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“You can’t hide things from me.”
Her hair doesn’t move in the wind, only small strands flying away. I don’t know what she does to keep it so still; mine is all over the place, messy. Disorganized.
I laugh. It’s empty, she knows it. Do I?
“What would I be hiding, silly? I tell you everything,” I try to maintain eye contact, but it’s so hard with her. With anyone, really. My gaze rests on the floor, illuminated by the aquarium lights.
She looks pretty in the blue light, so I can’t look at her.
She sighs. “Is it about your boyfriend? Are you guys fighting again? You know you can really tell me anything. I won’t tell,” Her voice is delicate, but the words make me freeze.
Would she hate me if she knew the truth?
“No, really. We’re fine. He’s so cute to me, and I.. really do love him,” The words leave my mouth in an almost robotic manner. I have more emotion speaking of her than of him. I will be the last to admit this.
Her lips twitch slightly, and her hands squeeze the strap of her bag. “..Aren’t we supposed to be best friends? I feel you drifting away. I wish you would still tell me things.” She says, something different in her voice. I wish we weren’t best friends.
Would she be mad if she knew how I felt?
I blink the tears away, hoping she doesn’t notice, but she always does. She always will. “I’m really okay! I’ve.. been going through some things, but it’s okay. You don’t have to worry, okay?” I say, trying to appear as confident as possible. She turns away from me. My heart hurts.
“..Okay.” She gives up. I wish she didn’t. I wish I didn’t.
We walk in silence for a while, eventually stopping in front of an octopus attached to the glass. It moves weirdly, almost like liquid, but with life.
I break the silence. “You know, I’ve always related more to octopi than any other animal.”
“Why is that?” She takes a step forward, putting her hand up to the animal. I can look at her freely. She can’t see me looking.
Her eyes, stunning, vivid. Different; eyes you can remember. Her nose, so perfect. Matches her face so well, the beauty mark right next to it. Bringing it all together. Her lips, small, slightly parted. Pink. The scar on her top lip, which she was so insecure about.
How many times have I kissed it? Not enough.
I grimace at the thought. I have a boyfriend. She does too. We’re just best friends.
“...No reason,” I mumble, walking toward her. Our shoulders are touching, and there’s something left in the air.
This is a lie I’m okay with keeping. I’ll stay with him, she’ll stay with him; and I will push it down. I’m happy this way. I’ll let myself be selfish, even if it means betraying them both.
Judas, in this comparison, is less traitorous.