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Will Riker closed the PADD in hand and put it to the side; then, he moved it to the credenza behind his desk; then, to the desk drawer to his left.
He cleared the rest of his desk surface of errant PADD’s and pulled at his shirt, straightening it. With a quick glance at his reflection in the computer screen, he hastily ran his fingers through his hair and hand over his thick beard, mentally scolding himself for not trimming it that morning.
“Patricia,” he called over the intercom, “please see my next appointment in.”
He swallowed hard and tried to appear composed. His heart was beating at the rate of the warp core and he was nervous as hell. He knew she’d be part Betazoid, so he was using all his mental discipline to calm himself down so he wouldn’t make her uncomfortable.
The Admiral had negotiated five peace treaties, settled a hostage situation on M’Talas Prime and endured more battle situations than he would care to remember and none of them came close to how anxious he was for his next meeting.
His secretary walked through the door and as she entered Riker stood to prepare for the woman following him.
The young woman was tall with obsidian black hair, a loose braid falling over her shoulder and light, free curls framing her narrow face. Her dark blue eyes shone brightly with curiosity but held a great deal of maturity. At first glance he knew she was confident and she carried herself with the same pride her mother did.
The woman held a small wooden box and she surveyed the expansive office, her gaze landing on Riker.
“Admiral, Elise Troi-Bray. Ms Troi, Admiral William T. Riker,” Patricia introduced.
“Thank you,” Elise smiled to Patricia and took the seat offered to her.
Patricia nodded and left the room, but not before giving Riker a knowing look and compassionate grin.
Riker sat, clasping his hands on the desk surface.
The two stared awkwardly in silence, both waiting for the other to start. Due to circumstance and choices made many years ago, this was their first-time meeting.
Riker cleared his throat, “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Elise.”
“Likewise, Admiral.”
“Please, call me Will.”
Elise shifted in her seat, trying to get comfortable in a seemingly uncomfortable situation, “Ok, Will.”
The silence settled again.
“Am I right in assuming you know who I am?” she asked.
Riker nodded, “yes, I do.”
Elise smiled and nodded her head in the same fashion, “good.”
She adjusted the box on her lap and the movement caught Will’s attention. At first, he didn’t give it any thought, but at closer inspection he recognized the object – its solid oak detailed by an ornate flower surrounded by twisting green vines. He lost his breath at the memories it brought up, his heart tight in his chest. The box once belonged to his mother and Riker gave it to Deanna for 23rd birthday.
Images of a past life flashed before his eyes, moments in time he had buried deep down and dared to never think of at the risk of being consumed by regret.
Will and Deanna walking through the Rilla Gardens on Betazed. He plucked a wildflower for her, and she dried it to keep as a memento. He told her he loved her that afternoon.
The two of them sharing a bottle of Terrane champagne Riker had specially sent from Earth. She kept the cork and wrote the date to remember their first night together.
Will teaching Deanna how to play poker on a weekend away at her family cabin on Lake Curas- Deanna kept the deck of cards and the Starfleet issued socks Riker lost in a bet.
Elise sensed his distress and waited for him to work through what he was experiencing. Years of studying under her mother had taught her to let people experience their emotions in full before moving on or acknowledging them.
Will gave his head a shake and smiled feebly at Elise, “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that box.”
“I’m sure it has. My mother left it in my possession after…” she stopped, the sense of loss had been strong in the room, and she was now starting to feel it herself. Her time of personal counselling prepared her for this, but the deep sorrow hung like a thick fog, threatening to envelope her. She could tell Will had made the effort to appear at ease, but he was out of practice and his tired emotional state was starting to bleed over to her.
Elise composed herself, clearing her thoughts, and strengthening her mental barriers the way her mother and father taught her, “I’m sorry it took me so long to come here. As you can imagine, it’s been a challenging time, and this was the one visit I had been avoiding the most.”
“No need to apologize,” Will said, trying to comfort her. He knew she must still be hurting; the loss of Deanna was a tragic event that shook Starfleet to its very core, that shook him to his very core.
Being the head of the Psychology department gained Deanna a prestigious reputation - she had helped many officers through difficult times and trained majority of the ship’s councilors. Outside of that, she was a strong diplomatic officer, many of the new planet’s part of Starfleet were due in part to her work. The wave that was her career came to a crashing halt too suddenly and too soon.
“I lost my mother when I was very young. I didn’t get the chance to know her, but it was a loss I felt every day. I can’t imagine what you’re going through,” he stopped for a moment before carrying on, “I’m here if you need anything. Anything at all.”
Elise gestured to the box and placed it on his desk, “I thought you should have it. I found it at the back of her closet when I was a child and begged her to show me what was inside,” she chuckled at the memory, “I was adamant it was the Holy Rings and they were mine by right. When I found it after she passed, I opened it. I knew you were Imzadi, but I didn’t understand to what extent.”
Elise stopped, smiling at the memory, “I was 24 when she shared with me her past and who you were to each other. She told me the story of how you fell in love and became Imzadi while you were stationed on Betazed. She told me she found out she was pregnant after the incident on Nervala IV and how she thought – how everyone thought - you were dead.”
Elise frowned, her eyes narrowing and at the small change Riker saw himself in her. Deanna had offered to send him photos as she grew, but Will declined, deciding a clean cut was in everyone’s best interest.
He always imagined Elise would look like her mother, he never expected her to resemble him.
His breath caught and he knew she sensed what he was feeling.
“She told me about meeting my father a year after I was born and how he never resented her connection to you and loved me as his own from the very beginning. He was supportive when you were found and even encouraged her to reconnect, to have you be present in our lives.”
“Yes, I remember,” he interjected, “your father is a very noble man.”
“He is,” Elise felt a tinge of guilt at the mention of her father, the other man her mother built her life with and raised a child with.
“I would have been 7 when you were discovered. I’d always known my father wasn’t my biological father, it wasn’t something we discussed often but they had been honest with me at an early age. My mother told me about the day she saw you after you were rescued.”
Will remembered that day all too well, the day he was put back together and unceremoniously blown apart again. After the Waldorf rescued him, he’d been transferred to Star Base 74 for psychological evaluation, medical assessment, and future placement. Deanna was there waiting for him; it was as though a light had been turned on – he’d been looking for the switch but couldn’t find it and she did it for him.
“Deanna…” he whispered.
She crossed the room and embraced him without hesitation. In shock, he stood still, unable to comprehend how this was happening. Days and nights over the past 7 years went by and seeing her again, holding her close, was what got him through his darkest moments.
“I can’t believe it’s really you,” she whispered into his chest, tears streaming down her face.
He wrapped his arms around her and brought her closer, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He said into her hair, inhaling her scent and committing it to memory.
Deanna sobbed, a feed-back loop of raw, untethered emotion flowing between them. A circuit that was once broken, closed at their reunion.
They lost track of time, silently crying in each other’s arms, relishing at the comfort they had been missing for so long.
Deanna was the first to pull away, breaking the trance and bringing them both back to reality.
“How are you?” she asked, wiping her face.
Will smiled down at her, “Better now. The Waldorf was fast, but it felt like an eternity to get here.”
She chuckled, “I don’t doubt it. We should sit down; we have a lot to talk about…”
“She said the connection had faded when you were lost, but the minute she saw you again it had come to life. I understand why you had to walk away, why you chose not to be part of our lives. It must have been very hard to feel that sort of love, but not be able to have it the way you did before…”
Riker flinched and felt his heart tighten at her acceptance of the cold truth. Regret was a feeling he was well acquainted with and after Deanna died, he struggled to climb out of a pit of self-loathing, wishing he had done things differently, wishing he had accepted her offer to be part of their lives, to see his daughter grow up, to at least be friends with the woman he loved so deeply.
“Please don’t regret your choices, Will.” She said quickly, sensing his remorse, “I don’t fault you or harbor any resentment. The trauma you experienced was unique and you needed time to heal. You were no longer the man you were when you left and coming back to such drastic changes must have been a blow to your reality. Please, don’t dwell on the past. I had a good life; my father is a good man and he raised me well. He loved my mother fiercely and we were happy.”
Riker felt the sting of jealousy, but quickly dismissed it: he always wanted Deanna to be happy and was glad to know Elise was taken care of. It took him a long time to come to terms with losing the love of his life and their daughter all in one moment. He felt cheated, like life had taken a hammer to his hopes and dreams and shattered them into a million pieces.
But as time went on and he found solace in the idea that things happen for a reason, he found new purpose in Starfleet and focused on his work, his new goal of becoming the youngest Admiral in the fleet within reach if he worked hard enough.
He often thought of Deanna and their child but didn’t dwell – he knew they were happy and that was all that mattered.
“You’re very insightful for someone of what, 27…28?” Will smiled affectionately.
Elise shrugged her shoulders, “You would be too if you had a mother who was half Betazoid and a father who was full. I’ve also studied and worked very hard to get to where I am now.”
They shared a smile together, feeling the room become warmer at how easy it was to talk to the one other.
“My mother told me you remarried. Did you have any children?”
“No, no children,” he paused, “Arza and I divorced some time ago.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. She deserved better. I tried to make it work but,” he shrugged, “it wasn’t in me. My heart wasn’t in it.”
She understood his meaning and took pity on him. The few times she felt the sorrow of love lost from her mother was a sad experience and now she was sensing the same from Riker but compounded with the weight of grief and regret.
She took a moment, gathering the courage it took to be blatantly honest, “Along with bringing the box to you, I wanted to explain why I didn’t try to meet you sooner.”
Will stayed silent, allowing her to carry on without interruption and eager to hear what she had to say, “You see, growing up I was always very aware of my mother’s emotions – we’d spent a great deal of time on Betazed with my father’s family and my mother was happy to raise me on their planet – so I was endlessly coached on coping with other people’s emotional state,”
Will smiled weakly, feeling sympathetic for the girl. Deanna shared with him in detail about her struggles growing up on Betazed as a non-telepath. While she could communicate with other telepaths, she was still different, and she went to great lengths to find her place in the community.
“I was also trained at an early age how to keep balance and harmony within myself and support others. My mother had bad days here and there, but my father was always there to help her, to guide her through the sadness. I learned a lot from him.”
Elise smiled sadly, remembering a particularly difficult morning.
Slowly waking up, Elise was flooded with emotions of sadness, longing, and guilt. She sensed it was her mother and hastily made her way from her room to her parents.
“Mother…” she said gently, opening the door slowly, the sound of quiet sobs greeting her as she entered.
She walked softly into the bright room, the morning sun shining warmly through the large bay windows. Her mother and father shared a bedroom, but the décor was clearly her mother’s design. Paintings of local artists hung on the walls and stunning flowers from the garden sat in vases on all the surfaces. The bed had been made and her father had already left for the university.
“Mother are you ok?” she approached Deanna slowly, not wishing to startle her. She was sitting at her vanity, her back to the door and a small oak box open on her lap.
Deanna hastily wiped away the tears and closed the box, placing it on the vanity.
Elise recognized the box and knew it was deeply personal to her mother – what could she be looking at that would cause her to be so upset? She wondered.
“Darling, I’m sorry, did I wake you?” she started as she turned around.
Her face was tear streaked and eyes were red. She was accustomed to seeing her mother cry, they never shied away from showing deep feelings, but Elise could sense something different in these tears, something she couldn’t confidently identify, and she could sense her mother was trying to block her.
“It’s fine,” Elise said soothingly, “are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?” Elise knelt at her feet and took her hands.
Elise had been studying with her father at the University. Her plans of becoming a Starfleet councilor on track and her master’s degree in psychology close at hand. Top of her class, Elise didn’t shy away from emotionally challenging moments, especially when it concerned her mother.
Deanna shook her head softly, “You are so wonderfully sensitive. Thank you for the comfort, but I’ll be fine. Just feeling… sad.”
A tender smile crossed Deanna’s face. She stared into Elise’s blue eyes and the smile faded, melancholy breaking through her barriers. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and cupped her face.
“It’s about my biological father, isn’t it?” Elise surmised. A few times during her life Deanna would stare at her and drift off, her mind usually an open book to her, but during these moments she closed her out and Elise assumed she was thinking about him.
Deanna inhaled shakily and kissed the girl on the cheek, “I’m sorry.”
Elise shook her head, “Don’t be, mother. I know you love father, and we are happy. You suffered a terrible loss. I’m sure he’s a good man and he loved you very much.”
An errant tear fell over Deanna’s cheek. The night before Deanna had shared with Elise her history with Will, telling her the story of their love. It was emotionally draining for both women, but they both felt freer and closer to each other afterwards. However, Deanna was left with the reminder of what she worked so hard to move on from and that night she tossed and turned, images of Will running through her mind and dreams of what could have been haunting her sleep.
“One day, when you’re ready, I’d love to know more about him. And perhaps, when we’re all ready, we can meet.” Elise smiled, trying to console her mother and help her through the pain.
She nodded in agreement, “Yes, when we’re ready.”
They shared a tender embrace and Elise kissed her mother on the head, “come on then – Grammy will be here shortly and we’re off to breakfast.”
Deanna stood and hugged her daughter once more. She tried not to feel guilty for placing the burden of comforting a parent on her daughter, but she knew Elise could handle it and didn’t begrudge her for it.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Anytime,” Elise said back. They walked out of the bedroom together, Deanna’s heart healing with the help of her daughter.
Elise’s heart ached, the longing to hold her mother one last time overwhelming her. She embraced the sensation, like her father taught her, and gathered up the strength her mother would have wanted her to have.
“While there were days I longed to know more about you, I knew I wasn’t ready. My mother and father would have supported it, but I wanted to respect the choices you all made. I knew this day would come; though I wasn’t expecting it under these circumstances.”
The grief she succumbed to when her mother died consumed her and while she still found herself struggling to shake the sadness, sitting here with her biological father, the man her mother loved with all her heart, she could feel that lingering sorrow starting to dissipate.
“I always felt a connection to you, you know,” she said warmly, “I could always sense an Imzadi bond through her but knew she didn’t share that with my father. When my mother shared with me your history, I realized I was sensing you through her.”
Elise furrowed her brow, the sensitive, distinctive nature of their situation amazing her the more she analyzed it with Riker in her presence, “when my mother died on that transport, I felt her go. It was like someone blew out a candle, but I could still smell the smoke. Over time the smoke has disappeared, and I’ve been trying to cope with the loss of both her and something I didn’t know I had until it was gone.”
Will remained silent, sensing there was more.
“Which is why,” she began again, “I’m here now. My father thinks if you and I connect, we can help each other heal. Help each other find a new connection to my mother.”
Elise fidgeted with the hem of her shirt; nervous Will might not receive her honesty in the way she hoped he would. She took a great risk being so open and straightforward, but if he was the man her mother led her to believe, he would accept her offer and they could both find what they were looking for.
“I could sense you too, you know,” Riker finally said after a moment, “when your mother and I decided to go our separate ways our Imzadi link weakened and eventually faded to a dull hum. But there were days, usually my darkest ones, when I tried hard enough, I could sense something. At first, I thought it was Deanna, but over time I came to understand it was you and it made me feel whole again, less hollow.”
Elise’s eyes shone, humbled and grateful, “thank you for sharing that with me.”
Silence fell upon them; a heavy weight having been lifted and an air of comfort left in its place.
Riker stood and walked to the bookcase opposite the desk. He took a small book from the shelf and smiled affectionately as he opened the cover to the first page.
“Your mother,” he started as he walked towards her, “gave me this book before I left for the Potemkin.”
Ode to Psyche Elise read as he handed her the book.
To Will,
All my love,
Deanna.
“I fell in love with your mother fast and hard. She changed my life and for that I will forever be grateful,” he sat on the edge of desk opposite Elise.
“Did you know you are named after my mother?” Will asked her.
Elise flipped through the pages of the book and mindlessly nodded, “I did. My mother said she didn’t know a lot about her, just what you had shared with her during your time together. I’m proud to have her name – Elisabeth sounds like she was a wonderful woman.”
Another wave of regret washed over Riker. What he wouldn’t have given to tell Elise himself about his mother, what his father had told him about the woman he never got to know. Riker tried not to feel bad for himself – he was robbed of a mother at a young age and later in life, his Imzadi remarried and raised their child with another man while he was left for dead on a remote planet.
“It would be easy to succumb to the pain, Will. The injustice of it all is...bullshit,” she scoffed bitterly, lack of a better word escaping her, “but you persevered. You took your hits and kept going. You’re a strong man and I know my mother thought the world of you – I could feel it every time she looked at me.”
Elise placed a comforting hand on Will’s as a single tear fell down his cheek. He wiped it away with the back of his hand.
She offered him the book, but he held up his hand, “please, I’d love for you to have it. Consider it a trade.”
Elise took the book back, happy for the gift, “thank you.”
Again, they fell into silence. Neither of them sure what the next move would be.
“I hope this means we can become friends?” Elise asked, standing to meet Will.
He examined her features closer, not shying away from the intimate nature of it.
She had Deanna’s nose and lips, the shape of her face was sharp and beautiful likes hers too, but she had his eyes. And when she smiled, it spread across her face, the same way it did with his.
“Yes, I’d like that very much.”
Not wanting to assume, Will held out his hand as a parting gesture. Elise looked down and stifled a laugh, the formality of the action contradicting the intense, personal conversation they just had.
She pushed his hand away and closed the gap between them, wrapping her arms around his middle and embracing him. She laid her head on his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Both appreciating the ease at which it came.