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To say soulmates exist would be like denying that of one’s ownership over who they are. The idea that love is a planned out path that is unconsciously followed, jumping through obstacles as if you ever had a choice in who your heart calls too. People will shout out loud about how it was ‘love at first sight’ and ‘I knew it was meant to be!’ In reality, it was merely a stage play, and they were the actor reading the script. Love is an odd thing, you could have most fiery burning hatred for someone..yet run to them to second things go wrong for comfort. You could not talk to somebody for years and then come back as if nothing has changed. Plantonic, romantic, familial or partners—whatever it was; love flourishes around any person it touches. Whether wanted or not. Sometimes, it felt as if though a weight was pressed down on a heart, crushing it too the ground and leaving the person unable to move on. Love was different for people, some people enjoyed it, whilst others wished to never experience it once again.
Kai Smith couldn’t recall when, but the first time he laid his eyes on a boy he wanted to run away and jump into a river. Leave himself to drown away those unwanted thoughts. He was around fourteen at the time, taking Nya out to the village’s market for something to eat when he set his gaze on the most beautiful person he’s ever met. The title, though begrudgingly, still standing to the present day. He had no name, for Kai was to terrified to ask, but the nameless boy stood there as though the world would stop if he merely whispered a plea. Absolutely gorgeous dark hair cut short, bangs fixed so sharp hazel eyes could guide him. Though, at the time, Kai thinks the deities above wouldn’t ever let anything bad happen to this stranger, he looked as though he was fallen from their kind. Someone to be worshipped. Then Nya had tugged on his sleeve, whining about how she’s bored, and the boy finally caught himself into reality, and disgust shot over him like a harsh wave filling his lungs.
For nights after that, Kai Smith laid sleepless under the covers. His hands dancing over Nya’s head, playing with her hair with her peaceful snores contrasting heavily with the loud ponding thoughts in the boy’s head. It wasn’t normal, he told himself. He shouldn’t look at a boy like that, he should have his eyes sewed shut for ever grazing over the nameless boy’s lips the way he did. The way his heart sped up at the way that hazel stare was so fixated on the items the boy had been buying, the other could only wish it be him who was being looked at with such care, grace, and love. It was foolish, a man’s mistake to find himself so enthralled with another of the same gender. It wasn’t right, he reminded, it could never be right for him. Though, the fire master had no objection to the idea when it came to others; no matter how much his chest ached and mind banged at the idea of him holding hands with a man..he could never come to hate those who did.
When he grew and so did his mind, Kai recalled a memory, sometime after his sister had taken over the roll as the Master of Water. It was a late night upon the bounty, his thoughts and worry kept him wide awake. Positioned right in front of his younger brother’s room, the fear of loosing him yet again eating at him. As so did many other things. Nya had trudged up to him with her pajamas, stolen from his drawer months ago, but no move to retrieve them. Her eyes, red and puffy, body shaking as she beckoned him to follow. With a nervous glance back, Kai left the room with his brother sleeping inside as Nya brought them both to the bounty’s lower deck. Her footsteps heavy the whole way; element dripping from her finger tips. A nervous tick they both shared.
“Is everything okay?” He had asked. Already opening his arms for his younger sister.
“Promise not to hate me?”
“I could never hate you, sis.”
“I’m..I’m bisexual.”
And what did Kai Smith do?
He hugged his sister as tight as he could. Reminding her with quiet whispers how proud of her he is, how thankful he is for her telling him. How she trusted him. She cried, sobbing loudly into his shoulder as she clutched onto his shirt. Words of worry falling from her lips in a blabbering mess. How terrified she had been to tell him; how she thought Kai would throw her away, lock Nya up in a memory of someone who she never was. Deny this, tell her it was wrong, that she couldn’t love a women, too just pick a side. Kai was horrified, he had promised too her, telling her that she was everything to him. No matter what she did, no matter her choices of partners, or way of life, she would forever be his little sister. The same sister he would love till time stopped completely. Regardless of her identity.
The following morning, Nya told everybody, and how proud Kai was of her. Jay had shot up, at first, Kai was ready to bark back at whatever homophobic remark he was about to make. Only to have the lightening master run up to her, proudly shouting how he too was queer and shared the very fear of telling Nya. A domino effect fell across the group, a nervous Zane admitted his attraction, regardless of who. Lloyd had nonchalantly shrugged, saying love wasn’t for him, finding no interest in anyone. Cole, with a morning pancake shoved into his mouth, muffled, revealed he was gay. They loved her, samurai or ninja, straight or gay. Nya had practically fell to her knees with laughter; how scared she had been, only to realize everyone was just like her. Expect, of course..
“Guess Kai is our token straight friend!” Jay had laughed, pointing back playfully at the fire master resting against the wall. Making the group shush him, but smiling with a short giggle. However, Kai could only blink. His chest tightening as he forced a smirk to form across his lips. Brushing him off as he jokingly said. “Whatever! The more ladies for me, anyway!”
The group rolled their eyes at his egotistical remark—whilst internally the other had to resist the urge to start screaming right then and there. The way the lie fell off his lips, so natural, it made him sick to his stomach. Churning uncomfortably, lungs felt as if though they were twisted into knots, so tight he could barely breathe. The way they crowded around each other, laughing at fun stories of how they realized who they were—sharing tips, specifically between the blue and green ninja on binding techniques; whilst Kai stood awkwardly to the side. A lingering stare on the group, before he ultimately decided to go out to the deck; letting himself go before he could let those thoughts taint his mind and threaten the risk of leaving his mouth. Those hazel eyes, dark hair, the beautiful boy, it all flashed past him in one quick vision. He shook it away before anything happened. Guilt piling within him, disgusting, he was, disgusting.
Kai Smith could not be gay. He could not fall in love with a boy, he refused too. And yet; destiny once again, decided to make itself known. For it loved to make it’s residers look like fools in the bigger picture, and the fire elemental was the next one in line for fate’s game.
The second time Kai laid his eyes on a man, he wanted to cry and beg for forgiveness. Lock himself in the monastery’s closet; never to come out and face those awful feelings. It was immediately after their victorious win against the Oni’s army. The team, so relieved to find their favorite green ninja alive and well after creating the tornado that wiped out the enemy—grabbed the first person they could. The fire master barely had time to react, before two large arms wrapped around him, lifting him up from the ground in a warm embrace. The laugh of his friend echoed in his ears, and he couldn’t even return the gesture before he was placed down. Turning all their attention to Lloyd, as they ushered him inside to rest. Kai’s hand grazed Cole’s on their little brother’s back, and that was the moment he knew he had made the worst mistake of his life. He could trace exactly where Cole had grabbed him; hugged him so tightly he felt like his heart would pop into pieces. The most horrific thought was how Kai loved it, he loved the way he held him, so out of the blue, such a spur of the moment of joy that neither could possibly even realize what had happened—
Kai Smith supposes that was the day he fell in love with Cole Blacksmith. As simple and silly as it was, it terrified him.
The way his heart skipped a beat every-time he smiled at him, how he fixed the fire ninja’s posture on stances during training; the earth master’s fingers—so strong against the enemy but so gentle against him. They danced over his body, fixing the way his arms were set, his breath hitched quietly when they grabbed his waist to turn him slightly. It was addicting, Kai wanted them all over him—and it was that mere thought that made him want to curl up and depart. How he tried, how he tried to tell himself it was wrong—he couldn’t love a man, no less his best friend! However, with every-time he made him laugh, he took a moment to admire the earth master’s face. The way his eyes squeezed shut, smile, as wide as it could be, clutching at his stomach and wiping away a stray tear. It was gorgeous, Kai had thought, it was disgusting how gorgeous he was. With every-time Cole had woken up from a nightmare from the fall, he immediately was next to the fire master; wrapped up in his blanket and snoring peacefully beside him. It was what friends do, they were there for each other. It didn’t mean anything. With every excuse, the more his mind and gut seemed to scream. Danger, run away, avoid these feelings, deny them! They weren’t, and couldn’t be real!
Kai tried, how he tried to ignore these feelings. He turned to Skylor, shoving those feelings and trying to focus on loving her—being with her. But, every day, he could only see Cole’s face, only hear his laugh as she giggled. Her bright gold eyes, contrasting so heavily with the dark brown of his friend’s, he could hardly focus on Skylor when Cole had plagued his mind. She had brought it up on a date one night, one that he didn’t schedule he noted, only going because that’s what a boyfriend is suppose to do when they have a girlfriend. They do things together, even if they don’t want to. Skylor had paused their walk, the master of amber turned to the other with a serious look across her face—unlocking their hands as she forced eye contact. Something, though not voiced out loud, Kai was thankful of.
“Do you love me?”
“What? Of course I do!”
“Say it.”
“Say what?“
“Say ‘I love you.’”
And what did Kai Smith do?
He stayed quiet.
And Skylor left in tears.
He went home that night earlier then the noted time he warned the others of; and was greeted to see Cole sitting outside on the monastery’s steps—the other’s face brightening as he saw him. Kai took one look at him, and felt sick to his stomach. He shoved away the hands that tried to hug him, he ignored the way the other ninja still awake tried to pester him for what was bothering him, and finally he slammed the door to his bedroom so harshly it shook the entire building. Flames flicking at his fingertips. Kai fell to his knees, Skylor’s distraught and falling face replaying in his mind. He didn’t cry, he didn’t even regret it, there was no remorse over what he had done. No guilt, absolutely empty of any type of emotion he could feel for her. He was horrible, a terrible partner—he was disgusting. Disgusting. A word that followed him like a disease throughout his life. Cole’s face flashed in his mind and Kai screamed with a fist hitting the door. Ignoring the way it burnt the wood, and smoke trailed up his nose; the fire ninja took one glance at the damage—removed himself from the floor, and collapsed into bed with tears streaming down his face. Those dark brown eyes haunting him until he drifted asleep.
A month later, him and Skylor were..’fine.’ They didn’t get back together, Kai couldn’t dare let himself hurt someone like that ever again—all because he couldn’t face his own feelings. Pathetic, it was, but the truth. Sensei Wu had pestered them into getting back into training, and who were they to deny it? The routine was set, mornings were filled with a team laughing as they stretched. However, the only thing Kai could watch was the ninja across the monastery’s courtyard. How could someone look so beautiful, calm, relaxed, yet so focused at the same time? Cole had his hair pulled up, he had been growing it out; not like the fire ninja cared nor particularly looked out for or anything. His hands fiddled with those thick dark waves of his, a hairband stuck between his teeth as he then grabbed it and pulled it back to his hair, setting it into a short ponytail. Kai could only imagine how soft it’d feel between his fingers; those cursed images filling his brain only being cut out by the sound of Lloyd snapping his fingers. Announcing to pair up with somebody for simple sparing. Easy, he shrugged, he easily defeated Jay multiple times before he thought as he marched over to the blue ninja—only to find him hand in hand with his sister. Nya sent an apologetic grin, and pointed to Cole who was already heading over to Kai.
“What? Trying to get out of training already?” He had jokingly asked; the slightest shine on his skin from the harsh sun beating down on their bodies. His scar was so pretty, it felt so perfectly between his cheek and rest of his features. The smallest bits of orange in his eyes, the fire ninja never recalled seeing that before.
“Woah.”
“Woah, what..?” Cole chuckled. A confused expression on his face as his eyes flicked around.
Kai flushed, mentally slapping himself as he pushed him aside. Making a snide comment to his earlier suggestion as he walked over to pick up a wooden sword from the rack laid out for the morning; all the while Cole laughed from behind him. He glanced back, and could see the slightest blush on his cheeks. Shaking his head, he must’ve been seeing things. He had to be seeing things. He wouldn’t let this be the universe, he reminded himself.
And if Kai’s sword’s handle was darkened with ash, no one mentioned anything.
Then, something changed, something that made the alarm bells ring in the fire ninja’s head. Everything he had ever feared for coming true in the span of weeks—it was like a rope falling down a hole. Try as he might, it was just on the edge and he missed the chance to grab on and stop it. Watching horrified as it fell, and terrified as he watched his team members suddenly become very..odd. He knew, of course he knew, he had to grow up hyper-aware of every little thing. He’d walk into a room, and everyone would go quiet. Sending slide glances at Cole, who fiddled awkwardly with his hands. Kai would find himself alone with the earth ninja more often then he’d wished for, they’d spend hours at the monastery sat together at the TV..playing games or watching movies, all because Lloyd had said a simple; “Oh..we don’t need everybody on this mission!” As the team left with knowing smiles to one another.
It hurt.
Oh, how it hurt to watch it unfold.
Kai was in-love with Cole, and Cole was in-love with Kai.
It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t happen..it wouldn’t happen!
It was like watching a movie, unable to change a single thing. No matter how stupid the characters seemed to be, no matter how many times he had shouted at the screen..his pleas would go silenced to them because the story was already set in place. The fire ninja felt like he was reliving those nights back when he first saw the nameless boy in the village, they plagued his dreams, only this time they were replaced with his friend’s, that gentle smile only he saw; because it was only him Cole was in-love with. On trips to the city, the other would not so sneakily try to grab his hand, and as much as Kai wanted to let his heart flame up and connect their longing hands..he would pretend not to notice and stick his fists back in his pockets. Avoiding the saddened gaze of his friend.
Kai couldn’t tell what hurt more, pretending like Cole didn’t love him, or pretending like he didn’t love Cole.
Then, it happened.
“Can I talk to you?”
The team was in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner when the question had been purposed. He could feel all eyes on him; it swallowed him like a lake, drowning him into murmuring with a shrug a small ‘Sure, whatever.’ Followed by him being led out into the courtyard, the cold night tickled at his arms; he might’ve been the Master of Fire, but he could hardly focus on controlling his element to heat him up when he was outside with Cole. The other in question looked more nervous then he had ever been, and all Kai could hope for was that something would magically interrupt this. Too the First Master, please, don’t make him do this, don’t make him face this. Please.
“You’re my best friend, y’know.”
He couldn’t even muster anything to say, so he nodded. Heart beating in his chest.
“I don’t want this too ruin our friendship..” The earth ninja took a breath.
‘Don’t. Don’t say it, don’t.’
“Kai Smith, I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you. I..guess I never realized that till now, I’ve been terrified of telling you. I didn’t want to risk our friendship but..I can’t..ignore these feelings. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, everything about you I love! I love you’re stupid hair, no matter how much gel you use up..I love your hotheadedness, I love the way you shout stupid little lines when fighting..I love that stupid catchphrase of yours..”
He was going to throw up.
“I love you, Kai Smith..will you grant me the honor of being my boyfriend?”
But Kai Smith was a boy.
And Cole Blacksmith was a boy.
He couldn’t even register what he said next, nose heating up yet numbing from the cold—tears finding their way into his eyes. Kai looked at him through a blurry vision, whispering so quietly, Cole could barely hear it.
“I wish you were a girl.”
If only.