Work Text:
The Daily Prophet Human & Non-Human Resources Department
Hiring Interview Record
Date: Monday 19th January
Interviewee: Luna Lovegood
Interviewer: Barnabus Cuffe
Notes: Candidate has a previous background in “journalism” (Quibbler); expressed a desire to pursue journalism outside her family’s newspaper (reasonable). Candidate has strong knowledge of magical creatures and herbology, could be useful for our Magizoology and Natural Resources segment. Writing assignment was completed with some flair; interesting take on the topic; may need reigning in for future work. Has some name recognition from Quibbler and actions during the war, could bring additional readership to Prophet.
Recommendation: Hire
Owl Dispatch
Date: Tuesday 16th March
From: Rita Skeeter, The Daily Prophet, London
To: Barnabus Cuffe, The Daily Prophet, London
Barney,
Lovegood’s got her head in the clouds. Why would you hire her? She shadowed me when I interviewed the Weird Sisters and kept asking them whether they found Wrackspurts helped with their inspiration. Their bassist and lute player are rumoured to be in a throuple with Celestina Warbeck and she wanted to talk about bloody Wrackspurts? How do you expect me to report in these conditions?
Rita Skeeter
Senior Correspondent, The Daily Prophet
***
Rita,
Oh no! If only I had experienced reporters on staff who could take the juniors under their wing, teach them the ropes and act like Senior Correspondents.
Do you know anyone?
Barney
***
Barney,
Ugh. Fine. But if this keeps happening, I’m coming back to you.
Rita
The Daily Prophet Human & Non-Human Resources Department
Disciplinary Meeting Record
Date: Wednesday 21st April
Employee: Luna Lovegood
Manager: Barnabus Cuffe
Lovegood has a flair with words and a loyal readership, but struggles to stick to the approved topic of articles. Has ignored repeated advice from managers and colleagues about more carefully choosing subject matter and covering relevant information. Recent situation where Lovegood was sent to urgently cover Quidditch National team selection (due to staff shortage in Sports) and article was mainly about different shapes of blades of grass. Article went to press at great embarrassment to Prophet.
Employee comment: “The readers won’t know what’s important until they hear it. We saw this at the Quibbler with the Stubby Boardman stories.”
Action: Formal warning issued; Lovegood advised to demonstrate focus in next few articles or face further disciplinary action.
The Daily Prophet Human & Non-Human Resources Department
Disciplinary Meeting Record
Date: Monday 3rd May
Employee: Rita Skeeter
Manager: Barnabus Cuffe
Skeeter readership is declining post-war due to sentiment that her take on subjects is “abrasive”, “not in the spirit of unity” and “sowing discord”. Numbers are steadily dropping and Skeeter has not managed to pitch compelling stories to overcome this problem. Skeeter has also made some unfortunate enemies during career. Was recently evicted from Granger charity launch by H. Granger herself which was unfortunately photographed and published in Witch Weekly at great embarrassment to Prophet.
Employee comment: “I’m telling you, Barney, the public wants drama, none of this cuddly bullshit.”
Action: Formal warning issued; Skeeter to work on new, friendlier image and build bridges with important up-and-coming political figures or face further disciplinary action.
The Daily Prophet Human & Non-Human Resources Department
Disciplinary Meeting Record
Date: Tuesday 1st June
Employee: Luna Lovegood, Rita Skeeter
Manager: Barnabus Cuffe
Taking highly unusual step of disciplining two employees simultaneously. Both struggling to enact feedback from previous disciplinary meetings. Typically would ask them to pair with more reliable colleagues for shadowing but both Thomas and Bones are covering the Wizengamot trials this week.
Putting Lovegood and Skeeter on the Parkinson-Longbottom wedding for next two weeks. Exclusive interviews with bride and groom; unusual herbological imports for wedding; possibly last Sacred Twenty-Eight wedding of this generation. This is a politically important story for the Prophet.
Lovegood and Skeeter required to submit a relevant and respectful story authored by both by 10 p.m. Saturday 13th June or face dismissal. I am available to provide feedback on story pitches.
The Daily Prophet Editor's Desk
Story Pitch
Date: Tuesday 1st June
Title: The Snake and the Snake-Slayer
Byline: Rita Skeeter & Luna Lovegood
Proposed Story: Parkinson-Longbottom Wedding: How would Longbottom ever fall for a Slytherin? And how do Parkinson’s parents feel about their only daughter marrying a boy described by his classmates as “laughable”? A revealing tell-all from those closest to the couple as the Prophet dares to ask the question “Just... why?”
Pitch Status: REJECTED
Reviewer: Barnabus Cuffe
Feedback: I said to find the human in the story. Did your time as an Animagus make you forget what that means?
The Daily Prophet Editor's Desk
Story Pitch
Date: Tuesday 1st June
Title: Love Is In the Air — But So Are Plimpies
Byline: Luna Lovegood & Rita Skeeter
Proposed Story: Parkinson-Longbottom Wedding: We talk to the happy couple and their nearest and dearest and figure out whether the flora imported by Neville for Pansy’s bouquet will help get rid of Gulping Plimpies. I’ve also secured an exclusive interview for the Prophet with Neville’s grandmother’s third cousin’s nephew.
Pitch Status: REJECTED
Reviewer: Barnabus Cuffe
Feedback: Do you two think I can’t tell when a pitch is clearly just coming from one of you? WORK TOGETHER. I’d offer to help but I don’t have much time left for editorial work now that my role appears to be managing kindergarteners.
The Daily Prophet Archive
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM interviewed at LONGBOTTOM HOUSE by LUNA LOVEGOOD and RITA SKEETER, transcribed with Quality Quotation Quill
Date: Thursday 3rd June
LUNA: Neville, it’s so kind of you to host us.
NEVILLE: Not a problem, it’s, er, nice to have you. Both.
LUNA: So what events led to you and Pansy realising that your auras are incredibly complementary?
NEVILLE: Er — we were in the same Herbology and Potions lessons for our NEWTs and ended up working on a few projects together. She’s much better than I am at Potions and I tried to make up for it in Herbology. We kept in touch after Hogwarts and I eventually asked her to go out for a drink.
LUNA: And how did you propose lifelong magical bonding?
NEVILLE: She actually beat me to it. I had the ring in my sock drawer but she snuck a ring onto a limb of the Venomous Tentacula and somehow convinced it to pass it on to me. She’s a special woman.
RITA: Do you have any advice for readers on overcoming seemingly irreconcilable differences?
NEVILLE: Er, sorry, what do you mean?
RITA: During the Battle of Hogwarts, your fiancée suggested handing over the Boy Who Lived to You-Know-Who. Given your own role in that battle, that must be… challenging.
PAUSE
NEVILLE: I believe at the time you were calling Harry Undesirable Number One. I’m sure that you, of all people, can empathise with the difficult position everyone was in.
PAUSE
LUNA: Neville, tell us more about the Blubbering Mosquitos that will be featured in your ceremony.
NEVILLE: Of course, yeah. If you two come over here, I can actually show you [grunt] — here. In these jars you’ll see five different species. Now, if you look at them bumping against the glass, the wings here are very interesting, they light up in certain conditions. We’re incredibly lucky for the time of year — during our ceremony, guests will see —
LUNA: Rita, are you all right? You look very pale.
RITA: Fine. Please continue, Mr Longbottom.
LUNA: Neville, could we perhaps continue the interview in another room?
NEVILLE: Uh, yeah, sure. Let’s go to the greenhouse, I can show you the Thrice-Blooming Shrubbery. Now, this flower was thought to be nearly extinct, but I started trying to grow them after Pans said she liked them. I’m proud to say that in certain parts of Scotland, it’s now considered a weed.
Owl Dispatch
Date: Thursday 3rd June
From: Rita Skeeter
To: Luna Lovegood
Lovegood,
I was fine
You didn’t have to
Thank you, I suppose, for relocating the interview today. It was a thoughtful gesture.
Please do not feel the need to request further accommodations on my behalf in future. As you are well aware, the jar actions of Ms Granger were caused by my own misjudged behaviour. I do not require mollycoddling.
Rita Skeeter
Senior Correspondent, Daily Prophet
***
Dear Rita,
Oh, it was no trouble!
You were rather rude to Hermione. Did you know that she received poisonous mail for weeks? She was fifteen. I hope you gave her an apology.
That doesn’t mean you need to be near things that make you uncomfortable, especially when it’s easy to avoid.
Luna
***
Lovegood,
Our entire prison system is based on precisely that, so do forgive me for a little scepticism.
Regardless, your action was unnecessary, but I have expressed my gratitude, so it needn’t be discussed again.
Rita Skeeter
Senior Correspondent, Daily Prophet
***
Dear Rita,
Of course, our prison system shouldn’t work like that! I actually wrote an article about it for the Quibbler. I don’t think the Ministry ever did anything about it, though. Perhaps they missed that week’s edition.
I will respect your wishes and not ask for any help for you in future. Please let me know at any time if you would like that to change.
Luna
The Daily Prophet Archive
Access Request
Date: Friday 4th June
Employee: Rita Skeeter
Resource requested: The Ministry Should Replace Azkaban’s Dementors With Their Army of Heliopaths, L. Lovegood, The Quibbler, September 1998
Owl Dispatch
Date: Monday 7th June
From: Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet, London
To: Hermione Granger, Ministry of Magic, London
Dear Miss Granger,
It has come to my attention that I owe you a sincere and meaningful apology for my previous coverage of you, particularly during your youth.
I must admit that you were right to eject me from your event last month, despite the embarrassment that it may have caused. I am currently working on improving the trustworthiness of my reporting.
I hesitate to ask you for a favour whilst also apologising but I know you are fond of getting to the point. I am working on an article with Miss Lovegood about the fate of the Azkaban Dementors. Any comment you can provide from your department would be most welcome.
With sincere contrition,
Rita Skeeter
Senior Correspondent, Daily Prophet
***
Rita,
Apology not accepted.
However, your story pitch about Dementors does sound like it has some overlap with our Azkaban Reform Bill, so I suppose a short interview to help your coverage would be acceptable.
Come to my office 11 a.m. Wednesday, please find Ministry pass enclosed.
No Quick Quotes, and I’ll need to review the article before publication.
Hermione Granger
Deputy Head, Department for Magical Creature Legislation
The Daily Prophet Archive
PANSY PARKINSON and DAPHNE GREENGRASS interviewed at PARKINSON ESTATE by LUNA LOVEGOOD and RITA SKEETER, transcribed with Quality Quotations Quill
Date: Tuesday 8th June
RITA: Thank you for hosting us, Miss Parkinson.
PANSY: Please, call me Pansy.
RITA: Pansy. And who are you with today?
PANSY: My maid of honour, Daphne.
DAPHNE: Hello.
RITA: Let’s dive straight in. Rumour has it that as the official union of two of the oldest pureblood families in the Sacred Twenty-Eight, this wedding is set to be one of the most expensive wizarding weddings of the decade. Some have called this celebration a frivolous waste of time. What do you have to say to those people?
PANSY: Absolutely nothing.
RITA: Marvellous. What are you most excited about in your marriage to Mr Longbottom?
PANSY: I’m going to climb him like one of those exceedingly rare trees he’s always on about. The man is hung like a —
LOUD COUGHING
LUNA: So, Pansy, speaking of exceedingly rare trees, Neville told us about the unusual plants that will be featured at your wedding.
PANSY: Yes, well. Before we started dating, I may have mentioned that I liked a certain flower, and Nev rather took it to heart. He’s rather considerate.
LUNA: Now, I’ve heard your bouquet will contain Chatterbox Foxgloves. Is this due to their use in preventing the effects of Gulping Plimpies, or —
DAPHNE: Oh, not this crap again.
PANSY: Daph, it’s fine. Erm, not especially — the Foxgloves were —
DAPHNE: I’m not surprised you’re still writing rubbish, Luna. You can pretend to be a real reporter now you’re at the Prophet but you wouldn’t know the real world if it hit you in the face.
RITA: Miss Lovegood is a valued reporter at the Prophet. But I’d understand if you didn’t know that, Miss Greengrass, our editions do contain quite a lot of difficult words.
DAPHNE: This whole thing is beneath you, Pansy —
PANSY: Daph, leave it, just wait outside —
SCUFFLING NOISES, MUFFLED VOICES, THEN A DOOR SLAM
RITA: That was rather rude. Does Miss Greengrass have something against you?
LUNA: Oh, yes. Daphne is probably still upset about our breakup.
RITA: Ah, you — dated?
LUNA: Yes, we did, last year. Thank you for defending me. You know, Barnabus agrees with her.
RITA: Barney is upset about your breakup?
LUNA: No, about my writing.
RITA: I like your writing.
LUNA: Did you know your quill shrivels up when you lie?
RITA: No it doesn’t.
LUNA: Look, there it goes again! You can come out now, little fellow.
DOOR OPENING
PANSY: I’m so sorry, Luna, I should have thought about Daphne. She really has been very supportive about this wedding but she is still so hung up on you, I should have thought about it, whenever she’s drunk she just goes on and on about your tongue —
LOUD COUGHING
[INTERVIEW NOTES PARTIALLY REDACTED FOR WORKPLACE PROPRIETY]
PANSY: Now, where were we?
RITA: Thank you, Miss Parkinson. My colleague had just asked you a very important question about Gallop — Glooping Pimples —
LUNA: Gulping Plimpies.
RITA: Precisely.
Rita's Notebook, Tuesday 8th June
Thrice-Blooming Shrubbery flowers -> see if can get quote from Pomona Sprout?
Parkinson expressed desire to climb husband lick like a tree -> talk about young love, honeymoon period? Maybe we can do a follow-up interview next mouth MONTH
Proposal -> Venomous Tentacula sweet merlin
I NEED TO KNOW WHAT SHE DOES WITH HER TONGUE
Owl Dispatch
Date: Tuesday 8th June
From: Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet, London
To: Barnabus Cuffe, Daily Prophet, London
Barney,
Have to leave early today, personal emergency, apologies.
Rita
Owl Dispatch
Date: Thursday 10th June
From: Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet, London
To: Luna Lovegood, Daily Prophet, London
Lovegood,
Your earlier comment about our prison system struck a chord with me and I have taken the liberty of rewriting your previous Quibbler article on Dementors.
Your argument and conclusions about Azkaban remain, but I replaced the section on heliopaths with interviews from Ministry legislators. I’ve also scheduled an interview with a previous inmate for a first-hand account, which I believe will strengthen your argument.
Please let me know your thoughts. If you are amenable to the updates I propose we pitch it to Barney with a double byline.
Rita
***
Dear Rita,
That’s an excellent idea! I do like the new sections. It’s a shame about the heliopaths, but I will trust your experience.
I’m finding the Prophet office very loud today with all the Wizengamot trial coverage. I’m going to find a table at the Tickled Troll to work from and write up the interview notes. Please feel free to join me if you wish.
Luna
***
Dear Luna,
Attractive blonde, Rita Skeeter, forty-nine, whose heaving bosom can barely be contained in the green silk of her fitted robes, would be positively euphoric to share your company for the day.
Rita Skeeter
Extensively Experienced Feather Enthusiast, Daily Prophet
***
Lovegood,
Please ignore my previous owl. I accidentally used my Quick Quotes Quill. Unless
I would be delighted to join you and will see you at the Tickled Troll shortly.
Yours professionally,
Rita Skeeter
Senior Correspondent, Daily Prophet
***
Dear Rita,
I will disregard your missive as requested. It’s quite a shame, as I too am a feather enthusiast in many ways, but I respect your wish to avoid any professional misunderstandings and will never mention it again.
I have found us a table at the Tickled Troll and ordered your usual coffee.
See you soon, colleague!
Luna
Magnolia Parkinson and Augusta Longbottom
request the honour of your presence at the wedding of
Pansy Parkinson
to
Neville Longbottom
on Saturday 12th June, 2 p.m. at the Parkinson Estate, Wiltshire
Reception to follow at Blossom Hall Hotel, Wiltshire
The Daily Prophet Editor's Desk
Story Submission
Date: Saturday 12th June
Title: Growing Together
Byline: Rita Skeeter & Luna Lovegood
Blurb: Inside the Parkinson-Longbottom wedding. The happy couple talk about growing plants, growing up and growing old together. Read further for photographs of the day, exclusive interviews and a full list of the conservation projects funded by the pair.
Story Status: ACCEPTED
Reviewer: Barnabus Cuffe
Feedback: Isn’t it incredible how sticking to what you’ve been asked to do can actually work?
The Daily Prophet Editor's Desk
Story Submission
Date: Saturday 12th June
Title: Expecto Reformum: Why are Dementors still stationed at Azkaban?
Byline: Luna Lovegood & Rita Skeeter
Blurb: These Dark creatures, known to have joined forces with You-Know-Who during the Second Wizarding War, continue to be used as prison guards. But how can we expect rehabilitation from inmates forced to constantly revisit their worst selves? The Daily Prophet supports the proposed Azkaban Reform Bill. Read further for an in-depth analysis of the bill and details of how to contact your Wizengamot representative.
Story Status: ACCEPTED
Reviewer: Barnabus Cuffe
Feedback: Literally no one asked you for this, but I guess it has some merit. It’s not going in the weekend edition, though. I’ll run it on Tuesday — let’s catch up then. Good work this week, the pair of you.
Owl Dispatch - URGENT
Date: Saturday 12th June
From: Reception Desk, Blossom Hall Hotel, Wiltshire
To: Bursar’s Office, The Daily Prophet, London
To whom it may concern,
The Daily Prophet’s reservation for this evening was for one room with a double bed, but there are two guests here for this reservation, one of whom is very insistent that a second room be covered (the other guest is humming and waving her arms around in our lobby).
Does the Prophet agree to cover an additional room for the night, the cost of which can be found in the attached invoice, etc., etc.
Please advise as soon as possible.
Kind regards,
Edwin Hayworth
Night Concierge
***
To whom it may concern,
I would like to emphasise the urgency of my previous message. Both guests are intimidating our bar staff in vastly different ways, and are now in a heated discussion about sleeping arrangements that we are concerned may turn to violence and/or hypnosis.
Kind regards,
Edwin Hayworth
Night Concierge
***
To whom it may concern,
Please disregard previous owls. I have been informed by the two guests that the current arrangement is acceptable and no further cost will be incurred by the Prophet.
Kind regards,
Edwin Hayworth
Night Concierge