Chapter Text
It’s the first time Regulus has been in New York in years. Actual years. But it was good to be home, he decided. A part of him had even missed JFK and the smog of city streets.
His apartment was still his thanks to his brother moving in while he was in France (or England or Belgium or wherever else he decided to go). They’d share an apartment for one more week before Sirius would move in with James Potter while he waited for the new apartment to have the renovations finished.
James Potter was someone Regulus hadn’t stopped thinking about since the moment he boarded a flight to London three years ago. It didn’t help that three years ago they had been in a relationship.
It also didn’t help that three years ago, Regulus had left James without a word. Not even a hint that something was wrong. One day they were fine, planning their future even. The next James was waking up to an empty apartment and all of Regulus’ belongings gone.
It had been a long three years but they were good to Regulus. He was able to find himself during that time. He was able to solidify what he wanted. Separate himself from his abusive parents and figure out what this version of Regulus had wanted.
He had texted James once during this time. James never replied. Regulus didn’t blame him.
“Reg,” Sirius said, hugging his brother tight. “I’ve missed you.”
“You saw me at Christmas,” Regulus replied dryly.
“But I missed you in New York!”
Sirius grabbed one of Regulus’s bags and his carry-on, leaving the personal belonging and the second suitcase for Remus, who was on Sirius’ other side. There was a stark lack of James Fleamont Potter among them.
“Whatever. After we drop off my bags, food is first,” Regulus said. “I want a bagel.”
“There’s a really good bagel place that just opened up down the street from the new apartment,” Sirius said as they got to the taxis.
“What about my old place?” Regulus grumbled. “There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Yeah, except it's closed.” That made Regulus pause and glance at Sirius. “It shut down like a year ago. It’s now a fancy frozen yogurt shop.”
“Oh.” It was quiet and a little detached. “I didn’t know.”
Regulus waited until his things were back in the living room of his apartment to ask about James. There was a quick glance between Remus and Sirius before Sirius let out a long sigh.
“He’s not in town if that’s what you’re wondering,” Sirius said, a guarded look passing across his face. “Got a few shows across the country. He’s been gone for a few weeks now.”
That wasn’t what Regulus wanted to hear. He wanted James to be at the apartment, waiting for him with open arms, ready to start back what he had ended three years ago. Or not even ended. Just left.
“Reg…” Sirius trailed off.
“No. I did it to myself.” Regulus didn’t say anything for a second. “Let’s just get the bagel.”
The bagel wasn’t as good as his old place. But he thought anything would taste like cement. The worst thing to come out of the past three years was Regulus realizing James was the only person on this earth that he wanted. His life and his career would be fine as long as James Potter was in it.
He had fucked himself over.
Regulus idly wondered which apartment belonged to James. He’d never imagined James as someone to live in the middle of New York City but he had taken to it quickly and fell in love with it. It was different from Connecticut where they had all grown up but it had turned into their home.
“Nobody knows how he’s actually doing,” Remus said once Sirius had wandered off to take a phone call. “James. He doesn’t say much. We figure it out with his music but he hasn’t released anything in three years.”
James Potter also happened to be a mildly successful singer. He had one song go viral four years ago followed by a platinum selling album three years ago. Once Regulus left there were tours. He was extremely popular in the UK so he spent most of his time there. But he hadn’t put out any new music since the album.
“He doesn’t want to tell you,” Regulus said softly. “Doesn’t want to be a bother.”
“I don’t blame him.”
Remus had a look on his face, like he would protect James with everything in his bones which made sense. Regulus destroyed James. And not for the first time, Regulus regretted leaving.
Regulus decided he hated Lily Evans. She had joined the friend group after Regulus’ departure, during what Remus referred to as the dark months. She and her girlfriend, Mary, had pulled James by the scruff of his neck out of the deep depression Regulus had left him in.
The week following his arrival to New York, he had been waiting for an introduction. Finally, putting a face to the name of the person who pulled James from his depression.
What annoyed him the most was she was beautiful and smart and funny and bubbly. She was everything that Regulus wasn’t. Granted, she was pathetically in love with Mary and didn’t like men, which put James out of the running for potential partner. Lily also happened to be James’ music producer and had become one of his best friends in the three years since Regulus left.
“Hello lovely!” Lily said, coming up to press a kiss to Sirius and Remus’ cheek. “And hello! You must be Regulus.”
“Ah yes. That’s me.” He shook her hand as she sat down, the assumed Mary taking the seat beside her. “You’re Lily, I’m guessing.”
“Hmm. I am.” She glanced at her phone. “James has a new song releasing soon. He’s going to start promo on it next week.”
“A new song?” Sirius asked. “It’s been three years.”
“He said it was time. He has a few more stops before he ends up back here. Then three weeks and he’s back in the UK. We’re hoping to get the rest of the album done in that time.”
“How long will he be in the UK this time?” Lily shrugged at Remus’ question. “Does he even know?”
“Not really. He has meetings with the label and then a ton of shows. Promos for the new album. Album art. Tour finalization.” It seemed that James spent a majority of the time away from New York as well. “I have Leo until he gets back then I think Leo is going with him.”
“Leo? Whose Leo?” Sirius perked up, pulling out his phone and scrolling through something.
“Leo is only the best godson in the world.” Regulus’ stomach churned at seeing the small face of the cat.
They had plans to get a cat at some point but the cat wasn’t supposed to be Leo. The cat was supposed to be named Onyx. It was just another thing in Regulus' life that he gave up. His heart ached again and he wanted to leave. He stayed right where he was.
James Potter came back three weeks after Regulus had arrived in New York. It was two weeks later than he was supposed to, meaning he only really had a week before he had to be back in the UK.
He had started promoting a new song. The song quickly became popular on TikTok but Regulus didn’t listen to the little clip until Sirius had moved out of the apartment.
The first minute of the song had been posted and the first time Sirius had listened to it (with headphones on), his eyes immediately shot over to Regulus.
You said
“Who are we fooling?”
I guess that you gave up
On all that I am and all that I’m not
‘Cause I’m fucking useless
And full of excuses
I guess that you cut free
From all that we are and we’ll never be
And holy shit that hurt. What Regulus did to James personified into a song that people would share their deepest trauma’s hurt. Regulus knew it was a song about him.
The songs from his first album weren’t the happiest either but they were from the point of view of other people. James had said most of the songs on this album were written after his heart had been utterly shattered that led to his three year hiatus from new music.
It’s three weeks and two days after Regulus moves back to New York that Regulus and James are in the vicinity. It’s an apartment party in Brooklyn. Barty and Evan are there. Regulus sticks with them through the night.
“Don’t look now but James just walked in the front door with Lily and Mary,” Evan says to Regulus. “He hasn’t seen you yet.”
“How do you know?” Regulus asks as his eyes catch sight of James and stay on him as he greets the various people in the apartment.
“Do you think he’d hang around if he knew you were here?” Barty doesn’t get a response but does get up to greet James and direct him away from the corner where Regulus and Evan stay.
Barty and James had a strange relationship. Regulus and James were very early in their relationship when James was diagnosed with Bipolar II but Barty had been diagnosed with Bipolar I in his teens. Barty had been instrumental in James being diagnosed and those first few months when medication would work, cause horrible side effects, and stop working.
It had taken Barty months to talk to Regulus again, mostly because of Evan. Though Regulus and Barty’s friendship had taken a real hit that he doubted would ever really recover.
It’s an hour into the party when James accidentally sees Regulus. He was on his way to grab a drink when he spotted Evan first, started to make his way over, and then saw Regulus.
Barty had been right earlier. He doesn’t stay long after he sees Regulus, making a hasty exit with Mary following closely behind. Barty reappears, glancing at the door every so often.
Regulus doesn’t even enjoy the party after James has left.
It’s three weeks and five days after Regulus moves back when Regulus and James talk for the first time. It’s awkward, as they all knew it would be. But James mostly stares at the floor and Regulus can’t take his eyes off of James.
“How have you been?” James finally asks.
“Oh. Um. Fine.” It’s a lie but he doesn’t know what else to say.
James just nods and they fall back into silence while they wait for Sirius to return to be a buffer between the two of them. The silence doesn’t last long though.
“So, when do you leave for London?” Regulus can’t help but ask.
“Two days. My flight leaves at like seven.” James pauses. “Uh in the evening.” Regulus looks away.
They don’t speak again. But this time, Regulus can’t look at James and James can’t help but stare.
It’s four weeks after Regulus returns that he finally does something about James Fleamont Potter. He figures out what time James is heading to the airport, a solid four hours before it actually takes off. A driver hired by his label is the one taking him to the airport.
“Wait!” Regulus yells as James is making his way to the car. “I’m sorry. I’m just…” Regulus lets out a huff. “Hi.”
“Regulus, what are you doing here?” James asked, his eyes going back and forth between the driver and Regulus.
“Not to stop you just…apologize.” James didn’t interrupt and that spurred Regulus to continue. “I didn’t communicate what I needed and after years and a lot of therapy, I realize that wasn’t fair to you. Any of it. Well I realized I wasn’t fair to you as soon as I landed in France.”
“You left me, Regulus,” James said softly. “You left me without a single word. I woke up and you were just gone. I stayed right where you left me for so long. I put my career on pause for three years hoping that one day you’d come back. But you didn’t. I had to continue my life.”
“I texted you! And you didn’t respond to me. How was I supposed to know you wanted me to come home?”
Regulus was growing desperate that James was slipping out of his grip again. The bags in his hands stayed in his hands. Leo was in a small carrier and probably already asleep.
“You texted me a year and a half into you being gone. After I had texted you hundreds of times, trying to understand. And you said if I wanted you back, you’d come back. Regulus, that’s not fair.” There was a sharp stab in his chest. “It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to you.”
“I know.” James pressed his lips together. “I didn’t know when I would be ready to come back.”
“And that’s fine.” James tightened the grip on his bags slightly. “I have to go.”
“Would it be fair to tell you I’d wait for you?” James didn’t respond immediately. “Because I will.”
“I know. I’m not sure what fair is exactly.” James blinked a few times, looking up. “I have to go.”
“You don’t know when you’ll be back.”
“I don’t. I’m assuming a couple of months. Lily is flying to London to help finish the album. Most of my fans are there.” James adjusts the things in his hands. “Probably around Christmas.”
“That gives me four months.” James gives him a questioning look. “To get myself together. Prove to you that I’m here to stay. I can wait this time.”
“Regulus, you shouldn’t have to,” James said quietly. “What if I’m never ready?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” Regulus pauses. “Are we there yet?”
“I don’t think so.”
“How is London?” Regulus asks on the first of their weekly phone calls.
“Rainy,” James responds. “Leo is loving the apartment my management company put me in but I think that’s just because of the heated floors.”
“Heated floors sound very fancy. I’m kind of jealous.” James hummed and Regulus curled a little bit more into himself. “The bookstore should be open in the next few weeks. Maybe you can stop by when you’re back in New York.”
“I’m following the Instagram that Remus set up for it. He’s told me a little bit but not much.” James was quiet for a minute. “Tell me about it.”
“You don’t have to pretend, James.”
“I stopped pretending. I see you’re trying. I’m trying to trust you.” There was silence and then Regulus did tell him all about it.
He told him about the inspiration behind the name (Bookends) and how Remus had been desperate to add a vinyl section from the start. And James does try. He’s still hesitant and barely says anything personal about himself. He doesn’t tell him how recording is going or the song writing process. He doesn’t talk about his parents. But he does talk about Leo and the coffee shop that’s near his apartment and the Indian restaurant that has the best curries that remind him of the few times he’s been to India.
“I wouldn’t watch the documentary that’s coming out,” James says on their second weekly phone call. “About me. There’s some not very nice bits about you though your name isn’t mentioned.”
“I’ll watch it, James,” Regulus says. “I deserve everything coming at me.”
“You had your own mental health things going on. I was a little unfair to you at points.” He sounded guilty, which made Regulus’ heart clench.
“You have a new album coming out and I read that all of the music stemmed from when your heart was utterly shattered. I did that.” James doesn’t say anything immediately. “So I’ll watch it. And I’ll listen to the album. The vinyl is going at the front of the store when it comes out and it’s not just because of Remus. It will play so much on the speakers, Remus will beg me to change the album.”
“It’s just…” James let out a long sigh. “It’s rough.”
It’s after their fourth weekly phone call that Regulus sits down to watch the documentary. And James wasn’t lying. It was rough. There are parts of his life that Regulus wasn’t privy of.
There’s a day in April, two months after Regulus had left, that comes up. It was the day that James was checked into a psychiatric ward by a teary eyed Barty and a stone faced Remus.
Regulus himself remembers that specific day because he’d had his first good day in France. He was by the coast, staring at the sea as the sun was going down. He had decided to call Sirius for the first time since he left. Sirius had sounded hollow, like he wasn’t entirely there. An hour before, his best friend had been admitted to a psychiatric unit because he stopped taking his medication and had a very bad depressive episode followed by a destructive manic episode.
And yeah. It’s not great.
What’s supposed to be their fifth weekly call, Regulus doesn’t pick up. He stares at the phone as James’ face lights up his screen then becomes dark. It doesn’t light up again.
Regulus’ heart gets lodged in his throat.
He does it again the next week.
James doesn’t call him on week seven. He doesn’t even send pictures of Leo or the bookstores he comes across as he’s exploring London.
“James is moving to England,” Sirius says quietly. “I think he settled on Edinburgh. He’s asked us to pack up his apartment and send it to his new one.”
They’re drinking coffee at a place near Regulus’ apartment. It’s tiny so they have no choice but to sit on a bench, wrapped in a coat and scarf to fight the cold that is starting to blanket New York.
“Edinburgh is nice,” Regulus says softly. “When did he decide to stay?”
“Last week. He’s got a new music producer so Lily doesn’t have to move her entire life to Scotland. Leo loves it there. Might even get a little brother.”
All Regulus Black does is destroy James Potter. Since the moment they met as teenagers, Regulus has destroyed James. Maybe it was for the best that James stayed in Scotland where he’s safe from the fire that Regulus causes.
Regulus surges into action when James stops taking calls from Sirius and Barty, two of his best friends. He books a flight to Edinburgh and a hotel room and leaves the very next day. He gives a half assed excuse to Remus, whose sour he has to watch over the store while Regulus is away and while Sirius is having a mental breakdown over the disappearance. Regulus ignores him. He’s selfish that way.
He’s exhausted when he lands in Edinburgh but he skips checking into his hotel and instead heads to James’ apartment. He doesn’t know what he’ll find. He doesn’t know how to handle James’ depressive episodes anymore. Once upon a time, he was the only person besides Barty who could handle the lows of Bipolar depression.
James opens the door and to Regulus’ surprise, he looks fine. Tired and worn out, but fine. The circles under his eyes tell Regulus that he isn’t sleeping much and the clothes he’s wearing indicates that he’s just gotten back from recording.
“What are you doing here?” James said blandly as soon as he spotted Regulus at his door.
“You stopped taking Sirius and Barty’s phone calls.” James swore under his breath but left the door open and scooped up a tiny void that Regulus assumes is Leo.
Regulus followed and noted that his apartment was bare. Sirius had been dragging his feet to send things to James with the small hope he’d change his mind. There was nothing on the walls and the only clutter that seemed to be in the space was the cat toys and cat tree that sat in a corner. It felt cold and nothing like James Potter.
“But why are you here?” James muttered, putting down the cat as Regulus closed the door.
The assumed Leo tiptoed towards Regulus, sniffing his foot and then pawing at his shoelaces before laying down and stretching out with his belly up. There was a scatter of small white dots on his stomach and if Regulus didn’t know better, it vaguely looked like the Leo constellation.
“I watched the documentary.” James paused what he was doing. “Three weeks ago. You were right. It was rough. I didn’t know.”
“I told Sirius not to tell you,” he murmured. “He wanted to call you but you had made your decision.”
“It took me two weeks to realize I made a mistake in leaving you in New York but it was too late.”
“It wasn’t too late, Regulus.” James was obviously frustrated. “You could’ve called me. I would’ve picked up. You could’ve talked to me and you didn’t. We were together for three years.”
“I know.” Regulus paused. “Is it too late now?”
“I don’t know.” James swallows hard. “I don’t know. Reg, I need time. I didn’t even know you were back in town until that party that I saw you at. And you came back and I didn’t know about it.”
“I’m going to be in Edinburgh for a couple of days,” Regulus murmured. “I was worried.”
“I don’t exactly know how I’m supposed to trust you,” James murmured after some silence. “Trust you not to leave. We get to a really good spot after everything and you ignore me.”
“I fucked up. Three years ago, I fucked up. The worst part is I did all that soul searching and I just wanted to come home to you.”
“I think it’s my turn to have some distance,” James murmurs. “You should go.”
The album comes out six months later. Broken By Desire To Be Heavenly Sent is an instant hit and James’ personality doesn’t help the boost in popularity. Regulus streams it on Spotify the day it comes out. He plays Wish You The Best on repeat and cries the entire time.
In the six months since Regulus left James’ apartment, James stays radio silent with everyone in New York. Sirius texts him, begging for a response or just telling him about his day. There’s a rumor started at some point that James is dating someone but Effie is quick to squash that for the friend group. It was his music producer’s wife.
Six months to the day of Regulus leaving James’ apartment in Edinburgh, Regulus is sitting in his apartment. It’s his day off from the bookstore, letting their one employee and Remus run the shop. He’s curled up, fighting away the cold with a thick blanket and a mug of tea. The cat he recently got, Helios, is curled up on his lap. The orange tabby purring and kneading his legs as Regulus reads.
There’s a knock on the door and before Regulus is able to stand, there’s a text as well.
James Potter: https://youtu.be/qRnCLAErpiw?si=k4j27IyPjmKC9LZH
Regulus is quick to throw open the door. And there he is, standing in a red sweatshirt and a black beanie. He looks good. He looks healthy.
“Would you like to go get some coffee?” James murmurs. “I think I’m tired of running. I want to come home.”
There’s a double meaning behind those words. He wants to leave Edinburgh. He wants to come back to New York. He wants to come back to Regulus.
“I can’t promise that we won’t break each other’s hearts again. I can’t promise that we’ll be together forever. But I miss you.”
Regulus tugs James into the apartment and hugs him, relishing in the way that James’ arms slide around his waist and pulls him closer. They have a lot to talk about. It’s not fixed yet. But it’s starting to mend and that’s what’s important.