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The first few days in Milgram were nothing but tiring. Yuno was yet again putting up a facade of being cheerful and approachable; a fake smile and polite nods accompanied every sentence whenever she was spoken to.
She was just used to it at this point.
used to the fact nobody ever got to see who she really was.
used to the fact that no matter how badly she wanted to be seen… nobody would want her if she showed her true self.
She felt cold inside, she always had. She never felt that warm feeling of real love, even if she wanted it so badly. Nobody had ever truly wanted her for who she was, nobody had been able to see past the illusion she put up. They only wanted her for how she acted, but she didn't want them anyways.
The other prisoners were around talking with each other, either making conversation or just trying to make sense of what was going on. She was cheerfully talking with an older man who she had learned to be “Kazui Mukuhara”; he put on an act much like she did, he pretended to be a nice old man who was kind hearted and friendly.
Bullshit.
All of them were in here for murder, she knew that just like anyone else. Nonetheless she laughed along with the conversation, periodically looking away whenever she could to find anything about this room that was more interesting than this dull conversation.
She felt her mind drift away from the conversation as he kept talking, eyes wandering around the room to look at anything that caught her eye. That's when she noticed her. Straight golden hair half covering one eye, glittering in the lights above, her white uniform flowing beneath her with a pop of bright orange underneath and along the straps, painted orange nails gleaming in the light, a bright smile plastered on her face, occasionally responding with a delicate laugh as she went on in her conversation with prisoner 05, Shidou Kirisaki. She had heard about Mahiru from the other prisoners, but hadn’t gotten the chance to speak with her. She found herself staring for a moment, wondering how someone like her could end up here, and as Mahiru turned to face her, she felt… weird.
She didn’t like how she felt when their eyes met. It felt strange. An alien sensation she wanted no part in. Yuno quickly ended the conversation with Kazui, stuttering and making up some stupid excuse as she quickly walked away. This shouldn’t be right. It's like she could see right through her, right into her soul, past her lies and into the cold depths her heart resided in. She shuddered at the thought, nobody had done that before, nobody had made her feel that way. She walked straight to her cell and sat alone, breathing softly as she reminded herself that her real personality was unappealing, and it’d just be best to shut it all away for good.
“Yuno..?” a voice called from the entrance to her cell… a soft, caring tone to the sound as it reverberated in her mind.
She jumped at the sudden noise, but knew who it was immediately. Mahiru stood at the cell door, a concerned look on her face, one hand on the cell door silently wondering if it was okay to approach. But this expression wasn’t like the ones she had seen before, plastered on every single one of their faces, it wasn’t pity, it was genuine concern. It made her feel vulnerable.
“I’m sorry to interrupt you… but I just needed to know if you were alright? You seemed worried and walked away from Kazui so quickly…”
Yuno’s thoughts raced as she stared at the woman by the door, beads of sweat running down her palms.
Why is she here?
What does she want?
Why would how I'm feeling even matter?
“Hi, Mahiru! I’m doing okay! Really. I just needed to get away for a bit, that's all!” she bit her tongue as the lies escaped her lips. It hurt slightly, but it wasn’t enough to draw blood. A weird feeling washed over her as she lied to Mahiru- it didn’t feel right.
“Oh! I understand. I don't believe we’ve met before. I'm Mahiru Shiina, and if you ever want to stop by to talk with me I'm always open to conversation! And by the way, I absolutely love your hair!” Yuno’s hair was different that day, put up in a ponytail instead of her usual style of letting it all down. Yuno blushed a little as she processed the words.
“Thank you!! I'm Yuno Kashiki. Nice to meet you!” She smiled, eyes set in an unassuming stare that she had practiced over and over.
Mahiru smiled gently and began to walk away, back towards the commons room. Leaving Yuno alone in her cell. She breathed a sigh of relief, she had a lot to think about.
She watched as Mahiru got further and further out of sight. Why did she feel this way? In all the time she spent with those men, her heart never fluttered like this. Why didn’t she feel half as warm with them as she did now?
She froze. Why did she feel warm, this wasn’t right. She needed to get those thoughts away from her. It could put her entire appearance and persona at stake, everything she had worked so hard to build. She pushed her feelings further and further down, until that icy feeling in her heart returned and the warm, fluttering sensation was dead.
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The next few days she tried everything and anything to keep those feelings locked away, to keep up her approachable attitude and her false confidence. The interrogations helped for a little while, keeping most of the prisoners busy as they had other things to attend to, but they all went by so quickly. It felt like every time Mahiru was even near her, those strange feelings would push at the walls she had built up, desperately wanting to escape. One evening, when she was silently thinking to herself in her cell, those feelings were infinitely worse.
Yuno was trying to get some rest, thinking about what they were going to have for dinner that night, sprawled out on a stiff mattress, uneven blankets half off the bed entirely. She was also thinking about how she could’ve ended up here, but most people in this prison always had that on their mind. None of it made any sense.
“Yuno? Can we talk for a bit?” a worried voice beckoned from behind her.
Yuno quickly spun around, jumping at the silence being disturbed. Her thoughts mixed, confused, tired, and startled as the voice called out to her.
Mahiru stood there, fiddling with her fingers absentmindedly, her orange nail polish slightly more dull since she last saw Yuno. She looked as stunning, radiant, and beautiful as she always did, whenever she was- No. She couldn’t think like that. Not right now at least, she needed more time.
“Yeah! What is it Mahiru?” Yuno asked, trying to keep her emotions controlled while Mahiru stood in the doorway.
“I was wondering if you’d like to come to the kitchen with me. We haven’t been able to have a full conversation yet, and I'd love to get to know you better! I thought maybe we could bake something together, if that's okay.”
“Yes! I’d love to!”
Yuno said the words before she could process what they meant, she panicked as she tried to correct herself stumbling over her words as her thoughts formed.
“..but I'm really not much of a cook; I don't even know how to crack an egg properly…”
Yuno would’ve sighed in relief after saving herself from joining Mahiru, but she was quickly interrupted by the worst possible outcome.
“That's okay! I'll teach you how! We could even start off with a simple recipe if you'd like!”
Yuno felt like she was being torn apart, she desperately wanted to go with Mahiru, but she felt as though she couldn’t. However before she could decline, Mahiru had already started walking towards the kitchen, her footsteps clicking as she continued. Yuno hesitantly stood up.
She had no choice but to follow her.
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As soon as they arrived, Mahiru began working furiously, grabbing certain ingredients from drawers, the fridge, and even taking some appliances out. When Mahiru was done laying everything down on a nearby table, she turned to Yuno, a bright smile on her face that made Yuno melt. Then she pulled out a crumpled piece of paper with some instructions scribbled on it.
“Do you like cookies, Yuno?”
I need to calm down.
“Yeah! I think they’re pretty good! Is that what we’re making?”
I can feel the walls breaking.
“Mhm! I practically have this recipe memorized! Chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. They’re incredibly fun to make, especially with someone else!”
I can’t let her get to me.
“Here, I'll mix the flour, oats, and baking powder. Then I'll teach you how to crack an egg!”
Yuno didn’t know what to say, so she sat there for a second. But, she took a breath, and pushed her feelings further down. Swallowing her emotions and smiling that same fake smile as she spoke.
“Sounds good!”
It was… incredibly difficult. Yuno managed to keep her lies up the entire time, even when Mahiru placed her hands on Yuno’s, guiding them in a cracking motion and all she wanted in that moment was to feel her hands on hers forever, holding each other as they stared into their eyes. The truth was, Yuno was actually pretty good at cooking- her dad had left when she was young, so her mother taught her how to cook in her absence. But when she was around Mahiru, her mind just blanked. She felt an utter loss of control. And then, before she knew it, the cookies were in the oven.
Yuno was finally safe, her mind and thoughts calming as she sat there in relief.
But Mahiru just had to say something.
“Yuno… it's been… really fun hanging out with you.”
“I agree! I can't wait for these cookies to get out of the oven, they smell amazing.” she tried avoiding the inevitable question that she knew was about to come up, hoping that the conversation would die at that comment.
“Mhm! There's just something I need to ask you.”
Fuck. what did I do, she doesn't want to talk to me, she saw me for who I really am, she hates me, she knows it's all just a lie, she-
“Have you been avoiding me?”
Oh no.
The walls came crashing down at once. Her smile dropping, eyes widening as she felt her hand tremor slightly with the fear of being caught.
“W- what?”
“Sorry, sorry. That was probably weird isn't it? It just seems as though every time we’re in the same room you always need to leave, or collect your thoughts, or something..” Mahiru turned her gaze to the side, not wanting to meet Yuno’s own.
“I- I don’t-”
Her mind was flushed with panic, sweat forming in her palms, heart beating faster. She needed to leave. Now.
“This was fun, Mahiru, it really was. But I…. I need to go.” She slowly backed away from the kitchen, turning as she got to the door. Eyes shutting in embarrassment, adrenaline rushing through her veins as she got further from away from the scene that had just unfolded.
The last thing she saw was Mahiru’s face, confused and worried, and then she left.
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When Yuno woke up that morning, her hair was messy, feeling both physically and mentally awful. She found a small plate of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies by the cell door, a note written on a piece of white lined paper next to the plate, neat lettering throughout the page. The note read:
“Yuno, I'm not sure what you're going through. Being in Milgram is really difficult on all of us, our ‘sins’ are difficult on us. I want you to know that I’m not upset with you at all, I’m sure you had your reason for leaving. The verdict is soon, so I don't think we’ll be allowed to talk much. I hope to see you soon, it really was nice talking to you. Love, Mahiru.”
Love.
Why did she have to say that.
Yuno felt her heart drop. What did she do? Why did she fuck up the one time anyone has shown her kindness that wasn’t fueled by pity or the fact she was paid to be kind in return. Tears formed in her eyes with every word she read.
She cried to herself, wishing she could go back and change everything. She stayed in her room the entire day, contemplating what to do. Mahiru was right, they wouldn’t be able to talk until after the verdict, all she could do was sit and hope that they were both “innocent”.
She was so scared. She needed Mahiru to be okay, she needed to say sorry, to apologize for how things ended last night. She cried until she couldn't think anymore, then she closed her eyes, and drifted to sleep.
The cookies lay on the corner of her desk. Cold.
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When Yuno woke up to the sound of a voice talking, she lazily got up out of bed, rubbing her eyes as she adjusted to the familiar darkness around her. Only to find a screen in her room announcing that the verdict was about to be shown. She sat in anticipation and fear as the names were being read.
“Sakurai, Haruka.”
The voice read out in a tone she couldn't recognize.
The word INNOCENT appeared next to his name and picture as it flashed green. She didn’t have many opinions on the boy, she hadn’t really talked to him all that much. She was terrified of what would come next, and then as it read her name, sweat ran down her forehead and her eyes widened in fear.
“Kashiki, Yuno.”
Her heart stopped as she waited. Those few seconds felt like hours, hours that seemed to hold the weight of the world atop her consciousness.
“INNOCENT”
She would have cried just then, she was going to be able to apologize to Mahiru after all. Her worries faded away as she let out a sigh of relief-
“Kajiyama, Fuuta.”
“GUILTY”
Her heart stopped. She was so focused on herself and her verdict that she completely forgot that Mahiru would be judged as well.
The names continued to go on as she felt herself lose hope, hands trembling and her entire body shaking.
Kusunoki, Muu. innocent.
Kirisaki, Shidou, innocent.
She couldn’t take it anymore, she needed to know if Mahiru would be alright. She wouldn't forgive herself if anything happened to her, she couldn’t forgive herself.
And there she was.
“Shiina, Mahiru.”
Her knees were weak, she was terrified. And then she collapsed.
“GUILTY.”
Silence.
Utter. Silence.
She had no words, she couldn’t breathe. Tears formed in her eyes and they began streaming down her face, the only person who she genuinely loved. Guilty.
She didn't hear the rest of the votes, she couldn’t think straight. Why had Mahiru been chosen instead of her, what could have possibly happened. But then she heard a cell door open, followed by heavy footsteps. Then everything went horribly wrong
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She heard a scream from outside, she tried to make out the voice, she couldn't tell who it was, she was just hoping it wasn’t Mahiru, anyone but her.
“S-stop!”
It echoed throughout the prison, who was it? An impact could faintly be heard. Followed by another horrible scream.
“Why are you d-doing this!?”
Oh god. It was Mahiru.
Another impact, another scream.
And another.
And it wouldn’t stop, not until the screaming did.
She heard as another cell door swung open, right beside her. Fuuta was being beaten, just then another door swung open and she saw Kazui grab Kotoko and pull her out of Fuuta’s cell.
Just then her door was unlocked, she pushed it open and ran. She ran to Mahiru’s cell but she wasn’t there. She frantically looked for Mahiru, her thoughts racing with every place she checked. Her breath was stalled, legs weak and her head pounding.
The kitchen.
She dashed through the corridors, almost tripping a couple times, determined to find Mahiru before it was too late.
And then she saw her.
Mahiru lay on the ground, raspy breaths coming from her mouth as her chest shakily rose, then fell. She was completely broken, her eyes wide in shock, head bleeding profusely, bruises, cuts and other wounds scattered across her body. Her legs were in the worst condition, broken and bloody in multiple places. She felt her tears flow freely.
“Mahiru!”
Yuno was screaming, crying as she bent down to hold a barely living Mahiru.
“Y-yuno..”
Her eyes were pointed upwards. She coughed and winced in pain.
“What-” her face twisted in agonizing pain as she spoke.
“What did… I do wrong.”
Yuno couldn’t keep it together anymore, she cried and spoke to Mahiru with no caution to how she looked, no worries about her appearance.
“It's going to be okay, I promise. I'm going to get Shidou, he's innocent, I'm going to get him and you're going to be okay, I promise, it'll all be okay.”
Yuno softly let go of Mahiru and began running, sprinting towards the cells where she found Shidou tending to Fuuta, he was clutching his eye as crimson blood streamed down his cheek.
She was shaking and could barely breathe, as Shidou turned to her with an exhausted, worried look in his eyes.
“What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt, is somebody else hurt?”
She didn't hear Shidou, she only managed to get a few words out, she couldn’t think about anything other than Mahiru, how she was doing, if she’d be okay.
“Mahiru… she- she's dying! Please help her Shidou. You're a doctor, you need to help her.” her words were pained, choked with sobs and barely coherent enough to follow.
Shidou looked towards where Yuno had come from, grabbed a first aid kit and medical supplies, and ran towards the kitchen. Yuno was exhausted, she could feel her vision getting fuzzier, her heartbeat quickening, going so fast she felt like she was about to die. She could feel-
She collapsed.
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When Yuno woke up in the morning, she felt different. She felt as though everything that had happened a couple hours prior was just a dream. The prison was silent, quieter than it had been every day before then. She needed to know if Mahiru was safe, so she silently walked towards Shidou’s cell where she found him sitting in a chair writing notes by his bedside, the lights outside in the corridors and the light on his desk illuminating the room in a warm glow.
There was someone in his bed..? Her eyes trailed upwards until she saw a few strands of golden hair near the end of the bed. She stood there, unable to get herself to say something.
Shidou turned to face her, startled and surprised as he met her gaze.
“Yuno! Are you alright? What's-”
“..Is she okay?” Yuno interrupted, uninterested with Shidou’s words and more worried about the condition of the woman lying in his bed, hesitating as she inched closer.
“Wh- oh. Yuno, come inside.”
Yuno stepped through the doorway into the cell, where Mahiru was covered in bandages- unconscious. Her chest slowly rising and falling with raspy, uneven breaths, and her bandages soaked through with red in some places. Her unconscious face twisted in pain and a hint of sadness, a small amount of confusion in her expression.
“Yuno, when I got to Mahiru she was unconscious, but breathing.” Shidou sighed, a defeated tone in his voice as he looked down at Mahiru, broken and bruised.
“But is she okay?” Yuno returned, a worried expression on her face, still half trying to keep up the illusion of being nice and approachable, someone that was useful, worthy of being around. She was terrified, deep down. She just wanted Mahiru to be okay, she wanted her to be safe.
“She has a broken arm, broken ribs, severe head trauma, and her legs are incredibly damaged. The damages to her legs could be permanent. She's alive, and she's going to stay alive. However, her condition could easily worsen, and I need to treat everyone that was hurt last night, I’m sorry, bu-”
“I'll help look after her!” Yuno cut him off before he could finish his sentence. Startling herself as she spoke out in the middle of him talking.
Shidou was taken aback, he wasn’t sure what to say. He stared at her blankly, eyebrows turned upward slightly in a concerned expression.
“Are you sure? It's a big responsibility, and I don't want to put that pressure on you at all.”
“Yeah… I think so! I… think that's what I want to do.” Yuno looked down at Mahiru, fragile and damaged. She bit her tongue at the thought of the beautiful woman, distracting her from how she felt.
Shidou looked… confused for a moment. He stayed silent, Yuno wondered if he could see past how she truly felt in that moment. If he did, he decided not to question it. He smiled softly and nodded.
“Thank you.”
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The next couple of nights were spent looking after Mahiru at all times. She was unconscious for two whole days, but almost every second was spent with Yuno by her side. She decided that in order to care for Mahiru, she needed to stop talking to everyone else, they would only be a distraction for her, they would only make things worse.
When Mahiru woke up for the first time since the verdict, her body was so fragile, broken in so many places, the only thing she could feel below her waist was pain. Yuno took notice of her sudden movement and pained groans and practically fell out of her seat.
“Mahiru!”
Yuno wasn’t thinking clearly, she was exhausted, spending every moment by Mahiru’s side just in case she woke up. She just wanted to be there when it happened, she wanted Mahiru to know she's been spending every moment by her side. Mahiru groaned in pain and tried to sit up, but she was stopped by a surge of pain in her arms as they moved.
“Don't move, Mahiru, it’ll just hurt.”
“Yuno… I'm fine…. You don't have to look after-” Mahiru began coughing, each loud noise sent jolts of pain through her body, Yuno could see the pain in her ribs and arms through her expressions, her body jolting at the sudden agony.
Mahiru was suffering.
She was so… frail. Like if Yuno even slightly grazed her, she would shatter into a million pieces. Yuno tried her best to keep her composure, but the thought that Mahiru was in pain sent a wave of panic through her that she couldn’t explain.
“Shh… it's okay Mahiru, you just need some rest. Don't try to move for now. Shidou will be back soon and he’ll change your bandages- but I'm glad you’re awake.”
“Yuno, you.. Don't have to look after me, I promise I'm okay.” Mahiru smiled as she said this, an awful pain behind her eyes that clearly stated she wasn’t. Yuno wasn’t going to make her aware of the condition she was in, not yet at least, Shidou had told her the risks of what could happen if she were to become panicked, it could set their progress back or have long lasting, permanent effects.
“Mahiru, just get some rest, okay?” Yuno reached her hand out towards Mahiru, placing it on top of her head, stroking her hair softly in a reassuring gesture, brushing away a few loose strands covering her beautiful brown eyes. Mahiru was surprised by this sudden gesture, a little bit of color rushing to her cheeks, but seemed calmed nonetheless.
Yuno noticed the surprise, and quickly brought her hand back. What was she thinking?? Oh god she was embarrassed. Why had she done that?? Her face turned a very, very bright red as she looked away, clenching her fists.
Mahiru smiled and laughed softly at the noticeable embarrassment on Yuno's face and, judging by her reaction, Yuno would’ve thought she’d tease her about the whole situation. But Mahiru had just woken up, and she needed more rest.
“Thank you, Yuno.” her voice was dry, painful, and soft, but Yuno would be lying if she didn’t think it sounded beautiful. Hearing this helped calm her down, loosening her grip in her fists, and giving Mahiru a shaky smile in return.
Mahiru sighed softly and stared at the ceiling, closing her eyes as she tried to fall asleep. Yuno stayed there, watching her chest rise and fall, she just wanted to be close to her, to fall asleep with Mahiru’s arms around her. But deep down she knew it would never happen, Mahiru couldn’t love her, not for how she actually was.
But even so, that warm feeling was still there. Even with Mahiru in pain, lying in the bed beside her, and she didn’t know why.
--------------------------
Mahiru’s condition steadily improved, and even in such a pained state, she kept a smile and warm personality.
However, Yuno knew it wasn’t real.
At night sometimes Mahiru would think Yuno had gone to sleep, and she would hear Mahiru softly cry to herself. It hurt to hear someone who she cared for so much be in so much pain, physically and mentally. Yuno desperately wanted to do anything she could to help the woman she loved, but she knew that it would only force Mahiru to further keep her emotions bottled up.
Yuno had used one of her requests to get Mahiru a wheelchair, Mahiru complained about how it wasn’t necessary, even going as far as saying it was just wasted on her. Mahiru wasn’t able to leave the bed- not for very long, at least. Yuno knew that Mahiru would be able to soon, but her arms weren’t strong enough to move the wheelchair by herself, so whenever Mahiru was well enough to go to the commons room, or to talk to someone else, Yuno would be the one to take her where she needed to go.
Mahiru was embarrassed at the thought of needing someone to help her at first, she didn’t want others to feel burdened by her, often almost injuring herself trying to move the chair by herself. But over time, she became more comfortable with Yuno helping her, often requesting certain romance novels from the commons room.
Over this time, Yuno had practically stopped talking to anyone, only talking to Mahiru when she was spoken to, or Shidou when something had changed, or was needed. She continued to stay by Mahiru’s side, making her feel better in any way she could. But she felt like she needed something that would cheer her up even more, she needed something Mahiru would love.
And then she got an idea.
Mahiru was fast asleep, passed out after spending the better part of 2 hours reading another romance novel. Yuno asked Shidou to look over her for about an hour or so. He agreed and began taking notes on her conditions, inspecting how the damages were healing. During this time Yuno went down to the kitchen and found a crumpled piece of paper in one of the cabinets.
Yuno hadn’t cooked in a while, during the months leading up to being thrown into MILGRAM, she hadn’t had the motivation to cook anything for herself at all, often ordering food, or eating the meals her father prepared for her. But, she was still good enough to make some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, mahiru’s recipe was simple enough to follow and shouldn’t have taken too much time.
It took some time, and a large mess that she had to clean up after, unless she wanted to be yelled at by Es. But she had successfully made a pretty good batch of cookies, better than Yuno assumed she’d make. They were a little weird looking, sure, but Yuno knew that they were going to taste much better.
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Yuno arrived where Mahiru was staying, to find her awake and idly talking to Shidou while he took notes. They turned to face her as she stepped through the door, a surprised and excited look in Mahiru’s eyes as their gaze met.
“Oh! Yuno! How are you doing? Shidou told me you had some things to do.”
“Oh! Yeah… uhm, so- I made you something.. If you’re well enough to eat it, that is! Uhm.. in retrospect I should have thought if you were even physically able to eat these…” Yuno sighed and looked away from Mahiru, kicking herself internally.
Mahiru smelled the freshly baked cookies before she saw them, her eyes lighting up with excitement. She was smiling from ear to ear, fidgeting with her fingers anticipating the treat.
“Yuno! Oh my goodness!!” Mahiru gasped as Yuno brought them out for her, practically completely forgetting about her injuries.
“I- I know we never actually got to finish making these together, and you were really nice to me, even after I… left… so i just wanted to…” Yuno nervously glanced down, hoping that they were good enough for Mahiru.
Mahiru gestured to Shidou to help her up, into the wheelchair. Shidou worriedly helped her, and she safely got her into the seat. Yuno stopped talking, cocking her head in confusion at what was going on, but as Shidou brought Mahiru to her, she looked up at Yuno and smiled. She grabbed Yuno’s hand, for a moment, and pulled her into a warm embrace.
Yuno didn’t know what to say, Mahiru’s condition was still really, really bad. Why was she risking her safety, just so that she could hug Yuno? She really should be more careful, and Yuno knew that, but it still felt… incredibly nice, the hug incredibly comfortable as they stayed there in that moment for a while.
“Yuno… thank you! Seriously, this means so much to me.” Mahiru spoke softly, a warm smile on her face. Yuno blushed- she loved this woman so much, she felt so… weird. It was a new feeling, something Yuno had only felt while she was in MILGRAM, something so incredibly alien to her. But when she was around Mahiru, she just felt… warm, there wasn’t any other way she could describe it.
“Well, Mahiru, you’re showing incredible improvement. it's going to take a very long time, but i think you'll be able to recover.” Shidou interrupted, both Mahiru and Yuno turning to look at him as he spoke. “I have some more tests to run on Fuuta’s condition. So I think I'll leave Mahiru with you, Yuno. If that's alright.”
“That’s amazing to hear Shidou!! Thank you!!” Mahiru beamed. Maybe when Mahiru began feeling better, Yuno could actually be with her. Maybe Mahiru would let her be close to her. She could feel her heart beating faster as she thought about the woman in front of her.
Shidou left them alone in the room together, Yuno set the cookies on a nearby desk, and brought Mahiru over to them. Yuno really hoped there wasn’t anything wrong with them- she tried as hard as she could to make them good, though nothing could compare to the beautiful things Mahiru could bake. Mahiru began taking bites out of the cookies, looking incredibly satisfied with the taste.
“Wow…. Yuno… these are amazing!!”
“Do you really think so?? I wasn’t sure, I know they dont look that pretty, but I did try to make them taste g-”
“They’re absolutely amazing Yu!”
As those words left Mahirus mouth, Yuno felt herself blush.
Nobody had really given her a nickname like that before, she didn't know how to react. Mahiru took notice of this, and quickly tried to change the subject, seeing Yuno’s embarrassment.
“Oh!.. Sorry, I mean- Yuno.” Mahiru started blushing herself, turning away from Yuno.
“No, I uhm… I like the nickname. Thank you, Mahiru.” Yuno blushed even more as she turned to face Mahiru.
Yu… why does such a simple nickname make me so… happy?
Mahiru smiled at her- a soft, sweet smile of relief and happiness. It absolutely destroyed her inside, she didn’t know why she felt like this, why was she trying to show genuine kindness and compassion to Mahiru. In all of her years of being paid to love, why is this the only time it felt real.
Yuno didn’t want to think about that right now. She just wanted to enjoy her time with Mahiru.
She just wanted to talk with her, and eat the cookies she had baked. But the confusion, the worry, didn’t leave her. She knew she couldn’t keep this going forever.
Yuno and Mahiru continued talking through the day, enjoying each other’s company. Yuno wanted to be with Mahiru more than anything, but she knew that no matter what, Mahiru wouldn’t accept her. Nobody had before, why would anyone start now. One thought just kept replaying in her mind, though no matter how hard she tried to get rid of it.
She was getting her hopes up over nothing.
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Yuno was looking over Mahiru late at night again. The cell was dark, a small light on the desk illuminating part of the room, giving them just enough light to see each other's faces. However, she knew Shidou deserved a break from caring for everyone- he had been working tirelessly, helping each prisoner every day and night. She was doing what she always had in those moments, staring at Mahiru longingly, wishing that they could be together, wishing that she could feel Mahiru’s warmth upon her icy cold skin.
“I wish…” Yuno began to whisper to herself, softly, so that nobody outside could hear her. But she stopped before she finished her thought, staying in silence for a couple more minutes, staring at Mahiru’s silent figure.
“You wish what..?” Mahiru opened her eyes and turned to face Yuno. Yuno was startled by the sudden noise and began to explain, but was cut off by Mahiru as she continued.
“Yuno… I don't understand why you want to look after me. It's not like I've done anything for you. I’ve done nothing but inconvenience you the entire time we’ve known each other... ” Mahiru’s voice was raspy and weak, pained as the words left her mouth. Yuno could notice tears forming in the woman's eyes as she lay there.
“Mahiru…” Yuno began to speak, her will to comfort and admit all her feelings pushing, begging to be set free. It pained Yuno to see Mahiru in such agony, such distress. She knew she could help, if she just stopped caring about her image. If she just told the truth.
And her emotions won.
“You’ve done so much for me that you haven’t even realized… I’m going to tell you something, something nobody knows about me, something I think you’ve already had suspicions of.”
As Yuno spoke, she realized what she had said. Fear rose in her stomach and she wished she could go back in time to prevent ever deciding to take care of Mahiru, ever deciding to bake her cookies, ever deciding to even look at that beautiful woman. Mahiru’s gaze turned to meet hers as she spoke, both of their tear-filled eyes locking onto one another.
“I-.... uhm…” She was panicking, her breathing quickened, and her heart was pounding out of her chest, she instantly regretted ever opening her mouth. Mahiru wouldn’t want to be anywhere near her after this, wouldn’t want to talk to her, would be disgusted at the thought of her.
Mahiru placed a hand on Yuno’s, the warmth mixing with the cold surface of her hand. A wave of relief and calm came flowing through her as she gathered herself. She took a breath, looked at the woman lying in front of her, and continued.
“My entire life, I've just been used to fulfilling the desires of men that would wander into my life. They would pay me to go on dates with them. Just dates, at first… and it always felt so cold, and meaningless. I had entirely given up on ever finding real love in my life, I had built walls to protect me from falling into that icy darkness.”
Yuno could feel the fear creeping further up her spine, adrenaline pumping through her every word. The only thing keeping Yuno from completely breaking down, was the thought that someone was there, listening with sincerity and warmth. She desperately hoped Mahiru understood what she was saying at that moment.
Yuno looked at Mahiru, saw how Mahiru listened and took in every word that was being said. Saw how she didn’t feel any pity, or didn’t try to come up with excuses for her. Mahiru’s grip tightened slightly on Yuno’s hand, bringing her back to the present as she went on.
“Love for me has felt cold, never the warm burning sensation of passion, interest, or enjoyment that people talk about. But you just… make me feel different. You make me feel as though I'm wanted, like I'm worthy of being cared for. You make me feel… warm.”
She paused as she spoke that last part, as her feelings finally flowed freely out of her. It felt as though there was a weight being lifted from her, but it also felt like the adrenaline and dread was growing ever so slowly, threatening to swallow her whole. Mahiru continued listening, taking in every word.
“I feel as though… I need to hide myself. When you first met me, that was a completely different person, a personality I created to protect myself from showing what I’m really like, a more cheerful personality, one that anyone could easily connect with. I make my personality and appearance more palatable for the people around me, but around you I feel like I can't do that properly, the warmth that comes from you melts those barriers and it… scares me sometimes.”
Mahiru had stayed silent the entire time, listening thoughtfully. Yuno didn’t know how Mahiru would react to all of this, didn’t know how she would feel knowing that Yuno wasn’t the same cheerful, approachable person she thought she was.
“The point is, you've helped me in more ways than you could possibly know. You aren't useless, and you aren't worthless, Mahiru. I'm doing all this, because I care about you…”
“...Because I love you.”
It took Yuno a moment to realize what she had just said. She saw Mahiru blush slightly, and Yuno turned her head away, not being able to face what she had said. Knowing that Mahiru was bound to leave her now, knowing she had just majorly fucked up.
“I'm sorry.. That came out wrong. Just forget I said that.” Yuno could feel the tears in her eyes and the pain in her throat build up, she needed to leave again. There wasn’t any way Mahiru would want to even fucking look at her now.
“I have to go Mahiru, I'm sorry. For everything.” an expressionless, monotone voice now came from Yuno, one that sounded utterly defeated. She stood up to leave, but as she did, Mahirus grip on her hand tightened.
“Yu… don't go.” Mahiru’s expression softened, and she smiled gently. Mahiru sat up in her chair and took Yuno’s other hand in hers. Yuno was confused, she had let her feelings out, she had told Mahiru who she really was. Why wasn't she leaving? The tears flowed down Yuno’s face as they looked at eachother.
“I- I feel the same way.” Mahiru looked away for a moment, she stared into the empty hallways of the prison, into the darkness beyond the cell. Her grip was still strong on Yunos hand, a glistening point of light shining on her cheek.
“It's… difficult. To express how I love someone. I've never felt the way people do in romance novels, never felt that knowing, that certainty, that the person was the one for me.” she choked on her words, it was weird, saying something that you had always known about yourself. Knowing deep down there was something, but never truly vocalizing it.
“I felt like it was all wrong, so whenever I actually managed to get into relationships. I just tried recreating the stories that I had read, because most of the time, it always works. The characters love each other no matter their differences, no matter what they think.” Mahiru turned back to face Yuno, and smiled softly.
“I made myself more cheerful, more accessible to my partners. I pretended things were okay, right up until the end. But now, at this moment, sitting here with you… I think I really am okay.”
It felt so odd, having someone who understood you. Having someone there who had experienced different things, had a completely different life, but still just. Knew how you felt. They sat there in silence for a while, not knowing what to do next, but desperately wanting to do something.
Mahiru didn’t say anything in the end, she simply put a hand gently on Yuno’s face, and pulled her close. Their lips connected for a moment, before Mahiru pulled herself back, still smiling gently, staring into Yuno’s eyes, leaving the two of them to stare at each other. Yuno didn’t know how to react, she looked on in shock at what had just happened. It took a couple seconds for realization to set in, and her face turned bright red.
Yuno was thankful it was dark in Mahiru’s cell, thankful she couldn’t entirely see how embarrassed she was in that moment. All she could think of was how she wanted to kiss the woman in front of her again, and she didn’t have to think of it any longer.
Yuno moved closer to Mahiru, being mindful of her injuries, and kissed her again. They closed their eyes, Mahiru putting her arms carefully around Yunos neck. When they finally parted, Mahiru's arms were still around Yuno, keeping them in a close embrace.
“I love you too, Yu.” They stayed there for what felt like hours. Both of them not wanting to leave the other's presence. Just wanting that moment where they were close with each other to never end. Eventually, Mahiru let go, leaving Yuno with a brief feeling of loneliness even though Mahiru was still right in front of her.
“...I feel bad, you've been sitting in that chair almost every night while I get to sleep in an actual bed. Would you like to sleep in mine tonight..?” Mahiru moved over in her bed, making some room for Yuno to lay down.
She hesitated for a second, but got up from her chair anyway. Mahiru was right, the chairs here were really uncomfortable, but she had just gotten used to it. She carefully got into bed with Mahiru, who put the blanket over top of her as she lay down. Yuno had felt more comfortable, and more at peace than she had in her entire life. Mahiru put an arm around Yuno and hugged her, she kissed the back of her neck as she buried her face into Yuno’s soft hair.
“Is this okay Yu?” she whispered softly into Yuno’s neck, her breath warming her skin as they cuddled together.
“Yeah.. I like it a lot.”
“That's good…” Yuno could hear the tiredness in Mahiru’s voice. She stayed silent for a moment, taking the situation in.
“I love you so much Yu…”
“I love you too, Mahiru.”
Mahiru fell asleep first, her breathing still shaky, but she was much better than before. It took a while for Yuno to do the same though, she was still thinking of how she ended up in this situation, why Mahiru chose her of all people, she wasn’t complaining though, she was… glad. As sleep overtook her, in those final moments of consciousness she thought to herself, maybe she wasn’t unappealing, maybe she didn’t need that stupid disguise anymore. She felt different while lost in this thought, thinking about how she was in bed with the woman she loved more than anything, and she realized something…
…she finally felt warm.