Chapter Text
“I’m gonna put Harry to bed James” Lily says holding their very tired one year old.
James always thought this was the life he wanted, the girl of his dreams, their beloved child in a cozy home, that’s exactly what he had and yet it is not what he wants at all.
Him and Lily got together in his seventh year, almost right after his rather soul crushing breakup with Regulus, things had gone so wrong so fast, Regulus had gotten the Dark Mark, James had screamed, Regulus broke up with him and left him crying in the hall, it was awful.
For a while this seemed like the correct thing, him and Lily, the war was brewing and they joined The order of the Phoenix, James and Lily got married…and then Lily confessed that she didn’t like James, or any guy for that matter, they were going to announce it to their friends and divorce…but then Lily found out she was pregnant.
And the cherry on top, Dumbledore warned them that their child, could be the one to put an end to you-know-who’s reign…so James’ child would be every death’s eaters target, with all of that Lily and James decided to keep Lily’s discovery to themselves and raise their son together.
If the poor baby was going to have everyone aiming for his head, James wanted his son to be loved and cherished by those who truly loved him.
Now don’t get him wrong, James still loves Lily, it may no longer be romantic but she is still one of his favorite people in the world, James would gladly died for Lily no questions asked, she was still kind, smart, witty Lily who he fell for when he was eleven.
“Sure Lils” James smiles, Harry had been trick or treating around the neighborhood, or more like Lily carried him around on his deer onesie (courtesy of wormtail) while he was making grabby hands whenever he saw candy, so the lad was exhausted.
Just as James was going to stand up he felt it, the ward being penetrated by magic, it wasn’t wormtail, someone got in.
“James” Lily says clutching Harry.
“I know, go upstairs, grab your wand, send Padfoot a Patronus, tell him someone is here” James says grabbing his wand from the coffee table.
“Not without you” Lily says.
“I can buy you time Lily now GO!” James says.
Lily gives him a pained look and runs upstairs, clutching their toddler to her chest.
James goes to the door and his hands start to tremble, who found them? and most importantly, how? is Peter ok? James trusted Peter with his life, he was one of his closest friends, a marauder, and the kindest of all the marauders, so of course when it came time to choose a secret keeper, it had been hard between all three of his best friends, but James knew Peter would keep them safe.
So if someone knows they’re here then something horrible must’ve happened to Peter.
The door is damn near blasted off its hinges and James freezes, because his eyes are lying to him, there is no way in hell what he’s looking at is real, he’s seeing a ghost.
The ghost of none other than Regulus Arcturus Black.
The same Regulus that two years ago, on June 11, 1979 was pronounced death after a thorough investigation.
James remembers that day vividly, the radio was on just playing whatever, and then the announcement came on.
“Today, we are sad to announce that 18 year old Regulus Arcturus Black, heir of the Noble and Ancient House of Black, has been pronounced death after an extensive investigation”
James remembers feeling like he couldn’t breath, he remembers the way Sirius dropped the plate he was holding as he walked in, the last thing both of them told Regulus was that he was no better than his parents, and now they could never take it back, James still can’t do certain things without bursting into tears, he is still mourning the loss of the boy he once so fiercely loved, so how? how is that same boy standing in front of him.
“Grab your cloak you’ve been sold out” Regulus says pushing James further into the house.
James is still staring at Regulus, he looks thinner, way thinner than the last time he saw him, his hair is a mess, and his arms are covered on scratch marks, or more specifically claw marks, it was almost as if something had dug its fingers into his flesh and tried to rip it off, he looks tired, the bags under his eyes are darker than James has ever seen them.
“Potter!” Regulus screams, snapping James out of his trance.
“Huh?” James asks.
“Get your cloak, get your family, we don’t have time!” Regulus says then goes to the railing of the stairs “Evans! get down here you gotta get out of here now!”
James finally gets his feet to move, he grabs his cloak as Lily runs downstairs, she too freezes when she sees Regulus who is fixing the door back in its hinges.
“Am I hallucinating?” Lily asks as she rushes to James’ side.
“We both might” James says.
“I thought he was dead” Lily says.
“Me too” James says.
Regulus turns to them and grabs both of their hands “I’ll explain everything when we’re in the clear” and that’s all they get before Regulus is apparating them all out of there.
With a loud crack, they all arrive to what appears to be a muggle flat.
“Prongs!” Sirius says bolting to him, he hugs both him and Lily then checks on Harry.
“Mate what’s going on?” James asks.
“Fuck, we were hoping you had the answers” Remus says hugging Lily.
“One second me and Moony were cuddling the next my fucking dead brother is barging in, demanding to know where you are and telling me if I want to see you all alive I better cough it up” Sirius says.
“I apologize for my behavior, I was erratic and needed to bring you all to safety” Regulus says then flicks his wand “Tea?”
“Only if you explain” Lily says stepping forward.
“Where’s Pete?” Sirius asks “When are you going to go get him?”
“I’m not…please sit” Regulus says, finally catching his breath as some cups for tea float in, followed by a pot.
“What do you mean you’re not going to go get him? if we’re in danger so is he!” Remus says.
“Peter Pettigrew sold you out, to the dark lord” Regulus says.
What?
Huh?
No
No that has to be wrong, Peter would never.
“You’re bluffing” Sirius says.
“Yes Sirius, I faked my death only to come back two years later, frantically broke into two separate houses and apparate you all to my secret flat because I wanted to lie to you, that’s exactly what I did” Regulus says sarcastically before taking a deep breath “Pettigrew works for the Dark Lord, he has for…at least two years to my knowledge.”
“Two years?” Lily asks appalled, she has not put Harry down since they got here.
“At first I didn’t catch it, I was too busy with other stuff that I didn’t pay attention, until one day I saw him, walking out of the Dark Lord’s office, he nodded at me and went on with his day, the week after that we attacked the library” Regulus says.
“Fabian” Lily covers her mouth, that day at the library, two years ago they were supposed to be getting information about dark wizards when the group was attacked…Fabian, Gideon’s twin brother, was killed by Severus Snape, it was an ambush, and according to Regulus, they knew they were there, because of Peter.
“There are other instances, The Ministry, The patrols…The McKinnons” Regulus says.
“No” James says “no no please tell me you’re not sure about that one, not…please no, please Marlene loved Peter as if he was her family”
“I’m sorry” Regulus says.
Marlene and her entire family were wiped, killed in their own home only three months ago…because of Peter.
Marlene was dead, because of Peter.
Dorcas died, because of Peter.
They all sit in silence, everyone in the Order knew there was a spy among them, it planted doubt, Remus and Sirius almost broke up because of it, everyone doubted everyone but not Peter, James could’ve never thought the traitor, the reason so many of his friends were dead…was because of Peter.
“And he sold out James?” Sirius asks, bubbling anger climbing up his throat.
“Yes” Regulus says.
Remus holds Sirius’ hand, a comforting gesture to stop the other from going berserk.
“How are you here? everyone thinks you’re dead” Lily says “How do you know all of this?”
“It’s a long story, but luckily, we have time” Regulus says.
Regulus tells them everything, how a year after he took the mark, on his seventeenth birthday, You-Know-Who asked to borrow Kreacher, Regulus was terribly fond of his house elf, so when the poor creature returned battered and afraid, Regulus snapped, he tells them about how he found out what You-Know-Who made Kreacher hide, about all he learned about dark magic, he tells them what Horcruxes are and that the crazy bastard has made several in an attempt to be immortal.
Then he tells them about the cave, about the potion…and the inferi.
That’s where his scars are from, he tells them the inferi attacked him. Regulus has to stop and breath when he explains he had ordered Kreacher to leave him there, to run away with the real Horcrux and destroy it.
But for the first time in his life, Kreacher disobeyed a direct order and saved Regulus…but he paid it with his own life.
“I hid here, muggle France, but I knew The Dark Lord-”
“You-Know-Who” Sirius interrupts Regulus.
“What?” Regulus asks.
“His followers call him Dark Lord, everyone else calls him You-Know-Who” Remus explains.
“That sounds stupid, I knew that HE would continue to create more Horcruxes, I believe he’s made six but I could be wrong, while trying to find the location of some of them I stumbled upon his prophecy, about your child” Regulus looks at James and Lily “It took me no time to connect the dots that Pettigrew would sell you to him if he knew where you were, I had no time to think I just acted”
“Why risk yourself to save us?” Lily asks skeptical.
“Because I’m an idiot” Regulus says without a second thought “I didn’t think, I moved”
“Can we be tracked?” Lily asks.
“No, I have this place extremely warded and there is only one person that knows I’m alive and here” Regulus says.
“Crouch?” Remus asks, James doesn’t miss the way Regulus flinches ever so slightly at the mention of his friend.
“Lovegood” Regulus says.
“Xylophone?” Sirius asks.
“Pandora Lovegood, and her husband’s name is Xenophilius, Sirius” Regulus says.
“Bless you” Sirius says, clearly trying to lighten up the mood, but his expression screams what his mouth can’t
Lily stands up “Does this place have a guest room that you won’t mind I turn into a nursery?”
“Take your pic” Regulus says.
“I’ll be with Harry” Lily says and the others nod.
“I’ll help out” Remus says, following after her.
“What was your goal when you saved Prongs eh? what’s the objective here Regulus?” Sirius asks.
“I told you already Sirius, I did this without thinking, this plan could have gotten me killed for real this time thanks to how messy it was made, I just…I couldn’t stand the thought of you two dying, I know you would die to if something happened to Potter” Regulus says.
Before James or Sirius can get a word in, Regulus stands up.
“There are more vacant rooms, I will see you in the morning” It’s all he said before he went down the narrow hall, and into his bedroom.
James looks at Sirius then back at the door, Regulus Black, the boy that broke his heart and stomped on the pieces, the boy he loved and mourned, the boy he cried tears like he himself was dying…saved his life.
The lives of his family.
James really wanted Regulus to be lying, he wanted him to be wrong about Peter, but when they get to the small house that James called home, it was destroyed, the door was properly blasted off its hinges this time, the furniture was destroyed, it was painfully clear, someone had entered, and looked for them.
Lily hands Harry to James before lifting her wand, she mumbles a spell and the light figures of Peter and Voldemort appear.
“Where. are. they?” Voldemort turns to Peter.
“I-I don’t know my lord, this is where they went into hiding, I’ve been here countless times they should be here” Peter says, his voice beginning to tremble.
“All I’m hearing is Shoulds and I don’t knows, that brat could be my downfall, your simple task was to bring me to him so I could end him, and yet, you failed” Voldemort says.
“I’ll find them my lord! if they weren’t here I-I’m sure Dumbledore will call us all to a meeting, I won’t fail you again my lord please forgive me” Peter begs.
Lily banishes the memory…then lets out a scream, a scream filled with anger, sorrow, betrayal and grief.
James holds Harry close to him and casts a silencing charm on his little ears.
“Traitor! we trusted him!” Lily screams, and objects start flying “Marlene trusted him! Dorcas trusted him! Fabian! Gideon! Edgar! Caradoc! Benjy! one by fucking one he led them to their death and dared to cry at their funerals! he was on Marlene’s and Dorcas wedding!” Lily starts crying “He’s promising he will give my son to that monster I will kill him, next time I see him I swear on the memory of my father I will kill him.”
James understands her emotions, but more than anger he feels sadness and confusion, why would Peter do this?
“Fear” Regulus says while standing next to him, watching Sirius and Remus comfort Lily “He thought he was on the losing side, so in fear, he chose the side he thinks will win.”
“Did I say it out loud?” James asks, he knows he didn’t, Regulus was always amazing at picking up how James felt, seems like that hasn’t changed.
“No” Its all Regulus says.
They grab some of Harry’s stuff before Regulus apparates them back to France, its not ideal but its a good hiding spot, the flat is spacious, definitely enchanted to be big enough for how many people are in it, according to Regulus only him and Pandora can apparate in and out of it, only Pandora’s Patronus can come in and only her owl can find the address, and thanks to the fact that its located in muggle Paris, they can actually go further away from the building.
“But we can’t stay here, Dumbledore doesn’t know we’re here and he will call a meeting for the order soon, we have to tell him about Peter” Remus says.
“He knows” Regulus says.
“What?” Lily asks.
“Dumbledore knows, he knew it was Pettigrew, probably from the beginning that I’m not sure of but he knows” Regulus says.
“No, he would’ve warned us” James says.
“He wouldn’t have…” Sirius says, having everyone turn to him, Sirius and Regulus make eye contact, they’re not saying anything to one another but an entire conversation is taking place.
James has seen them do this before, a silent language only the brother’s seem to understand, to anyone who doesn’t know them as well as James does, Sirius and Regulus are just blankly staring at each other, but James knows, the very subtle twitch of eyebrows, the slight shift in stance, they learned this so that whenever they were at the diner table with their parents they could still communicate.
“He needed Prongs and Lils to die” Sirius says.
Regulus nods.
“Why?” Sirius asks.
“He needs to be able to manipulate “the chosen one”, so he can feel like he’s fixed his past mistakes” Regulus says.
“Past mistakes? what past mistakes?” Remus asks
“Gellert Grindelward” Lily says “I made a report about him on my sixth year, about all the crimes he committed against the wizarding world and that got me called to Dumbledore’s office, he called him an old friend gone astray is that it? he wants to vicariously fix his past mistakes with this?”
“That’s the root of it yes” Regulus says “Old friend is a bit of an understatement, see for the past two years the fact that everyone thinks I’m dead has given me the chance to really learn about some stuff, Gellert Grindelward wasn’t a friend of Dumbledore, he was his lover, a lover with whom he made a promise, they could never harm one another. Which as we now know was a terrible idea since Grindelward went on to commit several crimes against muggles and muggle-borns alike. Now, Dumbledore is viewing this entire war as some personal benefit, so he wants this to get bad, he wants HIM to rise, to become stronger to be a true threat to the wizarding world, the same way Grindelward was, and only when he was reached that level of destruction, he wants to take him down. to atone from his past to give himself some peace of mind.”
“What does that have to do with Lily and James being dead?” Remus asks.
“He can’t control the chosen one if he can hide behind mummy and daddy” Regulus says.
“He needs you two dead, so he can use Harry” Sirius says, anger and disgust in his tone.
“B-but that plan is flawed! Sirius is Harry’s Godfather if something were to happen to us he would go to him” James says.
“Can’t take Harry in if he is in Azkaban” Regulus says.
“Why would Sirius be imprisoned?” Lily asks.
“Simple, betraying you two, giving away your location to the death eaters” Regulus says.
“But it was Peter who did it” Remus says.
“Who would be more suspicious? a quiet and nervous boy like Pettigrew, or the disowned heir of the Noble and Ancient House of Black? that bastard would probably find a way to incriminate me to further isolate Harry, with Prongs and Lils dead, Me locked up and Peter probably hidden away somewhere, Moony would be alone and devastated” Sirius says.
“Leaving me in no emotional or mental state to raise a child” Remus says horrified. “Not to mention my…condition, I couldn’t deal with that and take Harry in”
“That’s why he insisted in such an isolated place as Godric’s Hollow…and why he wanted my cloak, why he only wanted Peter to know where we were, Merlin and Morgana he knew from the start” James says.
“What do we do now?” Lily asks, but before she can answer Harry starts crying from his crib.
“Hungry cry, I got it” James says going over to his son.
“Thanks James” Lily smiles.
Lily decorated the room beautifully it has an actual night-sky on the ceiling with twinkling constellations, the floor is charmed to be soft in case Harry manages to climb out of his crib, and the wallpaper is a a magical forest, with twinkling fairies and a stag that sometimes gallops around.
James picks up Harry while the boy cries his little lungs out “Ok, Ok, I know, oh goodness gracious, the horrors of not having a lukewarm milk bottle I know” James says while flicking his wand which starts making a bottle while James gets comfy on the rocking chair to feed him properly cause sadly, his son is a slow eater which has led to several numb arms when he isn’t in the correct position.
The bottle floats over to him and James lets Harry go at it.
He stares at his son, chubby cheeks, brown hair already beginning to point in every direction, his same tan skin, the boy really is the spitting image of his father, but not his eyes no, he got Lily’s eyes.
And to think James could’ve missed out on this, on being in his son’s life had Regulus not intervene.
What kind of life would his son have had? where did Dumbledore plan on raising him? Who would love his son if both him and Lily were dead?
James doesn’t want to think too much about it.
Lily walks in about an hour later “Still eating?”
“He likes to take his time, if it weren’t for the warming charm this boy would be drinking cold milk” James chuckles.
Lily chuckles as well while watching Harry fondly “I want to tell them” Lily says.
“tell them what?” James asks and Lily gives him a look “Oh! tell them that”
“Yes, with everything that’s come to life…and the realization that I could’ve died without my closest friends knowing such an important part about me, about my identity and who I am, I want to tell Sirius and Remus about me, about us” Lily says.
“When? do you need me there? Name what you need and consider it done Lils” James says.
“I asked them to come here after they’re done talking to Regulus, how are you feeling James?” Lily asks.
James lets out a dry chuckle “I don’t know, too much is happening I don’t think my brain has caught up to the fact that he’s here yet” James says “Yesterday we were ok…Peter was still my best friend, we were safe in our home and Halloween seemed to be the most important thing going on, now…Peter is a death eater and a traitor, Dumbledore is a manipulator who wants to win this war for his own benefit, we are hiding in France in the flat of my dead ex-boyfriend who is not actually dead.”
“I know James” Lily says gently rubbing his back.
Harry makes his little coo where he doesn’t want anymore milk and James takes the bottle away.
“You fed him, I’m on burping duty” Lily says placing the towel on her shoulder then carefully lifting Harry before she starts rubbing his back.
They sit in silence, Harry’s occasional burps being the only sound in the room before Sirius and Remus come in.
“Hey” Sirius says looking drained.
“You ok mate?” James asks.
“I will be is just…everything was fine yesterday” Sirius sighs.
“I know mate…I know” James says.
“What did you wanted to say Lily?” Sirius asks.
Lily takes a deep breath, and James stands up to be at her side “Me and James are not together” Lily says “We haven’t been for almost two years now”
“Excuse me?” Remus asks.
“The truth is…I don’t like James, or better said I don’t like men” Lily says.
There’s confusion, then slow understanding on his friends’ faces, Sirius speaks first.
“you’re gay” Sirius says.
“I’m gay, for the longest time I thought everyone felt a bit uncomfortable around their lover, and is not that I was uncomfortable with the idea of queerness is just, I never thought about it for myself” Lily says “but two years ago, Dorcas and Marlene had gotten married and seeing them together, both in their gorgeous dresses and seeing Mary catch their bouquet I just thought “wow…I like women”. Me and James were gonna tell you…but then I found out I was pregnant, and then when Harry was born Dumbledore told us about the prophecy” Lily sighs.
“Oh Lils…” Remus says.
“Me and James agreed it was best for us to stay married and raise Harry, we started sleeping in separate beds we agreed we were free to find love somewhere else with a clear explanation of our situation but with the war, and hiding, there weren’t any candidates” Lily chuckles “But yesterday I could’ve died, had Regulus not been there I could’ve been killed and…and this important part of me would’ve died with me, without any of the people that I love knowing about it”
James comforts her because he can hear her voice trembling.
“I can’t die, without being myself, I don’t want to die only to be remembered as the girl James Potter loved, or the mother of the chosen one, I want people to remember me for me” Lily states.
Sirius and Remus nod firmly “Fuck, I’m going to cry” Sirius says.
“Hey don’t cry this is my emotional moment” Lily says and they all laugh.
This is terrifying, in a single night their entire life crumbled to pieces, but they’re all there, they’re all there, alive and ready to pick up those pieces.