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regulus thought often about his parent’s house.
it was always so cold and vast of color. the pure darkness that lived in the hallways was the most alluring, not because of the poorly lit candles that seemed to enhance the shadows, but for the deep feeling of doom you got when you were standing in the middle of it. the same impending feeling he got when he was under his parents enraged eyes, like you wouldn’t be able to escape if you tried, like this was the world and it was filled with desolation, and when he dared to stare into the abyss it seemed to want to swallow him back. maybe as some sort of revenge, for the family he was born into and what they made of the walls they were encased in. every corner you crawled into was filled with spiders and ghosts seemed to stall beneath the curtains in the attic. it looked like it just jumped out of a vampire horror film of the 90s, not much else could be said about the paintings decorating the obscure tapestry either, the bigger haunters of the house, those were the worst of all.
his first nightmare was about the one at the top of the grand staircase. he hid under his brother’s covers until the eyes of the man with the long face and his stupidly pretentious hat stopped being engraved under his eyelids.
however, their vacation house was different. left behind by his great uncle at the moment of his death, malnourished, at the top of the hill in a southern french village, filled with weed climbing in the outer walls.
the painting was almost scraped completely of the walls, the ceilings weren’t so high and the windows seemed to hug every wall, the old couches gave a feeling of nostalgia regulus didn’t know he had inside of him. it was nothing like his parents house, with couches that made your back ache uncomfortably and your neck strain, this one had an air that smelled like a promise of a home, it didn’t offer what it was, with a tiny back kitchen door and grand backyard filled of life, it offered what it could be, what one could make it be, it felt mundane and human, and regulus loved it. he loved to walk barefoot on the dusty floors and read the old books hidden in the old unused office, lay down on the grass and slowly peel an orange while looking at the sky, trying to discover new shapes of clouds, dreaming of the possibilities of being.
it had a small balcony on regulus’s room, with two little chairs and a pot with a dying plant on top of the coffee table that sat between them, like the green of nature never tired of dressing the house, maybe they were the real owners, the plants.
the perfect place for regulus to escape when he needed to fit himself in a big sweater to cry out his equally big feelings, or suppress them, depending on the day, and also for sirius to smoke weed downstairs in his boyfriend’s lap without his mom screaming in his ear about how he needed to put his life together and make something of his families legacy.
turns out your brother being disowned and you making excuses to visit him had its perks, regulus still had to go away for college anyways.
spending the summer in the house was a silent agreement the black brother’s had, they knew where to find each other every year, and every year they were there, no exceptions.
they didn’t talk much, like the part of the house atop of the stairs was another world entirely, the presence of the other was noise enough.
sirius mostly went upstairs to get clothes from his room and then get in the red car full of his friends that were screaming at him to hurry up and go to some young adult filled club to drink his troubles away and dance until the sun starts to rise. even the moon loses him sometimes.
regulus pretends not to hear him when he peers into his room at night, drunk and stumbling.
on the worst nights, he sits with him, right on the edge of the bed, just looking at his not so sleeping form. one day, regulus remembers this, sirius had a big fight with his boyfriend, he could hear him on the phone from upstairs, something about remus not being able to visit him like he promised because of work, even so, sirius was devastated, and after hearing him drink and cry on a call with god knows who until 4am in the morning, sirius worked his way up to his room. he stayed at the door for some time, 43 seconds exactly (not that regulus was counting anyways), he approached the bed, black boots making the floor creek with every step, he touched regulus’s hair, gently, smoothed it back, pressed a kiss to his forehead.
he breathed, like he wanted to breathe him in as well.
“i love you, brother, you’re the better part of me.”
sirius whispered, like it was a secret, and after that he left the room and regulus pretended like the tears that fought to fall from his face were mere illusions.
like he didn’t want to run and hug his brother and tell him he loved him as well, deeply, that he was sorry and he would always be, but the words seemed to have stuck in his throat besides his other unresolved honesties, they were not kids anymore and they were different now, just like the houses.
truth is, losing his brother’s trust was like losing a limb, all of them, but they were working on it, or so they said when their friends dared to question lightly.
it was a complicated fragile thing and regulus was still trying to grow around it, to see if he could solve it like a little code, or a really complicated english exercise, but just as he was a genius for academics, he was lost and sprawled over the unfinished pile of what were his emotional problems, it’s not like he didn’t see them, he looked at them right in the eye every night, but getting to comprehend them was like stretching your arm at the stars hoping to catch one, so close yet so far, like one thing in his brain never clicked right and deepened his frown. he tried, he really did, but sometimes he bled so much he got scared, drowning in his own blood made of his oozing sadness and feelings of unaccomplishment, and some mornings he couldn’t find it in himself to get out of bed, less try to see if sirius wanted to talk to him that day.
regulus insides were very complicated, if he could get a hand inside his guts and spread them across the table to examine one by one hoping to find out what was wrong with him he would, even if he took a thousand years exploring it, sometimes he felt they weren’t even there, like little ghosts dancing inside his belly, maybe he got that from his parent’s house too.
he was a strange being, a creature of nowhere lost on earth, he looked at everyone and wished to decipher them, even if he didn’t know that much about himself, most he found uninteresting, some he found just like him. he walked on earth with the structure his parents made for him, but he felt like a little push could falter it, because sometimes he was so hollow he got sick and threw up on his bathroom sink just to prove there was something inside of him, if he wasn’t really just made of expectations and condescending stares, if he was more than a planned out map of what he had to be, if he was alive to be something, to be anything, if it really mattered anyways, if he was more.
there was someone he believed in, that made him believe there was a world, that there were galaxies to explore and moons to jump on. but he ruined that too, he saw no point in it. he told god once on his knees when his parents took him to an old chapel to repent, to make them prove he “wasn’t to turn out like sirius”, he almost spat on their faces for that. but he told god, or the daunting statue of jesus at the top of the altar. “there is no point in you showing me all of this, all of what it is to have, if when i am to reach it, it suddenly fades away, like a haunting, like an spectrum, am i the haunting? am i the thing to be afraid of? am i the flawed one? if i can see things grow but at my feet they seem to choose to wither, is this really it?.”
he didn’t blame sirius for distancing himself from him, he wished their parents taught them to communicate better to know how to grow around this, he blamed himself, he was stupid for believing them, for putting them before his brother, for making them hate him.
“you were a kid, you didn’t know any better.” a voice inside him claims, but he extinguishes before it can speak again, nonsense, he has enough on his plate to make room for self victimization.
if he was a mess of big emotions his brother was a turmoil of them, he knew how to attract people to him, he was admirable, strong and capable in his ways, like the world fought to keep up with him.
unlike regulus, who found pretty things, lovely things, and held them so tight he destroyed them, he had claws he could not tear from his hands, so he learned to not hold anymore, some people weren’t meant to.
but with his brother came a boy, james potter was a boy, a lovely one, he was no exception to regulus’s mistakes.
a boy with sunsets pouring down his smile, a boy who lived between the rays of sunlight in the morning, whose smile could defeat the temper storms that lived inside regulus’s chest.
a boy who held the word between his hands and chose to smile at it, a boy of gold.
sometimes regulus couldn’t comprehend the fullness of his existing being, he walked with broad shoulders and tan skin that seemed to own the mysteries of the universe, like he knew how to solve them.
he wished he would have been wiser, he wished he could’ve held him a little longer, but he was not selfish, he was foolish, and he let him go because he couldn’t stand watching him decay next to him, to watch him be condemned by his side by others, for being with him, with the things he represented, with the things that were expected of him and he could not give in return, he could not. he could not steal gold’s child and hide him in the darkness with him, no matter how much he wanted to, james did not deserve that.
james was meant for life, he was life, when regulus watched him breathe, just be, he understood what purpose meant on a person, what things he was meant to. he knew life and love were real because when he looked at james he became so full of them, he would be always grateful for him, for teaching him that, making him know.
but because james was full of life, he could not be with regulus. it was like trying to encapsulate the sun into the surface of the moon, it would not fit, simply impossible. james wanted to grow with the tree of life, kids, a family, coming home to a warm meal with little children running around into songs of hope, of belonging and of a place to be, and regulus couldn’t give him that. not because he didn’t want it, but because he knew he came with dark hauntings at the back of his shoulders, he couldn’t deal with himself much less with the prospect of creating life in the pure way of what was raising children, creating a family, and he was so terribly sorry and so ashamed, but james never held him accountable for that.
“we will work it out reg, like we always do.” he once said as he was holding him against his chest. it was the middle of the night and the breeze was cold coming from the open window, but his breath was warm atop of his hair, regulus did hold himself accountable though. he was his judge and his executioner, he wanted this, he wanted everything, james made him feel like that, like he could have everything, but he was not of james’s world, and one day he would have to get down of his clouds and warm rays, not that night though, he thought as he suppressed a little smile against james’s chest. tonight they could have this, and he fell asleep, wishing of being someone else, of welcoming the sun into space, of making room, whole universes between the stars, just for the both of them.
he deserved more, he deserved a good lover, one that wasn’t falling off the seams, someone he could lean on to, make him proud, regulus was not, regulus was rotten work.
regulus was sleepless nights of doubt, regulus was leaving your house at 3am because he’s having a panic attack and he needs you to be there because he can’t breathe. regulus was crying eyes and shields that prevented you from seeing them, he was anger pressed into a bottle that couldn’t help but break, stubborn legs that couldn’t take him very far from his parents hands and the memory of them, printed on the back of his neck. he feared the intimacy he couldn’t give him, the things he knew about himself when he was with james, the crippling fear that james might give up on him because he was simply too much, or too little, so he gave up on the both of them first.
it was messy, it was the scratch on his back that never stopped itching no matter how much he dug.
james cried, he cried a lot that night, and every tear was like a dagger digging itself deeper into regulus’s stomach.
“we could have this.” james said, as he grabbed regulus’s hands tightly. “i know i’m not the best man, i am not this great thing you deserve, but i could be more, i could be anything for you, say the word, please reg, just please, let me-” his voice broke, and regulus had enough.
“james, it’s not- it’s not that, love.” he said, tearing his hands from james. he went to hold james’s face, caress it, to wipe his tears for him, but at the softening hoping look james’s eyes turned into he retracted them, the distraught look james gave quickly after that was worse, tearing all of regulus’s world. “this is not what you’re for, it’s not, james, you need better, you’ll find better, i am not the one for you, i am not made for this, maybe not for anything, and i am so sorry, you are amazing, you were amazing, the best, always, but i am not the one you should stay with it, you will see that, after this crush you have disappears, and thank me for that.”
james shook his head repeatedly, like he couldn’t even believe it was happening, regulus understood, everything was playing in his head like a movie, like his brain decided to dip because it was too much for it as well.
“that’s not true, that’s not true at all reg, you are the one, you are everything, you are it for me, i’ve never felt this for anyone and i just-“ he took a deep breath before continuing. “i just wish i could understand you, understand what you need so i can make it better, i will, believe in me, i love you, i love you more than i have ever loved anyone, more than i ever will, so please i am begging you, what is it that you need? i am here, if you want me to leave i will go, but i beg you, i am willing to go on my knees love, please, try to think about it, us, we could be better, i could be more, picture me, picture us, we could have it, just let me reg, let me prove it, let yourself, just this, just us, it’s all i need, all i ever will.”
he looked into regulus like he held the shine of the kind of beauties framed in museums, like the meaning of him could decipher everything that made him together. like a king ending a battle for a smile, like a dove to his wings, like a devoted man to a god, his god.
regulus felt like a traitor, like a betrayer of the skies, like the biggest asshole to ever step foot on earth. how could he ever be deserving of this? of james and his hands made of the graces of the world?
regulus didn’t want him, he didn’t want him to see what he would become, he tried for james, for what they could be. he pictured the house, his home, the warm pot in his hands, pot of possibilities, but that was a fantasy, he knew what woke him in the middle of the night, he wasn’t a man made of the star dust james was made of, holding himself at knife point trying to be better but failing every time was getting old, and james did not see that, but one day he might and that look in his eyes. that look of dissatisfaction, that he could not stand from james, never, disappointing him was his most unforgivable sin, and of them he had to many.
james saw in him the warm pot of possibilities because that is what he was made of, regulus saw the weeds that grew alongside his own legs, waiting to eat him alive, and how he was born from them, and they were going to eat james too. so “james, i need you to go, that is what i need.” he uttered, looking down, because it was much easier than having to stomach james’s face, he would’ve caved at the second he did.
he loathed the idea of making him watch how he fell apart because he could not hold himself together much longer, how he couldn’t put james through this, drag him to hell with him, but james was a saint and he wouldn’t understand that, not unless he was harsh.
james tried to start again. “baby just-”
“james, listen to me, i’m sorry, i really am, but this is not working for us, and i do not want to continue this with you, thank you, for letting me know the person i could be when i’m with you, this side of me that’s pretty, that loves, but i do not wish to explore it anymore, this is not who i am, simply as that, we could have it, i know, but i choose not to, i tried, i did, i’m just so so tired, and it’s nowhere near your fault, but you’re not making my decision any easier, this is destroying me as much as you, but it will be ten times worse if i let it grow any longer.”
gods didn’t intervene with the damnation of the despairing dead living on earth, why would they?
after a few seconds, he heard the broken sigh, james’s hands were shaking in the form of fists so tight it sure was hurting him, he wanted to reach and hold them inside himself, to warm them a little more, taste heaven for the last time, but he did not. he heard the footsteps and the creek of his bedroom door opening, james cleared his throat. “right, i’m sorry, it’s your decision reg, and i will respect that, just don’t ask me to understand it, because i know you, i know how you love, and it’s the most precious thing anyone could ever witness, and someone’s going to, someday, i was hoping it would be me, so don’t pretend to know what i want.” he sighed, clearly drained, exhausted, turned at the last second, softening his voice a little, sweet caring james, even at moments like this he cared to be polite. regulus was still looking at the ground, at his mismatched socks. “i’ll come again on sunday to give you back the books you left at my house, i guess this it then, i’ll see you around, reg.” he said as he closed the door, slowly, maybe for a sudden change on the planets that made regulus call to him, or an asteroid that wiped everything, who knows. his eyes were far away, like his body could not believe what was happening and his soul decided to flee.
watching him get in his car from the corner of his window was all regulus gave to himself before he broke down in a mess of snot and tears, this time he had no sweater to rot in with his sorrows, just his own flesh.
all of the water from the sea decided to pour down his eyes at that very moment. he broke like he hadn’t since he was a child clinging to his mother’s skirt, when she at least cared to see his troubles.
he was at the end of the world and he was alone, like he was meant to be, like it was wrote in the books, but oh how perishing it was, like at the moment he was born he just started to die slowly, and this was the moment his own heart got sick of him and left too. heaven and all the singing angels turned his back on him that day and sneered.
it was close to midnight when his brother came back. he could hear him running up the stairs, he probably already knew what happened, he was james’s very best friend after all, stuck at the hip the two of them were, preoccupied and with hurried steps. he got down on his knees and hugged him, regulus flinched, he was not used to his brother being affectional with him, they were not very expressive since they were children, his brother didn’t falter either way, he was there for him, and regulus caved. he shushed him and rocked him like he did when he had nightmares and he came running to him because it was his older brother, his knight in shining armor that could defeat any monster that dared disturb regulus in his sleep.
“oh reg, i’m so sorry, here, i am here, it’s okay, it’ll be okay darling.”
if regulus could have formed words outside of his wailing mouth he would’ve called him a liar, but he had hurt enough people today.
he was holding him like with his tattooed arms and pretty silver rings (thank you remus) he could put the disaster of miserable things that was his brother together.
at least they could pretend until regulus calmed down for a bit.
he didn’t know how many hours he stayed there, in his brother’s arms. mourning for the loss of the beauties of the world, of the flourishing spring beneath his fingers every time he touched james, of the universes they could create between a kiss, of the divine, of the holy.
that’s why, when some greater force decided to stand an olive branch and make james potter stand in front of him again, regulus had no idea what to say, like at all.
his brother’s friends had been playing in the backyard all day, swimming in the lake beside the house, throwing a volley ball at each other, remus and the girls were eating fresh strawberries they got from the market, the sun was setting and they looked happy, smiling and teasing. regulus often wondered what it was like, to have that, he was happy for his brother, for finding the family he never had growing up, he wondered as well what it would be like outside of his little window too.
he would never dare though.
they knew he was there, sirius’s weird little brother that they often caught a few glances of, always luring behind the corners of the house, but too shy to join them, or just plainly rude. sirius always said not to bother him anyways.
that day he went down though, he didn’t know if the water dripping down jame’s hair was a boost, it probably was. he only meant to grab an orange from the kitchen and go up to finish his book, he had heard the rumors, mostly gossip he heard from sirius talking to remus on the phone, giggling about james falling on his ass in front of the pretty redhead he was trying to impress. regulus thought she was pretty, painfully so, and after having a little breakdown in the middle of his bathroom he decided it was okay, it was how it was meant to be, he and james were instances, casualties, but fate stepped in the way one more time and decided to make him a little more miserable.
james came in, strutting and shaking his hair like a wet dog, he looked beautiful, regulus thought, with his eyes glistening with laughter.
“shut up sirius, i’ll get u back for that!” he exclaimed looking back at his older brother who was mocking him from the other side of the pool. they seemed to had been in a sparring fight of some sort, sirius was sticking his tongue out to him childishly, dorcas, who was sitting at the edge of the pool next to sirius, grabbed his head and tried to pull him underwater, regulus snickered at that.
“i just need my glasses, i think i left them here somewhere…”
he muttered, squinting his eyes in a funny way looking around the room.
regulus, who didn’t know why he was still standing there, saw them first, and like muscle memory, the words ran out of his mouth before he could process them.
“they’re on the counter.” said regulus, casting his eyes down.
james looked at him surprisingly, like he didn’t realize he was there, he probably didn’t, regulus liked to do that, lurk like a ghost in the corners, guess he got that from the paintings.
he composed himself quickly.
“hey reg, sorry, i didn’t see you there.” he said as he approached the counter and grabbed them, putting them on.
“wow, that’s so much better.” he said, laughing awkwardly “thank you reggie, you’ve saved me, sirius made me put them here because they keep falling in the water, guess that put me at disadvantage.” he greened slightly at his own joke.
“you seemed to be winning anyways.” regulus said before he could stop with him, what was it with james and taking his self restriction away?.
“oh so you were watching, then?” james said, circling the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle from the shelve.
“not like i couldn’t even if i wanted to, with you howling like an animal about you winning and throwing sirius and peter around like a ragdolls with your big gorilla arms.” he uttered with a little uncontrollable smirk forming on his voice, eyebrows raised.
“you seem to be really focused on my arms, huh? i remember a lot of you taking particular interest on them as well, specially when-“
“james!” regulus screamed, red faced, as he threw a pillow from the couch at the head of a laughing james.
“sorry sorry, couldn’t help teasing you, comes naturally.” he said, still laughing like throwing a dumb sex joke at your ex was the funniest thing ever.
they stood like that together, laughing, cheeks tainted, looking at each other like they were strangers in the middle of the moon; recognizing.
regulus pretended the heat on his cheeks was not there, james potter was like that, cheeky and teasing, a ball of light and energy, the total opposite of what regulus represented, and at the same time the representation of all he wanted, of all he couldn’t have, not anymore.
james potter was not his.
he never was, he belonged to the divinities that made galaxies, he wasn’t made for the creatures of the down below, with people like regulus.
lily knew that too.
but just like james, she was amazement, she was strong, she was green eyes full of conviction and a smile wars would be fought over, the freckles on her face were like watching the stars reflect on skin, a perfect canvas for the beauty that she was.
they deserved each other, like it was written on the soil of the earth, something about watching their hands fit together felt like treasure.
no matter how it made regulus want to put his hand through his ribcage and tear his heart out, just to spit on it.
the sound of the sliding door being opened interrupted the silence between the both of them, regulus didn’t even know where it came from, he was busy admiring the feeling of james just existing, near from him.
marlene’s head peeked in.
“james! get your ass here, we’re going for another round of volley, also lily and sirius have just started a contest of who can shotgun the fastest, someone needs to stop them, also we’re out of alcohol because of that and you’re the only one with a car to go buy more because dumb remus has his in reparation.”
james laughed, he did that a lot more lately, he screamed back “i’ll be there in a sec!” when james turned to him again his smile dimmed.
“it is good to see you reg, really, you don’t come out much this days, we have missed you.” he took a deep breath, scratching the back of his neck “you know you can always join us.”
i do, regulus wanted to say, i do know, but i can not be with myself enough to be with you guys, i want to, but i do not belong, i wish i knew if all of this that is in me has a place to be.
he wants to say, sirius would be uncomfortable, you too, the air would freeze and the sky might fall upon us, yeah that would happen too.
instead he says “i’ll think about it.” short and direct.
he keeps looking down.
“i’ll be off then.” another sigh “bye reg.”
“goodbye, james.”
a pause at the door.
“hey reggie…” a hesitation “you know you can always text, right? i’m still here reg, i’m still james, you can always talk to me, we can talk, about anything, just me james, and you, not what we did, what we were, just us.” he looked a little embarrassed at the last part, his smile turned a little crooked. “well, if you need me, of course, i am always here anyway”
yeah that’s why i can’t, regulus almost says, he fights the tears that come, the way his eyes glass over, also like a muscle memory. “of course jamie, i will.” he says as he laughs a little to dry them away, so awkward, he wants to die.
with that, james leaves, and regulus is content with watching his back retreat, as he was meant to.
he doesn’t text or call. he never planned to anyway.
he wished he would’ve, he wishes he would’ve changed a lot of things, but the earth still spins, and things change a lot, sadly, for better or worse.
regulus’s life is never too monotonous no, it takes to turns, for the worst mostly, every time.
the day sirius black dies is the day the world stops spinning.
he doesn’t remember exactly what the autopsy report said, car accident, broken neck, died instantly on the impact, turns out the reparations made in his boyfriends car weren’t much of a reparation at all.
but sirius, always strong, always resilient, his soul couldn’t help but float away like a dandelion, made escape after some drunken asshole t-struck into him and his unsuspecting driving boyfriend. remus survived, at least his body came back, his soul regulus didn’t think it did. his eyes were hollow and scarred, like he accidentally returned from the underworld to continue among the living, no matter how much he didn’t want to.
he doesn’t remember blacking out on his despair, in his unleashing. he couldn’t hear above his own screams, his nails tearing across his own face, wishing to wake him up from the nightmare the world had seemed to turn into, he remembers waking up on a hospital bed, his parents outside of the room. he remembers the scratches on his neck left by his own nails, on his arms, and so much blood, he remembers the feeling of drowning alive, in his despair, in the fact that he was breathing, that he was here, and his brother, the one that shined, that danced and kissed and laughed with so much force it could tear the ground in two, that he wasn’t there. he rememberers some of the screaming, calling out for his brother, he was scared, how dare he leave him alone in a world that he despised, that despised him back.
he doesn’t remember how they sedated him. how he refused to talk for 8 days after the incident. how he couldn’t eat, how he could not simply be, because why was he made to be, to live and walk when he so loathed to, and his big brother, that fought for his right to do so freely, since he was a kid, could not, how it was taken from him because some greater force decided he was just not to, and he would not be without his brother.
his brother was his other side of the night, his warm hand smoothing his hair back under a blanket, the sweeping of his tears after a scrapped knee, his brother was his, and if losing his trust was like losing a limb. losing him was like losing himself altogether and all of what had ever made him.
the other time he sees james is at the funeral. he’s dressed in a black suit and he looks no much better than himself, his eyes are red and puffy and his knuckles look red, the bags under his eyes are unbearable, and regulus turns away in his corner. he didn’t want to come here, his parents were here. sirius would’ve made a comment remarking on how half of the people here didn’t even know them, they were here to show respect to his parents, not to sirius. regulus felt sick every breathing second.
remus was looking at the distance, he stared, he looked thinner, longer, like he was stretched by the horrors of the world and he just let them, how someone could look so devastated and still stand was a wonder to regulus. he thought he had felt despair but if felt like nothing compared to the pain reflected on remus eyes, simply scorching. he was sitting down on the farthest corner of the reception, hollowed away, regulus couldn’t stand that as well, so as lily went to a death living remus, regulus stormed out, and james who was looking from a corner at the reception, followed.
it was a foggy morning, the garden outside the fancy hotel the reception was set in was dauntingly beautiful, a maze of red roses that seemed to do with the red on regulus’s nose because of the cold, and the dark in james’s eyes looked like voids between the stars, forever lost.
they didn’t say anything, didn’t need to, one step in regulus direction had him barreling into james’s arms, with the loss of his brother came the loss of himself and his self restriction after all.
james held him, like he was worth caring over, like he always did, protector of the devils that dressed regulus’s eyes, dreadfully, regulus thought about how his brother now probably passed on that title to james. he was probably the only living person left that cared about regulus on a similar level, with one hand around his waist and the other cradling his head, encasing him in all of his fullness, like a promise of everything, regulus felt secure, james always had that power.
he let regulus dip his nose in the crook of his neck and cry until the day left away, cry for the loss of his very being, of the things he wanted and he would not have, of the things he could’ve been, of the things he should’ve known, prevented. his brother, his dear brother, his braving brother, a raging soul, his protector, his star most beloved, lost forever to the sky, banned from the surface, banned from him.
he didn’t know how long he stayed there, safe beneath his lovers (not lover, but he loved him still so james was his love) arms, beneath his hold, his grace. he looked up, memorized the crevice of his nose, the rose on his lips, he bathed onto his form one last time, like bathing in gold, and in front of god regulus made a decision.
james did not brake his hold on regulus until regulus decided to step away from him “his savior” james once called him, if only he knew how stories would be written about him by the greeks, of his heroism.
“hello, james.” he said in a little exhausted whisper, extending a hand to his face, gracing it with the tip of his fingers, burning himself.
“hello, reg.” his voice was groggy and raspy, like he had been the one breaking instead of regulus.
regulus took his knuckles in one hand, bloody and red, brought them to his face and pressed his mouth against it, flames took over his body and disintegrated him into nothing but the feelings he always had kept inside.
“i am sorry jamie, i really am.” tears immediately flooding his eyes once again.
james looked fondly at him. “it should be me saying those words to you.” his eyes glistened with tears, regulus wished to ban james’s tears from the world like the gods had vanished sirius, if he could make a request it would be that.
a cold breeze broke into regulus’s face, and like a spell had broken, regulus came into himself and remembered his banishment.
he looked at james’s hand, james, he caressed it for a bit more before letting it go, he was getting ahead of himself, james had a girlfriend, his brother was dead, things had changed. it felt like his time with james was from another world altogether, he was at the end of the world again, utterly alone, and surprisingly (or not) all he cared about was this, was james, not that he had anything left to care about for. dear, impossible james said “come with us” he put his forehead against regulus, not letting him go, he breathed. “on christmas, there’s space on the table, please regulus, it will not be long, i’ll make your favorite, we won’t keep you if you do not want to, but at least think about it, for the old times.”
but oh if james could keep him forever how he would weep, he let go of james’s hand.
“yes james, of course, i will.” regulus said looking into his eyes.
james looked relieved, he took in his arms one more time, kissed him on top of his hair. “i love you, reg.” but james didn’t whisper, he said, because it was true, because it was a statement, regulus buried his head in james coat a little more.
when christmas came, regulus was not at james front door, lily put a hand on his back, lovely strong lily, and guided him inside.
“it’s okay james” she said as she kissed him on the cheek “you could not force him, he’ll be alright, you did what you could to help him.”
“he didn’t answer any of my texts or calls, lils, not even letters” lily looked sadly at him as she stroked his cheek. “you gave him a choice, love, this is him, he will not come, that’s fine, it’s not your fault, and you have no right to demand nor to pry, he already went through a lot, and so did you.”
james went silent for a second. “i just wish he let me knew him, gave me the opportunity, you know?” he shook his head as he held her for a moment, they often had talks like this, james always had a soft spot for regulus, even if he didn’t love him romantically anymore, a part of him would always ache for the love they used to have, for the love he has still for him, not as a lover, but enough to care. he didn’t know much about his affections for him right now, he didn’t dare to pry, awaken again that ever growing dragon that flamed inside of him every time he looked at regulus, waiting to eat him alive. he knew just one thing, he would always love regulus, he was made to, a law of the universe.
“if you need to talk about it with me later we will, but in the meantime, would you help me with the oven?, the cookies are getting burnt as we talk.” she added cheekily, pushing him with her hip as she tried to cheer him up.
he smiled and kissed her, he was distraught that regulus had chose not to accompany them, he made him a sit specially beside pandora on the table, god knows how much she had missed him, but it was okay, regulus would always come home sometime, sirius always used to say that.
regulus never came back.
not to apologize, not to say hi, he never showed up, and james waited for him, he waited in front of his old house, stayed a little in his own house a few days more just to make sure regulus didn’t get confused if he did come back and didn’t find james there (he left a letter at mailbox explaining where he had moved in case of anything) visited his parents house, having been encountered with judging stares and words of not having heard about him either, not that he cares. until 3 years after regulus disappearance, 3 years of looking for him, of traveling across the country, of visiting his brother’s grave, of crying with the prospect of his death, of losing the two brothers, of searching endlessly with remus, of having sleepless nights filled with nightmares, filled with the need of finding him, of having countless fights with lily over the topic. it was finally, on the day of his birthday, just one week before his wedding, a letter came.
no address, no signature, just the letters “r.a.b” as he liked to sign all of his journals. as he wrote on james palm when he was bored on a rainy day, what he wrote on his arm case when james fell off his skate and broke it, with little stars around it.
“in a little italian village, i dream of you, in the backyard
i am laying down on the grass, looking up at the stars, and suddenly the world is sideways and you’re there, next to me, you’re reciting a poem, and your hand inches slowly towards mine, as we touch, stars start falling out of the sky into my lap, and i look at your eyes as the world is ending, you are beautiful, i say, you are my beginning and my end, you are gods handprints on my back.
you’re the soil beneath me, you’re the tears in my pillow and the sunshine that reaches through my window to dry it, you’re the wind that ruffles my hair, you’re the moles on my face, you’re the beating of my heart, the blood running through it, i love you.
i love you deeply, i love you like looking at the sea for the first time, like dipping your hands in gold, like holding you is to hold the everlasting, to hold love, to hold the universe, to steal the ruby of a gods hand.
and i am sorry, i am sorry i am not brave, i am sorry i did not reach, i am sorry i do not hold, i am sorry because i am ruin, but oh looking at you makes defeating heavens wrath so worth it.
tracing the tip of your nose with my hand feels like going through a lifetime and recalling the first time you felt the sun, like the death of a star, but the birth of something new.
i do not deserve you and i never did, because i know how to sit with my knees closed but i do not know how to stop my arms from wanting and desiring and craving and they’re weak, and i can not hold your smile together, much less galaxies
you encase me, because this is a dream, you grow trees between your hands and plant roots into me, and we lay there forever because i am filth and if i am there with you then i may have been forgiven forever, and because this is a dream you smile, and kingdoms fall and come together and we lay there til the sun decides to fall upon earth as revenge for the taking of his most precious son, but the moon is my friend and she decides to hold him a little longer.
so you have stars in your hair tangled with new opportunities, and because this is a dream i take them.
i kiss you and we love together and we become one, two halves of an eclipse, the whole sky having a reunion that last millions of years, gifting us a sunset.
the one where the sun gets red and your face soaks in the beauty of a thousand soldiers coming home, and you kiss back, and you love, and you look, and you soften, and you embrace, because this is a dream.
i am sorry james, i love you james, i am sorry for the words i did not say but i couldn’t leave you for granted, i could not leave you thinking that i hated you, i couldn’t leave without letting you know that this was love, thank you for showing me what the universe has and owns, and the most beautiful of it, in a person. i am fine, i decided to leave everything, explore the world, leave a few years my studies until my parents money runs out. i am willing to know myself and the world because of you, because of the prospect of opportunities you showed me i could have, and because i think this is what sirius would’ve wanted for me, for me to live, and if he can’t then i’ll do it for him, he deserves that, someone to carry out his memory and spread them across the galaxy, i will visit, i hope to one day. when i can get to myself enough to open the door to my past life, to you, and everything that you made me know that holds me together today, you are the meaning of me, thank you james, for everything, be happy james, grow with your kids and your beautiful wife, make of your life what you always wanted, you deserve it, to leave of the mess the black left for you behind, let yourself free of our hauntings, you were happiness, i know it exists now, thanks to you. always yours and thinking of you, regulus. psdt: congratulations on the wedding, look for the little gift i sent, just a souvenir from my travels, and a direction, so you can reach me if you ever need to, not that i would encourage you to do so, you should forget about me and burn this letter, but i know you will not, so i’ll leave you that.”
regulus black dies in the balcony of his apartment at a little forgotten village, with his cat on the other couch and his book with letters never read, tellings of his heart. he once thought to publish it but found it too complicated to bother, one night his body couldn’t take it anymore and what got left of his spirit was stolen as well by the gods and banned forever, so he stayed there, his head wresting on his collarbones like he was sleeping, and the stars shined a little brighter for him.
for the death of the little lost boy with mismatched socks and tales behind his ears, and for the birth of one shiny speck of light besides another, dust in the sky returning to their rightful place.
james potter died with the letter caught in his fist, he never stopped searching. he saw regulus again, a year after the letter, watering the plant on his balcony. he was there, like he promised on the letter, but then he saw the cat, and the little smile, and what seemed to be the form of a tall tattooed body moving around in the kitchen, he felt like an intruder, daring to open the door regulus closed years ago. he only meant to visit, maybe just say hello, get him a coffee, see if he was okay, if the face engraved in his heart was safe, but looking at him from below gave him all he needed to know, regulus had found his peace, his own form of happiness, and that for james was a gift enough to battle the whole moving earth. so he left, he lived his life, aligned with regulus but never quite meeting it, and in the sky, finally shining, both hands reached and there, he finally found his lost star made boy.
not together on earth, but engraved above for eternity.