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Nayeon dropped her backpack on the ground and laid on her bed, eyes unfocused as the ceiling fan rotated above her. She reflexively checked her phone again, only to be disappointed by a text from her mom.
Have you heard from her yet?
“No, I haven’t but I wish I had,” Nayeon mumbled as she rolled face down onto her pillow. She would respond to her mom later, hoping for better news to share.
As she felt the air enter and exit her lungs, her mind focused on counting the breaths she was taking. It had been 2 days, 3 hours, and 30 minutes since she had heard from Mina.
Mina, who Nayeon had spent the last 122 days, 6 hours, and 56 minutes getting to know. All she had done in that time was eat, sleep, and breathe this woman. From a distance, no less. It was only 366 miles, but it was enough that Mina was scared to take the risk.
And Nayeon understood, she really did. Long distance wasn’t for everyone, and there were definitely disadvantages to it. But she couldn’t help but feel like Mina could be it for her. When they had first started talking, it was like the sun had risen on a winter day. Mina was funny and honest, a crisp inhale on a mundane day. The more Nayeon got to know her, the more she liked her. She liked how Mina didn’t like her food to touch, how her favorite thing to do was spend time with her parents, how she wished to be famous. They had a lot of shared interests, from music to sports down to candy flavors.
They talked all day, every day. Starting early with a “good morning how did you sleep” and ending past midnight with a “good night, sweet dreams.” They discussed politics and professionalism and dogs. Nayeon had never had conversations so seamless and easy as she did with Mina. And she enjoyed every second of it.
As time wore on, Nayeon noticed a shift. Mina would text less, be less energetic, share less about herself. She tried to confront it, but it would end with Mina growing more distant, giving the blame to Nayeon, who felt as though she had done something wrong to cause this. She would sift through the conversations, searching for what she had done, only to find nothing. Mina would eventually come back and apologize, explaining that she didn’t know why she would be so hot and cold, that Nayeon had done nothing wrong, that it was all in her own head.
Mina had grown up in an emotionally abusive household, one where love was removed as a consequence for things that did not deserve punishment. No one had shown up for her, so she learned to rely only on herself. She had taken a lot of lunches by herself, her friends proving to be unreliable even into college. It broke Nayeon’s heart to learn these things about her, that someone so kind could be treated so poorly by the people who should have loved her most.
While this didn’t justify the behavior, it helped Nayeon understand it better. When Mina would pull away it created a chasm in her chest, threatening to swallow Nayeon whole. Even when Mina came back, the feeling lingered because she was waiting for the next moment when things would return to normal. They often would.
When things were normal it was everything Nayeon wanted. It was sharing memories, meaningful conversation, it was learning all the vulnerable parts of a person. Nayeon saw Mina. She watched Mina work hard at her job, always going above and beyond. She observed Mina showing up for her family and friends when they didn’t deserve it. She saw Mina overcome everything thrown her way, as difficult as it was. And she listened as Mina broke down over things outside of her control. Nayeon knew that as tough as Mina pretended to be, deep down she was scared. She couldn’t relinquish control, and she would not let herself go if the risk of getting hurt was there.
To Nayeon, Mina was worth all the possible hurt. To her, love wasn’t about working every day to make sure someone stayed in love with you, it was about trusting that person to choose you every day. It was about finding someone to do life with, someone who would not necessarily make it easier, but it would be worth it. And Mina felt like a safe place to land. They had talked about where they wanted to end up, if they wanted kids, what kind of life they wanted to build. Together.
To Mina, love was an opportunity for pain. She feared she would never be anyone’s first choice, that she would always live in the shadow of everyone former lover. She worried her life would never be perfect enough to convince someone to stay. She assumed she would always be one annoying quirk away from pushing someone out the door. She wanted to believe the words she told Nayeon, but at the end of the day, she couldn’t bring herself to commit.
They seemed to be on the up and up, with both of them learning from their conflicts and working to be better for each other. The communication was starting to improve, but unfortunately with the change in tides also came a change in season. A darkness fell over Mina, one that caused her to push everyone away, including Nayeon.
Nayeon’s stomach twisted in knots as she helplessly felt Mina slipping away. It was everything that had happened when Mina grew cold previously, but with the addition of no reassurances besides the occasional explanation. There were moments that she would catch a glimpse of the Mina she had spent the summer learning, sharing random facts, singing the same line in a song over and over again. Nayeon went through something difficult that she initially didn’t want to share, but Mina showed up and supported her through. It wasn’t lost on her that even though Mina was not doing well, she still showed up in spite of herself.
Unfortunately, those moments started to be less frequent, and it started taking a toll on Nayeon. She wanted nothing more than to support Mina, but she didn’t know how. Mina was uncomfortable with gifts and had made it clear that in times like this, she needed solitude, nothing else. Not knowing what was going on with Mina was driving her crazy, and the anxiety started to take control.
Nayeon had no reason to believe Mina’s feelings had disappeared, that she had started to see someone else. She had no reason to feel like Mina would try and quietly walk away from her. But the feelings persisted and Nayeon couldn’t shake it. With how little they were talking as it was, she didn’t feel like she could mention it. And with how precarious Mina’s mental health was, Nayeon did not want to set her off or push her away by accident. So she waited. And she believed Mina when she said her phone was having issues and she simply did not have the capacity to get it fixed.
2 days, 4 hours, and 2 minutes. Nayeon let out a deep sigh. She had left the ball in Mina’s court, because she had said she needed space but for an undetermined amount of time. And Nayeon was too kind to not oblige. As she lay in her bed, all she could think about was her concern for the other girl. Nayeon wished she could support her in any way, to make things easier somehow. Deep down, she also worried that Mina’s feelings for her would grow cold, that this would be the end of what could be. A tear ran from her eyes down her cheeks.
Regardless of all this, Nayeon knew she could not walk away. She also had a tendency to push people away when things got hard, and she appreciated the people who stayed. She couldn’t imagine going through what Mina was doing alone, and while she wished she could force her way in, she recognized she could not. The ache in her chest grew as she thought about Mina, laying in a similar position in the dark. Nayeon hoped that she would cross the girl’s mind, maybe enough to get her to reach out.
As loud as her thoughts were, she knew she needed to trust Mina. She sighed as she pulled the sheets over her body. She trusted the girl she had spent the summer giggling with over movie nights and playlists. The girl who was scared of spiders, who followed rules a little too closely, who thought so little of herself that she was willing to throw away her own happiness. That was the girl she knew, and that was the girl she loved. And Nayeon knew that for her, she was willing to wait lifetimes for Mina to be ready. So that's what she would do.