Work Text:
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill~
- Pink, Like A Pill
Methamphetamines
Junsu was the first.
It comes as no surprise – afterall for the longest of time, it was just the two of them.
Two teenage boys whose dreams are still larger than life, whose hopes are still bright and shining in their eyes – They’re living.. or at least would-be living their dreams of becoming famous artists. They’re invincible, nothing could touch them.. Nothing could shake their friendship.. their brotherhood.
For Yunho, Junsu’s family is like his own. He respect Mr and Mrs Kim just as much as he respects his own parents and he thinks of Junho as his own older brother: Although he is younger than Yunho, somehow Junsu’s twin always gives off this matured aura.
As for Junsu..
Junsu is everything good and happy in the world. Being with Junsu makes Yunho thinks that ‘Hey, this is POSSIBLE.. We could make it.’.
He’s like a beacon of light that everyone can’t help but flock around to, and Yunho thinks he’s the luckiest boy in the world to have Junsu as his best friend.
It first happened after one of the more grueling than usual ‘dance-til-you’re-half-dead’ training. All other trainees filed out from the dance studio one by one until there were only two of them lying on the dusty floor with their panting breaths echoed harshly in the semi-dark room.
No one could remember who made the first move. It seemed like one moment they’re staring blankly outside the wide window to the full moon outside – shining big and bright against the dark velvet sky, and the very next second they were kissing like it was their last day on earth.
Yunho could barely thinks what on earth was going on before the kissing turned to heavy petting and before he knows it; both of them were half-naked, sticky and with twin dazed looks on their faces.
The ‘incident’ happened more than few times more – sometimes multiple encounters in one day: a quick hand job in the janitor’s closet, a desperate dirty frotting at the side of their locker in between showers, necking in the darkened studio room, heated glances in the midst of practice…
It doesn’t matter that they might get caught and ruin their one and only chance to achieve their dreams. Both were young and danger burn their blood to fevered pitch – it excites them, it fueled their desire and thirst for challenge.
Looking back, he guessed it was pretty obvious that it was just a teenage fling or crush. No way could that it be anything else aside from puppy love. But at the time, Yunho was positively giddily convinced that he had found his one – the person he convinced that will be by his side forever.
Being with Junsu was unlike anything Yunho had ever felt before (admittedly he was just 16 at the time so there are plenty of things that he hasn’t experienced yet, but still…).
It was like they were constantly on the go. No matter where and when, all that needed was just a brush of the other’s hand and rest assured that it will definitely turned to something more. Yunho could barely catch his breath before he found himself whisked away by Junsu to the nearest flat surface for another desperate humping session.
And Yunho is.. was happy.
How could he not?
He was in love (or thought he was) with his absolute best friend in the whole world..
The only one that understood what he was going through at the time (isn’t it just like teenagers? ‘Woe is me’ is their universal motto).
So he~ like any other 16 (‘And a half!’ Yunho huffed angrily)..
ok, ok.. I meant, just like any other 16 and a half years old boy, Yunho decided to confess to his one true love.
What exactly had he expect??
A smile? Perhaps.
A returned undying love confession? Better still.
He certainly didn’t expect the other boy to laugh hysterically (even banged his head at the corner of the wooden chair) and asked him breathlessly if he was joking.
“.. I mean, don’t get me wrong hyung.. you’re a nice guy but c’mon.. we’re still young. Why are you confessing like some love-stricken girl?
Omo! Don’t tell me that you really fell in love with me, hyung?! Of course you are not that stupid, right? Ahahaha…!”
So what else could he do but smiled shakily and told Junsu that he was just kidding around.. No need to take him so seriously.
Despite saying that, he also made sure that both of them were never in the same room alone anymore. He might be young but the thought of having sex without any emotional connection really sickened him and he can’t bear that for Junsu, they were just an outlet to teenage frustration.
But it wasn’t easy.. Junsu is Yunho’s personal human-‘mood-maker’.
His self-confidence, his senses and energy are all deliciously stimulate to their highest peak with Junsu by his side and with that,
the world doesn’t seems like such a big scary place to face.
And now..
Even with Junsu being as friendly as ever – Yunho could feel the loss of that intimate connection.
Sometimes in between those nightmares-laced sleeps where he would wake up in bouts of panic attacks, he wondered if he would ever find his ‘fuel’ again.
*************
Marijuana
Then came Yoochun.
Yunho can’t even begin to describe how much he admires the guy.
Nothing fazes Park Yoochun.
Abso-fucking-ly nothing!
There’s just something about a guy who can just glides into a room – may it be full or with just few strangers around, and just look as if he owned everyone there.
It doesn’t matter who you are, when one is in close proximity with Yoochun, that person would instantly feels calm.. relax..
Yoochun has this ability to make people forgot what’s the rush is all about. They laugh and smile a little easier.. a little ‘free’er and somehow life seems so much lighter than what it supposed to be.
Unlike Yunho who wears his emotions on his sleeves like beacons, Yoochun is mysterious and laidback.
Always looking at others with his half-lidded, lazy stares and greets them warmly with his husky smoky voice. People would feel both at ease and apprehensive when they first talk to him.
Honestly, it’s a very disconcerted feeling – not knowing what to expect.
When Yoochun first kissed him, it was at an afterparty for all SMTown ‘family’ – trainees and staffs alike.
DBSK had just won their SBS Gayo ‘Best New Artist’ award and Yunho in particular was nearly bouncing off the walls with his barely contained excitement.
Junsu was off somewhere with his best friend Eunhyuk: still a trainee in SM, Jaejoong was also off flirting with some girls (or guys) while the maknae Changmin just sitting quietly on the side watching amusingly his hyper Yunho-hyung flitted around the room from one person to another like butterfly on speed.
Finally he was winding down a bit from his rush and went out to the balcony to get some air. When he opened the glass sliding door however, he noticed there was already someone there leaning against the railings – looking up to the dark ink of Seoul’s night sky.
Yunho hesitated and finally decided to go back inside – not wanting to disturb the peaceful tranquility of the dark figure.
“Just come here, hyung..”
The honey smooth voice stopped Yunho in his track to retreat back into the party room.
“Come out and close the door.”
This time it was gentle but commanding at the same time and Yunho just followed without really thinking about it.
The thick glass door cut off the noise from inside and now there were only two of them on the balcony. Once in awhile the sound from night traffic down below broke through the quiet atmosphere.
Yunho shuffled from one foot to another restlessly.
He respects and admires Yoochun, yes.. But the fact also is that off all the members, he is the least close with the guy.
Yoochun is closer to Junsu and Jaejoong while Yunho is closer to Jaejoong and Changmin.
If it’s the group activities than they have no problem joking and communicating with each other but when it was just the two of them, Yunho often feels awkward and nervous because he feels pressured to say or do something to impress Yoochun – how ridiculous as that may sounds.
He cleared his throat,
“Um.. that was unexpected, wasn’t it? Us winning the award?? I thought for sure that…”
“Why was it unexpected?”
The deep voice cut in calmly. Yoochun turned to look at the group’s leader,
“Do you really have that little faith in us, hyung?”
Yunho widened his eyes in panic and frantically tries to soothe his dongseang,
“Aniyo!!.. That wasn’t what I meant, Yoochun-ah~.. I just.. I was..”
Laughter.
“Aish, jinjja hyung.. are you sure you’re older than me?
It was so easy to tease you.. I was just pulling your strings, Yunho-hyungie..”
Puffing out his cheeks, Yunho bit his lower lip slightly – not noticing the darkened look the other boy threw him.
“You’re a meanie, Chunnie-ya~.. Stop teasing your poor old hyung like that.”
“Hmm.. if I cant tease you, should I kiss you instead?”
“Eh??”
And before Yunho could say anything else, there was the gentlest pressure on his lips.
Yoochun pulled back and looked up at his wide-eyed hyung,
“There, how was it?”
“Umm.. er.. nice?”
Yunho asked in bewilderment.
Yoochun chuckled,
“Ah~.. I should be insulted.. Nobody wants their kisses to be just nice”
He pulled Yunho closer and whispered against his lips – breaths mingling,
“We all want it to be breath-taking… explosive”
… And then it was..
Even until today if one were to ask Yunho which was the best kiss he ever received in his life, it would be that moment.. That single perfect moment with Yoochun on the balcony.
It’s a gentle, lingering touch of the lips...a hesitation on both parts as they touch, as if both are taking the time to memorize the feeling before they part.
They went back and forth, talking with lips and tongue.
Nobody overwhelms the other.
Yoochun teased with his lips and tongue, then backed off and let Yunho follow and ‘ask’ for more.
Yunho has no idea how much time has passed. It could be the next day already for all he cares..
His first kiss with Yoochun is also his last with the guy.
While Yunho blushed and stumbled his way around the younger man for few days after the event, Yoochun just surf his way through life as usual: teasing and laughing at/with Junsu, gossiping with Jaejoong, plotting with Changmin and flirting with everyone and anyone alive.
He treats Yunho exactly like he always treat him before.. There wasn’t even any hesitation, any inkling that he wanted to talk on what had transpired between them.
After couple of weeks, Yunho began to loosening up himself and found out that he actually enjoys being around Yoochun – even while the younger man is composing and demands absolute quiet and serenity.
Anyone who knows Yunho would be surprised that the usually hyper man-child actually is capable of sitting down quietly more than 10 minutes as he prone to do when Yoochun is in one of his ‘composer-at-work’ mode - hanging around the younger man and just simply reading or dozing on the worn-out couch next to Yoochun’s piano.
But then that’s Yoochun for you, he just has this ability to bring out the calmness in people.
No, they never talk about the perfect kiss anymore..
But that night IS the turning point of their friendship.
Unknowingly, they became closer and more comfortable with each other – especially on Yunho’s part.
And when Junsu and Yoochun announced to the group that they’re together together few months after that, Yunho was the first person who hugged and congratulated them with a big smile on his face.
*********************
L.S.D
Yunho was (and still is) convinced that there isn’t and never will be another human alive or dead that is like Kim Jaejoong.
If there is one word he has to use to describe his best friend, it most probably would be: Firework.
And just like firework, Jaejoong’s personality is bright and colorful and loud.
No one on this earth could lay eyes on him and NOT be enthrall by not only his ethereal beauty but also by his charms.
Sounds cliché but Jaejoong could commit murder and get away with it by just blinking those huge eyes of him and pout his pink plump lips at people.
Young, old, girls, boys, grandmothers, uncles, priests, nuns..no one is safe from the ‘Jaejoong Effect’.
What Jaejoong wants, everyone would be scrambling all over themselves to make sure Jaejoong would get it.
That’s just the way it is.
And Yunho…
Yunho is just but a mere mortal.
What defense could he possibly have against such force?
After being with Junsu and that brief incident with Yoochun, Yunho was wary of feeling anything more than brotherly love for anyone anymore.
Afterall despite one might say, third time might NOT be the charm and he certainly didn’t want to tempt fate. He was lucky that things weren’t awkward with Junsu and Yoochun and if he has to take cold shower after every single time Jaejoong thoughtlessly draped himself all over Yunho?
Then so be it.
Unfortunately while everyone is spellbound with Jaejoong, the porcelain beauty just fascinated by Yunho and had his entire focus on the group’s leader.
It doesn’t matter where they are or what time of day it was.. Yunho found himself trying to dodge Jaejoong’s over affectionate attention onto him.
And he can’t be obvious about it as he is the leader and it wouldn’t do to show that the leader plays favoritism in the group. Furthermore Jaejoong’s actions instead of making fans questioning them, were actually one of key factors that lend a boost to DBSK’s popularity.
Everywhere the group goes, no matter which country it was.. they’ll be sure to see hundreds of ‘YunJae Yongwonhi’ placard scattered among the red ‘sea’.
The internet world was full of websites that supports ‘YunJaeHo’ relationship.
On stage, all Jaejoong had to do is just glanced towards his left and the crowd went wild.. and God forbid if Yunho happened to glance back, it honestly felt like the roof going to fall down from the fans shrieks and screams.
The company delighted in this obviously and encourages more fan service from the duo, much to Jaejoong’s glee and Yunho’s chagrin.
With what seemed the whole world was against him, is it any wonder that Yunho finally succumbed and let Jaejoong in his heart?
Have one ever could truly say that he had Kim Jaejoong’s full attention onto himself and survived the experience?
Because being the center of Jaejoong’s world is nothing like Yunho had ever felt before.
Jaejoong has this ability in making people around him feels like they could own the world.
Like nothing is impossible.. as long as they were with him of course.
It was an addictive feeling.
It’s shameful to admit but Yunho likes it when people look at them both and be envious of him when Jaejoong ignored their attempts to flirt with him, choosing instead to lavish his adoration on Yunho.
He likes it when Jaejoong fussed over him when he looks tired or cuddled with him when Yunho is feeling extra affectionate.
He likes it when Jaejoong kissed him senseless until Yunho forgot his own name, let alone where they were.
He can’t help but gloat a little when he was the one the beautiful older male grabbed to sit on his laps.
It’s true what people say:
too much of a good thing can be bad for you.
Yunho started to lose himself.
To be fair, no one wants to be their self when with Jaejoong.
They all want to be who Jaejoong wants them to be.
Because to be otherwise is unthinkable..
***********************
Mescaline
The thing with Kim Jaejoong is that:
while he has a face and voice like an angel, the same can’t be said with his heart.
Oh, he’s not evil or psycho or anything like that..
at least he never consciously meant to be anything like that.
But…
There’s something tainted in him..
Something different.. something indescribable.. something broken
He loves with all his heart… and at the same time he hates with everything he has too.
He wants to care and protect those he likes and when they’re laughing and happy, in his mind he imagines how it feels like when/if he pummeled that happy face until it’ll become bloody and unrecognizable..
How quickly will the happy light in those eyes will go out if he smashed the back of their skull with a tire iron.. or better yet, a solid sledgehammer.
He wonders how melodious would the sound of their scream will sound when he brings them to the highest cliff and push them over:
he imagines it would be like a lullaby in the night..
When he thinks about these things, he can’t help but smiles and shivers in excitement.
Kim Jaejoong is not a psycho.
No.
He never actually carries out any of his imagination.. and he never ever voiced them out, not even in the privacy of his journal that he carries everywhere.
He just wonders.. and imagines.. and sometimes dreams..
He loves Yunho from the first time he saw him - lion’s mane-haired and all.
No.. he lusts after the boy.
Not love.. not yet, anyway.
He wants to cuddle the man-child and smothers him with kisses and cooks for him and pat his head and cares for him and kick punch kill smash strangle him.
He knows about Yunho’s history with Junsu and Yoochun, of course.. (and Changmin, do you really thinks that hyung didn’t see the way you looks at our leader??).
But that’s okay coz Jaejoong was sure that when they finally got together, Yunho wouldn’t think of anyone else but him.. wouldn’t depend on anyone but Jaejoong..
He’s adorably stupidly loyal like that.
In a way, Jaejoong fancies himself as Yunho’s teacher in life’s little lessons.
Such as:
- No need to take his responsibilities so seriously.. They are afterall, all-important Dong Bang Shin Ki.. And those staffs were assigned to them for a reason.. not to just sit around doing nothing.. So they shouldn’t feel bad ordering those lazy-asses around..
Sure, after Jaejoong’s suggestion (read: urge) made Yunho not exactly the most popular member among the staffs..
But hey, at least that will stop everyone from being close to HIS Yunho and now Jaejoong has his own personal assistant to carry his bags wherever he goes.. so as far as he was concerned, it was a win-win situation.
- He also urged Yunho not to be so compliant to his own parents. In fact, he encouraged Yunho to spend more time with Jae’s family instead.
Jaejoong knows Yunho’s father didn’t trust him with his son and that Mr Jung thinks that Jae is a bad influence to Yunho.. ’huh, self-righteous pig’ he thought in satisfaction as he saw Yunho just reject another call from his dad.
- “Life is a party, Yunho.. You gotta liven up a bit.”
Jaejoong smiled sweetly at the dubious man as he gestured towards the table where few of their friends were snorting fine white powders with little straws. Outside the private room, muffled thumping from the music speaker permeated through the padded door.
“I don’t know, Jae.. This seemed a bit..”
“I hate boring men, Yunbi.. You wouldn’t want me to have to find another more exciting partner, now do you darling?”
And that’s that..
- It’s so easy to separate Yunho from Su/Chun couple.. afterall, those two horny bunnies are too wrapped up with each other that they don’t really notice anything else outside their own perfect little world.
The same can’t be said for the maknae however.
It really infuriates Jaejoong that Changmin is the only person in this side of the world that really didn’t trust Jaejoong’s cutesy innocent acts.
He hates that Yunho called Changmin, his best friend.
He tried to keep them apart by telling Changmin that Yunho told Jaejoong that he really didn’t like the youngest but Changmin’s only reaction was just to looked at him blankly and told Jaejoong in his dead-panned voice to just go away.
Jaejoong decided then that he hates Changmin with his stupid perfect face and stupid genius brain and stupid model-height and most of all, he hates Changmin unconditional loyalty to Yunho..
Which is why it took everything he has not to laugh out loud when Yunho and the maknae had a screaming match when Yunho accused Changmin of trying to molest his sweet Jaejoong
( “Yunho-yah~.. I don’t want to tell you this.. B..but.. but.. Changmin.. He tried to..” *teary eyes*).
Don’t get him wrong, in his own way.. he believes he truly loves Yunho..
He really does..
He just doesn’t want anyone else to love Yunho too.
Jaejoong is not stupid.
He knows he’s destroying Yunho slowly but surely.
But he can’t stop… and no one seems to notice.
And Yunho just follows him.. just follows and follows and follows.
He wants to shout at Yunho to ‘Run! Save yourself from me..’
but he doesn’t.
He wants to walk away..
but he couldn’t.
Because he knows as much as Yunho needs him,
Jaejoong needs Yunho more.
For his sanity..
His reason..
His world.
Sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night – a soundless scream lodged in his throat..
Suffocating, killing, drowning.
Flashes of fast-disappearing wisps of dreams throbbed around his head.. behind his eyes.. teasingly.
Images of red.. so so much red all around..
the feel of holding a human heart.. still beating so lovingly in his hand..
And the thrill he could practically taste when he crushed the beating heart and watched as the raw flesh oozed around his fingers..
.... And those lovely almond-shaped eyes that always look at him in such adoration and trust - finally glassy and lifeless..
He may have woke up, nearly screaming..
But if Jaejoong is honest enough with himself, he would admit that seconds before jerking awake, he was laughing.
Yes, he really does love Yunho.
And maybe that’s the reason why when one early Saturday morning (3:12 AM, to be exact), when Changmin dragged the eldest member from his bed - Yunho blissfully too drugged-up to notice anything, and hauled him into the living room where he stumbled on what seemed to be mountains of luggage..
He didn’t put out a protest.
Maybe somewhere deep inside, he had already been expecting this.
He noticed that the other two were there as well.. Next to their own bags..
For once, those two can’t look at each other. As if ashamed of what they’ve become.
“Leave.. Just go, hyung.
You’re killing him.. all three of you and you know it.”
Perhaps if Changmin had raised his voice or sneered or even sounds the slightest bit begging, Jaejoong would just scoff at the youngest and demand who the hell does he thinks he is – to kick them out so easily.
But Changmin just said it calmly.. too calmly.
And Jaejoong found himself unable to say anything.
He swallowed and felt this immense need to see the man he’s leaving behind because he knows.. just knows that after tonight, he would never lay eyes on Yunho again.. at least not alone.
Changmin would make sure of it.
He took a step towards the bedroom.
Just one last look..
But Changmin hold his arm and stopped him dead.
“Just go, hyung. It’s easier this way.”
He looked at the youngest’s blank face..
Blank except if one were to look into those eyes, one would realized how much rage were actually restrained within.
Despite Changmin’s calm voice, Jaejoong knew that if he even try to protest, the maknae wouldn’t hesitate to pick him up and throw him outside.. literally.
“Go, hyung.
And never come back..
Don’t call, don’t write.. Just go.”
“Come hyung.. We’ll stay at my house for tonight..”
Yoochun’s quiet voice floated back to Jaejoong and like in a dream he followed the other two - His mind cannot comprehend that this is reality.
His throat hurts and his eyes burned.
His skin prickling and his face is numb.
His ears are ringing and his blood roaring through his veins.
What is this crushing tight feeling in his chest?
Jaejoong had never experience this before..
When the apartment door closed behind them with a soft click, finally Jaejoong realized that despite all the praises of his otherworldly beauty, he was but a normal man..
Just a normal man who had loved and lost and had now learnt to cry..
Too late… too late.
He lost.
And life goes on….
~finis~