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Evelyn’s heart was in her throat as she sat on the side of their bed and watched Cullen sleep; naked, curly hair mussed, arm across the empty space she occupied not an hour ago. She went to reach for him but hesitated, no that would just make this all the harder.
You don’t have to do this.
If she loved him as much as she said she did, no matter how much it killed her inside, she had to. And, oh, how she loved him. He deserved someone better, who could love him better than she could, someone who could be both a wife, and mother of his children.
Evelyn padded quietly to the closet where she dressed and threw a couple changes of clothes, and other necessities, into a bag. She didn’t know exactly where she was going so she packed only the things she knew she needed, anything else she might need she could pick up along the way.
There was still time to abandon this plan.
She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. She’d been agonizing over this for the past two weeks; since the letter from Divine Victoria. She realized she couldn’t do this. How could she go from being the Inquisitor to washing dishes and changing diapers? Even if she never held the Inquisitor position again, she was meant to be out there in the world, serving the people, doing the Maker’s work. That’s who she was.
Despite her better judgement, she silently made her way to their bed, leaned over and brushed her lips against his. Feeling his lips on hers almost undid her; if he’d woken up … she didn’t know if she would have the strength then.
Before she could change her mind, she grabbed her bag, and quietly fled their room.
You’re being selfish.
She gripped the strap of her bag hard enough her knuckles turned white. If she stayed, they would both be miserable. The person she’d been the past several months … she hated that person. She was cold and temperamental, she avoided his affection, she pretended she didn’t see the hurt she caused him reflected in his eyes everytime he looked at her; that wasn’t fair to either of them.
Evelyn descended the stairs into the living room without a sound.
Their mabari, Teddy, looked up from his spot on the sofa, and tilted his head curiously as she crossed the room to the writing table. She avoided looking at the hound while she grabbed what she needed and went into the kitchen.
Go back upstairs, wake him, tell him you love him, make love to him like you did earlier in the night, forget this.
She closed her eyes against the memory of them entwined in one another’s arms. It was the first time in weeks she’d let him touch her, let alone make love. He never took his eyes off her the whole time, not when he kissed her, not when he moved inside her, not when the tear rolled down his nose and fell to her cheek. Their whispered ‘I love you’s were the only thing they said to one another all night, and he fell asleep clutching her tightly to his chest. Did he know?
Quill in hand, she could only stare at the parchment on the table in front of her.
Last chance.
What the fuck was she going to say? What could she say? Nothing she could say would ease the pain she was causing him. Nothing she could say would make him hate her less for this.
She scratched a few lines, punctuated with errant tears, and set it on the table to let the ink dry.
Evelyn reached into her pocket and pulled out the lucky coin Cullen gave her back then. The coin he kept with him since he was a child, the coin that saw him through the tragedies that seemed to follow him. He gave it to her, a ward against the dangers she faced outside the walls of Skyhold, against her enemies. A token of his love. The token she’d accepted when things were clearer, simpler.
She placed the coin on the table next to the note.
Her wedding ring. A reminder of their love, of shared promises and oaths - all of which she was now breaking. Evelyn wiped her eyes on her sleeve and contemplated keeping it. No. She stuck her ring finger in her mouth and removed the small gold band. Her hand shook as she placed it next to the coin.
She folded the note and placed it on top of the two objects representing their love, their hopes, their dreams. She took a long breath to compose herself, to keep herself from breaking down right here, she could do that later.
Teddy nudged her leg, he looked up at her, and she hoped he understood her intentions. “Take care of him?” She asked him quietly and scritched him behind the ear. “Be a good boy.” The mabari whined in response.
She wiped her eyes on her sleeve then slung the strap of her bag over her head, grabbed her daggers,the pouch of coins she had set aside, and made sure to close the door quietly behind her.
Cullen -
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for everything.
I love you.
- Evelyn