Chapter Text
The roof of the math building isn't the most romantic place, but it's all Seungcheol has. With Jeonghan pressed against his side, rubbing circles into his torso, he almost thinks they'll last. Of course, they don't. Their time never lasts, not when Jeonghan is too afraid to be seen with him, not when Jeonghan despises being with him.
The two of them were polar opposites. While Seungcheol was well-built with short black hair, Jeonghan was slim and had flowy shoulder-length hair. While Seungcheol was an average C student, Jeonghan was a top-of-the-line A+ student. Seungcheol smoked, Jeonghan did not. Seungcheol was in love, Jeonghan was not.
It didn't surprise him when Jeonghan stood up ten minutes later, stretching his long, toned arms, and shot him a cold look. He had watched the younger leave with a dopey smile on his face. It was gone the minute the door closed and the bell rang, indicating that class was about to begin in a few.
Once he was sure everyone was situated in their classroom, with no teachers roaming around the building he was in, he reached into his backpack and dug out a fresh pack of cigarettes. Pulling out a lighter from his pocket, he flicked it and watched the flame come to life.
He exhaled slowly before taking a long drag, allowing the smoke to dominate his lungs, feeling the burn in his throat, letting his eyes water. No matter how much he smoked, he could never get used to the choking feeling. He realized that maybe, just maybe, getting the suffocating feeling from the cigarette felt better than getting it from Jeonghan.
The two of them had never been associated with each other. No one would think that a student like Jeonghan would end up together with a rebel like Seungcheol. No one included Seungcheol and Jeonghan as well.
When Jeonghan bursted through the rooftop doors one day and kissed him, breathing in the smoke from Seungcheol's mouth to his, Seungcheol had fallen in love with the boy. It became a weekly routine for them. Every Wednesday, right before Jeonghan's third period. At first, Jeonghan seemed completely infatuated with him. Things, of course, never go Seungcheol's way.
Seungcheol had planned on asking the other boy on a date, but his mouth snapped shut when he watched the other shoot up from his position and shoot him a disgusted glare and stomp off, the question laid heavy on his tongue. He doesn't think he ever smoked that many cigarettes in one day before.
Thursdays were the worst day in his opinion; when Jeonghan walks past him in the hallways with a boy named Hong Jisoo and doesn't spare him one glance. And yet, despite the pressure on his chest, he doesn't shoot the younger a glance either. He thinks it's comical, the fact that the boy who was putty his arms the day before acting like he didn't even know him.
Of course, it burned.
And he always covered the sensation by stepping outside into the grassy football field and letting the smoke fill up his lungs. Smoking had always been the substitute for Jeonghan. It gave him the same high, the same suffocating feeling, and the same after effect.
"I thought you said you were going to quit," a voice chimes in, nearly making Seungcheol drop the cigarette; he turns to the voice rapidly and sighs in discontent at its owner.
"What you want Wonwoo?"
"For you to keep Hansol's promise," the other replies, handings shoved into his front pockets.
"I promised Hansol I wouldn't harm myself, not not smoke."
"Don't you ever learn Seungcheol? Smoking is harming you. You're like breathing in the devil's farts."
With that, Seungcheol starts choking on the smoke and his free hand flies to smack onto his chest. He shoots the other a dirty look.
"I was enjoying that until you included the devil's bodily functions."
"You're welcome."
"Don't be an ass about it."
"I wasn't planning to," Wonwoo begins, "Let me get some of that, though."
"What about devil farts?"
"Considering that I used live with Mingyu, I think the devil's farts are way better than his."
Seungcheol passed the cigarette to the younger with a chuckle, watching him take the first inhale before looking out along the field. He leans back, pressing his back against the tree trunk and sliding down to sit. He motions for the other to do the same, before resting his head against Wonwoo's shoulder.
The younger hummed, intertwining their fingers. The two of them had always been too close for comfort for normal friends. Seungcheol had met Wonwoo back in the fourth grade, both seemingly gotten in trouble to breaking the other kid's crayons. Ever since, they've never left each other's side, claiming themselves as best friends.
They've been mistaken as a couple more than once, and Seungcheol had even considered the idea, but when Wonwoo had turned down the idea, kissing his cheek as an apology. That was when he vowed to never fall for his best friend. Maybe he did steal a kiss one or two times, but they never meant anything.
"Do you think he'll ever love me back?" Seungcheol asks, breaking the silence.
The other ponders for five beats before shrugging, "I think he does, but he's just too oblivious to acknowledge it."
"Maybe it's because I smoke."
"Seungcheol, you were smoking before you even knew of his existence."
"Oh yeah."
"God, why am I best friends with an idiot."
"You love me," Seungcheol retaliates.
"Says who?"
"Says your mom whenever I come over. She practically fusses over me and tells me all the things you told her about me."
Wonwoo glares at him from his position before bursting in laughter. He tightens his hold on Seungcheol's hand and lets his head fall on the others and together they finish the rest of the smoke and fall asleep in the hidden shades of the football field.
It's the last bell of the day that wakes Seungcheol up. It had always been the loudest, blaring around the campus. He turns only to find Wonwoo awake and staring intensely at the ground in front of him. His eyebrows furrow a bit before nudging the other boy.
Wonwoo turns and quirks and eyebrow at the cheeky grin on Seungcheol's face.
"Wanna call up the gang and have marathon movie night?"
"Seungcheol, we have school tomorrow."
"We can always skip, can't we?"
"Yeah, alright."
Turns out, marathon movie night really meant time for the six of them to order too much pizza and having an eating contest with Mingyu coming in first and Soonyoung and Jihoon tying at second. Hansol was disqualified for laughing and choking on his pizza; Seungcheol knocked out after his fourth slice and Wonwoo gave up after watching the other three devour the whole thing.
Seungcheol shot Wonwoo a lazy grin from the floor before getting up and walking outside on the balcony of his house. He snuck a cigarette when Wonwoo wasn't looking and smoking after eating was always his highlight.
Smoking became a regular routine after his parents had stopped giving him attention. They were both too busy with their jobs, working at different cities in different countries. They were never the affectionate type anyway. His parents stopped caring and he had stopped trying.
His thoughts were interrupted when a short male stood next to him. Jihoon smiled up at him, with his dimples and eyes smile and Seungcheol wonders why he couldn't fall for someone like the younger instead of boys who don't even like him in that way.
"What does smoking feel like?"
Seungcheol turns and gives the younger a hard stare, "You're not thinking about it are you?"
"Of course not, but you seem so into it."
Seungcheol chuckles at that and coos, "I couldn't stop even if I tried, Jihoonie."
Jihoon crinkles his nose in distaste of the nickname.
"Smoking feels like nothing," he continues, gaining a confused look, "but everything at the same time. You're so caught up with the smoke churning your throat that you don't realize anything else."
"Smoking sounds painful."
"Not as painful as heartbreak, though."
Seungcheol tosses the stick and crushes it with his shoe. He offers the other a lopsided smile before nodding his head to go back inside. The questioning look Wonwoo gives him when they're back into the living room is answered with a sad smile and he knows the topic isn't dropped when Wonwoo's eyes stay on him for the rest of the night.
It's only when everyone else is asleep in the living room with recordings of old tv shows playing in the background does Seungcheol really let go. He shuffles his way into the kitchen, in case any of them decide to wake up. With the small of his back pressed uncomfortably against the counter, he closes his eyes and bites his lip to hold back to whimper in the back of his throat, and finally lets a few tears escape.
He feels a presence near him and shoots his hands up to wipe at the tears before he realizes who it is. He relaxes his arms and feels Wonwoo pull him into a hug. His sobbing only worsens when the younger threads one hand into his hair and the other to his hand, whispering calming words into his ear.
"Let's go to sleep okay? We'll skip tomorrow, the guys already know," Wonwoo says after the sniffling dies down.
Seungcheol nods tiredly against his shoulder and allows himself to be pulled towards his room. It's comforting when he lands on his bed and he knocks out almost immediately, listening to the steady drum of Wonwoo's heartbeat.
When Seungcheol wakes up, it's eleven-forty-two in the morning. The covers feel warm against the bare skin of his arms, and the sunlight beaming through his window blinds make him feel embraced.
"Finally awake?" Wonwoo asks with his hair dripping of water from the shower.
Seungcheol whines and buries his face into his pillow. He groans in protest when Wonwoo rips the covers off of him and pulls him in a sitting position.
"Get up you ass. Let's go for a drive."
"You have such a foul mouth," Seungcheol says, getting up to stress.
"Says the one to smokes," the other argues.
"You do too!"
"Not on a daily basis."
"Well, you have kissed this foul mouth."
"And you've kissed mine."
Seungcheol sighs, admitting defeat before washing up. He doesn't do so until he mumbles incoherently about Wonwoo cheating.
He doesn't think about much when he showers. It's usually what he wants to eat, where he wants to go, why he's ditching, but this time, however, he's thinking about Jeonghan. Yoon Jeonghan, who was younger than him by two months. Who cried about not being good enough in front of him because he trusted Seungcheol to not say anything. Who had beautiful hair and an endearing smile with laughter that made Seungcheol feel at home. He thought about Jeonghan, who did not love him like he did to Jeonghan.
Was it really that hard to love him? Was he not good enough for the latter? Did he need to change?
The questions scatter around his mind faster than the water from the showerhead. He just wanted to understand why the other boy reacted the way that he did.
He quickly shakes the thoughts from his head and turns off the showerhead. There was no need for such thoughts today. He jumps into his clothes quickly, cringing at the way his shirt clings to his body because he didn't fully dry off. He dries his hair in an instant, brushing his teeth and quickly exiting the bathroom.
Wonwoo is already in his car with the radio turned on to the latest hip hop hits. Seungcheol sits in the passenger seat of his own car and laughs when Wonwoo raps along to the song before joining in.
They arrive at a beach after hours of playlists and slightly bumpy roads. Seungcheol relaxes against the back of his seat, resting his head against the window and looks out to the coastline. The beach was never really full on Fridays, with students at school and others at work. There were always those rebels who skipped, much like Wonwoo and himself.
He never thought the label "rebel" had been one hundred percent true for any of his friends. Soonyoung and Jihoon were talented, well-performed students. Mingyu was an astonishing art student and Hansol was always at the top of his science class. Wonwoo and he were never truly rebels at heart. Despite the sting the word had when thrown at them, they stood proudly.
"So why did we go to the beach so suddenly?" he asks, watching Wonwoo drive forward into a small parking space near the beach's cliff.
"To talk," the other responded, his eyes shifting from the front to the gear to Seungcheol.
"To talk?"
"Hell yeah to talk. You've been out of it lately you know? All that Jeonghan shit is driving you crazy," the other barks.
Seungcheol cringed at the mention of the other's name.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Won."
"Shut up Seungcheol. You know exactly what I'm talking about. What the hell happened to tough and brave Seungcheol? You've been breaking down so easily these days, it's like I don't even know you anymore!" Wonwoo yells. His demeanor drops faster than gravity could pull once he sees the expressionless face Seungcheol had.
"Well, maybe you don't know me."
"Seungcheol, wait. I'm sorry I didn't mean to," Wonwoo hurriedly says as he sees the other step out of the car.
He just waves, mumbling that he'll be back later.