears, for Jason Aldean simply snorted. “Yeah. Like I’d ever apologize to a scum-sucking lowlife like you, ya little city-dweller. Guess what? I won the Country Artist of the Decade Award! Huk yuk yuk!” Once more, the crowd began roaring with laughter.

Jason Aldean stopped laughing…and it looked like he was about to resume playing again. The Car Fox and Sean Evans glanced at one another before simultaneously nodding their heads. They were on the same page…and they knew what to do.

“YAAAAAAAH!” Sean Evans and the Car Fox charged ahead, forging a path for themselves amongst the crowd gathered at Jason Aldean’s feet. They dove onto the stage and knocked down Jason Aldean in the process, but he wasn’t their target. They charged through the black curtains…

There were boxes full of whiskey bottles everywhere. They could spot every manner of whiskey brand: Harrison Rye, Templeton Rye, Redemption Rye, you name it.

“What’s this guy’s deal…?” asked the Car Fox. Backstage was just full of boxes of whiskey and cords and stuff, as far as he could tell.

Sean Evans picked up a bottle, uncapped it, and took a whiff. “Who would want to drink this stuff? I bet it tastes like absolute trash,” he said, chuckling.

Suddenly, they heard screaming. “HELP ME!”

Sean Evans’s eyes went wide. “Oh, shoot! Bet that’s Henry!” He and the Car Fox stormed to where they heard the voice come from.

They found Henry, crudely tied up with a rope. He was sobbing and crying. What a wretch.

“Dude, this rope’s so poorly tied you could’ve probably escape on your own,” said Sean Evans accusingly. Henry simply sobbed. “S-sorry. I’ve let you down…”

“Well, forgiveness can come later. Right now, we’ve got a problem on our hands, and we could use your help in fixing it,” said the Car Fox, waggling his little clawed finger around.

Just as they brought Henry to his feet, they heard a strange noise come from behind a wall.

“What in the…?”

It sounded like muffled screaming.

Sean Evans pushed his hands to the wall. “I think there’s something behind this wall, but…”

Just then, the Car Fox noticed a strange crease. “Guys, I think this is a fake wall…” He pushed against the crease, and sure enough, the wall rotating, allowing them through it.

This room was narrow and very dimly lit. It was dusty too. The Sean Evans, the Car Fox, and Henry could only stare wide-eyed at what lay before them.

Two guys were chained up together, and they were chained up good. They had white cloths tied around their mouths, gagging them.

“Holy mother of…” began Sean Evans, raising his hands to his head in shock.

“No way…” said the Car Fox in awe. “It’s Florida Georgia Line!”

Chapter Text

They were in pretty bad shape, with bruises all over their faces. Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley were their names. Tyler Hubbard had a black eye.

Henry just stood there, dumbfounded. “W…what should we do?”

“What do you think, idiot?!” shrieked Sean Evans and the Car Fox at the same time. Immediately they ran over to both men and tried to undo their chains, but to no avail.

Sean Evans swore. How could they free them? At least he undid their gags.

“Whoooo…” breathed one of two. “Thank the Lord Almighty you’re here…”

“What happened to you two?” asked the Car Fox.

“I don’t know,” said the other of the two. “We were getting ready to perform here in L.A. when suddenly everything just went black. Don’t remember much. Next thing we know is we’re chained up and gagged in this here room, staring at Jason Aldean! From the way that good-for-nothing was smirking at us, I knew right then that this was his doing.”

Sean Evans listened patiently while he tried to undo their chains.

Suddenly, Henry, who had apparently momentarily left the room, bust in with a whiskey bottle. “Hiiiii-Yah!” He managed to cut open their chains by smacking the whiskey bottle against them! They were free!

“Whooo-weee, we’re free!” cried Brian Kelley.

“It’s all thanks to you!” cried Tyler Hubbard.

If Sean Evans had a hat right then, he would have tipped it to them. He turned to Henry. “Looks like you are good for something after all!”

Henry smiled sheepishly. “I just did what I could…” he said.

Florida Georgia Line suddenly got on their knees and looked up at Sean Evans and the Car Fox. “How can we ever repay you two?” they asked.

Sean Evans looked down at them. He reached out his hand. “Come do an episode of Hot Ones with me sometime,” he said. “It’s rare to have a duo.”

They smiled.

They then turned to the Car Fox. “How can we repay you?” they asked.

The Car Fox, with his hands on his hips, chuckled. “Oh, I don’t know…but you can get a free CARFAX report at CARFAX.com!”

Everybody in the room laughed.

Jason Aldean was stunned. He had been insulted more times than he could count, his shirt was covered in egg yolk, and he had been knocked down? This was not a great day at all! He was too tired to feel angry at this point, but he was not ready to give in.

He stood back up from his momentary shock. Most of the crowd had dispersed. It was getting pretty late in the day, for the sun was setting. At least he still had some of his backup dancers.

He looked disdainfully at the Mise En Place way ahead of him, still manned by some of the Hot Ones crew. “Oh, I’ll get you for this…” he said.

“Will you, though?” said a voice from behind.

Jason Aldean whirled his around to find the Car Fox right behind him! Looking further, he spotted Sean Evans leading away Henry, and Florida Georgia Line! Cripes! He thought. They’ve freed my prisoners!

“…Well?” asked the Car Fox.

Jason Aldean looked down on the Car Fox. What a comical little figure he was. A fox. That had the beadiest eyes you could ever look at. Standing on both legs. Wearing a shirt that said CAR FOX in bold, black letters. What even was he looking at?

Jason Aldean growled. “I can’t believe that Sean Evans chose you over me to be on Hot Ones!”

The Car Fox didn’t say anything.

Jason Aldean advanced on him. Suddenly, he smiled. An evil smile it was. “Look here, little fox. You don’t seem well equipped to handle hot, spicy food. So how’s about we get you home to a forest reserve where you belong, huh? And I’ll be the one to finish the Hot Ones episode! Okay???”

The Car Fox didn’t say anything.

“Capiche?” said Jason Aldean.

Suddenly, the Car Fox had a terrifying look on his face. It contained all his anger, hatred, and pain. “That’s my line!” he screamed as he dove onto Jason Aldean’s face, tearing and clawing at it.

Sean Evans and the rest of the Hot Ones crew, including Florida Georgia Line, all began to clap and cheer.

“Whooo!”

“Stick it to ‘im, Car Fox!”

“Give the phony what he deserves!”

Jason Aldean was screaming.

Satisfied, the Car Fox leapt off, not a scratch on his body.

Jason Aldean, on the other hand, was covered in cuts and egg yolk.

“Oh…” he cried. He bent down. He sat very still.

Sean Evans walked up to the crouching Jason Aldean and stepped on his back with his foot. “That’s what you get!” he maniacally laughed.

He walked away from Jason Aldean and toward the Car Fox.

They high-fived.

And embraced.

Chapter Text

Things had been cleaned up. The stage was put away. The crowd had mostly dispersed. The Mise En Place had been rolled back inside Hot Ones HQ. Florida Georgia Line were home free.

The only thing left behind was a squatting, cut-up, egg yolk-covered Jason Aldean, who simply crouched where the stage had been, his “southern” guitar in hand.

“Yeah, we really handed it to ‘em!” cried the Car Fox back in the Hot Ones lobby.

“You could say that again!” chuckled Sean Evans.

Everybody laughed.

It would be dusk soon. There was hardly any daylight left.

“So, Car Fox…” began Sean Evans.

“Yes?” replied the Car Fox.

“How about we, uh…finish what we started?”

There was a silence. A tear rolled down the Car Fox’s eye. “Oh, Sean, I’d be honored.”

They began walking back to the Wing Table…

But stopped.

Something was taking place, yet again, outside.

“This can’t be happening…” said Sean Evans, exhausted and disgusted.

The entire Hot Ones gang was outside now. Sean Evans and the Car Fox simply looked up with a tired disbelief.

There he was.

Jason Aldean, with a crowd around him.

The stage was gone, of course. But that didn’t stop Jason Aldean from somehow procuring a pedestal for himself, which he was now standing on.

He didn’t look too happy, though. Gone was the cocky fervor he had before. Now, he just seemed tired and sad. He was humiliated, having been clawed at and being covered in egg yolk.

His bloated cheeks trembled as he spoke.

“…Hey there, Sean Evans.”

Sean Evans rolled his eyes.

“What now, Jason Aldean? Haven’t learned your lesson?”

Jason Aldean was quivering, his guitar in hand.

“I-I…I ain’t leavin’,” he said. “I don’t even care about doin’ Hot Ones no more, but I ain’t leavin’. I’m here ‘cause I wanna be.”

Sean Evans got furious. “Well, this is kind of trespassing on our property, so we’d appreciate it if you’d play somewhere else.”

Jason Aldean just stood there, unresponsive.

“…Alright, look,” began the Car Fox. “You can’t play here, okay? And what kind of performance do you think you can give anyway? Your backup dancers are gone.”

Jason Aldean just shook his head. “I don’t need any backup dancers. I’ve got all I need right here. Now, without further ado…”

He began to strum. Just a few chords at first, but something about it was suspicious. And the crowd nodded their heads to the solemn rhythm.

And then, Jason Aldean began to sing. Of course, his voice sounded as it always did. He added a terrible-sounding southern drawl to this song.

“I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's only me, and I walk alone”

…

“…Are you f***ing kidding me?” Sean Evans just flat out said it. The Car Fox was cringing harder than he had ever before. The entire Hot Ones crew could not handle Jason Aldean right now.

Jason Aldean continued, strumming that guitar, doing his southern-style singing thing.

“I walk this empty street

On the boulevard of whiskey

Where the city sleeps

And I'm the only one, and I walk alone.”

“NO!” Sean Evans screamed. “You can’t do that! That is not allowed! You’re not allowed to do this, Jason Aldean! You can’t!”

But, once more, his pleas fell on deaf ears. Jason Aldean ignored him. And the crowd? The crowd was into it. They were clapping along to it.

“Uh-uh? UH-uh! Uh-uh?” they went.

Crap. This was it for Hot Ones, wasn’t it. And they didn’t have the Mise En Place right now, so they couldn’t do anything! This was the absolute worst.

For a moment, Jason Aldean spoke to the crowd in the middle of the song. “This is a new song I’m working on,” he said. “I call it: Boulevard of Whiskey. Y’all like it?”

The crowd cheered. Yes, they liked it. Yes, they wanted more. Oh, yes, Boulevard of Whiskey was totally an original song by Jason Aldean that he didn’t copy from anyone else.

Jason Aldean continued.

“I walk alone, I walk alone

I walk alone and I walk a…!”

Jason Aldean exploded into the chorus, and the crowd cheered. They were clapping and dancing along, providing the drums to the song with their stomping feet. There was no need for backup dancers, oh no there wasn’t.

“My shadow's the only one that walks beside me”

Sean Evans gagged.

“My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating”

For the first time, the Car Fox threw up.

“Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me”

The people of the crowd were in love. They were waving glowsticks around to the song.

“Till then I walk alone…!”

Jason Aldean was strumming and singing. Oh, you could say he was a huge success on this fine night. He had a crowd of people gathered before him who gave him their undying support as he sang, with his own southern, country twang, a version of Boulevard of Broken Dreams where two words got changed. The people of the crowd looked brainwashed on this night, waving their glowsticks around as Jason Aldean strummed and sang.

Sean Evans was crying. “How can this be happening?! How?! HOW?!” he had lost all hope. Jason Aldean had ruined everything, and there was no going back.

But there was one who had not, in fact, lost hope.

The Car Fox stood right there with a defiant smile on his face, his hands on his hips. “Don’t worry, Sean Evans. It’ll all turn out okay.”

Sean Evans turned to look the Car Fox dead in the eyes. “How?” he asked. “Jason Aldean just had a comeback! He isn’t responding to anything we say! How can this turn out okay?!”

The Car Fox chuckled. “Oh, how forgetful you are, Sean Evans. Remember when I made those phone calls back in the lobby?”

Sean Evans thought hard. “You mean…that actually meant something? I was so focused on other things I don’t think I really paid too much attention,” he said.

The Car Fox chuckled, once again. It was always nice to hear that chuckle. “Oh, Sean Evans…What on earth am I ever gonna do with you?”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his smartphone. It looked like it was on some sort of weird, prototype CARFAX app.

There was a button to push on this app. It was rectangular, green, and said one sentence:

SHOW ME THE CARFAX!

And the Car Fox pushed this button. “NOW!” he screamed into his phone.

And that was all it took. Light spewed out of the Car Fox’s phone, as though it were a projector. It was, in fact, projecting something.

Sean Evans had to shield his eyes, for it was too bright to look at for the moment.

“A-aaaaghhhH!” shrieked Jason Aldean, as though he were in pain. He stopped playing and had to shield his eyes too. The crowd was screaming in terror.

The light coming out of the Car Fox’s phone was shining right on the ground in front of Jason Aldean’s pedestal. At the moment, it just looked like a giant, blank square.

And then it materialized to show an actual, moving image.

“Hey! Searching for a great used car?” Sound accompanied this image, for the Car Fox was projecting a CARFAX commercial out of his phone onto the ground for everyone in the vicinity to see and hear.

The commercial went on, and in the commercial the Car Fox, looking as handsome as ever, walked around talking about CARFAX.

“You got it! Just say, ‘show me millions of used cars for sale’ at the all new CARFAX.com, where now you can search with the power of CARFAX!”

It couldn’t be…

It was the same exact commercial that Sean Evans had seen that had made him want to get the Car Fox on the show…

“Just say, ‘show me cars with no accidents reports.’ BOOM! Or how ‘bout, ‘show me cars with only one owner? Pre-tty cool!”

Sean Evans felt a single tear of nostalgia roll down his cheek. It felt so long ago that they had been about to eat their first hot, saucy chicken nugget together…

 “Plus, we’re the only site where you get a free CARFAX report with every car listed.”

And what about the Blood Oath they now shared? What about the Car Fox’s Instagram? What about when they were so close to completing the Last Dab…? Oh, so many memories splurged through Sean Evans’s mind right then…

 “So find the cars you want, avoid the ones you don’t. Start your used car search at CARFAX.com!”

The commercial came to a close.

Sean Evans leaned in close to the Car Fox. “I appreciated that, Car Fox, I really did…but how is that going to get rid of Jason Aldean?”

The Car fox laughed. “Oh, this wasn’t to get rid of him, Sean Evans. This was to by time.”

“Huh?”

Suddenly, a bunch of cars rolled onto the scene. All kinds of cars. Sean Evans spotted a Subaru, a Lexus, a Nissan, a Chevy…(he shuddered at that one). In fact, the only car brand he didn’t spot was a Kia!

“Wait a second…” somebody said.

“Th-these are all used cars!” screamed a random girl in the crowd.

There were around ten cars in total, and suddenly their doors all opened at the same time. Out of each door stepped a person, each of them wearing an identical, tan uniform.

Their uniforms all had a badge reading CARFAX.

“Wh-whoa! C-Car Fox, you…did you just summon CARFAX employees?!” Sean Evans gasped. He was quite impressed, to say the least.

The Car Fox chuckled. “There he is, boys! After him!” He pointed toward Jason Aldean, who was stunned beyond words.

Immediately the CARFAX employees began to close in around him.

“G-gah! What do you think you’re doin’?!” Jason Aldean squealed.

They all lifted him up, and began to carry him away.

“Hey! I’m talkin’ to you! You can’t do this to me! I’m Jason Aldean!!!” He frantically searched for someone…anyone, who would help him. Nobody moved an inch. Not even his fans.

“H-hey! Sean! Help me, Sean!” Jason  Aldean cried.

Sean Evans just shook his head. “Only my closest friends call me Sean,” he said. “And you’re not one of them, Jason Aldean.”

Jason Aldean’s eyes went wide with terror.

“W-wait!”

The CARFAX workers hurriedly stuffed him into a Lexus.

“Couldn’t you have at least put me in a Chevy?! I’ve got a Chevy myself; they’re great cars! They’ve won a ton of awards ‘n stuff-“ Jason Aldeans words were drowned out as the car drove off, and he was in it.

There was nothing but silence.

“YEAH!!!!” Sean Evans and the Car Fox cheered. They high fived and embraced.

The Hot Ones Gang was getting teary-eyed. Finally, they had won…and it was all thanks to the Car Fox! The crowd that had gathered around Jason Aldean immediately began to disperse, as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

“It’s all thanks to you, Car Fox!” Sean Evans cried.

“Oh, nonsense, Sean Evans! I couldn’t have done it without you by my side!”

…

Finally.

They hurried back inside to finish off the Last Dab.

Chapter Text

“Aw, man…” Sean Evans growled. “May as well be called Cold Ones now, because this thing isn’t hot anymore.” He picked up his chicken nugget, which wasn’t so hot anymore.

The Car Fox chuckled. “Well, after the events of tonight, I’ll take what I can get.” They both laughed at that.

The two blood-brothers did a toast. They touched their wings together, and began to dine. Oh boy, did they dine. They made sure to savor every last bite…Every lick, in fact. And it was spicy. The Car Fox couldn’t help but gag a little, and Sean Evans felt as though he’d be poisoned when he ate…

But you know what?

After what had just taken place, the two could’ve gotten through anything together.

The 10^th wing? The Last Dab? It was nothing compared to the tribulations they had conquered prior.

And so, the two enjoyed their meal together…

The two finished up.

“Oh, man, Sean Evans…” the Car Fox chuckled. “I don’t think I could do something like this ever again!”

Sean Evans laughed. “Heh. That’s what they all say, Car Fox.”

“No, seriously,” urged the Car Fox. “If I did that again, I think I’d be forced into early retirement. Never again would I advertise for CARFAX.”

Sean Evans laughed. “You may have a point there.”

A moment passed.

Sean Evans cleared his throat. “Car Fox, it’s been an ordeal. I can tell you right now that I was not expecting to have the great time that I had with you.”

The Car Fox couldn’t help but chuckle and blush. Oh, he was adorable…

Sean Evans continued, beaming. “Through thick and thin…and fur and skin…we did it. We got through this together. You weren’t prepared in the slightest, but we munched these nuggets! We munched ‘em!”

“YEAH!” the Car Fox shrieked.

Sean Evans laughed. “Through it all…Oh, Car Fox, through it all…I’ve gotta admit, but…”

“Sean Evans?” A tear rolled down the Car Fox’s face.

Sean Evans teared up himself. “Car Fox, I think this has been the best time of my life. I’m serious. Before this, there was a massive, gaping hole in my life that needed to be filled. You know what? You’re the one who’s filled in that hole for me, Car Fox!”

Silence.

The Car Fox chuckled while tears rolled down his face. “Oh, Sean Evans…before this, I thought that all I needed in my life was CARFAX. But now? Honestly, the moment I got the invite, I was so excited…and when I came here, I knew. Sean Evans, this is easily one of the most pivotal moments in my life. I’m proud to know that I got to do this with you.”

…

Sean Evans laughed. “Well, it certainly was a challenge, Car Fox, but we persevered.”

He pointed to the three cameras in the room, which were dutifully recording the whole thing.

“This camera, this camera, and this camera,” he said. “Let the people know what’s going on in your life!”

The Car Fox chuckled as he looked at each camera. “Well, I suppose I’m allowed to say this, as my superiors said it would really help our business…” He cleared his throat and spoke. “Get your free car at CARFAX.com!”

Everyone laughed.

“No, I mean it! Go to CARFAX.com this instant, viewer! I mean it!”

What a wholesome moment it was.

The cameras turned off.

The show was over.

Everyone was cleaning up. This had gone on way later than expected, thanks to a certain someone crashing the party. Henry nervously paced around, trembling, struggling to clean up. The poor lad was likely traumatized from the events of the day.

The tables were cleared, the cameras put away…

Everyone headed out.

The only two left in the building on this fine, clear night were Sean Evans…and the Car Fox.

They walked down to the lobby together. There were fine, high-class leather sofas strewn all across the room. The doors leading to the outside were right there.

The Car Fox turned to Sean Evans. “Well, it sure has been a wild ride,” he chuckled.

“…Yeah,” replied Sean Evans nonchalantly.

“…I, uh…suppose I’d better be off now,” said the Car Fox, sighing.

A moment of silence passes.

Out of the blue, the Car Fox found himself tightly gripped by Sean Evans.

“Whoa! S-Sean Evans, are you…are you okay?” The Car Fox was surprised.

Sean Evans wouldn’t let go.

“I…I’m sorry Car Fox. I know you have to go, but…”

He began to sob.

“I can’t imagine my life without you in it!!!” Sean Evans’s waterworks had certainly been turned on now.

The Car Fox didn’t say anything.

Suddenly, he looked up. “Sean Evans…”

Sean Evans separated himself from the Car Fox. The Car Fox got a good look at this man: this teary-eyed, plain bald man, wearing a simple gray sweatshirt with jeans and tennis shoes on. Suddenly, he got a strange feeling in his chest.

The Car Fox ran up to him and tackled him onto a sofa. What a rich, leathery, black-colored sofa it was! It was nice and soft…

“Oh, Sean Evans. I don’t think I could imagine my life without you either.” He chuckled.

Sean Evans was confused. “B-but…but Car Fox…what about CARFAX? Don’t you need to get down there?”

The Car Fox laughed. “Oh, I’ll just tell them that I’m staying the night with my favorite person. Trust me, they’ll understand.”

Sean Evans was relieved. He smiled, and this time, he cried tears of joy rather than tears of sadness. “Oh, Car Fox…”

The Car Fox chuckled. “Oh, Sean Evans…”

“You know…” began Sean Evans. “I was too scared to admit it, but…I love you Car Fox.”

The room suddenly began to feel quite hot.

The Car Fox chuckled.

“W-what?! What’s so funny?” Sean Evans got nervous.

“Oh, nothing…” said the Car Fox. “Just glad to know that the feeling is mutual.”

The two lovers laughed. Sean Evans and the Car Fox. The Car Fox and Sean Evans. What a lovely pair they made…

There they were, on the rich black sofa together…

And for the first time, they kissed.

They kissed hard. Sean Evans opened his mouth wide, and the Car Fox’s little tongue flicked around inside it, eager to do its job.

As the night waged on, the two’s feelings for one another only deepened…

There they were, on that black sofa in the Hot Ones lobby…

Sean Evans…and his lovely little partner, the Car Fox.

They had endured so much together. Friends forged in fire, they had been. Lovers bathed in the sauce of the hot wings, they were now.

They were completely inseparable.

And so they would remain until the end of time…

Sean Evans and CARFAX’s very own Car Fox.

THE END