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It was around two a.m when Remus shut his eyes and pressed a blanket tightly to his chest. He felt like he couldn't breathe, something was stealing the air from his lungs, tears filled his eyes. It was because of Sirius again and Remus didn't know whether he could stand that any longer. But he couldn't break up with him, if he did he'd shatter to pieces.
Sirius definitely would shatter to pieces. Sirius would hurt himself or do something very stupid. And Remus didn't want Sirius to be hurt even though Sirius hurt him all the time.
It was a gloomy Monday morning when it all happened again. Rain was streaming down the windows of the castle as the marauders came back to their dorm room after the lessons. The November moon was slowly coming and Remus felt more and more uneasy. His hip was sore and he was so knackered that all he'd dreamt about was to lie down on the bed and go to sleep.
James took out his broom and went to the quidditch pitch, surprisingly, Sirius didn't come along with him. Maybe it was because of the weather or maybe he just wasn't in the mood for quidditch as they had a minor fight during Transfiguration class. Sirius behaved like a spoiled brat and Remus was willing to forgive him, but he acted like it had all been his fault. Again.
So Remus decided to sleep and Sirius decided to sulk. They didn't talk a lot those days. Peter felt the changing atmosphere and the pressure surrounding their dorm room so he took out his chess set and walked down to the common room saying:
“Deal with it on your own guys, I'm out”
And afterwards no one talked for long, long minutes. Sirius was eighteen years old, yet still unable to say sorry. There was nothing that pissed Remus off more than that.
“Aren't you gonna say anything, Sirius?”
“Say what, exactly?” Sirius snapped and took out his wand to dry his wet socks. He stepped in a puddle and made a huge fuss about it. And well, that irritated Remus as well.
“Dunno, some form of apology would be nice actually.”
“I don't have anything to be sorry about. It's your fault, Lupin.”
Oh, great. Now he's been calling him by his surname which Sirius hardly did now, as they've been together since the beginning of year six. It was always Moony, Moons or Remus. Sometimes Sirius called him love but only when no one could hear them. Yet, it was hardly ever Lupin. Only when they teased each other or when they argued. It had to be the second option now.
“Black, please, don't be a drama queen and just simply admit that you've been acting like a fucking idiot and we'll get over this as we usually do.”
“I'm not a fucking idiot!”
“Sometimes, I think you are! A rather heartless one, a selfish bastard who can't admit that he's made a mistake. It's not my fault this time, Sirius, and you know that. Just say the goddamn word.”
“It's not your fault but you've been hanging around her like a fucking dog?! You think I don't see this?” Sirius almost set his socks on fire. He swore and put his wand aside for a moment, hissing angrily.
“You're jealous of Lily fucking Evans! James would've killed me if I tried to touch her.”
“Yeah. Doesn't mean you don't want to.” he muttered.
“You think I wanna fuck every girl I see even though I told you that I'm absolutely mental about you? Geez, use some of that brain of yours. I don't even like girls.”
“Flirting with every filthy bitch you see is what you call not liking girls?” Sirius took his wand and jumped off his bed, heading to Remus' one and just stood there. With fury in his eyes, looking like he wanted to hex Remus right in the face.
“Oi, did you just call Evans a bitch? You fucking...” Remus didn't quite finish his sentence, smashing Sirius' nose instead.
It was a strong punch because blood started streaming down Sirius' face immediately. He had a grimace on his face and tears in his eyes. Like he'd just seen someone else in Remus' face. Well he didn't expect a hit. Not at all.
“It's not about Evans. I didn't call her a bitch. It's about Vance. And about Patil. And about Lewis and all of those cunts who want to flirt with you. Who you're flirting back to.”
“Please, don't be fucking ridiculous. They all wanna get fucked by you! They just know we're friends. You think I can't talk to girls because of what? Because you think you own me?” Remus couldn't stand it any longer. He kept his fists clenched. Sirius didn't punch back. “I have scars all over my ugly face. They don't like me. They like you and all I tell them is that you don't look for a girlfriend.”
“You're not flirting with me though. You never do. All you do is look away. What makes me not enough for you? What makes me worse than those bloody girls you always hang out with?!”
Sirius really had to make drama from every minor thing that was going on. Remus groaned and pulled his hair. It was going to be a long talk. He wished he could yell everything at once and just walk out of the dorm room. He wanted to leave Sirius alone.
“Jesus fucking Christ, what else am I supposed to say? I love you! I don't like girls. Any of them. I only like you, Sirius. I'm sorry I can't tell about it every fucking person because we're fags but that's not my fault!”
“Prove it.” Sirius said, while trying to fix his nose with some poorly made healing spell that only managed to stop the bleeding.
“How?”
“Fuck me.”
Remus swallowed. He didn't feel like it right now. He wanted to shut the curtains and go to sleep and wake up in the morning when Sirius wouldn't be around anymore. Besides he felt tired. So very tired and restless. Arguing with his boyfriend made that only worse.
“I don't want to.” Remus muttered and looked at the boy standing in front of him. His dark long hair was a mess, blood still hadn't dried on his face and grey eyes were still filled with tears.
“You don't want me anymore?” Sirius said as he got down on his knees. He looked at Remus with puppy eyes and started playing with his belt.
“No, for fuck's sake! I don't want to have sex with you now. That doesn't mean I don't want you.” Sirius' hands went a bit further, unbuttoning Remus' trousers. “Fuck off.” Remus shrugged Sirius' hands off and collapsed on the bed.
“So you do whore around with them?! What? Is my dick not fucking enough for you? What else do I need to do to be fucking enough for you?! It's ridiculous, Moony. Why would you choose them over me? I don't understand!” Sirius started to cry and he sat down on the floor, resting his chin on the knees. “Fuck, why are you doing this to me, Moony?”
“I am just fucking talking to them! Listen, I've never had sex with anyone but you. You're just fucking possessive over me. You think I can't have any other friends but you?!”
“You don't love me anymore.” Sirius cried out. “If you did, you'd be spending time with me. Not with them. That's not fucking fair.”
“I have my own friends and that's not fucking fair? I'll tell you what's not fucking fair, Sirius. You're not fucking fair. You always demand my attention, I can't breathe when you're around, it's suffocating. You control every step I take, you control where I go after classes, who am I talking to and who I am around when there's a party. And that's not fair, Sirius. Because it was you who kissed Marlene McKinnon while being drunk out of your mind at your birthday party last week and I didn't say anything. You hang out with James and I have to sit on quidditch stands to watch you smile at cheery birds who want to snog your face off and it's you who can't apologize for making mistakes and making an argument out of everything I say. That's not fair. I feel hurt by you. I hope you think about what you're saying because I'm on the verge... of... breaking up with you, Sirius.”
Remus shouted while saying this. He didn't cry as he felt a huge wave of relief swimming across his chest. It felt good to say all of those things he'd been bottling up.
“No! Why? Why would you even think that?! I can't... I won't be alive without you, Remus. I just feel so jealous of you. I hate when people touch you. I feel like they just want to steal you away from me. Sometimes I wanna lock you in a cage and never let you out. I want to admire you and have you always by my side. Because I wouldn't stand you leaving me. Ever. If I can't have you, then no one can have you. You're only mine, you get that? You're mine, Moony. We're destined to be. We're meant to be. You can't leave me! I'll cut my fucking throat, I will hang myself, I'll take some poison from old Sluggy, I'll come back to my fucking mother if you leave me. Do you understand?!” Sirius was screaming and sobbing harshly. He quickly started hyperventilating and was catching quick breaths sounding like he was about to suffocate. “You can't leave me, Moony. I'll be good. I'll be better, okay?”
Sirius slowly crawled into his bed and started snogging Remus' face harshly. He tasted salty, just like tears. Remus felt the frantic beat of his heart, when their lips crushed together. Sirius kissed more and more aggressively, pinning Remus down to the mattress.
“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Moons. I'll never do this again. I'm sorry.”
You will do this again Remus thought. He knew how Sirius was. He knew that it wasn't something that was going to change. Yet, he still nodded and kissed him back more fervently.
“Will you forgive me, my love?” Sirius was kissing his neck all down to the collarbones, trying to make hickeys.
Remus choked out: “You know I always will.”
A few hours later, at said two a.m., Remus was lying in his bed. He cried, burrowing his head in his blanket. He knew he was ought to forgive Sirius. That he was always going to forgive Sirius. No matter what he'd done.
Remus would even lock himself in the cage if that meant that Sirius could stay safe and unhurt.
So when Sirius Black opened his bed curtains in the morning, Remus Lupin just let him inside, feeling unbearable pain spreading somewhere in his chest.
Remus loved Sirius. But he wondered if that was enough. Well, he didn't love him enough to let him go.