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I disliked the hospital. It was quiet, boring, I needed to rest, take medications, unknown people kept on touching me, the food was bland and all I did was sleep, watch TV or use my phone. Thankfully, I got better. They said I’d probably get discharged after therapy and after my results came out. So many tests were done, I guess that was for the better.
But they took swimming from me.
“Alright, alright, I get it. Can’t you stay with me? I have nothing to do here. Aether, please, I promise I’ll do better next time.” I winked playfully at my brother.
. . .
“Ow!” He hit my head..! Though it didn’t really hurt. Lol.
“I gave you your notes. If you want to get out, continue therapy. Or why not go outside of the hospital and walk? It’ll help with your injury. And along with your therapy, you’ll get better in no time. Then you’d get back to your beloved swimming and everything would be back to normal. Think positive, Lumine.” Aether smiled. He grabbed his bag then waved.
“I left grapes on the fridge.” He left then closed the door. I rolled my eyes. Well at least I have my grapes..
I grabbed my phone, messaged my friends. All they did was try to console me, tell me what assignments we had, the lessons, I could hardly talk to them like I used to now. Sometimes they'd ask how I was doing, when I'd get discharged and ask me about swimming. They were always busy, that was understandable. But with nothing to do, I felt like they were ignoring me, it felt like we were drifting apart.
One more reason to get out of this place and never come back.
“At least once I get better, I can go back to swimming~ I can’t waitttt~!” I laid down on the bed.
I don’t want to sleep again.
I sat up then looked at my leg. I got injured from a motorcycle accident. Partially my fault.. But the injury wasn’t permanent. Well, as long as I can swim again.
“He said there were grapes..” I walked to the fridge. Walking is hard now. So I didn’t like walking for too long. I washed the grapes, sat down on my bed and read on my phone. I sighed. I don’t feel alive at all. I’ve been here for ages.
Or a week, rather.
5 days.
Still, I don’t like this place.
“Aether said I could get better faster if I walk around….” I ate my grapes. I didn’t feel comfortable walking. It didn’t hurt, it was just hard. I don’t like it when things are hard. I sighed.
“It’s for swimming..! Lumine, you need to get out of here!” I mumbled to myself, finished my grapes, stood up, grabbed my phone, then walked over to the door.
I plan to film my stay in the hospital.
That way, I’ll feel like my stay here has a purpose. I took a deep breath, opened the door, then looked at the hallway. Not much people.
What do I do now?
I looked at the room next to mine, through the small window on the door. It was a guy. Probably around my age.. He’s asleep. I filmed him with my phone camera. A lot of things were connected to him. Perhaps he’s in a much worse state than mine.
…!
I flinched when he slowly opened his eyes, then looked at me..! I crouched and hid. What was that? That was creepy.. I didn’t realize I was the one being creepy by looking through his door. I stopped filming. And this is why we don’t go outside, everyone! I sighed. I walked away from that room.
. . .
Stairs. I hate stairs.
“Think positive, Lumine. It’s for swimming.”
I grabbed onto the railings, then slowly walked down. There was a garden beside the hospital, hopefully with people I could film and talk to. I could walk around as well.
I went outside and thankfully, the weather was just alright. I walked around, talked to two old ladies, and I filmed them as well. They were nice, but I found out that their room was far from mine. Then I talked to a kid, who wanted to see how much I filmed when I told her about it. I didn’t show her. I was about to go back inside when I saw a familiar face. It was that creepy guy..!
“Absolutely not.” I told myself. But he’s got my interest.
My thoughts made me want to approach him. After all, he was creepy. That made him interesting. He didn’t really look approachable.. though, I’d admit that he’s handsome. He just looks a little pale. After a moment of staring and thinking, I walked over to him. He wasn’t that far from me. He was sitting on a bench, which looked boring.
“You’re the guy beside my room, right?” I asked him. He looked at me and noticed I was filming. Did that make him uncomfortable?
“Oh, I.. just wanted to film my stay here. “ I have nothing better to do. Lmao.
“Do you feel uncomfortable? I can turn it off. Oh, and sorry for looking into your room earlier.. I just decided to walk around and was curious.” I smiled, hoping to lighten the atmosphere. He nodded.
Awkward! He’s not talking at all!
“So.. Do I turn it off?” I asked him.
He looked at me then sighed.
“Do you want to?” He replied.
Woah, he actually talks.
I shook my head before smiling sheepishly.
“You’re interesting. I want you on my video. Is that alright?” I asked him.
“Do what you want.” He replied.
He finally talked, but he didn't talk much.. What do I say now..? I looked at him for a moment, thinking.
“Do you like it here?” I asked.
“Do you think I like it here?” He replied. What’s up with this guy..!?
“Mmh… No. I don’t like it here, so maybe you don’t either.” I let out a forced laugh. He didn’t reply. This is kind of tiring.. Let’s start with the basics!
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Didn’t you see near the door? Upper left.” He replied.
. . .
Obviously not..! That’s why I asked!
“Ah.. ahehehehe… No, I didn’t notice it— You see, I was super creeped out when you woke up and looked at me..!” I tried to be more open and casual.
“Shouldn’t I be the one to say that..? I didn’t know you, but you were just staring at me.” He replied.
Oops.
“Ah, well.. Sorry. Sorry about that.” I said.
He stayed silent for a moment before talking.
“I found it funny.” He said.
Funny?
“Funny? How?” I asked. How is that funny…
“I won’t answer that. However, my name’s Xiao. Yours?” Xiao asked in reply to my question.
Did he not feel comfortable with me? I sighed. We’re still strangers to each other after all.
“Saori. I’m quite popular, you know.” I smirked then giggled.
“I am as well.” He replied. My eyes widened.
“What?” My hands that were holding my phone shook a little. I leaned closer out of interest.
“I play the piano. I’ve done recitals internationally.” He said. My face brightened up. He was opening up.
“I swim. I’ve competed internationally as well. Quite a lot of times, though I’ve only won 2 times yet.” I sighed. I smiled.
“I want to see you play. Can you do that for me?” I asked. Quite the shameless request, but I was being honest.
. . .
He chuckled. Woah, he can laugh as well? It was just a small chuckle, but it made me happy.
“What, you found that funny as well? What an odd person..” I said then chuckled as well.
“How about we play truth or dare? You look like you stay here a lot, so I doubt you have that many friends.. I’ll be your friend.” My words might come off as rude, but I didn’t think much of it. I was just speaking my thoughts.
“That’s quite rude of you, don’t you think so?”
“But you don’t look offended.”
“I’m not.”
“So it’s the truth?”
He didn’t reply afterwards, which made me laugh.
“Let’s go inside, it’s getting a little dark now. Let’s play truth or dare tomorrow. Come on.” I asked him while smiling.
He just looked at me, sighed, then stood up. I filmed our way up our rooms. He was quiet, as expected, but I still did my best to make friends with him. I asked him why he was here, he just changed the topic. I asked him when he’d get discharged, he didn’t reply.
“Then how about a basic question, what do you like?” I asked him.
“Playing the piano.” He responded as we got into the elevator.
“I don’t like elevators.” I said.
“Then why didn’t you use the stairs?” He asked.
“I don’t like the stairs either. And besides, you’re here. Maybe it’s not that bad now.” I chuckled.
We then arrived at his room. I smiled at him, and he didn’t even return my smile!
“One last question.” I said.
“Are you dying?” I asked him. His expression didn’t change the slightest.
“Turn it off.” He said. I did as he said and stopped filming.
“No.” He then smiled. So he can smile?
“Now close the door, I want to sleep.” He said. I laughed a little before nodding.
“Good night.” I closed the door then walked over to my room.
I watched the videos I recorded before sleeping, all while eating some grapes. Maybe walking around wasn’t so bad. I chuckled to myself, watching my conversation with random hospital people. Nurses, that kid, those grannies, and Xiao. I laid back on my bed after finishing the grapes.
I should walk around again tomorrow.
“You’ve never really played truth or dare? Are you sure?” I asked him, surprised.
“I have no reason to lie. Explain.” He replied.
Really..? He must be living under a rock… no, he’s been living in the hospital. I sighed. Maybe he’s never really gotten outside.. That made me realize how little I knew about him. I looked at Xiao for a moment, just observing him.
…
“I asked this question before, I’ll ask it again.” I told Xiao.
“I asked you to explain the mechanics of the game..” He sighed.
“What is it?” He added.
“ Are you dying? ” He’s not right? Xiao looked so done, it lightened up the atmosphere a little.
“Do you want me to die? Why do you keep asking that question? I’m not dying.” Xiao replied.
I smiled, reassured.
“You see, I have a lot to show you outside this prison. I want you to see me swim and I want to see you play the piano. So let’s get out of here, hm?” I said. Xiao just chuckled.
“Hey, what’s funny..?!” I asked.
“Why do you hate this place so much?” He asked. Hmph, I asked him first.. I sighed.
“It gets in the way of swimming. It’s boring here, the food is bland and I have to take medicine. It’ll be harder to catch up with my studies too.” I replied, in a matter-of-fact tone.
“How did you get here anyways? Mind telling me what happened?” He asked. I turned off the camera and told him about the motorcycle incident.
“Don’t you dare laugh.”
He remained silent. Maybe because I was glaring at him.
“So you got injured, got ‘everything taken away from you’ because you tried to avoid a bird on the street?” He asked.
“It’s still a life saved!” I argued.
“Do you not care for your life at all?” He asked.
What a question.
“Hm. I don’t think I do.” I replied. He looked surprised. I internally groaned, I shouldn’t have turned off the video!! It’s another expression from him after all, he rarely shows one! I sighed again, turned on the video then gave him an explanation.
“But it’s not like I want to die.. It’s just that I don’t mind dying.” I smiled.
“Why?” He asked.
“Well.. Hm.. It’s not like I have much to live for or look forward to. I just don’t see much meaning in living.. I love swimming, I love my brother, I love grapes, I’ve got all I want and need. So after that, what now? I just don’t feel really alive at all.” I replied.
“But I’m not the type to kill myself or anything! As I said before, I don’t want to die. But if I do die, then.. Okay?” I chuckled sheepishly. Did he understand? I myself don’t understand my words anymore.
“So you’ve got all you could ask for, that’s why you don’t mind dying?” He asked. I nodded.
“Hm.” He didn’t say anything more. I didn’t know what to say as well, so we sat in silence.
…
. . .
Hey, say something..!
I turned off the video then sighed.
“Why so quiet?” I asked.
“Between the both of us, you’re the one who always initiates the conversation.. You didn’t say anything, so I didn’t say anything as well.” He replied.
What the hell..!?!?! I wanted to smack his head, but we’re not close enough yet for me to do that. I took a deep breath to calm myself down then smiled.
“It looks forced.” Xiao said. Was he teasing me..!?! I grinned and shook my head.
“Not at all.” I kept on smiling. Suddenly, he pinched my cheek.
“ You look weird. ” Xiao said.
. . .
I flicked his forehead, he looked at me then rubbed his forehead.
“Can’t you be nice to me? I’m your friend, you know?” I said, a little bit annoyed.
“I was being nice by being honest. If people saw your forced smile, they’d think you’re weird. I just saved your reputation, you should thank me.” He replied. I felt a little bit more annoyed by this. Was he doing this on purpose?
“Never mind.” I looked away, then stayed silent for a moment.
Xiao probably noticed that I was quiet, so he did something unexpected again. He took my phone, then filmed me. I looked at him with a puzzled expression.
. . . ?
“What are you doing?”
“You haven’t filmed yourself yet, right?”
“Why does that matter?”
“Smile. Why are you pouting? Mad?”
“Nope.”
“Definitely.”
“Just turn it off.”
“No.”
I sighed. This guy… He then turned it off, then gave me my phone. I didn’t say anything for a moment.
“.. Let’s.. Play. That game.” Xiao said. He actually started a conversation.. My face and expression brightened up, I nodded then smiled.
“I’m going to ask you, truth or dare, then of course you pick 'truth or dare', whatever you wish so. Then I’d ask you a question, and you’re supposed to tell me the truth. Or I dare you something, then you’re supposed to do it. Understood? We take turns in doing so.” He looked at me for a moment, maybe processing the instructions… He then nodded.
I started filming again.
We played the game for quite a while, and it ended with him with a dare from me.
“Play the piano for me.”
He didn’t respond.
“It’s a dare. You’re supposed to do it. I did your dares, even had to walk the stairs, this is asking you to do something you love, I’m giving you a very easy—...” I trailed off. His expression. His face. He didn’t usually show emotions, he didn’t show it in his face, but I knew something was off.
…
I cleared my throat.
“Let’s go inside?” I smiled. He sighed.
“Alright, I’ll play the piano for you.” My eyes widened when I heard him. Really?
“Really?” I looked at him, shocked and confused. I mean, I did want him to play the piano.. I just didn’t know he’d agree.
“I don’t know when though.” He looked at me.
“Can you wait?” He asked.
I smiled.
“Of course I’d wait!”
“But isn’t that hard? Reading the notes while playing the piano, I mean. And you need to flip the page thing as well! Look, I saw it on Youtube! I looked you up, you’re quite a genius as they call it..”
I met with him again. This time, not outside. In his hospital room. I brought him grapes, which surprisingly, he didn’t eat much.
“Aether knows which grapes to pick, so they’re guaranteed to be super delicious.” I told him with a smile. He looked too busy eating to reply to me, I smiled while filming him.
“Do you like grapes?” I asked him.
“I like them now. ” He replied.
That made me smile. I laughed.
Days passed and it’s almost everyday that I visit Xiao. Sometimes we just talk, sometimes we walk around, sometimes we eat together, sometimes he helps me study and sometimes we play. Sometimes he’d accompany me while I film the whole hospital, sometimes we just sit in the garden, I’d pluck out pretty flowers, then leave it on his table. I have no use for flowers, but they were pretty, so I gave them to him.
Almost two weeks had passed. I’d get discharged tomorrow. We’ve become quite close, to the point that I’ve met his parents, ate dinner in his room, we even took a picture. I’d get it printed and framed once I get out, I promised him.
“I left you grapes in the fridge. They’re better when cold.” I smiled. He nodded.
“I’ll come back, I promise. I’ll come back with our picture.” I winked. His expression looked so done with me, it was funny.
“Alright, get well, okay? Follow me outside soon, you still haven’t completed our dare from last week. It’s a dare, you’re supposed to do it.” I chuckled. He nodded.
“I’ll come back.” I said.
“I’ll be waiting.” He replied.
I smiled and waved him goodbye before closing the door. I stopped filming then walked out of the hospital.
While I was on my way home, I thought for a while. We were already quite close, and he probably only had me as his friend. But…
“Lumine, you dumbass!!” I mumbled to myself in frustration.
Piles of activities. Swimming lessons and training. School topics I have to catch up on. I had so much to do, yet I still promised to come back, as if I had the time!! I sighed. He said he’d wait. How long can he wait?
Four days had passed since I was discharged. Though I didn’t have training yet, I was already occupied with school. Quizzes, group activities, research and a bunch of essays, not to mention the topics I still needed to study. I was starting to think that maybe staying in the hospital was for the better…
“I miss Xiao…” I mumbled while twirling my pencil. Was he still waiting? I snapped myself out of it. If I want to visit him, then I need to get these schoolworks done and clear my schedule!
After a few more days, I was finally free from everything. I attended two swim training sessions and skipped today so I can visit him again. A week and 2 days, was he still waiting?
I got my answer when I went inside his room. He was looking better, a little bit healthier than before. I smiled.
“Sorry I took so long.” I gave him a bag of grapes then took out my phone to film him. Then I got our framed picture out of my bag.
3..
2..
1..
I gave it to him. His face visibly brightened up, his eyes lit up and his lips showed the slightest smile. I knew he was happy. And I got it on camera! I chuckled.
“Gifts because I was late. Oh, and I took a lot of pictures outside, since I got our picture framed.” I walked then sat beside him. He moved away a little. Was I too close? Anyways!
“Here’s my cat! Then Aether, oh, Aether again, sorry.. Aether, Aether.. Uhm… Oh, These are Yoimiya and Ayaka, my best friends.. Here’s Kokomi from our school’s swimming club, she’s really nice.. Oh Aether again, haha..!” I babbled and babbled about everything outside the hospital. Xiao just listened. He seemed fascinated and happy, but I knew I was being insensitive. So I stopped, then changed the topic.
“I’ll go put these in the ref, they’re the best when cold.”
"When cold.” Xiao said the same thing to me.
“Oh?”
“You told me so many times already. I agree.”
I smiled then nodded. I put the grapes in the ref, then went back to Xiao.
“So what did you do today? Are you going to get discharged soon? You still haven’t completed the dare..” I said. He scoffed a little. I got it on camera!
“You still remember that?” He asked.
“Of course! I’m serious about wanting to see you play, so you better get well quickly.” I replied. He sighed.
“The results aren’t out yet, but I feel better. Though the chances of getting discharged are still low.” He replied, sounding like he was used to this. I wasn’t. I really hoped he would get discharged, maybe tomorrow, or next week. I sighed as well.
“What really is the problem with you? I don’t see any physical injuries, so it must be internal. What disease? Respiratory? Cardiovascular, Circulatory?” I had so many questions. I hoped he would answer them, but he just pinched my cheeks.
“I’ll get better. No need to worry.” He replied in a blunt tone. I kept on asking him that, he kept on telling me he will get better. But nothing was happening. He was improving, but he wasn’t healing completely.
I wanted to believe his words.
I wanted him to believe that I believed his words.
I sighed then scoffed.
“You have to.”
I was busy most of the time, only able to visit him four times a month or two sometimes. But I always made sure to make it up to him, taking videos of the outside, buying him grapes and things I think he’d like.
Two months turned into three, three months turned into four. He’d get better then something would happen. He’d recover, I’d hope he’d heal for good, then things would go bad again.
Will he get better?
I sat on our balcony. I talked to him on the phone for around 45 minutes. 2:51 am. I stretched. It’s Sunday tomorrow. Maybe I’d give him a visit.
I watched the videos I filmed in the hospital. The nurse, a girl, those two grannies, then a video of my first meeting with Xiao. Another nurse, then Xiao, then Xiao again. A doctor, the two grannies, a kid, Xiao, a doctor then Xiao.
Then Xiao again.
And again.
Then again.
A random video of me, then Xiao again. It was almost all Xiao.
That was when I realized, I wasn’t filming my stay in the hospital anymore. I was filming Xiao. Not only do I keep going back to that damned prison, but I kept on filming Xiao even after I got discharged. I skipped swim training sessions for him.
I used to not care much about relationships. Friendships, rather. I only had around 3 close friends, then my brother. Maybe it was because I like obsessing over stuff, like grapes, and swimming, and filming these videos. Maybe I got obsessed with him as well.
I sighed.
I planned to show him the whole thing tomorrow, my compilation of videos.
. . .
He’s not here.
This is his room right?
His name near the door is gone.
His bed is fixed. His stuff gone.
Where is he?
The nurse was cleaning up his room, removing the machines, monitors, etc. Was he discharged? Was he finally discharged? I walked up to the nurse, my heart pounding with excitement. What should we do once I meet him again? I want to see him play the piano first. Maybe we can go to a cafe first and just talk, take it slow? Or go shopping, he can go to my house as well!
“Ah, you've been the patient next door before! You were friends with him right?” The nurse said. I nodded.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
…
?
???
‘Sorry for my loss’? What is she talking about?
“Xiao passed away this morning. Ventricular Fibrillation. It’s such a shame you weren’t here. Pretty sad since his parents weren’t also.” The nurse sighed.
I was dumbfounded.
Ventricular Fibri what? And Xiao passed away?
Are you serious?
I just stared at the nurse blankly. My heart was beating so fast. Not from excitement anymore.
“A-Ah.. Is that so? Thank.. You for informing me.” I clenched the bag of grapes in my hand.
Xiao passed away? That can’t be.. He said he’d get out of this place with me. He said he’d play the piano, he said he’d get better.
He said he wasn’t dying.
“What a shame. I wanted to see you play.”
I walked away from his room, heart empty, head filled with questions.
This can’t be real. I was supposed to show him the video. I was supposed to show him the outside. I was supposed to show him my friends.
I was supposed to watch him play.
He was supposed to watch me swim.
Why? Why did he leave me? Why didn’t he wait? Why did he go alone? Why? We were doing so well, everything was going so smoothly! Why? Why did this have to happen? Why was he taken from me? Why? Why? Why? Why? We had so many plans, what did he do so wrong? He doesn’t deserve this.
I arrived home. It all felt so heavy, rather than empty. I placed the bag of grapes on the table. Aether must have noticed that I came back earlier than usual.
“Already? Did you two fight? You didn’t give him the grapes and you look tired.” He said. I looked at him then shook my head.
“He’s gone.” It was hard to speak.
“What? What are you talking about? Lumine, look at me. Lumine!” Aether held my hand.
“What happened?” He asked.
“ They said that.. This morning… Xiao.. He.. Xiao has.. ” My chest started to tighten.
Aether seemed to understand what I mean. His expression softened and he embraced me. Only after being hugged by him did I feel emotions again. It felt like everything came crashing down. The tears immediately flooded my eyes and I started to sob. Those sobs became louder and louder, then I spoke. Words that I wished I could tell Xiao, questions that will never be answered, plans that never came true.
“He told me he would get better! He said he’d play the piano for me, it was a dare, he was supposed to do it!! Aether, the nurse said he was alone, I could’ve been there. I should’ve been there! Why did this happen? Everything was going so well! Why did this happen? Why did this have to happen!?” I wanted to scream and shout, I was screaming and shouting, crying and sobbing.
That was when I realized. He never really promised to leave that damned place with me. Nor did he promise that he was going to watch me swim, or that he’d play the piano for me. He just asked me to wait. But until when? So what now?
Did he know? Did he know that soon, he'd have to leave me? Did he know that he might die? Then why didn't he tell me?
I cried and cried until the tears wouldn't fall anymore. Then I got tired. I woke up, feeling empty. Of course, something, someone was missing. And I know I can’t get him back.
I attended his funeral then found out about a diary that he kept. His parents gave me permission to read them. Apparently, my name was on the diary. Somehow, it made me laugh. Something I haven’t done for weeks. I didn’t expect someone so unpredictable and blunt as him to write a diary. Someone who was reserved and quiet, I guess this is where he lets out those emotions he wouldn’t show to others. I only read the recent entries, since I didn’t want to pry in too much. There were phrases, entries that caught my eye.
“I can’t breathe again. Should I tell them? No, I don’t want to be a burden. I’ll just sleep it off.”
“My chest is hurting. The painkillers don’t work. They shouldn’t have paid for them, they’re useless. I want to get out.”
“I did nothing but sleep again today. Hopefully rest would get me out of here.”
“I’m getting tired. Maybe I won’t get better after all?”
“A weird girl came. She’s weird.”
“She’s trying to be friends with me. Is she bored?”
“She’s actually fun to talk to. How long is she staying here?”
“I think I’m getting better. I want to get out with her. She said she wants to see me play the piano. I want to see her swim too.”
“She’s funny and amusing. Also interesting, she said she didn’t mind dying. I like her smile.”
“She’s getting discharged soon. She’s leaving me. I think I’ll miss her.”
“It’s getting bad again.”
“I’m tired.”
“She came back. We got our photo framed. She brought me grapes. Much appreciated. She showed me the videos she took. Of the outside and here.”
“I don’t think this will work out. I want to see her again.”
“I don’t want to die yet.”
…
I ran my hands through my hair. This is giving me a headache. I took a deep breath.
“Why do you always keep things to yourself… If you wanted me to come back, I would’ve done so.”
“You dumbass.”
“I’ll miss you too.”
It’s been about three years. I attended a piano recital after I found out that he played in this theater before. Though it wasn’t him playing, I wanted to think that it was him. It’s been years.
I’ll keep waiting.