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Kagami Taiga is a tiger who likes burgers. Kuroko Tetsuya is the shadow who steals burger. Akashi Seijuro has scissors fetish. The other GoM’s are just playing cool with their hair colors.
Kagami Taiga doesn’t give a shit of how his teammates criticized his food intake.
He doesn’t give a damn.
Burgers are his life.
His energizer.
His protein.
His paradise.
His savior.
Okay. Now he sounds bullshit sputtering nonsense like that.
He doesn’t care.
Just imagine the demon coach Aida Riko making them run around the field for a hundred times. A hundred push-ups, pull-ups, sprint, weight-lifting, and so the lists go on.
Until he dies and everyone at Seirin’s.
Talking about tortures and stuff.
Aida Riko is the epitome of human torture.
Her practice menus were definitely inspired from horror films who love beating people to death.
He is gonna die, damn it.
His four chambers of stomach growl out of the blue.
He needs refill or else his stomach will digest him alive.
He needs to eat at least a fifty burger or else he’ll die of malnutrition.
*****
Kuroko Tetsuya is a shadow.
He’s a cool dude. Honestly.
He’s the shortest of all shortest players.
But he is an amazing and okay guy.
He’s a shadow. He said.
Others can’t easily see him.
Well, duh, he’s a damn shadow, so that’s why.
Anyway, Kuroko is a good guy.
He has done a lot of good things for me.
Good things like:
a) buying me a limited sale of extra big Maji Burger in which he was able to slip through the hordes of gluttons rushing through the counter without even seeing him;
b) Always nagging me about homeworks and stuffs before deadline or else the demon coach will crucify us if we ever flunk a single subject,
c) And he then gives me the unexpected and amazing passes during basketball games.
He’s the greatest shadow.
But he can be a fucking shit shadow sometimes.
a) He suddenly appears out of nowhere which almost gave me a heart attack.
b) He stealthily stole my Maji burger without even asking one.
I swear. He stole it. Who else would be eating with me at Maji’s?!
c) He’s the master of the fucker and damn mutt Nigou who never fails to scared the daylight out of me! Imagine those terrifying paws and pink tongue sticking out from that mouth and then smiles, showing its rabid incisors.
I swear that I almost got an early heart attack.
*****
Winter Cup finally arrives.
I just came from America training like a panting tiger under the intense tutelage of my master, Alex.
She is a hot blonde with huge boobs.
She’s also a kiss maniac.
I almost died of suffocation due to Alex’s kissing disease.
Hope I didn’t caught it or else I’ll be kissing anyone, especially that mutt.
Yuck.
That is so-so totally disgusting.
I’ll definitely die of rabies kiss.
And then I saw them.
The Generation of Miracles a.k.a GoM a.k.a the rainbow heads. Kuroko is also one of them.
Furihata as well who almost shit on his pants.
Can’t blame him.
Who in their normal lives won’t shit on their pants while looking at those rainbow heads?
Kise Ryota, the yellow head, who has a shitty mouth and arms always clinging on to Kuroko.
Midorima Shintaro, the green head, so green that I thought he mistakenly rubbed all the green leaves from the Earth’s rainforest and refused to wash away. He’s also a total fucking tsundere and a shit who always brings fucking shit stuffs saying it’s his lucky item. Right now he’s holding a pair of red scissors saying it’s Oha Asa.
Fucking stuffs. He can’t help but fuck his lucky items or else he’ll die.
Aomine Daiki, the blue head. That guy’s a total piss with his famous line ‘the only one who can beat me is me!’ Shitty lines which only make me vomit of shits.
Murasakibara Atsushi, the giant purple head. He’s a titan who escaped Isayama Hajime’s Shingeki no Kyojin and now he’s taking a human form and instead of eating humans resorted to munching potato chips. That guy’s a total dick. I swear.
They have weird hair colors. But Aomine is the total shit for dyeing his hair blue and took all of his time sun bathing that he turned himself into a ganguro!
Okay. I admit. My hair is not normal as well.
It’s red and black.
People said that I messed up dyeing it red leaving the front tips black.
The hell it’s natural.
It’s called genes, dude.
Go and study Biology, genius!
Damn life for the red hair.
Then I see another red hair.
My eyes almost bulge out from their sockets.
It’s so red. Ultra red.
So red that I thought I’d go blind and have sore eyes.
He is the ex-captain of the rainbow heads.
Kuroko almost forgot to breathe.
Furihata finally piss and shit on his pants.
I almost swallow my tongue upon seeing his eyes.
OH.
MY.
GOD.
They were different!
Like his other eye was smeared of mustard and after washing it for so many times it became permanent while the other one was that of the reddest tomato ketchup that solidified in his iris.
Crisis.
Eye crisis.
No wonder the rainbow heads respect him for having an eye disease he contracted from eating too much mustard and ketchup.
He should have gone to see an eye specialist.
And he’s-
-he’s so short that he needs to stand on the highest step of the stairs!
I bet he’s the shortest but Kuroko got the record for the shortest of the shortest shorts!
Fucking short brat.
His mustard and ketchup eye then directly looks at me.
The hell with this shit brat.
Looking down on me now.
“Yo. Did you eat too much mustard and ketchup to get those fucking eyes?”
The rainbow heads suddenly turn to me with their terrified faces that looked like they saw an idiot muttering idiocies in front of their king.
Or rather they turn to me as if I just asked for a death wish in front of their fuck short King.
“K-Kagami-kun…!” Furihata gasps in horror.
Horrified because he’s pissing and shitting endlessly on his pants.
“O-Okay… Why are you wearing different colors of contact lens? Did you make a mistake or something?” I reiterate to at least appear reasonable and smart.
Okay.
I’m being a smart ass.
Kuroko slaps his face with his right palm.
Midorima lets out a sigh.
Aomine smirks.
Kise looked like as if he just dumped on his pants.
Murasakibara just eats the potato chip.
“Kagami Taiga? Is that right?” the red headed shortie asks and then descends the stair steps, like he has a red cape or something that he needs to walk so regally.
“I heard that you are Tetsuya’s new light. I also heard that you were feeding him with burger which is not healthy,” he talks shits and then stops by Midorima.
Tetsuya?
Who’s that?
“Shintaro, can I borrow your scissors?” the shortie asks without even saying please.
“What will you do with these, nanodayo?” the four eyed Midorima asks, hesitant to lend his fucking scissors.
“I need to trim my hair since it covers my eyes,” the shortie says as he snips the red strands covering his eyes.
“So? Who’s this Tetsuya?” I ask watching the red head walking its way towards me.
“Bakagamicchi! It’s Kurokocchi!” Kise says with a trembling voice, his fucking face looked shock for not knowing the first name of my shadow.
Great.
So he’s talking about Kuroko.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait.
.
.
.
.
How did he know that Kuroko is eating my burger?!
To be more precise stealing and eating my burger?
“I am not feeding him! Kuroko’s the one stealing my burgers and he hasn’t paid me back yet!”
“Kagami-kun, I thought that you said I’m always free to eat your burgers,” Kuroko turns to me with those stupid puppy eyes.
It only reminds me of that mutt he’s always bringing with him.
“Kuroko, you bastard! I didn’t say anything like that!”
Damn fucking life.
Why is this fuck happening to me?
Maybe life curse me with fuck shits and now the shits of all shits are giving me the hardest fucking shits.
“You shouldn’t promise something to Tetsuya that you wouldn’t even do, Kagami Taiga,” the short red head says with the creepiest smile that’s creepier than Freddie Krueger.
His mismatch eyes of ketchup mustard can be auctioned in the Halloween Auction.
I should have said that.
But I feel like shitting on my pants.
Now I’m just like Furihata who really shitted and pissed on his pants.
And then like the shittiest shit of shits he quickly lunges those creepiest pair of scissors on my fucking face!
Like shittiest of shits I quickly dodged it but the shitty scissor’s blade left a fucking scratch on my fucking left cheek.
“The fuck is wrong with you?!” I fucking shouted as I moved away from the shitty red head monster.
Right.
I take back what I just said.
He’s not Freddie Krueger.
He’s the new Jack the Ripper.
But he should be called shit Akashi the Scissors.
“Tetsuya is mine. You’re not permitted to give him burgers unless you ask permission from me. Know your place, Kagami Taiga,” he fucking shit says as he smirks with that evil fucking face. He then walks towards Kuroko and then puts his right arm around the goddamn’s waist.
I almost puke.
Wait.
Is this for real?
Holy shits of shit.
Kuroko and the red head shit Akashi the scissors?!?!?
They totally looked fucking shit.
Like I just took a dump and am about to flush it but the goddamn flush doesn’t work.
This is Kuroko’s goddamn fault!
And my life turned the shitty shits.
Bring back my Maji burger!
FROM THAT DAY ON, SEEING KETCHUP AND MUSTARD AT MAJI'S WILL ALWAYS REMIND KAGAMI HOW THE CREEP SLASHED HIM.
CROSS FINGERS TO THOSE WHO LOVE KAGAMI!