Work Text:
WHAT DIES INSIDE OF US
“Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell really cares.“
She held the bullet between her thumb and forefinger, staring at it blankly, devoid of any emotion. She turned it almost imperceptibly, making it shine in the artificial light of the chandelier. She wondered how such a small and insignificant object could have taken away first her father and now James, her other father. Apparently the fate of her fathers was to drop like flies with holes in their bodies.
It had been two weeks since James had died, killed by that bastard who claimed he had a score to settle with him and had come back to settle the score. In those fourteen long days she had gone through different phases: she had become desperate, she had cried, she had gotten angry, she had looked for answers to her questions that in the end she had not found, she had given up and then she had turned off herself. The pain, the anger, the desire to seek justice had vanished. She no longer felt anything, she could no longer feel alive. She had transformed into an automaton.
She had spent the first days of that apathy on the sofa at home staring at an indefinite point with her mind empty and unable to react. Shuichi and Camel hadn't left her alone for a moment, but she had barely noticed. They were there, but she couldn't see them. They spoke to her, but she couldn't hear them.
James was dead and she was dead with him.
After those days in a vegetative state, one night she felt the need to go to the crime scene. She had suddenly woken up and a voice in her head had pushed her to get dressed and walk through the dark streets of New York like a ghost, until she reached that piece of asphalt where the outline of the body was still traced, where the halo of blood had dried but had not disappeared, where all around there were still yellow ribbons with the words "crime scene do not cross".
She had remained there for an indefinite time staring at all of this, without thinking about anything, until she heard Shuichi's voice behind her as he very calmly invited her to come home with him.
The next day she felt the need to return to that place again. Hers wasn’t masochism, but a desperate attempt to feel alive, to experience human emotions like in the past.
Again she remained staring at the shape that outlined James' body, in that unnatural position, until Shuichi returned to take her home.
That evening wouldn’t be different either. She slowly got up from the couch clutching that bullet in her hand and walked to the door. She went out into the street and guided by some strange inexplicable force of attraction she reached the crime scene. She opened her palm and stared again at that bullet, trying to imagine how James must have felt when that little piece of metal penetrated his flesh, destroying tissue and blood vessels, finally reaching his heart. He must have felt excruciating pain, the kind of pain that even makes you cry. She tried to feel that same pain, to put herself in James' shoes during his final moments of life. She couldn't. She should have been angry, but she wasn't. Something inside her had turned off and she couldn't find the button to turn it back on.
She stared at the bullet a little longer until she heard footsteps approaching. She didn't turn away or feel afraid: she knew exactly who he was by now. He probably kept an eye on her and followed her, worried that something might happen to her. He always rushed to save her, that man she loved so much that he warmed her heart. Yet at that moment she couldn't even feel that old love anymore. She had always accused him of being too cold and now she had become even worse than him.
Shuichi stood beside her, looked with displeasure at that scene which must have been painful even for someone like him and delicately took the bullet from her hand, putting it in his jacket pocket. He then put his arm around her shoulders and invited her to follow him.
- Come on, Jodie. Let's go home-
AUTHOR'S CORNER
Forgive me for this so dark story but my mood yesterday (when I wrote it) pushed me to choose to write this one among the many that I have pending in my fanfiction folder.
The idea is taken from the opening sentence, which is a quote from One Tree Hill (by now you know that I have a thing for that TV show). I wanted to describe Jodie falling into apathy after James' death, which was too painful to bear.
Even if it's heartbreaking, I hope you enjoy it anyway.
Thanks to everyone who will read.