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“Hijikata-san! Okita-san!”
Shinpachi broke into a run, waving an arm over his head, and was relieved to see the two men turn around.
“Shinpachi?”
“Hey,” Shinpachi said, slowing as he approached, “I’m glad I caught you guys.”
“Yeah, good timing, we were just about to head back.”
“Do you need something?”
“Gin-san sent me to ask you for a favor.”
Hijikata’s expression immediately darkened, and Shinpachi knew he was wondering what kind of trouble Gintoki had got himself into now.
“What kind of favor?”
“Here, he wrote it down.”
Shinpachi offered Hijikata a note. Hijikata took it with a frown and unfolded it, squinting a little in the midday sun.
“How’s your sister’s vacation going?” Okita asked Shinpachi conversationally while he read.
“Sounds great, from what she said on the phone. She and Kyubei-san are having so much fun that they already extended their original stay by a couple of days, but they should be back sometime next week.”
“Kondo-san’s been going crazy.”
“Oh, I b-”
“Shinpachi,” Hijikata interrupted, “what does this mean, about him being in the hospital?”
“Oh, that. It’s nothing serious this time, Hijikata-san. We think.”
“You think?”
“Yeah, mostly sure.”
“What does he say, exactly?” Okita said, his brow furrowing with concern.
“Says he needs to pick something up, but can’t make it because he’s in the hospital, so he wants me to get it instead and bring it to him.”
“We got hired for a courier job,” Shinpachi explained, “and this gang of thugs tried to jump us and steal what we were supposed to deliver. But they only got a decoy. The real one is at the bank in a safety deposit box, but the security guard there won’t let Kagura or I take it out.”
“Are you absolutely sure that going to the bank should be the first priority right now?”
“Yeah, what’s he in the hospital for?”
“Blood test. One of the thugs tried to poison him. But he says he feels fine, so I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.”
Hijikata sighed, refolding Gintoki’s note and putting it in his pocket.
“Alright. Sougo, I’m gonna take the car around to the bank and get the thing. Shouldn’t take long. In the meantime, do you mind swinging by the hospital? Get some more details from Gintoki, see if there’s anything we need to be worried about going on. Then we can ride back together after.”
“Sure, fine. See you guys later, then.”
“Come on, Shinpachi. No, you sit up front- I want to hear the full version of the story.”
Shinpachi slid into the passenger seat of the patrol car as indicated, pointed Hijikata in the direction of the particular bank they were headed to, and tried to think of a way to explain the full situation that wouldn’t cause Hijikata to completely panic.
“So you got this job,” Hijikata prompted him.
“Yes. We were hired by a noble family up north to transport a family heirloom of theirs back to Edo. It’s gold, kind of shaped like an egg, and covered in precious jewels. I don’t know what the history or significance of it is, I just know that one of their daughters is getting married and she’s inheriting it as a wedding present.”
“So that’s what we’re going to pick up? This egg?”
“Yes.”
“Uh huh. Ok, walk me through what happened on the way back to Edo.”
“Our employer warned us that they thought somebody might try to take it from us. The roads in that area have been infested with bandits for a long time, apparently, and it was pretty common knowledge that this marriage was about to happen. Rather than just sending a servant, and risking having their egg stolen, they wanted to hire somebody who could defend themselves if necessary.”
“So you ran into some bandits, then?”
“Yes. They were very organized,” Shinpachi recalled, “almost more like a mercenary group than a random group of thugs.”
“I’m guessing they were also very skilled, if one of Edo’s greatest swordsmen is in the hospital today because of them.”
“Ummm… yes and no,” Shinpachi shrugged, filing that comment away to tell Kagura later. He knew she’d be interested to hear that Hijikata had said that about Gintoki, and in such a casual manner, too.
“What do you mean by that?”
“They were pretty average fighters. They had numbers on us, which they used to their advantage to split us up from each other. I was a bit preoccupied, but from what I understand, Gin-san took out most of the ones that were attacking him and was about to go help Kagura when one of them stepped in to challenge him. He was bragging on and on about how he’d distilled his own poisons and coated his blade with them.”
“Poison, huh...”
“Yes, so he says. He cut Gin-san on his arm.” Shinpachi held up his own arm and indicated where Gintoki had been sliced along his bicep. “But Gin-san said he didn’t feel anything unusual. We took him to the hospital this morning just to get checked out. You know, just in case it’s a slow acting poison, or something.”
“Probably a smart move.”
“But when the main house heard that we were actually attacked, they wanted to move up the delivery. So we need to get that egg back, so we can give it to them.”
“Which brings us full circle, I suppose. Turn’s coming up, isn’t it?”
“Yes, just the next block.”
“Alright. Anything else you can tell me about the bandits?”
“Ummm… They must have spent a long time following us and planning their attack, I think. By the time they actually made a move, we could see the Edo skyline. I thought it would be best to let them get the box with the decoy in it, because by the time they realized their mistake, we’d already be home.”
“So you went from there to the bank with the real one, and then to the hospital, is that right?”
“Yep.”
“Ok. Thanks for telling me all that.”
“Sure. Thanks for helping.”
Hijikata pulled up to the front of the bank and put the car in park. Through the floor-to-ceiling glass doors, Shinpachi could see the same security guard he’d run into earlier cross her arms and scowl.
“Wait here, I’ll be back in a second,” Hijikata said.
“She’s not very cooperative, Hijikata-san.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Hijikata strolled confidently into the bank and approached the dark-complexioned guard, with her crisp uniform and shiny-brimmed hat. Shinpachi continued watching through the glass as he began to explain why he’d come. The guard cut him off with a sharp hand gesture and shook her head. Shinpachi could practically hear her repeating, for the umpteenth time, the bank’s policy concerning deposit boxes. ‘Only the person whose name is on the checkout form or their immediate family has access.’
Seeing as the guard had staunchly refused to accept either Shinpachi or Kagura as Gintoki’s immediate family, Shinpachi was curious what Gintoki thought Hijikata would be able to do about this situation. He wasn’t the kind of person to throw his weight around, which was one thing Shinpachi really respected about him.
Hijikata argued with the guard for a few more moments, but she didn’t seem to be budging. Shinpachi saw Hijikata raise his hand to his breast- Shinpachi couldn’t see what he was doing clearly, but he seemed to be reaching into his inside jacket pocket? He showed something to the guard, who raised her eyebrows, and finally relented, standing aside to let Hijikata pass.
Well well, maybe Gintoki’s instincts had been right. Hijikata had been able to do it, after all!
Another few moments later, Hijikata returned with a crumpled plastic bag in his hand.
“Here you go,” he said, “one egg.”
“Thank you, Hijikata-san!”
“Yeah, yeah, sure thing. Buckle up, next stop hospital.”
They found Okita together with Kagura in the parking lot.
“Hey, Toshi,” Kagura waved as they got out of the car. “Didja get it?”
“Yeah, we got it.”
“Oh, good, thanks. Was that guard a jerk to you, too? I was just saying-”
“Yes, painting a very unflattering picture of a woman just trying to do her job.”
“Shut up!”
“Oh, come on, you two, don’t start. Kagura, how’s Gintoki?”
“Fine, last time I checked. Just being a baby about having to have his blood drawn to be tested. You can see him, if you want, he’s in room 105.”
“Alright. I would like to get his side of the story, actually. It sounds like you guys were attacked very close to Edo, and that’s-”
“Hold on a second here, Hijikata-san,” Okita said, eyes narrowed in suspicion, “how did you get into that safety deposit box?”
“Huh? I just explained the situation a little bit, that’s all,” Hijikata said, playing it cool. Playing it cool was an essential skill when dealing with Okita- he took any hint of emotion as a sign of weakness to be exploited. And when Kagura was around? Those two could be a dangerous combination.
“That’s such bullshit!” Kagura exclaimed. “Shinpachi and I explained it for, like, fifteen minutes, and she still wouldn’t let us in!”
“Maybe an explanation just means more coming from an officer than two random kids?” Hijikata shrugged irritably. “Anyway, isn’t the important thing that we got-”
“I saw him pull something out of his inside jacket pocket and show it to the guard,” Shinpachi interrupted.
Hijikata glowered at Shinpachi for interfering. Okita looked thrilled.
“Oho! So you were lying, Hijikata-san?”
“No-”
“Why did you lie, Hijikata-san!”
“I didn’t-”
“Let me see this-”
“Hey, back off!”
Hijikata moved to block Okita as he approached, but Kagura grabbed him from behind and pinned his arms behind his back.
“Hey! Kagura, let go!”
“Should’ve just told us from the beginning, Toshi! Now, hold still-”
“Sougo, stop that!”
“No good,” Okita scowled, “the only thing in this pocket is that stupid mayo lighter… hey, what’s that?”
Hijikata attempted to twist around, but Kagura kept him firmly in place as Okita reached out and pulled out a thin chain from where it had been hidden underneath his shirt collar.
From the chain dangled a simple, plain silver ring.
“...I never took you for a jewelry person, Hijikata-san,” Okita said, and the tone of his voice sent a chill down Hijikata’s spine. They’d triggered full sadistic mode now, and Okita was running through exactly how he could use this new development to torture Hijikata, he was sure.
“A ring?” Kagura asked curiously, finally letting go of Hijikata’s arms. “What do you need that for?”
“I’m more interested in who it’s from! My my, Hijikata-san, you certainly have been keeping some secrets, haven’t you? Who gave you this?”
“Sougo-”
“And you showed this to the security guard and told her it was Danna’s? So she’d let you in the box, as his spouse? Pretty sneaky, Hijikata-san!”
Shinpachi gasped so dramatically that Hijikata half expected him to keel over on the pavement.
“Wait, wait, wait… if it was a lie, then… how did Gin-san know to call Hijikata-san in the first place?”
For a moment, they all just stood where they were, looking back and forth amongst each other.
“Toshi, that ring’s not from Gin-chan, is it?”
“Nooooo, that would be absurd!” Okita said, grinning from ear to ear. “Right, Hijikata?”
“I’m going inside,” Hijikata snapped, shouldering past Okita and stalking off.
“He’s dodging the question! Toshi, answer to these allegations right now!”
Kagura, Okita, and Shinpachi followed Hijikata down the sidewalk, through the hospital’s front doors, and up the stairs to the second floor, all clamoring loudly for answers. In response, Hijikata deliberately walked past the floor’s nurses’ station, where an angry woman in scrubs stepped in to scathingly chastise them for making so much noise. Hijikata took advantage of her intervention to slip away down the hall and into Gintoki’s room.
“Oi, Gintoki.”
“Oh, hey Toshirou.”
Gintoki was sitting up in bed, on top of the blankets, leaning casually back against the wall with the hospital tv remote in his hand. Hijikata didn’t see any bandages or blood or other signs of injury, as he had half expected he would.
“You look ok to me. How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” Gintoki shrugged. “My arm kinda hurts, but I feel fine, really.”
“But they still want to keep you here?”
“Seiza-san said she wanted to do a blood test, and that it should only be a few hours. Did Shinpachi tell you one of them tried to poison me?”
“Yes, but he seemed to think that was just talk.”
“Well, I think so too, but if Seiza-san says we need to run a test first, then we run a test first. It would be nice to be sure, considering it is my blood in question, here.”
“Either way, I’m glad you’re feeling alright,” Hijikata sighed, sinking into one of the low, uncomfortable hospital chairs by the bedside. “Sounds like it could have been a lot worse.”
“Hey.” Gintoki powered off the tv, frowning at Hijikata. “You ok?”
“I’m fine, but-”
“You got the egg, right?”
“Yes, I got the egg.”
“Oh, good. Then, what?”
“Shinpachi apparently saw me show the security guard my ring, and he decided to tell Sougo and Kagura about it.”
Gintoki blinked. Hijikata scowled and just shrugged.
“...Why were you showing the guard your ring?”
“Because spouses have access to each other’s boxes? Isn’t that why you called me?”
“No, dude! You were just supposed to pull rank on her, or something!”
“That’s illegal, Gintoki.”
“So, they know? What did you say to them?”
“Nothing,” Hijikata sighed again. “Didn’t know what to say. Still, though, I think we both knew we would have to have this conversation with them one day, don’t you?”
“‘We’? What ‘we’? I’m climbing out the window! You can come too, but you gotta go fast, before Seiza-san gets back.”
“No, no, we’re not going out the window. Sit down.”
“I think you underestimate the amount that Shinpachi and Kagura are about to overreact to this situation. It’s not going to be pretty, and I, for one, don’t want to be in the room when the girl with super strength finds out I’ve been keeping this secret from her for the past however long.”
“It’s Sougo I’m more worried about, frankly.”
“Oh, shit, you’re right. Come on, let’s just-”
“Hey, Toshi! You in here?”
“Kondo-san?” Hijikata frowned as Kondo entered the room, waving cheerily. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, Sougo called me and updated me on the situation a while ago, with Kagura’s help. By the way, what’re they so upset about out there?”
“Nothing!” Hijikata and Gintoki said in unison.
“Okaaaaay… Well, I went looking to see what I could find about the guys that attacked you, and came across some bad news. They’ve been spotted moving towards Edo.”
“What!” Gintoki exclaimed indignantly. “Again?”
“And they called for backup, evidently.”
“That’s not good. What do you think they’ll do?”
“Whether it’s revenge or treasure, both lead them here, don’t you think?”
“I dare them to show their faces around here again.”
“There’s reportedly a lot more of them this time, Gintoki. And they’re coming onto our turf, which we can’t have. Let us help you out with this one.”
“Sure.”
“Really? Just like that? I expected you to put up more of a fight about it.”
Gintoki shrugged. “I’m just trying to get paid to deliver the egg. These guys are interfering. So, yeah, I don’t mind having help getting rid of them.”
“Well, alright, that’s settled then! Let’s go round up the others and get a move on.”
“Hang on, I’ve still gotta wait for- oh, there she is.”
Another nurse, this one with short, dark hair and a very disgruntled look on her round face, appeared in the doorway.
“Can’t one of you do anything about them arguing out there?” she said, glaring around at Gintoki, Hijikata, and Kondo.
“Sorry, ma’am! I’ll take care of it right now,” Kondo said, hastily ducking back out into the hall.
“What’s the verdict, Seiza-san?” Gintoki asked, apparently unfazed by the nurse’s bad mood.
“You’re completely fine. Everything came back normal, except of course for your blood sugar-”
“Ah! Raincheck on that informative and enlightening conversation, my dear, but I’ve gotta run! Got another appointment at the end of a sword, you know how it is. Afterwards I’ll be right back and you can lecture me all you want.”
“Don’t you dare! I’m not patching your ass up a second time today! If you even so much as- Sakata!”
“I told you we shoulda left before she came back,” Gintoki muttered, dragging Hijikata out of the room by the arm.
The Shinsengumi and Yorozuya all agreed that, for the time being, the egg would be taken to Shinsengumi headquarters for safe keeping. Just until the bandits had been dealt with. So the three officers set off to stash it there. Meanwhile, Kondo summoned Yamazaki with a second car to take the Yorozuya to the edge of town, to the route they suspected their enemies would take into Edo.
“I’ve been trying to tell Shinpachi that you were sleeping with Hijikata. I’ve been saying so for months! Because there are nights you stay out, and don’t come back hungover! And when I compared notes with Okita, he said he was noticing some weird stuff, too, so I knew the two of you must be at it!”
“Young lady, you just wait until I tell your father about the language you’re using right now.”
“Don’t you dare try to change the subject on me Gin-chan! Shinpachi! Haven’t I been trying to tell you?”
“Yes, you have,” Shinpachi said grimly. “And I didn’t believe you, because I was under the impression that the two of you didn’t like each other very much, Gin-san!”
“It’s complicated, ok?” Gintoki muttered, profoundly grateful that he’d had the presence of mind to close the little window between Yamazaki and them when they’d first gotten in the car.
The truth was, even he couldn’t begin to describe what was actually going on between him and Hijikata, and he had been the one to make the first move. He had no earthly idea what had possessed him to do that, let alone for Hijikata to reciprocate.
“Sure, whatever! Because it’s no big deal to have a complicated thing going with some guy you’re kind of seeing, that happens all the time, right? No! Come to find out, you married yours! And didn’t tell anyone!”
“And he’s a Shinsengumi officer! Not just any officer, either, the vice captain! You’re technically a war criminal, you know, and you still have active ties to the Joui! Why the hell would you get involved with a man who’s legally obligated to treat you as a threat to public safety?!”
“It’s complicated!”
“Shinpachi’s right. That has to be the worst pretense for getting married that I’ve ever heard of.”
“Look, it’s a mutually beneficial agreement, alright? He helps me out, I help him out, that’s it! We didn’t get married to settle down in the suburbs and have kids, we did it for taxes, legal loopholes, and convenience!”
“What’s convenient about it?!”
“What legal loopholes? Gin-san, what legal loopholes?”
“Nothing you need to know about!”
“You should have told us about this. Don’t you think we had a right to know?”
“Well, maybe if I thought that either one of you would have a normal, rational reaction to-”
“Rational!” Kagura screeched. “Rational?! Really?!”
“I think this is the appropriate reaction to such an irrational course of action on your part,” Shinpachi snapped.
Gintoki rolled his eyes. “I’m telling you, it’s been working for us. You’re both taking it way too seriously.”
“How long?”
“How long what?”
“Don’t try to be funny, Gin-chan. How long have you two been married?”
“A while.”
Kagura and Shinpachi both glared at him. Gintoki acted as unbothered as he could, considering they were both showing an awful lot of resemblance to their respective older siblings at the moment.
“I’m going to ask you one more time,” Kagura said menacingly, “and if you do not give me a straight answer, I’m going to hold you down while Shinpachi shaves your head, and then the two of us will just have to get our answer from the courthouse.”
“What the fuck! It’s not that serio-”
“How long have you been married to Toshi?”
“Uhm. I don’t know, maybe like…”
“Gin-san.”
“...two years? Two and a half? Something like that.”
Gintoki shrugged, fidgeting uncomfortably as Shinpachi and Kagura just stared at him.
“You lying sack of shit,” Kagura hissed, seething with rage.
“Oh, fuck off. I only ever lied through omission, which everybody knows doesn’t even count.”
“Kagura only started suspecting something was up a few months ago,” Shinpachi said in amazement. “What the hell were you two thinking two and a half years ago?”
“Once again: nothing you need to know about.”
Gintoki hadn’t been the slightest bit serious when he’d first suggested the idea to Hijikata, whom he’d already been sleeping with on occasion at the time. Well, maybe a little bit serious, with the intention of divorcing right away, no harm no foul. But to his surprise, Hijikata had run with the idea, and even suggested it as a possible solution for another problem facing them at the time. Gintoki supposed he really shouldn’t have been surprised. After all, Hijikata had partially grown up in a world where marriages of alliance were still commonplace. He seemed to think of it as just that, an alliance between the two of them, and Gintoki was cool with that. It was nice to have someone on his side like that, especially someone as capable and smart as Hijikata.
And then, more recently- probably within the last few months, as Kagura had noticed- they’d started seeing more and more of each other. Was it still just an alliance if the two of them were meeting up and making out sometimes multiple times a week? He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t have any intention of changing things, either.
Thankfully, before Kagura had gathered her thoughts enough to launch a new triade, the car rolled to a stop, and Yamazaki knocked against the separating window, letting them know they’d arrived.
“Oh, would you look at that, we’re here,” Gintoki said, opening the door and stepping out.
Kagura and Shinpachi also got out, and after shooting him one last venomous glare, wandered away, muttering darkly between themselves.
“Sure was a lot of yelling back there,” Yamazaki said hesitantly. “Is everything ok?”
“Yeah, everything’s great! Totally great. Listen, whatever rumor you hear Okita spreading around in the next few days, it’s a lie, ok?”
“Umm… ok?”
“Good.”
Gintoki sighed heavily and stared out towards the horizon, wondering what he was going to say when Shinpachi and Kagura inevitably started telling everyone else they knew about him and Hijikata.
“-don’t want you to think I’m judging you, or anything, but…it’s Gintoki!” Kondo said incredulously, for the seventh time in the past five minutes.
While he ranted from the driver’s seat, Okita sat in the passenger seat, fully in his element and clearly relishing every word, and Hijikata sat in the back, glowering out the window and doing his best to pretend that neither of them existed.
“I mean, Gintoki, he’s- he’s just- why him, Toshi? What do you see in him?”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you, Kondo-san, and I’m not going to, either. It’s my business.”
“It’s a little bit our business, too,” Okita said. “Since legally, I don’t think we’re even really supposed to be interacting with the Yorozuya at all. They’re war criminals.”
“They’ve saved your ass more times than you even know about, Sougo.”
“Yeah, well, in the eyes of-”
“And you know damn well that no one cares about that, anyway! You interact with them all the time, too!”
“Yeah, but I’m not married to one of them!”
“I just don’t see the appeal-”
“Oh, Kondo-san, just shut up, will you!”
Hijikata understood the confusion. He’d been pretty confused when he’d first realized his own attraction to Gintoki, and had tried many times to put it into words. But he had yet to come up with anything solid. How could he possibly begin to explain what he found so compelling about Gintoki even to himself, let alone Kondo?
“I just can’t help but feel like this is gonna come back to haunt us later,” Okita continued stubbornly.
“You’re blowing this so far out of proportion, Sougo.”
“You got married to a samurai and didn’t tell anyone! There’s no world in which that’s not a big deal!”
“Oh, please. This girl the egg is for, who’s getting married, you think she’s getting married for love? Of course not, she’s from a noble family! Her parents wanted a connection to this Edo family, so they’re getting married!”
“Yeah? So?!”
“So, what’s the difference! If you can understand that, then what’s the big deal?”
Okita sputtered for a moment, waving his hands in circles as he searched for the right words to express his incredulity.
“What are you talking about, Hijikata-san? Rich people do it for money reasons! You’re not rich, and I know he’s not either.”
“Or political reasons,” Kondo put in, “and as Okita already mentioned, there’s no good political reason for you to want to marry Gintoki either.”
Hijikata sighed deeply, fighting the urge to raise his voice any further.
“Listen. We all know that, no matter what, the Yorozuya are always going to be there. After everything we’ve been through? They’ll always be a part of the rest of our lives. I just wanted it to be on my own terms.”
“...It’s just-”
“He’s a good man.”
“I didn’t say he wasn’t! I just want to make sure you’re really… I mean, that this is really what you want. It’s a big commitment, you know?”
“Kondo-san, it’s been two and a half years already. I think I can handle the commitment, thank you very much.”
“How long?!”
“Sougo, shut the fuck up.”
By the time the Shinsengumi officers arrived, Kagura and Shinpachi were back to heckling Gintoki, and Yamazaki had once again taken refuge in the car.
“Get- go away! Here, look, here,” Gintoki snapped, keeping Kagura at arm’s length with one hand as he reached into his yukata and pulled out his own ring. His was a gold band, that he wore on a plain black cord.
“Have you just been carrying that around the whole time? Why?”
“Because that’s what you do!”
“Yeah,” Okita said as they approached the Yorozuya, “you never know when you’ll need it to open a safety deposit box. Right, Hijikata-san?”
“Sougo, I’m going to kill you.”
“Kondo-san, he’s threatening me. Put that on the record. We need disciplinary action.”
“Alright, Sougo, that’s enough.”
“Wait, I have one other question, though. Don’t you have to have a witness to get married?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, who’d you get?”
“Hasegawa.”
Kagura and Shinpachi both positively screamed at that. Kondo threw back his head and laughed. Gintoki just shrugged. Hijikata sighed again.
“That Madao! What! What! What the fuck!”
“You mean he knew?”
“He was available, and he does a great job of minding his own business. That’s all.”
“Wait, who else knew?”
“Uhhhh. The ninjas, actually.”
“Oh, I forgot about Sa-chan-san. How did she, uh, take that?”
“Not as bad as you might think. She did try to kill me once or twice.”
“Me too, a couple of times,” Hijikata grumbled.
“But then she went crying to Tsukuyo about it, and whatever she said to her must have been pretty convincing because since then she’s mostly left it alone. Seiza-san knows too, actually, cause I told her to add him to my emergency contacts. But I think that’s kinda it…can you think of anyone else?”
“Your landlord.”
“You told Otose-san and not us?”
“I didn’t exactly tell her in so many words. But I think she kinda gets the picture.”
“Yeah,” Gintoki agreed, somewhat sheepishly. Hijikata knew he didn’t like to accept help when it came to getting his rent paid on time, but Hijikata didn’t like 'just letting it hang over his head like that', so more often than not, he insisted. Otose had been kind enough not to pry, and just take it in stride.
Kagura opened her mouth to say something else angry, but was interrupted by the sound of someone yelling off in the distance.
“I think that might be our guests,” Kondo said.
“Yeah, sounded like someone rallying the troops.”
Instinctively, the six of them arrayed themselves in a spread-out line, facing down the sloping hill that their enemies would have to climb to approach Edo.
“I say forty,” Gintoki said. “Kagura?”
“Fifty, at least.”
“What are you guys doing?”
“Placing bets.”
“Stupid bets,” Shinpachi shook his head. “No way they have that many friends. Thirty at most.”
“You want in, Kondo?”
“Uh. Thirty five!”
“That’s the spirit.”
“What do I win if I’m right?”
“Nothing, just bragging rights.”
Slowly but surely, the crowd emerged into view over the crest of the hill. All of them were wearing long strips of black cloth tied around their foreheads, which, rather than the intimidating look they’d probably been going for, just made them all look a bit silly. When they noticed the assembled Shinsengumi and Yorozuya waiting for them, they stopped short, muttering amongst themselves.
“I count 38,” Kagura said.
“Called it.”
“Shut up, Gin-chan.”
“Hey,” one of the bandits suddenly yelled, stepping forward, “it’s that guy, from earlier! You’re supposed to be dead!”
“Surprise, asshole! You fucked up your only chance to take me out!”
“But… the poison!”
“Ritsu, you idiot!” exclaimed one of the other thugs, taking a step of his own forward and smacking his colleague on the shoulder. “I keep trying to tell you! Not all mushrooms are poisonous!”
“Forget it,” one of the others spoke up, “let’s just do what we came here to do! It’s all of us against the six of them! Let’s go!”
The bandits gave an answering cheer, drew their weapons, and rushed forward as one.
“Twelve minutes,” said Kagura.
“Ten,” said Gintoki, drawing his sword.
“Seven.”
“Ooh, optimistic bet from Okita. You’re on.”
Hijikata judged that Shinpachi’s description of the bandits had been entirely accurate- they were well organized, but individually, not very skilled. Their battle was a short-lived one.
Hijikata sent his last-standing opponent tumbling back down the hill with a well-placed kick, and quickly turned to assess the situation with everyone else, sword at the ready. But he quickly discovered he needn’t have bothered.
Okita was busy securing handcuffs on the defeated bandits, with help from Shinpachi. Kondo was interrogating details out of one of the ones who was still conscious, with help from Kagura. Gintoki was wiping blood off his blade using one of his fallen enemies’ head scarves.
When he glanced up and saw Hijikata sheathing his own blade, he smiled and started walking towards him.
Knowing Gintoki the way he did, Hijikata was pretty sure he knew what was coming. “Someone’s gonna see,” he warned.
Gintoki shrugged. “Who cares?”
And as he approached, reached out to put an arm around Hijikata’s shoulders, and planted a kiss on his cheek, Hijikata didn’t try to stop him.
“That was pretty cool, what you did back there with that guy who came at you from above, and you redirected him into that other guy.”
“Oh, you saw that, did you? I got that from Saito. It’s pretty effective.”
“Show me again sometime.”
“Sure. We can-”
“Get a room, you two,” Kagura interrupted loudly.
“Shut up! We’re just having a conversation!”
“I swear,” Shinpachi said, rolling his eyes, “finding out that you two actually like each other is weirder than finding out you’ve been secretly married for two and a half years.”
“Yeah,” Kondo chuckled, “I didn’t see that one coming, for sure.”
“Oh god, my sister was right the whole time, wasn’t she. Damn.”
“Jealousy is unbecoming, Pachi-boy.”
“Wha- I’m not jealous!”
“Hey, who won the bet this time?”
“Blech. Gin-chan again. He always wins!”
“What can I say, it’s all instinct, baby.”
“Well, I for one, have had thoroughly enough of today. It’s been fun, Yorozuya, but how about you guys go away and let us finish up here, huh?”
“Oh yeah, we have to go deliver the egg!”
“Yes, we do,” Gintoki finally withdrew his arm from around Hijikata’s shoulders. “Hey, talk to you later, ok?”
“Yeah, later.”
The Yorozuya withdrew towards the car they’d come in with Yamazaki, loudly proclaiming their parting thanks and goodbyes as they went. And then they got in the car and drove away, leaving the Shinsengumi alone on the hill.
“So,” Hijikata said, looking around, “where are we gonna be taking these guys? Do we have to hold them for a transfer?”
“I can’t believe you two are married.”
“Goddamnit, Kondo-san, answer the question!”
“Omiai meeting? Why, are you getting married?”
“No, no, I’m not. I got a proposal from some amanto princess. So I have to go meet with her and find some polite way to tell her ‘no’.”
“She’s not even human? Why did she propose to you?”
“Well, there are people out there who see Earth as a good investment. Especially Edo, since it’s a port city. So they’re looking to come in and get with somebody who’s already established here.”
“I guess that kinda makes sense?”
“Yeah, I can see where they’re coming from.”
Hijikata sat propped up against the hotel bed headboard, scrolling through his phone. Gintoki lay draped across Hijikata’s lap, eyes closed, content to lie still and let Hijikata run the fingers of his free hand through his hair.
Gintoki was a surprisingly touchy person, Hijikata had been learning. And Hijikata had surprised himself, too, by being pretty okay with that.
“The number of proposals has increased a lot all of a sudden over the past few years. For a lot of people. Me, Kondo-san, and Sougo have all gotten several. I even heard that Sasaki got a few.”
“Wow. I wonder why that is.”
“Couldn’t tell you. All I know is, it’s kind of a pain. These rich people can be so touchy. You have to be really careful when rejecting them and hope they don’t take it poorly.”
“Maybe you should just accept it. Live a comfy life as some princess’ trophy husband. That doesn’t sound too bad.”
“No thanks! I don’t want to marry an offworlder. Let alone one I don’t even know.”
“Yeah, I guess not.”
“This one seems pretty rational. I’m hoping she won’t make a fuss when I turn her down.”
“Why don’t you just tell her you can’t marry her cause you’re already committed to someone else? Better yet, just tell her you’re already married. She can’t get mad at that.”
“I don’t think that’d work, though. Like I said, I’m one of these people’s desirable targets for whatever reason, so they’d for sure check to see if I had accepted a proposal from someone else. It’d be an easy lie to disprove.”
“I’ll marry you, then, and you can use me as your excuse. You could show her the official paperwork, and everything.”
“...Hm.”
“...Hey now.” Gintoki opened his eyes to stare suspiciously up at Hijikata. “You’re supposed to say ‘Gintoki, that’s a stupid idea’.”
“It is a stupid idea, but it’s one that might actually work, all the same.”
“I was kidding!”
“What about that guy who was threatening to sue you?”
“Huh? What about him?”
“I wouldn’t have to testify if we got married! In Edo, spouses can opt out of testifying against their partners in civil court for small offenses.”
“Really? I didn’t know that…”
“I know you weren’t the one who started the fight, but you do share blame for the damages, and I’d have to tell them that if it goes to court. They’d almost definitely call me, as the first responding officer on the scene. Without my testimony, it’s a lot less likely that you’d get hit with a fine for that incident.”
“But wait, don’t you think it would look like we did it just to get you out of testifying, then? Like, it wouldn’t look good to a judge.”
“Maybe not. Not a lot anybody could do about it, though, I’m pretty sure.”
“Huh…Hey, no, wait a second, wait a second.”
Gintoki sat up and repositioned himself so that he could look Hijikata squarely in the eye.
“I think maybe we skipped a step or two in that conversation, there. You don’t wanna marry me. I’ve got problems! Even if we did get divorced right away, something’s bound to come back around to you and make you regret it, eventually.”
“Everyone’s got problems, Gintoki.”
“My problems are weirder than most people’s,” Gintoki insisted, and Hijikata found himself reminded that there was a lot about Gintoki’s past that he still didn’t know.
“Even so,” he said anyway, “that doesn’t matter. I’ve got problems too, but that doesn’t matter either. Marriage doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just think about it for what it actually is- an alliance, a formal agreement to have each other’s backs going forward.”
“Huh,” Gintoki repeated absently. For a moment, he just sat there, his dark eyes searching Hijikata’s as he turned that over in his head.
“So… do you wanna get married?”
“Yeah, I think… I think it might be useful? And we can always change our minds if it stops being useful. Right?”
“Right. Uh. Yeah, that’s… ok, fuck it, let’s get married.”
“It is a really stupid idea,” Hijikata said, unable to stop himself from laughing at the absurdity of the direction their conversation had taken. “Useful or not, let’s agree not to let anyone else find out about this, please. I’d never hear the end of it from my men.”
“Sure. Hey, what about a ring?”
“What about it?”
“Don’t you need a ring to get married?”
“I don’t think so. It’s just something a lot of people like to do.”
“Well, if we’re gonna do this, we should do it properly. I’m gonna get you a ring.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“No, I’m gonna!”
“Alright, fine! I’ll get you one too, that way we can do a whole exchange.”
“As we should,” Gintoki nodded. “Gotta do this thing properly.”
“If it means that much to you, maybe you need to go dress shopping, too.”
“I just might!”
Gintoki lay back down, and Hijikata went back to playing with his hair.
It wasn’t like him to make snap decisions like this. Especially for something so important. But for some reason, he wasn’t worried about it. He wondered if there was anything that could make him regret marrying Gintoki one day, but couldn’t really think of anything.
He kinda liked the idea that there was a part of Gintoki that would always be his, no matter what happened going forward. Even if things between them weren’t that serious. If he was going to trust anyone that way, he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather throw in his lot with.
“What do people normally do to celebrate getting engaged?” Gintoki asked.
“I don’t know. Go out and party, I think.”
“Do you wanna do that?”
“No, I’d rather stay in. I have work in the morning, anyway.”
“Alright. How about room service, then? We could splurge on a celebratory bottle of sake. Or champagne.”
Hijikata shook his head. “I think you might be taking your commitment to doing this ‘the right way’ a little too seriously.”
“Well, we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“...I didn’t say that.”