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Simon loved Wille. He loved watching him row, or chew on his pencil when he was studying, and even though Simon always told him to stop, he thought it was adorable the way Wille would bite his thumb or play with his hair when he was anxious. The problem was, despite how much Simon watched, he never really saw how bad Wille's anxiety actually was.
He thought he was a normal teenage boy with an immense amount of pressure on him.That when Wille bit his thumb it just meant he wanted to leave, and why wouldn’t Simon assume that?
Simon didn’t know what it was like, he didn’t know Wille felt like he was drowning all the time. Because Wille never told him, and he never wanted to. It was just another reason for Simon to pull away.
Wille never expected him to find out, he never meant to slip up.
~~~~~~~~
Everyone was packed together for another Manor house movie night. A night Wilhelm both loves and hates. He loves being able to hang out with his friends past curfew, and loved the excuse to sit as closed to Simon as humanly possible (even if he didn’t need it anymore. Everyone knew just how in love he was, he made sure of that.) Wilhelm even loved stupid movies. Except for when they gave in to Madison's horrible taste and played horror. Which sadly they did tonight.
At least tonights choice has a plot line besides people running through corn. The group, minus Wille who refused to choose a horror movie, had decided on the movie SPLIT.
Madison first saw it back in America and fell in love with it, and was ecstatic when she found the Swedish dub on Amazon.
To Wilhelms credit he only jumped 10 times, which is a new personal best for him. And if each jump brought him closer and closer to Simon until he was half sitting on him, then it was just a happy coincidence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the movie was over the main group of Wille,Simon,Felice,Madison,Stella,and Fredricka decided to stay back to hang out a little while longer.
As much as Wille loved his friends, he just wanted to leave. The movie struck a cord in him he couldn’t quite figure out yet. But he put on his best crown prince act and sucked it up for an hour. An hour of fake laughs and pretending to care about the third year with a “attractive” “aura” Madison wanted to ask out.
After that hour mark Wille need to leave. He felt the inevitable bubble of self-doubt and anxiety start to build in him. Something deep in his stomach told him that the longer he stayed here, the more obvious it would be to his friends that hes not okay, that he never has been.
“I didn’t get much sleep last night so i’m going to head back now”
“Oh come on Wille its only 11!”
“I know, I’m sorry. I just know if I stay here though you'll have to carry my body back” He laughed in hopes they would leave him alone, thinking he was fine just tired. His plan failed him, the laugh came out pained and shallow.
From the side of his eye he saw Simon's smile drop and look at him quizzingly. Wille needed to get out of there. Now. Because if there was one person who could read his mind, Simon would be it.
He can’t talk to Simon, not about this. This would be too much, is to much.
So after a quick exchange of goodbyes, Wille walked out of Manor house, and ran.
Ran straight to his dorm as fast as he could, hoping anyone who saw him would just think hes on a late night jog getting ready for rowing season.
He reached his dorm and fell into his bed. Was it dramatic, a little bit, but Wille didn’t have the capacity to care about how his mother would scold him for causing a scene, even if he was alone.
Wille grab his blanket and wrapped it around him, hoping the faux feeling of being hugged would magically fix everything. It didn’t. As a matter of fact it felt like he was suffocating, like the blanket was a boa constrictor squeezing him until he couldn't breathe.
He couldn’t breathe. Fuck. He needs to breathe. Come on, its not that hard, he’s done it his whole life, just breathe Wilhelm, just brea…
“Wille look at me. Wille please, i’m right here.” Simon was sitting on his bed next to him, eyes clouded with worry.
Wille hated Simon looking like that, the only thing that Simon should ever be looking at him with is a smile. I love Simons smile, he thought, it's so pretty. Simons… wait Simon? Hes here? Shit! Wille look up at him with panic lacing his expression and Simon knew exactly what was going on, he has seen it happen to much when Sara was still at Marieberg.
“Ready, watch how I do it.” Simon brought Willes hand to his chest and took a deep breath. Just how he learned to with Sara, 4 second inhale, 4 second exhale. They sat like that for 2 minutes.
For the first time in what felt like hours, Wille felt oxygen in his lungs.
“Good Wille. Just like that.” Ten minutes of silent breathing followed before either one talked again.
“Im sorry” Willes broken voice whispered. Simone whipped his head around at the sound.
“Wille, baby. Don’t say that. You have nothing to apologize for.”
Baby? Thats something they are going to circle back to when Wille can properly process it.
“ What happened?”
“I’m just not feeling good. I didn’t mean to worry you. Its nothing I promise”
“ That was a panic attack Wille. Thats not nothing. Please talk to me, I just want to understand. What triggered this?”
“ The movie.”
“ Was it that scary? We could’ve picked something else, or me and you could’ve left. Im so sor..” Wilhelm interrupted before Simon could apologize for doing absolutely nothing wrong
“It wasn’t scary. I mean it was a little bit but thats not the issue.”
“Then what is?”
“ It felt to real” Wille mumbled.
Simon didn’t understand how Wille could relate to that movie, to his knowledge he was never kidnapped and held hostage by someone with DID. So Simon just looked at him with sympathy and confusion, waiting for Wille to elaborate at his own pace.
When Wille spoke again he turn away from Simon. He couldn’t face his love while he knew that after this conversation Simon would never look at him the same way again. He knew that Simons wouldn’t believe him, or he would run. Those are the only to reactions he’s ever received before.
“ Do you think Kevin and the other personalities were evil? Even if they couldn’t control Dennis?”
“ I think thats a complicated question. He was the bad guy of course, but I don’t know if that makes him evil. Obviously Dennis was not a good person, but the others tried to be, even if they were scared. Why? ”
“ I felt so bad for them … because I understood them.” Wille took a pause hoping this was one of the times Simon could read his mind so he didn’t have to admit what he was about to.
By the look on Simons face, he could tell his wish went unanswered. So he took a deep breath, preparing to face the relationship he was about to ruin.
“I know what its like to be afraid of your own mind.”
There it was. The sharp intake of Simons breath, the pity shining through his usually loving eyes. With one sentence Wille ruined them, he knows he did.
Except, thanks to what can only be assumed as the grace of the god Wilhelm no longer believed in, Simon pulled him into a bone-crushing.
“Oh Wille. I never knew, Im sorry for not noticing.” Wille pulled away with a questioning look on his face.
“ What do you have to be sorry for”
“For not realizing you were struggling. For not being able to help you. For making you feel like you had to go through this alone.”
Wille loved this man. Simon defied his expectations every day in the best ways possible, and when Wille thought he couldn’t get any better he did. Simon felt safe. Wille couldn’t remember the last time he felt this comfortable with someone. Like they wouldn’t leave him just because he didn’t live up to their expectations.
“ Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to if you don’t feel like you can. But I'll always be here if you decide you do.”
For the first time in a long time, Wille did want to talk about it. If he didn’t get it out now, it would destroy him from the inside. But something was still telling him no.
“I don’t want to annoy you. Every time my anxiety starts, its like I can hear everyone around me sigh a silent exasperated sigh of “not again”, I don’t want you to feel that way about me.”
Simon could feel the desperation in Willes voice. With glossy eyes he replied “ I will never get tired of you Wille. I promise.” and to Simon a promise was everything, more legally binding then any NDA. Wilhelm knew that much.
So he looked away from Simon, gathering whatever courage he could find in his body, and started..
“ You should know I'm not a whole person, and I don’t think I ever will be. I was raised by angry people. My mom was angry at everything, and my dad was angry at my mom, when you live in a house like that, parts of you die. Parts of you that you can only visit in your dreams, but then I wake up and its just another reminder that I will never be whole again. Growing up in the spotlight took even more pieces of me. Because everyone just chose what parts of me they wanted to believe in. The media wanted the party prince, my mother wanted the side of me that most represent Erick, my friends wanted the rich prince. No one wanted me. The closest anyone ever got was Erick, but even he sometimes wished I was just the perfect prince, because being Wille made his life harder.” It hurt Wilhelm to admit that but he knows its true. Even Erick got annoyed with Wille, no matter how much he loved him.
“So I started to play parts. Spinning different versions of me for each new person, to be exactly what they wanted, to the best of my abilities. It never worked. I don’t think anyone ever truly loved me. They just loved the idea of me they constructed in their minds. The easy version of me, the easy parts of me to love. ”
Simon body shuttered. Filled with sadness and guilt. Thats exactly what he did when he told Wilhelm he couldn’t accept the part of him that was a crown prince.
“ Erick died and people expected even more out of me, to make more versions of my self that fit what they thought a crown prince to be.”
“ I just got so angry. I was angry at Erick for dying, I was angry at my parents for pretending they were fine, and I was angry at August for acting like he never existed in the first place. Seriously he inducted me in this stupid ass secret society for firstborn sons of noble families. He just offered me Erick's seat, like I never had a brother to begin with. That was the night you found me on the football field.”
A blush spread over Wilhelm's cheeks as he continued to stare at his hands. Embarrassed by how he acted and embarrassed with how the memories of the next morning still make him feel.
“ Then the video was leaked and my mother got in my head about how denying it was the safest thing to do for you and so I did. The stupidest decision of my life.” Wilhelm scoffed with self-pity, not believing he ever let his mother control him like that.
“And I got angrier. Angry at my mother for convincing me to do it in the first place, angry at August for outing us, angry at myself for letting any of it happen in the first place. Did you know I threatened the court when I found out you were on a date with Marcus? I was sitting in my room screaming about how I would go on Instagram live and abdicate.”
Simon stilled underneath him, just now realizing how much influence he actually had over Wilhelm. Of course, he heard Wilhelm talk about abdication, he told Simon he would do it just to get him back after the video. But Simon never believed him, thought it was some stupid grand romantic gesture. But this? Knowing Wilhelm was truly willing to drop it all just because he was jealous? It was almost to much. It was also very hot. But that was an emotion for another time.
Before he has a chance to react, Wilhelm continued.
“ My mom tried to pull me out of school, but we agreed that I would just go to therapy. That's how I started seeing Boris. I thought therapy was a joke, I didn't even speak in the first couple of sessions. Then I walked in one day and just started ranting because I was upset, but I was alone, and I knew Boris couldn’t say anything to anyone else. So he listened to me for half an hour and when I stopped talking I broke down”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flash back
Wille stood in the room eyes wide and chest tightening. The realization hit him like a truck. He just said all of that to Boris.
He told him everything. How angry he is at his mom, how he hates being crown prince, how he can’t think about anything but Simon, how he wants to make august suffer for stabing him in the back.
Worst of all he told Boris the one truth he swore he would never tell anyone, a truth he can’t even fully admit to himself.
Wille hated Erick for dying.
God Simon was right. Wille sounded so selfish, what kind of spoiled entitled monster was angry at his brother for dying?
At that thought Wille collapsed into the chair. Sobbing into his hand while he felt the last of his walls fall. He didn’t want this anymore, he didn’t want to feel this anymore, it was exhausting. He was exhausted.
His throat felt swollen but he looked up at Boris, eyes line with red. When he finally spoke it sounded raw “Why am I so full of rage?”
Boris took pity on him, Wille could tell by the way Boris gave a sad smile and a direct answer for the first time since they met. “Oh Wilhelm, its because your so full of grief”
~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a pause where Wille just stared straight at the wall, like that story encaptured him and wouldn’t let go. Simon didn't want to disrupt him but he was more afraid that Wille would start spiraling again thinking about it.
When Wille felt the squeeze of his hand, he snapped back to his body, looking over at Simon shly but then getting right back on track.
“ Anyway, after that I started going to Boris more regularly, and it helps alot. I swear I haven’t had a panic attack for like a month!”
Simon didn’t have the heart to tell him that going only a month without a panic attack still isnt great.
Simon didn’t have the heart to think just how often Wille was having attacks before if he thought a month was a long time.
“I’m fine now anyway. Tonight was just a fluke. Nothing to worry about” He was trying to backtrack. Pretending like none of this ever happened, Simon couldn’t let Wille hide himself again. Not anymore.
No Simon would make sure Wille never felt alone again.
“Wille, just because you're better doesn’t mean you're okay.”
“ Simon… you don’t have to hear this. It's my problem, you don’t have to deal with it”
“ I love you. All of you, anxiety included Wille. It’s my fault you think differently but I want to comfort you”
Wille was looking at Simon now, except it almost looked like he couldn’t see him. Like he was looking through him “ I know you do Simon, I’m saying you don’t need to.” His voice broke as he looked away “ Not if it gets too much”.
And Simon finally understood. It's not that Wille doesn’t want help, its not that he doesn’t trust Simon. Its that Wille feels like he's burdening Simon with his feelings.
“Wille. You are allowed to receive comfort. You deserve comfort” He said breathlessly, kissing Wille's forehead as if it would push the thought into the others mind.
Almost inaudibly Wille answered back “Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined. I can’t be ruined Simon.” He was right, his title, his family, survival, all demanded he be perfect, unscathed, normal, happy.
Simon grabbed Willes face and forced him to look in his eyes. He needed Wilhelm to know, to understand.
“ You are not ruined Wille! You were never ruined. You are a kid, in an impossible situation, and life keeps handing you shitty cards. None of this is your fault, it hurts and it sucks but you are not ruined. Feeling this way doesn’t make you wrong.”
“ You don’t know that, you don’t know everything” Wille would feel pathetic in the morning for how scared and small he sounded, but tonight, tonight he couldn’t care less.
“ So tell me everything, tell me your truth, and then I will say it again.” It was a fact. Simon said it as a fact, not a promise. No matter what, he could never think his Wille was ruined, not when he always believed he was perfect.
“I think Im afraid to be happy because whenever I get happy, something bad always happens. When I was a kid the happiest I ever was was when I got to play outside in the garden. I would be there for hours talking to the plants and the sky. But then Mama would send someone out to get me and drag me back inside because it wasn’t ‘princely’ to like flowers. When I turned 11 she banned me from the garden completely, said I was only allowed in it for interviews and tours. Same thing with the piano. I loved it, but then Mama forced me to play it at every event to show off, yet I would get yelled at if I played it outside of practice at home for being to loud”
“I was decently happy at my old school, then I got into that stupid fight and I was forced to leave. I met you and I was so happy. I think I fell in love with you the second you talked bad about my family that first class.” A silent laugh left both their lips.
“Even if you never loved me back I would’ve just been happy finally having a friend who never cared that I was the prince… Then Erick died.” It was obvious that Whilem was implying that it wasn’t just the death of his brother that made those days so bleak back then. But Wilhelm skipped over it, so Simon did too.
“I somehow got you back after being a complete ass and it was the first time I stopped feeling like my world was caving in since Erick. I felt hope. For three days I felt that I could eventually stop feeling this way. That I would get better and that I could do the crown prince thing, as long as you were by my side. Then it all went to hell”
Wilhelm glanced over at the window. At the curtains that were perpetually closed “I hate hope, its a terrible emotion, its full of lies.” The glassy layer covering his eye broke as tears slid slowly down his face.
“It still scares me how much I think about going for a walk and never coming home. How willing I am to leave everyone and everything behind.”
Wilhelm knew what he was about to say wasn’t fair to Simon. But Wilhelm is over being fair. Nothing was ever fair, at least not to him. “You're the only thing keeping me here anymore.”
Simon just held him tighter.
Wilhelm had one more thing to say. The final nail in his proverbial coffin. The only thing he could say to try to get Simon to understand just how fucked up he truly was. “Sometimes I forget how I got here. Sometimes I forget how much I didn’t want to survive.”
At that, holding Wille in his arms as tight as he could, Simon finally wept. He wept for the person in front of him for ever having to feel like that. He wept for the boy who never got the childhood he deserved. He wept for Wilhelm not getting the love he so deserved. And he wept because his Wille should have never been forced to be this strong.
But this wasn’t the time for Simon to cry, no he could do that later. This was the time to support his love who so desperately needed him.
With determination and love lacing his voice, he spoke “I love you more than you could ever know. None of this changes that. You are not ruined. You are not wrong or weak. You are stronger than you ever should have been. You're still my Wille I need you to understand that”
For the first time, Wilhelm finally felt what it was like to have someone love all of you. Unconditional love. And oh what a wonderful feeling it was.