Work Text:
✉
Jungwon was told not to talk to strangers. At the age of six, he was already deemed “mature” for his age. He listened to his mommy and daddy, never threw a tantrum, put his toys away after he’s done playing with them and ate all his vegetables, even if he doesn’t like their taste—the perfect little boy.
So when he awoke in the middle of the night from a nightmare, he never screamed—lest he wakes his mommy and daddy from their sleep. They needed sleep.
So little Jungwon curled up into a ball tightening his fists over his blankets—pulling the unassuming sheet closer to his little frame. His fists trembled at the smallest sounds, the nightmare fresh from his memory. Every shadow was perceived as a monster, every sound was interpreted as an intruder.
When a shadow appeared at the edge of his bed, he tightened his hold on the sheets willing whatever monster that have come get him be repelled by the power of his blanket. He can feel it coming closer. Tears were now threatening to fall from his squeezed-shut eyes.
“ Jungwon .”
He covered his ears with both hands—although it didn’t do much—willing himself not to listen to whatever spell this monster is casting.
“ Jungwon , it’s alright. ” No it wasn’t. The monster is now closer than ever.
“ Jungwon. ” His hand was suddenly enveloped by a much larger hand. He can’t feel anything weird about these hands other than they feel human. Same hands as his mommy and daddy. So steeling his resolve, he slowly turned away from the wall and looked behind him—his tiny hand still enveloped in the warmth the other hand has given his shivering ones.
Jungwon was told not to talk to strangers. But when he saw who it was crouching in front of him, he couldn’t hold back his tears of relief. He doesn’t know why nor does he know this guy in front of him but he just felt relief wash all over his body and he knows that he’s safe .
His blanket was thrown away from his body as he jumped up and threw his hands over the stranger’s much bigger shoulders—his hands couldn’t even reach each other. He was crying now, sobbing into the crook of the stranger’s neck, his warning flags were thrown out the window. The nightmare had shaken him up so badly that even though he doesn’t really know this guy, he was seeking assurance in him.
The stranger’s constant whispers of ‘ you’re okay ’ and ‘ I got you ’ lulled himself back to sleep.
He never had any more nightmares that night.
When he told mommy and daddy what had happened the night prior, they placed it as a child’s overactive imagination—an imaginary friend. So Jungwon being Jungwon, accepted his mommy and daddy’s logic because it was more realistic than a guy entering his bedroom at night.
So every night, he wakes from a nightmare and every night he’s lulled to sleep by warm eyes and a smile.
✉
Jungwon was thirteen when he started picking up the violin. He heard some pieces from school and immediately fell in love. After school, he asked his mom and dad to buy him one and the next day, he started learning from their music teacher, Mr. Sihyuk.
His first lesson was really hard; he had to learn placing his fingers on exact positions to hold the notes. His bow hold was also stiff.
When he had learned to decently play single notes, Mr. Sihyuk had dismissed him. He asked to be left in the music room longer to do some self-study to which the older man had okay-ed.
He was on G when a voice nearly made his drop his violin in shock.
“ You still love violins. ” He slowly turned around to face the direction of the door. It was standing ajar and a boy—older than her—was leaning on the doorframe, his hands crossed on his chest. Something about him screams familiarity but Jungwon can’t quite put his finger on it. Instead of standing there looking like a deer caught in headlights, Jungwon held his violin against his chest.
“ Excuse me? ” His voice was small but confused at the statement. The stranger just shrugged and walked towards the grand piano. “ It was off-key. Your G . ” He said as he opened the wooden cover and ran his hands over the black and white keys. He pressed a white key and looked at him.
They stared at each other for seconds before he pressed again. His brown eyes met Jungwon’s and he can’t seem to look away. Something about this boy was familiar. Something about this boy feels like home . Jungwon blinked at the third press of the key—the single note wafting throughout the room enveloping the two teenagers in a wistful melody.
It took a while for Jungwon to notice that it was a G note. The boy tilted his head and urged Jungwon to reproduce the same note on his violin. Jungwon tried, but hearing the piano and violin together made it clear that he was off-key—albeit just slightly. So he adjusted the position of his finger on the fingerboard and did it again. This time, both the piano and the violin giving off similar tones. Jungwon looked up and smiled at the strange boy—he wasn't even wearing their school uniform. He gave Jungwon a smirk before pressing the next key up.
They continued until he had done the whole octave.
" I knew you could do it. " He said closing the piano cover and placing both his hands on his pocket. He's wearing an unfamiliar school crest? Jungwon thought but never voiced it out. He just thanked him politely and noticed it had gone much too late, the sun had already dipped below the horizon leaving the sky in hues of pinks and reds and oranges. The boy must've noticed his concern and gazed outside the window.
" I love sunsets. " He said almost sadly before turning back to look at Jungwon.
Despite the million red flags pinging in Jungwon's head right now, he still didn't move. It was something about him that just made Jungwon feel safe. Like he knew the boy would never hurt him.
" I like sunrises more. " Jungwon blurted out which made the boy’s eyes almost look like its glowing. His figure silhouetted by the burnt sky but his eyes stayed on Jungwon.
" I know. " The boy whispered never taking his eyes off Jungwon’s brown ones.
Jungwon tucked a strand of hair behind his ear before the boy strode forwards and walked past leaving Jungwon to follow him with his gaze.
" What's your name? " Jungwon asked as he was near the door. He was filled with embarrassment when the boy didn't answer his for almost a minute—the silence making him feel awkward and jittery.
" Heeseung . "
And with that he opened the door and went out, never once casting Jungwon a backwards glance.
Jungwon felt something inside him tug at the mention of the name. Heeseung’s voice was sad and filled with something Jungwon can liken to nostalgia and regret. He tested the name on his tongue finding that he liked how it feels.
It didn't even register in his brain until Jungwon got home that Heeseung didn't ask for his.
✉
Jungwon hadn’t known the pain of a broken heart. If he had, he wouldn’t have entered a relationship in the first place. He wasn’t even that invested in the relationship so why had it hurt his this much? He hugged his pillow tighter as big tears fell from his brown eyes. His mom and dad were worried when he got home and skipped dinner but he thanked them for letting him cry out and left him to his room before they asked questions.
It had been three years since he met that strange boy—and it had been three years since Jungwon last saw him. After that fateful encounter in the music room, Jungwon thought Heeseung was a figment of his imagination—because no matter how hard he had looked for him no one knew about a boy named Heeseung.
Sometimes, when he practices the violin, he deliberately misplaces his fingers and produces a wrong note in a piece to somehow lure Heeseung out—they had met when he had the G note wrong so it made sense.
But as the days gone by, turning into months, turning into years, Jungwon decided it was time to stop looking for someone that doesn’t want to be found.
So he had fallen into the trap that was laid by some petty boys at school—he had bitten into the lure of the words “ I love you ” and look where it got him.
A crying mess.
He was so naive, thinking he was special just because some boy told him he loves him when in fact they were just betting on “ how they would make little Jungwon cry today ”. He screamed at his pillow—muffling the sound lest he alert his parents into what was going on behind the closed doors of his room. He wasn’t that invested— really —so why is he so hurt?
It was because Jungwon always saw the good in everything. He’s naive and innocent with the lies and the harsh truth this world can offer and he always sees the good in everything . Of course, Jungwon didn’t know that so he was still crying and trying to justify why he is hurting so.
“ Jungwon? ”
A silent voice asked causing the crying guy to look up in a rush. He cried harder when he saw who the voice was from. Standing there beside his bed—hands outstretched as if reaching out to hold him—was no other than the subject of his search for three years.
His hair still arranged in the same way as it had been in that sun-kissed room. His uniform not familiar but nostalgic . His eyes, Jungwon thought, so deep that it looks like it held all the answers to all the questions in the world— it probably does .
“ Heeseung… ” It wasn’t really a question, it was a finish line, a statement. Jungwon’s voice was hoarse from silent sobbing but there was softness in it, softness he didn’t know he can utter. After all this time of looking for him, here he was, standing not five feet away from Jungwon.
Heeseung looked the same. Nothing’s changed.
The way Heeseung’s eyes turned into something else when Jungwon said his name made him self-consciously shuffle in his bear print two-piece pajamas. Heeseung hesitated for a bit before reaching out and wiping tears away from his face.
The touch was something Jungwon wasn’t expecting. He had thought Heeseung’s touch would pass through him as he had actually thought Heeseung was nothing but a ghost, so when his warmth glided across Jungwon’s cheek, he closed his eyes and leaned in.
Fresh tears dropped from Jungwon’s eyes but he doesn’t know what it was of. His heartbreak was pushed aside from the relief that Heeseung’s really here.
Jungwon couldn’t pinpoint what the reason was for the relief he feels, and happiness , but he shook the thought away as Heeseung pulled his fingers back to himself.
Jungwon slowly opened his eyes and his shiny orbs met Heeseung bright ones.
“ Heeseung. ” He said again, so silent, afraid that if he said something out loud Heeseung would be gone.
His eyes softened and his smirk turned into a smile. “ Hi. ”
So they talked, Heeseung didn’t ask about why he was crying, he already seem to know. But when it was Jungwon’s turn to ask questions, Heeseung either gave a very vague answer or swerved the conversation away from the question.
“ Where were you the last three years? ” Jungwon asked, hugging his knees closer to his chest. Heeseung was leaning on the study table directly in front of Jungwon. “ It doesn’t matter. ” He shrugged and asked Jungwon about his violin progress.
Jungwon immediately lit up. The violin had always made him feel happy. So he talked about the new pieces he was learning.
They stayed chatting until it was almost past three in the morning.
Jungwon yawned a third time that night and Heeseung seemed reluctant to let him sleep. But he needs to sleep, he has school tomorrow. So with a touch lingering a little bit longer, Heeseung guided Jungwon’s sleepy body to the bed.
As soon as Jungwon’s head hit the softness of his pillow, he immediately yawned. his eyes drooped close and his body fell limp.
“ Don’t go? ” Jungwon asked in his sleepy voice—which Heeseung liked very much .
But Jungwon’s question struck him rigid. He doesn’t want to lie to him and he doesn’t want to tell him who he is. So Heeseung didn’t answer and just tucked a strand of hair behind Jungwon’s ear. The action seemed to please Jungwon as he sighed and leaned in more to his touch and in seconds he was breathing deeply—a telltale sign that he was already asleep.
In an outsider’s perspective, the scene could’ve painted a different picture.
An unknown guy inside a sleeping person’s room, this wasn’t good.
This was the primary reason Heeseung stopped reaching out to Jungwon, he was afraid that he would think him a creep for showing up unannounced in his room even though they barely knew each other.
Also, he needed to not get attached. He is not the Jungwon he knows.
But Heeseung couldn’t resist seeing him hurt. Seeing him cry a ton because some stupid assholes decided to play with him—and they had played the only thing Heeseung treasured.
Heeseung was ready to make the asshole pay, he had acquired a set of skills that can make a grown man cry.
But seeing the peaceful look on Jungwon’s face—Heeseung hesitated.
So he did what he do best, he ran away.
✉
Jungwon was eighteen when he finally moved to a place of his own. He was still distraught that all those nights ago, Heeseung wasn’t there when he woke up. Like, what had he expected? That Heeseung spend the night with him? Absurd! If his parents had known or someone had seen him in the day climbing out Jungwon’s window that would’ve been the talk of the whole town.
‘ Little Jungwon sneaking a guy in his bedroom at night. ’
But it wasn’t his fault. Heeseung was the one who showed up unannounced, Heeseung was the one who decided to not show up for the past two years— again . Heeseung was the one who made Jungwon feel things he shouldn’t feel about strangers because that’s just plain stupid.
No matter how hard Jungwon tried to blame Heeseung, he didn’t really resent him.
The only thing that had told Jungwon he hadn’t dreamed it all up was the faint smell of Heeseung’s presence and the warmth in his cheeks.
He slapped his cheeks in annoyance, he needed to focus on the task at hand. He had to settle in before tomorrow or he will have to dance around unpacked boxes and risk getting his toe stubbed.
But he had known it all along.
Ever since they had met on that fateful day—where Heeseung played the notes on the piano and accompanied Jungwon until he got the notes right—he had been crushing on the guy.
A guy he barely even knows, been to his room uninvited , and somehow knew his name even if he doesn’t remember telling him. Something at the back of his mind tugged that the music room encounter wasn’t their first meeting but Jungwon couldn’t seem to find something else.
He just shrugged and unpacked his metal stand in front of the window. Tomorrow, he starts his study in music. He sighed and turned around only to be surprised. There, on his worn-out couch, sat the one person occupying his mind a few minutes prior.
Jungwon’s mouth hung open in shock and bewilderment—and if he’s being honest, happiness—at the sight of the same guy that comforted him through his heartbreak in the glow of the pale moon.
The same guy.
Jungwon’s mind started short circuiting when he took in the sight of him. He was still the same . Hairstyle, eyes, cheekbones, jawline—for goodness’ sake even the school uniform is the same! How? How had he stayed immaculately like his past self— past five years’ self —that it looked like someone cut him out of the fabric of time and space and just pasted him there?
Now, Heeseung and Jungwon looked like they’re the same age.
“ You should really lock the windows. ” He said, a matter of fact. As if Jungwon’s mind wasn’t reeling enough about his appearance, he decides to lecture him on his safety. He hasn’t even started living here yet!
“ I live on the second floor. ” Jungwon replied exasperatedly. Heeseung has a habit of getting into his living space without him knowing and Heeseung still looks the same.
Heeseung dusted off imaginary dirt from the shoulders of his uniform before he regarded Jungwon with a steely gaze. “ Bad people can climb. ”
The incredulous look on Jungwon’s face was enough to make him smirk.
Deep down Heeseung was scared about what Jungwon might think, but when he sighed and his shoulders relaxed, he let the tiny relief bubble up inside of him.
“ Why? ” Jungwon’s question was open ended—and suitable for their situation.
Why had you shown up that day on the music room? Why had you left? Why had you comforted me when I was heartbroken? Why had you left a second time? Why me?
Jungwon couldn’t find the courage to voice all those questions—couldn’t risk Heeseung running away again. Despite the few instances that they’ve been together, it felt like he had known him all his life.
Jungwon felt attached, in a weird way you clutch into a blanket because it kept you safe from monsters when you were a kid.
At the silence, Jungwon realized something.
Something he was missing all those years. This guy—this annoyingly handsome devil—was his imaginary friend from way back. Jungwon’s breaths came in short gasps as he placed two and two together. A crack running throughout his body as a fissure deep enough to not be filled made its way into his core.
Heeseung had known him all this time. Had known him since he was six!
Heeseung had been there for him when monsters scared him from his nightmares—and left him when he was starting to get used to his presence—making Jungwon, and his parents, think that he really was just an imaginary friend.
Jungwon was hyperventilating, he realize, the sounds were much louder—everything was too bright. Heeseung had played him all along. Had made him believe that he was just a normal guy when they met all those years prior—at the golden hue of the sunset.
Jungwon world was turning upside down, and then sideways, and everything was spinning.
Then, he was grounded by a hand on his.
He gripped the metal stand trying to regain his balance and Heeseung’s hand was there on top of his pale ones.
Still too little, still not enough.
Heeseung towers over Jungwon’s hunched frame and he noticed that Heeseung had been too tall for him—or he hadn’t grown the past couple years.
Heeseung didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything, except for squeezing Jungwon’s hands in a gesture that says “ I’m here ”. He placed Jungwon’s head between his palms and lowered his face near his. Smiling so softly Jungwon could feel everything all at once. He whispers, “ I’m here . ” Grounding Jungwon so he won’t float away. Making him see stars and galaxies. Jungwon wondered if he was really there.
The warmth of Heeseung’s hands on his cheeks was an indication that he was—but also an indication of what couldn’t.
So Jungwon steels his resolve, swallowing his emotions down and tried to forget how—for so long—he had wanted to feel Heeseung’s smile on his lips.
Heeseung notices right away that Jungwon was now free from breaking into an attack but he also notices the slight stiffness of his movement. He always notices. He guides Jungwon into the couch he was just sitting on and made him sit beside him. If Jungwon had noticed how Heeseung left so little—close to none—space they have between them, he didn’t let on.
Instead, Jungwon recounts his first memory of him.
Heeseung had wished he had forgotten those nights. That Jungwon would chuck it up into some imaginary dreamland where Heeseung was the lead role and still looked the same as he did now. Heeseung grimaces at the thought that how creepy and unnerving it must’ve felt for Jungwon. That he knows someone who doesn’t age—well, physically.
Instead, Jungwon being Jungwon, he thanked him. For always helping his out. For being with his through the nightmares. For correcting his when he had made mistakes on the violin. For consoling his when he underwent that oh so agonizing heartbreak. And for being here.
Heeseung couldn’t speak, afraid that if he opened his mouth, he’d spill everything to him. He’d tell Jungwon everything about him and everyone else.
But Heeseung’s afraid—he was always afraid. So he keeps his mouth shut making the silence around them palpable. It wasn’t awkward nor was it comfortable—it was just that, silent .
For Heeseung being ever so perceptive when it comes to him, he didn’t notice the way Jungwon straightened his body in preparation for forgetting every fantasy he’s had of being with Heeseung.
For Jungwon couldn’t take it in himself to indulge in such fantasies teenagers in school uniforms—who happen to never grow old—laid on the table.
So he stood up, plastered on the sweet smile he practiced a thousand times in front of the mirror and offered Heeseung coffee.
✉
Every day, Heeseung found himself crashing on Jungwon’s couch.
Jungwon didn’t mind—thank goodness—and was caring for him like he was an estranged little brother.
Heeseung hasn’t decided if he likes the attention or not.
This time, Jungwon grew out his fringe and let it hung at the side of his face—framing it in a way that catches Heeseung’s sentences midair. It had almost been a year since Jungwon moved out of his parents’ house.
Heeseung wasn’t that bad of a roommate—if you can call him that.
He leaves groceries on the fridge—where he got the money, Jungwon doesn’t know.
Also, keeps his own corner tidy. Cleaned after himself. Used a different shampoo than Jungwon. Kept his basic hygiene stuff in the other side of the sink. But Jungwon never seems to see him at daytime. The rare hours that he doesn’t have class, Heeseung’s couch was already made—blankets folded neatly above his pillow.
Jungwon was glad he let his mom pick a bigger than usual couch.
Heeseung comes home either too tired or too hyper but always eager to eat Jungwon’s cooking. Jungwon’s younger self would’ve been ecstatic at this situation but the present Jungwon was aloof—not really caring about the whole thing except making himself think that Heeseung aged normally like he did. The cracks that was left that night—when he first moved in—ever present in his core making him feel like he wasn’t tethered to reality too much that if he slips he would float away.
So Jungwon kept his younger self from feeling giddy every time he sees Heesueng’s shampoo bottle beside his.
Of course this doesn’t subdue the rumors.
Despite being “ un-aging ”, Heeseung still looks the same age as Jungwon. If Jungwon didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought he was eighteen or nineteen. But the fact that he had been six while he still looked the same cemented that this guy is nothing like him. Still, Heeseung was taller than Jungwon so there’s that. Jungwon seemed to stop growing at the age of thirteen.
Jungwon was talking about buying some new books while they were having dinner when his phone rang making him clamp his mouth shut. He looked at Heeseung and smiled apologetically. Heeseung wiped his mouth on a napkin and gestured for him to go ahead. Jungwon excused himself and walked towards the window where Heeseung can’t see him from his sitting position. Heeseung was worried but thought nothing of it as he stood up to pour himself a mug of coffee. He just knows Jungwon too well.
He should’ve been more worried.
✉
Jungwon was coming home later now.
His usual 6PM violin practice was pushed back to eight and then nine and then turned into occasionally. Heeseung was getting antsy. This behavior started a week after that phone call all those nights ago. Looking back, Heeseung already missed having dinner with Jungwon.
Because Jungwon comes home late, Heeseung usually resorts to take outs or sometimes not eating at all—stubbornly waiting for Jungwon on the seat in front of the television only for him to not notice Heeseung’s presence, humming a jaunty tune to himself.
That was the most worrying—the humming or sometimes the occasional whistling.
Well, his Jungwon does hum but he does not whistle. Jungwon never does.
So red flags were one-by-one going off inside his intelligent head that one day, Heeseung decided to tail Jungwon. Years upon years of practice as head of the Knights of Ashana and in Vampfield—also all those other times—made him practically invisible to the unassuming gaze.
So when it was time for Jungwon to supposedly go home—Heeseung had memorized his schedule—he waited at the gates of the university.
Heeseung still wears the Decelis uniform, the familiarity—and dare he admit, the sentimental value—it gave him eases his nerves. It also makes him look like a high school, or university—he can pass as both—student that study in an elite school.
There were stares, mostly from the female population of the university, but thinking about how young they are make his stomach drop and churn. Of course, Jungwon was also too young but he was Jungwon, he’s always an exception.
When Jungwon had come into view, Heeseung willed himself closer to the wall, leaning too much that his back had protested from the strain but it seems that he didn’t need to hide his presence from Jungwon for he was so focused on the person beside him that he failed to notice Heeseung’s burning gaze on his figure.
He scowled at the smile Jungwon was wearing not directed at him. He clenched his hands into fists—too tight that his hands started turning white. He counted to ten and peeled himself away from the wall, ignoring that young lady shyly starting for his direction all because she was not him .
He followed them in the shadows. In an inconspicuous spot behind the two where he can surveil them and not be spotted. He should’ve asked Jungwon sooner what he was doing going home so late. But Heeseung couldn’t do that.
Jungwon gave him his privacy, never pried too much. Never asked what he was doing in the morning or where he got the money from. So Heeseung gave Jungwon space.
And he regretted that decision even more as a red blush bloomed in Jungwon already rosy cheeks. Did Heeseung somehow came up in their—he supposed—many conversations? Does this guy know Jungwon was living with him? Does this guy even know he existed? Many question flooded Heeseung’s mind that he craved to jump in front of them and introduce himself. But that would only make Jungwon dislike him. He figured he needed a subtler approach.
But when Jungwon’s laugh—his pure, unadulterated laugh—wafted and danced on his ears, resonating in his heart—he backs away.
Because even his Jungwon did not laugh like that.
Heeseung turned around and squeezed his eye shut making him see his smile in the darkness behind his eyelids. The last thing he wants is to yank Jungwon away from his happiness even though he wanted it to be himself by Jungwon’s side.
Heeseung didn’t want to steal Jungwon’s happiness away that he’d do anything for Jungwon, his Jungwon, and what had this fellow done for Jungwon other than chat him up and made him believe all his lies (?).
But no matter what Heeseung does, he can’t find any malicious intent behind this man—who looked like the person Heeseung wanted to strangle the most—except pure fascination and interest.
Oh, he knows that look.
Because that’s what he sees in the mirror whenever Jungwon’s around.
✉
Heeseung was selfish.
His isolation in the godforsaken apocalypse made him selfish. He needed to survive, to live —and to do that he needs Jungwon.
So for the longest time, he waited. And waited. And waited .
But Jungwon and Jaeyun was so happy with each other.
They had been introduced but the outcome wasn’t what Heeseung had hoped.
He had thought that as soon as Jungwon tells this Jaeyun about him, he would back off. But he didn’t. They continued with their relationship like it was a match made in heaven—it isn’t, Heeseung stubbornly thought.
He had been there for Jungwon ever since he was little— every time . Heeseung was torn between seeing Jungwon happy in another’s arms and himself surviving this wretched world he lives in and Heeseung doesn’t want to die.
So no matter how hard he’d kept all these emotions bottled up, one slip up, one mistake would always make him come undone—unravelling all the horrors he’s seen, all the horrors he’s gone through.
That mistake was the alcohol.
Distant years ago, Heeseung had struggled with the addiction and he’d done so well staying sober for as long as he did but the pain of seeing the one thing he’d die for in another’s arms was too much. So he turned to something he knew would surely numb the pain.
The job he took on that day was intended to be the hardest. He almost got shot on the head by a gang of Japanese yakuza and almost got sliced in half by a Chinese mafia. But Heeseung was in his element—this time much more than the other times—and he seeks the thrill, the numbing of the adrenaline so he could wipe Jungwon off from his mind for a short while.
Jungwon came home to his disheveled figure, Heeseung didn’t even bother cleaning up. Dirt and grime caked his plaid vest, his blazer haphazardly thrown over the chair’s backrest. There was some red on his collar—Jungwon didn’t want to know where it had come from—and in his right hand was a bottle of whiskey.
Jungwon hurriedly took off his shoes and placed his coat on the coat hanger by the entrance. He hurriedly snatched the whiskey away from Heeseung’s hands—tried to at least, as he found his grip on the neck of the bottle too tight.
Jungwon was afraid that any more pressure and he would shatter the glass, cutting Heeseung in the process.
“ Heeseung? ” The familiar tug at Jungwon’s being worsened at the sight of Heeseung. At the dejected look he seemed to carry on his shoulders all the time.
Heeseung grunted his response taking a sip directly from the bottle. His hands were shaky, causing him to spill some of the brownish liquid on his shirt.
Jungwon winced. “ Heeseung? ” He shook Heeseung’s shoulders at an attempt to bring him back to Earth—to him.
When Heeseung eyes fluttered open, it looked glassy. Seeing what’s in front of him but not seeing at all . There was always something behind his eyes but now it looked ghostly, more transparent, like Jungwon had the chance to watch multiple galaxies under one sky.
“ You’re just a figment of my imagination. ” He said almost sadly before taking another sip of whiskey. Jungwon was crouched in front of him and the smell of his breath, a mixture of his mouthwash and whiskey, was enough indication that he was already drinking even before Jungwon found him like this.
Being called a figment of an imagination by Heeseung made Jungwon feel sad. All this time, he was the one who thought Heeseung was a figment of his imagination. A manifestation of his idealized hero showing up to save his day. But Heeseung was real, Jaeyun can see him. Is this how Heeseung feels? This empty, overwhelming feeling?
“ Heeseung, come on. Get up. ” He tried to tug the bottle away from him again—to no avail. Heeseung’s grip was much tighter and his face scrunched up as if Jungwon’s touch gave him pain.
“ You’re not real. ” Heeseung repeated—mostly for himself. His voice almost manic in tone. He shook his head and repeated the word to himself each one increasing in intensity. His eyes were wide open now— pleading that Jungwon was not real.
Jungwon could see the hurt and the pain behind his eyes. So Jungwon did what he did when he had panic attacks.
Jungwon just wanted to bring Heeseung back to him .
So carefully placing Heeseung’s head in between his palms, he called out to him one more time. It was hard, Heeseung’s head fought his hold with the pull of gravity—lolling to slip out of his grasp. He willed his hands to stay and held him as he whispered his name.
“ Heeseung. ” Come back to me.
Heeseung eyes cleared and the fog lifted as for the first time that night, he saw Jungwon . He was here in front of him. But his whiskey-addled brain cannot comprehend what is happening right now, that this isn’t just a dream.
Thinking Jungwon was in his dreams— again .
So, like any other dreams he had, he leaned in closer and said his name. “ Jungwon… ” with much longing and passion he can muster.
Heeseung was a mess after all those times that he’d lost Jungwon and he was going to lose him again. But Jungwon always stays in his dreams. And right now, Heeseung thinks this is one of them.
Jungwon was shell-shocked. The way Heeseung said his name made him remember the world burning, bullets whizzing by his ears, an altar, a name, a group of people, but it wasn’t clear. Like a sand trickling away from his spread hands. Heeseung said his name that made his feel something more ancient. Calling to him like a siren—luring him into false safety only to be tossed into the rough waves. What had he seen? What had he witnessed? What is happe—
Before he could finish his thoughts, Heeseung’s lips brushed his ever so softly. Just a fraction of a second before his head hung limply onto his shoulders. Jungwon’s hands stayed midair, too shocked to process what had happened.
When he was young, just shy of fourteen, he had wondered how Heeseung’s lips would feel like. He would think about a song going off in his head, fireworks, and Heeseung would wrap his arms around him and he would smile at Jungwon because it was meant to be.
But nothing of sorts happened. When Heeseung’s lips brushed his—it was just that, a contact of skin. No background music, no fireworks, no smiles.
The dried blood from his lips tasted coppery, he tasted like coffee with a hint of whiskey. He tasted like something itching at the back of Jungwon’s head. Something in him solidified—something he hadn’t known. And for a moment, he saw himself standing in front of a mirror. He was a lot younger, a lot skinnier but it was not him . This image of a younger Jungwon wore the same uniform as Heeseung did. Wore a much softer smile and an inquisitive twinkle in his eye. And with a blink, the scene vanished.
Jungwon was back on his apartment with Heeseung’s head situated at the crook of his neck. A single tear fell down his eyes. It was all nostalgic, Heeseung is nostalgic. Like coming home after a very long vacation.
So Jungwon silently cried and hugged him tighter—before letting him go.
✉
Contrary to popular belief, alcohol doesn’t make you forget the events of last night.
Yes, the memories might come at a much later time but it doesn’t make you forget . So when Heeseung awoke with a very bad headache and a very sore body—he was disoriented at first—then realization slowly crept in his mind.
He had kissed Jungwon.
He had kissed Jungwon because he thought it was a dream!
Oh God.
He groaned and ran his hand down his face. Jungwon was just so close .
He sighed again and actioned to stand up when he was restricted by a pair of hands. Heeseung slowly looked down and there he was. Sitting on the floor, with his head on the edge of the couch—his right hand draped on his thighs and the other hung limply on his side. Heat rushed to Heeseung’s neck as he noticed how dangerously close Jungwon was to something .
But he stayed. After what he had done, Jungwon stayed .
Heeseung could do the same, maybe Jungwon feels the same way because why would he stay, right? Yeah, that’s what it must’ve been.
He feels the same.
The happiness that started to bubble inside him was cut short when Jungwon’s phone rang.
His face fell.
Of course why would he feel the same? He has somebody in his life now. And that somebody is making him happy even more than he could. Jungwon cared because he was his roommate. Because that’s what roommates do. So before Jungwon’s chocolate eyes opened, Heeseung had jumped away from her.
Away from the hurt and pain and him .
Because that’s what he’s good at.
Because he was Heeseung and he was Jungwon.
They were never meant to be.
So he ran. And ran. And ran .
Until his lungs gave out. Until his legs felt like lead. Until he feels so fucking tired that he can’t jump. Until he can no longer feel. Until he can forget.
But who is he kidding? There’s no way in hell he can forget Jungwon .
✉
Jungwon was twenty-nine when he sees Heeseung again.
There he was standing in front of his bedroom’s window, looking outside illuminated by the glow of a streetlight and the occasional headlights of cars.
Heeseung , he mouths unsure if it was really him. His whole being ached at the thought that it was really him and he can run and hug him because Jungwon missed him so much.
But his current reality stopped the longing that formed at the base of his skull.
“ I’m sorry I left. ” Heeseung said and Jungwon didn’t know how to form words. He was still the same. The same Heeseung that helped him sleep. The same Heeseung in that music room. The same Heeseung in their apartment keeping him tethered to the ground. The same Heeseung that kissed him.
And when he turned around and finally let Jungwon see him, it made his heart ache.
It made everything feel like he’s drowning and he needs air. Once upon a time, he would’ve loved this. He would’ve ran into his arms and felt his embrace. But he can’t do that. So he just imagines.
He still looked the same.
“ I reckon you needed an explanation about everything. ” Heeseung walked towards Jungwon and lingered for a moment near him before walking to the chair in front of his vanity mirror and sitting down. The almost contact made Jungwon’s heart race. So he sat down on his bed and he waited.
Jungwon always waits.
When Jungwon has calmed down, when he was not overwhelmed with the need to jump on him and cry, he started his story.
Heeseung was not from this world.
Jungwon figured that out when he hasn’t aged and said so which earned him a warm smile from Heeseung before he shook his head. “ I’m not from this world. ”
Jungwon must’ve looked so confused that Heeseung slightly chuckled and explained more.
In specific terms, he was not from this dimension. That there are infinite possibilities of different scenarios occurring parallel to each other. That this isn’t the only “Earth”. He was from a different timeline, different string that has been long severed.
“ Parallel worlds. ” Jungwon whispered—not entirely believing that somewhere out there exists another him.
Heeseung nodded. “ The space-time is flat. And the possible particle configurations could repeat many times over—infinitely. ”
Jungwon still couldn’t get it. So Heeseung simplifies it, overly simplifies it.
“ See this bed, ” Jungwon nodded, “ in another world, this bed could be the color green, or red, or any other combinations thereof. ”
The simplification turns Jungwon’s face in recognition. “ Like that cat? ” He asks.
Heeseung had the urge to laugh. “ Schrodinger’s cat. That’s another thing entirely. It explains the superposition state of radioactive matter. But that’s beside the point. ”
Silence envelops the both of them as Jungwon settles the information. “ So, another me exists somewhere out there? ”
The question was innocent, almost wistful but Heeseung’s face turn placid, hiding his emotions deep within him that nothing shows on his face.
“ Yes . ”
Jungwon never missed the way Heeseung’s throat bobbed—he chokes on something raw that it made Jungwon feel uncomfortable.
“ I can jump between space, between time, and between worlds. ” Heeseung said after a long while of silence. Jungwon guessed as much. “ I’m the only one in the multiverse that’s me though. ” Heeseung said, adjusting his position on the chair.
“ I had a family… ” He inhaled thickly, “ …but I couldn’t help them. ” I tried helping you .
So he spills everything, about the Kingdom, about his Jungwon, about Vampfield. About the time they tried to stop Dardan, and how they failed.
“ We tried to stop him but we couldn’t. ” And I couldn’t help you.
Jungwon stayed silent. “ So I tried to travel back in time to try and— ” He didn’t continue and Jungwon can fill in the lines— to try and get him back . Jungwon’s voice was soft when he asked, “ What happened? ”
“ It was a different world. ” Heeseung said directly staring at Jungwon.
He recounts how he’d met him again and lost him— again. So he tried, and tried, and tried. And they’ve met several times but every fucking time he’d lose him. Jungwon was openly crying by the sixth time he recounted how Heeseung had lost the Jungwon in that world to drowning.
“ Every fucking time I lose you. And every fucking time I find you again. ” The poison in his voice was present but there was tiredness laced in it too. How long had he been trying to save him ?
“ For how long? ” Jungwon asked, his voice small and quivering that it made the bed shake.
“ For almost a million years. ” There were no indications that Heeseung was joking. There were no slight crinkle of his eyes or upward turn of his lips. There was just him—haunted by the fact that he had lived almost a million years just to try and keep Jungwon. “ My body could not cope up with everything that I’m permanently trapped in my seventeen year old self. ” He sighed and stared at his hands, too smooth, too tiny, and too young for his real age.
“ And you’re the last one.” Heeseung said, tears now starting to form in his eyes.
I’m the last one and he’s also going to lose me . Jungwon thought, tears freely pouring down his cheeks.
“ And I tried hard to keep away from you this time. I didn’t tell you everything the first time we met, I didn’t show myself to you because I thought I was content at looking at you from far away. ” He said looking down. “ But I wasn’t. Every time you had troubles I go into auto pilot wanting to help you. ” He chuckled, albeit bitterly. “ I shouldn’t have introduced myself to you. ”
“ I’ve lost count on how many times your hands turned cold in mine. I’ve lost how many times I’ve seen you go—seen the life leave your body. I—I can’t—I can’t lose you , Jungwon. ” Heeseung was crying now, matching Jungwon’s tears. “ But I fucked everything up all those years ago and I did something I shouldn’t have, I acted on impulse I— ” He takes in a deep breath before finding Jungwon’s eyes again. The only light source—the world outside—shining through his bedroom window—listening in to their conversation with fervor.
“ I kissed you. ” Heeseung finished and Jungwon’s hand flung to his lips. He’d dreamt about that kiss, about Heeseung , for many years now and the words Heeseung is saying right now is a testament that that did happen—and Jungwon’s heart broke.
“ I was selfish and greedy and I want you all to myself. That I want Jungwon to myself. ” He almost had this manic look in his eyes that Jungwon witnessed all those nights before—but this time, there was so much emotion dancing through his eyes.
“ All those years, I spent contemplating on where I may have gone wrong, on why the universe always rips you away from me. And there was always one constant. ” Heeseung smiles sadly. Jungwon’s tears were falling much harder now, a torrent of emotions he cannot speak loudly.
“ Me. ” Heeseung said as he walked towards Jungwon, wiping his tears like he had done all those year prior and probably on other versions of him too.
“ I was the reason why I’d always lose you. ” Heeseung’s words stung. His fingers on Jungwon’s cheeks were warm, too warm and Jungwon cried harder.
For a million years he’s jump to every possible timeline, reducing his physical body to a seventeen year old boy, to bring him back, to not lose him . How many deaths had he witnessed? How many nights had he lied restless? How many tears had he shed? How many sacrifices had he made?
Jungwon doesn’t even want to know, the more he does, the more he hated himself.
It was his existence that drove Heeseung to madness. So he did what he could do at that very moment—he hugged him. Heeseung shifted inside Jungwon’s arms to accommodate the space in between them.
Jungwon hugged him and cried. His hands desperate on Heeseung’s back. If he had kept his love for him, if he had not suppressed his feelings for him, if he was not Jungwon, they could’ve been happy. Heeseung could’ve rest easy that Jungwon was not going anywhere and he could’ve stayed .
So he hugged him and felt the regret and longing wash over his body, in waves rocking his core, and for a while they indulged on the what-could’ve-beens as both Heeseung and Jungwon sat on his bed, arms around each other.
But this couldn’t be, so Heeseung slowly let him go—for the last time—and smiled at Jungwon. “ You wanna know something, Jungwon? ” His voice was hoarse, but full of assurance and softness that Jungwon could’ve grown fond of. Jungwon waited for him to finish his sentence but he never did.
Instead, he stood up—guiding him up and he’s still taller than her—and kissed the top of his head.
Heeseung inhaled Jungwon’s scent before he’s going to lose him—for the last time.
I’d always love you , Heeseung thought—tears prickling the side of his eyes. And before they could spend another heartfelt moment, Heeseung glances down between them, at the ring that glinted against the darkness. At the life Jungwon is going to live without him and he smiles sadly.
Heeseung lets him go and offered him a small smile before disappearing into a field of blue.
He’d always love Jungwon .
This time Heeseung doesn’t have any destination in mind, so he lets space-time dictate where he would land, or if they chose to tear his body to pieces he’s fine with it as well.
As long as Jungwon is happy, I’d try my fucking best to be too.
✉
Jungwon was twenty-nine when he cried himself hoarse.
Heeseung had endured many—too fucking many—years trying to keep him, trying to bring him back. The distant rumble of a car pulling over at the driveway was an indication that his husband is back.
He willed his tears to stop but he couldn’t, how could he? This is the last thing he could offer him —his tears. Jungwon’s heart was being squeezed at the emotions flooding through him, was it possible that he could feel all those Jungwon’s emotions too?
He doesn’t know. All he knows is that his heart is breaking and everything is falling apart and it hurt badly—like he was being drowned in agony and sadness. But he had Jaeyun now.
So Jungwon tried to stand up from the floor—he hadn’t realized he had fallen on it—and failed miserably. Jaeyun would be shocked to see him like this so Jungwon tried to stop—but he can’t.
He can’t!
He can’t forget Heeseung’s face, his scent, Heeseung’s lips—everything about Heeseung.
He just can’t.
So Jungwon screams in frustration and heartbreak and everything that he’s currently feeling. He can hear Jaeyun’s hurried steps up the stairs to ask his what was wrong.
Jungwon was six when he first saw Heeseung in this timeline. Jungwon was thirteen when he loved Heeseung. Jungwon was sixteen when he was soothed by Heeseung’s voice. Jungwon was eighteen when he found out Heeseung doesn’t age and that he cut off any progress with him. Jungwon was nineteen when Heeseung kissed him. Jungwon was twenty-nine when he got his heart so broken that his whole body trembled.
Jungwon was twenty-nine when they broke the string that attached them to one another.
Jungwon was twenty-nine when he lost Heeseung.
Every pivotal moment in Jungwon’s life there was always this one constant—a teenager in a school uniform.
✉