Work Text:
“to burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”
― federico garcía lorca, blood wedding and yerma
for taehyung, camaraderie means everything. partly the reason why he gets along with a lot of people and no, it’s not for a huge social circle but rather for cancelling out the cacophony that threatens to rise every now and then in his head. with more friends come more parties and gatherings - leaving no space for contemplating just about anything. he loves the buzz of talking to people and taking part in nonsensical talks just so to avert the gaping hole in his chest that makes him feel void and numb. the disassociation from his own emotions and being is what he considers to be beautiful like the blue seas and the purple sky that touch but not merge.
while he tends to slip into pessimism, there is only one person who could ever be the hand of god- jimin. Every droop in smile, every small tear that falls down the cliff of taehyung’s face, every twitch in the eyes from the bright, old self doubt is understood by jimin.
feeling unbothered when vehemence of sentiments is considered, is his custom. but beautiful jimin seems to make himself an exception.
jimin, the angel he is. jimin with whom he is in love, madly in love. also jimin, who doesn’t have a clue about his feelings because taehyung keeps it hidden inside the chest pockets, all sealed away.
there are moments of utter weakness where he is swayed by his wavering emotions and end up flirting because jimin is just so hot, it’s hard not to. and mesmerizingly jimin would flirt back shamelessly bringing the ego in him to think that there are chances his love might not be unrequited after all.
but it’s sad how the way jimin flirts with him is analogous to how he flirts with the audience and he absolutely abhors that. he wants it to be distinct, special and only for him - like a rare, custom made suit truly fit from top to the bottom.
that’s not it, in one of their late night conversations all cuddled up in bed, the alluring smell of clean detergent from the sheets wrapping him safe from jimin’s impending words; he says in a very hushed tone like it’s a secret he wants only taehyung to know.
“sometimes i see myself having a wife and two cute kids, settling down one day. being a dad and not always going for performances and award shows but rather be there in full presence for my family. sometimes as much as i love what i’m doing, there is this feeling to be normal, you know? Just do normal, mundane stuff. The makeup chokes me, the cameras and flashes blind me even with the shades on. it’s just too much and giving up feels so much easier. a true relationship feels like a warm hug that i so badly want.”
to make it even worse, jimin’s hands travel through the dense roots of taehyung’s hair and he tries his best to not whimper.
taehyung circles his hands over jimin and engulfs him in a big hug, all sincere and warm just like how he wanted it. he thinks he is doing a good job being synonymous to the true relationship jimin just told he wants with this gesture.
“i can give that to you, jimin-ah”
“not from you gomdori, you are my best friend”, he giggles.
his giggles resonate inside taehyung’s chest and resembles his own heart crushing piece by piece.
the realization of how jimin wants to have a family of his own and is so sure of what he wants his future to look like brutally murders and ceases taehyung’s love for him, like tearing heartfelt letters of cherished memories and flushing it down the drain to never get it back.
he wanted a wife, not taehyung.
the pain was scathing but he manages to let out some coherent words for which he is thankful, instead of whining out an embarassing “why not me?”
“you are an amazing person, you will find someone with time. now don’t sound so gloomy and worry your pretty little head over it. cuddle time, third level please?”
jimin seems to be happy with the request and gives him just that. the tightest, most devastating embrace.
a little later Taehyung whispers, “ i love you, you know that right? you deserve the world.”
jimin kisses his forehead amidst the curls, “i love you more. and you, you deserve the stars and the moon.”
“but i want to be the sun though.”, taehyung pouts in the dark.
“then you won’t be near me and i don’t like that.”
taehyung hugs him even tighter and smells comfort. jimin is comfort even if he is misery personified. ironic how he gets solace from the genesis of sadness.
“we are close, but just not the way i want it.”, taehyung let’s himself think, hands shaking.
the night is wasted with huge, muffled tears with the pillow cover being soaked wet. his chest feels constricted and heavy, taking a deep breath in between always a reminder of how he doesn't want to pass out from asphyxiation. he feels remorse for being weak right when Jimin is so close to him but his dejection outweighs the guilt.
taehyung realizes the hard way that night that some things don’t necessarily work out. falling in love is for the lucky, and cherishing the bloom of reciprocity only a chance for a few.
some days even with that thought in his head he ends up staring at Jimin because he is so heavenly, adorning all the imperfections. he often finds himself lucky to be able to see him as not what he showcases to the world but as park jimin.
his crooked teeth, the way he falls over someone when he finds something really humorous, laughing with his entire body spasming in a rhythmic dance, his tiny fingers that taehyung could easily swallow with just one hand, his eyes shaped as a crescent moon in the night sky when he smiles.
jimin, oh lovely Jimin, taehyung’s moon.
sometimes what hurts even more is being his best friend and getting to hear everything about his romantic rendezvous as if it is a harsh reminder to taehyung that jimin, the sole reason for his happiness, is completely straight.
“she seemed nice today too and guess what she loves art just like you, we ended up talking about claude monet and gustav klimt till the very end. I thought we would get bored after some time but she was just so sweet and didn’t act as if i’m someone famous even now. it felt so normal and wow didn’t that feel great!”, jimin says with a smile so blinding after he is back from the fifth date with the same girl.
“even i like art, i love art. we can talk about it for long too. please love me like i love you.”
it rings inside his head on repeat, the frustration of wanting to be in place of the girl being so bad.
many could ask why not confess, it’s not that simple. the fear of losing a friendship of a life’s worth for feelings for a very straight man is not an ideal solution, in practical senses.
days of relentless pining makes him realize that some don’t get what they are hungry for, the need to settle down slowly becomes prevalent. once there is acceptance of that realization, then comes the motive to find space for someone else. the coerced acceptance makes you feel suffocated initially but then it gradually becomes a part of you, like a new haircut that initially looks sharp at the edges but grows to look rather fine later on.
taehyung knows jimin will never be his.
that there is no way he can be touched by him. no way to know what their lips waltzing will feel like, or the union of golden skins, the feeling of raw, tight muscle beneath his hands. what it would be like to be under Jimin and hear those beautiful pants filled with fervor and devotion. or what it would be like to hold hands and walk down the streets, share secret kisses and giggles. what it would be like to cuddle after their highs and be told that he looks pretty and being blessed with kisses at each insecurity that weighs him down and do the same back to him.
he would love to worship and be worshipped by jimin.
maybe in another lifetime, if the creator of stories and destinies allow he prays fervently to be one with jimin,till then he shall believe acceptance of love being unrequited is better than waiting with tears and misery.
taehyung knows jimin will never be his. and eventually, it is fine.
“there comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”― shannon l. alder