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Rose sometimes sits and thinks about the enigma that is John Egbert. She knows very well that no one, no one, could be that "derptastic". However, for the life of her she cannot figure out why he puts it into practice. Unless he has some sort of masochistic tendencies (possible, but unlikely) he would derive no pleasure from the joke of portraying himself as an overaffectionate goofball. Other than, perhaps, seeming like a very honest and good-willed sort of person.
She also cannot quite piece together why he seems nicer to her than the others. There really is no reason for it, she treats him the coldest of their friends (and she has long ago accepted that among her friends she will always seem the coldest).
Then he brings her flowers.
"Oh," She says, staring at them and back at him, "Oh." She says again, and breaths in the small carnations (dyed lilac to match her eyes).
Rose smiles, because she knows this game. She's played this game since her birth, and it's ridiculous how long it took her to figure it out that he wanted to play too.
John has initiated a lovely game of ironic affection, and she will be damned if she loses to him.
She plots it out very carefully. If she puts everything onto the table straight away, then she'll have no back up plan if he tops her. But, if she puts something out to small, then he stop playing, think her too easy an opponent. She can't stand the idea of him thinking that she can't play properly, she is a master of it after all.
She decides a "date" is in order. She takes him to a theatre playing one of her favorites. It's entirely in French, with very tiny subtitles. Rose doesn't read the subtitles, instead she listens to John's attempt at dubbing over the black and white actors on screen. They're the only ones in the old theatre at eleven in the morning, so instead of shushing him she allows him a giggle or two.
Midway through he grabs her hand and doesn't let go.
She narrows her eyes briefly but let's it go, well-played, she thinks. Because really, she wouldn't have thought to expect hand-holding until the second date. The fact that John does so on the first means she'll have to give him a kiss on the cheek to win the date.
The game of affection is a bit like chess, if chess let you disguise pieces and lie about your pawns.
John walks her home, and insists on hooking arms with her. She thinks he's rushing a bit, but hopes that he's just getting the simple things out of the way first. She has heard tale that the parts after the awkward touches are very fun. Of course, she's only played the game of affection with Dave before, and they could never make it past the kiss on the cheek stage.
On her doorstep, she gives John a light peck and he turns a shade of red that she wants to steal away and turn into yarn. She is halfway to her room before she realizes that she's gotten caught up in fantasies of an Egbert-red scarf, with gloves if she has enough yarn left over. It is only a bit embaressing though, and surely there is no shame in wanting interesting shades of yarn?
He shows up the next morning at four a.m. and drags her to watch the sunset on a hill by his house. She tells him it's beautiful and makes him a daisy-chain crown. He laughs and tells her that daisy-chains are stupid, then he runs off to see if McDonald's is open yet.
John Egbert is a master at this game.
"McDonald's was still closed, so I got us a pizza from the combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut," He says, and sets down the box, "I just got pepperoni because I wasn't sure if you would be okay with a combination."
Pizza. Rose's mind tries desperately to figure out what he's going for with pizza. When he throws a slice at one of the birds flying toward them, she decides it is a romantic gesture that only a blockbuster affioncando like John can understand.
He walks her home again, and this time he gives her a kiss on the cheek. It is obvious who won the date.
Rose spends the afternoon on Ebay betting on various signed posters. When she gives them to John he exuberently tells her the names and star roles of all of them.
She smirks like a cat with creme fresh on it's lips, until John, in a fit of excitement, kisses her on the lips.
It's a risky move, she knows, he's obviously desperate to win. She won't let him though, not this time. She pulls back to nimble on his lip until he gasps, and then she slips a tongue between his lips. For a moment they freeze, both unsure what to do, and then John pushes her tongue with his, and they somehow end up wrestling with mouths alone.
He manages to get her to gasp, even though he really has no chance of winning the date. She decides that she has to get him to realize that though, so she grabs his hand and sets it on her breast.
They are sitting in his backyard when it happens (posters laying in a box with the lid tipped off), so John only gropes her for a moment or so before pulling back, his face that delightful shade of Egbert-red she loves so much.
"My dad might see," He says.
It's a reasonable excuse, so she gives him one more kiss, more chaste than the last, and heads home. She knows she won, but she isn't exactly sure who's move it is next, she contemplates the phone, wondering if she should call him to cement her clear victory, or just allow him to slink off. She finally decides to allow him to lick his wounds without her interference. If he was Dave she would, but there is something about John that makes her want to exhibit some sportsmanship.
Her victory (obvious as it is), feels a bit hollow. She realizes half-heartedly that she really had expected a better game from him. Surely a man so ironically genuine would have more pulchitrude to him?
John shows up at her door to take her to a movie. She tells him that she's a bit busy, and perhaps tomorrow? When he shows up the next day, she feeds him the same line. It's almost as if he isn't aware of his own defeat.
Then he shows up outside her window and blasts a love-ballad at her. Her mother is obviously working with him, seeing as how an extension cord is run from their house to allow for his iPod speakers. She has no clue what the song is, but when John confesses his love to her, it warms the very cockles of her heart.
So they start the game up again.
(Rose doesn't figure out they're not playing a game until her wedding night.)
(John doesn't figure out Rose thought it was a game until his tenth anniversary.)