Work Text:
End of the Reaper War, London, England, 2187
Kaidan struggles in an attempt to pull his arm free of Vega’s hold but the Lieutenant’s arm tightens and he guides them up the ramp a step, then another, then another.
Away. Away. You’re going the wrong way! No!
Kaidan throws out an arm after the Commander’s retreating form, seeking, searching for a way to keep him close, keep them together, but he can’t pull free of Vega and even his biotics sputter, barely wreathing his hand in one last, desperate attempt.
This can’t be the end… it can’t!
At the base of the Normandy, Shepard turns back, head lifting until their eyes meet. For just a moment, Kaidan loses himself in the cerulean depths he’s come to know and love so well, seeing the traits that inspired such faith in the people who’d followed Shepard this far. Strength. Determination. Absolute defiance.
Kaidan swallows tightly as recognition comes. You aren’t the Commander, not even Shepard, not in my heart. Not after all we’ve been through together. You are Caleb, a part of me, the piece that completes me. If I lose you again, I will never be the same…
Time stops for a heartbeat; a bubble – no sound, no movement, just them – until it pops and Shepard turns, darting off in the direction of the conduit while the Normandy lifts towards the sky.
Kaidan’s heart lurches sharply in his chest.
This can’t be the end!
Tears sting Kaidan’s eyes as the door closes, the view of the battleground cut off by shielding and cold metal.
“…know that I love you. Always.”
One of the other crew slides up beneath Kaidan’s other side and together, they and Vega guide Kaidan across the shuttle bay.
“Kaidan, is tú mo rogha…”
Kaidan’s breath stutters as they enter the lift, and ache filling his chest.
I love you too…
Stubbornness takes hold as the doors close and Kaidan lurches towards the sliver of an opening. Vega catches hold of him by his weapons harness. “C’mon, Major, we’ve got to get you to the Medbay.”
Eyes closing tight, Kaidan swears he hears the hiss of the seals as the shuttle bay door secures itself.
Shepard, I should be with you!
They reach the crew deck, stumbling out of the lift as the ship lurches roughly; Vega braces himself to keep both him and Kaidan from falling. They’re met by Dr. Chakwas and her medical team just outside of the Medbay and Vega hands Kaidan off to one of the medics. But before they can get into the Medbay itself, the ship lurches sharply again and everyone, from the doctor to Kaidan to the medics, lose their footing and unexpectedly roll sharply to port. Losing his balance again, the last thing Kaidan sees as he hits the floor and his eyes close, a scream of agony torn from his lips as his injured leg takes the brunt of the hit, is a pair of blue eyes watching over him…
~
The hardest part of returning to consciousness is how long it takes. How the muzzy headedness is prolonged over what in reality is probably only minutes but feels like hours. Add in trying to make sense of everything – the creak and groan of the Normandy’s hull, the clatter of something metallic hitting the floor as the ship lurches, the hiss of the Medbay door opening, lights far too bright while teasing a migraine just beneath the surface – and it’s a wonder he finds his way to the surface at all.
A muttered curse from across the room follows the scuff of stumbling feet. Kaidan blinks, wills himself to focus, and in the process fights an unexpected wave of raw panic as memories flood over him like the coming of high tide in Vancouver.
It fades just as quickly when a familiar face comes into view, her eyes narrow in concentration as she works. She hits a tender spot and Kaidan can’t hide a grimace or the pain-laced rasp that pushes past his lips. “Doc…?”
“Hush, Major.” She nods across the examination table and a second pair of hands moves in, then a third, to hold him steady while she works. Whatever she’s doing, he can’t see it because she’s put up a barrier to block his view of what she’s doing.
The ship shudders around them and his gaze lifts to the ceiling, his thoughts wandering at the same time. Will the Normandy hold together? Shepard said improvements were made to help survive the Collectors, but are those upgrades enough in a face-to-face fight against reapers?
Unbidden, memories of another Normandy, of that first battle against the collectors, return in a flood without permission. A soft whimper escapes before he can stop it, but Kaidan soon shoves them back into the shadows from whence they sprang. He cannot, he will not, retreat to the past. Not now. Not when the fate of the entire galaxy is at stake. Not when Shepard’s life is at stake.
A dull pressure thrums behind his right eye, a reminder that there are all kinds of pain. For the moment, his leg is numb – anesthetic, no doubt – but the concern on Shepard’s face at seeing Kaidan’s injuries on the ground returns. Fate won’t be so cruel to me a second time, will she? Take the one I love more than anything and the use of my leg?
Pushing up on his elbows, Kaidan mumbles, “Wh-what’s the damage?”
“You’ll live.” Chakwas’ voice is sharp, agitated, as she barks orders to the medics with absolute precision and backed by the sharpness of command that matched any admiral or general. A thin smile pulls at Kaidan’s lips. This is her battlefield and the medics her soldiers. Shifting, Kaidan relaxes as best he can and bides his time.
The Normandy lurches yet again, banking sharply to starboard this time. Kaidan can only imagine what Joker navigates them through in the chaos above Earth. Still, it’s a move that does nothing to improve his situation and as he rolls, sends pain lancing sharply up his leg. “Doctor –”
“Lie back, Major!”
He isn’t going to fight her, however much he might want to get back to where he’s needed or wanted, he’s done in this battle.
The whoosh of the door breaks the quiet and Vega ducks his head inside the room. “Hey, doc, we need an medevac team in the shuttle bay ASAP!” He’s gone, the door closing behind him, before Chakwas can reply. Two of the medics in the room – Santiago and Davis – exchange a quick look with her, grabbing med kits and running after the Lieutenant after the doctor nods.
It's another ten minutes before Chakwas sighs. Kaidan recognizes the sound; relief mixed with exhaustion. “Bellamy,” she calls over to the other two medics, “if you and Aguilera would, please, move the Major over there.” She points to the back of the room.
Bellamy steps over as Kaidan sits up, sliding under his shoulder to offer support. Cautiously, Kaidan lowers his foot to the floor. “How bad?” Though his leg is covered in bandages, he sees a line of stitches peeking out at the top. The numbness from before is fading, quickly replaced by pain.
“You will be fine, Major.” She offers him a tired smile as she pushes hair from her eyes. “I removed the shrapnel; sutures are in place. There is no serious damage.”
Aguilera moves in to his other side to offer support and between him and Bellamy, they start to the back of the room.
They are halfway there when the ping of the doctor’s omni-tool echoes through the room. Kaidan glances back over his shoulder at her, but her back is to him. Does he imagine her shoulders stiffening? A soft gasp slipping past her lips?
Aguilera and Bellamy ease him onto the medical bed as gently as possible, but the Normandy veers sharply and Kaidan’s shoulder lands hard into the wall even as the back of his head hits the surface. The dull ache behind his eye explodes into a pulsing throb and a groan of pain escapes before he can stop it.
Chakwas is at his side before the stars fade from his vision, pushing the two medics out of the way. “Are you all right, Major?”
Kaidan covers his right eye with his hand, pushing on pressure points, hoping it will help this time. Carefully and with her assistance, he slowly stretches out on the bed, eventually releasing a soft hiss as he finds stillness. “I’ll…be fine.” What else can he say? If he takes her at her word – and he has no reason not to – his injuries aren’t life threatening, so the only way he doesn’t get out of this alive is if the ship goes down. As for the migraine, well, they are a fact of life that never leaves. He’s stuck with that pain until he does die.
Chakwas doesn’t look convinced and she grasps his chin with one hand while checking his eyes. Kaidan winces and tries to pull free but by the time he gets his eyes closed, the light is off. “Bellamy, turn down the lights back here, please.” Turning her attention back to Kaidan, she lowers her voice. “It’s the best I can do for right now. If it worsens, I can –”
There is something in her voice – a hitch? A crack? – something that suggests her concern is torn between him and something else. Someone else, most likely. I’m not the only one who’s been hurt in battle. She’s going to have plenty of other patients soon enough.
Wrapping a hand around hers, Kaidan squeezes to get her attention. “Karin, I’ll be fine. Go. You have other patients to worry about.”
She focuses on him for a moment, not hiding herself from him. The intensity sends a ripple of unease flutters in his chest, but she says nothing and instead turns away, returning a moment later to hand Bellamy a pillow and a blanket. “See that he rests.”
She’s right; Kaidan knows it, despite his protests. With Bellamy’s assistance, Kaidan gets settled and closes his eyes while reaching for old meditation techniques learned at BAaT and hopes they will bring the growing ache in his head under control. The last thing he wants right now is to be knocked out completely.
He loses track of time until raised voices and the whoosh of the Medbay door pull him from concentration in a rush. Levering himself up on his right elbow, he finds a squad of soldiers entering the room with a stretcher between them. Carefully, they lift their burden onto the examination table. From this distance and thanks to the growing pounding in his head, he can’t get a clear view from this distance. Moments later, Chakwas, Bellamy, and Aguilera are busy at work.
All of the soldiers leave the Medbay but one, and it takes a long minute for Kaidan to recognize him. Breath catching sharply, he hisses, “Coats?”
Coats turns around, staring at him in shock and surprise as he eyes Kaidan from head to toe. “Alenko?”
“I’ll be fine,” Kaidan replies. “What’s going on?”
A clatter across the room catches their attention as Bellamy pulls out the portable privacy screens and sets them up around the examination table, cutting off their view entirely.
Kaidan’s hackles rise and the urgent need to see what is over there that he doesn’t quite understand takes over. With a grunt, his feet hit the floor. Coats, however, moves to stop him. “No, mate,” he insists, his voice far graver than Kaidan’s ever heard it before. “Trust me, you need to wait.”
The urgency kicks into overdrive. Coats’ pale face, the way he avoids looking at Kaidan, the tight press of his lips as if he’s struggling to keep silent – all of it hits Kaidan hard, and dread surrounds him in its wake. Forcing away a shudder, Kaidan pushes past him, muttering, “I’m a medic.”
Coats doesn’t stop him, but he stays close as they head towards the front of the room. Kaidan pauses to frown over his shoulder at him, but all he notices is the grim expression darkening the other man’s face.
Panic races through him, and Kaidan calls out, “Doc? Can I -?”
“Not now, Major!” the doctor barks, effectively ending the conversation.
The Normandy shudders violently beneath their feet; Coats grabs Kaidan before he falls, but Kaidan lands on his good knee in the process. Aguilera isn’t so lucky as he falls gracelessly on his ass, yelping in pain and the two plasma bags Chakwas asked for scattering across the floor.
The doctor curses a blue streak, as unexpected as it is vehement, and Kaidan understands if she is losing her cool, the situation is bad.
All the more reason for him to assist.
Pulling free of Coats, Kaidan limps over to the table while Aguilera collects the plasma and sets them within reach of the doctor. Kaidan moves around the privacy screen, his offer of assistance on the tip of his tongue…until his gaze settles on the patient.
It's all he can do to simply catch himself against the end of the table. Aguilera rushes over to offer support.
Chakwas glares daggers at him. “Major, get back to –”
Half in defiance of her command and half to clear the daze that has taken over, Kaidan shakes his head. Somehow, he digs deep and finds his resolve. “No.”
“Suit yourself,” she snaps, “but I need you focused if you insist on helping.”
Biting back a wince of pain as he moves opposite of Chakwas, Kaidan takes up his position.
Shepard lies on the table before him, bruised and battered. To call him a ‘bloody mess,’ is inadequate. His armor is all but destroyed, parts completely gone, others fused to his body. Burns, blisters, and blood cover him from head to toe. Out of the corner of his eye, Kaidan notices Coats has moved to stand beside Chakwas’ desk. He’s tall enough to see over the privacy screens.
You found him, didn’t you?
Returning his gaze to Shepard, Kaidan responds to the doctor’s orders while fighting back despair. He’s a trained medic, has seen some of the worst battlefield conditions that can be found, and yet Shepard looks…
Oh God, can anyone recover from wounds this bad?
A gasp, rough and harsh, fills the Medbay, Shepard’s chest stuttering as it rises slowly upward with a soft gurgling sound. Blue eyes, bright as ever but unfocused, open unexpectedly.
Hope drowns the despair with unexpected ferocity, and leaning over, Kaidan murmurs, “Shepard.”
Shepard blinks and another gurgling rasp fills the air. Carefully, gently, Kaidan slides his hand into Shepard’s, tightening around it in reassurance. Shepard blinks a third time, his head tilting slightly towards Kaidan as he tries to speak, but no words come forth.
Kaidan ignores everything and everyone around them. He wants to say something, needs to, but his head is empty. What can he say now, here in this moment, that will help…?
Shepard’s face contorts with pain and with his next ragged breath, his eyes close, the hand in Kaidan’s going limp.
“No!”
Chakwas shouts for Aguilera as they continue to work. Kaidan doesn’t see; his focus is locked onto Shepard and Shepard alone. Not again! I can’t…NOT AGAIN!
Kaidan leans in until his lips are next to Shepard’s ear, his grasp still secure around Shepard’s hand. Words that, just moments ago would not form, now trip and stumble over one another, panic shaping their release. NOT THIS TIME! NOT BEFORE YOU KNOW!
“Shepard, is tú mo rogha.”**
Shepard lies unnaturally still.
A sharp ache pierces Kaidan’s chest near his heart. Drawing in another deep breath, ignoring the way his voice cracks with desperation, he tries again.
“Shepard – Caleb - is tú mo rogha!”
The words were supposed to be a surprise; something for when the war was over. When time was a luxury again. When there was time to explain how he knew, how he’d always known the language of his mother’s heart, of Shepard’s heart. When Kaidan would have half a chance of pronouncing the words properly instead of them stumbling over his tongue in a desperate prayer for the man he loves more than life dying before his eyes. Words from Shepard’s past, from their shared past, an effort to connect them both to a future they’ve fought so hard to share.
Over and over, Kaidan repeats the words. Each time they pass his lips, they flow better, stronger.
Yet, Shepard remains still and unmoving.
“Is tú mo rogha!”
Tears flow freely down Kaidan’s cheeks, dripping from the end of his nose and his chin.
“Is tú mo rogha!”
His throat aches, not from repeating the words so many times, but from holding back the scream of denial that wants to break free.
“Is tú mo rogha!”
Over, and over, and over they pour out, until they are more senseless babble than the open, honest declaration they are meant to be.
Nothing around him matters. The doctor and Aguilera. The Normandy. Coats.
Kaidan continues, his voice falling into a dry rasp, a desperate plea. He doesn’t notice when Aguilera runs out of the Medbay with Coats hot on his heels. Nor does he feel Chakwas sliding safety harnesses around both him and Shepard before securing her own to the examination table. The ship lurches like a drunken elcor and Kaidan’s forehead bumps against Shepard’s, but Kaidan still does not stop whispering the words his heart has wanted to give this man for so long.
Shepard doesn’t react.
With one last hard lurch, the Normandy comes to a sliding stop, and then…silence. With one last breath, Kaidan whispers,
“Is tú mo rogha…”
Oppressive and unyielding, Kaidan stares at Shepard, unwilling to let go…
…until slightest twitch of the hand in his tightens and the left corner of Shepard’s lips curves upward the slightest bit and the bluest eyes Kaidan has ever seen open to mere slits…
“Kaidan…is…tú mo…rogha…”