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When I was a five-year-old lad, I was told I wouldn't make it past the age of eighteen. At the time, perhaps out of shock, or fear, or the great distance and unfamiliarity I felt from said age, or simply the lack of understanding of such an abstract concept named death, I didn't have much of a reaction. It was as easily accepted as I was told by those irresponsible adults, a simple feeling of, "Ah, so that's how it is, huh." It wasn't until a few days later that the realisation dawned upon me; I was going to die in twelve years, and I wouldn't ever become an adult.
A while after that, I decided to make the best out of the time I had remaining. I wanted to appreciate everything that I was offered with gratitude, so I wouldn't carry heaps of regrets to my grave. Perhaps this way of thinking caused me to be slightly more mature than other children in my age group. However, it didn't take long for this phase to end. After all, to what extent could a mere child with a sick body gain experience in life, especially being surrounded by those despicable adults, who have given up on the child from the beginning?
Nothing held a meaning to me, as I knew it would all be gone in a few years, and I won't remember any of it after that. There is no point in experiencing a fun matter when it won't last long, a waste of time. But I haven't a clue; what should I invest my limited time in, then? Withering away like a pitiful flower, or vanishing like snow under the light of spring?
Day in, and day out, all I could ever think about was my illness, my death, my death, my illness, and my death. I isolated myself, feeling not the need to make any friends, nor enemies, nor anything, because there was nothing more insufferable than fleeting relationships. In fact, I boil with rage envisioning their pitying eyes when they regard me as a sorry creature, and their nonchalance over my eventual death. This paranoia is sufficient to rid me of any desire to connect with other living beings. Perhaps my superiority complex also played a part in this; I felt different from the rest, they were oblivious to what I was going through, and they wouldn't even be able to withstand anything I had to confront. They were weak.
Yet I understood very well; that was an illusion I created in my mind, to cope with the condition I had no choice but to be assailed by, to convince myself that I didn't receive the short end of the stick when fate decided to place me as a pawn in this unfair game of chess. Indeed, I was the inferior one, I was weak.
Oh, how I wish I could be like the rest of them.
Maybe it was with this longing for life that I couldn't help but always hold onto, maybe it was to declare my goodbye to this world before I depart, or maybe it was the impulse to try something different, like a child would when it becomes bored of the old toy; I decided to sneak out tonight, exactly a month before my eighteenth birthday.
With a 24-hour subway pass, I stepped onto the subway without considering where I wished to go. The day ticket was quite expensive for a single trip, at night nonetheless, but it mattered not, no amount of spending is a waste to a man soon to be dead. After approximately an hour of commuting, I decided it was a good time to grab some fresh air. Albeit the summer season having passed not long ago, the nightly air was already crispy, my body wasn’t fit enough to resist the shivers. Even so, I pushed through, I persevered, for I knew this to be a rare occasion, I knew this would be my last chance, my only chance, to be anywhere.
I wandered not far from the station. Truthfully, this place was not so far removed from my hometown, yet knowing that this was, in fact, a different location made me feel at ease. One could call this a false sense of liberation. It was as if, just by being elsewhere, I could attain a new life, become a different person, and abandon the past. I won’t be the Kokichi Muta who has a sick body, but the Kokichi Muta who lives a normal person’s life.
“Mai, why don’t you pick up the phone!”
The original quietness of the night was abruptly interrupted by the exclamation of a girl, who was seemingly trying to call a person, as she was holding a mobile phone and shouting at its screen with a vexed expression. None of that was too bizarre, though, what caught my attention was her fascinating hair. The combination of its shape and the soothing baby blue colour reminded me of the waves belonging to the calm ocean. The bangs are also cut in a particular, trendy way. Not that I knew what was considered trendy, it just felt that way.
“Uh, hi…?”
As I was too immersed in my thoughts, the unique-haired girl appeared to have noticed my gaze. This time, she was looking my way in a mildly awkward manner, a bit taken aback. I might have made her feel uncomfortable, as any person would being stared at by a stranger. A sense of shame welled up inside of me, I quickly averted my eyes and mumbled out an apology.
Upon hearing my apology, the girl's brows slightly raised, she instantly shook her hand, suggesting that my words were needless, as she said, "It's fine! I was just surprised to see someone here at this hour." Ah, so she wasn't feeling uncomfortable because of my stare. Or perhaps she was, but didn't want me to feel bad, hence she changed the topic.
"I see," these were the only words I could utter.
It was apparent that I lacked the social skills to maintain a smooth conversation. I also dreaded it, because if anyone were to ask things such as what my hobbies are, what places I enjoy going to, how many friends I have… I wouldn't be able to give a single response that would suffice as an answer to these questions.
The two of us were locked into this position in which we were both wordlessly looking at each other, unmoving, at night, when nobody else was around, near some creepy forest. It would be great if one of us were to say, "Oh I have to go now, bye-bye!", so we could get out of this torturous situation. But instead of that, she asked me a question.
"Are you also here for the test of courage?"
I supposed that was the thing kids would participate in. They would go to frightening places, such as remote forests, ramshackle buildings, tunnels, cemeteries, and mountains, to, well, test their courage. Although I knew of its existence, it was still an activity that I had zero relation to. Essentially, I didn't have anyone I could do it with. Furthermore, I wasn't allowed to excite my heart too much, for it could worsen my condition.
"...No, I'm not," I answered honestly.
The girl started laughing sheepishly with a palm pressed on her face and sourly muttered to herself, "Of course, nobody would do something as stupid as we are doing…" which was followed by a sigh. "Sorry for asking a dumb question," she added as if she was ashamed of herself. I wasn't entirely sure where this conversation was going, probably nowhere, but it felt right to initiate something.
"So, uh, you were doing the test of courage?"
It was probably due to my imagination, though she seemed a little happy when I finally said something consisting of more than three words. "Yup, at least, that was the plan. But I can't contact any of my friends."
That must be the explanation as to why she was talking to her screen with such a disappointed face.
“We agreed to assemble here tonight, but none of them have come!"
The moment she finished her sentence, the high-pitched 'ping' sound of a bell rang from her phone. She seemed to have received a message, and she focused her eyes on, what I assumed to be, the text that came in. As the time passed by that her eyes were glued to the screen, I could see her frown growing deeper. After that, she turned off the phone, and sighed with a very dispirited expression. Taking her grim reaction into account, I honestly expected the message to be something along the lines of, "You think we'd actually come out? We were just toying with you!"
"Oh, I'm such an idiot!"
I was already thinking of words to comfort her, as she might soon reveal the truth that overlapped with my prediction.
She groaned, "I got the date wrong! We are supposed to meet here tomorrow! What did I stand here waiting almost two hours for!"
Okay, so I was wrong. Did she just say two hours? So instead of getting toyed by her friends, she was toyed by herself. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but that was a little comical to me. I snorted, a bit louder than what I would've liked to, and quickly covered my mouth to suppress the sound, and sort of as a sign of remorse, in hopes that she wouldn't feel offended. She looked at me a bit embarrassed with her mouth slightly agape, surprised by my unexpected outburst.
"Come on, don't laugh!"
"I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you, really. But-" I started laughing again, while I shook my head, thinking how silly her situation was. The girl pouted, yet the pout disappeared from her face soon enough, since she couldn't hold in her laughter, either. The joy shared between us is admittedly a heartwarming one.
"What are you doing here, by the way?" she asked, after the little laughter we had, though the friendly smile never left her face.
"I just… came here. I'm not from this neighbourhood. But I suddenly had the urge to go somewhere, so I took the subway and decided to stop here."
"Wow… you just decided to come here and actually did it, at night nonetheless? I haven't heard of anyone doing something so impulsive before," she laughed in amusement.
However, I could tell that she didn't do so in a mocking manner, it was most probably for the same reason I had for laughing about her funny situation earlier.
"Well, as a local, I can't let you go home disappointed. I could take you to look around, what do you say?"
"I don't want to bother you."
"No, don't say that. Of course it's not a bother! As long as you don't mind."
I hesitated for a second. After all, I wasn't considered sociable, and I wasn't so used to being around people, and I was also afraid torturous moments like the one that just happened would recur, but considering the interaction we had after that, there probably wouldn't be much to worry about.
"In that case, please take the lead."
"Sure, please follow me!" she said, and started walking. Her mood seemed to have taken a turn; she seemed delighted, as she took light steps with a smile on her face. Maybe it was because of the fact that I had accepted her suggestion, which somehow made me a little happy as well. I caught up to her and remained next to her, as we advanced towards someplace unknown to me.
"By the way, my name is Kokichi Muta. What's yours?"
"I'm Kasumi Miwa. It's nice to meet you, Muta-kun."
Kasumi, huh. For some reason, I thought that name fit her very well, like rice and miso soup, the inseparable combination.
"Nice to meet you, too, Miwa."
The two of us were heading in a certain direction, without many words exchanged throughout. The serenity put me at ease. At times, I would steal a few glances from her, still mildly mesmerised by her blue hair, but for the most part my gaze was simply fixated on the wide river next to the road, which was flowing just as calmly as we were. If only the sky was clear, the moonlight would have complemented the scenery perfectly.
After walking about three minutes, there were finally light sources apart from the plain streetlights to be seen. These originated from different shops and stalls, decorated in a simple yet cheerful manner that would ensure the attention of passers-by. We are approaching a shopping street, a lively one at that.
"Muta-kun, have you been to a night market before?" Miwa asked.
"No, I haven't. I rarely go shopping at all."
That was inevitable for a sickly person with an undesirable body, or maybe that was only my excuse.
"Is that so? Then I think you would really enjoy this!" she expressed happily, unable to hide her excitement to show me around the place she seemed to really love.
"It looks to me like you look forward to this more than the test of courage," I remarked as we commenced strolling through the market.
"Ha ha, you can tell? I'm actually not even that interested in that test of courage, but I'm worried about my friends getting in trouble, so I felt like it was better to go with them."
"That's very considerate of you."
She chuckled shyly, "It's the least I could do."
There was a sea of people gathered here. Just like the sea containing different fishes and plants, there were different groups of people. From salarymen in suits, to students, to young girls wearing brands too expensive for their age, to sugar-dating couples, to normal couples. And they all wore different expressions on their faces.
Miwa started explaining, “The night market is open once a week. A lot of people come here for relaxation after work. It’s the one thing locals look forward to every week. It’s like a chance to relieve yourself of the stress accumulated in a week and put away your responsibilities.”
Honestly, I didn’t expect such a profound answer. I would think people only come here for the sake of having fun, especially the fun-loving type like Miwa, although that might be an insensitive inclination.
“And you? Do you have responsibilities you want to lay off?” I half-jokingly asked.
Miwa chuffed out a quiet laugh and buoyantly stated, “I think everyone has some of it? But I don’t think much about it, I’m just here to have fun.”
It seemed like a genuine answer, but a part of me couldn’t help noticing that there was a deeper layer hidden beneath her gaze for a moment, as if it’s visiting a desolate place distant from the answer she provided. I suddenly felt like a child finding out about its parents chugging alcohol to cope with hardships, though it’s true that each has their own struggles to deal with in life. I was no exception, and I was in no position to pry.
We walked past several food stalls, the items they sold looked and smelled undeniably mouth-watering. I had never had a great appetite, but I wouldn't mind stuffing myself full with the food here.
"Do you want to eat something?" Miwa turned my way and questioned. “I’m actually a bit hungry myself.”
“Sure, let’s grab something to eat before we continue."
Thus, we each bought something we wanted to eat. I got yakisoba. It was the obvious choice, but how could I fight this marvellous aroma that anyone would get drunk on? The yakisoba was skillfully prepared by the friendly stall owner who treated his customers with ardour. He seemed passionate about yakisoba.
Miwa got takoyaki, with extra octopus apparently. She shared some with me, claiming it to be the best in the world. I was one with a strict diet, so street food was often out of the question, I never really had the chance to have a taste of these. Because of that, there was not much of a comparison I could draw with previous experiences, but considering how tasty this takoyaki is, I wholly trusted Miwa's statement to be true.
This reminded me of a time I tried to make takoyaki myself when nobody was home. We didn't have those special pans for it, so I just used aluminium foil and shaped it into a tiny sphere. Absolutely unauthentic, but at the time, I thought it tasted quite decent.
We also shared some baked sweet potatoes and roasted chestnuts, which was another euphoric incident. My parents have brought home baked sweet potatoes before, but they were already on the lukewarm side. They definitely tasted superior piping hot.
The act of sharing the food and praising it together also enhanced the experience without a doubt.
“Oh, I haven’t had such great things in so long!” Miwa said, as she happily munched on her food, as if that was the last meal she would ever get to consume. Seeing her savouring it in such a delicious way somehow made the food taste even better, it even made me feel guilty for not being grateful enough about my meals in the past.
“You don’t come here weekly?” I asked.
“Ha ha, I guess I made it sound that way,” Miwa said. “But no, I’m saving up my money, so I don’t often eat out. Besides, my mom doesn’t really want me to stay out at night."
I paused, thinking if I occupied her time unjustly. "Is it okay for you to come here tonight, then? You don't have to keep me company, I don't want your mother to worry."
As soon as she heard my words, she frantically shook her head, "No, it's fine! I said I will guide you around, no? I can't go back on my words." She stopped for a few seconds, before she humbly continued, "If you don't mind, of course…"
It appeared that she really didn’t want to return home yet, perhaps a bit desperate, for some reason. Again, I didn’t question further, as I was in no place to pry into her personal life. Truthfully, before I knew it, I was relishing her company. I couldn’t imagine how worthless of a night I would have spent by myself if I didn’t bump into Miwa. Thus I simply nodded in agreement, “Sure, I will respect your decision.”
“Thank you,” she replied softly, almost like a whisper.
After finishing our food, we resumed our market trip. We passed numerous little stores that sold decorations, such as vases, scrolls, and curtains. There were also stalls that sold clothing pieces, ornaments, toys, magazines, cooking equipment, and various different goods.
"The things they sell are nothing out of the ordinary, but seeing them laid out like this kind of makes it fun to check them out," I said.
"Yeah, I get it! It makes you want to stop to look at everything."
As we talked, we neared a toy store, and Miwa was eyeing something quite intensely. "Ah, my little brother said he wanted one of these."
She was referring to the Gunpla (Gundam Plastic models). It wasn't surprising, a lot of boys loved it, and I was one of them. It was the perfect indoor activity for the likes of me, who enjoyed quietly doing things by myself. “He took interest in building Gunpla after he went to his friend’s house recently, so he has been saving up his pocket money.” She inspected the packages, and turned to me. “Muta-kun, do you know which one is good?”
Although she didn't say anything more, it was clear to me that she was going to buy a kit for her brother, so I asked, “Aren’t you going to let him save up and buy it himself?”
“Well, although I do think it’s important to make him learn to save up his money himself, it's true that his pocket money is on the low side, even compared to other kids his age…” she lowered her head and looked at the toys with a slightly disheartened smile. “I just want to spoil him a bit sometimes.”
I nodded. I didn’t have siblings, but I could somewhat understand Miwa’s sentiment. I proceeded to answer her question, “Usually I would recommend building whichever model is his favourite. But if he is a beginner, I think it would be good to start with this one.” I pointed at one of the smaller boxes, “It’s not too intricate, so it shouldn’t be that difficult. It also doesn’t require an excessive amount of tools, just some glue, nippers and a hobby knife should do.”
My eyes met with the sight of the Gunpla markers on the side, and I grabbed a pack. “And maybe markers, too.”
Miwa’s mouth was slightly agape, seemingly trying to adjust to my sudden enthusiasm of Gunpla as I let out my inner nerd and continued recommending a few other models, explaining the details of each, the beginner experience, the cautions, the fun, everything. Finally, Miwa let out an amused laughter, “I didn’t think you would be so passionate about Gunpla!”
I realised that I had been talking way too long about Gunpla, like a creep, and put Miwa through some sort of preach. I felt my face growing hot and apologised, “I’m sorry, I hope I wasn’t being weird.”
“No, not at all. Please don’t apologise! I like seeing your enthusiastic side… and it was a useful crash course," she wittily added in the last part, and turned back to the Gunpla packages. She stared at each of the models I rattled on about, and reached out for one of those. “I think he likes this one.” She picked the one I liked the best, I couldn’t help but let a small smile take over my face.
“But I can’t just give this to him without giving something to my other little brother.”
“You have two little brothers?”
“Yup,” she said, as she spotted something in the corner. “Oh, this will do!” She grabbed another box, it was larger than the Gunpla package she was holding, and flatter. It was a jigsaw puzzle of a thousand pieces. The picture printed on it was a character from a popular animation series that aired on the television weekly.
“Mechamaru?” I asked.
“Yeah, you know it?”
I gave an affirmative nod. “I’m a fan.” I was quite obsessed with robots and machines, so I naturally felt attracted to any fiction about mechs. Mechamaru was the one series I had been watching since I was a child, even before I learned about my illness. I grew especially attached to it after that bleak announcement, it was one of the few things that kept me whole.
“You know, I really think you would get along with my brothers.”
“I think so, too.”
"I've thought about it. I shouldn't spoil my little brothers too much, so I will give these to them as Christmas presents. What do you think?" she grinned with a hint of mischief, like a child coming up with a crafty plan to get around the rules.
"Sounds like a plan." I smiled back, imagining the heartwarming scene of a caring sister giving a present that was sincerely chosen to her younger brothers.
Afterwards, we stopped by a stall that primarily sold small accessories, and they all seemed to have a floral motif. Miwa commented on how this certain plum-coloured keychain would really fit her mother, debating on whether or not she should buy it. At the same time, my eyes landed on a hair tie with a pale-yellow-coloured flower attached to it. I wondered if it would look good on Miwa, this pale yellow seemed to create a perfect harmony with her baby blue hair.
"My mom is definitely not gonna be thrilled about this," Miwa smiled resignedly, with the plum-flowered keychain in her hand. We were walking away from the stall after the purchase, trying to find a place to take a rest. I tilted my head, indicating my ignorance, as a sign to have her continue talking.
"She's going to scold me like, 'don't spend your money on something like this'," Miwa said, imitating her mother's scolding tone and face.
"Then how about you save that for Christmas as well?"
Amused by my suggestion that she earlier came up with, Miwa chuckled. "That's a good one!"
We sauntered a while more, and it seemed like we were about to reach the other end of the market, as the amount of stalls were decreasing compared to the most crowded area. Here, the lights were dimmer and the air became more chilly. The fuel from the food I had eaten earlier also seemed to have burned out, causing me to quiver.
"Are you okay?" Miwa asked in a mildly concerned manner.
"I'm good," I assured, but I was betrayed by the sneeze that uncontrollably came out.
Miwa instantly took off her coat, and draped it around my shoulder. I might have slight prejudices on gender roles, but having a girl share her jacket with me made me feel a bit self-conscious. But realistically, it would've been worse if it was a guy instead. Thus, I gratefully accepted her kind gesture.
"Thank you… are you okay, though?"
She put a thumb up, and confidently said, "Yeah, don't worry about me. I'm pretty cold-resistant!"
I suddenly noticed a small store in an inconspicuous corner, but the colourful, flashing lights it emanated caught my eye. I could also faintly hear music coming from the store.
Out of curiosity, I walked closer to it, and Miwa followed. The store turned out to be a crane game arcade, another place that I never had the chance to visit.
"You want to play?" Miwa asked.
I pointed at a penguin plush toy in one of the machines and teased, "Doesn't this look like you?"
"No, it doesn't!" Miwa chortled, and sort of pretended to be offended.
"I think it's cute, though."
Miwa remained silent, probably a bit surprised by my comment. It also wasn't until later that I became aware my words contained some suggestions and could be interpreted in certain ways. I stepped into the arcade and stood in front of the machine where the penguin resided.
"Are you going to get it?" Miwa asked, referring to the penguin plush toy that I claimed she bore resemblance to.
Though the adorable penguin resembling Miwa did play a factor in the reason why I hoped to obtain it, it was also just an excuse for me to try playing a claw machine. There was an appeal to earning something as a prize, instead of directly buying it. It had awoken a childish urge in me that I simply couldn't suppress. I confirmed Miwa's question.
Luckily, one try was cheap enough, or I would have gone broke. Not that it actually mattered much, but it was still damaging in the psychological sense. Not only did I make no progress in terms of making the penguin drop out, I even flung it further to the back of the machine. The penguin's back was facing me, as if to express its disappointment in my lack of skills.
"More to the left…" Miwa stood on the left side of the machine, trying to help me position the claw. We looked like a pair of spies undergoing mission impossible. Our faces were frowned, full of focus and determination, a bit too serious perhaps. At some point, Miwa even walked over to the back of the machine and closely inspected the claw, knowing it wouldn't do much.
After a few more tries, I kind of grasped the idea of where to position the claw, when to tighten it, what part is supposed to be clawed and how to make sure it swung the right way. This was no mere game, it transcended even art and science…
Finally, after countless tries, we managed to make the penguin drop into the hole. I looked at it with a defeated smile, thinking that it would likely have been cheaper to directly buy the penguin. I figured I should think of the extra investment as paying for the act of gaining it.
When we walked out of the arcade, both tired yet content, I handed the penguin plush toy to Miwa, "You can have it."
"Huh, you don't want it?" Miwa asked. She seemed bewildered by the fact that I spent so much on something I didn't even want to keep.
"I actually want you to have it. Think of it as thanks for accompanying me today," I said. "Besides, the penguin looks like you, after all."
"Fine!" Miwa responded, playfully feigning annoyance. This time, however, she didn't try to deny my statement, and seemed genuinely happy to have received a gift. She had a warm smile plastered on her face, as she looked at the penguin in her arms with loving eyes. "Thank you, Muta-kun."
We sat down on a bench in a park after getting a hot drink from a nearby vending machine. The can made a popping sound when I opened the lid. I held my drink close to my face, the steam that came out flowed up, warming my cheeks that were assaulted by the frigid wind. My hands that were cupping the can slowly heated up as well. I blew the drink a few times before I took a sip. The liquid poured down my throat, all the way to my stomach, which created a comfortable hotness in my body.
The moon was still hidden behind the clouds, shy to show itself. Some muffled moonlight was perceivable, but the place was illuminated by the streetlights for the most part. When I stared up, I saw dozens of minuscule flies gathered directly under the lamp. Then I looked over at Miwa, it was true that she didn't seem too bothered by the cold.
"A hot can of royal milk tea is the best after such a long day!" Miwa dreamily said. I looked at my can of black coffee, probably not the best thing to drink at night, but it provided particular cosiness. I lazily took another sip of the coffee. Ironically, I started becoming sleepy.
“Are you tired?” Miwa asked.
“A little bit,” I answered.
“You can lean on my shoulder if you want.”
I didn’t expect her to say that, and I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. I glanced at her, a bit unbelievably, and mumbled ‘I’m good’.
Miwa laughed at my honesty, I guessed she was teasing me. In return, I dubiously squinted my eyes.
It was unclear how long we had been sitting there, I didn’t keep track of the time, but after a while, Miwa’s phone started ringing. She fished her phone out of her pocket and glared at her screen with a worried look. She then turned my way and smiled apologetically, “Just a minute.”
I nodded with understanding, before she stepped out of the park. I managed to catch a glimpse of the name on her screen display, and it said ‘Dad’.
Considering the quietness of the night, I could vaguely hear her voice when she talked on the phone. I couldn’t make out the content of their conversation, but I somewhat apprehended distress in Miwa’s voice. I stared up again to look at the moon, its shape still blurry behind the clouds. I sensed the comfort of the still night, along with slowly disappearing warmth in my hands, as I hoped that everything was fine on Miwa’s end. Then, I heard a loud yell, sharply contrasting the environment.
“You were the one who left us!”
The birds on the tree above my head, that weren’t visible due to the darkness, were startled by the unanticipated outburst of sound and abruptly flew away. I leaned forward a little, trying to focus. I felt bad to eavesdrop, but it didn't sound like a normal conversation between a father and a daughter.
"You were the one who left us!" Miwa repeated. "You were the one who abandoned your responsibilities! You were the one who threw us into hell!"
There was a moment of silence, before Miwa cried out her final message, "Now feed your family yourself! Don't ever call me again!"
I didn't hear any sound coming from her for a while, not even the footsteps of her returning. Out of concern, I put down my drink and ran to her location. Turning the corner, I saw the girl sitting on her haunches, her arms were tightly hugging her legs, and her face was buried between her knees. I could feel my heart dropping at this scene. I slowly approached her slowly and carefully, as if to not frighten a vulnerable creature.
I leaned down and tapped on her shoulder lightly. My palm caught a few shocks; Miwa was shaking. “Come, let’s sit down first,” I tenderly said. I tried to escort her back to the bench, supporting her by her shoulders, and she weakly complied. As we walked back, I could see her cheek glistening from the teardrops, and her eyes were somberly downcast. I instinctively rubbed her back, in hopes that would soothe her emotions.
Miwa wordlessly settled down on the bench for several minutes with her face buried in her hands, trying to regain her composure. I could only wait patiently, before asking her, “What happened?” It could’ve been something very personal, which wasn’t the kind of thing to share with someone she just met, so, to indicate my question to be a matter of choice, I added, “Only if you feel comfortable enough to talk about it.”
She waited a few more seconds, like she was trying to gather up the courage to talk about the grave matter, and started, with a wavering voice, “It was my dad…”
Miwa’s father left the family soon after her youngest brother was born, for another woman. Her mother was left with their shared house, and some savings, which was all she had to feed three children; it was nowhere near enough. As a result, she had to take two part-time jobs on top of her full-time one. Out of pent-up stress, and the pain of her husband having left home, she ultimately developed depression.
Miwa, who wanted her mother to have it easier, started working in a convenience store. Like a lot of other high schools, working as a student was against the regulations of the school Miwa attended. Thus, she chose the convenience store that was the farthest away from her school, yet still within reasonable reach, and worked there everyday after school.
“My mom also wants me to focus on my studies, and not to worry about our situation…” Miwa continued. “But I don’t want to be a burden to her, I don’t want her to push herself too hard. We end up fighting about this stuff a lot, it's suffocating.”
Miwa hoped to save enough to pay for her own university's tuition, so the money her mother earned could be used on her brothers in the future. Her independence was blatant, and she learned it the hard way.
"It has been getting better recently, both our financial situation and my mom's health, but…"
The reason that Miwa's father called today, which had already happened a few times in the past, was to demand money from her. His own daughter that he abandoned years ago.
"He left us here suffering to start his own new family," Miwa said. There was some clear shaking in her voice. "And now he comes back just to get money to feed them!"
"What's worse is that every time I agree to let him 'borrow'. I'm really stupid." She softened her voice, and stated in an ashamed manner. "I really don't have more that I can give him though."
Miwa took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut tightly, she wore a tired expression on her face. I had been listening to her throughout her entire explanation. Out of respect, I didn't interrupt her, but it seemed like she was finished. I cleared my throat and asked, "If you don't mind me asking; why did you let him have his way the times before this?"
It took her a bit of time to think of an answer, she eventually said, "I'm scared that he will find my mom if I refuse. It's still fine if he gets mine, but I won't let him get his hands on my mom's hard-earned money." While it was clear that this sentiment was genuine, she still seemed a bit hesitant about it. In the end, she admitted, "And I guess a part of me still thinks of him as a father…"
I tried to think of a way to deliver my words. It was a bit invasive, but I believed it was something that needed to be said. "Miwa, I'm sure you already know this, but you are the one enabling him."
I heard no sound from Miwa, but I didn't dare to look her way. I didn't want to see her face full of self-blame. Staring in front of me, I continued, "I understand your concern, but what he wants is money, and if he can't get it, he will not go elsewhere. He keeps finding you because he knows you can't say no to him."
"...Which is different now," I added. "No matter how many times he comes back, you need to stand your ground, until he doesn't come back anymore. And what comes after is a matter for another time, but right now, you have to stop this cycle first."
I was the analytical type. It didn't mean I possess zero sympathy, it just meant I tend to find solutions before consolations, which weren't always what people preferred hearing. Miwa was already aware of how to tackle the problem, she just didn't have the resolve to do it. I finally took a glimpse at my side, at Miwa, and she gently nodded at my words. It seemed like she didn't take it the bad way.
"I think I just needed someone to say that to my face. Thank you, Muta-kun." Miwa's lips curled up slightly, trying to get it together.
"Muta-kun… do you think I'm too weak?"
"Why?"
"You know, I wanted to help my mom out but end up creating more problems, and I make her worry about me all the time," she sorrowfully spoke about her ordeal again, this time with more emphasis on her remorse. "I keep letting my dad have his way, and I still can't let go of him. I can't help dwelling on the past, on the image of my father who I held dear, even though he is the person who hurt my family the most. And…"
"Miwa," I quickly interrupted to keep her from naming more points to blame herself for. "I think you are a considerate friend who joins her friends in an activity she isn't interested in, completely out of concern. I think you are a doting sister who carefully chooses a present for her two younger brothers with sincere kindness, despite dealing with financial hardships."
"I think you are a charming girl who smiles brighter than anyone else I've ever met," I finally said. "Miwa, you are a strong person."
At that moment, her eyes dampened again, and she let out the sniffles that she had been holding in, but it wasn't because she felt down. As I witnessed her mood slightly turning upwards, an idea flashed through my mind.
I pulled out an item from my pocket, and handed it to Miwa. It was the hair tie I saw earlier at the stall. She gazed at the accessory in my hand, then back at me, confused by my gesture.
She slowly took the gift from my hand, and quietly examined it, like she was studying a treasure.
"I don't know flower language, so I have no idea what this flower entails. I just thought it'd look good on you," I confessed. "But if I could give it a meaning, I want this to give you the strength to keep on being the great person you are."
"And to remind you that, if today is the worst day of your life, tomorrow will always be better."
Miwa didn't stop crying, but I could tell she was delighted, as she put on her signature smile that would cheer up anyone. "Thank you," she whispered.
After wiping away her tears, she delicately took the hair tie out of its packaging and inspected it again, telling me that she loved it. Then, she used it to tie her hair into a high ponytail. Like I expected, it was a perfect match, the joining of those soft colours were pleasant to the eye.
"Does it look good on me?" Miwa asked.
I smiled at her, "You look gorgeous."
The light in our surroundings wasn't very strong, but I saw her ear growing red. The sight made me feel butterflies in my stomach. It was a strong emotion I had never had before, and it was oddly pleasing.
"I feel a bit tired… Can I lean on your shoulder?" Miwa asked.
"Of course," I said.
Silence had returned between us, the buzzing of insects in the area became more clear. It felt nice and peaceful.
"You feel so easy to talk to, Muta-kun," Miwa started. "I actually haven't told anyone about my dad. I mean, who wants to tell others that your dad left your family to start another?" She let out a deprecatory laugh.
"But for some reason, I felt safe and comfortable telling you…"
I took in her words, and processed them deeply. "I actually don't have any friends," I disclosed, beginning my speech. "It was because I made no effort to befriend anyone. But at the same time, no one made the effort to approach me, either. I guess I'm just hard to get along with."
I held more firmly onto my can, which was already empty with realising it. "I didn't know I've missed so much in life, until I met you. It was a meaningful experience to me."
Wholeheartedly, I said, "So thank you, Miwa."
Miwa hummed out of pleasure, or relief. "Can you tell me more about you, too?" She asked.
It could've been my imagination, but hearing that made me feel that our bond had unconsciously grown exponentially, so had my fondness of Miwa. I laughed sheepishly, "I don't have many stories to share."
This time taking another route, we had gone back to the spot where we had our first encounter. Staying out longer would border on discourteousness, it was about time we parted ways. The sky had been clearing up, unbeknownst to me. I looked up to find the moon, its shape now well-defined. The moonlight that shone down was reflected by the surface of the river, creating a dreamlike setting.
It was as if the sky cleared after the rain, which wasn't exactly an inaccurate description.
"Wow, the moon is beautiful tonight!" Miwa said.
I expressed my agreement, and took a quick glance at Miwa, who was admiring the moon in tranquillity. The moon was indeed beautiful, but the view of a greater beauty was right next to me. It kind of made me feel like, instead of chasing the impossible, I should appreciate what is already there. I couldn't possibly tell her that, though. I blushed at my unfitting thoughts, and looked back at the scenery in front of us.
This really felt like the finish line. Neither of us made a move, or a sound, just waiting for the other to suggest ending the night. In the end, I was the first to break the ice. "I had a great night. Thank you, Miwa."
"I should be the one to thank you! It was really fun, and it was nice to let off some steam," Miwa chuckled, as she scratched her cheek. I took off the coat I borrowed from her, and as I was about to hand it back to its owner, Miwa said, "You can keep it for now. It's cold, isn't it? You can give it back to me next time."
I wasn't sure how to react. She skillfully made it my mission to meet her again without outrightly saying it. It was difficult to agree, I didn't want to make promises that I couldn't take responsibility for. I couldn't guarantee that I was going to see her again. I swallowed deeply, wishing for that to wash away my remorse.
Ultimately, I solemnly nodded. I didn't want to lie, but it wasn't possible to predict the future. There might just be this one slim chance that I might survive a lot longer than I thought, that I existed in a world where I'm actually allowed to continue living, that I could, one day, meet this caring girl again.
"Besides, I won't be able to identify you otherwise," Miwa cheekily added.
"Usually, you are supposed to remember the face of the person you meet up with."
We shared our laughter at the conversation, just like the earlier moment we did at the same spot. The only difference was that we had become a lot closer in the meantime. "Then don't forget about the penguin, and the hair tie. I also need those to identify you."
"Ha ha! Of course!"
After a lot of friction, we finally managed to part ways. Luckily, I caught this line's last subway of the day, and I stepped onto it. Unsurprisingly, it was very quiet, I didn't spot another person in this empty, hollow car. It was only when I looked further into other cars that I could detect a few other people.
In the end, Miwa and I didn't exchange contact information. Or rather, I refused to. I probably came off as disinterested in keeping in contact with her, but I would have hated more to have her anticipate my replies, only to never receive them. I made up one proposal for an excuse, and told her that I wanted to let fate decide when to let us reunite. Who knows, if miracles existed, it might actually happen.
I took the outermost seat of the row, and leaned against the sturdy glass next to it. It was a tiring day, and it demanded a lot more energy than I expected. I closed my eyes, letting the fatigue sink in, as I reminisced the merry moments that occurred tonight. The strength in my arms disappeared, but I still used the small amount of force I had left to hold onto the coat. This way, I would stay warm.
The image of Kasumi Miwa flashed through my mind one last time. With all my heart, I prayed that miracles really did exist, before I fell into slumber.