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“You know I can’t do it, not now; you don’t want to blind yourself; you don’t want to die; what you want is a reason to not do those things, so - you come to me. Well, you’re welcome. B-because I can’t follow you on this one.”
The words take only seconds to be said but they echo like eternity: repeating again and again in a weird one second loop that lasts forever inside Jon’s mind. And the sad thing is that Martin is right, of course he is, Jon doesn’t want to die, is terrified of it to the point of selling his humanity to a fear based evil entity for the chance of living a little longer (and he still doesn’t know if he regrets it or if he only regrets the fact he doesn’t) and he doesn’t want to blind himself either. But maybe… maybe if he wanted it… well it wouldn’t really work, it wouldn’t be enough. It makes sense, too much sense, that the final act needs to be a sacrifice, a deep final loss
One he won’t do.
Because he wasn’t lying when he said he wouldn’t do it alone. He was too selfish, too much of a coward to finish it all, to end up blind, knowledgeless and still as terrified and alone as he is now. Because once again he needs an anchor, but this time bits of himself aren't enough (if they ever were) and cassette tapes don’t really fit, no none of these things would keep him grounded, bring him back, he needs something deeper, something more… he needs Martin. He needs to have Martin with him: to guide him back, to just be there and hold his hand and by his sheer presence show that things can be somewhat okay after everything. He needs Martin. But Martin won’t, can’t follow him. Martin won’t be here. Martin won’t be here, Martin… wait.
The voice in his mind is small but persistent, fighting against the knowledge of everything and most times it would just die anyway but he has just tried to go for the tapes the Eye wanted to hide, he can ignore its wishes a second time. Wait. The voice says louder, his head troubling with the weight of every little thing. Martin won’t follow him, can’t blind himself and leave it but that doesn’t mean Martin won’t be there. It actually might be the thing that makes Martin be there. He was there for the coma and was there in the coffin ready to bring Jon back to life, he might be there again… in the hospital, after all is done. He would be there! Wouldn’t he? Jonathan Sims hoped and dreaded to know, to have Martin holding his hand and guiding him through the darkness. He couldn’t Know that Martin would be there. So he asked. No compulsion, just an honest scared question.
“I see…” No. The small voice inside him is bigger, stronger now. You have to ask. “Martin, I understand you can’t do this, it shouldn’t be your choice and I’m sorry for asking. But even if you can’t go with me… if… If I… If I still did it… If I still do it… would you stay with me? Just be there a little bit. Not in any specific way, not doing anything at all if you don’t want to just… would I… would I be a-alone?” Don’t let me be alone. He doesn’t ask. It wouldn't be fair, not when he is at least part of the reason Martin is so Lonely now, fading slowly. Martin, sweet Martin, understands it anyway.
“Oh Jon.” He says and it’s full of worry and sadness and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of longing. Jonathan’s heart aches. “You won’t.” Is said as a final sentence. A prayer. A command.
“But if I did?” He tries. Begs.
“You won’t.” It 's final. Is everything. Somewhere the Eye beams. Jon has never felt more Seen, more Lonely.
“The Lonely really got you.” Jon says almost defeated, it sounds scripted.
“I think it always did.” The answer is sad and painfully honest but also a bit relieved.
A reply plays in Jon’s tongue. One full of regret and guilt and longing, instead all he can truly think is how Martin never truly said no. And Jon doesn’t Know if Martin will be there, but he knows and it has to be enough.
“I’ll see you when you’re ready.” He says instead and he feels giddy, finds it funny in the most maniac of ways, because if he keeps going he won’t see anything ever again. “Just don’t wait too long.” He doesn’t say that he doesn’t think he can keep going if Martin does. Instead he runs. The Beholder screams as he lets the little voice and the growing maniac bust of energy it bought overtake him. It’ll all be over soon,
Finally alone in an empty room, Martin feels for the first time in a long time.