Chapter Text
The crisp morning air at 6 AM seeped into her room through the open windows. The sting of an early start hung heavily over her. It never got easier to bear, especially after all that's happened; some mornings, the weight felt too much to shift.
But she knew she didn't have it in her to let it anchor her in place, to let the icicles take hold. Every morning, she somehow, inexplicably found the strength to swing her legs over the edge of her bed, time and time again, even when she didn't want to.
Y/N leaned on her elbows out of the windows of her quarters, drowsily rolling her first cigarette of the day between her cold fingers. She was nestled on the third floor of the Garrison headquarters, which overlooked the Karanes cityscape. She always appreciated that view before Reveille. Her eyes would be able to trace the many streets and alleys, the memories nagged at her. Karanes was where it had all started. The world's opened up. she thought, as she licked the paper. That sky feels so big now. it was like they're all being watched. Humani- No, Eldia's skies were filled with judgmental eyes from the rest of the world. That Hateful, cruel world.
She stepped over laundry, between liquor bottles, to reach the candle at the end of her desk. Armin and the others had always given her shit for being such a slob these last few years, but it was easier to maintain when you shared a room with other cadets. This was just sad. But with the Eldian people on the brink of collapse, and the news of Eren's controversial return on everyone's minds, a messy room seemed trivial.
That first drag. Oh, how it dulled the senses, quieted the mind. When she closed her eyes, for a brief span of heartbeats, she had no thoughts at all. Not about her family, not about Eren, or Armin, not the seemingly endless mountain of paperwork waiting for her in her office downstairs. Not even...
Not even him.
As Y/N made her way back to the window, traversing the mess once again, her skin argued with the breeze, threatening to bring goosebumps to its surface. She settled back on the windowsill, and finally exhaled. Making sure the smoke didn't blow back inside. The town hadn't come to life just yet; the sun had barely made its way over the wall.
Armin promised he'd return safely with the others, with Eren. As she took another drag, she wondered, had they seen him? Seen those lying hazel eyes for themselves? It's been four long years, the same amount of time it took her to get to know him. That exact amount of time has come and gone. He's probably forgotten all about you. I mean, for him to lie so easily and frequently, he probably didn't even notice that he'd crushed her. She hated the way he still took up space in her mind. She still thought about him every day. Bastard.
Today is the day I head back to Shiganshina.
Being a recognized veteran officer of the Garrison, Y/N had control of a few units of troops. She was young for her station, But had to step up into the role after all that happened. She and a few other middle-ranking officers would soon be leaving for Shiganshina to oversee the safe detainment of Eren. God, what a weird concept.
It was in the orders she'd received last night. She read them and reread them: Eren Yeager detained for unauthorized actions in Liberio. Make haste for Shiganshina district at first light with your unit. Written in Anka's hand, Signed on behalf of Dot Pixis. What the hell did that mean? I'll have to double-check the facts with the others when I get there. No way I can trust the tabloids when this breaks, not when they're like this. The rumor mill has made its way across the span of the walls in a matter of hours. The people were restless, more pro-Eldian rallies were sure to occur now, so more units had been called upon for crowd control. She hadn't quite made up her mind yet about these rallies. She wanted the best for Eldia, and Freedom of speech was needed now more than ever. It was good, right?
..Due to her good relationship with the Scouts over the years, Y/N had clearly been contacted directly by Pixis to assist in an operation of such a tense nature. When it came to Eren, trust is what they needed most, and Y/N is someone within the Garrison the Scouts could count on. She made sure of that.
She finished her cigarette and discarded it within the ashtray, which was littered with many of its fallen brothers and sisters. The ashtray in question balanced awkwardly on top of various half-finished novels she'd been reading in her downtime. But she didn't dare look at it all. Her mess. This heavy feeling on her chest made it too much to even start bothering with cleaning, to unpack it all, to wade through her confusion. The choices they had been left. Y/n grabbed for her toiletry bag, and headed for the showers.
The lukewarm shower started to bring her back to life as it washed over her—over her body, through her hair. Her hands ran over the various scars she had accumulated over the years, Her left arm had ached under the heat where it had previously been broken, though she was used to that sensation by now, that particular injury was years old. This brave new world was starting to feel smaller and smaller by the day, despite that large sky. with only a few options left on the table. Anyone with half a brain was thinking the same thing about Eren. Could he save them, make the choices they wouldnt dare to make? Who would be left to come home to after all the carnage is finished? One thing was for certain: no matter how much she washed or cleaned, she could still feel his hands all over her. If she had the chance, she would face him again.
Reiner.