Archive of Our Own

There was a boy at the playground. A boy Suguru had never seen before.

He gripped his mother's leg a little tighter between his little fingers. Half-hiding behind her long skirt, he couldn't stop curiously watching the little boy who was happily digging in the sandy ground with a bright red shovel. He even had a small yellow toy excavator, one Suguru had begged his father to get him, but he'd said no.

"Do you want to go and play with the boy?", his mother asked and Suguru looked up at her. She was smiling at him encouragingly, but Suguru felt something pool into his stomach at her words. Something he didn't like, something that made him fidgety. He nodded first, then shook his head, his fingers gripping his mother's leg even tighter.

"Do you want me to come with you then? We can just say hello and we don't have to stay if you don't want to."

Suguru thought for a moment, but then he nodded. That sounded like a good idea. His mother always had good ideas, like two days ago when she had put sprinkles onto the whipped cream of his hot chocolate and had made it pretty and even more delicious.

"Come on then", his mother said and gripped his hand encouragingly. Together they crossed the lawn, getting closer and closer to the little boy in the sandbox. He seemed to be humming to himself, a funny little melody that made Suguru want to join in, even though he usually didn't like singing whenever they had to do it in kindergarten.

When they reached the edge of the sandbox, the boy stopped humming however, and looked up at them with big brown eyes that reminded Suguru of the hot chocolate he had just been thinking about. Chocolate was good, so this boy was probably nice, he decided, but stayed behind his mother's legs just in case.

"Hello", his mother smiled, lowering herself onto her knees.

The boy smiled tentatively at her and then at Suguru, before turning around to look at a woman sitting on a bench close to the sandbox. She was reading a newspaper, something Suguru's father normally did at breakfast, but then she looked up and met the boy’s eyes, nodding and smiling at him. The boy turned around again, now with a much bigger smile on his face.

"Hello", he said. "Who are you?"

"I am Niragi Akami, and this is Suguru. What’s your name?"

"I'm Tet... Tats ... I'm Tatta Kodai." He grinned brightly.

"It's very nice to meet you, Tatta-kun", Suguru's mother said. "I have a question for you. However, it's okay if you say no. No one will be mad at you for that." She waited for a second until the boy - Tatta, Suguru thought, his name was Tatta - had nodded understandingly, before she asked: "How would you feel about playing with Suguru for a bit?"

She smiled and Suguru understood that this was one of those moments she had talked to him about. That it was important to listen to other people's feelings, and that sometimes, people didn't want what you wanted. And that it was okay.

Suguru waited, the fidgety feeling appearing in his stomach again. He understood that Tatta was allowed to say no. But he really wanted to play with him.

But then Tatta nodded, his face like the sun Suguru's kindergarten teacher always drew in the corners of her drawings, with big eyes and a wide, wide smile.

"Okay", he said, scooting back on his knees as if to make room for Suguru. "I'm gonna dig the biggest hole anyone has ever seen. Wanna help me?"

Suguru doubted that that would be possible. He had seen the hole across from where they lived, where they were building a hotel. At least that was what his father said. They used real excavators for that, and it was the biggest hole Suguru had ever seen. But maybe Tatta knew something he didn't. Suguru did like learning new things.

He carefully stepped over the wooden planks and into the sandbox. Then he turned, looking at his mother one last time, who smiled at him before turning around and walking over to where the woman with the newspaper was sitting on the bench.

"Do you have a shovel?", Tatta asked and Suguru turned around, shaking his head as he did so.

"That's okay", Tatta said and took his excavator in both of his hands before holding it out to Suguru. "You can use this one, if you want."

That day, they didn't dig the biggest hole anyone had ever seen. But that was okay, Suguru thought as he waved goodbye to Tatta later. They had agreed that they would try again tomorrow.

♧

Niragi recognized him immediately.

It wasn't hard. Tatta hadn't changed all that much. A little taller, but still shorter than Niragi, his hair a bit longer, but still curling behind his ears, his eyes still warm, although they were now flitting nervously around, taking in the grand and lavish interior of the Beach.

Niragi leaned against the railing on the upper floor, looking down at the group of new arrivals. He'd already met Arisu and his little girlfriend, but apparently, they'd picked up a few strays along the way. Strays Hatter hadn't deemed important enough for a meeting with the Executives and the leaders of the Militants.

"This is Tatsuta", Arisu was saying to Ann, who had been tasked with assigning the newbies their rooms and jobs. "He used to be a mechanic, before he came here."

Niragi wondered if Arisu thought Tatta couldn't talk for himself. He knew that talking was something Tatta was actually quite good at, mindless chatter especially if he was nervous, or excited ranting if something really caught his attention.

"Do you know your way around older cars with diesel engines?", Ann asked as she gave Tatta an assessing look. "The only cars still working are those that don't use electronics, and we're having a hard time finding people who know how to fix them."

Niragi saw Tatta nodding. "Yeah, the garage I used to work at specialized in vintage cars."

His voice was a little deeper than it used to be, but not a lot, and his way of speaking hadn't changed. He still had that barely-there lisp that he knew how to hide quite well and that only got more pronounced whenever he was especially tired.

Niragi hated how he still knew about that, even after all those years.

(No, he didn’t.)

Ann nodded, apparently quite pleased by his answer. "That sounds good, Tatsuta-san. We will assign you a place at our garage. In exchange for keeping our cars running, you will be relieved of most Game duties the others will have to participate in. That means you only have to play when your visa runs out, while others have a number of Games they have to attend every week."

Niragi could see Tatta's shoulders sag in relief.

(He ignored how his own shoulders relaxed as well.)

"Now, Niragi can show you to your assigned rooms."

Niragi swore inwardly. He'd thought he hadn't yet been spotted, but Ann seemed to always sniff him out in the most impractical of situations.

He dared a look at the group down below. They were all staring at him with varying looks of distrust and intimidation on their faces. When Niragi met Tatta's gaze, he held his breath for a second, but there was no recognition in his features.

Good. Niragi knew he'd changed a lot, but it was good getting confirmation. He'd make sure it stayed that way.

He stepped down the stairs, rifle balanced on his shoulder and a scowl on his face.

"I'm not a fucking babysitter", he snarled and shot Ann a venomous look. "They might look fucking dumb, especially those three", he gestured to Tatta and the other two guys that had arrived with him, Arisu, and Usagi, "but I'm sure they can fucking count at least."

The only sign of displeasure were Ann's slightly furrowed brows. "I don't care if this doesn't fit into your schedule of prancing around the pool and trying to look menacing, Niragi. You will do as I say, because I answer to Hatter, while you only answer to Aguni. And may I remind you who Aguni answers to?"

Hatter’s fucking dick, Niragi wanted to say but didn't. Instead, he rolled his eyes, turned around and started walking. "Keep up", he called over his shoulder. "If you get lost, it's your fucking problem."

They followed him like little ducklings in a row as he stomped through the hallways of the Beach. They seemed to be intimidated by him, which was good, but it didn't stop them having fucking conversations about him while he was close enough to actually hear them.

"I used to know a Niragi", Tatta muttered.

"Was he like this, Tatsuta-kun?", Usagi asked, and Niragi didn't have to turn around to know Tatta was vehemently shaking his head.

"No, he was nice. A bit prickly at times, but he cared."

"What happened to him?"

Tatta was quiet for a bit. "I moved away, and we lost touch", he finally said, and he sounded sad, like losing Niragi wasn't the best thing that could have happened to him.

Niragi picked up the pace, not wanting to hear what else he had to say about him.

Still, his heart was racing in his chest.

Fuck. Tatta was the very last person Niragi needed in the Borderlands.

♧

Suguru liked visiting his grandparents. They lived far away from Tokyo, with lots of trees and nature surrounding them, with colorful flowers in their garden and beautiful butterflies everywhere.

It was even better now that Tatta had been allowed to join him. Two weeks of sleeping in, of jumping around in the high grass that his grandfather never mowed because he liked how wild it looked, two weeks of hot chocolate in the evenings and of stories that only his grandmother could tell in exactly the right way.

Suguru looked up at the countless stars spanning the night sky above his head. This was perfect and he never wanted it to stop.

But he knew it would have to.

He would still enjoy the two weeks away from school as best as he could. Suguru liked learning, and he liked that he saw Tatta every day and could sit next to him in every class, but their first months of school had been exhausting and he was very happy to have a little break, one that he was allowed to still spend with Tatta.

He turned his head and looked at his best friend, who was sitting next to him on the steps to the patio, a big jar cradled in his arms. He was staring at it with wonder in his eyes, and at the glimmering fireflies that were buzzing around in it.

Suguru couldn't understand how he was so fascinated by them if he had the whole sky filled with equally bright and glimmering stars right in front of him. He asked him, but Tatta only shook his head.

"The stars are so far away, but the fireflies are right here", he answered, his eyes still on the jar in his lap. "Stars are the night, but fireflies are the reason that night doesn't come as soon in summer. There are no fireflies in Tokyo, and the lights there are bright, but they can't keep away the dark. Here, there's fireflies everywhere and they shine and help keep it bright, even when it's dark. Everything is peaceful here, and quiet. I feel safe when there's fireflies around."

He smiled at Suguru, bright and happy and Suguru smiled back, glad that Tatta was there, even if he didn't fully get what he meant.

Years would pass until Suguru fully understood why it was so important for Tatta to feel safe. Why Tatta came to school with bruises sometimes, and why Tatta's mother always looked so relieved whenever Tatta was allowed to stay the night at Suguru's.

♧

"Fuck."

A bang, and another miss.

Angry at himself and the world, Niragi threw the rifle away.

"You good, man?", Daichi, one of his fellow militants, asked. He was leaning against the bar and observed Niragi's results critically. Ten shots at the painted targets on the opposite wall. Ten misses, as indicated by the small holes in the white wall next to it. "Haven't seen you this off in, like, ever."

"Fuck you", Niragi barked. "I didn't ask for your commentary."

"Chill", Daichi said with his hands raised placatingly. He obviously wasn't afraid of him, Niragi had to give him that. Most of the other Militants had already vacated the room after Niragi's first bout of violent swearing.

Niragi still shot him a dirty look and went to collect his rifle.

"You should destress a little", Daichi said. "You're working too much, man. How many Games have you played in the last two weeks? Eight? That can't be healthy."

It was nine, actually, but Niragi wasn't going to tell him that.

"This is me destressing", he said instead, waving with his rifle and gesturing at the targets.

Daichi rolled his eyes. "Clearly", he snorted. Then: "You need to get laid."

What?

Niragi was too dumbfounded that somebody actually dared talking to him like that to answer. Who did the guy think he was?

Suicidal, was the obvious answer, as Daichi just went on. "There are a lot of really pretty girls up there who'd kill for a spot in your bed, you know?"

Niragi was still baffled. He had to be, because there was no other reason why he said what he said next.

"Girls aren't exactly my thing."

Right after saying it, he thought about shooting himself in the head. That, he'd at least manage. Probably.

But before he could think about actually going through with it, he found a dark blush on Daichi's cheeks.

"There are a lot of guys who'd jump at the opportunity as well."

"Oh?", Niragi asked. "You offering?"

"Yes."

The guy really had balls; Niragi had to give him that.

He looked him over.  Dark brown hair, a bit shorter than Niragi, broad shoulders, a nice ass, ... it could have been worse, Niragi thought. A lot worse.

"Sure", Niragi answered with a shrug. A gifted horse, and all that...

As he let himself get shoved against the closed door of his room a few minutes later, with Daichi's tongue in his mouth and Daichi's hands underneath his shirt, he tried to ignore the flashes that appeared in front of his inner eyes. Flashes of black hair that curled at the ends, of soft brown eyes staring at him from underneath a cap and hands that were calloused from clasping various tools all day long.

It wasn't working.

♧

"How the hell did you manage to dislocate your thumb? Again?"

Suguru could hear Tatta groan through his phone. He had it on speaker while he worked on his history assignment. The one he was supposed to do together with Tatta.

"I fell on the joint that I had dislocated last time. You know how clumsy I am." 

Unlikely, but Suguru would let it slide. He knew Tatta was extremely hesitant to talk about his home life and he didn't want to make him even more uncomfortable than he was already feeling.

"The doctor said it's easier to dislocate it once it has already happened. The more often it happens, the easier it becomes."

Suguru frowned. "That sounds like something straight from a thriller", he said. "Like you would be the perfect candidate to get out of handcuffs and live a life of crime. Or maybe as a secret agent. Agent Tatta Kodai, with a license to kill and to seduce all those women in short black dresses."

Tatta snorted. "Yeah, I think that between the two of us, I'm not the one most likely to seduce hot women." His voice sounded a little distorted. Suguru thought he might need a new phone soon. "I have no idea why you haven't gotten a girlfriend yet. They would be all over you, with those dreamy eyes you got, and those long legs."

Because I've got no interest in girls, Suguru wanted to say. But he didn't because he was afraid. Because Tatta's opinion was one of the two opinions that mattered to him, and he really didn't think he would be able to live with a reaction that was anything other than positive. So he just ignored the comment and changed the subject.

“Does that mean I have to do this assignment on my own?", he sighed. "Because honestly, I'd rather do anything else right now."

"Then don't. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself anyway."

"This is important for our future."

"Suguru, this is our first year of high school. You need to chill a little, you got straight A's everywhere and even the occasional S, which, like, I honestly thought those were a myth."

"I know, Tatta, I just... I like being good at things."

He heard Tatta laugh softly. "Yeah, I know you do. And you are. And you should be proud of that."

They were silent for a while, Suguru working on the assignment and Tatta humming in the background.

"Hey", Tatta finally broke the silence. "Why do you still call me that, anyway?"

"What?", Suguru said absentmindedly as he wrote another note to cross-reference later.

"Tatta. No one calls me that anymore, you know? Not even my mom."

Suguru felt his cheeks redden. "I don't know. I've been calling you that for so long... Do you want me to stop?"

Tatta hummed. "No, I don't think so. I like it. Something only you get to call me."

Yeah, Suguru liked it as well.

♧

Tatta was everywhere.

At breakfast, he stood in line at the same time as Niragi, chatting amiably with Usagi as he piled heaps of fresh fruit onto his pancakes.

When Niragi patrolled the premises, he saw him tinkering with a car outside the garages, smudges of motor oil on his cheeks and tan lines where his shirt was rucking up his arms and stomach.

The one time Niragi actually tried relaxing at the pool, wearing nothing but black swim shorts and basking in the glances it earned him from men and women alike, Tatta was balancing on a floaty with Kuina, his laughter clearly echoing among the dancing people and in Niragi's ears. Niragi left soon after, and following that day, stayed away from the pool all together if given the chance.

Therefore, it should have come as no surprise to him when he woke up one night, craving a midnight snack and a walk to calm his twitching legs and his restless mind, that he ran into Tatta again.

Niragi was about to turn around and walk back the way he came from when he realized who the people were that were pressing Tatta against the wall of the hallway, a grin on their faces and a rifle pointed against Tatta's temple. 

Militants.

Niragi groaned quietly as he pressed himself into the corner behind a big potted plant.

Fuck, he was part of them, but with a few exceptions, he fucking despised those people. They were too much like those bullies from his past.

(He knew that he had turned into one of them, but that was something he tried not to look too closely at.)

A lot of the guys and girls had gotten antsy in the last few weeks, Niragi had come to realize. Aguni was promising them freedom from Hatter’s reign, the hypocritical asshole he was, and Niragi could understand them to a degree. He felt it himself, the humming in his veins, the urge to take his rifle in hand and just shoot at something, anything that moved.

Hence the taking a walk after midnight part.

Shit, these guys seemed to be serious about it too. Something in their eyes reminded Niragi of the bullies that liked to torment him with special flavored rice, bruising baseballs and little metallic objects pressed into the skin of his tongue.

They would kill Tatta. There was no doubt about it.

Niragi had to make a decision. Now.

And it would decide how human he still was, how attached to his past, the part of himself he tried so fucking hard to forget, to erase, to make sure it would never bother him again.

He had to make a choice. Tatta or his carefully crafted reputation. His past or his present.

Fuck.

"Hey shitheads!" He strode forward, his rifle lazily slung over his right shoulder, his usual swagger hopefully hiding how fucking tight his shoulders felt. "You need to stop."

One of the guys raised his eyebrows. "What?"

Niragi nodded towards Tatta who had used the opportunity to get closer to his other weak friends that were hovering nearby.

"That guy's a mechanic. He's useful, especially if dumbasses like you continue to crash our fucking cars. Aguni's orders."

Which wasn't exactly true. It was on Hatter’s orders, but thanks to that weird sort of codependent ... thing those two had going on, it was as good as Aguni's orders.

The guy was still staring at him, confusion apparent on his face, until suddenly, he started grinning. "Oh, I see how it is."

The muscles in Niragi's back constricted even more but he kept his facial expression as bored as possible.

"I doubt that, but sure, go on. Enlighten us."

"You want him for yourself. Your own little punching bag."

He laughed and Niragi let out a silent but very relieved breath.

Sure, why not.

He had to give Daichi more credit, because it seemed that he had at least kept his mouth shut about them before he had gotten himself killed during a Game.

"Whatever", he said, the roll of his eyes very deliberate. Let him think he was right. "Just piss off already."

Luckily, the guy left, but not without throwing him a cheeky wink. The audacity of him, thinking he had figured out one of the smartest people at the Beach …

Tatta and his little group of friends were still there, staring at him with varying stages of confusion and distrust on their faces.

Except Tatta.

Tatta was staring at him with something akin to contemplation, and Niragi couldn't have that.

"Get the fuck out of my face", he snarled. "The Beach is no place for people who are weak and useless and let themselves be intimidated by some wannabe fucks with a gun."

He saw more than one of them open their mouths to answer, probably something along the lines of how he was one of those as well, but he ignored them all, but especially Tatta, who was still staring at him with that particular look on his face that scared Niragi more than he would ever admit.

So, Niragi raised his gun and fired a few shots into the air, finally getting them to scatter and scramble away.

♧

"Suguru, what do I do?"

Suguru sighed and didn't even look up from where he was focused on the game he was playing. He'd come too far to let himself be distracted now.

"Tatta, you can't just barge in without knocking."

"Why not? Are you hiding a girl in here or something?"

Suguru observed from the corners of his eyes how Tatta peeked under his bed before letting himself fall onto it with an exaggerated groan.

"Obviously no girl. You are truly hopeless, you know that? How many confessions have you gotten these last few weeks? One of these days, someone will come and sweep you off your feet."

Not happening, Suguru thought bitterly. He didn't get confessions from boys, after all.

"Oh, while we're on the topic of cute girls. You need to help me."

"With what?", Suguru said, his eyes still glued to the screen on his wall. Almost there, almost there ...

"Suki-chan asked me to go out with her."

GAME OVER

The letters were blinking at him in a deep red, and Suguru stared at them for a few second before he turned around in his chair and looked to where Tatta was still lounging on his bed.

"What?"

"Suki-chan? The one who's doing the calligraphy club?"

Suguru knew who she was. That wasn't what had thrown him off balance though.

"What do you mean, she asked you out?"

Tatta rolled his eyes. "Wow, thanks for that rousing display of confidence in me. Fuck you too, Suguru."

"No, I mean... Sorry, I just thought... Isn't it usually the girl who confesses and the boy who asks her out in return?"

Tatta shrugged. "Sure, if you care for that outdated, archaic and sexist stuff, I guess." He turned around on his back and looked at Suguru's ceiling. "I liked getting asked out. Made me feel all fuzzy, being the one someone wanted, you know?"

Suguru swallowed, but Tatta didn't seem to expect an actual response.

"But now I don't know what to do. You need to help me!"

"With what?", Suguru asked. "Just take her to the movies or something."

"No, she's planning the date."

"Then I don't see a problem."

Tatta whined and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. "What if she kisses me?"

Suguru raised an eyebrow. "I hope she asks you first."

"No, I mean... What if she wants to kiss me and I don't know what to do? I’ve never kissed anybody, and it looks so complicated. What do I even do with my hands?"

Privately, Suguru thought that kissing looked rather simple, but he didn't say that out loud.

"What do you want me to do? I've never been kissed either."

"I don't know. You're the smart one between the two of us. You always know what to do."

"Well, sorry to disappoint. That's not exactly something you can learn from reading a book, and I don't think there's a cram school for kissing."

He turned to his game again, hoping that they were done with the topic all together, but then he heard a quiet gasp that made him look over to Tatta almost against his will.

His best friend was staring at him with big eyes.

"What?"

"You’re a genius!"

"What? Why?"

"Practice kissing."

Oh.

Oh no.

That was a very, very bad idea.

"W-what?"

"Yeah, think about it. It's perfect. We know each other and we won't make fun of each other if we're bad at it, right? So we can just practice with each other and then use everything we've learned when we actually need it."

Such a bad idea.

"But wouldn't that be our first kisses? Aren't those meant to be... special?"

"What, am I not special?", Tatta asked in mock-offense. "But I don't think that would count." He thought for a moment. "Honestly, even if it counted... I'd much rather have my first kiss with somebody I feel comfortable with, you know?"

Shit. Shit shit shit!

"Fine", Suguru sighed, hoping that his inner turmoil wasn't apparent on his face. "How do you want to do this?"

Tatta was staring at him with wide eyes. "What? Really? Now?"

"Sure."

Better to just get this over with.

"Uhm...I don't know. Like... Do you want to sit on the bed for it?"

Suguru got up from his chair and slowly stepped over to the bed. He almost laughed at the wide-eyed look Tatta gave him, like a deer in headlights. He sat down on the edge of his mattress and hoped that his best friend wouldn't be able to hear how hard his stupid heart was beating in his chest.

"You sure you want this?", he asked with a raised eyebrow. "cause it doesn't really look like it to me."

"No, I want to", Tatta answered quickly and scooted closer to him. "Really, I do."

They looked at each other for a few seconds. Having Tatta's eyes on him like this, with clear intent in his gaze, made Suguru's cheeks redden. He felt quite warm in his thick sweater, and his hands were clammy. Nervously, he tried drying them on his jeans.

His only consolation was that Tatta didn't look any better. His cheeks were being overtaken by a deep blush that hid almost all of his freckles, and he was playing with the hem of his sweater, something Suguru knew he only did whenever he was nervous about something.

"Okay, here it goes", Tatta said and leaned forward, but then he stopped suddenly, his eyes on Suguru's face.

"What?"

"Do you... do you think you should take off your glasses?"

"Why?"

"I don't know. I feel they could be in the way."

"You're in the way", Suguru snarked back. He was already insecure about those glasses to begin with, so he really didn't need Tatta piling on top of that now.

"I just mean that they could be pressing into your face. And mine. It might feel better without."

"Don't you think it would look rather stupid if I did that whenever I wanted to kiss somebody?", Suguru asked. "I haven't seen anybody ever do that in any film or TV show I've seen. They're staying. Deal with it."

Tatta rolled his eyes. "Fine", he grumbled. "See if I ever do anything to make you more comfortable again."

Suguru was already on edge, and he really couldn't deal with a grumpy Tatta right now, so he did the only thing that came to his mind: He decided to shut him up.

It was obvious that Tatta hadn't expected that, because when Suguru instinctively closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Tatta's, his best friend let out a small, surprised sound and gripped Suguru's arms tightly.

Suguru was about to pull away, to apologize for blindsiding him like that, but then he felt Tatta's hands glide up his arms and pull him closer. He chose to interpret that as affirmation and focused instead on whatever the hell it was they were actually doing.

Overall, it felt kind of nice.

Tatta's lips were softer than Suguru had expected them to be. Tatta had a bad habit of chewing on them whenever he was distracted or bored, which happened fairly often, so Suguru had thought they would be rough. But they weren't.

Tatta's fingers against his arms felt grounding, and his scent in his nose safe and familiar, something that actually managed to slightly calm Suguru's racing heart.

They didn't move their lips at first, only kept them pressed against each other. It was nice enough, Suguru thought, but he didn't entirely understand what all the fuss was about.

But then Tatta pressed his lips a little harder against his before moving them slightly, his breath puffing out of his nose and against Suguru's cheek. The difference in pressure sent a small tingle through Suguru's lips, and he tentatively put his hands against Tatta's chest, feeling his heart beat against it in a steady motion that calmed him down even more.

This was Tatta, who had been his best friend for almost as long as he could remember, and right now, all of his worries and doubts didn't matter.

This was his first kiss, with the person he trusted most, so he would do his best to just enjoy it.

Those were Tatta's lips against his own, and the longer he felt them slowly glide against his, the better they made him feel.

Reality would come back soon enough. The fact that they were just practicing, that Tatta was about to go on a date with a very adorable tiny girl who was kind and objectively pretty, that he was only doing this because he was supposed to kiss her on their date ... Suguru would ignore all that, even if only for a little while, and would allow himself to just feel.

♧

Slowly but surely, Niragi got really good at it. At antagonizing Tatta and his friends, while also keeping him alive without them noticing.

Word got out that Niragi wanted his own punching bag and that he had chosen Tatta as his favorite victim, so people left Tatta alone for the most part.

If they participated in the same Game, Niragi kept an eye on him, shooting the people who tried to harm him in Spades Games, boasting and preening as he solved the riddles and puzzles in a Diamonds Game to get the whole team to win, and actually almost got himself killed as he stepped between Tatta and a dagger that was thrown at him. It lodged itself into Niragi's shoulder and had him out of commission for almost a week. Explaining that to Aguni had been a fucking pain in the ass.

It got exponentially harder after Hatter got himself killed. Tensions were high and the Militants were a lot harder to control. People died left and right, even before the whole clusterfuck that was the Ten of Hearts Game.

Niragi was actually pretty astonished that they'd all gotten out of there alive. And running around Tokyo, with a few burns on his body but finally fucking alone for once, not caring what happened to almost anyone, and not having to look after a certain cap-wearing individual, felt like breathing for the first time in way too fucking long.

So, of course, it was them he ran into at that fucking King of Clubs Game.

He had no idea why he'd chosen that one specifically, (He had. Clubs were Tatta's specialty, after all), but this time, even he was at his wits end. There was no thinkable way for them to end the Game, and yes, he had lashed out at the only person that had ever meant anything to him. Sue him, he didn't want to die. He was allowed to get a little overwhelmed, okay?

He stayed close to their base, perched on one of the containers nearby, while Kuina left to find a place to be alone, Usagi left to find that last useless hidden item, and Arisu left to find a way into her heart, or into her pants, whatever it was he was actually gunning for. Niragi didn't care enough to figure that out.

It left him wondering what it was he wanted to find in this world. What was important enough for him to spend his last ten minutes on earth, or at least on this fucked up semblance of earth, searching for?

Niragi knew the answer, but he really didn't like it. Because the truth was that he didn't have to go looking for it. Didn’t have to find it at all. It had been there for weeks, right in front of his nose, but he was a coward, the same useless fuckup he had been as a teen, and he didn't deserve what he wanted. So he would die like that, and he certainly wouldn't try to reach out.

Too far gone in his head he almost missed how Tatta got up from his slumped position on the floor and made his way to one of the containers that was still close, but far enough away that it couldn't be seen directly from the base.

Niragi wondered if it was the same thing Kuina had left for, to be alone, even though Tatta had already been alone, or had thought himself to be alone at least.

But then, a loud bang echoed across the container yard and when Niragi finally understood what was happening, he almost broke all of his bones in his haste to get from his own container and to the one Tatta was apparently using to sever his own hand.

"You fucking idiot", Niragi raged as he pulled Tatta away from the opened container door. "You're not allowed to die. I won't fucking let you, you hear me?"

Tatta was staring at him, with tears running down his face and blood dripping from his hand.

"I have to get it off", he whispered as he swayed from side to side, the pain obviously making him dizzy. "We can win if I get it off."

Niragi had already understood his plan. And it was a good idea, he had to admit, but there was no fucking way he was letting him die as a fucking martyr in this Game.

(There was no fucking way he was letting him die, period.)

"I can try to dislocate it", he said instead and slung his arm around Tatta almost without thinking when he started swaying way more heavily. "Your thumb, I mean."

"It doesn't work like that", Tatta murmured with his head pressed against Niragi's shoulder.

"Yes, it does if you've already dislocated it a few times in the past."

"Oh yeah, right. I did that", Tatta murmured, his cap pressing uncomfortably into Niragi's neck. He didn't say anything though, just searched for Tatta's injured hand and took it in one of his.

"This is going to hurt."

"'s fine", Tatta murmured. "I deserve that."

"I fucking doubt that", Niragi muttered.

"You know?", Tatta murmured. "I knew a Niragi once. He was shorter though. Yeah, he was shorter than you."

Niragi couldn't help but snort, even as his hands shook violently at the thought of what he was about to do.

(At the thought of Tatta actually remembering him.)

"He probably wasn’t as handsome as I am", he said while he circled Tatta's thumb with his own fingers.

"No", Tatta slurred. "He was pretty though. Like, really, really pretty. And sweet, when he wanted to be."

"Yeah?", Niragi asked, his voice breaking halfway through the single word. "I don't think that's something I could ever be."

"No, you could", Tatta murmured.

It was a good thing Niragi chose that moment to pull Tatta’s thumb back with force, because in the following chaos of Tatta crying out in pain, their other teammates arriving and Arisu taking off with the bracelet, Niragi managed to sneak away quietly to watch the display with bated breath and his heart beating heavily in his throat.

And when the voice announced them the winners, he left before anyone could get the idea to follow him.

♧

Tatta was quiet. Unnaturally so.

He'd come over unannounced, as he did most of the time, and had occupied the space on Suguru's bed with his limbs spread out like a starfish, something that was equally as normal for him.

But now he was just lying there, staring up at the ceiling, quiet and subdued.

"Are you okay?"

"Hm?", Tatta answered, clearly not listening.

"I asked if you are okay."

"Oh... Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Tatta nodded, his mind clearly someplace else.

Suguru waited for a few moments, but when Tatta didn't say anything else, he decided to let it go, focusing on his book again.

A few minutes later, the sighing started.

Suguru tried to ignore it the first few times, but when it happened for the fifth time, he audibly shut the pages of his book.

"What's the matter with you today?"

"Nothing", Tatta mumbled.

"It's clearly not nothing if it has you wallowing like that. Seriously, what's up? Is your mother okay?"

Tatta turned his head for the first time, shooting Suguru a quick smile. "Yeah, Mom's fine, don't worry."

"Okay, but you very clearly aren't. So what's up?"

Suguru's gaze fell onto the calendar he had pinned to his wall next to the window. There were no important dates, no tests or exams coming up. There had only been...

"Oh", he said quietly. "Did the date not go as planned? Was it bad?"

Tatta sighed again. "No, it was fine, I suppose."

"But?"

"There are no buts. The date was fine, the movie was good, the food was delicious, everything was how a perfect first date should be, I guess."

"Then what's the issue? Didn't get that kiss you wanted?"

Tatta was quiet, and for a moment Suguru felt like he had found the problem, but then Tatta opened his mouth again. "No, I did."

Suguru ignored the sting in his chest. "Was it a bad kiss?", he asked instead.

There was another pause, then Tatta shook his head. "No, I don't... I don't think so."

"Okay ..." Suguru wasn't quite sure if he should prod him any further. Tatta was clearly reluctant to say anything, but it was also very obvious that he did want to talk about it, at least in a way. "Look, you have to give me something here..."

"I liked kissing you more."

Oh.

Tatta looked pained, like those words had just tumbled from his lips against his will, and Suguru swallowed.

"Maybe you were just nervous and that's why it felt weird?", he said.

Tatta turned to look at the ceiling again. "No, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because it didn't feel weird or bad. It just really wasn't as good."

"Maybe it will next time."

"There isn't going to be a next time."

"Why not?"

"Because we agreed that it didn't feel right."

"Oh." Suguru stared at his own hands he was wringing in his lap. "I'm sorry", he mumbled.

Tatta's head whipped around. "What are you sorry for?"

Suguru shrugged. "If we hadn't had this practice kiss, it wouldn't have felt wrong to you."

Tatta shook his head. "You can't know that", he said. "And stop apologizing, I was the one who suggested it." He sighed again. "If anything, I should be the one saying sorry."

Suguru frowned. "For what?"

"For making this awkward."

"Why would this be awkward? There's nothing wrong with not wanting to kiss somebody."

Tatta looked at him for a moment, then turned his head away, not meeting Suguru's eyes. "Because I want to kiss you again."

Suguru couldn't stop the sharp breath that was leaving his lips. "Because you want to see if it was really better than kissing Suki-chan?"

"No. I just want to kiss you again."

Suguru was on the bed faster than either of them could really process, straddling Tatta's hips and placing both of his hands to the sides of Tatta's head.

Tatta stared up at him with those big eyes again, and Suguru didn't think he could take it if Tatta was making fun of him right now.

"Tell me you aren't joking", he demanded, before adding a quiet "Please."

Tatta was still staring at him, his mouth slightly agape. "I'm not joking", he finally whispered. "I would never joke about this."

That was good enough for Suguru.

He lowered his head slowly, still searching Tatta's eyes for something, some sign that he didn't want this after all, didn't feel as strongly about this as Suguru did, but couldn't find anything along those lines.

Finally, Suguru closed his eyes, feeling Tatta's warm breath fanning against his mouth, and closed the remaining distance between them.

This time, the tingling was there from the moment he touched his lips against Tatta's. He felt more than he heard Tatta sigh against his mouth, felt his fingers grip his arms, felt him press closer and move his lips as he had done the last time.

They kissed like that for what felt like an eternity before Suguru pulled away slowly. "Still better than Suki-chan?", he asked, incredibly pleased with how Tatta's chest was heaving and how his cheeks were painted a lovely red.

Tatta let his hands wander from Suguru arms over his shoulders to his neck where they buried themselves into his hair. "Yes. Now will you stop mentioning her and kiss me again?"

Suguru did, amazed by how it felt exhilarating and incredibly calming at the same time. Tatta's smell, the softness of his lips, the steadiness of his beating heart when Suguru pressed a hand against his chest, ... it was everything he needed.

That was, until Tatta tentatively opened his lips and let the tip of his tongue glide against Suguru's lips. For a second, Suguru wondered if he had done this with his date as well, but then he opened his own mouth and pressed the tip of his own tongue against Tatta's, and he stopped thinking all together.

A sound reached his ears, a quiet whine that held so much desperation, and it took Suguru a few seconds to realize that it had been him who had made it.

He stiffened, about to pull away from Tatta in shame, but Tatta gripped his shoulders and kept him close.

"Don't stop", he said, pleaded, demanded, and Suguru was astonished to see the same kind of desperation in his eyes. "Please don't stop."

And so he didn't.

♧

He didn't get far. At least, not for long.

He spent some time alone again, hiding in destroyed buildings and raided drug stores, until he got bored from sitting around and doing nothing.

He wanted this to finally end, wanted this terrible place to go away, or himself to disappear. He didn't care if he made it back (he did, but only if he got to take a certain somebody with him), he just wanted it to be over.

The easiest way to achieve that were the Games, so he decided to try his hand at another one. He was smart, always had been, even if most people wouldn't expect that from him these days. He didn't care, but he still chose the Jack of Diamonds.

And, of course, they were there as well.

Not their smartest choice, Niragi thought privately as he spotted them sitting in a circle. None of them were Diamonds Specialists, and while he would agree that Arisu was quite intelligent and Usagi probably had a pretty good understanding of tactics, Tatta and Kuina were so out of place it hurt to even look at them.

They didn't see him until registration was finished. Tatta's eyes widened when Niragi finally stepped closer, and he looked like he was about to say something to him, but then the voice announced the start of the Game and listed the rules.

It was a Game about general knowledge, from what Niragi could gather. Pretty boring in his opinion, but he saw a few people who clearly thought otherwise.

Tatta was among them. His face had turned a pale-ish green, and he was starting to look quite nervous, playing with the hem of his shirt like he used to do when they were younger.

Luck, however, seemed to be on his side.

They were allowed to play together during most of it, conversing among themselves to find the right answer. Niragi kept to himself but provided an answer when needed, right until the voice announced that the last part of the Game would be a lightning round where each player was competing against a player from the Jack's team.

It was then that Tatta started shaking. And worse, his friends just let him, throwing him sidelong glances that told Niragi they were already expecting the worst.

He himself aced his own round, beating his opponent five to zero and even earning himself a few cheers. He didn't care, his eyes wandering to Tatta again almost immediately.

He didn't realize it at first, the steps he took that got him closer and closer to the other man. The hand he used to grip Tatta's wrist, (his healthy one), and the thumb he pressed against his pulse, against that heavily beating heart.

He watched Tatta turn around, but before he could say something, Niragi opened his own mouth, letting the words he tried so hard to keep to himself for months tumble out and fall into the small space still left between them.

"Hey Tatta", he said. He gripped the wrist a little tighter and let a soothing thumb run along the skin. "Remember Sora-sensei? You aced all his pop quizzes, even though you never thought you would."

Tatta stared at him for a second, and Niragi could practically see his anxious brain lagging until it actually processed what Niragi had said.

"I knew it", he whispered then. "I fucking knew it."

"Yeah", Niragi sighed. "Obviously, you did. Cause you're a lot smarter than people give you credit for." He stroked Tatta's wrist one last time before he let him go. "And now go and kick that wannabe Sora-sensei's fucking ass."

And Tatta did.

♧

After they finished off the Jack of Diamonds Team, Niragi left.

At least he tried to at first, but then there was a hand that held his own wrist in a strong grip.

"Stay", Tatta said. "Please".

Niragi shook his head. "I doubt that would be a good idea."

"I don't care if it's a good idea or not", Tatta answered. "We weren't exactly known for our well thought-out ideas in the past, were we?"

No, they weren't, Niragi thought as one particular bad idea rose to the forefront of his mind again. The one that had plagued him for weeks. The one that ended in a kiss. In a lot of kisses, to be exact.

"This is different”, he said. “They don't want me.” He nodded his head to Arisu, Usagi, and Kuina, who were standing a little to the side, with matching confused stares on their faces. Or at least Arisu and Kuina seemed confused. Usagi seemed ... weirdly not.

"They'll get used to you", Tatta shrugged, seemingly unbothered by the fact that he was inviting a maniac into his friend group.

"I'm dangerous."

"Not to me. You kinda saved me a lot."

"You noticed that?"

Tatta laughed. "Yeah. It was confusing as hell honestly. That whole antagonizing us while also keeping me alive thing you had going on. It didn't make any sense. Until it did."

"When did you figure it out? That I'm … me?"

"I thought you were from time to time, but you look nothing like how you did before. It was the dislocated thumb that convinced me, but only after I wasn't delirious with pain anymore, at which point you'd already left, you asshole."

"Didn't think you'd want me around", Niragi shrugged. "Felt like they weren't necessarily happy about me hurting you."

(I wasn't happy about me hurting you, he didn't say.)

"Are you serious? You saved our fucking lives", Tatta exclaimed. "I don't care how much you hurt me; we all owe you one. So please, come with us. We've got a warm place to stay and food and medicine. We can look at your burns, and we can get you some clean clothes. We even got a generator running, so we've got some warm water for the shower."

A warm shower sounded fucking heavenly, Niragi thought. Not sleeping in some ransacked and dirty building did as well. And as he looked into Tatta's eyes, as warm and brown as he remembered, he knew that there was no fucking way he was going to say no to him.

♧

Suguru was staring down at Tatta, marveling at how red his cheeks were and how his eyes shone in the faint moonlight gleaming through the open window.

"You can touch me", Tatta whispered. "You will, right? You want to?"

It sounded like a prayer to Suguru's ears, even though he didn't normally believe in such things. Like a wish, like a plea. You want to touch me? Just like how I want you to?

And Suguru's answer, obviously, was yes.

♧

Niragi woke up in a bed, with the sheets pooling around his waist and his heart running a mile a minute.

He looked around to see if somebody was watching him, but he was alone. They'd given him his own room, for his own sake or maybe for theirs, he didn't actually know.

Fuck.

He'd tried so hard to forget that specific part of their past.

It had already been so hard to remember how they kissed, and how after that second time, they actually hadn't stopped kissing. They never defined what they were to each other, but they kissed every chance they got, until ... until Tatta left. Moved away to the countryside, after his mom finally divorced her piece of shit husband and left her old life behind. Took Tatta with her. Away from Niragi.

But not before they crossed that one final line. Like a goodbye, a long and breathless goodbye, they had clung to each other. Had held each other afterwards until they had fallen asleep in each other's arms, only for Tatta to leave in the morning.

It was the last time they'd seen each other. They promised to stay in touch, of course they did, but time went on without asking them for permission and the messages and calls got fewer and farther between, until, at some point, Niragi stopped thinking about him all together, too preoccupied with how his bullies decided to beat his face to a pulp now that he was all alone.

(He never forgot Tatta. It was just easier to tell himself that than asking himself why he never reached out.)

But now they were together again, and fuck, Niragi had no idea how to actually deal with that.

He groaned quietly and rubbed his hands over his face. The afternoon had been fucking awkward, with him keeping away from the rest of them.

Tatta left him alone for the most part. First, Niragi had been hurt and angry, thinking that he had lied about wanting him around, but then he realized that he was doing it for his sake, and that had made him even more angry. He didn't need to be fucking coddled.

So after a quick shower that had indeed been fucking heaven to his tired limbs, he had disappeared into the room Usagi had shown him, and slept until now.

Niragi knew he wouldn't get any more sleep any time soon.

He got up and silently opened the door. The others were camping out in the living room, a few sofas pushed together and thick pillows and blankets forming a big nest they were all lying in.

All, except one, it seemed.

Niragi looked around, but he couldn't find Tatta anywhere, and he was about to return to his room and surrender himself to a sleepless night with his fucked up thoughts, when a quiet whisper broke the silence.

"Tatsuta's taken over first watch tonight. On the roof."

It seemed that not everybody had been asleep after all. Usagi had raised her head slightly and was staring at him with a look he couldn't quite decipher.

Niragi only nodded in thanks and turned around to the hallway and the stairs that led to the roof of the building they were holed up in.

It was cold when he stepped onto the roof. Not freezing, but they were quite high up and the wind was blowing and getting into Niragi's shirt. He should have chosen different clothes when they offered him some, cozy ones and not the ones that made him look good.

He found Tatta sitting on the edge of the roof, with his legs swinging freely over the precipice and his head placed onto his arms that were lying on the metal bars of the railing. At the sound of the door falling shut behind Niragi, he looked up and smiled at him.

"Hi", he said.

"... Hi", Niragi answered. He waited, but when Tatta didn't say anything else, he stepped closer and chose to sit down next to him against the railing, looking out over the dark expanse that was Tokyo at night. At least in this world.

They were silent for a while, with Tatta humming contently and Niragi's brain frantically searching for something to say.

"How's your mother?", he finally asked before closing his eyes. Could he be any more awkward?

But Tatta smiled at him. "She's good. Was good, the last time we spoke. She still lives up in Hachinohe, so I'm hoping that whatever happened to us didn't happen to her. But yeah, she's been doing fine. Found herself a boyfriend if you can believe it. Someone who treats her right, from what I could see."

Niragi realized that the news actually made him happy. Because she’d been good to him, back then. A good woman. Because she deserved the best.

"That's good", he finally said.

They were quiet again, until Tatta laughed. "This is awkward", he said.

Niragi squinted at him. "Why?", he said. "Because you brought your enemy to your hiding place, or because the last time we saw each other in the real world, we had sex and then you moved away?"

Tatta snorted. "Both, probably. Though let me say this now: I regret neither."

"You should."

"Nah. Wasn't the worst sex I've had. By far, actually", Tatta said and then he grinned, all teeth and twinkling eyes.

Niragi rolled his eyes. "I wasn't talking about that." He waited a moment before admitting: "You're right though, the sex was weirdly good, considering it was the first time for both of us. It should have been much worse."

Tatta laughed again. "I know, right? We're probably remembering it wrong. Like that nostalgic feeling you get about things that weren't actually as good as you believe them to be." But then he turned serious. "I don't regret inviting you along either. Though I'm a little pissed at you for not telling me sooner."

Niragi raised both eyebrows. "It's not my fault you couldn't recognize your oldest friend."

"You've changed", Tatta protested, and his hands gripped the railing tightly. "Like, a lot."

"I got hot", Niragi corrected him, because he needed to get this conversation onto different rails. Right now, it didn't feel like he was even close to holding the steering wheel, and he didn't like that.

"Yeah, you did", Tatta admitted, and it passed his lips so easily that Niragi couldn't do anything but stare at him for a moment. Then he shook his head.

"Wrong priorities", he said. "You really should be a lot more bothered by the fact that you don't know me at all."

"I do, actually."

"No, you don't."

"I might not know the person you are today, but I still know a lot about you. Things that won't have changed as easily as your hair or your piercings or those rock-hard abs you're hiding under your shirt."

"My... my what now?", Niragi spluttered.

"Oh, don't be like that. I saw you at the pool that one time. I've got eyes, and you got hot, you've said it yourself."

"I... You know what, that's not the point I'm trying to make here", Niragi argued, glad that his blush was partially hidden by the darkness surrounding them. He hadn't been this flustered by a mere compliment since... he actually couldn't remember. "The point is that you don't know a thing about me."

"Hm, I'm pretty sure that's not true. I know for a fact that you have a sweet tooth. You always had a pack of pocky hidden under your pillow, and I've seen you running around more than once with something that looked suspiciously like a chocolate bar in your breast pocket."

Niragi wanted to deny that, even if it was true, but Tatta didn't actually let him, going on like this was something he’d spent a long time thinking about. Niragi wondered if he had.

"I know that you're extremely smart. Like, knowing the periodic table by heart and being able to do complicated calculator-math in your head smart. I know you like learning and knowing new things, and I know that glint you get in your eyes whenever you understand something that you previously didn't. You bite your bottom lip when you think really hard." He stopped and smiled at the wide-eyed look Niragi couldn't hide from his face. "I know what you taste like, I know what you feel like. I know that I've never met anyone else like you."

Niragi swallowed against the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. "You only want me for my brain. Because you have a higher chance at winning all those Games." It sounded hollow, even to his own ears.

Tatta shook his head. "That may be true for the others. I don't actually know why they agreed to let you stay. Not with all of them." He turned to look at the night sky, full of twinkling stars you normally wouldn't be able to see in Tokyo. "But I wanted you back then and I've wanted you ever since, so I'm not going to stop wanting you now."

"I killed people." Niragi's voice was shaking.

Tatta just looked at him "So have I. We all have."

Niragi breathed in and then out, once, twice, three times. "I don't think I know how to be that person anymore."

"That's fine. You don't have to be. You can just be you. Niragi Suguru, the guy who can probably sharpshoot anybody from a mile away, who knows a lot but rarely shows it anymore, the guy who thought it would be a good idea to wear a fucking dress shirt instead of a sweater, because he might be a little too focused on looking pretty for the people around."

Niragi rolled his eyes, but he still accepted the jacket Tatta was offering him when he saw that he was still wearing a thick hoodie underneath it. It smelled like Niragi remembered, and for the first time in many, many years, he felt like crying.

"Stop saying all this shit", he mumbled instead. "I don't try to look pretty for people."

(Only for you, he didn't say, but he thought Tatta got it regardless. He’d always been able to read between his lines.)

Tatta shrugged, his head placed onto his hands on the railing again, but his face directed at Niragi. "I’ll stop if you really want me to. But then I'm just thinking all this nice stuff about you, and you’ll never know what it is."

Niragi squinted at him. "Are you... bribing me with affection?"

Tatta grinned. "Yes. Yes, I am."

♧

Later, after Kuina came to take over the next shift, Niragi - no, Suguru - no, Niragi Suguru, slipped under the covers beside Tatta.

It was nice and comfortable and completely painless. Tatta’s arm around his waist felt grounding, just like he remembered, and his scent in his nose safe and familiar.

Something inside of him protested, a small voice that told him it shouldn't be this easy. Easy in a way he didn't think he would get to have, because people like him didn't get to have easy.

But it was.

It was easy.