Chapter Text
There was a certain feeling that Bucky notice as he sees the train coming out of the tunnel. He felt it before, a sense of something he knows is inevitable. Like seeing the Steve he knows now grows, not only the body but also on how he notice that Steve has found his purpose.
“Get ready”
Steve’s authoritative tone snaps him back into the present. He watch Steve grab into the swing and began to slide toward the train. ‘Wait’ Bucky whispers into his mind. The strange feeling of melancholy and a sense of his hope slowly dimmed unknowingly.
Bucky breathes as his mind snaps back into the present. Pushing the strange emotion at the back of his mind as he feel his mind molding into the soldier mindset. Logical and almost mechanic. He grab into the swing and went off as it slides into the steel rope. He feel the cold wind hitting his skin until he is above the train.
He let go and his feet touch the metal roof. His mind wavering a bit as he feel an emotion he knows very well. A memory he can still recall where he is about to be deployed into the war.
The horn of the train signing his fate. He looks into his front and he saw Steve with a nonchalant look yet he knows his eyes didn’t hide the pain his soul wants to show.
“Don’t die” Bucky hears the firm tone of Steve, a voice almost in a hurry. Bucky steps forward until his hand cups the back of Steve’s head. Pushing it gently into his shoulder as he press his chin into Steve’s side.
“I will try my best” Bucky stated, His voice firm as his hand tighten on Steve’s head. A statement to not cloud their hearts with a unrealistic hope. Not a promise because they can’t wish for the impossible.
The train horns again, signing as a last warning. Steve lets out a breath and separated the hug, a sad smile breaking the mask in his face.
“I should go” Bucky said in a sad tone. He pats Steve’s shoulder then turns as he headed toward the train. His hand on the railing of the entrance and when he turns his head behind him. He sees tears on Steve’s eyes yet a smile is present on his face, slowly waving as a sign of farewell.
“Let’s go”
He hears Steve shouted through the whirling cold wind. Bucky steels himself and grab the gun on his hips. They silently enter and take out the plain HYDRA soldier. But the armored soldier powered by a blue energy is difficult to handle. Which fortunately Steve’s strength with his shield can manage to destroy the armor.
But when the pulsating bullet that is aimed toward Steve has knocked him backwards and the shield separated from his hand. Bucky hears the vibration from the armored soldier’s weapon and he swiftly grab the shield and continuously shot the armored soldier to hopefully hurt them. But the gun shifted and aimed into Bucky.
A blue light blinds Bucky as the shield he used to protect himself reflected the pulsating bullet on the side of the train. The kinetic energy that the vibranium shield didn’t absorb transfer into Bucky as the shield is thrown on the side as he is launch out of the train.
The cold wind of the alps hits his exposed skin as he manages to grab the railing of the train. Bucky looks down and his hand tighten on the metal as he sees the snow cold ravine below him. He hides his face onto his elbow as he calm his heart.
The railing cranks and his heart spike. “Shit” Bucky curses as he moves to his right, to go closer to the blasted hole. The screws connecting the metal slowly separating when Bucky is near the edge of the railing.
Cranking sound escapes the metal bar that separates the fate of Bucky. He hears a shout on his right despite the throbbing sound of his heart. ‘Steve’ his mind supplied in a cold whisper reminder. He blinks to remove the snow as his eyes adjusted and see a look that Bucky didn’t want to ever see from Steve.
The distinct smell of the room enters Bucky’s nose as he sees an I.V inserted onto the hand that Steve is holding. Sarah slowly looks at Bucky as her eyes still gives the warmth that he has seen when they first met. Shoulder carrying Steve as he lead him home and Sarah immediately takes care of Steve when she saw them enter the room. A warm look Sarah gave when he saw Bucky gently lowers Steve into the couch.
‘Take care of him’ Sarah whispers as she smile to Bucky. A simple gesture knowing that Bucky will always take care of Steve. Sarah shifts to look at Steve. Her hand gently cups Steve’s chin as her finger touch the tears which she tenderly wipes
‘I love you’ the last words of Steve’s mother mutters before her eyes shadows, signing that death finally touched her. Bucky saw Steve breathe in a rapid pace as he hold his mother’s hand. His lungs giving a semblance of comfort to not give Steve an Asthma attack.
Bucky steps forward and slowly hugs Steve from behind. Feeling the rapid breathing as he feels Steve barely managing to breathe. A broken sound break free from Steve when he tries to heaves for air. Bucky pressed his chest into Steve’s back to at least comfort him but a high pitch whine came out which solidifies this reality.
‘Please’ A prayer, begging, or to ask for someone to do a miracle escapes from Steve’s soul but its just a pitiful sound to Bucky’s ear. A high whine he hears when someone wants to be forgiven. A sound only produced by a soul when touched by despair.
“Bucky”
Bucky snaps back to reality and he feel the cold wind prick his skin. The railing creating a whining sound, reminding him he will soon die. He looks up and saw the face that he will always cherish. Blue eyes reminding him of the stain glass of the church Steve always goes ever Sunday. The light passing it always shining Steve. Blue and always right. The heart that captures Bucky’s sinner soul.
A small smile forms in his face as he feel a bit of semblance of comfort. ‘I’m glad you are last person I will look at’ his mind created yet it was a look that Steve didn’t want to see. Because it was a painful resemblance to his mother.
“Please” Steve pleaded for the final time, hoping that someone will answer. He goes out and grab the edge of the hole and reach out to grab Bucky’s hand yet the cranking sound of the metal bar Bucky is holding separates reality and desperation. Yet Steve still reach out. Extending it as he wish his fingers will touch the skin he know will never feel again.
“Grab my hand” Steve shouted and Bucky gives to the fleeing control of mortality. He reaches and reaches until his hand is a few inches away but probability and fate severs the bar that connects him from ever being close to Steve.
The metal bar finally separates and Steve panics. He pushes his body as he extended his arms to try and save Bucky. ‘God please’ he prayed. He prayed and prayed to save the only reminder of his own heaven. To not leave him in a world made by the devil.
…The Sky is silent as Steve watch Bucky fall
Steve press his head on the wall, his arm shielding him from the chill wind. His shield forgotten inside the train. For a country will never amount to a home he always feel safe to.
He screams. The walls of the train hears the soul of a good man escapes as his half is separated. He screams even if he can’t. He screams as he shouted at the world he is born into. His body unconsciously enter the train and as soon as he’s inside. Energy drain from his body as he sags into the floor. Curling to himself to provide a semblance of comfort.
“Bucky” he begins chanting. Saying his name for the hope this nightmare will disappear. Hoping Bucky is beside him and not in the most desolate area where he can’t be found. To open his eyes and see the grinning and mischievous look that charmed him.
Yet as he open his eyes, all he sees is pitch black. Covered by the tunnel that the train has entered. The darkness covers the man who sobs in the iron floor as his breaths convulse as he barely breathe. A feeling like an asthma attack that he experienced pre-serum. His skin feel numb yet he feels needles prick his skin.
Steve cried. His tears a product of weakness, pain and despair as he realize he won’t ever hear the voice of Bucky again. ‘Steve’ his mind tormented, to never hear Bucky call him again. He pressed his hand into his chest, primarily his heart. He press into it, to stop the pain yet his breath convulse to touch the oxygen his lungs desperately need.
“I’m sorry” He barely exudes as his throat only need air to live. He press his hand into his heart again. Trying to claw through the Kevlar that protected him. Continuously clawing until his gloves peels away. Until his nails chip and the skin bleeds until the last remaining clothing is gone from his chest.
Steve never have taught to commit self harm. For his brain to grasp the emotion to self destruct. To wire his brain into feeling that his continues existence is utter suffering. Where the taught of suicide is the only way to release the pain he felt in his heart, mind and soul.
‘You feel to much’ His mother said while cleaning his wound. Not an accusation or opinion but a fact of his being. He agree and now its killing himself. He screams again but now it Bucky’s name. His chest feeling the bone of his fingers. The pain distracting him from the pain of his soul.
No more noise came out of Steve’s mouth. But blood from the relentless torment from his soul being released. I have no mouth, and I must scream. Air merely came out of his mouth instead of a sound his soul desperately needs. And blood trickle his chin as he slowly lowers his head into the metal floor.
The cold giving him comfort as his body sinks in fatigue. And only sleep will give him peace but his dreams will always plagues him.