Chapter Text
Min Yoongi hasn't showered in three days. Nothing could coax him from his bed for long periods of time, not even the promise of hot water and clean skin. He lay awake most of the time, curled up in his amazingly soft blankets and plush pillows. Early in the mornings he slept before, reluctantly, waking up to stare at the walls for a few hours before letting exhaustion pull him under once again.
The only thing he has eaten for the past few days has been the leftover chips that he keeps stashed under his bed for emergencies but even the handful he managed to push between his lips had turned to ash under his tongue. Yoongi’s appetite was non existent at this point.
Yoongi hasn't spoken to another human being for those three blissful days. His phone dings and he doesn't want to look but curiosity gets the best of him. He scrolls past unread messages from his mother; he just doesn't have the energy to explain why he hasn't spoken to her in weeks.
[2:05] Yoongi
[2:05] i know you read that
Leave it to Jin to shatter his peace and quiet. He shouldn't have checked his phone, dammit. Now Seokjin is going to barge into his apartment make him do something.
[2:06] what do you want
His hands shake as he types, the lack of sustenance finally catching up to him.
[2:06] unlock your door
[2:06] no
Good thing he changed his door code. Lesson learned; Jin was suspiciously good at picking out number for the password, so this time he changed it to something the man would never know. Yoongi’s mother's birthday.
[2:08] nevermind i'm coming in
Fuck. How did he guess it? Why does he know his mom's birthday?
Yoongi groans long and loud before rolling himself up into a burrito with the blankets. He listens for sounds of Jin’s barely-there footsteps. Only this time he hears someone obnoxiously boisterous enter his apartment.
The bastard brought someone for back up. Shit.
His money is on either Taehyung and Hoseok. Both of them can be quite worth shit. Taehyung doesn't understand the concept of stealth (Or rather he tries but gets sidetracked to often.) and Hoseok is literally a ray of sunshine that exudes light and positive energy making it hard for either to be discreet.
There's a lot of banging of cabinets coming from his kitchen down the hall. Jin must have decided the best way to get Yoongi up was through his stomach and put the other to work looking for ingredients. Yoongi knows he won't find anything. Yoongi can't recall the last time he went grocery shopping. He probably has some ramen in there somewhere.
“Min Yoongi! Why is your kitchen empty?” Jin calls.
Yoongi doesn't answer.
Jin speaks to whoever he brought. Yoongi catches a few food items being listed off. A few minutes later the front door opens and closes, the automated voice announcing their exit.
Jin knock on his bedroom door softly before popping his head in.
“Jesus,” He says. Jin comes over and perches on the edge of the bed.
The sudden weight distribution causes Yoongi to tumble towards him. Yoongi clutches at his comforter, desperately trying to hid the mess he has become.
“Yoongi, you have to get up and eat something.”
“Not hungry.” Yoongi croaks. His voice sounds pathetic to his own ears.
“I know that's not true.” Jin kicks at the discarded potato chip bag. “I bet you're dying for a home cooked meal after living off crumbs.”
Yoongi keeps his mouth shut. He supposes a fresh food doesn't sound too bad but Jin doesn't need to know that.
“Come on. Let get you cleaned up while we wait for Hobi to get back from the store.” Jin slips his arms under Yoongi’s blanket bound body hauling him across the room and into the attached bathroom. He places Yoongi down on the closed toilet seat while he get the shower set up. “You can get by yourself or I can help you.”
“Get out.”
“I thought so.” Jin smirks as he shuts the door behind him.
Yoongi stews in his blanket burrito for another minute or two. Then he sheds the comforter and peels the grimy clothes from his body and settles slowly under the spray of warm water. He lets the water cascade down his back in a steady stream.
He must have zoned out for longer than planned because Jin knocks on the door.
“If you're not out in five minutes i'm coming in to drag you out. Don't think I won’t, Min Yoongi.”
He scrambles up and rushes to wash everything before Jin decides against upholding his five minute rule.
Freshly scrubbed of all dirt and caked on perspiration, Yoongi wobbles to his newly stripped bed and sits on the edge of the bare mattress. Jin had placed a clean pair for clothes (Judging from the size, Jin had brought a pair of his own clothes for Yoongi to wear.). He even left socks for him. Guilt seeps into his bones as he pull the outfit on. Jin has done this too many times to count. So often that he has a set routine that he follows.
Yoongi is grateful, no doubt, but he feels burdened too. Jin shouldn't have to take care of him like he would a toddler. Yoongi is a grown man for god's sake. Regardless of his feelings, Yoongi can't seem to find the energy to actually help himself, however. He has lost the will to live long ago.
He had believed that once he was away from his parents watchful eyes that he would be able to overcome his depression. That once he was actively working to achieve his dream he would be able to keep himself afloat. Life proved harder than he thought. After three years of working tirelessly as a full time college student, a barista at the restaurant where he met Jin, and as an underground rapper, he is burnt out.
Yoongi was a well respected MC at most clubs, but it wasn't enough to pay the bills. Working as barista was definitely not Yoongi’s forte. He loathed having to work directly with customers -and their attitude- all day.
What’s the point anymore?
Jin’s back “Are you dressed? Hobi is back and i'm almost done cooking.”
Wordlessly Yoongi drags himself to the dining room, following his nose. Whatever Jin made it smells delicious.
Hoseok is setting the small table when he walks in. He looks up and beams when he sees Yoongi, who squints at the brightness.
“Yoongi!” Hoseok drops the plates and attaches himself to Yoongi’s still form. “It’s been too long! Everyone is asking when you’ll perform again.”
Yoongi awkwardly pats his friends back. “I don't know. I haven’t got any new material.”
It’s true, he hadn't produced any new songs at all. All his motivation had been halted along with his ability to write lyrics and create beats. It was strange, not being immersed in music. It used to be that Yoongi was constantly producing. He would carry a notebook filled to the brim; he never was seen without it. Now that notebook lay neglected under his bed.
“I’ll keep putting them off for you then.” Releasing Yoongi, Hoseok continues placing the dishes and chatters on about everything he’s missed in the weeks he has been absent from their regular club. Something about a newcomer who is getting lot of attention.
Yoongi lets it all go in one ear and right out the other and collapses into a chair. His muscles are already starting to ache. He longs for his bed. He settles for laying his head on the table.
Jin comes in baring food. It’s smells heavenly; Yoongi’s stomach finally roars to life after days being dormant. He places a bowl of porridge and various side dishes in front of Yoongi first before serving himself and Hoseok. Despite his sudden appetite, Yoongi waits until Jin encourages him to eat before digging in.
As they eat Jin bring up work and how they miss Yoongi’s dry humour.
“You know, if you come back soon I would be so happy.” Jin says carefully.
“I’ll think about it.” Yoongi doesn't want to outright say no but he knows he won't be going back to work.
“I’ll make sure to help you ease back into things when you do, okay?” The hopeful expression on Jin’s face kills Yoongi a little.
After a few bites, Yoongi’s stomach feels fit to burst, having gone so long on an empty stomach, so he pushes away the still half full bowl away from himself. He ignores the worried look that get passed between Jin and Hoseok.
“Thanks.” Yoongi’s eyes flit from one boy to the other.
“Awh, did you hear that Jin?” Hoseok leans over, obnoxiously invading his personal space. “Yoongi says he loves us a lot and missed us so,” He drags out the ‘so’ for way too long in Yoongi’s opinion. “much.”
“I did not.” Yoongi pushes the younger away, but a small smile tugs at his lips. He does love them; he just get embarrassed easily.
“Be careful.” Jin watches them shove each other with a fond look in his eyes.
They clean up after that, and Yoongi manages to help bring dishes for Jin to wash. It doesn't take long; Jin is an efficient man and Hoseok helping to dry the plate one speeds up the process.
Jin finishes making up his bed with fresh sheets Yoongi is positive is Jin’s extra pair from his hallway closet as Hoseok prattles on about the new dancer in his class. Something about the boy being able to go from adorable to sex god in 00.1 seconds. Yoongi vaguely listens, laughing at all the appropriate times.
Once Jin is done, Yoongi bids them both farewell at the door. While waiting for Hoseok to slip on his shoes, Jin hugs Yoongi close and whispers “I’m always here for you. Hoseok too. Call me next time, okay? We love you.”
It brings tears to his eyes, but he manages to wipe them away before Hoseok joins them. It’s been awhile since he's heard words of affection or validation.
He promises to call Jin next time he can't make it out of bed for more than a day and sends the his two guests on their way. Exhausted, he collapses back into bed.
It’s an impulsive decision and he knows it.
At 2 am no one should make any sort of decisions. However, Min Yoongi isn't in the right frame of mind to realize this fact as he swallows more than a few handfuls of mixed pills. He stands in the bathroom, still dressed in the shirt and shorts Jin brought him, studying his reflection. Yoongi hates it. His eyes swollen a little and have purple crescents underneath from exhaustion. Body shaking, he stumbles back into his room. Yoongi’s legs give out halfway to his mattress and he collapses in the middle of his floor.
Everything had finally gotten to him; he was sick of living the way he was- unmotivated and alone- without any hope or goal for the future.
He hadn't talked to his family in a little over nine months and it was eating him alive. Yoongi knows he wouldn't be able to talk to his mom- or anyone in his small family- without having the talk and he just is not ready for that conversation. How does one fool their mother into think everything's going okay- that he didn't want to jump off a bridge every time he left his apartment, that he is carrying on when swamped with such horrible, plaguing thoughts swirling round and round his head?
He lacks energy to speak to his friends as wonderful as they were sometimes. Its gotten to the point where they aren't surprised when he cuts them off. The worried phone calls to check on him have become far and few between - aside from Jin, who tries to get a hold of him whenever possible.
Yoongi should feel relieved, (that's what he wanted, right?) but for some reason it only deepens the loneliness.
Shadows slither around him, whirl above him violently, causing him to become nauseous. He turns his head just in time to disgorge everything he managed to force down earlier. His lungs refuse to work; he can't take a full breath no matter how hard he tries.
Eventually the shadows descend on him. He doesn't struggle against them. He had been treading the water for so long. It felt disgustingly relieving to alleviate the burden weighing him down like an anchor - to let himself drown.
Someone is kicking him. Yoongi is trying to die in a peaceful manner and some prick thinks its funny to assault him. Yoongi swears that he’ll kill whoever is dumb enough to rouse him from slumber. Right after he finishes his nap, that is. He’ll haunt their ass.
Another blow lands dangerously high on his thigh. He scoots his whole body over a few inches and pointedly does not acknowledge his assailant, letting sleep beckon him further.
“Jesus. I know you're dead, but this is really not the time to be catching up on your beauty sleep however much you obviously need it.” a deep voice (maybe deeper than Taehyungs) grumbles.
Yoongi cracks one eye open long enough to reply, “Hey, asshole. Get lost.” Before he promptly shuts it again, his voice slow and slurred.
“Lovely.” The man kicks at Yoongi once more. “Wake up! I’ve got a job to do.”
“Then go to your job and stop bothering me.” Yoongi rolls onto his left side so his back is facing Mr. Deep Voice.
“Well, you see, I need you in order to complete my job. More specifically, I need you to work with me.” His voice sounds obnoxiously close to his ear; Yoongi has feel his breath ghost across the shell of his ear.
“Then you're out of luck. I’m not getting up.” Yoongi says stubbornly.
“You don't want to check on anyone before you leave for good?” the stranger sounds skeptical.
Hoseok’s smile leaves a brilliant after imagine painted in its place on Yoongi’s eyelids, Jin’s best meals dance on his tongue, phantom spices teasing him, and even Taehyung’s laugh bounces around his skull. His family come as an afterthought; he hadn't been in touch with them in such a long period of time, he barely remembers their individual quirks.
“No. I don't want to see them.” he lies. If he does, he knows he’ll feel guilty. He’d want to return and that would only cause more pain for everyone involved down the road. Yoongi’s life would still be shit, and he would probably try to kill himself again. Yoongi knows all of this. He also knows he wouldn't be able to stomach putting Jin and the others through his death twice.
Besides dying once was enough for him, thank you very much.
“There’s no one you want to say goodbye to? At all?” he persists.
Wow, this guy doesn't know when shut the fuck up.
“No. Just let me go in peace.” he says, but his voice breaks on the last syllable.
“I don’t believe you.” the other shoots back, having caught Yoongi’s slip up.
“Good thing you don't have to, then.” Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut tightly and tries to ignore the pain in his chest.
There is a short pause.
“Do you want to see what you’ll miss?”
Yoongi doesn't answer.
“What about the person you’ll be abandoning?” Mr. Deep Voice asks airily.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Yoongi snaps. Suddenly sleep slips from his grasp.
“You know, the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. He won't form any good romantic relationships with anyone but you and since you kicked the bucket he’ll never be satisfied with another person.” He stops to let everything sink in before continuing. “Seen it happen before, it's really sad how the person left behind struggles without the other. People who wait for someone who never comes dend to turn to self destructive methods, while those who lose a life long lover can learn to cope with the memories they posses.” the other man's voice turns slightly bitter at the last bit.
“Bullshit.” There is no way there is someone waiting for him. Nope, that shit did not happen in real life. He does not subscribe to such a fools tale.
“If you really think so, I can't change your mind. But are you really willing to pass on anyway? Can you leave knowing there's a chance, however slim, that you would be ruining another innocent person's life? A person who you would love unconditionally if you were to stay?” taunts the man.
“Shut up. Just stop talking.” Of course he can't leave now. The only reason he had the courage to die was because he believed wholeheartedly that that he had distanced himself enough so that his friends and family would get over him.
Yoongi doesn't put any stock in whatever bullshit this stranger is spewing, but that doesn't mean it necessarily isn't true. The possibility of another person being affected by his absence for their whole life shakes Yoongi to his core.
“It would be really shitty if you didn't at least see the guy you are about to fuck over.” Disgust and disapproval colors his tone.
“Fine….” Yoongi waits for the stranger's name.
“Namjoon.”
“Namjoon, right. I’ll seen him once then i'm gone. Got it?” Yoongi opens his eyes and faces Namjoon. The guy is surprisingly attractive. He’s tall, blonde with the sides of his hair shorter than the top, thick lipped, and he has killer dimples.
Vaguely, Yoongi thinks Jin would appreciate Namjoon very much.
Namjoon (aka Mr. Deep Voice) smiles smugly at his reply, dimples on full display.
“Then let's go meet Park Jimin.” Namjoon says. He stands up and assists Yoongi.
For some reason Yoongi gets the feeling that agreeing to Namjoon was a mistake.