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They retire on Ool because where else would they. They have a small but cozy home at little ways off from the ranch. Eli’s happy here. It’s peaceful, his friends and family are here, and most of all, Thrawn is here. He couldn’t help but gaze at the silver band around his finger. It is a surprise and a delight that they have made it to this blissful retirement.
Yet even still, Eli was worried. He knew he was content here, but was Thrawn? It had only been a month, so of course they were still in that adjustment period, but he was concerned. Nothing was particularly out of the ordinary. But there were moments of despondency and too quiet silences that were growing a bit more frequent. But Thrawn was not distant. No, they were closer than ever. It was not domesticity that troubled the Chiss. In fact, Eli would say he reveled in it, seemingly happy to take care of Eli. (Although now the only rule of their house was for Thrawn to stay out of the kitchen)
Whatever was plaguing Thrawn was an internal struggle and Eli wasn’t sure if he could help. Hence why he was sat in Borika’s dining room, talking to Thalias.
“I mean maybe I’m just overthinking it all.” Eli said.
“It has only been a month, but it is good that you are looking out for him. I’ve heard this is common for people leaving the CEDF.”
Eli nodded. He was aware of the difficulties in going from a strict regimented life to something more free. “I just don’t know if that’s what it is.”
Thalias sighed and looked out the window. “Maybe you should ask him then.”
“Ah, yes and when has Thrawn ever admitted he wasn’t fine without a fight?”
“You married him.”
“And I don’t regret it.” Eli said with a smile.
“Maybe he just needs a hobby. Get him one of those coloring books” called out a voice entering the back door. A tall Chiss with short spiked hair walked in and squeezed Thalias’s shoulders.
“Mak’ro!” Thalias said, lightly swatting his arm.
Mak’ro smirked at her. “But seriously, Theliva, I think this more has to do with him than with anything you can do. I get adjusting. We both do. But this is more than that.”
Eli sighed. “I know. I just want to help him. I want him to be happy, he deserves that much.”
Thalias smiled. “From the sound of it and from what I’ve seen, you make him quite happy, Theliva.”
Eli gave her a small smile. He knew that. He didn’t doubt the depth of Thrawn’s love. How could he? The Chiss had clawed his way back home to him, had killed for him, had almost died for him. He knew that by his side is where Thrawn wanted to be. Eli just had to give his husband time to come to him with whatever was bothering him. And whatever it was, they would face it together like they always have.
****
Thrawn tossed another hay bale onto the pile. He paused as he heard Borika stop behind him.
“They are talking about you in there.” Borika said, gesturing towards her house.
“I am aware.”
“Theliva is concerned about you.”
“I know.”
Borika huffed. “And yet you are out here.”
Thrawn raised an eyebrow. “You said you needed help.”
“No, you needed a problem to solve.”
Borika pulled out another hay bale and sat on it. She made no motion for Thrawn to follow suit but he knew what she was asking. He sat beside her keeping careful distance between them. What they were to each other, still undefined. What he wanted to be to her, not necessary, needed, nor yet wanted.
“Thalias will want to coddle you, Theliva is good for you but won’t confront you on this yet. They are too close to you to deal with this.”
“And this is what exactly?”
“You are drowning, Mitth’raw’nurodo. There is a rope in front of you but you are refusing….No, you are unsure of if the rope is meant for you.”
Thrawn kept his face neutral, but the sting of truth from his sister’s words hit deep. The churning storm of self-loathing within him was loud today. He had woken up to the beautiful sight of Eli Vanto curled against him. The warmth radiating off of the man was intoxicating. This kind of life suited Eli. Thrawn could watch Eli make caf, teach sky-walkers, and cook dinner everyday and never get bored. But the question remained. Did this life suit him? Was he meant to have this, be more than a warrior for the Ascendancy?
He struggled to find his answer to that every day. He liked what he has with Eli now. He loved every second of it. But was it okay for him to take this one thing for himself? To let himself want this? Thrawn was made, was hand picked to be something for the Ascendancy. He served his purpose well. At least he hoped he did. Peace was always so fleeting. The idea of a sudden call to arms did not scare him. The fact that he was unsure if he would want to put on the mantle of warrior again did. Because if not of use to the Ascendancy, then what is he?
Thrawn tried to respond to Borika but she cut him off.
“No, not to me. Speak to that man in there who fought so hard to bring you home, who has never wavered in his want to be next to you.”
Borika paused and then continued in a softer tone. “I understand. I think about it a lot too. The way they used us for some grand ideal. How they pulled our strings and cut them once we had nothing left to give.”
Her voice took on a harder tone. Angrier. “I was an exceptional navigator, they said. Then I was an exceptional warrior. I wonder sometimes if that is why they took such in interest in our family. If they saw me and then looked at you like another special toy to play with.”
Borika’s hands clenched into fists, her anger at those who took her, who recruited him evident. Thrawn carefully place his hand on his sister’s shoulder.
“I do not see my service that way. There are parts that I have yet to deal with, sacrifices and manipulations that I have yet to truly unravel. But I am proud of what I have done for our people, not all of it but most of it.”
Borika laughed softly. “There is much that I am proud of too. But I just ask you this: you have helped so many find purpose in themselves away from it all. Do not deny it. I have seen the wonders your words have given to my girls, my sisters. Why not allow yourself to find the same?”
Thrawn looked away, eyes bright with emotion. Borika stood and pointed at the door to her home.
“Go. Talk to your husband. Go….little brother.”
****
Eli startled as the back door opened again and in walked Thrawn, looking a bit distressed but the Chiss’s eyes brightened the moment they found him.
“Alright, darlin?”
“May I speak with you. Alone.”
Eli smiled softly and nodded. Thalias gave Eli a look that said good luck and pushed Mak’ro out of the room.
“If this is about us gossiping, then I’m sorry.”
Thrawn shook his head. “It doesn’t bother me. I remember you and Faro would do it quite often. Although I still do not know why you both were so interested in the tightness of my pants.”
Eli flushed. “You heard that?”
“I’ve told you many times—“
“Yeah, yeah Chiss hearing. Kriffing hell.”
Eli stepped closer to his husband and pressed his forehead against Thrawn’s. “We’re getting off topic. What did you need to tell me.”
Thrawn let out a distressed hum. “You are happy here?”
Eli nodded and then motioned for Thrawn to sit down. This was clearly going to be a long conversation. A much needed one.
“I had a…dressing down from my sister. We both know I have been having trouble adjusting to this new life. Our new life.”
Eli intertwined their hands as he let Thrawn continue.
“You do not have to worry about my want for this, for you. I do greatly desire and love everything we have fought for, my dear Eli. But I struggle to let myself want it. I do not know if I can be anything but what they made me to be.”
Eli smiled sadly and cupped Thrawn’s face. “Of course you can. I know that my word isn’t enough to wipe away the decades. But I will say every day of our lives until you can believe it on your own.”
Thrawn’s eyes were shining and he let out a shaky laugh. “Borika said I needed to let myself find purpose. My worst enemy has always been myself, it seems.”
Eli pressed his forehead to Thrawn’s again. “You know I love a challenge.”
Thrawn gently kissed him. “I as well. Hold me true to it, Eli?”
“Always, darlin. Always.”