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She should have suspected this is what would happen. She’d been naive, to just assume that his feelings were friendly. No boy would ever be that friendly towards a girl, not unless they were expecting something to come of it, obviously. Lily didn’t blame herself for not knowing as a child, she didn’t even think he knew then - just that he’d enjoyed her company, that he wanted to spend time with her. But as she got older, became a teenager, that’s when she should have known.
When he started hanging around her at Hogsmeade, following her with her friends. When he got upset that Potter kept speaking with her, as if she’d begged for his attention by simply sitting in class. Serverus had acted as if it was her fault, getting haughty and upset anytime James was in the vicinity.
Lily didn’t even like Potter, he was at best a laugh in class, but mostly she just found him and Black disruptive, and Peter was no better, following them around aimlessly, constantly begging for their approval. Remus was the only one of the bunch she found bearable - and they still only ever spoke about homework, really.
But Severus… he had his back up constantly, as if she’d personally slighted him by getting sorted into the same house.
It wasn’t fair, of course, and she hadn’t known him to be jealous before. Maybe of Petunia, a little bit as kids, but it still wasn’t like this - she could just go home if he bothered her, he couldn’t exactly follow her around her own house begging for forgiveness. At school though, he could follow her around as much as he liked, until she managed to give him the slip in one of the corridors.
After fifth year, with everything by the lake, things were so, so much worse.
Lily knew she shouldn’t have ignored who he’d started hanging out with… They were creepy, playing with dark magic - not for a laugh, or out of blind curiosity, but because they wanted power. She was embarrassed she’d defend him to Mary and Marlene, telling them he couldn’t help it was in the same house as them, after all, they were in the same house as Black and Potter and hadn’t started bullying anyone yet. But dark magic wasn’t bullying, it was evil, and Severus had started to engage with them more and more.
He’d owled her constantly over the summer, sending her endless, grieving messages about how sorry he was, the whole thing was Potter’s fault, that he would never, ever call her that again and would take it back in a second if he could.
She’d written back only once; to ask him to stop. He hadn’t, obviously.
Potter messaged her too, only once, just ‘I’m sorry, Lily’ scribbled on a piece of parchment. She hadn’t replied, and he’d never sent anything else.
He’d seemed to understand the message, and by the start of sixth year had left her be, no longer trying to get her attention. It was a relief to be left alone, but any of the time Potter had taken up before was replaced by Severus popping out at her any time she was alone.
“Lily!” Severus said desperately, sitting in the back corner of the potions classroom on the first day of term. They’d been partners every year - the best students in the class. “I saved you a seat.”
Lily looked at the empty seat beside him as students shuffled in around her. She did not want to sit there.
“Can’t see the board from back here.” She mumbled, looking across the room. “I’ve got to sit at the front.”
She turned on her heel hurriedly and took a seat in the front row, pulling out her cauldron and book from her bag.
“Er, is this seat taken?” Lily jumped, but when she looked up she was relieved to see Remus, pale as ever, standing over her.
“No. Sit.” Lily said, moving her chair over. “You’re not sitting with Peter this year?”
Remus shook his head fondly.
“Has Potter put you up to this?” Lily asked.
“No.” Remus said honestly. “I thought I might have a chance of getting into the slug club if I haven’t got to… well, carry Peter through this class.”
Before Lily could respond, feeling rather brightened, Severus came up behind Remus.
“You’re in my seat, Lupin.” Snape snarled, looking down at Remus, who had already pulled out his school book and potion supplies.
“No, he isn’t.” Lily said simply, refusing to look up at him. “We’re going to be partners this term.”
Severus gaped at her for a moment, before turning on his heel and sitting angrily at the back of the class, alone. Remus didn’t mention anything more, and simply asked her about her summer, saying his was dreadfully hot.
As it turned out, Remus was a better potions partner than Severus anyway, and merely listened to her, instead of pushing to do everything his way - their potion certainly hadn’t turned out any better, but the process of making them was much more enjoyable. Remus also didn’t mention James or Sirius, even though they were sitting just two rows behind them in class, with Peter trying desperately to copy their work.
“Well, I hope I haven’t dragged you down with my lousy frogspawn chopping skills.” Remus said at the end of class.
“You haven’t.” Lily reassured him as she gathered her supplies. “I think that went well.”
“I agree. There’s still hope for me in the slug club, I suspect.” Said Remus as they walked out of the classroom. He was almost painfully polite, Lily found - so different from his friends.
“Oi! Moony!” Sirius yelled from up the corridor.
“Ah. Duty calls.” Remus said, and bound up the stairs to follow them.
The moment Lily was alone she felt a cold, wiry hand grip around her upper arm, pulling her off to the side of the now deserted corridor.
“Lily, you have to talk to me for a minute.” Severus said as she ripped her arm out of his grasp.
“Not now.” Lily deeply wished she’d walked back to the common room with Marlene, instead of dawdling behind and chatting with Remus.
“Please- I just have to say that I’m sorry, again, Lily I know I shouldn't have said that to you, I haven’t been able to sleep-”
“Oh, well, if you haven’t been able to sleep, imagine how the rest of us mudbloods feel.” Lily snapped. “Just forget it, Severus.”
“I can’t forget it Lily, I won’t.” He begged, looking desperate. “I never wanted to hurt you, it was an accident, stupid Potter-”
“Don’t.” Lily stopped him. “Don’t act as if he made you say it.”
“Oh, I forgot. precious Potter can do no wrong.” Snape spat crudely. “And now you’re hanging out with Lupin, you know what’s wrong with him, don’t you? He’s-”
“A good potions partner, and you’d be smart to keep any other ideas to yourself.” Severus seethed at her words, his face twisted as she spoke. “You don’t know what might happen if you start to spread rumours.”
He knew what she meant, of course - that James and Sirius would have his head if he brought any harm to Remus, rumors or otherwise. That, Lily was sure of.
“We used to be best friends, Lily.” Severus said, reaching for her again. “Please, I-”
“Don’t. I know what they’re saying about us muggle borns, what Mulciber and Avery would do with the Imperius curse. It’s sick and you’re their friend.”
“Like those four wouldn’t do the same.” Said Severus, as if it was obvious.
Lily stared at him, shocked. “Maybe you would. But they wouldn’t.”
With that, Lily spun around and walked as quickly as she could up the stairs, away from Severus, calling for her to come back, that he wasn’t done talking to her.
She wished she’d never talked to Severus in the first place, could go back in time and tell her nine year old self to avoid him. He’d never listened to her, not really. Severus had been the reason for the fall out with Petunia, the reason why her sister would barely even speak to her anymore. Lily didn’t know it then, but she could see now that he’d caused the rift, always wanting to dig through her stuff and bother her, pushing Petunia away any time she came close, always saying that she wasn’t as important, as good as them.
As Lily walked to the Gryffindor common room she wondered if anything he’d ever said had been real - if any of his niceties had ever been genuine, or if it had always been a ruse to get her to like him. She thought they’d liked the same things, had so much in common, but the older they got the more apparent it became that he’d just agreed with her aimlessly, hoping she’d fall desperately in love with him.
Severus hadn’t been her friend in a long time, she thought miserably, he’d been controlling, haughty, angry - she’d stayed away from James Potter, anyone he hung out with, just to avoid Severus’ inevitable jealousy. Lily had never been interested in him, not in that way. She got nervous around him sometimes, but more because she could tell how much he liked her, she’d blush uncomfortably under his intense gaze.
It certainly wasn’t like James’ crush on her, which was silly, playful almost. Lily could stand that, could say no to him easily, no fear of hurting him with her rejection - no concern of any retaliation. But Severus… even looking in the direction of another boy seemed to set him off, as though he’d staked claim on her.
If Severus saw her so much as talk to Potter he’d beg her to describe the interaction, as if to assure himself there was nothing going on that he wasn’t aware of.
“Twinkle toes.” Lily mumbled to the Fat Lady and the portrait hole opened.
It was empty in the common room, save for James Potter, who was lounging on the couch alone, looking down at a piece of parchment. He looked up at her and smiled slightly, but said nothing.
Lily walked over and dropped her bag beside the couch.
“Er, do you want to sit?” James asked, moving his legs off the couch so there was space.
“Are you going to ask me out?” Lily muttered.
“Not unless you want me to, I suppose.”
“I don’t.”
“Well, that’s settled then.” James said easily, and moved over, so he was pressed against the arm, plenty of room for Lily to sit.
Lily sat silently on the couch, staring into the fire and thinking about how she had another two years of avoiding Severus in front of her - a daunting task, considering he seemed to wait around every corner to jump out at her. He was worse than Peeves, at this point.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” James offered, and Lily just shrugged. “Do you want to talk?”
“Not really.”
“Alright.” James said, and went back to his parchment.
Lily looked at him. Something had shifted - he seemed older than before, she thought. Maybe it was the looming war, maybe it was after all the fuss last year, but he seemed a lot more grown up. He was softer, less obnoxious than he had been in years previous. Maybe a bit more handsome, Lily noticed before she could stop herself.
“Is Remus alright?” Lily asked him.
“Oh yes, perfectly fine.” James said absent mindedly. “Just a little furry problem, you know? Sirius and I have it well under control. No need to worry about your potions grade.”
“I’m not worried about my potions mark! I happen to like Remus.” Lily said.
“Not surprising, he’s quite pleasant.” James grinned. “Only occasionally moony- er, moody, that is.”
Lily laughed, and momentarily forgot how thoroughly miserable she was at the prospect of spending the next year being called mudblood by everyone who lived in the dungeon.
“You might just be alright, Potter.”
“Take that back!” James said quickly, horror on his face. “You’ll ruin my reputation if you start saying that.”
“Not much to be ruined, is there?”
James looked offended. “Not much to be ruined? I can’t go around having people thinking I'm well behaved, can I? I’ve spent five years getting people to think the opposite! If you start telling people I’m alright they might get me in the slug club or worse, give me a prefect’s badge!”
Lily laughed again - it felt like she hadn’t laughed all summer, or even since that horrible day after their O.W.L.s. She was more than a little surprised it was James who had gotten it out of her, but he was being undeniably pleasant.
“Couldn’t have that, could we?” Lily said. “What would Sirius think?”
“I’d be disowned, certainly.” James nodded firmly.
“Exiled, perhaps?” Lily offered.
“Absolutely. Couldn’t show my face in the Gryffindor tower again.” Said James. “Do you think Hufflepuff would take me? They could use a new chaser on their quidditch team, anyway.”
So this, Lily thought, is what it’s meant to be like. To speak lightly with a friend, to joke, no tension or anger or jealousy under the surface. James had somehow made it easy for her to let go a little, so she didn’t have to have her back up with every word spoken to her, or be careful not to answer in a way that would upset him.
It was nice.
“Hm. Maybe Slytherin, since you’re a pureblood and all.” Said Lily, and James grew quiet.
“That’s all nonsense.” He waved his hand dismissively, as if to clear the air.
“Not to them.” Lily said hollowly, eyes wandering back to the fireplace.
“To anyone with a brain it is. Look at Sirius and I, we don’t hold a candle to you, you’re much better with magic than we’ll ever be.”
That wasn’t true, and Lily knew it. They were much better wizards than they’d ever let on, and she suspected it had something to do with Remus, but she didn't dare ask about it, not wanting to seem like anything going on with him bothered her - since it didn’t.
Lily glanced at James quickly. He looked upset maybe, but only a little, and certainly not with her.
“Sorry. That was depressing.” Lily said.
“Life’s a bit depressing right now, isn’t it?” James mumbled as he folded down a corner of his parchment. “It won’t always be like this though.”
She hoped he was right, of course. Lily wasn’t sure how much of this she could take, feeling unsafe in her own school. It was the last place she’d ever have expected to feel this way - her first four years had been amazing, perfect, like a dream. But last year had been terrible, and there was a definite shift, and suddenly everything changed and no one with her blood status was safe.
Then, Sirius bounded down the stairs from the boys dormitories, shouting for James to come see what he’d caught Peter doing.
“Er… mind if I go?” James asked. “I might have to save Pete. Just from humiliation, obviously.”
“Of course.” Lily said. James stood up, parchment tucked under his arm, and went to follow Sirius. Lily watched him as he turned back on the landing of the stairs and gave her a smile.
She smiled back, and wished secretly he hadn’t gone.