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“...You’re in a car with a beautiful boy,
and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to
choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and
he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your
heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you
don’t even have a name for.”
-Richard Siken
As the girl in front of him stammered out a confession, Kei studied the concrete wall decorated with bright posters. How many had that made this month? How many did he have to reject before word would finally spread that he simply wasn’t interested? He tried not to be rude as he turned her away, but he was sure she caught the hint of annoyance in his voice before she flitted away, red-faced and eyes glistening.
He rubbed slender fingers beneath his glasses and over his eyes. It wasn’t like he’d chosen to be this way. He’d just never felt whatever feelings teenage boys seemed to have in abundance when it came to girls. Or boys, for that matter.
Some part of him worried that he might be broken, that he’d cut out his heart and it would no longer work properly even if he could shove it back into the hole in his chest.
“Tsukki!”
His head perked up instantly, turning to let his gaze fall upon his best friend. Yamaguchi was perhaps the only person in the universe whose presence he found even remotely tolerable.
Yamaguchi’s face dropped a bit, looking concerned as he slowed to a stop in front of him. “Another confession?”
Kei nodded, a bitter taste on his tongue.
“Ah,” he said. “Sorry, Tsukki.”
Kei let out an exasperated sigh as he turned to walk towards the gym, Yamaguchi at his side. “It’s fine. I just wish they would spread the word or something that I’m not interested in a relationship. It’s always so uncomfortable.”
Yamaguchi made a thoughtful sound before chuckling softly. “Maybe you should tell them you’re gay.”
He scoffed, arching an eyebrow as his lips curled into a slight smirk. “And then have guys confessing to me instead?”
A frown crossed Yamaguchi’s face as he faltered in his steps. Kei continued on for a few beats before pausing to wait for him.
“Well, what if they all thought you were taken?”
He didn’t even have to consider it. “In what movie has it ever gone well when the main character lies about being in a relationship with some made-up person who goes to college?”
Yamaguchi shook his head and continued on stubbornly. “No, I mean what if you pretended to date someone from school? You have a soft spot for Yachi, I’m sure she’d at least consider it.”
“Yachi couldn’t lie to save her life. Absolutely not.”
“Well… You seem to get along with Noya for the most part?”
Kei glared at him as if to dare him to continue. Thankfully, he took the hint and dropped it, the two of them falling into a comfortable silence as they continued down the nearly empty halls.
“Um. What about me, then? Obviously we wouldn’t have to kiss or anything, just hold hands a little in the halls. Right?”
Kei froze, biting his tongue so he wouldn’t snap at his best friend for his idiocy. He forced himself to take a breath and consider the idea. While it was possibly the dumbest thing Yamaguchi had ever said, he couldn’t find any solid rebuttal. It wouldn’t alter their relationship because neither of them felt anything besides normal, platonic friendship for each other. Kei was quite certain Yamaguchi had some form of crush on Yachi, while he felt nothing of the sort for anyone. He clicked his tongue.
Theoretically, it would make sense. After all, there had been a handful of people already who’d thought they were a couple. Plus, they spent the majority of their time together anyway. This didn’t mean they’d have to act all sappy and romantic or anything. They’d be their normal selves with their normal routines, just with the label of “boyfriends.”
There was just one thing Kei couldn’t quite piece together.
“What do you have to gain from any of this?”
Yamaguchi went still. Then he shrugged, reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck the way he tended to do when he was uncomfortable or anxious. “Just helping you out is a good enough reason for me.”
Looking him over in disbelief, Kei continued with disinterest. “If it’s to make someone jealous, that’s fine. But also really stupid.”
“No! No, I don’t want to make anyone jealous. Honestly,” Yamaguchi assured.
How bad could it be?
“Okay.”
Yamaguchi blinked, seemingly surprised with this response, but he recovered quickly, reaching out his hand and looking at Kei with a slight wobble to his smile. Slowly, Kei laced his fingers with Yamaguchi’s, taking note of how warm they were, if not a bit sweaty. All in all, it wasn’t terrible. It felt normal. Natural. He didn’t get those butterflies people always talked about. It was survivable at the very least, especially if it meant less attention from the girls who liked him for some reason.
They continued down the hall in silence for a few moments before Kei glanced over to see Yamaguchi staring down at their hands clasped together, unable to quite read his expression. Kei let go.
“If you don’t want to do this, it’s fine.”
“No! Um- It was my idea anyway, I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t comfortable with it.”
Kei leveled him with an unimpressed look, prompting the other boy to continue.
“It’s just… thinking about holding hands with someone, it always made me nervous. But, it just feels normal with you.”
Kei snorted a soft laugh, shaking his head. “Probably because you think of it as some romantic gesture with someone else, but we’ve known each other forever so it’s not weird.”
Yamaguchi went silent again, Kei assumed to consider what he’d just said, then gave him a bright smile and took his hand again.
As they walked, Kei glanced over again. “Won’t us pretending to date get in the way of whoever you have a crush on?”
Yamaguchi sputtered for a moment and shook his head fiercely, looking somewhat like a dog trying to dry off. “No, they’re- trust me, they’re not even remotely interested.”
Kei frowned. Perhaps he should say something about Yamaguchi not putting himself down like that, or tell him that any girl would be lucky to have him, but it felt weird.; Vulnerable, somehow. Yamaguchi may be the only person worth being around, but admitting that wasn’t something Kei thought he could ever do. Fake dating or not. He wasn’t the sentimental type to discuss emotions or try to sprinkle sunshine and rainbows over anyone. If Yamaguchi seriously needed to talk, he would ask. If not, Kei was more than happy to remain silent.
They rounded the corner to the club room, nearly being plowed over by Nishinoya and Hinata. The ginger squawked––literally squawked , like a bird––and pointed at Kei and Yamaguchi’s interwoven fingers while Nishinoya grinned. The libero patted both of their shoulders.
“Took you long enough,” he said with a laugh before making his way to the gym. Hinata followed, turning to gape at them again before his face split into an annoyingly large smile before darting off.
Kei stiffly peered down at a blushing Yamaguchi. “What the hell does that mean?”
Yamaguchi just shrugged meekly and shook his head before they both entered the room to change.
***
The next few weeks passed by without a hitch. They held hands between classes as well as before and after school, and it was fine. There were always a few glances or quiet snickering that was surely directed at them, but it was easy to brush off. Even better was the fact that not a single girl had approached Kei to confess their unreciprocated (and frankly unwelcome) feelings.
He felt more at ease than ever walking through the halls at school. They got a few stares and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t notice the occasional whisper between other students at their interlocked hands. Frankly, though, Kei had no trepidation in simply ignoring them.
He took his usual place in the shade of a tree and produced a bento from his bag, pushing the contents around with disinterest. The grass was a bit dry from the lack of rain recently, and the ground a bit hard, but he disregarded the minor annoyances. It was hot but not stifling in the way the crowded classrooms were.
“Tsukki!”
Yamaguchi plopped into the grass at his side, their shoulders resting easily against each other. Kei arched a brow as he peered down at the freckle-spattered face of his best friend, who had torn open a chip bag so violently that he sent chips flying across both of their laps.
“Seriously, Yamaguchi?”
Yamaguchi chuckled as he plucked a chip from Kei’s thigh and ate it happily. “Sorry, Tsukki.”
Kei rolled his eyes, maintaining the perfect facade of mild annoyance. Yamaguchi rambled on about his day as he continued snacking on his chips while Kei ate his lunch in relative silence, content with listening. He glanced over as Yamaguchi jabbered on about something Kei didn’t quite hear, too focused on the twinkle of utter delight in his deep, brown eyes. Had his smile always been so endearing?
“Erm- Tsukki?”
He cleared his throat and snapped out of whatever weird spiral his thoughts were heading towards. Kei gestured vaguely towards Yamaguchi’s face.
“You have crumbs.”
He mentally applauded himself for his quick thinking. With any luck, the heat rising in his cheeks and ears wouldn’t be noticeable as he schooled his expression to something neutral.
Yamaguchi dragged a sleeve over the side of his mouth and looked at Kei questioningly. Only, a stray crumb from his sleeve ended up at the corner of his mouth, so this time he really did have crumbs on his face.
Kei sighed in faux exasperation and reached forward, brushing it off without lingering.
“You’re hopeless.”
Yamaguchi blinked away the apparent shock from Kei’s actions and beamed at him, bright as the summer sun shining down upon them. “Thanks, Tsukki.”
Kei clicked his tongue and refocused his attention back on his lunch. If the panic buzzing in the back of his mind showed, Yamaguchi was kind enough not to comment on it.
***
Thankfully, there had been no more strange moments between them since that day at lunch. Things were back to normal between Kei and his best friend. He’d been quick to assess his thoughts from a more logical viewpoint later on and decided he’d just been letting the fake dating get to his head. They were friends and nothing more, and both of them were happy with that.
He glanced down at his and Yamaguchi’s interwoven fingers and found himself wondering why he and Yamaguchi hadn't done this sooner. It was surprisingly nice.
“Is… everything okay, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked, following his gaze.
Kei nodded.
“Are you sure?” Yamaguchi prodded, brows knitting together. “Since we’re at a different school for a game I doubt any girls would come up to confess to you, if you’d rather not hold hands.”
Kei tightened his grip on Yamaguchi’s hand. He’d grown accustomed to the feeling of it in his, warm and calloused from practice. “It’s fine. It would feel weirder not to at this point.”
He was too busy studying the match on the gym floor below to notice the small smile of satisfaction taking over Yamaguchi’s lips.
“I agree, Tsukki…” he murmured softly enough that Kei didn’t know if he was supposed to hear, tilting his head to peer down at him. Yamaguchi smiled brightly, eyes squeezing shut, and something about it made Kei’s heart flip. He mentally shook himself. Surely it was just nerves for the upcoming game.
Deep, chocolate-brown eyes gazed into his. Yamaguchi’s lips parted, looking like he wanted to say something important, and Kei dipped his head fractionally lower to listen.
“Yamaguchiii!” called an annoying and all-too-familiar voice, followed by a hyperactive ball of orange hair. “Will you go to the bathroom with me? I asked Bakageyama but he said no and every time I go alone, weird stuff happens! Oh- are you guys having a moment?”
Yamaguchi glanced from Hinata to Kei, both of them realizing just how close they were standing and taking a step backward. Yamaguchi gave Kei an apologetic smile before turning toward Hinata, releasing his hand. “No, it’s fine, Hinata. I’ll see you in a sec, Tsukki!”
With that, he accompanied Hinata in the direction of the restrooms, leaving Kei standing by himself wondering what had just happened.
Yamaguchi had wanted to say something but of course Hinata would have to interrupt. He looked like a stupid orange dandelion, or a dandelion that had been set on fire. Kei briefly considered setting Hinata on fire so he wouldn’t interrupt them the next time, but the thought was fleeting and harmless. He wasn’t a psychopath.
He did, however, need to bring up whatever Yamaguchi had meant to tell him if the other boy didn’t first. Had he always smiled so brightly, or had Kei done something to warrant it? More importantly, how could he get him to smile like that again?
“Don’t be mad!”
Kei blinked, looking down.
Once again interrupted from doing anything better than talking to the short ginger, Kei frowned at Hinata like he’d offended him. “Why would I-”
“Another blond guy who looks way cooler than you hit on Yamaguchi and I tried to stop him and Yamaguchi said he was taken but he kept trying to get Yamaguchi’s number and-”
Yamaguchi jogged up behind Hinata, a bit out of breath as he placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Nothing happened, Tsukki. He was just flirting, it was harmless.”
Something hot and foreign flared up in Kei’s chest, though he quickly pushed it back down and took a step towards Yamaguchi, Hinata flitting out of his way. Kei placed his hands on each of Yamaguchi’s arms, prompting the other to look up at him.
“Are you okay?”
His voice had come out a bit softer than he’d meant it to, and he could have sworn he heard Yamaguchi swallow dryly before nodding an affirmative. Kei draped an arm over Yamaguchi’s shoulder, trying not to notice how natural it felt, how easily Yamaguchi relaxed into him.
Why wouldn’t he, though? They’d been friends forever, so it was logical that Yamaguchi would trust him, to find some modicum comfort in his presence even if Kei wasn’t fond of physical affection. It made sense.
He kept his arm around Yamaguchi’s shoulders until it was time for them to migrate towards the gym to warm up for their match, instead lacing their fingers together like they had done so many times in the last few weeks. Kei was beginning to think he might actually enjoy it.
Now, Kei was known for his intelligence and considered himself to be quite level-headed. He could be downright mean, yes, but his words and actions were generally well thought-out.
He didn’t know why he’d thought it would be a good idea, or rather if he’d even thought at all––but after watching the captain of the other team sneaking glances at Yamaguchi for half of the game, Kei felt uncomfortable in his own skin. He couldn’t even imagine how Yamaguchi felt. So, when Kei took the paddle from Yamaguchi when Ukai sent him in as a pinch server, Kei leaned over and whispered into his ear.
“Nice serve, babe.”
He gave him a firm smack to the rear for good measure, looking over his shoulder to see the blond from the other team chuckle and raise his hands as if to signal he was backing off.
Good.
He only had a few short seconds to be smug before his attention recentered on a red-faced and noticeably panicking Yamaguchi.
Reality crashed down on him mercilessly. How could he have been so stupid? He’d just embarrassed his best friend in front of what appeared to be a hundred people. He’d embarrassed Yamaguchi, who already struggled with his nerves when he played. Yamaguchi turned his head, ball in hand, and locked eyes with Kei. Kei gave what he hoped was an encouraging nod, and Yamaguchi seemed to relax, albeit marginally.
The whistle blew. Yamaguchi took a deep breath, took a step forward, tossed the ball, took two more quick steps, then jumped–
The ball flew over the net, arcing down just before it reached the libero, hitting the gym floor with a satisfying thwack .
The team erupted in cheers, Tanaka and Nishinoya running over to pat Yamaguchi on the back. However, Yamaguchi looked over to the bench with a bright smile and gave Kei a thumbs up. Kei couldn’t help but chuckle and give him a thumbs up as well.
“You know,” Sugawara stated, leaning closer to Kei. “I thought I was going to have to strangle you for that little stunt, but it looks like it turned out okay. Maybe don’t try to give your boyfriend a nervous breakdown in future matches, though?”
Kei felt heat rising in his cheeks, his body going rigid. He merely nodded silently, keeping his eyes on the court– specifically, on Yamaguchi (though nobody needed to know that).
After only a few more serves, the other team scored and Yamaguchi took his place next to Kei with a pleased grin. Their eyes met for a brief moment and he burst out laughing hard enough to double over, and Kei swore he heard “nice serve, babe,” repeated back to him in a mocking tone. He frowned and shifted his gaze to anywhere but Yamaguchi, his face growing uncomfortably hot.
***
After a close win, they both decided to hang out at the Tsukishima residence since they didn’t have to be up early the following morning. Kei mashed the “x” button on his controller, Yamaguchi’s legs draped over his thighs as he tapped something out on his laptop.
“Hey, Tsukki?”
Kei grunted in acknowledgment, not tearing his eyes from the screen.
Yamaguchi shifted on Kei’s bed, removing his legs from his lap and leaning in to tilt the screen for Kei to see. He paused the game and adjusted his glasses to see the laptop better. “I don’t really understand this word for our assignment.”
“Hm. Radiant, it’s like-” Kei’s eyes flitted over to Yamaguchi’s, breath catching in his throat at their proximity.
Like you….
He leaned away, shoving down the unwelcome thought to wherever it had come from. He cleared his throat and tried again, “It’s warm, or glowing.”
Yamaguchi nodded thoughtfully before beaming at him brightly. “Thanks, Tsukki!”
His fingers tapped over the laptop keys with a concentrated expression over his face. Realizing he was staring, Kei quickly returned his focus to his game. It wasn’t long before Yamaguchi had already begun packing his things away.
“I should head home before it gets too late,” he began, already shouldering his bag.
Kei stood and stretched, his back letting out a satisfying pop. “I’ll walk you out.”
Once outside, Yamaguchi hesitated at the door. He shifted his weight between his feet, biting at the inside of his cheek. Kei wished he wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable asking him for things or talking, yet his nervous habits never seemed to disappear for good. One day, he hoped he might be able to remedy that. He wanted to show Yamaguchi that nothing he said or did would make Kei think any less of him. Kei would be there regardless.
“Hey, Tsukki?”
Kei froze, nearly choking on air as he realized where his thoughts were headed. Thankfully, he either hid it well or Yamaguchi was too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice.
“What was that about? At the match?”
Kei feigned nonchalance with a lazy shrug and kept his face neutral. “My pretend boyfriend was getting hit on. Did you expect me to do nothing?”
“Right…” Yamaguchi trailed off, anxiety still evident in the way he flicked his eyes away and wiped his hands on his pants. Kei now knew firsthand how his palms grew sweaty over next to nothing.
Kei chuckled dryly, ignoring the strange tightness in his chest at his best friend’s expression. “It’s not real, Yamaguchi. You have nothing to worry about.”
Yamaguchi nodded, stepping closer. A soft punch fell on Kei’s arm, with no real force behind it. Yamaguchi arched an eyebrow, looking up with a playful glint in his eyes. “Well, my fake boyfriend can buy me a drink first next time. Or at least give me a heads up.”
Shaking his head with a small huff of amusement, Kei looked down at Yamaguchi. Really looked. Time became fuzzy as he took in the way his eyes reflected the porch light. Had his eyes always been so dark, yet so full of light? They almost seemed to sparkle, tiny stars dancing through the dark. In complete contrast, dark freckles dusted over skin paled by the moonlight.
Kei leaned forward subconsciously, like a moth drawn to a flame, close enough that he swore he could feel Yamaguchi’s warm breath ghosting over his face.
“You nailed your jump float serve, though…” Kei breathed, just more than a whisper.
Yamaguchi’s eyes nearly squeezed completely shut as he grinned happily, edging his face just a hair closer to Kei’s. “Maybe you’re my good luck charm.”
Kei glanced down at his lips as he spoke, taking note of a tiny freckle at the corner of his mouth he’d never noticed before, his mind offering him nothing but TV static. “Yeah….”
Warm hands cupped his cheeks and Kei’s eyes fluttered closed, his own hands instinctively settling over Yamaguchi’s hips. His breath smelled faintly of something sweet, and soft lips brushed against his own. Kei’s heart skipped a beat and he froze, the kiss lasting an eternity but over entirely too soon. It was nothing different from the way his mother had kissed him on the cheek when he was younger, but his head spun as electricity raced through his bloodstream.
“Tsukki..?”
Snapping back into reality, Kei took a step backward, tearing his hands from Yamaguchi’s sides like they’d been burned. Terror flooded his system and he attempted to force his expression into something less panicked. Unfortunately, it settled on something cold and flat, devoid of emotion entirely. His voice echoed the same.
“Goodnight.”
Kei retreated to the safety of his house, nearly slamming the door behind him in Yamaguchi’s face and practically sprinting to his room.
He stared at his familiar bedroom, finding no comfort in the white walls, the desk with his books, the shelves with dinosaur figurines and framed photos. Perhaps it would help if Yamaguchi wasn’t staring back at him in half of the pictures, their younger faces pressed close together and beaming. Maybe if Yamaguchi hadn’t been the one who bought him his favorite T-Rex figurine for his birthday one year, his head would stop spiraling. But no– everywhere he looked, Yamaguchi resided. He had slowly wormed his way into every corner, every nook and cranny of Kei’s room; of his life.
And he’d just gone and shattered it.
Kei kissed Yamaguchi. Or, rather, Yamaguchi had kissed him. Or, was it Kei? Regardless… He didn’t hate it. He didn’t even feel indifferent. He’d enjoyed it. He may have even wanted to do it again.
No. No . Absolutely not. Kei didn’t feel sappy things like that. More than that, he definitely didn’t have a crush on his best friend, whom he happened to be fake dating for a very valid and logical reason. He didn’t enjoy physical affection. He didn’t enjoy those deep brown eyes gazing up at him, that hair that never sat quite right, those freckles dusted in clusters over tanned skin. He didn’t enjoy the warmth and comfort Yamaguchi radiated at all times.
Radiant…
Like you…
Kei stalked to his bed and snatched up his phone, prepared to send Yamaguchi a text immediately cutting off this weird fake relationship thing they were doing.
Yamaguchi:
Hey, sorry for that! I didn’t mean to cross a line, I don’t know what that was all about. Just got too wrapped up in the fake dating thing I guess! But I made it home safe, thought you should know 😀
Yamaguchi:
Really, I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything, I just thought you wanted to because we were so close and stuff and I completely misread things. I hope you’re okay, see you at school Monday?
Tsukishima:
It’s fine. I don’t think the fake dating is a good idea though.
He glared at the phone and backspaced, the cursor blinking at him derisively.
It’s fine. See you Monday.
Backspacing again, he sighed and rubbed his temples.
It’s fine.
Kei frowned in annoyance.
Don’t worry about it. Maybe the fake dating isn’t such a good idea though.
Not quite satisfied but lacking the proper mindset to form anything better, he hit send. Kei dropped the phone back onto the bed, plopping down next to it and pushing his glasses up to bury his face in his hands.
It was absurd. Could he actually have feelings for his best friend? He was quite possibly the only tolerable person in existence. Kei still didn’t feel the butterflies or get those metaphorical heart eyes that were supposed to accompany high school crushes. He didn’t want to dance with him in the rain or write him sappy poetry or watch those disgusting romance movies with him that his mom liked so much.
His phone lit up beside him and he blatantly ignored it, undeniable proof that he strictly thought of Yamaguchi as a friend.
Thinking back on it, his heart rate was probably just elevated due to the unexpectedness of the situation. He’d only noticed the depth of his eyes and that freckle by the corner of his mouth because he’d never seen Yamaguchi’s face so close to his before.
Regardless, even if he did have feelings for Yamaguchi––which he didn’t––Yamaguchi didn’t feel the same. And even if Yamaguchi felt the same––which he also didn’t ––Kei wasn’t relationship material. He wasn’t doting or sweet, even on his best days. He was downright awful when it came to honest and open communication. Even if everything lined up perfectly, if they both harbored the same feelings of attraction toward the other, Kei would never be good enough for Yamaguchi.
He pushed aside the sharp pang of self-loathing and armored his mind with iron plates. Yamaguchi may not have been a starter, but he put in infinitely more work into volleyball. He may be an anxious wreck oftentimes, but he was braver than Kei by a thousandfold. He was kind, understanding, warm––things that Kei admired but never aspired to be. Simply put, Yamaguchi deserved better than anything Kei could give him.
Kei’s phone screen lit up again and he begrudgingly focused his attention on it.
Yamaguchi:
Right… I’m sorry for this whole mess, I guess it was a stupid idea to begin with
Yamaguchi:
Night, Tsukki. Sorry for everything
A painful knot tightened in his chest. Yamaguchi was hurt; that much was clear. This was the exact reason that dating him was not and would never be an option. Kei was a myriad of sharp edges. Anyone who got too close would inevitably get cut.
Tsukishima:
Not your fault. Night.
Sleep was slow to come that night, leaving Kei tossing and turning to stare at the ceiling, the wall, the crumpled up comforter covering him. Once he was finally able to drift off, it was only in short increments, and he woke the next day feeling more tired than before he’d fallen asleep.
The day dragged by, Kei busying himself with anything to keep him from typing out some stupid apology or asking Yamaguchi what his plans were for the day.
The following day was much the same, and he settled into bed for what he didn’t doubt would be another restless night.
After about an hour of the inability to shut his brain off that had become all too familiar, his phone lit up. More quickly than he’d care to admit, he grabbed his glasses from the table beside his bed and pushed them onto his face, unlocking the phone.
Yamaguchi:
You awake?
Kei stiffened. Yamaguchi hadn’t texted him for the entirety of the weekend, and Kei had accepted that he needed space. Yet, here he was, asking if Kei was awake as the time neared midnight when they had school the following morning.
He leaned back in the bed. If he didn’t respond, Yamaguchi would just assume that he was asleep. No harm could come of it.
Tsukishima:
Yeah.
Kei didn’t know when he became such an idiot. He didn’t have long to chastise himself for it as his phone lit up again.
Yamaguchi:
I saw this today and thought of you
Attached was a picture of a blue dinosaur plush, and Kei fought to contain his grin. Still, he couldn’t quite force down the warmth blooming in his chest.
Sleep came a bit easier after texting back and forth with Yamaguchi for a while. Thankfully, his dreams were too hazy to remember the next morning.
He didn’t rush to get ready for school. He may have dumped half of his cereal rather than eating it, but he wasn’t in any hurry. Regardless, he was the first to arrive at the place he and Yamaguchi met up on their daily walk to school.
He only removed his headphones once Yamaguchi was about ten yards away and he realized the song playing was only halfway through. Though he’d much rather let the song finish out, he paused it. Yamaguchi may have been fairly good at pretending it didn’t bother him, but Kei always noticed the slight downward curve of his lips when he wasn’t particularly inclined to remove his headphones during their walks to and from school.
They exchanged quick greetings, the air between them heavy despite it being a clear and slightly cooler summer morning. Kei set forth first, knowing Yamaguchi would fall into step beside him.
Their knuckles brushed and Kei stuffed his hands into his pockets. It was truly annoying how much he wanted to hold Yamaguchi’s hand, how naturally it had become a habit ingrained into his daily routine.
The conversation was a bit awkward, something heavy weighing in the air between them. Kei was vaguely aware of Yamaguchi’s eyes on him, but he stubbornly kept his attention forward.
They changed in silence, and Yamaguchi slipped away to talk to Yachi as Kei stretched before practice began. Though his curiosity was piqued, he gave Yamaguchi his space rather than following him as he wanted to. He glanced over to see the two looking at him and quickly looked away, uneasy.
Kei found himself having more difficulty focusing during practice than usual. Kageyama and Hinata’s freak quick slipped past him every time, only serving to sour his mood further. After practice, Kageyama stepped behind him in the locker room and Kei quirked a brow in annoyance.
Taking it as a sign to speak rather than leave, Kageyama cleared his throat. “I don’t know what’s going on between you and Yamaguchi, but maybe you should talk to him.”
Kei scoffed. “Thanks, King. Didn’t know I asked for your advice.”
As was intended, the setter bristled. Yet, he didn’t storm off as Kei had hoped he might.
“Yamaguchi’s a good guy. I don’t know what happened between you two, but I’m assuming it’s your fault. So you should fix it since he puts up with your snarky attitude for whatever reason.”
Kei bit his tongue and shook his head. “Maybe you should consider minding your own business.”
He slung his bag over his shoulder and stalked out of the room, only to run into Yachi on the way to class.
“Tsukishima! Hey! Can I talk to you for a second?”
Kei sighed but turned to look down at her. Did he have a neon sign above his head saying that he was approachable today?
“Hey, is everything okay with you and Yamaguchi? I know it isn’t any of my business but you both seemed really off during practice and I just wanted to help out if I could. I don’t like seeing either of you so upset.”
He held back a sigh. Unlike Kageyama, he genuinely disliked being rude to Yachi. “Everything’s fine.”
“Everything doesn’t seem fine though,” Yachi murmured softly. “If you don’t want me to pry then I won’t, but-”
Kei couldn’t stop himself from interrupting, his annoyance and anger with himself coiling in his chest like a venomous snake. “We were never even dating in the first place. It was just an act.”
“Wha- but Yamaguchi just told me he’d messed things up between you two. He was really upset,” Yachi continued. It caused Kei to falter for a moment. Of course Yamaguchi would blame himself. Kei hadn’t exactly helped to convince him otherwise. He shook his head, both to clear it and to negate the possibility of any of this being Yamaguchi’s fault.
“No, it was me who messed up. I let it get too real.” Kei allowed his less kind inner thoughts slip out just a bit to drive the point home further. “And besides, Yamaguchi doesn’t need me. Not like that. Someone like you or Hinata would be better for him.”
Yachi blushed, quickly informing him that she very much didn’t see Yamaguchi that way.
Kei nodded in silent understanding and swallowed down a wave of… Relief? “Still. You know Yamaguchi and you know me. I’m the last person he should want in a sense like that.”
A pained expression curved Yachi’s lips downwards into a frown. “I think you should talk to him and listen to what he has to say.”
Kei hummed in agreement, heading towards class. He didn’t have to talk to Yamaguchi about it. They’d made things fairly clear between them. Regardless, relationships were decidedly not for Kei. Talking about your feelings,being all soft and mushy over someone––it simply wasn’t him. It never would be.
Still, as the day inched forward at a sluggish pace, his traitorous mind kept prompting him with what-ifs and other uselessly hopeful thoughts.
***
The bell signaling the end of the day rang at long last and Kei carefully slipped his schoolwork and textbooks into his bag. Both dreading and looking forward to the walk home with Yamaguchi, he forced his feet into a steady pace. Just as he neared the tree where they met up for the walk home, he heard a shout from behind him.
“Tsukki!”
Kei halted in his tracks, turning to see Yamaguchi rushing towards him, struggling to keep his bag strap on his shoulder. He shoved down the quick cute his mind supplied and looked over his friend with thinly veiled concern.
“Calm down. Did something happen?”
“No. Well- yes,” Yamaguchi huffed, meeting his gaze and holding it. “Yachi told me everything.”
Oh no.
“What do you mean?” Kei prodded guardedly.
Yamaguchi’s face hardened, a fierce glint in his eyes. He stepped closer and Kei was vaguely aware of his breath catching in his throat.
“Don’t you think that I should get a say in whether you’re– what, worthy of being my boyfriend? You think you get to decide what I want?”
“Yama-”
“No,” the shorter boy snapped. “You think you’re the only one who’s fucking scared? That you get to just run away the second things get out of your comfort zone? That’s not fair, Kei. You have no idea how hurt I was that night, how hurt I’ve been since.”
Kei stood frozen in place, knowing he should apologize or try to explain. Instead, his mind was too caught up on Kei. He called me Kei.
Taking note that Kei wasn’t about to speak up, Yamaguchi continued. “I know expressing your feelings and letting people in is hard for you. It’s hard for everyone. But this is me. You know I’ll always have your back and I wouldn’t let anything hurt our friendship. You’re so important to me and if you don’t want this, then that’s fine. All you have to do is say so-”
“Kei-” he interrupted quietly, head still spinning. Were his fingers numb? He subtly dug dull nails against his palm and disregarded the chance of this being a dream.
Yamaguchi stared at him like he’d grown a second head, though the fire in his eyes wasn’t entirely quelled. “What?”
A small smile turned up the curve of Kei’s lips. “You called me Kei.”
This time it was Yamaguchi who stilled. He stammered out a quick apology, stumbling over himself nervously as he attempted to explain that it was an accident. Kei huffed a soft laugh, the noise snapping his best friend out of his babbling. Yamaguchi’s face fell, angry and hurt and defeated. He stepped backward, away.
Panicking, Kei reached for his wrist to stop him.
“Tadashi-”
Yamaguchi looked down at his wrist, clasped tightly in Kei’s slender fingers. Then, those brown eyes were on him. Whatever emotion resided there was enough to punch the breath from Kei’s lungs and wipe his brain clean like a factory reset button. Unsure of what to say, he allowed his feet to instinctively step forward and placed a shaky hand on Yamaguchi’s freckled cheek. It all seemed to be happening in slow motion. He could see every emotion flicker over Yamaguchi’s face. The anger vanished immediately, replaced by shock, then confusion, and then– hope?
Kei tilted his head down, nearly close enough to brush their noses together. He should stop this. They should talk. Yamaguchi deserved an explanation. Was this something they could really do? There’s no way he could give him everything he deserved.
Then again, could anyone give Yamaguchi everything he deserved?
Kei wanted this. He wanted Yamaguchi––wanted Tadashi .
“Tadashi…” he whispered with a soft fondness he didn’t think himself capable of expressing. He felt rather than heard the small exhale from the shorter boy. He brushed a thumb over his cheek, pulling Tadashi’s wrist to settle his hand over his chest. Could he feel his heart hammering? Would he understand what Kei was trying to convey to him without speaking it aloud?
Tadashi’s hand pressed more firmly against his chest, and for a moment Kei thought he was pushing him away. Then, his fingers crumpled into the fabric and pulled .
Kei followed.
This kiss was less hesitant than the one before. Both of their nerves were evident, but it felt certain. This was something they both wanted. And oh, did Kei want Tadashi. He wanted all of him. He wanted those impossibly gorgeous brown eyes, that strand of hair that refused to fall flat atop his head, the bravery he displayed though he insisted he was a coward. He wanted his kindness and that way he covered his hand self-consciously over his smile when he laughed. He wanted the drool stains on his pillows and the annoying way he always bragged about Kei, the pride he had for him.
He wanted to be his best friend, and he wanted to be more.
Their lips lingered against each other even after they ceased their clumsy movements, seemingly unable to back out of each others’ space.
“Please be my boyfriend,” Kei whispered breathily. “For real.”
Yamaguchi––no, Tadashi––laughed warmly as he gazed up at him.
“For real.”
Kei nodded, swallowing down his nerves. Tadashi’s grin only widened.
“I’d love that more than anything, Tsukki.”
It took only a few heartbeats before Kei pressed his lips to Tadashi’s once more, pulling him tight into his chest and smiling harder than he ever thought possible. A warmth filled his cheeks, his fingertips, everywhere glowing softly with that warmth. Even with the knowledge that things wouldn’t be perfect, he wanted to try. With Tadashi, Kei felt some of his pieces slowly falling into place.