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"Okay, Morty, I'll bite. The fuck's your deal?"
"My deal," said Morty, waving his hands, "is that you left me in this stupid casino for four whole days! In fact, that phrasing sucks! Don't ask me what my deal is, I-I've had it up to HERE with deals in the past 96 hours, Rick!"
Rick took a few gulps of whiskey and swirled the glass, ice clinking as he carefully considered his next words. Then he burped.
"Bad luck at Frisolean craps again, huh?"
"The - the other guy literally bribed the dice, Rick."
"Uh, yeah, that's literally part of the game?" Rick mocked him.
"W-well when you said they were sentient, I didn't think that meant they were corrupt--"
"We're in a casino, a-and one backed by the mob at that. These people make Tony Montana look like a, like a kid shooting spitballs in class, Morty. Of course the dice cheat."
"Sure, sure," Morty mumbled. "What were you doing, anyway?"
"Oh, now you're interested. If you have to know, Morty, I bet you as collateral in a game of poker."
"You what?!"
"Yeah, it didn't go well for me either, obviously, so let's not think too hard about that one."
"Didn't go well for you? I got hauled off to some random cell and they wouldn't even tell me where you were," Morty huffed.
Rick rolled his eyes. "It was the only way, okay? They - the only bets they'd accept were living beings. You know the trope. Half of 'em put their wives on the line, so."
"So now I have to be grateful that I'm just your grandson? I, I might as well be your - uh.."
"Might as well be what, Morty? My little wife?"
"I - you drag me around and subject me to all this, and I have to stroke your ego whenever it doesn't go exactly how you want it, and--"
"Yeah? What are you - what's your point here, huh?"
"All I'm saying is, maybe now I know what Mom is complaining ab--"
"Oh no, I'll be stopping you right the fuck there, 'cause it'll reach absolute zero in hell before I let you compare me to goddamn Jerry."
Morty just sighed and sipped his gergonberry juice. Rick leaned against the wall beside him in unnerving silence until at last he said, "Alright, Morty, you made a real convincing argument just now."
"I did?"
"Yup. No point in waiting any longer. Let's get married."
"Rick?!"
"I'm not kidding, Morty. You apparently think I'm as bad as the rest of these assholes, so I should be able to wager my wife in a card game with the worst of ‘em."
"This - this is what I was talking about! This is the ego thing!" cried Morty.
"You're the one who suggested this, Morty, so I don't wanna hear it. I'm just picking up what you're putting down, you know."
"Oh, god," Morty said, realizing what he'd done, but Rick wasn't listening to him anymore. He was busy scanning space Amazon and creating a registry. "You're - you don't have to make this a big thing, do you?"
"Thank you for talking to Rick," said Rick. "Alright, let's do this! Wedding episode, take two! This time without the feds fucking it up! Rick and Morty, hundred-year anniversary dot com!!"
"God dammit," said Morty.