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You sit by the windowsill of your home, looking outwards and upwards — the summer sky that day was cloudy enough that you could look up without going blind. But despite the peaceful sky, the town you live in is feeling anything but. Family and friends are just as anxious as you, if not more. Your friend, Shiori, went missing as soon as summer rolled.
The police spent the first few weeks looking for her — scouring places she frequented the most, searching places she was last seen, interrogating the people closest to her, friends and possible enemies alike. She didn’t have enemies. At least, none that you can think of that would hate her enough to do such a thing as make her disappear without a trace. But in the time that passed, you’re not so sure anymore.
You could’ve been outside, playing with your friends, messing around doing all the stupid things you could think of as you do your best to neglect your homework. But instead, you’re sitting at home with your stomach churning, your mind racing, and your heart rending. The thought of doubting the townsfolk you grew up with, the people you cared for and learned to trust, made you hate yourself just as much as the fact that you’re unable to find your friend who’d gone missing. She wouldn’t want any of this, you’re sure of it. And it’s the only thing keeping you from doing something drastic.
Feeling powerless and isolated, the anxiety in your heart and mind became a constant presence ever since. It was worse in the beginning, a crippling thing that numbed your mind to everything but your worst thoughts. As time passed, it’s gotten slightly more bearable, or so you like to believe. It could just be that you’ve gotten better at lying to yourself. Even so, you never get used to it. And in some way, you’re glad you never do.
The sound of the clock ticking, the wind whispering through the chime hanging above your window, and the cicadas' rampant noise are all you have to accompany you as summer slowly reaches its end. Your eyes wander down the road, towards the woods you and your friends frequented as children. Perhaps you were hoping to catch a glimpse of her. You don’t know why. Maybe you want proof she’s still alive and that any second now, she’d be back. Or maybe you want the lack of it, so that you could start pushing her into your memory instead.
And yet you do? A glimpse, for sure, of a dark figure cloaked by the heat haze of summer’s days. Your heart jumps, beating rapidly as you lean forward, almost forgetting where you were sitting, but you were quick to latch on to the window and pull yourself back. You run downstairs, ignoring your mother’s calls in the living room as you hurriedly wear your shoes and leave the house. You run towards the woods in a panic as you make the turn, but you don’t see the dark figure you were confident you saw, yet your legs don’t stop.
How could you stop? You’ve been so desperately searching, after all. You want to make sure you aren’t just lying to yourself this time, that this isn’t just a hallucination out of sheer desperation. “The figure you saw is real,” you repeat in your mind like some sort of mantra.
You reach the edge of the woods, standing where one more step would lead you away from the light of the sun and into the shadows beneath the trees. Yet for some reason, you hesitate. “Just take the step,” you tell, nay, order yourself. You pause as you bask in the sun’s blazing heat, sweat running down your neck as you close your eyes during this internal struggle. Slowly, gingerly, anxiously, you lift your foot and take your first step into the woods. But before you could even set your foot down, you hear a voice you could never forget, forcing you to open your eyes wide in shock.
“I was hoping you’d come.”
You stand utterly astonished, your jaw hanging slack as your gaze locks on your friend's new appearance. She vanished without a trace for the entire summer, leaving everyone bewildered. Some whispered she must've met an untimely end, but now she's right here before you. Her once raven-black hair has transformed into a striking blend of white and black, and her golden-hued eyes fixate on you with an intriguing glint.
"I suppose it's hard to recognize me like this, huh?" Her voice carries a tinge of melancholy as she poses this question. You have myriad questions for her — what happened, where did you disappear to, are you safe?
Sensing your curiosity, she offers a gentle smile. "Just visiting to say goodbye," she softly murmurs.
Baffled, you try to speak but words come out as nothing more than stutters. After a few attempts that earned an amused giggle out of her, you finally speak with a forced smile on your face. “Aren’t you hot wearing clothes like that in this heat?”
Her eyes wander down, holding her hands behind her as she sways in place. Without meeting your eyes, she replies, “Aren’t you hot standing in the sun for that long?”
You laugh through your nose at her response. You always had a knack for avoiding the subject, for ignoring the elephant in the room. You scratch your head and look to the side. “You get used to it,” you softly say before looking her way again.
She still isn’t looking at you. She turns around instead, walking further into the woods as she beckons you with her hands behind her. You close your eyes and shake away the confusion filling your head. Sighing, you follow with a slight jog to catch up until you are walking beside her.
Your walk through the woods is silent despite all the questions you should’ve been asking. The only thing you hear are each other’s footsteps and the ambient forest.
“You’re not asking questions.”
You look at her, noticing that she’s still not facing you, before you train your eyes ahead of you once more. “You said you’re here to say goodbye after disappearing for all of summer. You’re kinda putting me on the spot here,” you reply in a slightly irritated tone. But you hold it back in fear of running high on your emotions. “I have a million questions but I don’t know which one to ask first.”
She looks away and shakes her head at you in disappointment. Sighing, she replies, “Really, Novelle? Still?”
“‘Still’ what?” You couldn’t help the irritation in your voice this time.
“Still indecisive as always,” she says with another sigh, sharing the irritated tone with you.
“You can’t blame me for that.”
“I don’t. But you can’t blame me for hating it either. With me disappearing without notice…” her voice has taken a more somber tone. “...I expected you to have pulled yourself together already…”
You click your tongue as you look away too. “Is that what this is about? Did you really just disappear without a trace just to teach me a fucking lesson? Come back looking like some Hot Topic poster girl and you think you’re hot shit? All is forgiven?” You’re surprised that you could speak to her with such venom like that. You’ve always bantered but it never reached this point. “A ‘sorry I disappeared and made you all think I’m dead!’ would’ve been nice!”
You expect her to slap you with tears coming out of her eyes. But when you hear hurried footsteps receding from you instead, you panic where you stand and start running too. “Wait! Shiori!”
“Shit!” You curse yourself as you chase after her. “Where are you going?!”
You chase her to a place where your familiarity with the woods ends and the oddness of a bizarre landscape begins. Shelves upon shelves of books towered over you. Looking up only showed that their peaks are hidden behind the clouds. Looking down showed you that the soil you were just running on had turned into wooden floorboards, creaking with every loud step you took, echoing as you went.
You shake your head at the absurdity of it in favor of chasing your friend, focusing on what’s more important to you. “Shiori! Damn it! What the hell is going on?!”
You almost lose sight of her when she turns into a corner. You turn there too, expecting to see her. You are greeted instead by stairs leading down. Unable to halt yourself in time, you slip and fall down each step until you reach the bottom of the flight. Groggily, you try to hold yourself up with your hands and elbows but you’re in too much pain and confusion to even hold your head up. So your head hits the floor with a painful thud, almost knocking you unconscious. The only thing you have going for you is the fact that you don’t feel that you’ve broken any bones on the way down.
“Novelle!” you hear her call out as hurried steps go towards you. You feel yourself being turned to your back as the last of your consciousness clings desperately. Your vision is a little blurry but you finally see her face again though it isn’t the sight you wanted to see. Tears run down her cheeks, falling onto yours as they ruin the mascara that adorns her face. Her golden eyes look upon you with great worry as her lips tremble. “I-I’m so sorry!”
You try to speak but you find it hard to even breathe.
“I…” she tries to speak between each sniffling and her grip on your shoulders tightens. “...I should’ve just told you from the beginning!”
You hear the sound of multiple things hitting the floorboards. Looking around, you notice that the shelves surrounding you are crumbling. The books fall as if emulating heavy rain, loud thuds almost drowning out the sobbing of your dearest friend.
“I just wanted to say goodbye! I didn’t want to give you a hard time!”
Your eyes turn back to Shiori’s face. Her eyes are now closed shut in anguish.
“I wanted you to ask! I wanted to see if you cared! To see if what I’m feeling for you isn’t just one-sided! So that I could leave you a memory!” She plucked something out of thin air, something blue, and she clenched it in between your hand and hers. “But I just wasted our time and even put you in danger!”
She presses her forehead against yours and whispers in deep frustration and melancholy. “Because I didn’t want you, of all people, of everyone I know and will know, to forget that I, Shiori Novella, exist…” The heat of her breath touches your cheeks.
You move your hand to pat her on the back of her head. She flinches at your touch only to press herself against you even more as her body trembles in her anguish. You want to say something, anything, but this is all you can do to comfort her.
“Why can’t you stay? What are you saying?” you wish so desperately to ask but, in your weakness, couldn’t.
“I’m sorry, Novelle. I’m sorry for my selfishness… but after this, you’ll be safe. I promise. You’ll be back in the woods, so don’t worry, okay?” She says, forcing a smile as she reassures you. “I’m so sorry… you don’t have to look for me, but please don’t forget me.”
Your eyes close as your consciousness drifts away.
“I’m sorry for hurting you,”
“You didn’t.”
“I’m sorry for leaving you like this,”
“Don’t go.”
“...but even so…”
“Please.”
You feel warm dampness touching your forehead for a moment.
“...I want to be selfish.”
And everything fades to black.
You wake up. You’re lying on the dirt path in the woods, confused as to how you got there in the first place. You look up and see that the sun has gone into the night. You don’t see the moon but you see its light filtered between the leaves.
You sit up with a hand on the ground to help you. You feel something soft and hard closed in your fist. You look at it — a blue quill pen — and suddenly, a vague memory hits you.
You close your eyes as you try your best to remember. A blurry recollection of a dark figure holding you close, as if desperately clinging on. There’s a pain in your chest you couldn’t explain but it was enough to force you to tears as you hug your knees and weep.
After some time, your tears stop yet your confusion doesn’t. Shaking your head, you opt to ignore it. You look at the blue quill pen in your hand again and the pain returns. So you shut your eyes and turn your head away as you swiftly pocket it. You don’t understand why you couldn’t just throw it away.
You return home, greeted by a worried mother. You throw yourself into bed, letting your exhaustion take over, falling asleep as soon as you close your eyes.
You wake up tired and weary the next day. You had to force yourself to sit at the side of your bed. Walking up to the mirror, you see that your eyes are puffy and red. It looks like you were crying in your sleep.
“Absurd,” you think dismissively.
You pat your pocket once again, making sure that the item you woke up with in the woods was real. You fetch it out and give it another look, prompting another wave of deep melancholy as tears form at the corner of your eyes, though they don’t fall this time. You shake your head again and decide to throw it into the trash bin.
But instead, you keep it in your drawer and lock it securely.
“Absurd.”